All language subtitles for The Adam Ray Show s01e01 Andrew Santino.eng

You know, look, so we started this podcast

because everyone and their mother
has a podcast, truly.

Everyone's mom, everyone's dad,

Michelle Obama has a podcast.
Everyone's got a podcast.

So we figured, hey, we got some downtime.
We're both retired.

Why not?

- Why not start our own fucking show?
- We could do it.

If they could do it,
we could do it, right?

So what we did was we modeled
our show kind of after Joe Rogan.

This is exactly Joe Rogan.

This is Joe Rogan, just without
all the elk meat and the alien talk.

No, we'll get into alien talk
at some point.

Let's� Start me off.

Okay.

- I met a guy at Von's on Ventura.
- No, not that alien.

Yeah, no, no, no.

No. I'm talking. No.

The extra� The ET type.

- Oh, shit. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, those guys,
you gotta believe in those guys.

You gotta believe in those guys.

You gotta believe. Look,
you gotta believe in something, you know?

I'll tell you what.
Here's my experience with aliens.

Go ahead.

All you hear about these people,
they get, you know, the aliens,

they come down and they go to the
cornfield in the middle of the country.

And they end up putting stuff
in people's butts.

They have to.

I mean, their mouth wasn't available?

- I'm a big� I'm mouth over butt for sure.
- I've always been mouth over butt. Yeah.

- When my wife, Kathy, was alive�
- RIP.

�she offered up her ass a lot.

She would say, "Bob, come on,
do me in the butt."

"Do me in the butt."
That was her catchphrase.

- "Do me in the butt."
- Every barbecue.

- Kathy, do me in the butt.
- We called her Kathy Do It In The Butt.

She'd have about five or six White
Zins and she'd be ready to open up.

Something about Zin that gets gals
a little bit loosey-goosey downstairs.

What is that?

But she's a sweet woman.
I miss her dearly.

She's been dead
for three and a half years.

So rest in peace to Kath.

Hey, let's raise our glasses to Kathy.

- Raise it for Kath.
- Kathy Kowalski.

KK. You were one K away
from a good old weekend.

- Well, yeah.
- Kathy Kowalski.

We couldn't move down south.
We'd be too tempted.

To add a K, yep.

You know, I don't know how Kathy died,
and I don't want to get too personal.

We've known each other a couple of
years now, Bob, but I don't want to pry,

but this feels like� I don't know
if you want to open up here.

I don't know if I was gonna do it
tonight, but I guess I will.

I moved here to Northridge
to get away from Chicago.

'Cause I� When Kath died,
I was kind of a lost soul.

Sure.

You know� There she is.

What the fuck was that?

She speaks to us.

That happens. She will talk to me.

What did you do?

- Shut up, you bitch.
- What did you do?

Harassing me from the afterlife.

What did you do?

You touched my man cave?

The sign fell.

The sign fell off the wall.

Oh yeah. I got this at a Dave & Buster's.

Skee-Ball. '60s tickets.

You know, the ticket� The prize center
at Dave & Buster's is so lopsided.

It's rigged.

You spend about 800 bucks
to get about 50 tickets

for a laminated photo of Montel Jordan
hugging an AIDS-free Magic Johnson.

The good old days.

Pretty fun, though. Pretty fun.

Probably a sign that it fell.
Everything has its day.

Everything has a reason.

That could have been Kath
from the afterlife.

So what happened? I cut you off.

Well, Kath, unfortunately,
she was a school bus driver,

Kathy was, the sweet soul,
love of my life.

She drove mentally challenged kids.

- Funny.
- Well, she� well.

Some of them are funny.
Those kids, some of those guys are funny.

Some of them are funny.
They'll make noises. I like that.

I like a good noise. I'm a big� I'm a�

Yeah.

They'll do those noises.

- Yeah, they'll make noises.
- Yaba-daba-doo!

So she drove a bus
with mentally handicapped kids.

Goddamn it.

But at the time, Chicago was shutting
down a lot of these schools,

so she would just drive them around
all day and take them right back home.

They never went� There was no class.

Jesus Christ.

So on these long-haul days,
she would get tired.

And one day, she accidentally hit a truck.

There was an 18-wheel truck,
and she slammed right into it.

And just, fuck, catapulted
out the front windshield?

She smashed her face. She broke
her jaw in nine different places.

Lost all of her teeth.
She had� She got a lazy eye from it.

- And she punctured a lung.
- And that's what killed her, huh?

No, she was fine.
It was a month and a half later.

A month and a half later,
she was jogging around Lake Michigan.

She fell in the lake.

And drowned?

No, she was fine.

Oh.

She was pulled out of the lake
by two men who were vicious criminals

who robbed and beat her
within an inch of her life.

So they robbed and beat�
that's what took her?

- She just bled out on the sidewalk?
- No, she was fine.

Oh.

And a couple of months later
at a Christmas party,

Marco Sinesi, you know Marco Sinesi?

He owns a� You guys know Marco Sinesi?

You guys know Marco Sinesi,
don't you know that guy?

You know Marco. Yeah, yeah.

Unfortunately, Marco and her were

sleeping together behind my back.

No.

And I caught 'em. I showed up with my .22
and I kicked down the door and I-

You shot her in the face.

I shot her clean in the fucking head.

- That's a good story.
- And you know what?

- She survived.
- She was fine.

Holy shit.

She's a remarkable lady, Kath.

Remarkable lady my wife was.

What have you been up to?

Well, I'm watching my shows.

Yeah, that's all I do down here.

I watch a lot of shows.

Now I'm tuned into,
my favorite is Love on the Spectrum.

I love Love on the Spectrum. I love it.

You guys watching the Spectrum Love?

- Love that show.
- They got every flavor of person on it.

Some of my favorites, I like James.

"Yes, yes."

"Did that hurt you, Shelley?"

- I love that guy.
- Yeah, I love that guy.

I also love Connor. Connor's� "The raven."

I love that guy.

You should go on that show.
You've been looking for love.

I, well, I will say tonight,

this is a little bit
self-indulgent and selfish,

but I am looking for love.
I'm looking for a new gap to fill.

You're on Tinder, right?

I'm on Tinder, I'm on Bumble,
I'm on Hinge, I'm on Instagram,

Twitch, Twitter, TikTok.

I got all the apps on the phone.
My son put them on there for me.

Good for you. It's nice to have a way
to connect, you know?

Because there's a lot of fish in the
sea, as they say.

Yeah. I'd love to smell some of the fish
that's out there, you know what I mean?

- Put it on my face already.
- Put it on my face.

- Sit on my face, that's first base.
- But I'm single, I'm looking to mingle.

I'm happy that you're still married.
Your marriage is good.

We're doing okay.

Well, you guys, the problem with me
is I watch these shows by myself,

and you get to watch
all your shows together.

Well, all right. Well, look, it's�

Naked and Afraid is a lot more fun
next to somebody.

Don't you wish they removed the blurs?

- Say it again.
- Don't you wish they removed the blurs?

Oh, yeah.

I wanna see their genitals.

I wanna see their junk.
I know it. You know what it is.

Because I run,
sometimes I'll run in my backyard.

I'll run out there naked
to see how small my ding gets.

Yeah.

And I think I could never survive
out there like this.

Not for 48 days.

One time I tried to push it
all the way in my body.

Yeah, I've done that.

- I've done that.
- And you fart, it'll pop right back out.

- The old penis fart trick.
- Yeah. It works.

Anyway, I'm jealous of you.
What are you guys watching?

- What are you up to?
- We're a big Dr. Pimple Popper household.

- Love.
- We like� We like� Survivor's good.

Survivor's, you know, it's a real�

We like the shows that really
test the limits of human behavior.

- You know?
- Right.

Cops. I like Cops.

- I love Cops.
- You gotta watch it on YouTube now.

Bad boys, what you gonna�
What you gonna do?

What you gonna do?

Well, run away if you're white, yeah, but�

No, don't run if you're white.
You're gonna be just fine.

Yeah.

That's the Cops theme song.

Bad boys, if you're white, don't run
You're gonna be just fine

It's interesting they went with that take.

Well, that's the new song
now that they've rebranded.

I want to be arrested.

My wife, Susan, God rest her�

My wife, she's alive, but she�

- Sorry, I'm just always thinking about�
- You always wish she was dead.

I� Yeah.

- You do that.
- But I want to be�

She asked me what I want for my birthday.

I said, "Cookies, cake,
all the regular bullshit."

"But I'd love to be arrested. I'd love
to feel the feeling of just being�"

You know what I'm saying? Just being,

you know, handcuffed
and just thrown in the back of a cop�

in the back of a squad car,

and that cop just being like,
"You get the fuck down, you motherfucker!"

Maybe it's for something
I did in the alleyway, right?

Maybe I was in the alleyway
outside of a Quiznos, right?

Some young punk kid's like,
"Hey, old man."

And I go, "What the fuck
did you fucking say to me?"

"What the fuck you say to me,
motherfucker, right?"

You fucking� You can suck my dick,
motherfucker, right?

And then I get arrested, and the cop
throws me in the back of the car

for, you know�

Fucking, you know, doing a little nut tap.

I love that you got this.
I should come over and train some more

because you've been training way more
than I've been training.

I'm two months deep into Taekwondo.
I got my Purple Belt.

Two months, come on, give it up.
He's doing it.

I thought that was fairly impressive

that I have a Purple Belt
and I'm almost 60.

They don't just give Purple Belts out.
You gotta�

I know. I've been training myself.
I do Krav Maga. You know Krav Maga?

Yeah, that's� Yeah.

I'll wrestle with a buddy
and watch Gutfeld! in the background.

- Now that's a funny guy.
- That's a funny guy.

That's a guy I like to laugh at.
Gutfeld is topical.

He's also just, you know,
you can watch your Jimmy Fallons and your�

- Who?
- The Jimmy Fallons of the world, but-

- Who's that?
- Well, he's�

- He's not Gutfeld, I'll tell you that.
- Tell you that much.

Tell you that much.

It's tough though, comedy's� You can't do
what you want to do anymore.

Well, you can't say anything.

All the Lib kids are now, you know,
"Don't say that. Don't do this."

Any good joke you can tell now,

you tell a good joke and the Libs go,
"Oh, no, you don't do that."

- "Don't say that, you know�"
- "Don't do the Chinese eyes."

- You can't do it.
- Yeah.

You can't tell funny jokes
like that anymore.

Like, you know, "How did a Chinese
lady name her son?"

- I've heard this one.
- How did she name her son?

Yeah, she threw the�

She threw the silverware down a hallway,

and that was what she named him.

- The sounds, it was boom, crash, smash.
- Boom, pow, crash.

- Smash, bong.
- Bop, bop, boom.

Bop, bop, boom. Yep.

- You can't say that anymore.
- The Libs will get mad at you.

They'll tweet about it.
You can't get tweeted about in 2026.

You can't get tweeted today.

But what I do is if I get tweeted,
I get tweeted,

I retweet the tweet, you know?

- You tweet it?
- I double down.

I retweet the tweet. I say,
"You wanna fuck with me? Look at this."

Boom. Now it's on my page forever.

- Control.
- Yeah, control. You gotta stay in control.

- It's tough to stay in control.
- I've done that. Have you taken a Waymo?

I can't do it. I don't trust the bots.

- Who?
- The bots, the robots.

I'm not getting into fucking
any sort of Nazi-mobile.

You know, Tesla,
Range Rover, well, you know.

- Those are Nazi-mobiles?
- First, they look like it.

Yeah, depends on where they're going.

But the Waymo, look,
I know that it's probably good.

Girls are getting accosted
in the back of Ubers.

You gotta keep them safe and protected.

Yeah, I don't think there's a-
You can't get verbally abused.

Well, I guess you can, right?

It's not as bad as if the guy
turns back and goes,

"Hey, you guys wanna go to my party?"
or, you know.

I don't do voices,
but you know who that was.

You get in these cars.

No, I know. You get in these cars,
these Ubers now,

and they're on the phone, these guys.

And they're talking. You okay?

They're talking to their friends
in the old country, you know?

And they're yapping away,
and you gotta hear his whole conversation.

Pitching movies, CDs.

You get in there and it's, you know, it
sounds like 9/11's gonna happen again.

Yeah.

They're not doing it again to us.

Not doing it again. Not in this lifetime.

No, we're prepared this time.

We got weapons.

I got a gun.

You bought a gun?

I still got a gun, yeah.

You gotta have one.
I have one under the pillow.

The .22 I shot Kath with, I kept it.

Yeah, I forgot.

I keep that thing on me.

It's so easy to get a gun.

You just go down to your local Walmart
and you go, "I'm bored,"

- and they go, "Here."
- "Here's a gun."

- "Here's a gun."
- Greatest country in the world.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's my son.

Yeah, keep it going for Eli, everybody.

Welcome back.

- Back from college?
- Good to see you.

- Yeah, good to see you, brother.
- Missed you. Hey, Dad.

- Yeah, good to see you. Sit down.
- Can we hug?

I don't want to.

Take a seat, college boy.

Here's my libtard college son.

You can't say that, Dad.

Well, I'm gonna say it
because you moved to San Francisco.

And he's living out there at the
University of California, San Francisco.

We're all proud of him.
He's in his seventh year.

Yeah, what are you studying up there, Eli?

Well, he's transitioned. First of all,
he's in the middle of transitioning.

That's not true.

What did you go from P to V or V to P?
What are you doing?

No.

No. No.

He went from C to J.
We were Catholic, now he's Jewish.

- I'm Jewish now. Yeah.
- No way.

Hey, hey. Converted to Judaism.
You don't call it transitioning, okay?

That is transition. You switched out.

I raised you a good�

You know what he wants? You know how
these guys, they got their�

"Call me this."

"Oh, I want to be called this.
Call me this now."

Tell him what your new name is.

I'm Eli now.

Eli now.

I raised him a good Catholic boy.

Good Catholic name, Jacob.

Also Jewish, by the way.

That's also a Jewish name, Dad.
It's not even that different.

That has nothing to do with it.

- Is that a Jew name?
- Yeah.

What are you doing back here?

You just hanging out for the summer?

- Yeah, you know, I got a summer job.
- He's asking for money.

He's gonna come home,
he asks for money every time.

- You got money troubles?
- I'm in a bit of a rut.

What are you doing?

I made a couple bad financial decisions,
and I need your help, Dad.

What have you been betting on?

I bet on the war.

I knew it.

Which one?

All of them. I bet on all the wars.

What'd you put�
That the Hormuz would open?

Yeah, I put all my Hawk Tuah coin on the�

Yeah, yeah.

That's where you went wrong.

You put your Hawk Tuah coin
on the Strait of Hormuz?

The Strait of Hormuz.

On the Strait of Hormuz opening up.

Now when this podcast comes out,
that's gonna be outdated,

but I still�

Hawk Tuah is?

Oh, big time.

Hawk Tuah, yeah.
She had her day in the sun, by the way.

Well, the sun was blocked
because she was on her knees.

Yeah.

I also� I got circumcised.

- Hey, all right.
- Let me see.

- Because of the conversion.
- Let me see.

Well.

Show him. Show him.
Show him, he's your dad. Show him.

Show me what they did to you.

- I don't want to show�
- Show him what they did to you.

- Come on.
- Where'd you get it done? At Panera?

Where'd you get it done?

- What are you gonna do? I'll turn away.
- Show me what they did to you.

- Do you want to give me a hug?
- Come on.

Come back here. Show me your cock.

Come on. I want to see it.

He's your dad. Show him your penis.

Come on. I wanna see your penis.

So, who's everybody voting for?

Yeah, I'm�

Please don't laugh.

You gotta see what this�
This thing is embarrassing.

Yeah, show me. Go back there.

- That's insane.
- That's really not nice.

- Yeah, show him.
- All right, I'll show you my penis.

Yeah.

What do you think?

Jesus Christ.

Just like old times, right?

- What was that about, Ron?
- I don't know what he meant by that.

What was that about, Ron?

Ron?

Any other dads here?
Any other new dads? How about this guy?

How about this six-foot-seven
Subway guy right here?

- Eli, back there. This guy.
- Where?

- The mustache at the end. This guy.
- This guy right here?

Stand up, sir. What's your name?
Who's this guy?

He's piqued my interest
since he showed up.

Look at that guy. Fuck it.
It's Barron Trump. Look at this guy.

Oh my God.

Barron Trump!

- Barron Trump, if he got on HGH.
- Is that Barron Trump right there?

- There he is.
- Barron Trump, look at him.

- How's your dad?
- I've never felt safer in my life.

Dad, you've never held me like this.

- You've never hugged him like that.
- That's Smokey the Bear.

What's your name?

Bill.

- Who is it?
- This is Bill.

Bill. Where are you from, Bill?

Memphis, Tennessee.

Oh my God.

Memphis, Tennessee. I've been there.

What do you do down there?

We play sports.

They play sports down there.

Do you play football for the university?
No, not in Knoxville.

What do you do down there?
Ted, do you play football?

Yeah.

What's two plus two?

Because so far, it doesn't feel like
you should be outside on your own accord.

Where do you play football?

- Where do you play football?
- We're here now.

- We're here now.
- We're here now.

Is that the quote above the locker room
when you're walking in?

"We're here now. Slap the fucking wall."

Yeah. There's sports there,
but he's here now.

Are you mentally handicapped?

My wife used to drive around
mentally handicapped kids.

That's my mother
and you shot her in the face.

I know how to talk to you guys.

Beep boop, wee-oo.

Is that why you play sports,
so you can wear a free helmet?

Thanks for coming out.

- Eli, we got another question.
- Thanks for coming out, buddy.

You're gonna be a great dad.

Well, you know,
there's a lot going on in the world.

And this is the time of the show

where I think it's only fair
to bring out somebody

that has been near and dear
to my heart in the neighborhood,

somebody who helped start
the Neighborhood Watch program.

I don't know. He's a guy that you might,
you have a little bit of a beef with.

But he's become one of my favorite guys�

- Don't bring him out.
- �in the neighborhood.

Don't bring him out.
I'll hit him over the head with this.

Don't bring him out.

I don't want to see his face.

Here's our neighbor.
He's my neighbor, Mark McGrath.

That's my neighbor,
Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray.

Damn it.

- Damn it.
- What's up, Ron?

- That's my neighbor, Mark McGrath.
- What's up, Bob?

That's my neighbor, Mark McGrath.

Yeah, that's my neighbor, Mark McGrath.

Lead singer of Sugar Ray.

It's been a while since I've seen
a full house, man. This is great.

- How you doing, man?
- Good to see you, Mark.

Mark helped me start
the Neighborhood Watch about six days ago.

- It's three of us now.
- It's three of us now, yeah.

- And Bob, I mean, you know, Bob's�
- Mark is my direct competition for ass.

Every time I have a nice broad,

Mark's always swooping in and taking her.

What is� What is this, Ron?

- I've never been in your basement.
- So this is� Yeah, we got everything.

We got the stereo,
we got some beers, we got�

- We got some cookies my wife made.
- You want cookies, Mark?

I want cookies, Bob.

Slow down on the sugar�

How come there's no-

�Ray.

You know, I felt like
I was lied to my whole life.

I thought Sugar Ray was a real guy.

No, that's this guy.
You never heard of Sugar Ray?

- You never heard of Sugar Ray?
- Sugar Ray.

Sugar Ray. That's Sugar Ray right there.

What about "I Just Want to Fly"?
Is it about doing drugs?

No, it's just purely about someone
searching for a place they'd want to be

rather than here right now.

- Well, I got�
- Wow, that's beautiful.

I got a quick way we can do that.
Spark it up, Bob.

There's never been a time in my life-

Look, when you're almost hitting 60,
there's a lot going on.

You wake up every morning, right?

The alarm gives off a warning.
You think you're gonna make it on time.

And by the time you grab your books
and you give yourself a look,

you're at the corner just in time to see
the bus drive by.

It's all right
'cause I'm saved by the bell.

But, but I like�

You weren't supposed to smoke weed
with your diabetes.

Mark McGrath, ladies and gentlemen.

- Mark McGrath!
- Wait, don't go.

Did you guys have a good time tonight?

Hey, give it up
for my friend Bob over here.

Hey, give it up
for my friend Ron over here.

Great show.

We'll see you on the Internet.
I gotta go take a shit.

- Good night, everybody.
- Good night!

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