All language subtitles for Gilmore Girls.S07E11.Santa`s Secret Stuff.720p.H265-Zero00

Previously on
"Gilmore Girls"...

- Hey.
- Look, it's Liz's new baby.

I've decided that April and I
are gonna move to New Mexico.

Really?

They've known each other
since freshman year.

I don't understand. You guys are
friends? You know each other?

She's my kid, all right?
She's our kid.

She's not just yours.

What is your problem
with a wedding?

- We're already married.
- So what's the big deal?

You planned a whole huge
wedding with that diner guy.

"That diner guy"?

The court only cares
what's best for April.

In these types of cases,

they almost always
side with the mother.

- She doesn't want to see you right now.
- Let me explain. Please.

The redcoats are coming!
The redcoats are coming!

The redcoats are coming!

Whoa, whoa.
Hold on there, missy.

Got to put on your
jacket first, okay?

- Hi!
- Hi!

- I'm so mad at you!
- What kind of greeting is that?

What kind of daughter doesn't let her
mother pick her up at the airport?

The kind of daughter who parks
her car at the airport car park.

But I'm the kind of mother who picks
her daughter up from the airport.

You know, with flowers and coffee
and a fake chauffeur's sign.

Why would you mess
with my sense of self?

But my car was parked at
the airport car park.

So what? I could have driven to the
airport, picked you up, brought you back.

Then we both could have driven to
pick up your car and come back here.

Yeah, 'cause that wouldn't be
a waste of gas or anything.

Oh. Oh, God.
Did you pack Big Ben?

I still think it
was kind of risky.

What's risky?

You've spent a lot of
time across the pond.

You might get confused and forget
which side of the road to drive on.

Yes, it was a near escape.

Hey! Welcome home!

The redcoat is here!

Hi, dad!

- How are you doing?
- Good.

Oh. Well, all right.

- So, you made it here okay?
- Yeah.

I was thinking --
all that time in England,

you might forget which side
of the road to drive on.

Hey, don't steal my material.

What do you mean,
your material?

I just made that joke.

The drive-on-the-other-side-
of-the-road thing? That's my joke.

If you just made it,
you ripped me off.

- I ripped you off?
- Guys.

That's like saying Lenny
Bruce rips off Carrot Top

or Woody Allen gets his material
from what's his name --

the guy with the watermelons.

I did not rip you off --
no way, no how, sister.

I made that joke this morning at
breakfast. We were sitting there.

- We were drinking coffee.
- Guys...

not that that's not
a hilarious joke,

but the guy at the car
park made the same one.

Hey, G.G., would you want
to take this inside for me?

Come on, Geege.

- Ohh!
- What?

You took the
Christmas lights down.

I didn't take them down.
I haven't put them up yet.

I saved Christmas for you.

Before you left, we said we were
gonna wait and do Christmas together.

Okay, yeah, but --

What are those?

What are what?

Are those a Christmas
present from Logan?

No, I mean -- well, yeah,

but it's more like a late
birthday/new year's present.

Stop sniffing me.

I smell Christmas cookies.

There's no way you can smell
cookies from six days ago.

So there were
Christmas cookies.

There may have been
a little Christmas.

Unbelievable!

London, as a city,
is very Christmas-obsessed, okay?

I couldn't help what
was going on around me.

But inside, I assure you,

I was devoid of the Christmas spirit --
a complete scrooge.

I didn't let any
Christmas happen.

I grinched it up so hard,
I didn't let it snow.

What? It hasn't snowed yet?

Thanks to me thinking of you and
our agreement, our pledge, our oath.

You stopped the snow?

Yes, sheer force of will.

We said we would have no Christmas,
so I had no Christmas.

You must have had
a little Christmas.

None.

- No presents?
- No presents.

- No tree?
- No tree.

- No eggnog?
- No egg, no nog.

I sat in the dark with the
lights off and ate gruel.

Okay, mom, I hereby apologize

for any accidental Christmas
celebrating I may have done.

I'm now ready to celebrate
Christmas for real.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Okay!

So, you stopped the snow?

Yeah. I did an anti-snow dance.

It was humiliating and arduous,
but I had made a promise to my daughter.

- Humiliating?
- Two words -- coconut bra.

- Where am I taking this?
- Living room.

- I love our trees!
- Me too!

- You don't think our trees are...
- What?

- Maybe a little homely?
- Homely?!

- I'm just saying.
- What?

What are you saying?

That our trees are not classically
good-looking. If you were to look up "tree"

in the dictionary,
you would not find one of these fellas.

Why would you look up
"tree" in the dictionary?

So we don't have classically
good-looking trees.

You don't know what a tree is?

- Come on, look at that tree.
- I'm looking.

- That tree has character.
- It does.

That tree has earned
character by persevering

through freezing winters
and forest fires and floods.

This tree's a fighter.

Woodpeckers. Maniacal woodpeckers
just pecking at its trunk.

Survivor.

Peck, peck, peck,
day in and day out.

That tree's a champion.

It smells so good in
here with all our trees.

It's like a dozen
car air fresheners.

Just imagine how good it's gonna be
once all of our trees are in here.

This is crazy!

- Seven trees.
- Which was crazy.

What? Buck a tree.

Dad, we have to have at least
one tree in the kitchen.

Yeah, dad.

I'm in a forest of crazy.

- Buck a tree.
- Genius.

So genius. We better be careful,
or word will get out

and everyone will start celebrating
Christmas after Christmas,

which will really drive up the
post-Christmas Christmas-tree prices.

Then we'll have to keep
celebrating later and later.

Yeah, before we know it,
we'll be having figgy pudding in july.

Look! G.G.!

You know who made this? Rory.

Rory made this when she
was right about your age.

That's nice.

Someone's not impressed.

She doesn't understand
abstract art.

Philistine.

Hey, look at this.
Here's Santa's costume.

Wow. That's seen better days.

Why do you have
Santa's clothes?

Because... I...
used to do Santa's dry cleaning.

- You did?
- Yeah.

- Wow.
- I know.

Okay, everybody can relax.

There's now a Christmas
tree in the kitchen.

Thank you.

Oh! My antlers!
I love my antlers!

Oh, neat!

Let me try!

On Vixen! On Blinxen !

Kid took my antlers. She took my
antlers and she galloped away.

All right,
now tell me more about London.

Did everything work out
with Logan after the whole

Marty/Lucy/dinner debacle?

Well, I was pretty
angry for a while,

especially after he blurted out
all that stuff the way he did,

but he apologized a lot

and even admitted that he was a
little jealous, so I forgave him.

Well, that's good.

Yeah. Well, plus I realized
a lot of it was my fault.

You know, I was Lucy's friend.

I should have been straight
with her about knowing Marty.

I just can't believe I got suckered
into that whole thing for so long.

I don't blame her
for hating me.

So have you talked to her now?

I've left messages.

Oh, hon.

Wow! Look at all this!

Yeah, we have a lot
of Christmas stuff.

Cool. Mistletoe.

Where are you going with that?

I'm gonna hang it
up in the doorway.

Oh, that's not where it goes.

Where does it go?

We tape it to one of the blades
of the ceiling fan upstairs.

That way,
the kissing is more like a sport.

One of our traditions.

That's a tradition?

Our traditions are
very important to us.

What other traditions
am I in for?

On Christmas morning, we put red
and green M&M's in our cereal.

Down with that.

We string up our
stockings on the banister.

Yes, we used to string them up on the
traditional place of the fireplace,

but then there was that fire incident,
and they nearly burned to bits.

So now we put them on little
nails on the banister.

Oh, we always go to Weston's for a
cup of holiday candy-cane coffee,

which is so delicious.

Delicious. And we bake cookies.

You bake?

Well, we put on some Christmas music,
drink eggnog,

and pretend to bake the cookies
we actually bought from Weston's.

We do, however,
make our own frosting.

We use a handheld electric
mixer from the dark ages

so that Rory can continue the
tradition of licking the beaters.

Yes, a skill which I have
perfected over the years.

And then on Christmas Eve, we leave
the cookies out for Santa's reindeer.

Santa prefers gum.

Well, I am very excited
about these traditions,

but, you know, because it's our
first Christmas together as a family,

I thought maybe it was time
to start some new traditions.

Like what?

Well, for starters...

I got us these.

Wow.

Oh, they're so big and flashy.

I got one for each of us.

But we have stockings already.

I mean,
they're a little singed from the fire,

but they're still usable.

But not stockings like these.

That's true.

All right, this will be a new tradition.
I'm gonna hang them up.

You know what else we should do?
We should go caroling.

- No.
- Are you kidding?

Come on, it'll be fun.

It wouldn't be fun for
strangers to hear us sing.

- It'd be cruel, that's what it would be.
- And embarrassing.

Guys, carols are beautiful.

♪ Glo-o-o-o-o-o ♪

♪ o-o-o-o-o ♪

♪ o-o-o-o-oria ♪

♪ In excelsis deo ♪

Yes, sir. Thank you.

Oh. You.

I thought we were
done with you.

Hi, Michel. Is Lorelai here?

Hey. Can you tell
Lorelai that...

someone is here to see her?

Well, this is awfully awkward.

We should make some
sort of conversation.

I see your sense of
style has not changed.

Nope.

I've often wondered, does someone in
your family own a flannel company?

Uh, no.

You know what?
I cannot do this.

Let us just stand here and let
the awkwardness wash over us.

Fine by me.

- Hi.
- Ahh, here she is.

It's been a delight
chatting with you.

- I'm sorry to just barge in like this.
- That's okay.

Can we talk somewhere?

Um, sure.

Anna wants to move to
New Mexico with April.

New Mexico?

Anna's mother just had major surgery,
and she's not doing so well.

And Anna wants to be near her,
which I get.

It's just I'd like to see April
on some weekends and vacations.

- Of course.
- But Anna says no.

In fact, right now,
she's not letting me see April at all,

so I have to fight for custody,

and I'm going to court.

- Wow.
- Yeah, it's the whole thing.

I got to get a lawyer and wear a tie.
It's not a whole lot of fun.

It's good you're
doing it, though.

Well, I can't not.
You know, I mean, I can't not do it.

Right.

So, anyway, um,
the court date is coming up.

And I need a
character reference.

And Liz wrote one, but my lawyer
read it, and he said it was sweet,

but it was filled with all
these weird childhood anecdotes

that I probably don't want to share
with anyone, much less a court of law.

And I need another one,
and I just don't know who to go to.

And I know it's an
awful lot to ask.

And if it's weird or whatever,
I mean, I totally understand.

Yes.

But if you could, uh...

Yes, I'll do it.

Yeah?

Okay. All right, well,
this is my lawyer's address,

and you can just mail the
letter directly to him.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

And, look, if you don't mind, if you
could do it as soon as possible...

The court date's right
around the corner.

- Definitely.
- Thanks. Thank you.

- You're welcome.
- Yeah.

Okay, well... I'll just...

- Thanks.
- Sure. I'll get right on it.

- I send it to here. Okay.
- All right.

Thanks.

Okay.

No, that should do it. Thanks.

- Ugh!
- It's hard, huh?

Yeah, the pressure is a lot,
you know?

Yeah, of course.

I mean, I just keep thinking that
whatever I write might help save

Luke's relationship with his kid,
which is huge and important,

so the pressure's really getting to me
-- that and a lack of sufficient caffeine.

Of course. Totally.
Plus, it's Luke,

and after all you've been through,
it's got to be hard.

Well, yeah.

You're having to dig up
all those feelings for him.

That can't be fun.
You must be feeling overwhelmed.

I don't think it's about
digging up my feelings for Luke.

Okay.

I think it's really about
writing an amazing letter.

I mean, the stakes
are really high for him,

and I want it to be something
amazing and powerful,

you know,
like Gettysburg address powerful

or "I have a dream" powerful.

So, I'm thinking I'll look
a couple of those up online

and just pop the name "Luke"
in there and be done with it.

Sure. I don't think
anyone will notice.

All right, back to work.

Good luck.

Is it twins?
It's got to be twins.

- Is what twins?
- Are you...

Pregnant? You
think I'm pregnant?

Oh yeah, because it's not acceptable in
this society to be a plus-sized woman

who happens to carry
her weight in her belly.

So you're not -- oh, gee.

Well, I need new glasses.
I'm sorry.

Of course I'm pregnant.
Turkey with swiss.

Hey! Hey!
What's up with this tip?

Oh, I'm... sorry.

This is 50%.
I don't need your pity tips.

Okay, I'm pregnant,
not homeless.

April! Hey!

Wow. What are you doing?

Well, I biked over because --
oh, my gosh. Lane is gigantic.

I wouldn't mention
that to Lane.

Hey, did you know the gestation
period for an elephant is 22 months?

I wouldn't mention that to Lane, either.
So what do you doing here?

Does your mother
know you're here?

She doesn't have a clue.

You see, I told her I was
gonna spend the whole day

at the Boston museum of science
with my friend Melissa and her dad.

And it's perfect because mom confirmed
things with Melissa's dad two days ago.

But, then yesterday, I told
Melissa's dad that I couldn't come

because I had gotten the curse,

which is perfect, 'cause you know how
awkward men get about menstruation.

Yeah, look, it's really great to
see you, but this isn't gonna work.

There's no way mom will
ever figure it out.

I even read all about cotton-topped
tamarin monkeys they have there

and the Van de Graaff generator, so I'll
have plenty to tell her when I get back.

I'm gonna have to
take you home.

- No!
- I'm sorry.

Dad, no. Please, no.
I've missed you so much.

I missed you, too.

I haven't seen you
in ages and ages.

Plus, if you take me home now,
mom will know that I lied,

and I'll get into
so much trouble.

- Please?
- I don't know.

Here. This is for you.

Merry belated Christmas.
Sorry it looks like this.

I couldn't exactly wrap
it in wrapping paper

without arousing
maternal suspicions,

if you know what I mean.

Thanks. I actually got
you something, too.

You did?

Yeah.

So, are you hungry or what?

Tuna-fish sandwiches?

That's what I was
thinking, too.

Come on. Let's go upstairs.

Be very careful
with your needle.

I know.

Okay, because it's really,
really pointy.

I know.

Okay, so what guidelines
did he give you?

None. No guidelines.
No guidelines whatsoever.

I'm supposed to write
a character reference,

so I thought I'd
reference his character.

Sounds like you're
on the right track.

No, I'm not,
because it turns out I can't write.

- Oh, sure, you can.
- No, I can't.

I stare at the blank page,
and I just keep staring and staring.

And eventually I have to get
up and lubricate my eyeballs.

Otherwise, they would fall
out of my head, like raisins.

Well, are you using a pen?
You can't just stare at the paper.

You have to have a writing
implement of some kind.

Look.

- Very pretty, honey.
- What a good job.

You know what I really like?
Your cranberry-to-popcorn ratio.

Rory's more of a one-to-one kind of gal,
but I'm like you.

I like a lot of cranberry,
little popcorn for flair.

- Yours is pretty, too.
- Thank you.

I have a writing implement.
The problem is

that everything I write
sounds so schmucky.

I'm sure that's not true.
We're running low on cranberries.

"Luke Danes is a highly regarded
member of this community.

Not an ill word can be
spoken of Mr. Danes."

It's like I'm some documentary
narrator from the history channel.

And you know what phrase
I keep using? "Stand-up."

"Luke Danes is a stand-up guy.

He's an upstanding
member of Stars Hollow,

a real stand-up citizen."

People are gonna think he's
turned into a comedian.

Sounds like you're
overthinking this.

Maybe if you just
put pen to paper.

I tried that. I thought, "I'll just
sit down and write whatever comes --

no judgment, no inner critic."

- Was that a bad idea.
- Really? Why?

Because my brain is a wild
jungle full of scary gibberish.

"I'm writing a letter.
I can't write a letter.

Why can't I write a letter?
I'm wearing a green dress.

I wish I was wearing my blue dress.
My blue dress is at the cleaners.

'The germans wore gray. You wore blue.'
'Casablanca' is such a good movie.

'Casablanca.' The
white house. Bush.

Why don't I drive a hybrid car?
I should drive a hybrid car.

I should really take my bicycle to work.
Bicycle. Unicycle. Unitard.

Hockey puck. Rattlesnake.
Monkey, monkey, underpants."

"Hockey puck, rattlesnake,
monkey, monkey, underpants"?

Exactly. That's
what I'm saying.

It's a big bag of
weird in there.

So, I think I need inspiration.

I need a muse.
Perhaps I need "the muse."

Maybe it would help if Sharon
Stone would appear to me

in an alarming caftan and coo
inspirational words in my ear.

Just write what you feel.
That's all writing is.

Hey, do you think there
might be some reason

why you're having
trouble with this?

I would imagine that writing
about Luke wouldn't be easy.

- I know. You should write it.
- What? No.

Yes. You are a wonderful writer.
Everything you write is so good.

Your grocery lists are
like shimmering haikus.

You write a pretty mean
grocery list yourself.

And it doesn't have to shimmer.
It just has to be authentic and real.

Oh! You know what I'm gonna do?

Write my thing for me.

No, I'm going to
write a letter to Lucy

explaining how sorry I am.
That way, she doesn't have to see me,

and she can just read it
and she'll still know.

That's great. And after you do that,
you can write my letter for me.

No. This is something you
have to write for yourself.

- What letter?
- Uh... to Santa.

Wow.

You know what my problem is?

It's the whole
writing-by-hand thing.

You know? I think what would help is if
I got my old electric typewriter out.

The soothing sound of
that irritating buzzing,

- that's what would help me.
- I'm home!

So, cranberries really stay on the
string, and popcorn falls right off.

- Hi, sweetie.
- Hey, everybody.

- Hey, dad.
- Hey, dad.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Wow. Look at those.

They're for the trees.

So, what do you
have in the bag?

No snooping.
This is Santa's secret stuff.

- Lorelai knows Santa.
- Oh, yeah?

She does Santa's dry cleaning.

Well, Lorelai is a
remarkable woman.

- The yellow squash?
- Yes, they're a delicacy.

We're going to steam them
along with the broccoli.

Is that adult broccoli?
Can you do that with baby squash?

Yes, it's very
high in oxidants.

- Welcome home, babe.
- Welcome home, Lane.

So we went to the nature mart,
and guess what we got you.

Turnip greens -- turns out they
got a sick amount of folic acid.

What else did we get?
Squash, zucchini, tofu.

Special calcium fortified tofu.

And the calcium's real important
because you're not eating

some of your previous calcium sources,
like soft cheese.

You're not eating soft cheese,
are you?

No. I'm not having
any soft cheese.

- And no sushi?
- And no duck.

We don't want the babies
to have webbed feet.

So the duck sushi I had for lunch
was probably a mistake, huh?

I'm kidding, mama.

I am beat.

Today at work,
it was absolutely ridiculous.

Every other customer was "baby" crazy!
I'm gonna tell Luke tomorrow.

- You should put your feet up.
- I'm fine.

- How are your ankles?
- They're fine.

You know what I was reading about?
Compression pantyhose.

A lot of pregnant women wear
them to help with circulation.

How are your bladder? Are the babies
putting a lot of pressure on your bladder?

What? I don't know.

How many times did
you urinate today?

Oh, my god, Zach!
I am so not answering that question!

Here are some new prenatal
vitamins we bought you.

I'm going to put them
on your bedside table.

You have to take two every
morning the moment you wake up.

Maybe I need to
make you a chart.

I don't need a chart.

I happen to know that you forgot
to take your calcium tablets

for two mornings.

That is not right, Lane.

Mama, you're counting my pills?

Yes, of course.

I'm serious about the whole
compression-pantyhose thing.

I could totally
pick you up a pair.

I mean, do I relish the prospect of being
seen skulking around the pantyhose aisle?

No. But I'm sure you
don't want varicose veins.

- I don't want pantyhose!
- Oh. Okay.

I have decided I will make a chart.
I need a piece of paper,

a ruler,
and some magic markers.

I'm serious, mama.
I don't need --

- What is that?
- Oh, it's the crib we ordered.

Isn't it cool?
It'll be big enough for both of them.

Where are my drums?

They're good, they're safe.
We put them in the closet.

The closet?
You put my drum kit in the closet?

Yeah, we needed the space, and, Lane,
we haven't had band practice for months.

We need to have band practice!

Sure. And we will.

Now.

Well, if you want,
we can call Gil and Brian,

but I mean, can you even play?

What do you mean, can I play?

I mean, in your condition.

I can play.

Okay.

Cool.

I melted three entire candy canes into
this not-very-large cup of coffee,

- and still I can barely taste it.
- I know.

It's just the vaguest
whisper of peppermint.

Peppermint.

I swear, I could get the same
effect if I put vaporub on my chest

and drank coffee
at the same time.

Peppermint.

I mean, how arbitrary is it to decide
to stop serving candy-cane coffee

the day after Christmas?

Christmas spirit is not
something that can be turned off

like a faucet on december 26th.

Yeah, it stinks.

On the plus side, any chest congestion
I had is now totally cleared up.

Well, that's good.

Well, let's
go Christmas-shopping.

- Write your letter.
- I can't. I need a treat.

This was your treat. Coming to Weston's
was supposed to buck up your spirits.

and inspire your writing.

No, candy-cane coffee was
supposed to be my treat.

This coffee is no treat.

Let's face it --
this is un-candy-cane-coffee coffee,

and it's totally
un-bucking up my spirits.

So it's decided --
let's go shopping.

Write.

Rory, I can't.

Ooh. I have an idea. Excuse me.

Hi. Merry Christmas.

Christmas is over.

Okay. Sue -- pretty name.

I have a hunch that there's some of
the secret candy-cane-coffee mix

just sitting in the back there,

and I wonder if I could
make it worth your while

if you and I could come to
some sort of arrangement.

Like I said before, we stop selling
candy-cane coffee when Christmas is over.

Right. I'm not talking
about selling it.

I'm talking about maybe if you
misplaced a canister or two.

- Misplaced?
- Misplaced.

- Honey.
- Yes?

- Christmas is over.
- Okay.

- Are we gonna talk about this?
- About what?

- Why are you lying to dad?
- I'm not lying.

He walked into the kitchen earlier,
and you all of a sudden

started prattling on about
popcorn and cranberries.

I wasn't prattling.
Come on, let's blow this popsicle stand.

But you're not telling him about this
character-reference thing, are you?

- I haven't yet.
- And you're not planning to.

You're intentionally not telling him.
That's kind of a lie of omission.

A Lie of Omission ? Isn't that an
Ashley Judd/Morgan Freeman movie?

Look mom, if there's anything to be
learned from this whole thing with Lucy,

it's that honesty
is the best policy.

It's an okay policy.

But how do you expect to have
any kind of relationship

if you're not honest with him?

Honey, look,
I have been around a long time, okay?

I wore leggings the last
time they were trendy.

I knew Tom Hanks when he was a bosom
buddy. I have lived, and I have learned.

I know.

And I understand that you value honesty,
and I applaud that value.

But sometimes the truth is
a little more complicated.

More complicated how?

More complicated.
We don't have to talk about this.

I know, but I want you to
tell me what's going on.

Things with dad are great.
They're better than great.

It's just that...

What?

He's been a bit on
edge about Luke.

You know, I ran into Luke
outside Doose's the other day,

and dad saw me
holding Liz's baby.

And it just wasn't great.
It wasn't great timing.

And this whole mom having the
not-a-wedding-party thing caused tension,

and we argued.

So I just want to be
sensitive and not worry him

about something he doesn't
need to worry about.

Well, that makes sense.

But everything is
gonna be fine.

Better than fine --
it's gonna be great.

Okay.

Well, you know, mom,
I've been around for a while, too.

I remember Tom Hanks from his
"Joe versus the volcano" days.

Yeah, you were like 5.

Yeah, but the point is,
I'm not a kid anymore.

You don't have to create this
whole Christmas illusion

where everything in the
world is magical and fine.

It's okay if it's not.

You still believe in Santa,
though, right?

Your best dry-cleaning client?
Of course.

A little to the right. Okay. Too far.
A little to the left. There.

- How's that?
- Good.

It really livens
up your apartment.

It's a very lively mask.
Thanks again, April.

I love it. I really do.

It's based on my real face.

Oh, yeah?

Not the outside,
but the inside.

I made it in art class, and I had
to lie still with straws up my nose

while a partner put
plaster strips on my face.

- Straws on your nose, huh?
- I suffer for my art.

Anyway, this kid Evan,
he got Liz Alderman as a partner,

who's a total wild child. And she laid
the plaster strips all willy-nilly

and ended up pulling
off half his eyebrows.

Oh, that's not good.

Actually, Liz Alderman's
on my swim team now.

Oh yeah?

She's got these really huge feet,
which coach Bennett finds promising.

- Like built-in flippers.
- Exactly.

Hopefully they kick in -- no pun intended
-- before our big swim meet in may.

- May, huh?
- May 15th.

10 different clubs are sending teams.
It's gonna be amazing.

I hear they have really great
swim teams in New Mexico.

Yeah, right.
New Mexico is a barren, dusty desert,

and they probably don't
even have water to swim in.

In hot climates,
they actually have more swimming pools.

I bet you a lot of kids there
will be really into swimming.

Then they're probably
too good for me.

I mean, the only reason I
get to do so many events

is 'cause everyone on my
team stinks worse than I do.

- April!
- It's true.

Go on.

All right, go ahead and open
up your Christmas present.

Are you trying to bribe me out of a bad
mood with the offer of material goods?

'Cause I'm amenable to that.

Wow! A rock polisher!

- Thanks so much.
- You like it?

- It's the perfect present.
- You hinted at it pretty hard,

so I figured it might
be the right thing.

It is. It is.

But, dad, I kind of already got
a rock polisher from grandma.

Oh. Well,
then it's not the perfect present.

No, it is. It is.

This one looks more powerful
than the one I already have.

Plus, I mean,
who couldn't use two rock polishers?

- Yeah?
- Sure.

You should see my rock
collection right now.

granite, of course, but also feldspar,
quartz, mica, limestone.

- Cool.
- I know.

I've been biking over to Beacon Falls and
going rock-hunting around Naugatuck River.

It's amazing.

The other day, I found an arrowhead
in almost perfect condition.

It's so sharp, I think I'd get in
trouble if I brought it to school.

You know, if you're interested
in arrowheads, New Mexico has

- some incredible places --
- Dad.

Okay. Okay.

Let's open this thing.

Hey! I'm done with the lights.

Do you want to see them now,
or you want to wait till after dark?

Uh, I will wait --
to get the full effect.

What you got there?

Uh, nothing.
Just some of Santa's secret stuff.

Oh, yeah? What did you get me?

- A Maserati.
- Oh, that's so sweet.

It's amazing how a Maserati can
fit behind the bed like that.

I haven't put it together yet,
which reminds me --

do you have any masking
tape I can borrow?

You're gonna assemble the
Maserati with masking tape?

Don't ask questions! Get out of here.
It's Santa's workshop!

Rory!

We have to go shopping,

get your dad a Maserati!

So of course I spun the record
for like a week straight,

because who wouldn't want to listen
to art brut for a week straight?

Pass me your lyrics.

Yeah. Here they are.

As far as I'm concerned, "formed a
band" could be the new national anthem.

I swear I could literally stand
and cover my heart if asked.

Brian?

Brian?

Whoa!

What's going on here, babe?
Everything okay?

Loud noises?
We're about to play rock music, Zach.

Oh, check out the mandolin.

Yeah, right.
She's a beaut, huh?

Yeah. Cool.
What kind of stuff you been working on?

Mostly I've just
been messing around.

I wrote one song that was kind
of White Stripes' "Little Ghost"

meets The Decemberists
meets Gulag Orkestar

meets, like,
"Losing my religion"

meets Jethro Burns on
that Steve Goodman album

meets "Battle of
Evermore" meets the Smiths

meets... some other stuff.

- That's lot of meeting.
- Exactly.

Whoa. Okay, this is eerie.

You see the way I'm
holding my mandolin.

It's exactly one of the
baby holds I've learned.

See how I have it in the crook of
my arm with its head supported?

That's how you're
supposed to hold a baby?

One of the ways.
Man, Lane, I wish your mom was here.

This is so totally
"rock-a-bye, baby."

Fascinating.

So wait, there are different
ways to officially hold a baby?

Yeah, sure --
you got your "hello, world,"

where you put the baby's
back to your stomach

and put your hand
under here for support.

You got your belly hold,

where you put the baby's chest
down along one of your forearms.

This is really great
for gassy babies.

Then you got your fruit basket,
which is --

Finally.

Hey, hey, hey! How we doing?

Long time no see.

- Gil, how's it hangin'?
- It's hangin' great, my friend.

So, check it out. This is the
youngest of my brood -- Macon.

Macon, this is the band.

What up?

The sitter flaked,
and I got Macon the bacon under my wing.

That's cool.

Sorry for the short notice,
but I figured you guys would be

a little more understanding being
that you're in the family way.

Speaking of which...

Whoa! Check you out, Lane.

You are some kind of
serious fertility goddess.

Thanks.

Zach, nice work, man.

So, I thought we should warm up by
practicing some of our old songs.

And then maybe Zach could show us what
he's been doing with the mandolin.

The mandolin.

Right on.

Oh, man!
You got the Alcmere 3000!

- The what?
- The breast pump.

I'm psyched you guys picked this one.
It's really gentle.

I mean,
my wife's got sensitive nipples.

This one didn't
bum her out at all.

- You use that to pump...
- Milk. Sure.

That's if you choose to go
the breast-feeding route.

You guys, I'm sure Brian
is not interested in this.

Breast-feeding, huh?

Yeah. I mean,
some people go with the formula deal,

which is cool, too.

Actually, for baby number two,
we did use formula.

Yeah?

I mean, if you use formula,
the old lady can smoke, drink,

eat as many tacos as she wants --
no problemo.

You hear that, babe?

Yeah. Tacos. Thrilling.

Why can't they make books
out of something lighter?

Lighter than paper?

I'm being punished
for being generous.

That's what you get for
having so many smart friends.

So I think we're doing well.

Yeah, I think we're done.

Oh wait, Babette.
Do we have something for Babette?

The needlepoint pillow
with the sassy saying.

Oh yeah.
Hey, you know, it's kind of impressive

when people curse
in needlepoint.

There's something
laborious about it.

And I got cologne for Michel and
the same cologne for my mother.

Weird.

Well, they'll both hate
whatever I give them,

so I figured,
why spend time picking out doomed gifts?

Then I have whatever Williams-Sonoma
sold me for Sookie --

a butter slicer,
a bread warmer/wine maker.

Well, I'm sure she'll
love her butter slicer.

If that's even what it is. I swear, they
could attach a stone to a piece of string

and call it a poultry pounder,
and I'd shell out 35 bucks.

So I guess all we need is dad.

I really want to get
him something great.

We have the sweater.

And the really heavy book.

But I want to get him something
that he'll really love.

Well, we will.
I mean, we'll find something.

We have a whole mall here full of
post-Christmas prices. We'll find something.

Guys are tricky,
but your dad's really tricky.

What does he need?
What does he want?

Perhaps a poultry pounder.

Plus, he is my husband now.

I've never bought
something for a husband.

I wish they had a special
store for husband stuff.

Hey!

What do you think?

Maybe.

I think he'd love it. Come on.

Oh, look at this one.

Doesn't work so good
inside, though.

Solar systems, 50% off!

That's not just a post-Christmas sale.
That's a post-Pluto sale.

- Poor Pluto.
- Oh, poor Pluto.

Hey, um, it's Luke.

Hi.

- I guess we should...
- Yeah.

- Oh! Hey!
- Hey.

- Hey, Rory.
- Hey, Luke. Hey, April.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Hi, April.

Hi.

April showed up at the
diner today out of the blue.

You make it sound like
Pearl Harbor or something.

No, I mean, it was a surprise --
a nice surprise.

So, how's it going?

- It's -- I'm almost done.
- Done?

You're not talking
about the letter.

You're just asking in general.

I meant, how's it going?

Good. I'm good. We're good.

Hey, I like your sweaters.
They're very festive.

Thank you.
It's Christmas for us.

Rory was in London at
the end of december,

so we waited to do
Christmas together.

Of course you did.

- Sir, do you have a return?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

So, April,
how was your Christmas?

Well, I'm 60% atheist
and 40% agnostic,

so Christmas isn't really
a big deal for me.

Oh, really? 60/40, huh?

- More of a winter solstice gal?
- Exactly.

You went to London by
yourself over Christmas?

Oh, I wasn't exactly by myself.
I met my boyfriend there.

Oh. Meeting a lover in a foreign city --
how glamorous.

I can't wait to be
grown up and glamorous

and be able to make my own
decisions about where I go and when.

Being a kid is the
pits sometimes.

It sure is.

Oh, thanks.

What'd you get?

Well, my dad got me the greatest
present ever -- a rock-polishing kit --

but I had already gotten
it from my grandma,

who's very into Christmas.

So we exchanged it
for this microscope,

which is also the
greatest present.

- Good.
- Wow. That's great.

My dad's always been
a great gift giver.

I guess I don't know if I
was always considered so good

at picking out presents,
right, Rory?

Oh, no,
you've always been great.

- Towels?
- What towels.

- You meant well.
- You gave her towels?

For my birthday.

I had them monogrammed.
I thought it was cool.

Yes, you went through quite
the monogramming phase.

I believe you received monogrammed
pencils, a monogrammed mug,

a monogrammed backpack,
and a monogrammed belt.

No one ever tried to steal that belt.
Those were my favorite towels.

I still have the washcloth.

That's hilarious.

Remember the year you got me the
unicorn marionette with the purple horn?

You didn't like the
unicorn marionette?

I've never really been
that into unicorns.

I thought you loved that.

I know,
because I was being polite.

Being polite can be dangerous.

Yes, it totally backfired,

because for the next five years,
I only got unicorn items --

unicorn sweatshirt,
unicorn pencil case,

bumper sticker --
"I brake for unicorns."

You were always so nice.
You never forgot my birthday.

And every holiday,
there was a monogrammed unicorn item.

Dad, for the record,
I'm not really into unicorns, either.

Well, I'm glad to know it.
Anyway, we should get going.

I got to get you home, kiddo.

Well, we have to buy up
all the Pluto stuff.

It's really gonna be
a collector's item.

Sure.

- Bye, you guys.
- Bye. Have a merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Honey, let me carry that.

- No, thank you.
- Lane, come on.

I'm perfectly capable of
carrying a bag of groceries.

Nutter butters? I put those
nutter butters back on the shelf.

I took them off of the shelf.

Your mom doesn't think you
should be eating many cookies.

Enough about my mom, okay?
Enough. I'm so sick of her.

She's been pretty great, Lane.
She cooks for us, cleans for us.

She's a total fount
of baby information.

You know what? Maybe you should
have married my mom, then, okay?

Well, I'm sure when
your mom was younger...

Hey, I'm just saying,
she's a handsome woman.

What? I'm just saying that
I bet when she was younger,

she used to look a
little like you --

shorter hair, no glasses,
maybe a bit more crabby. Maybe.

Well, I'm sick of her.

- That's kind of harsh.
- I am. I'm sick oh her.

I'm sick of it all. I'm sick of
being treated like I'm not a person,

like I'm some incubator whose
puffy ankles and varicose veins

and bathroom habits
are up for discussion.

On what planet is it
appropriate to ask a person

how many times a
day she urinates?

- You can ask me.
- I don't want to ask you.

Six times today so far.
I had a lot of coffee.

I'm sick of being told what
to eat and what I shouldn't

and what side I should
sleep on when I lie down.

I'm a person, Zach.
I'm an adult.

I don't want to be hiding
things under the floorboards

and behind cushions again.

Yeah, that's no good. Plus,
we're starting to get ants and mites.

I don't want
everything to change

just because we're
having these babies.

But things are going to change.
There's no getting around it.

Really, really soon,
we're gonna have two babies --

two alive human sons.

It was such a small window --

a peephole, really.

For years,
I was this repressed kid,

and then there was the
briefest of windows.

And then -- slam.

All of a sudden,
I'm this overburdened mother.

I barely got to do it, Zach.

I barely got the
chance to be a person.

No, no, you can still be a person
and still be rock 'n' roll.

Having babies doesn't mean
you can't be rock 'n' roll.

I don't know.

Give me a break. Sonic Youth has a kid,
and they're still way cool.

Yeah.

And Mick Jagger --
that cat has like 15 kids,

and he still goes
out and rocks.

Yeah, I guess.

For sure, the man rocks hard,
and then he makes another kid.

I don't want to make
any other kids ever.

All I'm saying is,
we can still go out and play.

That's one of the cool things
about having your mother around --

- built-in babysitter.
- Yeah.

I just don't think I can bear
having her around all the time.

What about weekends? What if she
hung out with us on the weekends

and spent the week
back at her pad?

Yeah, I guess that'd
be all right.

Let me carry that bag for you.

I had such a good
time with you today.

I was thinking that
tuesdays after school,

I could tell mom that
I have chess club.

And I really only have
chess club once a week,

but I could pretend
it's twice a week.

And so as soon as school's over,
I could bike halfway to Stars Hollow,

and you could meet me.
I could hide in the bushes

and do prearranged bird calls,
like a mourning dove or something --

A "coo-roo coo-roo
coo-roo" as a signal.

Yeah, I don't think so.

I don't need to do
the bird calls.

It wouldn't be right, April.
It woudn't.

We can't lie to your mother.

Your mother and I are not totally
seeing eye to eye on certain things,

and so we're sort
of in negotiations

to figure out how to share our
parenting responsibilities.

Do you have a good lawyer?

You better have a good one,
'cause mom hired a shark.

We're gonna figure that out.
Don't worry about it, okay?

But the court case is the reason
that it's really important

that we do everything
honestly and aboveboard.

Yeah. I guess that makes sense.

Okay. So...
what should we do with the microscope?

Keep it.

I'll use it the next
time I'm over -- soon.

Okay.

You can set it up if you want.

Just make sure that you
always remove the slide

before you rotate the lenses,
or you can grind things up.

And always carry it with
a hand under the base.

I'll be very careful.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Don't forget to
put your helmet on.

♪ I'll be home for Christmas ♪

♪ You can plan on me ♪

♪ Please have snow and mistletoe ♪

♪ And presents on the tree ♪

Look at this -- liquid sugar.

It's good for you, this stuff.

You think?

You like the red or the green?

Red? Red the best?
I like red, too.

Little. Little.

- That's dripping.
- That's dripping.

You're making a mess, dad.

I'm not very good
with the cookies.

And what do we say
if anyone asks?

We made cookies by scratching.

"From scratch."

From scratching.

Well, let's hope nobody asks.

Hey, G.G.,
you want to lick the beater?

- Yeah.
- Here you go.

- Hey.
- Hey.

We're making some
cookies by scratching.

That sounds appetizing. I'm gonna run
out for a sec. I'll be right back.

Okay, hurry back. "Christmas in
july" screening in 30 minutes.

Thought we'd start
a new tradition.

Sounds good.

G.G., I think we need
some of the colors.

Can you put some
sprinkles on that one?

You want to decorate that one?

♪ Please have snow ♪

♪ And mistletoe ♪

♪ And presents on the tree ♪

♪ Christmas Eve will find me ♪

Transcript : Raceman
Subtitles : Willow's Team
www.forom.com