All language subtitles for Head.of.the.Family.WEBRip.Amazon.en-us

Now you got to
understand Billy boy better

play nice with the merchandise.

You tell him I'm going to weigh
it on my own fucking scale.

You short me again, I'm
going to break his other arm.

Sure, Howard,
yeah, I'll tell him.

And you fuck up Weasel, I'm
going to break your arm, too.

Howie, I know.

All right.

Now go on and get out of here.

Get.

Oh, Susie sometimes I feel

like a big old turd
in a small toilet.

Never makes you happy, honey.

And you, go easy on
that ice cream, huh.

You're starting to get all
poochy around the middle.

Geez Louise Howard,
it's fucking ass milk.

Yeah, well
it come out of a cow

and it make you fat, give
a shit what you call it.

Hey, here comes
the Stackpools.

Rosaries.

Hello Rey, Rey.

Fill that out for the
Stackpools, will you.

How are
you doing, Ernestina?

You all go with Rey,
he'll take care of you.

See you around, Ernestina.

That is without question the
most fuckable young lady I ever

seen outside a magazine.

Hell don't bother
me she's a retard.

Well, the way I
hear it, the only way

to get Ernestina is go
through her brother Otis.

You don't think I'd
take on the big dummy?

Oh, hell no.

I just want to be
around when you do it.

Yeah, I will.

Already got me a
sweet little chicken

and you know how I feel
about, what's that word?

Fucking?

No, watch your
mouth, the other one

where you don't be
sleeping around?

Fidelity?

Yeah, that's it.

Like on the mold, high fi's,

high fidelity, yeah,
that's what I go for.

What a man with a brain,
Howard

but I'm going to go
to the ladies room.

And why don't
you just talk up,

let everybody know about it.

You see what I got
to put up with.

Susie, watch the register.

I got to get some fries
from the basement.

But we got plenty...

Susie, don't
mind the inventory,

just watch the register.

Come here!

Dammit, we ain't got
no time for foreplay.

Smart woman.

See you soon Ernestina.

One day, cupcake.

Say it, baby, say it.

Call me Scarlet.

Say it Scarlet.

You're 10 times
the man Howard is.

And?

Howard's got a little
dick, you're the real man.

He can't satisfy me.

And?

Oh,
Howard's a pussy.

Yeah, then why the hell did
you married him, Lorretta?

Scarlet.

Scarlet, why did
you do it, huh?

It was the Harley, wasn't it?

All right, well, now
I'm the Harley baby.

Ride your little baby, Lance.

Whoa!

I've never known
a woman who takes

so damn much time in the toilet.

I swear that woman's got a
bladder the size of acorn.

Oh, Lorretta, come on.

Hey, Lorretta, you down there?

Shit, Howard's coming.

Oh, so am I.

Lorretta, you in there?

Lorretta, you down here or what?

Hey, is Lorretta down here?

Yeah, Howard,

she's in the employee
bathroom right in there.

Lorretta,
are you in there?

What do you want?

What do
you doing in there?

Toilet in
the ladies room is busted,

what do you think I'm doing?

Well, whatever
you're doing, hurry it up,

we got to go.

Okay, I'm out, you happy now?

Yeah, just fucking overjoyed.

Come on.

Lance, Lance.

Howard has to see you.

Howard.

Has to see you.

Well, what exactly did he say?

He said, "Go get Lance,
bring him over here

"and move your poochy buns."

Did he seem upset?

Well I can't say that he
did but then he never does.

Oh, shoot.

Lance, it ain't that part
at the back of the restaurant,

not much of a headstart
if you get my drift.

Okay, Lorretta, okay.

We'll just play it cool.

Cool, right, cucumber.

Compress the bolt spring

while holding the
front and flush.

Fuck off, friggin' bolt springs.

Well, Lance in the pants,
Lance, and look at this thing.

Try to save some money,
it's a fucking waste

of man's time buying
the thing in pieces.

You have to assemble it yourself,
save a couple of seats.

Shit, well, sit your ass down.

Right, sure, Howard.

Lance, you know
what I've been thinking?

Well, I know Howard.

I...

Lorretta, what you
doing standing there?

You serving tables around here?

No, I just wanted to...

Wanted to do the park your
mushy old butt down there next

to Lance, say you got no
cooties, have you Lance?

No, not that I think.

Lance, I'm going to
make this short and sweet.

Kind of like Lorretta
here except she ain't

so short, really.

Okay, now Howard, I don't
know what you've been hearing.

Hearing?

About what?

Nothing.

You don't know what I've
been hearing about nothing?

What the hell are
you talking about?

Uh, not, I mean, shit, Howard.

You know, I don't have clue one

what the hell I'm talking about.

And you know what I think,
you need to take it easy.

You're looking poorly,
ain't that right, Lorretta?

Yeah, looks like
he's got the flu.

Flu, what the fucking
flu got to do with it, huh?

You need to get
yourself out of here.

Go get yourself laid
once in a blue moon.

Hell, you ain't got
no natural charm but,

shit, even a little
shrimp with that ratty,

old beard like yours can at
least pay for it once in awhile.

And that's where I come in.

I'm sorry, what?

That's what I want
to talk to you about.

Now how much you
make in this place?

Say in a week or something?

Well, I don't know,
it kind of depends.

I figure about, uh, what...

A grand a week?

Huh, no, I don't
have that much.

I bet you want to know why.

Why?

Because you spread
yourself too thin.

That's why you're all pale and
kind of sicky-ugly-looking.

But here I am, I'm going
to save your skinny ass.

Oh, gee, Howard, actually...

Oh Lancy pantsy, what you
need is partner, you know.

Someone to kind of
ease a strain and I'm

lookin' to diversify,
you know what I mean?

It means...

It means that I
share the burden,

I'll be your partner,
shared share alike.

Hell, I guess you still
have to be doing most

of the day to day stuff.

Partners.

Well sure, I mean
I've been partnering

up with businesses
all over town.

I did Joey down at
the hardware store.

Ben Buffle's Wash-O-Rama.

Man, I'm becoming a
regular, what's that word?

A shake-down artist?

Oh, Lorretta, if I didn't
love that big old behind

of yours so much, I'd pack you

on your worst fucking nightmare.

Entrepreneur is the
fucking word, entrepreneur.

So now I'm going to come
here and bring my talents

to bear right here
at the Shop and Stop

and how is that for good news?

Actually, Howard...

Now, now, no need to
thank me, it's my pleasure,

and don't worry about
no paper work either.

Whenever you get it done,
we just back date it

to right now.

Hallelujah.

Now see, just little,
uh, what that word?

Brains?

No, persistence, I tell
you something Lorretta,

you're getting in some need of
serious attitude adjustment.

Sometime I envy the
single white boy.

On the house, partner.

What you waiting on?

Fucking invitation from
the Queen of England?

More like the
Duke of the Dumb.

Come on chubby cheeks.

What are you looking at?

A grave waiting to be filled.

No, I don't know what
you're talking about.

I'm talking about
somebody plowing some Oats,

Lorretta Oats to be precise.

Susie, I'm a big boy.

Oh, you're a big boy, Lance.

Only Howard Oats is
even a bigger boy.

He finds out about
you and Lorretta,

he is going to put a
loop up around your neck

and drag you up and down
Main Street on his Harley.

Now if you want to keep
your head on your shoulders,

you had better start using it.

I can't do that,
I can't let her go.

It's a grand passion,
that's what it is.

Being with her, shoot, is
like fucking a firecracker.

Hey, how late can he stay?

Oh, a while.

Howard's beating up
some guys in Rawley.

He should be gone
till around midnight.

Yeah, keep dancing
Scarlet, keep dancing.

Oh, it's a problem all
right, it's a problem.

I don't see what the problem
is, just hang around up back

to trailer park, wait till
he walks by, pop a cap

in the back of his head.

Well, it ain't the
doing it that's hard,

it's getting away with it.

Now, no matter how you cut
it or slice it, Howard turns

up with a bullet,
somebody's going

to be looking in our direction.

Lance, you're
too smart is all.

Gotta make things complicated,
everybody hates him

and everybody give
a cheer if he turned

up dead, so just do it.

You know, if you don't, one
day he's going to do it to

the both of us and that's
a God fearing fact.

Yeah, I know, I
know it's, holy shit.

What the hell?

You must've took a wrong turn.

Honey, there ain't no
turns off this highway.

Would you look at this?

Some sort of fence or something.

Somebody dragged this across
the road, that's what it is.

That's goddamn stupid of them.

Oh, this is some kind
of weird bullshit.

That's the road to
the Stackpool place,

I'm gonna go check it out.

You wait in the car?

Lance, you be careful now.

Careful is my credo,
wait in the car.

Lorretta, we got to go.

Go and leave that
there like that, honey?

Somebody might get an accident.

I think somebody
already has candy lips.

What was it, Lance?

What did you see back there?

I saw the light,
honey, I saw the light.

What the heck?

Don't
worry, young man.

What?

I've
done this before.

What?

Many times, Otis.

Wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait, no.

Snow, snow, snow,

snow, snow, snow,

snow.

Where in the same
hill have you been?

I ain't seen you since
the day before yesterday.

Not to worry, Susie, my dear.

Oh, wearin' my backside, me

and Rey had been running
this place alone.

Shoot Lance, I thought
somebody was sprinkling lime

on what was left of you.

Well, I just had a little
business to attend to out

of town, a very
important business.

It's going to make
all the difference.

Everything is
going to be peaches

and cream from here on out.

Perfect timing, see, that's
exactly what I was looking for.

Lance, don't you
mess with them Stackpools.

Mess with them?

I ain't go mess
with them, honey.

It's business.

Well, hey there Wheeler,
Otis, and Ernestina.

Look, I was
wondering if I could,

I was wondering if I could
talk to you for just a second,

so hold on right there.

All right, that's fine,
you want to act like

a bunch of retards, go
ahead but I know what

you're up to, did you hear me?

I know about that
flytrap you guys set

up across the road and, oh,
Otis, man, I know what you did

to that truck hunkalove.

Now unless you want me to go
to the law with this, I suggest

you talk to me
'cause, well, you go

and talk to me sooner or later.

All right, you want to
play rough the way you do

with hunkalove.

Well, I wouldn't do that if I
was you unless you want to go

to jail, you move it, get off.

All right now, one
of you going to have

to talk to me sooner or
later, book on that, freaks.

Ah, oh, shit, watch
the PJs, big gorilla.

You come now.

All right, that's
what I had in mind,

just let me get some shoes.

All right, all right.

If you fight,
Otis hits you, you yell,

Otis hits you.

I think I got the
game plan here, Otis.

All right, all right!

Well, we're all
here, nice and cozy.

Holy shit, them some
big eyes, brother.

You've met my
brothers and my sister,

Mr. Bogen I don't
believe we've ever met.

Well, I kind of figured
I'd remembered if we had.

No doubt.

My name is Myron Stackpool.

I'm the part of the expression,
the head of the family.

As you have perhaps noted,

we Stackpools all have
our peculiarities.

We're quadruplets, you know,
all born from the same egg.

Theoretically, we should
be identical but well,

strange things do happen.

No, shit.

Do you know what you're
looking at Mr. Bogen?

Escapees from a freak show?

You're looking at a unique
biological phenomenon,

forged and medically linked
beings each endowed with a share

of normal abilities enhanced

to almost supernatural
proportions.

Otis, many times stronger
than any normal man,

Wheeler with eyes sharper than
an eagle's, ears like a fox,

nose like a hound dog.

Ernestina, well, I
hardly need tell you

about her special
powers, as for me, well...

Yes, so you're the smart one.

Yes, I should say so.

I'm the brains of the
family, we're linked,

you know, telepathically.

I can't leave this chair but
I can see through Wheeler's

eyes and force my
will with Otis' hands

and well, I need
not tell you about

my uses for Ernestina.

One brain controlling
four bodies.

Well, then Myron, I guess
you are the one I need

to be talking to.

By all means, talk.

Now, let's just
say for conversation

that somebody happened
to see a strange old road

block a couple of nights ago
and this fellow here happened

to see Otis here
dragging some poor fellow

out of his pick-up
truck bringing him

into this house while
Ernestina there she drove

that truck around back.

You still got some pretty
deep swamp land back there,

don't you?

Indeed we do.

Nice place to hide a
vehicle, or vehicles.

Now, for conversation,
let's just say

that this fellow happened
to see the license plate of

that truck, a license
plate that read, hunkalove?

Such a fellow might be
inclined to go to the police.

He might, he may and
then again, he may not.

You see this fellow, he's
got himself a whole world

of problems, one major
problem, one big dumb biker

of a problem named Howard
Oats, you know him?

He's the boy that
drives the Harley.

Yeah, that's the one.

Man, far as I'm
concerned, he can drive

that Harley right off the edge

of the earth wouldn't
trouble me none.

Well, why should
we help this fellow

when after all we have him?

Now Myron, it's awful silly
for a big old brain like you

to play stupid, it's
not too convincing.

Now, suppose this fellow,
now, well, he ain't as smart

as some but he is
smart enough to say,

write down everything he
saw that night and put

it in a letter and
then he drive somewhere

and he finds himself a phonebook

and he gets himself a
lawyer, random like.

And he gives that letter to
the lawyer and he says, "Now,

"I'm going to call you ever
so often on a schedule lock

"and I'm going to stop
by all by myself and if

"and I don't call or if
I don't stop by or well,

"if I turn up dead or missing,

"why, you just shoot
that letter on over

"to the state's
attorney's office,

"let him get to work on it."

Would you like to know what
happened to that gentleman

with the amusing license plate?

No.

There's an
intercom over there.

Go on over and press the third
button, it will connect you

to our surgical annex.

Over here?

Who is down there?

Don't tell me, I've
piqued your curiosity?

Not surprisingly, Mr. Bogen.

I have an abiding interest
in the human brain

and the relationship of
the brain to the body.

Do you know that
some people are born,

live their whole
normal lives and die

with only half a brain?

Hell, I met more
than my share of them.

I want a human body, a
normal human body but one

that can encompass my
superior intelligence.

I detest having to live a
life through proxy, through

the limbs and senses
of these creatures.

And so I experiment.

If half a brain can do
the work of a whole one,

perhaps a whole human brain can
hold an intellect equivalent

to my own.

So more power to you.

And you weren't
at all concerned

about my subjects
down in the basement?

Is there anything
I can do for them?

Nothing comes to mind.

I keep them alive for
future experiments

and for their occasional
entertainment value.

Yeah, well, they got their
problems and I got mine

and you got yours
and right now, Myron,

I'm the problem you
got to worry about.

Like you say you're
a very clever fellow.

You want me to stay
quiet like see,

'cause I got a feeling, you
got a whole fleet of cars

in that swamp back there.

You don't want
guys who have guns

and badges snooping
around this house.

No, you wanna keep doing
whatever it is you're doing.

And Myron, you made them
folks downstairs go away.

And I want you to
do the same thing

for Howard Oats, you
make him go away.

Otherwise, you're
gonna find yourself

in a whole world of hurt.

Now, do we have a deal?

Talk dirty to me,
honey, talk dirty.

Ain't no time to talk dirty.

Now listen up, tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night.

Howard's
going to be out of town.

Out of town.

You get yourself an alibi.

A what?

An alibi, you know,
go see a friend, go to

a beauty parlor,
whatever you got to do

to have people see you.

Now, you got that?

Oh, an alibi?

You do as I say now.

Oh, you going to do
it, you going to do it.

I'm going to do it now and ain't

nobody going to
point finger at us.

He's going to be dead?

He is going to be
dead, deader than dead,

deader than a dog
in a garbage dump.

Oh yes, you're my
knight in shining armor.

Well, well,

fancy meeting you here, cupcake.

Oh now, don't be shy.

Come on, give old Howard
a little kiss now.

Shop and Stop,
Lance Bogen here.

Done, Mr. Bogen.

Been a pleasure doing
business with you.

Oh, Lance it's me.

Holy shit, Lorretta,
what are you doing here?

Did you
do it, is he gone?

Oh, Lorretta you got
to stick with the plan.

Howard turns up missing,

you don't want
people hooking us up.

Then you did it,
you really did it?

It's done, baby.

You won't be seeing
Howard no more.

Tell me, tell me,
how'd you do it?

Had it done, angel cake,
man has got his act together,

he don't do it, he has it done.

You hired a hitman?

No, had something
a whole lot better.

Well, I'd say for two.

Who?

Honey, I got the
Stackpools working for me.

Go on.

Yeah, I got me a little
look at something real sweet.

You know that night
we saw that roadblock?

Well, that little luck
and some sharp thinking

by yours truly is all it took.

So you got something
on the Stackpools?

Oh yeah, I got
'em by the short.

I got 'em by the short
whatever the hell they got.

And they took care of Howard?

Yeah, just like that.

I said, "You take care of
Howard Oats," and they did it

and that ain't all, that's
just the first installment.

What do you mean?

Oh honey, them Stackpools is
loaded with the green stuff.

I checked it out.

They got all them real goods,
they got like oil and gas,

coal, you know, all that
flammable shit, real money.

Oh and you go and get it?

Uh-huh honey lips, we're going

to get it if you play it smart.

That means you can't be
hanging around here, see?

You can't be acting

like Howard's dead before
somebody even tells you

that he's missing.

No, you got to play cool, baby.

Oh Lance, I'm too hot to
play it cool, you gotta do me,

baby, fuck your little Scarlet.

All right, take
your panties off.

And Howard's gone for
good, what'd they do to him?

Did they make him suffer?

Oh, I'm sure they
will, I'm sure they will.

One.

Two, two, two.

Sure didn't think
I'd hand that letter

over to you, did you, Myron?

Hardly.

Hardly is right, why I do

that, you'd kill me
deader than stale cheese.

We both know that.

Now I know what's floating
around that big old head

of yours, whatever
I do or don't do,

I'm a permanent
burr up your butt.

I see I can't keep any
secrets from you, Mr. Bogen.

Well, it ain't no secret,
man, it's just common sense.

So, let you do what you do,
just letting you stay around

and keeping my mouth shut,
that's a prize to me, a risk.

I figure, man takes a risk but
he ought to get paid for it,

seems reasonable to me.

But I'm sure you also realize
that it's a calculated risk.

You press too hard and you
make it worth it for me

to employ desperate measures.

What, you mean like dragging
me down in that basement

playroom of yours and
snipping off pieces

of me till I tell
you who my lawyer is?

Maybe, make me call up my
lawyer, have him deliver

that letter in person.

Now well, I wouldn't do
that if I was you, Myron.

I see, you've
thought it all out.

Hm-hmm, see if old Wheeler
here, his nose is as good

as you say it is why he
probably sniff these on me

when I first came in.

So I outmatch these against
Otis' muscles any day

of the week or against your
big old brain for that matter.

Now, ain't going to be no
torturing tonight, Myron.

Pity and what exactly is it

that you would expect
from me, Mr. Bogen?

Call me Lance, Myron,
not to worry now.

I thought this whole thing out.

Now, I'm not gonna
bleed you dry.

No Mom always said only a dumbass
slaughters the milking cow

and I'm not going to slaughter
you, no, I'm just gonna

scoop off a little cream.

Say about 2,000 a week.

Oh, now, don't got acting like
that's some hardship, Myron.

I know you got cabbage to spare.

Go on over to the
right dresser drawer.

Myron, Otis,
Wheeler, Ernestina,

it's been a pleasure doing
business with you all.

See you next week for
another payment and don't get

up Myron, I'll show myself out.

Wheeler,

you follow that greasy,
white trash hookster.

We'll watch, listen to him,
smell him and when he sleeps,

we'll catch him all right,
we'll catch the little fox

and I'll cut that grin
right off his face.

Go.

So Lorretta, any
word from Howard?

Oh, no, and it's
been almost a week.

A week, oh, that's terrible.

Feels almost like forever.

Did you call the police?

Of course, I did, just
like you, I mean, of course,

I did but it's like he just
fell off the face of the earth.

Fancy that, with him
being so big and all.

Well he did have a way of
creating bad feelings in people.

What'd the police say?

What did they say?

Well, I didn't
get the impression

that locating Howard was likely

to be a high priority
for the boys in blue.

Let me see if I can recall
the sergeant's exact words.

He was like, "If y'all
want to find that no-good,

"trouble-making, redneck
husband of yours,

"you best buy
yourself a shovel."

Well, that was damn
insensitive of them.

I should say so.

I imagine you've, well,
you've about giving up hope

of ever seeing
your husband again.

Well, foul play the
permanent bride, it does seem

to be the generally
held opinion.

Of course our
marriage was troubled.

I hadn't realize that.

Yes, of course.

Well, we didn't talk about
it much but with what

with him being a gangster
and drug seller and murderer

and all, well, it didn't make
normal life a bit difficult.

I expect it would.

Still, I suppose it does get
a bit lonely without him.

Lonely, yes, more than
you could ever imagine.

Well, Lorretta,
I hope you don't take this

the wrong way but, well,
if you're still lonely,

I'd be happy to, I don't know,
how about dinner and a movie.

How about dinner
and let's skip the movie.

How about
we skip dinner, too.

You know
you fill me up better

than any old stake and potatoes.

Yeah, sweet cake, you're
the only hot fudge sundae

I want to dip my spoon into.

That damn thing is still
fucking down in there.

I'm trying.

Here we go right
there,.

Oh, honey bunny, I like that.

Oh yeah you better get used
to it sweetie because there's

going to be a lot more of that
where that come from courtesy

of Mr. Big Brains Stackpool.

Esquire.

What's an esquire honey?

An esquire is
somebody who gives you

a shit car full of money.

Oh I'm real
sorry about that.

Keep on talking, you
little country con man.

Every stupid words are
deposited in the pain bank.

You just wait, pretty soon
you'll be making a withdrawal.

You and that powder
puff whore of yours.

Susie, how would you
like to run this place?

Oh, you mean
more than I do now?

I know, I know, I
ain't exactly been

around to much lately but I
got bigger things in the works.

Hmm-mmm.

Now, why you always got
to be such a sour puss.

I'm trying to make you an offer.

You take over the Shop and
Stop, you can hire whoever you

want and I'll give you a 50%
share because I'm a nice guy.

I'll be like one of
them whatchamacallits,

a silent partner.

Silent.

Oh, now that'll be the day,

Susie, the scales have
been lifted from my eyes.

I've seen a bigger better world,
a world beyond deep fryers

and canned goods and I can
reach out there and grab it.

That is if I play
my cards right.

Lance, you try walking
around in the Big Ben shoes,

you are just going to
fall flat on your face.

I am fitting
in those shoes, and as

a matter of fact, they're
getting too tight.

Yeah, well, everything that's
been going on around here,

I feel I get a bit tight myself.

You hush now.

You think about my offer.

Clean this stuff up, I got to
make an important phone call.

Hello?

Arthur Raskow, please.

This is his client, Lance Bogen.

One
moment, Mr. Bogen.

Arthur Raskow here.

Mr. Raskow this is Lance
Bogen calling in on schedule.

Yes, Mr.
Bogen, can you please tell me

the name of your mama's dog
when you were a young man.

My mama's dog is
Elvis P. Resley.

Elvis P.
Resley, that's correct.

Thank you very much, Mr. Bogen.

And thank you, Mr. Raskow.

Elvis P. Resley.

Two tickets to
Raleigh, round trip.

That'll be 88.60.

Pretty girl.

Well, I'm sorry but Mr.
Raskow doesn't see anybody

without an appointment and
he doesn't see just anybody.

Just what the
hell are you doing,

breaking into my
office like this.

Angelique.

Arthur Raskow?

Yeah, that's correct.

Mr. Bogen's letter, get it.

Hey... I don't know
what you're talking, hey!

Last warning, Mr.
Bogen's letter, get it.

Okay, the safe.

It's in the safe, I'll get
it, I'll get it, I'll get it.

Okay, all right.

There, you have
it, you have that.

I don't even know what's in it.

Holy shit, what are you?

Copies.

That's it, there ain't none.

Oh, God, oh,
please, please, God.

I swear, please, please,
there ain't no copies.

I ain't got no,
oh, please, please.

That's three, copies.

How can I make you believe me?

Lance baby?

Yeah, honey.

I got to be, I
got to be honest.

Sure, honey.

I'm getting, I'm
getting a bit frustrated.

Well, Scarlet, I'm
doing the best that I can.

Not about that, I
mean about doing it

down here at the cream corn.

I mean what's the, what's
the point of murdering your

husband if you
can't fuck in a bed?

Do you hear what I'm saying?

Oh yeah I hear you and
I've been thinking about us.

Thinking?

Yeah, honey, about us.

What's that mean?

Huh?

What's that mean?

You've been thinking about us?

What's there to think about?

Hell Scarlet, you do
have a suspicious mind.

Come on, come on, we're
losing the rhythm here.

Fine, fine.

Like I said,
I've been thinking.

Yeah, you
go ahead and tell me.

About you and me and...

Yeah?

And we'll, where
we're going from here.

And where do you
figure this going to be.

Again, I got to tell you true.

God knows we wouldn't
want no dishonesty.

Come on now cut that out now.

Cut that out.

And just what is
it that I'm cutting?

I'm trying to tell you true.

You are the only
honey bear for me.

That's right and make all
them other girls like on TV

and stuff look like
bunch of ugly, old sound.

Oh Lance, you mean it.

Sure as shit baby.

From now on, it's Lance and
Lorretta till death do us part.

Oh, Lance.

Yeah baby.

I want to you to be
Mrs. Lance Bogen.

That is if you'll have me.

Oh, Lance, I'll have you.

I'll hold you, I'll do you!

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Oh let me see it,
let me see it honey.

Huh?

The ring, the ring, the
ring, show me the ring.

Oh, yeah, I don't
actually have...

You didn't get a ring?

Yeah, huh.

Oh, shit Lance,
you surely do know

how to de-romanticize a thing.

Oh, now Scarlet.

Don't be like that now.

I thought about it, you
know, and well, I didn't want

to buy you some ring, you
know, that you wouldn't

like then you'd be stuck with
it the rest of your life.

Now, see this way I thought
that we go together, you know,

pick out something you like.

Well, geez Louise Lance that
sure was practical of you.

Oh no, come on honey,
don't be like this.

You see that right there, huh?

You see that?

Go ahead, you hit me right
there, just go ahead, come on.

Hit me right there.

Oh, oh God,

all right, you feel better?

Yeah.

I'm forgiven?

Oh honey, you
could.

Lance, Lance.

Yes, Suz?

You're
wanted on the phone.

And I'll be there in a sec.

All play and no work makes
Lance Bogen a poor boy,

and I got a deal to support my
Scarlet in a way that she is

yet to become accustomed to.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Lance Bogen.

You'll be
receiving a delivery tonight,

be alone.

Wait, hold on.

What now, listen sweet puss,

we got to have a little
trust now, don't we?

Yeah, I just want to keep
you safe, that's all.

All right, well you just hunker
down in that bed of yours

and think about old Lance.

Tomorrow is fine honey, you
just keep yourself warm.

I gotta go.

Oh, business calls.

Well, Ernestina,
fancy seeing you here

or should I call you Myron?

Special delivery,
how decent of you.

You dropped your purse.

Oh, well...

Oh well.

Oh baby.

Oh, yeah, oh.

Yeah, yeah girl.

Oh baby whatever you
got there.

Oh, oh yeah!

Pretty girl.

Pretty girl.

What you want here?

Otis want...

Please, please don't hurt me.

Otis, Otis not
hurt pretty girl.

Otis won't hurt.

Otis will do what he's sent to
do or I'll cut that pea brain

of yours right
out of your skull.

Elvis P. Resley.

You found Raskow.

Hmm-mm.

Wheeler overhear
the phone call?

Hmm-mm, from the area outside.

Oh, he does have good ears.

So now you got the letter.

The letter is gone,
Mr. Raskow is gone.

You on the other hand,
Mr. Bogen are going to be

around for quite sometime.

I'm not normally a
vindictive person

but in your case I'm going
to make an exception,

but don't you worry, you won't
have to go through it alone.

Lance, what, oh, God.

Oh my God.

Don't you worry sugar bear,

everything's going
to be just fine.

Your bogus optimism
notwithstanding Mrs. Oats a little

worry wouldn't be
totally out of keeping

with your current situation.

Oh my God, it talks.

Oh yes, it talks and pretty
soon you're both going to find

out what else it does.

I think it would be
appropriate to start

with your little honey
cake, Lance, sweetie,

whatever else you call her.

I don't think so.

You don't.

Nah-ah Myron, you see
you made one mistake.

And what's that Mr.
Upside-Down Bogen?

The problem is you
so smart and all,

you automatically think
everybody else is a dope.

If I believe it, it's
because experience has shown it

to be true.

You underestimate
people like me.

Mr. Bogen, it is
impossible to imagine

that I could underestimate you.

See there now,
you're doing it again.

So, you got Raskow,
what do you think?

I just lay everything out
for him and not figure

that you'd find him eventually?

I have to admit it.

You're fast on your on your feet

but whatever little story
you're going to spin,

it isn't going to get you
or the pneumatic Mrs. Oats

out of this particular pickle.

Pretty girl.

Quiet!

Go on, Mr. Bogen.

Well, suppose there
was another lawyer

and he got another letter
and he was given a couple

of telephone numbers and
he was told that well,

if Arthur Raskow turns
up dead or missing, why,

you give those numbers a call.

You don't hear anything in a
couple a days then you take

that letter on over
to the state attorney.

No Myron, you and me, we're
on the dance floor for life.

Oh, come on, Myron, don't be
like that just turn me loose.

I'll forget this all happened.

Call itt a love spat.

I'm afraid I can't
do that Mr. Bogen.

This is a matter
of personal pride.

High pride carries
a high price, Myron.

You don't want to cut off
your nose to spite your face

especially with a big
old face like yours.

Nevertheless, there is
an alternative, Mr. Bogen,

not to less painful
but in fact more so.

Cast your mind back over your
amusing little monologue.

There is, I fear, a slight
problem in your full-proof plan.

I'm listening.

Oh good, for a minute there
I thought I was boring you.

And you my dear, are
you following all this?

I want to go home.

Well, we all want many things.

We're going to
see if we can find

out exactly what the
second lawyer's name is,

a sort of like a guessing
game only with torture.

Well, you got to do
what you got to do.

No, I'm going to
do what I wish to do.

You could avoid the painful
inconvenience for you

and you're little tot.

And as I said before, I
think it's only appropriate

that she go first.

What is the name of
the second lawyer?

Well, now, look who's
calling who stupid.

No matter what I say and don't
say, the way I figure it,

things going to turn out
pretty much the same way.

So, I say to you, go
fuck yourself, big brain.

Lance, please.

Sweetheart, you know
how I feel about you

but telling him ain't
gonna get us out of this.

Our only chance is if
I keep my lip buttoned.

But what about me?

I'm working on that honey.

I love you, honey.

I love
you too, angel lips.

Oh, this is truly touching.

I can see Mr. Bogen that you
clearly care about this woman.

I mean may be not as
much as Ernestina.

Oh, Mrs. Oats, I'm
sorry, you don't know

about your beau and Ernestina.

They were in a,
how shall I put it,

intimate proximity
earlier this evening.

Lance.

That was not my fault
angel, that female.

She's got some sort of
uncontrollable sexual power.

I couldn't resist myself.

Oh, tell me another.

I think we've had
enough chitchat.

Get her ready for
the performance.

Wait, wait, wait a second.

I have something to say.

I'm all ears.

I have a confession to make.

Please do so.

I've always been attracted
to really intelligent men.

Do tell.

It's true.

Lorretta.

Oh, just shut up.

Given your attraction
to Mr. Bogen,

I frankly find it a bit
difficult believing you.

Well, let's face it.

He may not be much but he is
about the best of the crop

in Knob's Hollow, that
is, except for you.

I'm flattered.

Now, don't be like
that, I'm serious.

I'm not just looking
for a physical thing,

not that I mind it but
it, it's the intellectual

and the spiritual
that attracts me.

I see and I

excite your spiritual desires?

Oh, you give me
all sorts of ideas.

Why, I can tell just
by looking at you

that you're a take-charge
kind of guy, that you're a man

that can get things done.

Lorretta, you're making
a fool out of yourself.

Just shut up.

I know it must be real lonely
being so smart and all.

I know what it's like to be
lonely, not to fit in, honest.

And do you think you
can fill my lonely house?

Oh, I know I can,
I can make you happy.

You can?

Oh, just me a chance.

What about Mr. Bogen?

He betrayed me.

That was physical.

Why Myron?

I can call Myron, can't I?

Oh, ever since the first
time I ever laid eyes on you,

I said to myself, there's
somebody's special.

He ain't a member of the herd,

he is a man that
goes his own way.

You scared me but a
real man is always scary

to a woman, it's true.

Really, well, Mrs. Oats, uh...

Call me Lorretta.

Very well, Lorretta.

Uh, I have to confess

it has been a lonely road.

I mean, I am mostly intellect

but you see I am a man

as well.

I just wanna be
close to you, honey.

No one has ever said
that to me before.

Oh.

You're not, you're not
talking advantage of me,

are you?

Oh, Lorretta
this is revolting.

Shut up.

Well, Myron honey, I'd
never take advantage.

I'm just, just, just
expressing my true feelings.

Enough,

and you have no ulterior motive?

Motive?

Oh no, no, not at all.

I just want to be yours forever.

Well, Lorretta.

You are without a doubt
extremely entertaining.

I can't exactly say what it
is that you do but I can see

that you do it very well.

Unfortunately, I'm just too busy

what, with my ongoing plans for
world domination and all to,

to take time out for romance.

No darling, I'm
afraid it'll just have

to be death by torturous plan.

Now, hold on, please,
just give me chance.

I can make you happy.

You're my dreamboat, just
let me give you a little hug.

You'll have to
excuse me, Mr. Bogen.

I have preparations to
make for the performance.

Feeling up for a little
cultural activity, Mr. Bogen?

At least I'm right side up.

All right, so what
is this place,

home movie theater or something?

No, it isn't a
home movie theater.

Once in my
great-grandfather's time,

a family would enjoy
dramatic presentations here.

Sometimes actors were brought

in for private performances
as if for royalty.

You might be interested
to know that in 1859,

John Wilkes Booth performed
Hamlet on this very stage.

Is that before or
after he shot Lincoln?

Before, you idiot.

He was shot afterward.

Oh, yeah.

I guess that make sense?

Hmm, no doubt.

Over the years, I have tried
to recapture a tiny fragment

of that long lost grace staging
my own humble theatricals

here on this stage.

Mr. Bogen, are you perhaps
familiar with Joan of Arc?

Huh?

Joan of Arc.

Does the name strike
a responsive cord?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
Ingrid Bergman, right?

She was a nurse or something.

Well, a saint or satanist,
depending on whom you believe.

I find her a fascinating
figure, a saint,

madwoman, warrior, visionary.

Oh, who you have
as the cast, Otis and Wheeler?

Oh, no, no, no.

Their brains of too deeply
submerged to be able

to decently memorize lines.

I suppose I could speak
through them myself

but as you've no doubt
seen the results are rather

limited and now I turn to
my patients for the cast.

Do you mean those guys
I heard on the intercom?

Oh, some of them are
perfectly hopeless as actors

of course, the violent ones
or the catatonic ones although

at least they can carry
spears, but you'd be amazed.

Some of their performances
with the proper rehearsal

and motivation can
be quite moving.

Of course, I have recently
suffered a significant setback.

Oh, now, I'm supposed to ask
what your setback is, right?

My lead actress, my Joan
has recently lost the power

of coherent speech.

She just says, snow
over and over again.

I have no idea why.

Maybe she used to
be a weather girl.

No, that's not it.

The point is I have no
Joan but thanks to you,

I now have a unique opportunity.

How so?

Why the delightful
Mrs. Oats, of course.

She is going to be my
Joan for a one time only,

never to be forgotten
performance featuring a

climactic, burning at the
stake that will no doubt

prove startling in its realism.

You son of a...

Tell me the name
of the second lawyer.

Go to hell.

I hope you do
realize, of course,

that the more you resist,
the happier it makes me.

You're gonna torture me
no matter what I tell you.

So you can not only go to hell,
you can go fuck yourself if

you, in fact, have a dick
to fuck yourself with.

Well, I have to admit
you talk a good game.

Now, we are going to see
what you are really made of.

Let the play begin.

Avant, attend
and hear the tale

of the gallant
maid of.

Gallant Joan chosen

by God, betrayed by man,

fly on wings imaginary

to our scene of justice

most tragic.

Witness the burning of an angel

in a market place of Rome.

Bring forth the accused,

the witch of Orleans.

Owh!

Here, you kneel, wicked girl

before the authority of man

and of God, what speak you?

Huh?

Owh!

Kindly read the
lines, Mrs. Oats.

We are striving
for some fragment

of artistic integrity here.

The lines?

Owh!

All right, all right.

Page one please.

Oh, man and God
would speak you,

what shall I say to
you who are wrapped in

the royal robes of England,
sworn enemy of France.

Speak simply girl,
thou stand not before man

but before God's
chosen officers.

Answer for the crimes of

heresy and of witchcraft.

Confess them harlot.

Yeah, owh!

What, I'm trying
to find my line.

What shall I confess, I, who has

but followed God's ordin,
ordin off, ordin in.

Owh!

Ordinances.

Ordinances.

Of what things
do you fear to tell

of your speech with Satan?

Of his tempting of the covenant

of 13 which you led against

your rightful king.

I know no rightful king,

save my own King of
France Charles Vii.

Owh, what?

I am reading it.

Its not Vii, it's V-I-I,

roman numeral seven,
Charles the Seventh.

Continue.

Lance, this is all your fault.

Owh!

Okay, okay Charles the Seventh.

And I know nothing
of,

or of intercourse with Satan.

I do as my God commands.

How do you like it so far?

The retard is doing a better
job acting than Lorretta.

Don't worry, I'm sure
she'll get into the spirit

of it as the drama unfolds.

Enough of thy blasphemies,
daughter of Satan.

By the word of
the rightful king,

I order thee bound to

the post of repentance.

No, no!

See citizens of Rouen,

behold the price of a witch,

daughter of Satan confess.

I pray thee and save thy soul.

Oh fuck off.

Owh!

Hold it steady half-brain.

Oh, noble sir, I am but
a simple country maid,

oh geez Louise.

Lance, Goddamn it, tell
him the name of the lawyer.

I'm sorry honey, that's
my only bargaining chip.

You hang in there honey lips.

Hang in there, hang in there?

I ought to kill you,
you son of a bitch.

Oh, Jimmy fucking
cricket, now what?

Lance, owh!

Country maid,
simple country maid.

My soul is God's and his angels
will welcome me to paradise.

He knows the secrets
of my heart as no man,

hold it steady, ever shall.

Though flames shall consume
me, my face shall not fail.

Though flame shall consume
me, holy shit, Lance.

Mr. Bogen, as you can see
we are rapidly approaching the

climax of our little
dramatic tableau,

tell me the name of
the second lawyer.

You ain't gonna start
no fire on that stage,

you'll burn your
whole house down.

Your concern for my residence

is touching but don't you worry.

I've taken every precaution
to fireproof the stage.

Vince will remove the
smoke, Helen's extinguishers

will remove the flames
after the play is over.

Nothing will be
permanently damaged

with the exception of Mrs. Oats.

Oh God, Lance,
he ain't kidding.

She is right, I ain't kidding.

Tell me the name of
the second lawyer.

Tell me the name of
the second lawyer!

No.

Please, Jesus,
fucking, Christ.

Proceed with the burning.

No, no, wait, wait, wait!

I still have more lines.

That alone, Mrs. Oats,

is sufficient
motivation to proceed.

Mr. Cauchon, your line please.

By the authority
of the holy church,

I condemn thee to death

by burning Joan,
maid of Orleans.

May the devil receive thy soul.

Oh God, oh God,
this is not happening.

This is just not happening!

Myron, goddamn you.

Whatever.

Pretty girl, not hurt.

Otis.

Not hurt.

Pretty girl, not hurt.

Otis.

Not hurt.

Otis.

No hurt, pretty girl.

My eyes, my eyes.

Lorretta, what going on here?

Pretty girl, no burn.

House burn!

Myron,

for shame running out
on your party like that.

You unhand me you
white trash!

Or what big brain, you
like to out-think me?

Yeah, you would, huh?

Big brain, you want
to out-think me?

Not if you've been
on a roller coaster.

Oh, oh, no.

Cause I am sure an
artistic connoisseur

such as yourself will
rather appreciate it.

Yup, thanks for a
lovely evening, Myron.

Lorretta!

Lorretta, Lorretta!

Howard?

Lance, Lance Bogen.

What the heck's
going on around here?

Beats the royal shit
out on me, Howard.

I got to go.

Yeah, okay.

See you around.

Lance, Lance.

Save me Lance.

Please, help me.

Oh, Lance is coming.

And don't be
playing hard to get.

House burn.

Wasn't that just great,
isn't that perfect.

No Howard, and now, no Lance.

Not that I would
have taken him back.

Of course, he did have
ambition, I'll give him that.

Now, what's a girl to do?

Pretty girl.

Yeah, well.

Thanks for everything, Otis.

I'll be seeing you around.

Otis, pretty girl.

Yeah, yeah, you
Tarzan, me, Jane.

I'm sure we'd just
make a swell couple.

You, Otis Stackpool, me,

Lorretta Stackpool,
you only survivor

in Stackpool heir,

me, controls Stackpool money.

Pretty Lorretta.

Otis, there comes a time
in a girl's life for romance

and a time for practicality.

Do you understand
what I'm saying?

Uh...

Oh, that's okay honey.

Don't you worry none, your
little sweetie Lorretta is going

to take care of everything.

Do you, Lorretta
Koslowsky Oats

take this man

to be your lawfully
wedded husband?

I do.

And do you,

Otis Stackpool, take this woman

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Otis, say I do.

I, oh...

Yes, well, I uh,

I now pronounce
you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Oh, we'll skip that
part, thanks anyway.

There now Otis, we're married.

Married?

That's right.

It's going to be
you and me together.

And I'm going to take
good care of you.

I'm going to be real sweet.

Sweet.

That's right.

So you see it all
worked out in the end.

Don't you just love
a happy ending?