Original subtitles

Read about the things that happen throughout the world.

Don't believe in everything you see or hear.

And welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara O'Brien. Joining us this week are Sarah

Pascoe, Rhys James and Emmanuel Sanubi, Zoe Lyons, Ed Byrne and Glenn Moore.

We can start tonight with a round called If This Is The Answer, What Is The

Question? On the board are six categories. Emmanuel, which category

would you like?

I'm going with home news. Okay, your topic is home news.

The answer is 379 years. What is the question?

How old is Morgan Freeman really?

Is it just to be safe, what is the minimum age on Andrew's dating apps now?

Is it how much older do my testicles look than the rest of me?

Is it how old would my great-great-great-grandad be if he

wasn't such a pussy?

I went early with that one. I'm quite surprised that they liked it.

Is it how long would it take... Pee did it to run out of baby oil.

Is it, how long would my great-great-grandad take to run out of

baby oil if he wasn't such a pussy?

Is it, how old would you are Oliver Cromwell's library books?

Oliver Cromwell, that'll work.

Is it, when does a vampire start puberty?

Is it, how old are my oldest knickers?

Is it, how much history has happened in the past week?

Is it, how long will it be before America can look back on this period and

laugh?

How long would the Hundred Years' War take now that everyone's got ADHD?

How long have I been learning to speak Klingon?

Do you frequently do rural bus services, Ron?

Is it? What does a parent say?

I've got my finger on the hot topics of the week.

Is it, if I do my Nelson Mandela impression, how long will it be before

I'm allowed back on the television?

Do it, do it.

I've been working on this for some time, Ed.

I really want to see that now.

How long it used to feel in between Christmases before we grew up and

realized we had to pay for it?

Do you have the correct answer, please?

It's the last time a royal was arrested.

It's absolutely right. Thank you very much, Ray.

Yes, the test I was looking for was...

When was the last time a senior royal was arrested?

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor was arrested for suspicion of misconduct in public

office. The last royal arrest was on Charles I in 1647 for high treason. He

was later convicted and executed for the crime.

When you're not laughing, you're learning.

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has consistently denied any wrongdoing.

Yeah, he would, though, wouldn't he?

Yes, for...

Possibly revealing details when he was a trade envoy. A job that I remember us

talking about years ago in the show in a kind of a, oh, is he a trade envoy now,

is he?

Whereas now we have to go, he was a trade envoy.

It's just busy work, isn't it? A trade envoy.

It's like, what else are we going to do with him?

It's the equivalent of sending the apprentice to go and get a bubble for

the spirit level.

Go and get a tin of tartan paint.

Oi, Andrew, go and be a trade envoy.

To be fair to him, if you look at this picture, this was obviously a very

stressful day, and he's not sweating. So maybe he was telling the truth.

Everybody's praising this photographer for getting the snap that nobody else

could get.

The first thing you learn how to do with editing software is red-eye reduction.

I couldn't even manage that.

This picture as well.

uh that the guard was actually saying that there was a problem with the button

trying to let them out that's why they were stuck there for so long i've been

what a lie he just said again no i am pressing it did you get the pitch here

it's one of these oops

No, I genuinely can at any time.

I don't have to do it just over there.

I can do it at any time.

But I choose not to. That's real power.

What's mad about this whole thing, though, is he's been arrested, but he's

been arrested for misconduct. Don't you dare.

Do you want to go up for misconduct in public?

To be fair with this photo, there aren't many of us to get to see what we'd look

like in an open casket, do we?

Just thinking how annoying it is to be stuck in trafficking.

But it feels like they just keep taking things from him.

And you keep going, surely that's everything now.

And then just this week, having stripped him of his royal titles, having stripped

him of all his military ranks, they've suddenly come out with, oh, we might

also stop him from his line of succession to the throne.

Which he still has.

He's still eight in line to the throne. So maybe we'll take... He's like the bad

guy at the end of a horror film.

You just think you've got... Oh, here he comes again.

He's done.

He's currently eight in line for the throne, and soon he'll be eight in line

for the phone.

If we get taken out of the succession, we all get to move up one, don't we?

Yeah, yeah.

Unless he's reinserted further down the line.

Because it was early in the morning, wasn't it, that they arrived? And

they're saying, oh, he could have been in bed. And I can't not imagine him in

bed with the police at the foot of his bed and him just thinking, one of these

is Michael McIntyre.

All of it's very circumstantial because they don't actually know.

They say that he could have been in bed, he could have been having breakfast, but

all of it...

Sounds really creepy.

He could have been eating an egg.

It is bound to have an impact on his mental health, isn't it? Because you

know what they say about the Duke of York, you know, when he was up, he was

up.

When he's down. I mean, Ronald also was notable about the timing of the arrest.

Oh, he was right there.

Do you reckon when he got arrested and they said date of birth and he said it,

they were like, that's a date of happy birth?

Well, what's the main thing that you want on your birthday? That the whole

day is about you.

And that couldn't have happened in a more extreme way.

Everyone's talking about you today.

Congratulations. Well, I think it's quite sweet. Apparently when they

knocked down the door, they went, have you got anything to say in your defense?

I'm just waiting for this to come out on 24 hours on Police Cuff today. That's

what I'm watching.

It's going to be the best episode ever. Because he will do it, because he'll

think, oh, I'll wait for me to get my side of the story out.

It's the same with Prince Andrew's staff. It came out that their nickname

for him was the word C-U-N-T.

I wonder what they're trying to say about him. I wish I could crack one

kind.

What way has the staff reduced?

Skeleton crew? He has, he has.

It's chef and valet, apparently. A chef and a valet being described as a

skeleton crew, that's still more than my crew.

Because they haven't actually hired this valet yet, have they? Do you know what

they should do? They should do a reality show about it.

They should make a reality show called Ain't No Valet Low Enough.

Moving on, what has Nigel Farage recently announced?

It's not his shadow cabinet because he's not the official opposition.

He's just announced what jobs he's given to the various conservative MPs. Yes,

during his party.

And just so they don't get too spooked, this is them in the most conservative

cosplay situation.

It does look like Farage is going, what's that? That looks like, oh it is,

it's a bottle of piss.

That's him doing his favourite film, E.T. Go Home.

Who's the guy next on the right of him? Is that Rupert?

It's Richard Tite. Richard Tite. Because all of them look happy, except Richard

Tite, who looks like he's sort of in Jurassic Park.

And the rest of them are going, no, it's okay, Richard, the dinosaurs will vote

for us.

I love the way they do the thing of taking a successful TV show and then

just franchising it to different cities.

This is succession, Croydon.

I should just say, Tories, clearance sale.

It's mad that Reform are so obsessed with the past they're trying to get the

previous cabinet elected.

It's the exact same thing, isn't it? This is the Tory party. Same colours,

they've just changed the name.

It's like when everyone knew Hermes was so shit that they changed it to Every.

We wouldn't notice that we're still getting our parcels four days late and

they smell of piss.

Are you saying this would be T.G. Jones?

I think you might have. That just really irritates me, T.G. Jones. Like, they

moved everything one to the left.

You've got a classier reference point than me, I'm going to say.

I don't know what you're talking about. What? W.A. Smith is now called T.G.

Jones? What?

What?

We thought it was an Irish thing. No!

By the way, it was T.G.I. Friday. No!

They split the company, and the only way they were making money was their travel

business, so they split it away, and they moved all the stuff that we used.

How can they be making money at those service stations for only charging £5

for a litre of milk?

That's incredible.

It's now called T.G. Jones, but they've done it with the same font and the same

thing. This is T.G. Jones, basically, yeah.

Am I bringing this news to the table?

This is crazy. This is the news.

This is the bit that'll go in. This is the bit that's going to be all over.

instagram hello tick tock uh sheeple it's pg jones now in

the w8 smith and color to be there my mind is absolutely blows because even

with that before that obviously they're going it's not hermes it's been saying

that blew my mind did anyone else not know that i didn't know that and then

this has happened i was like this is too much what else has changed well walworth

is gone have you heard

Yes, this show was recorded before the results of the Gorton and Denton by

-election, as which you will know now because you brought a newspaper in T.G.

Jones.

Moving on. What major changes to the UK drug laws might Green Party's Zach

Polanski be proposing?

Oh, he wants to decriminalise... Decriminalise, yeah. A-list, A-list, A

-class drugs? Yeah, not A-list. A-list drugs.

It's all come a bit too late for me, though, with this. I mean, this would

have been exciting news, I think, in my 30s. But now, if I'm at a party, I'm the

one chopping up the drugs using my National Trust membership card.

And it's Ivor Brufen, so... It's funny, though, that, like he said, something

about possibly decriminalising or dealing with drugs in a different way,

which somebody would have jumped on in a... What?! You want to inject heroin

into our children's eyeballs?! What are you doing?!

Them and the Labour Party. I think it could save the high street.

The high street is basically just a vape shop now.

So you make all drugs legal, then you could just have sort of ketamine

emporiums and stuff like that.

You know, T.G. Jones. The T.G. stands for the ganja.

You're really taking this new information and running with it.

Are you jonesing for a fix?

based on this show with how many adults we have. Yeah.

They're up in the corporate hospitality box going, all of our spend went on this

podcast.

It's better work out, you know. Now we call it WH Spliff.

I can't laugh around. It's going to Zoe Eddington.

Join us after the break for more.

Now we play a game called, You Think That's Bad?

In a world where everything seems to be going wrong, this is a chance for a

performance to compete, to outdo each other with tales of woe from their

lives, and I decide whose is the worst. Anyone care to start us off?

I had to go to a gender reveal party the other day, and they are hacky as hell,

and they make me sick.

Like, physically, I got ill from one. My cousin's pregnant, she was having a

gulf. All the food at the gender reveal party was, like, pink on the inside.

That chicken burger is the hardest to have a shit on.

My parents had a gender reveal party for me, which was hurtful because I was 11

at the time.

We've gathered the evidence.

And we feel 60-40.

Okay, well, do you think that's bad? I was involved off and on with a topical

comedy panel show on TV for many, many years, and then they suddenly introduced

a round I still haven't got a handle on.

Pretty, yeah, pretty, yeah. It's been serious when that happens.

I used to go to a particular newsagent and then, well, they just changed their

name.

You think that's bad? I've got an iPad that works on facial recognition that

won't allow me in before 11.30 in the morning now.

That refuses, Dara. I have to lie on my back and let the face reveal the troll.

Is that why Andrew was leaning back in the car? You think he wanted to use the

troll?

I've let me into my bones.

You think that's bad?

I haven't married so long that I actually booked myself a prostate exam

for Valentine's Day just to feel something.

Why did you make it become this?

The gentle observations are at life.

There's a cry for help. You think that's bad? I did my first shift as a prostate

doctor this day.

You think that's bad? I went to a gym on the roads, and not my gym, and their

dumbbells only went up to 50 kilos.

We've all had that struggle.

What the hell is this?

Why are you running here?

A gym for ants!

You think that's bad?

Last year, I got run over by a stretch limo for three-quarters of an hour.

Do you think that's bad? One of my closest friends recently got arrested on

his birthday.

Do you think that's bad?

I don't actually know what my wife does for a living, and I feel it's too late

to ask.

She's on OnlyFans.

Do you think that's bad?

I'm going to win this now. Do you think that's bad?

My son is toilet trained. He has been for a long time. He doesn't have

accidents. Sometimes he shits on the floor for fun.

My reaction, okay? So we spoke to a child psychologist. Apparently, when you

want your child to stop doing something, you're supposed to not react when they

do it.

I'm not that good an actor. I don't think that Judi Dench could turn the

other cheek when someone was shitting on her carpet.

So when he does it, I scream, and I run towards it, and I pick it up as quickly

as I can, you know, sometimes with my bare hands.

No, before you dare judge me, if I don't get it quickly, the dog eats it.

I'm here to do show business.

I think you win.

At the end of that, the point goes to Emmanuel Rinson-Clara.

The next round is called 24 Hours in Police Custody.

This game involves Glenn and Emmanuel, so if you could make your way to the

performance area, please. This round is a stand-up challenge. I launch the wheel

of news, and whoever chooses to stop one of our performers must step forward.

talk about that subject. The winner is whoever I think is the funniest.

Okay, here we go. Our first topic, please. Let's spin the wheel.

The first topic is human behavior.

Manuel.

Human behavior, I think, is a very interesting thing. Now, for me, I used

to play a lot of rugby.

And now that I don't play rugby, I'm only realizing now how what we would

call normal behavior as rugby players is apparently very different.

to what everyone else calls normal behaviour.

We all know, well, most people know the Guinness game. The Guinness game where

you take your first swig and you try and split the G is the plan. Rugby players,

we play them differently, I found out.

When I was out with some friends, I say friends, I'd just met the dude, but

we're drinking Guinness, so it means we're brothers now, and he asked me to

watch his drink.

So I said yes, and he went to the toilet, and the moment he left, I put my

balls in his pint.

Which, I think, is completely normal behaviour. And I can see some of the

reactions. There's some of you here that disagree.

Shockingly, so did he. When he came back, he was furious. I was like, you

asked me to. Obviously not with many words, but you gave me a pint.

I was like, who does that? And he was like, we're at a christening. And I

thought...

I love a prank, but my issue is I can't play pranks. Like, I shouldn't play

pranks. I'm far too big to play pranks. Like, I can't jump out on anyone.

It's not funny when I do it.

Some of you will jump out on your friends.

Banter. I do it. It's GBH.

But I like... Pranks, and famously one that I got in trouble, I say famously,

it's why I'm not allowed at that school.

My son's school, when he first started primary school, I missed the whole first

month because I was way on the road. So I was gutted, I wanted to be there, and

this was my first time doing the school collection, so I was excited.

I was the only parent outside the school. I got there early. And one of

the teachers came out, and quite rightly so, she'd never seen me before.

She said, afternoon, so which one of these lovely children are you here to

take home with you today?

And I couldn't help myself. I said, I don't know yet.

It's funny.

The police didn't think so, it was weird.

Okay, that leaves us with Glenn. Let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the

wheel.

It's motivation.

I wasn't very motivated when I was growing up. I was quite an ungrateful

kid, even though I got to grow up in the 90s and noughties. I thought everything

in the 90s was boring and predictable.

I'd be like, well, music in the 90s is so predictable, and movies are so

predictable, and TV is so predictable. Every Saturday night, you turn the TV,

and oh, surprise, surprise, surprise, surprise.

Even though I had a perfectly nice childhood, my parents were always very,

very loving. They were always very supportive. Every time it was my

birthday, they'd throw a big party. They'd always invite the local kids'

entertainer. Typo the Clown.

We'd have fun.

Maybe because I had quite an antisocial family. Very antisocial family when I

was growing up. We never wanted guests or visitors. We used to hide the welcome

mat under the spare key.

Or maybe you didn't want to see people because we lived in quite a bad area. I

knew it was a shit area. At least I knew it was a shit area. Some of you might

live in a part of town. You can't make up your mind as to whether or not your

area is nice or shit. I've worked out the best way to determine if your area

is nice or shit. Have a think to yourself.

If there was a zombie apocalypse tomorrow, how quickly would you realise?

As long as you live in a cotswold, you'd look out your window one morning and be

like, well, I can see a bin tipped on its side and I can hear a car alarm in

the distance.

Something's afoot.

I've been Croydon every single day of my life. I'll be like, oh, a guy in a

tattered suit just bit me in Aldi. We go again, we go again.

Best way to work out of your area is shit. Go out to the middle of your road

with a loudspeaker at two in the morning, say, come out with your hands

up and see how many people do.

I get jealous of people who are motivated.

You know, you look at celebrities when they become world-class in, like, more

than one job. You look at someone like Lady Gaga. You go, oh, my God,

incredible world-class singer. Also, Oscar-nominated actor. How have you

become world-class in two separate jobs? And there's no link between... I mean,

sometimes you even look at a celebrity who becomes world-class in three

separate jobs. There's no link between any of those. Julius Caesar, Roman

Emperor, C-sections and salad dressing. What a weird... Thank you. Thank you

very much, guys.

Getting that round. The points go to...

Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.

Our next round is called Picture of the Week.

I just have a topic and everybody's going to have to tell me what is

happening. So team, what's going on here?

He's just woken up. He thinks he's at an auction for Greenland.

This is Trump saying, would you like to see my dickie?

Is he asking, which one's the suit knife?

Looks like he's trying to chat her up. He's going, you remind me of my wife in

that you're sitting at a different table to me.

Is she saying, one more question and I'm going to go and ask for Angela?

Have you heard?

They've changed the name to T.G. Jones.

It just looks like she's saying to him, honey, I cannot explain to you what a

tariff is. One more time.

Looks like he's having a rare moment of introspection going, hey, wait a minute.

Do people, do people, am I a bad person?

Are you that little Miss Redacted I keep reading about?

He's saying, I have shat myself, but I think I got away with it.

And she's clearly going, no.

have the correct answer. That is Trump.

I think that's at the governor's dinner and that's his chief of staff, isn't it?

I think so, yes, absolutely. Thank you very much. Well done, Ed Burns.

Yes,

this is US President Donald Trump who suffered a setback recently when the

Supreme Court ruled that he had overstepped his authority by introducing

a huge range of global tariffs without congressional approval last year. The

ruling raises the possibility that the US government has to refund billions of

dollars to businesses and consumers.

How, and I presume it being calmly and with some consideration, has Trump

responded to this? Exactly as you said, calmly and reasonably.

That's weird because he's normally so reasonable about these things. I hope

everything's all right at home.

I do feel sorry for them because Trump is a toddler and he has a toddler's...

psychology, and they keep trying to deal with him like he's an adult.

So I've got a two-year-old in my house, and he wants to get inside the

dishwasher. And you can't tell him he's not allowed in the dishwasher. That

makes him want it more, like Trump with the tariffs. You can't try and talk to

him about consequences.

There's knives in there, you'll hurt yourself, you might break it so no one

has clean plates. They don't care about consequences.

You have to do distraction.

Supreme Court needs to get a little jar of jelly beans.

They need to find a neighbour with a puppy or a kitten.

It's never too early in the year to start talking about Father Christmas.

All that happened is I'm now just picturing Trump shitting on your carpet.

It's really confusing and damaging for British business. What we want is

stability. What would be great, it would be great if we just, I don't know, if we

had a trade envoy who...

Maybe shared similar interests with Trump.

But he is, he's doing this, the whole point of this is supposedly to support

American businesses. So we need to retaliate by supporting British

businesses. The most successful British business at the moment is OnlyFans.

What I've been doing is an act of patriotism.

That hand isn't available.

Thank you.

It feels like someone else is saluting.

We all know what this is all about. This is all just to distract from the Gorton

and Denton by-election.

Moving on, why are female tortoises on a Macedonian island hurling themselves off

cliffs? Well, I'm glad you asked this.

Is that not the most contrived question?

Why are female tortoises on a Macedonian island... curling themselves up because

that's the mad libs that were on your fridge.

Do you know what the funny thing is? I have no idea. I didn't read this one.

You can all talk about yourselves.

And I'll take out some glasses and read out what the fuck is happening in

Macedonia. It's because of the men's tortoises.

They would rather be dead at the bottom of a cliff than spend any more time

being a heterosexual woman tortoise.

The male tortoises have started biting their genitals to instigate mating and

they're like, I'm out of here.

That's the true story.

The lady tortoises are trying to avoid the in

-shells.

The next round is called Between the Lines. It features Ed and Rhys. Would

you make your way to the press pit, please?

Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure on the world stage,

while Ed will translate what they really mean.

This week, Rhys is Keir Starmer.

Finally, someone cool.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have been Prime Minister for almost two years now.

Thought I'd better let you know in case you were wondering who I am.

I will carry on as Prime Minister as long as the people want me.

Bye.

There isn't a shred of evidence I knew what Peter Mandelton was up to.

There are actually lots of shreds of evidence in the bottom of my shredding

machine.

I can promise you there will be no more U-turns.

Terms and conditions apply at our full discretion. The Labour Party reserves

the right to backtrack on this promise without prior notice at a time

convenient to us and then pretend it was what we were going to do all along.

A recent poll shows my popularity is growing.

People prefer me to Prince Andrew and Hugh Edward.

People have criticised me for my views of the transgender issue.

And when I say people, I mean they. No, sorry, she. Do I? Oh, God.

The last Conservative government almost destroyed the country.

Time to finish the job.

Labour has got to learn lessons and say the things our traditional voters want

to hear.

We... Don't know where that

was from.

If there are those who wish to challenge me, I am up for the fight.

You want to do this shit? You want to do this? Be my fucking guest. I will

straight up...

So, everyone, what's going on here?

Keir Starmer losing another seat.

Imagine Keir Starmer is going, I thought whales would be bigger than this.

Keir Starmer's misunderstood and thought the important issue was trans rights.

I think he's thinking, can I derail this too?

Has he just put them in the one mode of transport you can't do a U-turn in?

When did the train just say the country?

Oh, where are we going? Wales, when?

I'm going to see it, say it. Oh, he's fucked it.

Starmer's bored the cameraman so much, he's had to throw himself onto the

tracks to take a picture.

Is that a shot at West Streeting or a Prime Minister replacement service?

Who has Starmer reportedly been advised to sack? It is West Streeting. It is

West Streeting, yeah. Who I think is doing that sort of tactic of, you do

that thing where you behave like you've already got the job that you want and

hope people don't notice.

But at the end of that round, the points go to Sarah Rees-

I feel like I've just touched a US police officer's cup.

The thing is, you've angered him and he's going to take it out on me later.

I can't believe I've been part of a coup.

It is distracting at work, isn't it? It is, yeah. When someone wants your job.

I know. God, I've an insight into Chris Armour's world now.

Glenn's even rolled up his sleeves like he's a politician. He's ready to start

the job. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Enough of this.

Don't book Glenn again.

Anyone else? Oh, no. Are we just going to leave it?

Awkward power vacuum situation.

someone says they're finding someone distracting at work, that does usually

mean they have a crush on them.

Who's got a crush on who in this situation?

No, no, I'm talking about the Prime Minister again. Oh, sorry, okay.

Bro, you really sounded like you had your hopes up there for a second,

Darren.

This is legit.

Who's this crush you're talking about?

Jeez, I wish I had hair.

tension around the table today.

Okay. At the end of that round, the winners are... Oh, I think the winners

are over here.

The winners are Emanuel, Reece and Sarah.

Join us after the break for more Master Week.

The next round is called audience question time. We throw ourselves open

to the studio audience and invite them to ask us questions on any topic. First

up, Jason. Is Jason here?

How are you, Jason? Are you well?

I'm well. Oh, Jason's the first, I mean, the serious person to stand up. You

don't have to do it. We'll bring the mic to you. I'm going to stand up, yeah.

I love it, Jason.

Massive respect there, Jason. Thank you very much.

Jason, what question do you have for us?

I'd like to ask, what advice would you give someone that has just arrived in

this country?

Oh, thank you, travel agent.

I probably just make stuff up. I tell them, see all those flags on the

lampposts? They're just to mark the ones that need to be repaired.

There's actually a Nando's hack that if you want to get yourself a butterfly

chicken, don't order the butterfly chicken, because that's £16.50.

Get two kids' meals, which is £13 total, but you get the same amount of food, but

you're saving £3.

Look at everyone going, oh, finally, Nando's is cheeky again. Now we're going

for it. But I just want to know how the staff react when you arrive, order two

kids' meals without Phil from with you.

It's amazing that Glenn's going for your job and Emmanuel's going for Martin

Lewis's job.

It's the way that I order it when I'm in there. It's like, I'll have two kids'

meals, please.

Any other advice to people who are driving in? Get on a train and play my

favourite game, Lake or Flooded Field.

LAUGHTER So it's just a company we've made your way over, struggled through

all the things to go, but now we are here. We can play Lake or Flooded Field,

finally. He didn't say what he'd say to somebody who's come here as an asylum

seeker.

It's a visit to the country.

It's a fun thing to do. Oh, OK.

I took it as being... Look, I just took it as... Yeah, that's because you're

obsessed with them, Darry, you right-wing dick.

LAUGHTER

He's the classic legitimate immigrant.

Pull the ladder up.

I'll let you in.

You were there first.

Yeah, you were.

I'll clap it over you while you're on the ladder.

I would say, if you have just arrived into the country, people refer to a shop

called W.H. Smith.

Gone. It's gone.

For T.G. Jones.

For all your stationary needs.

Okay, thank you very much, Jason. Thank you.

And Anita, by any chance. Hi, Anita, how are you? Hi, nice to see you.

What question do you have for the panel? Do you have any dating tips?

I'll take this.

A burner phone. That's my first piece of advice.

And hide it under the floor with a loose floorboard and put it on silent.

I've got a good dating tip.

If you go to Nando's, you can get two kids.

If you've got nothing else to do on Valentine's Day, I know where you can

feel something.

I'd wait until after the start before suggesting a threesome.

I'll give you the advice that my mum gave me when I was 20, which is be very

careful who you get pregnant by, because you'll have to see him every two weeks

for the rest of your life.

Absolutely watch your behaviour, because it's the slightest thing, somebody will

just decide, no, no chance.

A friend of my wife was once on a date with a guy and she decided, absolutely

not, because he licked his knife.

That was it. Whilst they were having dinner, he licked his knife and she

went, boom, that's it.

And I just thought that was such a minor thing. But she said, well, if he's like

that on a date, imagine what he's like at home.

Is he going to come home and he's going to have his balls in the cutlery drawer?

Also, did she actually do the mime? Because when you say lick someone's

knife, you're doing it like it's like he's just licking off some gravy. But

what if he was like... Look at her right in the eye.

And it wasn't like it was a knife that he had in a special leather.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Now we come to things we'd like to see. So if everyone can make their way over

to the performance area.

I'll read out the three topics and see what our panellists can come up with.

OK, here we go. The first subject is... Strange flyers to get through your door.

Come work for us at IKEA.

Even if you get a rejection, it's always good to get your foot in the flogging

slough.

Problem with rodents?

So have we. That's why our pizzas are just £9.99.

can get rid of your gran.

Do you want to learn to sound like you're ending a news report?

Well, with your help, we could make sites like this a thing of the past.

Do you need your locks fixing?

Well, you found this flyer on your bedside table, so I'm going to say yes.

Problem with pests?

Imagine how the royal family feel.

Do you need flyers printing?

Me too. That's why I'm screaming outside your house.

Enjoy this money-off coupon for Nando's. Just tell them you're two children.

Mini Mike and his tiny hands.

No job too small.

Do you need a psychic?

No? God, I'm bad at this.

This is not junk mail.

Although, technically, I am a mail, and it is my junk.

The Amdram Society presents a plumber trying to fix a broken toilet in Harper

Lee's to swill a blocking perm.

Three holidays away, all I have to do is vote reform.

I suddenly need an osteopath.

Call 0800... Each night, the bombing

intensifies. That's right, Rhys James is back on tour.

Need a comedian for an event but find Miles Jupp a bit too funny? Try Glenn

Moore.

Yeah, fuck Glenn.

If you've read this, please stick it to your fridge or the child who made it

will have died for nothing.

Our survey has discovered that 90% of residents in this area don't know that W

.H. Smith has changed its name.

I've been watching you masturbate through your letterbox.

Please stop masturbating through your letterbox.

maximum wear and tear, dressed up as Margaret Thatcher.

If found, please return to Glenmore.

Local Tex-Mex burger joint.

Lone Star. That's not our name. That's our hygiene rating.

The name is not for turning.

the 3rd of May for your local Women's Institute gathering.

There'll be raffles, cakes, and Margaret's famous slut drops.

Come and spend the day where?

Oh, Diggerland.

Filthy curtains, dirty floors, untidy back garden.

Short your life out, you filthy fuck.

The next topic is unlikely lines from a children's book.

So, you're telling me you kissed a sleeping woman without her consent?

We're going to have to strip you of your tile of prints.

By David Walliams.

It was a blustery day in the Hundred Acre Wood.

Pooh trudged along the path.

Hello, Al, he said to Al.

Get a shirt that covers your dick!

And then Dumbo said, do you want to see my elephant impression?

And I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll

blow all of you, said Bonnie Blue.

Who's been sleeping in my bed, said the cuckold bear.

Someone's been eating my porridge, said Mummy Bear.

Someone's been eating my porridge, said Baby Bear.

Someone's been drinking my piss, said Bear Grylls.

Someone's been sitting in my chair, said Hugh, while he was watching this show.

And Rapunzel's hair continued to grow until it was long enough to reach all

the way from the top of the castle down to the floor outside, as the wait

continued for Man United to win five games in a row.

And why am I called after Paddington Station, said the bear?

Well, I've got a lot of people into reading.

No, reading. It's reading.

As he unzipped his trousers, the giant yelled, Pee-fi-fo-fum, you won't believe

how much I cum.

OK, that is unlikely.

Don't worry, Piglet, said Pooh, Eeyore's just having a bath and we should...

Where's our toaster?

My, my, Grandma, what big tits you have.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, throw down your weave.

I think Alice has fallen down a rabbit hole.

She keeps doing weird tweets about how 5G gives you X-Files.

And when Alice awoke, thinking of all of the crazy things that had happened and

the strange people that she'd met, she thought, I'll never take ketamine ever

again.

No, Gollum, I won't stick me finger in your ring.

Wow, said Charlie, a chocolate river. He couldn't believe he was at the Thames

facility.

What big teeth you've got, Nana.

I've just come back from turkey love.

And if we leave a trail of breadcrumbs, we can find our way back, said Hansel.

How dare you waste food when the world is burning, said Greta.

Professor Snape is off six, so Professor Freud will be filling him. Feeling him.

Fucking him. Sucking his dick.

That's the end of that round. The points go to Zoe, Ed and Glenn.

That's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Sarah Pascoe, Rhys James and Emmanuel Saboody.

Commiserations to Zoe Lyons, Ed Byrne and Glenn Moore.

Thank you for watching. I'm Dara Breen. Good night.