Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) God bless you.

There is no God, but thanks for the

thought.

Your door is stuck.

Keep trying, you'll get it.

It still won't open.

Try kicking it.

Hold on, let me give you some help

here.

Oh, thank you.

Try shoving it with your shoulder.

All right, all right, move out, move out.

There, was that so hard?

Thank you so much.

I don't know what I would have done

if you hadn't been here.

Yeah, yeah, I'm a real lifesaver.

Oh, look, you're sick.

Let me heat you up some nice chicken

soup.

Yeah, lady, I don't eat hot dogs off

carts or buy lemonade from kids on the

street.

I promise you, I'm certainly not going to

take soup from a total stranger.

Now, good night.

It's got noodles in it.

No.

Shaped like little stars.

Well, maybe one bowl.

Hey, Chris, come on, I ordered a three

-minute egg 20 minutes ago.

Hey, stop right there.

Don't you move.

Hey, hold still.

Well, sounds like the chicken just don't want

to give it up.

It's been a damn fly buzzing around here

all morning, but it's okay.

I think I killed it.

Oh, yeah?

Who's that, one of the mourners?

All right, all right, nobody move.

It's in the register.

Oh, I got him, he's trapped.

Okay, now what?

Well, since he only opened that for paying

customers, I'm guessing the fly was suffocated.

Margaret, I just did the stupidest thing I've

ever done.

And we all know the bar's set pretty

high.

I went for coffee in Kevin's neighborhood and

he saw me.

Kevin, is this the guy who thinks you

live in Los Angeles?

Yes, which is where I'm supposed to be

today.

See, I told you all this lying would

catch up to you.

Why don't you just end this phony long

-distance relationship and tell him that you live

here in New York?

I don't want to end the hottest relationship

I've ever had.

The more I don't see him, the more

I want to.

Yeah, I'm that way with breakfast.

The more I don't see it in front

of me, the more I want it.

Bob, it's almost lunch, shut up.

So listen, when you saw Kevin, what did

you say?

I told him the head of our New

York office died and I came back to

the city for the funeral.

So how did he die?

I don't know, Kevin didn't ask, what do

you care?

Well, I better get out of here.

I told Kevin I'd meet him after the

funeral, so I had to find a black

dress that says both Bon Voyage and Welcome

Aboard.

Where are you going in such a hurry?

To a funeral, my boss died.

I guess everybody got their wish and it

didn't go to hell.

So, Becker, why don't you tell everybody about

your hot weekend?

What are you talking about?

I was in bed with a cold.

We heard you were in bed with a

lady across the hall.

It's true, that's the rumor going around the

building.

All right, John.

Oh, don't be silly, she's twice my age.

He's 140?

Fair music.

Take it where you can get it, John.

You know, when I was 15, I had

a relationship with a woman twice my age.

Yeah, she was 30, that was hot, this

woman was hot in the 30s.

I just helped her get her apartment door

open and she returned the favor by making

me chicken soup.

I don't know, John, a woman her age

sounds like the perfect match.

She's hard of hearing, she'll think you're delightful.

Yeah, and she probably doesn't see that well,

so she'll think you're handsome.

She's already lived through the depression, so she'll

probably think you're fun.

You guys enjoying this?

Oh, yeah.

Let me just get a cigarette and I'll

get out of your way.

What?

I trapped a fly in there and you

let it out.

You put a fly in there with my

cigarettes?

You know how unhealthy that is?

All right, it happened again.

This is the third time this week I've

gotten a package addressed to a Mrs. John

Becker.

Oh, hey, my CD's finally arrived.

Solid gold hits from the 70s.

Yeah, that's groovy.

Listen, why do you keep sending things to

my apartment?

So I don't get all the junk mail

I send afterwards.

You know, I should be angry with you,

but now that I know your taste in

music, I just pity you.

Are you baking bread?

Oh, muffins, actually.

Mrs. Firth, my neighbor, made them.

Oh, your girlfriend.

She's trying to be a good neighbor.

She's over here baking, dusting, ironing, she even

scrubbed out the bathroom.

All this time I thought my shower door

was frosted.

John, you are treating that sweet old lady

like she's your maid.

You're taking advantage of her.

I'm not taking advantage of her.

Boy, that pigeon poop sure builds up on

the fire escape.

I did not ask her to do that.

Mrs. Firth, this is Chris from upstairs, you

know her.

Oh, yes, I've seen you around the building.

Well, it's nice meeting you.

And don't let him work you too hard.

She's very sweet.

Try not to break her heart.

Or her hip.

Hey, Mrs. Firth.

You know, I don't want to take advantage

of you, but you don't mind doing all

these things for me, do you?

Oh, not at all.

It's so nice having someone to do things

for.

Mrs. Firth?

Someone has been working out.

I'm sorry, I may have inadvertently led you

astray here, but I just want to be

neighbors, that's all.

You don't find me attractive?

That's not the point.

I mean, you're very, you know, I'm sure,

you know, for a woman, I bet in

your day you...

I'm married.

To whom?

To whom?

To whom do you think?

To my wife.

To Chris, as a matter of fact.

The girl who was just here.

See, look at that.

Mrs. John Becker.

That's her, my wife.

If you're married, why doesn't she live here?

Because she lives upstairs.

And we're going to turn this into one

of those, you know, duplexes, break through the

ceiling.

It's going to be fantastic.

I got plans here.

Anyway, the point is, the point is that,

you know, that's why this is just not

going to happen for the two of us.

You understand that, don't you?

Of course you do.

Anyway, bye-bye.

Are you saying that if you weren't married,

you and I could be together?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

I couldn't take my hands off of you.

But unfortunately, I am married to Chris.

So, you know, what are you going to

do?

Anyway, goodnight.

Bye-bye.

Okay, then.

I'll see you.

Damn fly.

This is my breakfast.

Can't you do something about this?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I've been trying to get rid of it

for two days, but it just sits there

with its bug eyes and its stupid little

fly face mocking me.

All right, you know what?

The only reason he bothers us is because

we let him.

Now, let's ignore him.

He'll think we don't care.

Then he'll leave.

All right, all right.

All right, that's it.

We cannot catch it.

We can't ignore it.

We have to kill it.

I'm going to go down to the hardware

store.

I'm going to get some poison, and we'll

gas the little bastard.

Out of my way, checker.

I'm going to buy some poison.

Oh, don't give up on yourself yet, Bob.

There's always night school.

Do me a favor.

If you see Mrs. Firth in the building,

back me up on something.

I told her that you and I were...

Oh, Chris, I put the muffins in the

oven.

Just give him another 20 minutes.

Oh, thanks.

What are you doing here?

Oh, hi, John.

Chris and I have had a lovely morning

getting to know each other.

Why?

I've been telling Mrs. Firth all about our

wedding day.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, what a great day that was.

Just the beginning of many happy years together.

She just told me that you're getting a

divorce.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

All right, all right.

The truth is, I've gone through a little

rough patch here, but, you know, I still

love her, and I'm willing to fight to

make it work.

John, I don't think we can repair this.

Yes, we can.

I don't think so.

We can.

No, we can't.

Please, I'm begging you.

You know, the begging was cute when we

first met, but not now.

Besides, the sex is so bad, and, frankly,

once that goes, what's left?

I'll have you know that many of the

women I've had sex with have been, and

I'm quoting here, relatively pleased.

Well, it looks like nothing is standing in

our way now.

I guess you're all mine.

No, no, no.

You know something?

I've been trying to spare your feelings here,

but you know what?

If you're not going to take no for

an answer, I'm just going to have to

be harsh.

You're sexy when you're angry.

Really, you think so?

Because I find that he's just saying...

Hey, just shut up, will you?

You're right, you're right, you're right.

I'm sorry.

I should leave you two alone.

Look, Mrs. Firth, I lied to you.

I don't want to be with you.

Oh, but you will be.

You're what I want, and I always get

what I want.

Margaret, I'm leaving.

Wish me luck.

If you think you're leaving in the middle

of the day, you're going to need it.

But I'm taking your advice.

I called Kevin, I told him to meet

me at the diner.

I'm going to tell him the truth.

Can't you do that on your own time?

Margaret, could you be serious for just a

minute?

If I don't do this now, I never

will.

You were right.

I can't continue to live a lie.

Bye.

Where are you going?

Jerry duty.

Bye.

Oh, Margaret.

Yeah, Mrs. Firth in my building calls.

I'm not in.

Oh, your girlfriend.

Lover's quarrel?

It's not funny.

The other day, she molested me.

What?

Yeah, she grabbed my ass.

I mean, I was groped by the bony

fingers of a horny senior citizen.

Maybe it would help if you thought of

her as three 30-year-olds.

You don't understand.

This woman is tormenting me.

She was just over at the diner.

She kissed me.

And then last night, the phone rings.

All I hear is heavy breathing.

John, are you sure it was her?

No, it was her.

Right before she hung up, I heard her

clap the lights off.

Oh.

What is it now?

Oh, it just turned creepy.

She was here.

Who?

Mrs. Firth.

She left soup on my table here.

Look at that.

I recognize the bowl.

That's her china pattern.

What are you so afraid of?

She's an old woman.

Yeah, she's an old woman who's stalking me.

You know, I'm calling the cops.

Fine.

You do that, I'm gonna draw a chalk

outline around the evidence.

Yes, yes.

I'd like to report a stalker.

Yeah, she's very scary.

Very dangerous.

Uh, female, about 75 years old.

Weighs about 95 pounds.

She wears those little orthopedic shoes.

This is not funny.

Look, you know, she touched my butt, and

then she left soup here on my desk.

Hello?

Hello?

Hello?

So, why did you want to meet me

here?

Hold on.

I love my gum in your mouth.

You want it back?

I'll get it later.

So, what's going on?

I thought you were going back to Los

Angeles after the funeral.

Kevin, I've got something to tell you.

Okay.

I haven't been completely honest.

I didn't come in from L.A. because

my boss died.

There is no boss.

I made it all up.

I live in New York and I have

the whole time.

Wow.

I...

I can't believe it.

I know.

I'm so sorry.

But I only lied to keep things exciting.

Oh, I can't believe you finally told me.

I knew that all along.

But how?

I see you everywhere.

Why didn't you say something?

Well, that whole long-distance fantasy thing was

your idea, so I figured you were into

it.

Besides, when you're pretending to be in Los

Angeles, I get to date other women.

You cheated on me?

Oh, come on.

I've seen you with other guys all the

time.

You spied on me?

Well, that's it.

Forget it.

I can't have a relationship with someone who's

so dishonest.

Linda, whoa, whoa, Linda, Linda.

Our entire relationship is based on dishonesty.

Oh, right, I forgot.

So...

So what do we do now?

I guess we have to break up.

Yeah.

Though it seems a shame to give up

such great sex.

Although, if things were hot when we only

saw each other every few weeks, imagine how

great they'd be if we thought we'd never

see each other again.

Oh.

Hey, Linda.

Hi.

Is this your boyfriend?

Yeah, this is Kevin.

Things are so great after tonight, I may

never see him again.

So that's the key to a successful relationship,

finding a woman who'll never want to see

you again.

Hmm.

I'm doing a lot better than I thought.

What's up, Chris?

Can I get a cup of coffee?

So, uh, how's that thing working out with

the fly?

I don't see him around.

Well, I used that spray you brought and,

uh, and I guess I killed him.

Oh.

Well, glad I could help out.

So he's gone?

Yeah.

Good.

Done.

Hey, what's going on?

Chris killed the fly.

Well, it's about time.

It's, uh, kind of quiet in here, huh?

Well, I thought you guys hated it.

Well, you know, I did, but I kind

of got used to it.

Kind of like Bob.

So you'd be sad if she killed me?

I asked you a question.

Sure I would.

Sure I would.

Wow.

So the fly's really gone.

Yeah.

You know, this may sound a little weird,

but, uh, I think I just might miss

that little guy.

Well, you know, maybe I didn't kill it.

I didn't actually see it die.

Maybe it just flew out the window.

Well, that's what I'm going to think.

Yeah, me too.

All right.

Yeah.

He's back.

He's okay.

Oh, thank God.

I didn't kill him.

Hey, I'm glad he's back.

Hey, you know what?

I got the perfect little box at home.

I'm going to go home and make him

a little flyquarium.

Flyquarium?

He needs all the friends he can get.

Just let him go.

Hey, guys.

Coffee, please.

Hey, what are you doing here so late?

Oh, I can't go home.

I might bump into Mrs. Firth, who, thanks

to you, is still stalking me.

I'm sorry.

I couldn't stay in an unhappy marriage.

Very funny.

I should never have helped that old bag

out in the first place.

That's what I get for being such a

nice guy.

You killed it!

If that old lady would stand still long

enough, I'd take care of her, too.

What?

Come on.

What are you doing?

Oh!

Cease!

How the hell did you get in here?

I made a copy of your key.

Was that bad?

Do you want to punish me?

Oh, no, no.

Playing hard to get?

I like that.

What do I have to do to make

you stop?

There's nothing you can do to make me

stop.

I know where you live, I know where

you work, and I'm never gonna quit.

You know what?

You win.

You know, I give up.

You win.

I always do.

No, no, no.

I'm not the kind of guy who just

jumps into bed on the first date.

Now, tie that thing up.

Look, I need a little...

I don't know, some romance or something.

You know, maybe dinner?

That sounds nice.

We could go to that little Italian restaurant

on the corner.

Oh, that'd be great.

Now, see, that's exactly what I'm talking about.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you go home and change?

I'll come back and I'll pick you up

in a few minutes, all right?

You wouldn't be trying to trick me, would

you?

Well, how could I?

I mean, like you said, you know where

I live, you know where I work.

I can't hide from you.

That's right, you can't, and I'm glad you

understand that, John.

I'm going to go home and change.

All right.

I'll be right over.

Why would you do that?

Because I don't know what else to do!

Do you really think a locked door will

keep us apart?

No!

That's why I'm moving this sofa over.

Do what you want, but you can't stay

in there forever.

Hey.

Hey, Mrs. Burns.

How you doing?

Hello, Bob.

You get locked out of your apartment?

No, the door's stuck.

Here, let me help you.

Thank you.

It's so nice to meet a nice, polite

young man for a change.

It's no problem.

Sometimes you've just got to give it a

little shove.

Oh, thank you.

No problem.

I'll see you.

Oh, dear.

You're sick.

Yeah, I think I'm getting a cold.

Oh, that's too bad.

Why don't you come on in for a

nice bowl of chicken soup?

I don't know, Mrs. Burns.

I mean, you know how people in the

building talk.

What if someone sees me going into your

apartment, huh?

Oh, don't be silly, Bob.

You're sick, and you need someone to take

care of you.

Well, I guess one bowl couldn't hurt.

Tag, you're it.

Tag,

you're it.