All language subtitles for Bones S08E08 The But in the Joke

Yes.

"Frenzied,

"passion for art

"is a canker

that devours everything else."

♪ All these problems hanging
above ya ♪

♪ I'll answer,
I'm proceeding ♪

♪ To rub ya the wrong way

♪ Hate to hate to love ya

♪ Can't win a debate
with Dubya especially ♪

♪ When the company cap
is Kenny lay me ♪

♪ Sweatshops paying
pennies a day ♪

♪ 'Cause big bank
take little bank anyway ♪

♪ Spotted countries always going
to war for many days ♪

♪ Bush playin' Family Feud
with Saddam ♪

♪ Survey says,
oops, you're out of time... ♪

Whoa! Whoa!

♪ No more excuses or lies

♪ 'Cause only truth
will survive ♪

♪ In time we've borrowed
it through ♪

♪ All of tomorrow is you...

Dr. Brennan, Agent Booth,
he's coming around.

Hey, there, Michelangelo, you hear me?

You shouldn't call him that,
Booth.

If he had a head injury,
he might think that's who he is.

Something's poking in my back.

And something smells terrible.

Do you know your name?

Yes.
Okay, what is it?

I'm not saying.
Told you.

You confused him.
No, I didn't.

I'm not confused, I'm just

not telling you my name.
See, he's not confused.

Vitals are stable, no sign

of concussion, but...
Who are you?

Who are we?
FBI, that's who we are.

Since when does FBI
cover billboard vandalism?

I'd like to begin
my examination.

Ambulance guy says I'm okay.

Well, she doesn't mean you.
You're glued

to decomposed human remains.

Huh?
We're gonna flip you on the board.

Okay, let's do it.

You three grab the head.
What's on me?

You two grab the feet.

Easy on the neck, okay?

One, two,

three.

This is weird.

Easy on the shoulder.

Take it slow.

What-what's on my back?

Why is it sticking to him?

Industrial strength adhesive.

I got it.

You know what, Bones, he was...
he was standing up there,

sticking that to that.

He tripped over his bucket.

The buckets falls
and he gets stuck. Right?

There's a dead dude
stuck to my back?

Bones, why can't
we just, you know,

peel them apart?

The adhesive has had ample time
to adhere.

Pulling them apart

would rip off Michelangelo's
skin, or worse,

completely destroy the evidence.

Worse than ripping off my skin?

Well, this could certainly be
cause of death.

What?

An anomalous projectile

completed a transparietal
trajectory.

Why can't you just be simple?

Arrow through the head. Murder.

Insect and rat activity
is indicated.

We must be near
an open sewer.

Oh, come on, man!

Get it off of me!

After we get back to the lab.
Yeah, it should give you

and your new buddy
some time to bond there.

We caught a good one.

We've been over this.

There's no such thing
as a good murder.

Babe, I need your secret
stash of peanut butter.

Hodgins,
I bring in my peanut butter

for a little comfort food
every once in a while.

For comfort? Why?

I got a ticket this morning.

Speeding?

No, I turned
right on a red.

Well, that's legal.

Not at Broadway and Nash.

It's like a police trap
over there.

They just wait,
like fishermen after trout.

I think you mean like
a deer hunter at a salt lick.

Was there a sign?

There was one, but
it was really small.

Okay, well then,
you definitely have to fight it.

Why?
Because it's unfair.

Now, come on, if you can give me
the peanut butter,

then the Jeffersonian
will reimburse you.

Shouldn't I just

pay the fine
and get on with my life?

What?

Where is the spark plug
that I married?

The spark plug you married
conducted an unfettered sex life

and never lived anywhere
for more than a couple of years.

You want her back around?

There's really no way to answer
that without making you mad.

Babe,

peanut butter.

Cover your eyes.

Are we allowed to laugh?

No.
Okay.

What are we calling the
one that's still alive?

Well, Booth calls him
Michelangelo.

Michelangelo

worked on commission.

That's no kind of real artist.

Michelangelo's no
kind of real artist.

Good to know.

Why won't you tell us your name?

'Cause I don't want you
to know it.

Kind of obvious, right?

Large, rugged pelvis suggests
the victim was a Caucasian male.

I have a large, rugged pelvis?

Boo-ya!

Not you,
the murder victim.

Upper margin formation

on the pubic synthesis
indicates early 30s.

The victim's C5

and C6 vertebrae
have been fused.

Uncommon for
someone that young.

Hmm. If we find the doctor
who performed the procedure,

we can identify the victim.

How about the corpse
that's trying to sodomize me?

We have to separate Michelangelo
and the corpse.

There we go.

What about a laser?

No, no lasers.

I-I agree with the smart
and beautiful angel.

Well, the smart and beautiful
angel is gonna go find out

who fused our
victim's neck bones.

Okay, fracture lines

from the obscured region
and onto the zygomatic,

indicative of a perimortem
trauma to the facial bones.

The arrow's clearly visible

on either side
of the victim's skull,

but it didn't
actually pierce it.

Steve Martin?

Michelangelo's real name

is Steve Martin?

It's a gag.

The ends of the arrows

are connected
to a plastic headband.

Steve Martin?

No?
It's a gag.

Thus, irrelevant.

Mr. Fisher, find a way
to separate Michelangelo

and Steve Martin
without damaging the evidence.

Okay.

Everyone here is this weird
combo of smart and dumb.

Hey.

Dr. Saroyan nixed the laser.

I knew she would,
which is why I brought this.

Oh, God, what did he bring?

Peanut butter.

Peanut butter?

I'm not a piece of toast.

The oils in the peanut butter
will break down the cohesion

of the cyanoacrylates.

The glue will unstick.

This guy's gonna rub me down

with peanut butter?
Yep,

and then cut off your clothes.

Um...
How's about

she does that?

Did you do that?

No.
Oh, my God.

You're-you're Zed.

No, I'm not.

Y-You are.

You painted that.

It's you.

The artist Zed?

What's a Zed?

Zed's a legend,
mysterious street artist

that nobody's ever met.

My name is Seth Zalinsky.

Okay, well,
at least we got his

name out of him.
Come on, this mook

isn't the elusive
and brilliant Zed.

Look at him.

I know my rights.

You can't just pin me down

and slather peanut butter

all over my private self.

What if we sedate you?

Depends.

What do you got?

♪ Bones 8x08 ♪
The But in the Joke
Original Air Date on November 26, 2012

♪ Main Title Theme ♪ The Crystal Method
== sync, corrected by elderman ==

♪

My name is Denny Bennet.

I'm the manager
of Tele-Com Inc. Telemarketing.

I filed
a missing persons report

on one of my employees,
Morgan Donnelly, three days ago.

Why is he talking like that?

I don't know.

The company lawyer told me
to speak clearly,

tell the truth, and I'd have
nothing to worry about.

Right, well, you have
one hell of a lawyer.

Did you find,
uh, Morgan?

Yes, he is dead.

Donnelly's dead?
Dead, dead?

We identified him by
his neck operation.

He was murdered.

Oh, my God, that can't be.

How am I supposed
to go on?

Donnelly's my heir apparent.

I've been grooming him,
and now I've got nobody.

What do you sell at Tele-Com?
Everything.

Last few weeks,
we've been selling

a time-share in Muncie, Indiana.

Gateway to Indianapolis.

And he could sell that?

Yeah, he can...
could sell anything.

Did anyone resent Donnelly?

Enough to kill him? No.

Did he have difficulty
with anyone?

His girlfriend stormed
into the office

last Friday,
hollered at him

in front of everyone.

Claimed he was cheating on her.

Like she's one to talk.

Are you implying that she
herself was unfaithful?

Implying?
Hell, I'll say it directly.

She was a cheater.

And how do you know?

She cheated on me with Donnelly.
So, you're telling me

that he stole your girlfriend.

Wow, that really must
have pissed you off.

At first,

but that was like, a year ago.

Wait, am I a suspect?

Most definitely.

I want to talk
to the company lawyer.

In a sign of good faith,
why don't you cough up

the name and the address
of the cheater girl?

I had to pry this peanut
butter out of Angela's hands.

Apparently, she needed

the comfort of some smooth PB
this morning

after being caught making
an illegal right on red.

Ah, police trap.

Corner of Broadway and Nash.

Been there, done that.

I feel...
you know how when you wake up

on Sunday morning,

and you smell your mom
making breakfast?

Your dad's trying

to make her dance
to some ancient

Tears for Fears song
about shouting.

It's weird
when the remains talk.

This is gonna work?

Is that you,
sweet chocolate angel?

Oh, my God.

What did you give him?
Some stuff for depression,

mood swings, panic disorder...

Okay.

I don't want to know.

What I heard: cup
of chamomile tea.

We're done.

Okay.

Hey.

You good for a few moments?

I am good for eternity.

Let's go.

You here for my sponge bath?

That would be transcendent.

Admit that Seth Zalinsky
is not your only name.

Well, in high school,
they called me tripod.

Oh,

now I'm very sad.

You did this.

You're Zed.

Zed is not my nickname.

It's my alter ego.

Much bigger deal.

I'm very honored to meet you.

Really. I mean, you are

a wonderful, wonderful artist.

And you are really young,

which is so much
more impressive somehow.

I am totally babbling
because I am starstruck.

That's what it is.

You want to make out?

You know,

time was I would have
jumped you,

but I'm a married woman now,

so I'm just gonna kiss you
because of who you are.

Okay?

I felt something move.

Don't ruin my moment.

On my back.

I think the dead guy's
separating.

You know, you really
didn't have to come.

You said you wanted
me to come with you.

Where are we going?

We're gonna go talk to the
hollering, cheating girlfriend.

No, I mean, my Prius has a
voice-activated navigation system.

Oh, 709 Windsor Drive.

Enter an address.

709 Windsor Drive.

Searching.

Now you don't have
to unfold

and refold a map.

Wait a second. I like maps.
What's wrong with maps?

Well, maps cannot
tell you

the amount of traffic
you should expect

en route
to your destination.

Look at that.
See?

Now we can relax, talk
about interesting things.

This is not how the cowboys
settled this country.

The cowboys didn't
have antibiotics.

Do you also want to die
from a skinned knuckle?

Sometimes.

Cowboys didn't settle
this country.

Farmers did.

Alexa! The FBI wants
to talk to you!

You know, you
shouldn't feel bad

about living with
your sister.

The current trend of delaying
marriage, along with the economy

means that people have to adapt.

However, it does complicate
the sex life.

Tell me about it.

Hey, I'm Alexa.

Can I help you guys
with something?

Like to ask you a few questions
about Morgan Donnelly.

Here we go.
Mm-hmm.

I'm afraid he's dead.

Of course he is.

Did he get crushed by a falling
anvil or something?

No, that is not correct.

We believe you had
an altercation

with him
a few days ago.

I find their upbeat demeanor
highly suspicious.

This is a serious situation.
He may have been murdered.

Oh!
Murdered!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Okay, careful,
Mr. Fisher.

It's his hair,
that's all.

Ah!
There we go.

It is with great pleasure
that I divorce these skulls.

Massive blunt-force trauma
to the facial bones.

The victim's skull is
totally smashed in.

Did I do that
when I fell on him?

'Cause I didn't do it
on purpose.

No, the fracture lines
on the zygomatic bones

indicate the trauma
was sustained

around time of death.

Which was five days before
you fell on him.

Whoa, whoa, wait, there could be...
Whoa!

...blowflies.

That explains
the constant buzzing.

You are a very calm young man.

Pharmaceutically
enhanced calm.

Third instar larvae.

The victim die five days ago.

Five days ago was Friday.

The same day the victim's
girlfriend accused him of cheating.

God, it's so weird
when they move.

That felt good.

Almost as good as when
that Asian chick kissed me.

Wait. What?

That Asian chick kissed me.

Let's clean
Mr. Zalinsky up,

and in some
kind of clothes.

Oh, come...

I already slathered him
with peanut butter,

plied him with
pharmaceuticals,

now I got to give him
a sponge bath?

What Asian chick did you kiss?

The FBI really call in a
psychiatrist because I laughed?

Now you all think I'm
some sort of psychopath?

I'm actually a psychologist,
Ms. Eaton.

But, um, yes,
Agent Booth called me

because he was struck
by your sudden mood swing.

I'm not a psycho!

Can you tell me how

you feel about Morgan Donnelly's
death?

Um, I'm very upset! Look at me.

Can you tell me why you laughed?

Because I thought it was another
one of Morgan's practical jokes.

He was a joker?

Yes.

And I thought it was his way

of totally making up
after our fight.

What fight?

A girl walked up
and kissed him.

I figured he didn't need
to enjoy it so much.

A girl just walked up
and kissed him?

Yeah, right on the lips.
Some tongue action, too.

She recognized him.

What? I was not aware

that telemarketers
attracted that kind of notice.

Morgan was a comedian, okay?

The telemarketing gig,
it was just temporary.

Okay, that explains the fake
arrow through his head.

Morgan had an amazing
sense of humor.

Girls like that in a guy.

Yeah, I always thought that
that was... a lie.

So, was Morgan's sense of humor

the reason why
you left his boss?

Look, if you met Denny, you'd
know why I went for Morgan.

You think Denny could have
killed Morgan out of jealousy?

After a year?

Even Denny thinks
faster than that.

Okay, and when was

the last time you saw Morgan?

He came over for dinner
that same night, Friday.

And then I went to work.

I'm a bartender.
You can check that out.

Sure.

And then, when I came home,
Morgan wasn't there.

I didn't kill Morgan.

I loved him.

You know who you should be
looking for?

Whoever put that arrow gag
on his head.

That wasn't his?
No way!

He hated that shtick stuff.
His material was cerebral.

You wouldn't by
any chance

have footage
of Morgan's stand-up?

My brother, Elliot,
recorded every show.

Mr. Fisher,
if we are to determine

the murder weapon,
it is of the uttermost importance

that the remains
be clean.

Dr. Hodgins has a plan.

I don't know
if you're aware,

but I do a bit
of stand-up myself.

I imagine you are
not very skilled at it

as you are not
a humorous person.

My routine is dark, disturbing
and uncomfortable.

Just the way
a comedy show should be.

Notice the large number of chips
and fragments.

Also how the chip itself
is fragmented?

Huh. One blow created
the chip,

a second or a third
shattered it again.

The victim was struck
in the face

several times with a blunt object.

Do you find that amusing?

Amusing? No.

Darkly illuminating
in a manner which allows us

to laugh defiantly
into the yawning abyss?

That's hilarious.

I'm sorry,
I'm trying

to see the hilarity,
but all I see is a man

who was beaten in the face
until he died.

Hmm.

Sorry.

Hey, hey, did you get
anything off

the laughing girlfriend?

Oh, Alexa Eaton and
her brother laughed

because they thought you
and Dr. Brennan were a prank.

Oh, there's your motive
for murder right there:

practical jokes.

I mean, hey, everybody,
you know, they hate practical jokers.

The victim was a
stand-up comedian.

Well, that would explain,
you know,

the arrow through
the head.

Mm-hmm. The killer might have
been another stand-up.

Where would
you get that?

Well, the arrow
on the head

could have been
placed there

as a mark of derision.
You know, an insult.

Whoa, whoa. Why?
That's a funny bit.

Yeah, it's a classic.
Uh, so I went through

some of Morgan Donnelly's
stand-up routine,

came up with some interesting
clues and insights.

Arrow through the head, that's
a... that's a funny gag.

Yeah, is, was,
and always will be.

Let me know when you want
to hear the rest of my insights.

I have visual aids.
Okay, great.

I laugh out loud
all the time I see that.

The arrow through
the head.

It's funny.

Who did all
this stuff?

Uh, what are you doing here?

They told me

I could sleep on the couch.
Did you paint this?

Um...

Yes.

Yes, those are mine.

Why are you in my office?

I don't know.

I think they roofied me.

It was pretty great.

I do remember your husband was
peeved that you kissed me.

Oh, yeah. Let me worry
about Hodgins.

Middle-class, suburban hang-ups
and sexual values.

What are you,
like, 19?

Oh, so you think my idealistic
approach to art is adolescent?

But it looks to me like

you used to have some
ideals of your own.

Before you got married,
had a baby, started painting...

What the hell is that
supposed to be?

Uh...

Do you want me to
call you a cab or...

No, I can find
my own way.

I have since
I was an adolescent.

Hmm.

You're the only person
in the world

who knows my secret identity.

Okay, Batman.

I'd appreciate it
if you didn't tell anyone.

Let me guess,
you're keeping it pure, right?

You want to make it about the
art and not about the artist.

Some things are easy
to make fun of.

Doesn't mean
they're not important.

I'll make you a deal.
You keep your lips zipped,

and tonight, I'll take
care of Broadway and Nash.

Okay, your secret
is safe with me.

You have excellent...

...technique.

Know what else
is completely made up?

"General anxiety disorder."

Yeah, you know what this is?

It's called "life."

That's exactly
what you need to do;

get a life!

Sir, if I've said anything
to offend you,

please, please know
that I am delighted.

That heckler can be heard
on several of the tapes.

Every single time,
Donnelly humiliates him

in front of the crowd.

How many times you hear
the same heckler?

About a dozen, and I haven't
even been through all the tapes.

Is that normal?
One heckler,

time after time?

I asked Fisher.

Fisher the intern?

Fisher the comic?
Fisher's funny?

Not at all. He's kind of an
underground sensation, though.

It's brilliant.

Fisher said
it's not normal.

If anyone knows heckling,
it's Fisher.

Okay, how do we ID
the heckler?

Easy.

His name's Larry Baron.
He's another comic, crappy.

Him and Morgan hated each other.

Why didn't you
just tell me that?

You didn't ask.

Fine. Where can we find him?

He's the bartender
at Laughtastic's.

Laughtastic's, great.
So, why did you tape

all of Morgan Donnelly's
stand-up routines?

He was my sister's boyfriend.
He hired me.

He was my mentor, and I
fed him lots of good ideas.

He said I was his muse.

Not in a creepy sex way
or anything.

It was in a funny way.

Any way you think you could
introduce me to Fisher?

Probably not

'cause of the murder
investigation, huh?

Is it too weird?

You're gonna get dermestid
beetles in my peanut butter.

The beetles will eat

what's left of
the victim's flesh.

And for peanut butter, nothing
beats Gromphadorhina portentosa,

aka the Madagascar
hissing cockroach.

So, this victim, did
you ever hear of him?

He was a popular comic.

Sure sign you've transgressed
the unwritten rule of comedy.

I thought the only rule
in comedy was to be funny.

Tragically, you're not the only
one who thinks that way.

Well, if you ask me,

it gets no better
than the Stooges.

Unfettered psychopathic
violence!

Hilarious, right?

Not really, when you
put it that way.

Might I recommend,
next time,

watching with
the volume turned off?

The absence of
the cartoon sound effects

makes it much more violent.

Yeah, I know
Morgan Donnelly.

Uh, you going to order
a drink, or what?

Yeah, we'll have some water.

Must be tough on
a guy like you, huh?

Serving drinks,

has to watch other comedians
on stage do their thing...

Are you kidding?

That's like telling a Jew
he doesn't want to be in Mecca.

In point of fact, Mecca is
the center of the Muslim world.

It would be
completely rational

for a Jew to avoid Mecca.

Especially during hajj.

Yeah, I'm fine.

So... okay?

Morgan Donnelly's dead.

Yeah, I heard that.

It's terrible.

Is it true that
he oe told you,

in front of a crowd,

that if he wanted to hear from
an ass, he would have farted?

Yeah.

He did say that.

He got a huge laugh, too.

We have proof that
he humiliated you

at least 20 times
in front of audiences.

What?

Oh...

I get it.

No, that wasn't a joke.

I know it wasn't a joke.

I know what is a joke
and what isn't a joke.

I'm not sure you do.

Now, don't
heckle him, Bones.

He might want
to kill you next.

Oh, you got it
all wrong.

Look, me and Morgan...

it was a setup.

Setup? He wanted you
to heckle him?

Definitely!

Definitely.

All those lines
that he used on me?

You know, like the fart one?

Or he's say, um...

"There's an alcoholic who
should stay anonymous."

I wrote all those.

Why?

It was my way of,
uh, getting laughs.

it made the audience
like Morgan, you know,

so it's a... it's
a win-win situation.

Right. Well, thanks
for your cooperation.

Come on.

Booth.

Yeah?
The man in this flyer

has a fake arrow
through his head.

Oh. Yeah.

That's Rex.

And let me tell you,

now that Donnelly is gone,

he's gonna get the
Friday night slot, so...

that's got to make you
suspicious, right?

You comedians really
stick together, huh?

This could very well be
the murder weapon.

Where's Rex now?

Uh, he's warming up.

Where's your arrow
through the head?

Somebody stole it.

I never thought to report it
directly to the FBI.

Who stole it?
Could've been anyone.

That bit is classic.

I think...
I think so, too.

It is funny.

But my prime suspect:
a so-called comic,

so-called Morgan Donnelly.

Okay, why do you think
he stole it?

Guy's a natural thief--
props, jokes, women.

He steals it all.

He's dead.

Murdered.

Sorry to say,
that was bound to happen.

You really do
hate this guy, huh?

Both personally
and professionally, yes.

Whoa.

Rex's mallet tested
positive for blood.

Positive for what?

Blood.

Now, that's funny.

Yes, I kissed him.

Why?

It wasn't a you-me kind of kiss.

This was a musty
old auntie kiss.

Yeah? Well, your musty
old auntie kiss

is the best kiss
that kid ever got.

Why are you being jealous?
Because

he's... cool.

You know?

And I'm... not.

And, I don't know,
if you ever leave me,

it's gonna be for
someone who's cool.

"Cool" isn't really
a thing anymore.

Thank you for
proving my point.

You still haven't told me
why you kissed him.

Yeah, I...

I promised him I wasn't
gonna tell anybody, and...

I will tell you, though,

because you are
not just anybody.

I kissed him because

he's a great artist.

And his art is
changing the world.

He's Zed.

Well, it's hard
to argue with that.

You know what he said
about my work?

He said that I have...

"excellent technique."

Well, that's great.
No.

No, honey, it's not great.

Well, "excellent"
usually means great.

Brennan's got the murder weapon.

Okay, listen, just...

no more kissing
any artists,

or anyone else,
for that matter.

Yeah? Are we good?

Yes, honey, we are good.

You know why?

Because I have
excellent technique.

Which is not good.

Exactly.

Ready?

Just reinserting the last
few pieces of dentition.

Speaking of which,

I found some slivers
of tooth in some flesh

that might have been a part
of the victim's stomach.

Bashed in the teeth,
swallowed the fragments?

Makes sense to me.

So let's hear it.

Excuse me?

You're a comedian, right?

Can I hear one of your jokes?

Oh, I don't do jokes,
Dr. Saroyan.

I do raw, unfiltered honesty.

Let me hear some raw,
unfiltered honesty, then.

As you wish.

I am incapable of truly
loving another human being.

For that reason,
I will never sire an heir.

Okay.

Well, then.
Uh-oh.

We have a tad too much tooth.

Are you still doing
your comedy here, or...?

No. No, you literally have
too much tooth.

Hold the laughs.

This is not tooth.

I'm back to my day job now,
Dr. Saroyan.

You don't have to laugh.

- What's that?
- Visual aid.

Joke one:

"I love to brag about
how modest I am."

That's not funny.
Mm-mm.

But it is both self-centered
and self-deprecating.

Joke number two:

"I dated a 14-year-old once...

but I was 14, too,
so it wasn't a big deal."

Okay, wait,
so you're saying

that our victim
was a self-centered,

self-deprecating child abuser?
No, no, no.

I'm saying that
joke one and joke two

weren't written by
the same person.

How can you tell?

Well, the notion of
taking a subject

as disturbing as pedophilia,
turning it on its head,

to create something

as sweet and innocent
as young love

tells me that this joke was
probably written by a woman.

Hmm-mm. Mr. Cantaloupe said
our victim stole the jokes.

I agree.

Okay, how does
a comedian do that?

Fisher says that
open mike nights

are the best place to
steal fresh jokes.

Okay? Now, Laughtastic's
has an open mike night.

And Donnelly was a judge.
Great.

I'll just go there and get
the information. Thanks.

How?

How? How I usually do it.

I'll go there,
ask some questions with Bones,

and she'll be on the lookout
for somebody with a limp,

which means that they fell
in love with a 14-year-old

and we go home.

That's how.

Fisher and I
have a better idea.

Fisher again.
You go to the open mike night.

You tell some of the jokes
I've marked as stolen.

See if anyone gets mad.

Why me?
Well, because...

I have to keep an eye out

for subtle reactions
from the audience,

and Fisher's too well-known.

He and I have written

some original jokes for you.

You pepper in some of
the stolen stuff,

see if anyone
lays claim to them.

You and Fisher wrote me
a comedy routine?

Okay.

The blue jokes I wrote,
all right?

The yellow ones, stolen.

The black ones...
Fisher.

Yep. You have about

a half an hour.

What?

"Is it just me,
or are circles pointless?"

What?

Multiple radiating
fracture lines

originating on the glabella,

terminated by fracture lines
on the maxilla.

Just as we suspected,
multiple blows.

I come bearing

bad news.

The mallet was not
the murder weapon.

Why was there blood all over it?

False positive,

from the peroxidase enzyme
found in turnip juice.

I hate to think how many turnips
this man bludgeoned to death.

What about Dr. Saroyan's
fragments?

Ceramic.

Let's have Angela

recreate the fracture pattern
on the Angelatron.

Okay, I'll let her know.

Okay!

All right, uh,
let's give it up...

Are you nervous?
I've had people try to kill me, Sweets.

How could cracking jokes
make me nervous?

Just remember to look relaxed,
as though you own the stage.

Stop with the advice.

Just, please?
Okay, Fisher's here.

If it looks like
you're in trouble,

he'll heckle you.

Why are you making such
a big deal about this?

Welcome to the stage
for the first time...

Cee-Lo Booth!

Seeley, not Cee-Lo.

Hey, what do you want?
I went to public school.

So...

Good evening.

Thanks for coming out tonight.

You know who has
a lot of great ideas?

Lamps.

Ha!

I hate my father.

I mean, not for
what he's done to me,

but for what he
hasn't done to me.

Laugh. Laugh at the
emptiness of my pain.

Is it just me, or

are circles pointless?

Oh!

So far this act is pointless.

All right, pal, you want to quit
shooting your mouth off

before I shoot it off for you.

Oh, my God,
Booth is funny.

Almost funny.

I once shot an unarmed man.

I mean, sure, I shot off
both of his arms, but still.

So I was at the trial,

and the prosecutor says
to me on the stand,

"Did you kill that man?"

I said, "No."

He says, "You know what
the penalty for perjury is?"

I said, "Yeah, it's a lot less
than the penalty for murder."

Why-why am I even here?

Fine.

So, uh...

well, how about the guy
who invented tanning beds?

I mean, the nerve!

Who looks at the sun and says,

"Hey, I can do better."

I went to a cello recital
the other night.

It was... it was a solo show.

Meaning I was the only
person in the audience.

Even I don't get that one.

Nobody likes a cello.

It's just a violin
with size issues,

which is also a joke I wrote,
like the others that you stole.

FBI, you're
coming with me.

Annie Pinkus.

Right. So.

Quite a coincidence that
you work at the same place

as the murder victim.

Two comedians, working
a telemarketing day job?

Yeah. Bizarre coincidence there.

Mm.

Were you having an affair
with Morgan Donnelly?

No.

Why?

It says here Donnelly's
girlfriend comes in

ripping him a new one
about a third woman.

Maybe you didn't know about
either one of them.

Twice the jealousy,
twice the motive?

Three times.

See, he was stealing your jokes.

He deserved to die.

I was not sleeping with Morgan,

and he was not
stealing my jokes.

Well, I told a couple
of your jokes.

You accused me of stealing.

Yeah, Morgan bought my jokes.

$25 a pop plus a piece
of the back end deal

if he went on Letterman,

HBO, you know, whatever.

I could see why

you didn't want to save
those jokes for yourself.

I'm not funny.

I write funny,
but I'm not funny.

Some people are funny, like you.

Others, like me,

we do better off writing
for the funny people.

So, you expect me
to believe

that Morgan Donnelly's
death hurt your career.

Hells yeah.

He was about to move to
New York, do comedy full time.

Is this the real deal
or was this just the pipe dream?

For reals. He had bookings--

TV shows, clubs.

You can check it out.

Look, what you think is a
motive for me to murder

is actually the complete
opposite of a motive for murder.

That's irony,
and it's definitely not funny.

Capisce?

So, after pulling out the postmortem
damage that was caused

by Zalinsky's skull,

I used the intersections

of the radiating
fracture lines

to determine that
the facial trauma

was actually a result
of three separate blows.

Here are the results
of the initial blow.

It appears that the force
of this blow

and the force of the blow that
broke the victim's metacarpals

are nearly identical.

The weapon is the same one
that broke his metacarpals.

Please bring up

the results
of the second blow.

Um,

fracturing to
the dentition,

mandible, maxilla,

and zygomatic bones.

The killer either

picked up a larger weapon
to finish the job

or he swung a lighter
weapon with greater force.

Well, here are the results
of the third blow.

Okay, I-I'm sorry.

I know what this looks like
to you,

but this entire sequence here,
I-it's The Three Stooges.

It's classic comedy

in three blows.

I mean, the weapon
is gonna be a frying pan.

This strike caused fragments
of the glabella

to pierce the
victim's brain.

Death blow.

Which is not funny.
No, it's not.

Based on the amorphous
wound pattern,

the murder weapon is curved
upon its horizontal axis.

Curved, ceramic,
like a large vase?

Angie, I just sent you

the results of the core sample I
took from the shard of ceramic.

Was it a vase?

Not unless it was a
vase full of urine.

It's a toilet?
Ding-ding-ding.

And the prize goes
to the little lady

wearing the blue lab coat.

Sorry, yeah,

I-I got excited.

So, his head was smashed
into a toilet?

Classic.

The first blow occurred

when the victim had his hand
on the edge of the toilet.

His face was smashed
into his hand.

Comedian was killed
by a brutal swirly?

So, he was draped
over the toilet,

puking, when he was killed.

I'm... swirly.

So, how many toilets are
there in the Metro D.C. area?

Oh, uh, approximately
five and a half million.

How is that you know that?

There is approximately
one toilet per person

in the United States of America.

Do you want me to figure out
how much time it would take

to inspect each toilet?

No, we don't have to do that.

Why not?
Why?

I'll just get,
you know, a warrant

for all the toilets
that the victim

used regularly, and
we'll start with that.

And when I say "we,"
I mean Hodgins.

One million, two hundred and
fifty thousand man-hours.

W-What?

That's how long it would take to
check out every toilet in D.C.

Once you start with the math,
you don't stop, right?

I think everyone's
like that, don't you?

Yeah, I think so, definitely.
Go math!

Math people forever, right?

♪

♪ We got to go, got to go

♪ To the party

♪ Got to go, got to go

♪ To the hotel

♪ We got to go, got to go

♪ Yeah, come on, that's right
♪ To the party

♪ Come on, yeah

♪ Got to go, got to go

♪ To the hotel

♪

♪ That's right

♪ There's gonna be
some people there ♪

♪ We got to go, got to go

♪ Where we gonna go?

♪ To the party
♪ Oh, that's right

♪ We got to go, got to go

♪ Where we
gonna-gonna-gonna go? ♪

♪ Oh, boy, come on

♪ We got to go, got to go

♪ Where we gonna go?

♪ To the party
♪ All right then

♪ We got to go, got to go

♪ Where we gonna go?

♪ To the hotel

♪ Let's hear it then,
come on. ♪

Tell us about the last time
you saw Morgan Donnelly.

I already told
the other young man.

I made him dinner here.

What did you make?

Beef stroganoff.

Salad, ice cream.

Did you feel
well afterwards?

Yes, I went to work.

I was fine.

The FBI checked out my alibi.

You already know.
Was Morgan

feeling all right
when you left the house?

He was fine.

He and Elliot were gonna watch
some soccer game

and write jokes about it.

Did your brother mention

feeling sick the next morning?

Why? Do you think
my cooking killed Morgan?

We have evidence that Morgan
became ill that night.

It's very likely
that he died

while vomiting into your toilet.

Oh, my God, do you really think
that I poisoned Morgan to death?

No. Morgan Donnelly died
by someone smashing his head

into the toilet bowl.

I want a lawyer.

And I want one for my brother.

Morgan was moving to New York.

That's not true.

What made him vomit?

He was drinking a lot, you know,
to work up the courage.

Courage for what?

Tell my sister he was going
to dump her and take off.

You didn't know any of this?

So, it was a matter of
defending your sister's honor?

Not only.

I did all that work
with Morgan and taped him.

He was supposed to helping me
put my own act together,

but he wasn't gonna.

He said something like,
a comic has to be tough,

make tough calls,

and leave behind people
he'd outgrown.

He's sitting there
telling me all this stuff

with a stupid arrow
in his head.

I got mad and...

Poor Elliot.

I...

did what I did.

Then I wrapped him up
in a shower curtain,

drove him out
to that woodsy area

under the billboard.

Came back,

cleaned up the bathroom,

put the shower curtain
back up and...

Okay, he's here,
he's here, he's here.

What if he hates it?

Angela, it's okay.

He's leaving.

Forget it.

Okay.

Hey!

Zed!

Zed!

Man, shut up, okay?

Do married people

tell each other everything?

Why didn't you
paint something?

Somebody beat me
to it, man.

I got nothing
better to say than she did.

You mean, you-you like it?

I love it.

But your technique blows.

Hey, you can't you talk to her...
Hodgins...

...it was a compliment.

Sweets told me that you were
really funny at the comedy club.

Oh, he wrote me some jokes.

No, he said that you bombed
when you told his jokes,

but that the audience
laughed when you got mad.

Wait a second, all right.

You're the one who said
that comedy comes out of anger.

I have been

a very good influence
on the sophistication

of your thinking.

I'm a very sophisticated man.

Laughter can also
be made to make

people helpless
and vulnerable.

Perhaps that's why

some comics say,
"I killed tonight."

Or, "I slaughtered them."

Side-splitting.
Yes.

Exactly,
humor is a kind of viol...

Oh, my God. Don't move.

You have an arrow in your head.

No, Bones, it's a joke.

I'm sorry. It was just...

You tried to scare me,

but I scared you
right back.

That is funny.

I was trying
to make you laugh, okay?

And then you scared me.
All right, that's not funny.

You and Sweets,
you're not funny.

Wh... Really?

Well, will you tell me
one of Sweets' jokes?

Okay, fine.

You know who's good ideas?

Who?
Lamps.

Lamps... yes.

Yes, yes,

lamps have good ideas

because they lightbulbs
going on.

That's not funny.

That's really...
it's really funny, Booth.

One more, tell me another.

Okay, fine, is it just me
or are circle pointless?

Sweets is a genius.

Circles are pointless

because they are round.

Get it?

One more, Booth.

Pointless.

Booth?

Booth?

Booth? Booth?

== sync, corrected by elderman ==

What's that mean?