Original subtitles

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(WHIMSICAL PIANO MUSIC)

(SCOOTER ENGINE REVVING)

(BRIGHT MUSIC)

Hey, it's my way, you'll get..

Oh, it's you. I'm terribly sorry.

What's the hurry? Got a case somewhere?

That'll be the day.

(SCOOTER TYRES SCREECHING)

Careless driving costs lives, you know.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

These little jobs need controlling in traffic, miss.

Has it occurred to you that you swerved right in front of me?

In law, you're in the wrong, you know.

What?

Article 28 of the Traffic Act states quite clearly in subsection 902,

that as you are in flagrante delicto,

on the footpath, you're guilty of trespass

as a result of your negligence.

I happen to know a little about the law.

Let's call a policeman and let him decide.

They happen to know a little about the law too.

Very little.

But I haven't got time right now to show them where their duty lies.

I have a most important case in the High Court and, uh,

I'm late now.

Really? Yes.

The attorney general himself insisted that I take the case.

Well,

here's my name and address.

(HORN BEEPING) Now, if you'll, excuse me, miss.

(HORN BEEPING)

Excuse me, miss.

Do you know this is a no parking street, on or off the pavement?

I, I'm sorry, officer. I'm just going.

Then you'll remember in the future, miss, won't you?

Yes, yes, I will.

(CAR ENGINE REVVING) Just a minute.

(TYRES SQUEAKING) Sorry.

Morning, Simon. Working?

Divorce. Dallas Ditchwater.

Didn't even clock her one. BOTH: Ha.

Still, it's money.

Money? Never heard of it.

(KETTLE WHISTLING)

Morning, Gloria.

Any rude men ringing up today?

(GIGGLES) No such luck, Mr Stevens.

Ah, you're not forward enough.

My mum says I'm too forward by half.

I see what your mum means.

Morning, George.

Morning, Mr Stevens.

How did it go?

Oh, a dock brief, George.

Two guineas, 12 months.

Anything fresh in for me this morning?

Yes. Nice little sewage brief here, river pollution.

It's marked at five guineas.

What's the matter with me, George?

Sewage poisoning fish,

smoke polluting the atmosphere. I dunno.

Now, now, Mr Stevens,

even Sir John had to work his way

through drains and sewers before he got the plums.

Plenty of pickings in drains and sewers.

Yes, I know, but where are all the lovely breaches of promise,

the indecent exposures, luscious divorce cases

at 200 guineas a go.

And don't tell me they're not all still at it, George,

because they jolly well are. Why don't they come my way?

Oh Lord, it's all over my wig.

It's only a bar of chocolate.

Only? That happens to be my lunch.

And my glasses too.

But you don't wear glasses, do you?

Oh, they impress the judges, George.

Give confidence to the clients.

How say you, my George?

I'd say if they impress the clients with you behind them,

then they're worth their weight in gold.

Hey, what are you moving my stuff for?

The new junior's coming in today, Mr Stevens.

New junior?

Oh, nobody told me.

Why does he have to have my desk?

It's a young lady.

Sir John's niece.

Oh, a girl.

Well, that doesn't make any difference.

She can't have my desk.

Put her over here.

Hello, hello, hello.

Your new, aren't you? Big improvement.

Who sent you those?

Ah, they're not for me. Oh.

I never get roses.

All I ever got was forget-me-nots once.

Who from?

I forget. (GIGGLES)

Hello?

What are you doing here?

Don't solicitors ever work?

I am working.

I've been distributing a few briefs.

Oh, well, that's different, come on.

For the next door chambers.

You're useless, Hubert.

Why don't you ever distribute me a brief?

Oh, friends, wouldn't be ethical.

Besides, it's a bit above your station.

Cheek.

That's a new girl at the switchboard, isn't it?

Hmm? I said,

that's a new girl at the switchboard.

Oh, I don't know. I haven't got time to go leering at the telephonists.

You're missing something.

Hello.

I suppose putting in

and pulling out these plugs all day would develop one.

You're sick.

Hmm.

I thought this was your desk.

Yes, it was.

Surely you'll be better off with something edible,

like a bouquet of celery.

Uh, we've got a new junior coming here, a girl.

So I have to have this old desk in the draught.

A girl, my favourite style of interior decoration.

Don't be so damn stupid, Hubert.

What am I supposed to do with a girl in here?

For the usual fee, I could tell you.

She's old bloodhound's niece. Oh.

Worked her way in through the family connection, I suppose.

You know, I like girl barristers.

They're so beguiling in court.

They get over excited,

and their wigs develop a life of their own.

Yeah, they're no good, Hubert.

This one will never get into court.

She'll be here all the time

spying on me, sending me out of the room

every time she wants to change her thick woollen stockings

and sitting in the only comfortable chair.

Well, you can give her that one.

Ah, I'd like to. It's got a ruddy great nail in it.

Or maybe she's well padded

and won't notice. I don't really mind

which chair I have.

I'm Frances Pilbright.

I think we've met.

I'm Hubert Shannon. I'm a friend of Tony's.

We share a flat.

Oh, do let me take your things.

Thank you very much.

Do you work in these chambers too?

No, no. I'm a solicitor.

We'll see if we can find you a brief or two.

(BAG THUDDING) Do you mind?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Now, then, uh, do sit down.

Yes. Do you like a cushion?

Uh, no, thank you.

I don't need one.

You don't?

Oh, that's nice to know.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

Ah.

What time would you like me back, Madam?

Oh, uh, pick me up here about, about tea time,

will you, 'Arry? Thank you, Madam.

(GENTLE BRIGHT MUSIC)

(SCOFFS) What a sight.

(JAUNTY BRIGHT MUSIC)

(GLADYS WHISTLING)

Will you take me to Cumberwell, please?

I'll tell you when to stop. OK then.

Sure you got the fare?

Long way, you know.

Aye, I think I can just about manage.

OK, hope in. Cheeky.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(FRUIT SELLER BELLOWING INDISTINCTLY)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

(MAN HUMMING)

Hello, Sid.

Who are you?

It's me, Gladys.

Come on.

I don't know you.

Oh, Sid.

You come out to the wrong place.

Now hop it, as the monkey said to the kangaroo.

You haven't changed, Sid.

Always joking.

Now, now, my good woman. You can't come in here.

Oh, why not, Sid?

I'm your wife.

Wife? I'm not married. I'm a spinster.

I never seen you before.

Don't you remember me?

I know it's been a long time.

All right, come on, beat it, as the monkey said to the egg whisk.

(PEARL LAUGHING)

As the monkey said to the egg whisk.

Oh, Sid, that's one of your best.

Who's this?

Search me, Pearly Girl.

Some alarming creature that thinks this is a marriage bureau.

Come here for husband or something, she has.

Oh, Sid, a woman.

Oh, is that what it is?

Go on out of here, will ya?

You're nuts.

Yeah, monkey nuts. (CHUCKLES)

Never mind, Sid.

I forgive you.

Forgive him?

Stop drivelling, you old rag bag, and fiddle off.

Hear, hear.

(GLADYS WHIMPERING)

Ah, Frances, my dear, welcome.

They've made you comfortable, I see.

You've met Tony Stevens.

Yes, yes I have.

Oh, hello, Shannon.

Morning, Sir John.

Oh, I was going to telephone your office.

This case they've sent me for tomorrow,

this disorderly house, girls dancing

in the, uh, all together.

Uh, uh, the papers are quite inadequate.

I want more details evidence, photographs.

Photographs?

Yes, Sir John, I'll see to that.

Yes. Uh, oh, well, you must excuse me.

I have a client in my room.

Oh, uh, Tony, I shall want you in court for that case.

You might study the details,

will you? Yes, I will, Sir John.

Yes, I meant the details of the case,

not my niece's statistics.

Yes, of course, Sir John.

All through here, Shannon?

Oh, oh, oh, yes, Sir John.

Just, just leaving.

So I'll see you later, dear. I won't be long.

About our meeting this morning in front of the law courts,

I might have been slightly wrong about the law.

(CHUCKLING) You were wrong, and you know it.

Ah, well...

But one barrister can't sue another.

I mean, that wouldn't be comradery, would it?

Uh, thank you.

Well, may I say how delighted I am to welcome you to these chambers.

Anything you'd like to know, just ask me.

Of course, I'm, I'm pretty busy at the moment...

Yes, fighting cases for the attorney general.

(LAUGHS) Well, perhaps I did exaggerate slightly.

(LAUGHS) What do you specialise in?

Sewers.

Oh, public health, you know, big stuff.

Well, I don't suppose you'll be getting any briefs for a bit,

but you could always help me if you like.

Oh, thank you. I'd like to.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

Oh.

Excuse me.

Um, were you, uh, looking for something then?

I was looking for the owner actually.

Oh, Mr Victor. Oh, uh, he'll be in his office.

I'll show you. Oh, thank you.

Well, there you are Mr Shannon.

Now, what was wrong with that?

Nothing at all as far as I can see,

and I can see pretty far.

Oh, it's a lovely number, artistic.

It's the most artistic number in the show, I always say.

Oh, thanks love.

Of course I should have had my python.

Your which? A snake,

in the show. She does it with a snake.

It twirls all around her like knitting. Oh, it's lovely.

I expect you could imagine it.

Yes, I thought something was missing,

but I filled in the gaps. (LAUGHS)

Yes, well, we can't have a snake in here.

It's against regulations.

We gotta watch them.

You see, we're very strict here in this club, Mr Shannon.

Tell me, what do you feed it on?

Oh, anything that's going really.

It's not choosy,

but it does like salt beef sandwiches

with a little bit of mustard.

She's known as Princess Kamuli, you know.

The python? No,

golly.

Golly.

I'm Gale Tornado.

Oh, that is a very beautiful name.

Well, it's a bit more classy than Beryl Haggins, innit? (LAUGHS)

(HUBERT LAUGHING) Well, everything's classy here.

Right. And in good taste too.

And now if you've seen everything you wanna see,

the girls have gotta get back to work.

Well, I, I, I...

I'm only sorry that I couldn't get my tassels really going for you,

but I have to be very careful with the brick-a-brack.

Well, actually, Sir John wanted some photographs.

Certainly, by all means.

(GASPS) Did you get your tassel back, dear?

Last dance, one of her tassels came to pieces,

right in one of the customer's hands.

It was a very unpleasant experience, I can assure you.

You know, they don't make things to last these days, do they?

Hello, Sam?

Bring a camera up here. I want you to take some photographs.

(KNUCKLES RAPPING) Come.

Do you want me?

Oh yes, darling.

This, uh, this gentleman is a lawyer.

Run through your routine for him, there's a love.

What, here? Well, yes.

He wants an uninterrupted view.

Shall I get my props?

She does all sorts of things with a vacuum cleaner,

you see.

Well mime them, darling. Mime them.

Oh well, all right.

But it won't be the same.

Oh, don't worry, love. We'll give you the beat.

Ah, right.

OK, and... (ALL VOCALISING)

♪ Hey!

♪ Oh for the wings, for the wings of a dove

♪ Far away, far away would I rove

♪ Cha cha cha

♪ Oh, for the wings, for the wings of a dove

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ As I went down the road to Strathyre

♪ I saw an old petticoat hanging to dry

♪ So I whipped up me breeches and hung em on high

♪ Just to keep this ♪

Oh, not so much noise, please.

So you're up at last, are you?

(HUBERT GROANING) Want some breakfast?

That's a leading question.

And in my condition,

I can tell you exactly where it'd lead.

I don't know who it was who said,

"what goes up must come down",

but they had it the wrong way around.

Charming.

What were you up to last night?

The witness's memory is rather hazy,

but I seem to recollect a young lady with a vacuum cleaner.

Cleaning you out no doubt.

I don't recall.

Why the laundry work?

I'm in court with old bloodhound

this morning. Ah, that's it.

I remember I've got some evidence for him, photographs.

I'll give them to you just as soon as this little chap

in my head stops his drums.

How curious to use your wig instead of toast.

What are you on about?

It's actually spread with marmalade.

Oh hell.

How am I gonna get that off?

Well, you could wear it in the Turkish bath this afternoon

if you care to join me.

Can't afford to, old chap.

I can barely afford to pay for the gas

for a wash down and a cup of water once a week.

Could you be a good chap and very quietly dial 999?

Oh, come off it, Hubert. You're not that ill.

You don't need an ambulance.

No, but by the time they get here, we probably both will.

The flat's on fire.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Now, remember old Haddon's a tricky character.

Never met a judge like him.

He doesn't like juniors, anyway.

So just keep still and hand the books to me when I ask.

Why the hell have you got brown paper around your neck?

Oh, I had a slight accident, sir.

Well, change them.

I'm afraid I haven't got any other one, sir.

The case is called, Sir John.

Oh, well, come on. Try and keep 'em covered up.

Yes, sir. I got that extra evidence you wanted from Hubert Shannon,

the photographs, sir.

Why the hell didn't you say so? Where are they?

Here, sir.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Yes, I'll have him in the dock for this.

You should come now, Sir John.

It was then that the lights came up

revealing a scantly

clad lady artist.

I can't see a thing up there. I'm coming down here with you.

Holding in her right hand... Yes, you sit there, love.

..a vacuum cleaner.

But tell me, what exactly was this young woman doing

with the vacuum cleaner?

Well, she sort of had it over there, you see?

And then sort of brought it around the front

and, well, very difficult to describe exactly.

Oh, come come.

You must remember.

Surely, how many times did you visit

the club? 11 Times.

It seems surprising

that you should have found it necessary to go there so often.

The acts vary from night-to night, My Lord.

It's a lie. We always stick to the script.

We never change our acts.

We are ever so strict.

Silence in court.

Uh, now officer, I am going to read

a written statement that was handed to the police

by my client.

Terribly sorry.

Sir John, I've been observing your learned colleague for some time.

May I ask if he's suffering from tonsillitis

or toying with the idea of suicide

by single-handed self strangulation?

(IN A RASPY VOICE) I, I do apologise, My Lord.

I have a slight quinsy.

I'm sure the court sympathises with you.

Nevertheless, I do not wish my attention

to be distracted in any way.

Proceed,

Sir John.

My client states,

"I have always conducted a perfectly respectable club,

and such entertainment as I provide for my members

has always been of the highest artistic standard

and in perfect taste."

Would you agree with that statement?

The premises are well conducted, certainly.

And the entertainment?

There was a dance which achieved its effect

by manipulation by the artist

of the certain silken chords knotted together and

affixed to certain portions of the anatomy.

Oh, a tassel dance?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Yes, My Lord. Then why not say so?

(WASP BUZZING) I do wish things to be called

by their proper names.

Anyway, I fail to appreciate why a dance with a tassel

or indeed several tassels

should constitute, Percy...

Sir John, it appears that your junior counsel

is endeavouring to demonstrate to the court

quite a different kind of dance, possibly some vitus',

and obviously of his own choreography. Is this wise?

My Lord, I do apologise but...

(WASP BUZZING)

Sir John,

I really cannot have this court turned into a ballet school

and I must ask you to restrict your terpsichorean activities

whether with tassel, vacuum cleaner or any other object,

to your leisure hours.

I beg your pardon, Your Lordship, but... Ow!

Sir John, I really must have some order in this court.

Will you please remain seated until you have yourself under control?

I must apologise, Your Lordship,

but I have been stung by a wasp.

I'm so sorry.

Would you care for me to adjourn until your wounds are dressed?

No, no, My Lord. It's nothing.

I'm delighted to hear it.

In that case, we may proceed.

Now, Officer... (WASP BUZZING)

..I would like you to answer this question.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC) (WOMEN SHRIEKING)

Silence in the court.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

Here, have one.

Oh, thanks.

I'm on a diet, you know?

Well, you don't need to diet, though, do you?

Well, it's these sweaters, you see.

I read in the paper, coming out's going out.

You get it in a packet from the chemist.

It's of sort a powder, really.

It's got all the vitamins and things.

You just mix it with water and drink it twice a day.

You lose pounds.

When do you take it?

Oh, in between my ordinary meals.

Oh, hello, George. Have a chocolate.

No, thank you. I've gotta watch my weight.

(CHUCKLING) I suppose there's nothing in the mail for me.

I sort of saw the briefs come tumbling in.

Perhaps we ought to look on your desk.

What?

Pudney v Pudney, "restitution of conjugal rights".

Solicitor, Sutcliffe

and Sutcliffe. Oh, how sweet of him.

Mr Sutcliffe's my godfather.

Yes, I got it from the clock there was a connection.

I can't take it, can I?

I mean, it isn't ethical, is it?

It's 25 guineas.

25, oh, how wonderful.

Anything in, George? Yes, Mr Stephens.

A very nice little case. On your desk.

How much?

Three guineas.

Three guineas, yes.

Super tax, here I come.

What is it, George? No, no, no, don't tell me.

I know. I know.

Yes, Sefton Sewage Authority.

A very nice little brief.

(STEPHEN SIGHING)

I am a sewer.

You're what?

I am a sewer, a drain.

My filter bed is defective.

My sprinklers are all banged up.

I ooze.

In fact, I leak like a sieve.

Now, what is my defence?

Your defence?

Yes, am I liable for leaking like a sieve?

(FRANCES LAUGHING)

Are you laughing at me? Now, listen, if you're going to work with me,

you're going to have to take everything a lot more seriously.

A lot of judges started in sewers and drains,

you know. Have a chocolate.

Yes, thank you.

What is that?

A brief.

You have got a brief?

How much?

25. Oh.

Twent...

Who from?

Sutcliffe and Sutcliffe.

You wouldn't happen to know them, I suppose?

He's my godfather.

Yes, it's nepotism, that's what it is.

Look, it's not my fault that I was born into a legal family.

No wonder you sniffed at my drains.

Oh, look, I'd love to help you with your drains,

really, I would.

I'm perfectly capable of dealing with my own drains,

thank you very much.

I've been through half the drains in England

in the last two years.

Yeah, let's have a look at this.

"I am Gladys Rose Pudney.

I am a middle aged woman."

Blah blah blah...

"I get married.

I get bombed.

I lose my memory and forget about my husband.

I get my memory back and remember about my husband.

I find my husband.

I can't get him back.

I sound like a dope."

She sounds like a very hard done by woman.

Well, it's a comfort to know

there's at least one woman in the world who's hard done by.

Look, I didn't ask for that brief.

Oh, go ahead. Doesn't matter to me.

I expect the judge will turn out

to be your mother-in-law.

George tells me that Peter Sutcliffe has found a brief for you, my dear.

Yes. Excellent.

You are very fortunate in having a solicitor

in the family as it were.

Yes, I could only wish that more members of these chambers

could impress solicitors so strongly.

Uh, throat lozenge for your quinsy, I take it.

What?

No. Sir John.

Thank you.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC) (MEN GROANING)

Oh, here we go.

(HUBERT GROANING)

Steady, steady.

(HUBERT GROANING)

Yes.

Naughty.

Well, well, I must have a brief, Hubert.

That girl with her 25 guineas.

She's gonna comet over me like nobody's business.

My position's impossible.

Oh, you better get out and get yourself a godfather.

I have two.

One's dead, the other's a dentist in New South Wales.

(HUBERT LAUGHING)

MASSEUR: Well, that's it.

Thank you.

Well, damn it, Hubert.

You've got tonnes of briefs in there. Why can't I have one?

And I don't mean a drain or drunk and disorderly.

I might have a malicious trespass.

I'm sorry, old man,

but I saw it there and the temptation was too strong.

You'll be looked up one of these days if you go on like that.

Now, put it back, there's a good chap,

and go to sleep.

I must have it, Hubert.

Oh, let him have it.

Then we can all go to sleep.

(DOG BARKING)

Good morning.

Good morning.

Oh, could I borrow that when you're finished with it?

Oh yes, yes, of course. Thank you very much.

There's one or two references I want to check.

You've got a brief?

Yes.

Oh, I'm glad.

Public health?

No, rather an interesting case actually.

Restitution of conjugal rights.

I'm briefed for the defence at 25 guineas.

Oh, marvellous.

What is it?

Pudney versus Pudney.

Oh, I'm delighted for you.

Pudney versus Pudney?

But you can't do that.

Why not?

Well, I'm prosecuting, and we're both in the same chambers.

It's unusual, but, uh, it happens.

You got that brief on purpose.

Came my way, and I took it.

After all, it's no crime to have friends

in the legal profession, is it?

Of course you could object if you're scared.

(SCOFFS) Why should I be scared?

I shall win.

Mrs Pudney's story is obviously the truth.

Quite probably, but that doesn't come into it, does it?

My client is innocent until he's proved guilty.

As his counsel, I accept his story,

and I shall present it with all the skill at my command.

But you can't present what's obviously a pack of lies

as the truth. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, my dear young woman, you know very little about the law.

Our job is to see the truth prevails and that justice is done.

You can't defend him.

Well, I can't prosecute him, can I?

Because you got there first.

But your conscience.

Hmm, when my conscience sniffs 25 guineas,

it goes out like a light.

Thank you.

Mrs Pudney, I gather that you haven't got a copy

of the marriage certificate.

No, love, Sid kept that.

He put it straight into his pocket.

"That's where that's going," he said, "right next to my heart."

Lovely way of putting things, he has.

And the registrar's original was destroyed

before it could be sent to the records office?

That's right, love.

In the blitz, that very night.

Dreadful, wasn't it?

And six months later, you were caught in the Blitz,

lost your memory and were evacuated up north?

That's right.

You know, you do look young, love, to be doing your job.

All those murderers and people.

Well, I've not done any criminal work.

Um...

In fact, I think it's only fair to tell you

that this is my very first case.

Ah, well, never mind, love.

Of course, I've got the gift of the gab meself,

but he said I've got to hire one of you lot.

Here, he looks a bit juvenile, don't he?

Couldn't you have got me a better mouthpiece than him?

No offence, my good man,

but when I'm doing the paying,

I like to make quite sure that I'm getting me money's worth.

Mr Stevens is one of our most successful advocates.

He's constantly being employed by, by various authorities.

What work?

Well, sort of...

Surplus material.

Oh, the old war surplus racket.

I did a bit of that, meself.

I used to sell war surplus before the war.

Coppers never found out, though.

They were too busy giving parking tickets

to people who were obstructing me shop.

(CHUCKLES) Mr Pudney,

Mrs Pudney states that you have the marriage certificate.

Now come, come, my good man,

how could there be a flipping marriage certificate

when there wasn't a flipping marriage?

True. Yeah.

Now, there were witnesses at the wedding?

Ooh, yes.

Two sailor boys on leave.

Sid pulled them in off the street.

He wanted it done all quiet like.

What, now, can you remember their names?

Oh yes.

But you told me that you'd forgotten them.

EH?

Oh, did I?

Oh, well, one was tall and called Lofty

and the other was short

and called Shorty.

Sid gave 'em each five bob.

I know, 'cause I lent it to him.

Well, do you think that we could find them?

Half the women in the world are looking for sailors

called Lofty or Shorty.

Mr Pudney, I take it there's no risk of the other side

producing any witnesses?

Oh, now come, come, come.

How could there be any flipping witnesses when there wasn't

any flipping marriage? Flipping marriage, yes, quite.

You've got a lightning brain, haven't you?

I tell you what, though, her whole story is as crooked

as my income tax return. I dunno the old faggot, and I never have.

Then why should she bring the case?

Search me, as the monkey said to his mate. (LAUGHS)

All right, not here.

Do you mean to say that he didn't even buy you a wedding ring?

No.

But I had this old signet ring of my mother's.

Sid said we'd use that, more personal.

Very sentimental, Sid was.

Yeah, well, if he was so sentimental,

why didn't he look for you after bomb fell?

He seems to have made no attempt to find out

whether you were alive or dead.

Oh, that wasn't Sid's fault.

How could he?

I'd lost me memory and was evacuated.

And there's me sitting there all these years

thinking I'm Gladys Worthing, spinster,

and forgotten all about poor Sid.

Mrs Pudney, I'm going to do everything that I can

to get your Sid back for you.

Thank you.

(WHIMSICAL PENSIVE MUSIC)

(FRANCES INHALING DEEPLY)

Hello, love.

How's the reducing going?

It isn't going. It's still coming.

My mum says it runs all through the family.

Well, that must be awkward for your brothers.

Miss Pilbright in?

(KNUCKLES RAPPING)

Good morning, Miss Pilbright.

Good morning.

What are you doing here?

I brought a brief.

Another one? That's friendly of you.

For Miss Pilbright.

I thought you'd might like a little disorderly conduct

to cut your teeth on, so to speak.

Of course, if you don't, the shop will change it.

Thank you very much,

but I'm already working on a brief.

Oh, good work, what?

I think you know.

Extraordinary thing, isn't it?

She's appearing for Mrs Pudney.

She's what?

When did you get it?

Before you briefed Mr Stevens for the defence.

You're appearing against a member of your own chambers?

You wangled that brief out of me when I had a hangover.

It's not ethical.

Well, Miss Pilbright doesn't object.

Miss Pilbright, I can only apologise profoundly

and wish you every possible success.

You can't wish opposing counsel success.

Whose side are you on?

I am not allowed to take sides.

All I can say is may the best man win...

..even if she is a woman.

(FOOTSTEPS THUMPING)

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC)

Ah, Miss Pilbright.

May I say how very fetching you look in your wig.

Well, thank you.

I'm the one you're supposed to be building up.

If I told you you look fetching in your wig,

we'd probably both end up in the dock.

Besides, you don't,

you still got the remains of the Marmalade in it.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

While I'm battling to win your case for you,

I suppose you'll be sitting there lusting after the opposing counsel.

(PEARL LAUGHING)

Here, this lot could do with a drop a paint if you ask me.

Liven it up a bit. Not much of a turnout,

is it? No.

Ask that old buzzard what time the next programme starts.

Oi. (WHISTLES) What's cooking?

As the monkey said to the cannibal chief.

(LAUGHS) Oh, Sid that's rich.

Rich?

What about the cannibal witchdoctor who misbehaved

and got struck off the menu? (PEARL LAUGHING)

What may I ask is that?

Your client's girlfriend, I suppose.

(PEARL LAUGHING) Yeah, there's our legal eagles

over there. Come on, duck.

Get rid of her.

If the judge sees her, we haven't got a chance.

Good morning, all.

Oh, this is Miss Pearl Hoskins.

Mr Pudney, why have you brought this lady?

Oh, I've just come along for the giggle.

This is a serious case, Miss Hoskins.

It's not a giggle.

Listen to the Lord high undertaker.

Miss Hoskins, I'd advise you...

All right, all right, keep your wig on.

Keep your wig on?

Oh, Sid, that's rich. And dry up, you.

Dry up as the monkey said to the leaky tap.

And don't laugh so loud,

otherwise, the gentlemen will think you're common.

Why, I can't help it.

Ain't he a scream? Always in demand, he is.

Never had a lesson in me life.

Comes to me natural, sort of a gifted amateur.

You know, every lie's a gag, every gag's a laugh.

Here, what's the difference between a school master,

a guard and a pot of glue?

Give up?

A school master trains the mind

and a guard minds the train.

And what about the pot of glue?

That's where you get stack.

(PEARL LAUGHING)

Excuse me.

I'm looking for the lady.

The ladies, madam.

Yes, you'll find one at the end of the corridor on the left.

The lady barrister.

Oh.

What court, do you know?

Five, I think.

Go down here and up the steps.

You'll get there. Ta.

(BELL RINGING)

Now, you will be careful about leading questions, won't you?

This judge is very hot on them.

He won't have you putting words into a witness's mouth, you know?

Yes, I think so.

Uh, for example, you can't say,

"You murdered your wife last night, didn't you?"

You have to say,

"Tell me, did anything unusual happen last night?"

And you hope for the answer, "Yes, as a matter of fact,

I murdered my wife." (BOTH LAUGH)

And another thing, laughing at the judge's jokes.

Oh, I'm not to?

Well, sometimes you do and sometimes you don't.

But if he says to you, "How say you, Miss Pilbright?"

Then you laugh even if you haven't a clue.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, Mrs Pudney. Oh.

Oh, it's you, love.

I didn't recognise you in that wig. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, I'm so nervous.

I don't know how I'm gonna talk to that judge.

(CLEARS THROATS) And what is first this morning?

A restitution of conjugal rights, My Lord.

Any witnesses?

No, My Lord.

That shouldn't take long.

Wig!

Yes.

Come on, now, duck, shoe hop it over to the pub.

This won't take long.

Oh, Sid, why?

Well, I will, because these gents think

that if the beak gets an eyeful of you,

he won't be able to keep his mind on his work.

Oh, oh well, that's different.

Go on then, hop it.

And don't get pickled, as the monkey said to the onion.

(LAUGHS) Sid.

Oh, look, love, look.

There's my Sid.

Fancy him bringing that woman with him.

Well, who is she?

Pearl Girl, he calls her.

She was at the flat the day I called,

wearing a negligee, she was.

And drinking.

Well, why didn't you tell us?

Oh, I didn't like to.

I had to think of Sid's good name.

Oh, but Mrs Pudney, this makes all the difference to your case.

Well, of course he didn't want to say that he knows you.

We've better go in.

Hello, Sid.

Don't you Sid me, my good woman.

I don't know you.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC) Oi!

You don't happen to know where a lady could get a drink,

do you, chum? Yes, miss,

there's a water fountain, just down the corridor.

A water fountain?

I said a drink, not a wash.

Never mind, I'll find a pub meself.

Ah, I don't suppose you care to come along

and protect me, would you?

No, miss. I'm not allowed to leave my post.

Oh, well, just returning the offer.

Last time a policeman asked me to accompany him.

(BRIGHT MUSIC) Silence, be upstanding in court.

Now, remember, he's deaf as a post.

So I hope you're in good voice today.

Well, come along, come along.

Gladys Pudney and Sydney Pudney.

Restitution of conjugal rights

made please, Your Lordship.

It doesn't please me at all.

Get along with it. Who's opening?

Counsel for the petitioner, a Miss Pilbright.

I see.

A Miss Pilbright.

Well, I know that the ladies count it a privilege

to keep the gentlemen waiting, but not in my court.

Yes, Miss Pilbright?

Good luck.

Give it to him loud and strong.

Miss Pilbright, do I hear you open your case?

May it please Your Lordship,

in this case, I represent the petitioner

and my learned friend, Mr Stevens...

Will you lower voice, madam? Do you think I'm deaf?

Yes, uh, I mean, um...

What gives you that impression?

I forgot to warn you, It's only in the one ear.

Well, I, um... Although

to a person of your tender years,

Miss... Pilbright, I must appear to be practically senile,

I can assure you that I am in full possession

of my faculties,

including that of hearing in both ears, Mr Stevens.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Oh, may I say how pleased I am to hear it, My Lord.

I rather think we've met before, Mr Stevens.

I trust we're going to have no distractions

caused by your jugular vein today.

And now after these pleasantries, we'll get to work.

Your case, if you please, Miss Pilbright.

May it please, Your Lordship,

this is a case of a woman renounced by her lawful husband.

Restitution of how much?

Conjugal rights, I think they are.

Don't drown it, dear.

What might they be when they're at home?

Well, it means that if the judge says, so...

('THERE IS A TAVERN IN THE TOWN' PLAYING ON PIANO)

It doesn't sound nice to me.

And though we are short of material proof,

I'm sure you'll be convinced of the justice of her position

when you've heard the evidence

of the heart-breaking indignities

she's had to suffer at the hands of her husband.

Miss Pilbright, should you feel

that you have sufficiently harrowed my feelings,

possibly, we might have some of this evidence

on which you seem to pin such high hopes.

May it please, Your Lordship,

I call the petitioner.

That's you, Mrs Pudney.

Ey, me?

Where do I go?

This way, please, madam.

Keep it up, it's in the bag.

You knew he wasn't deaf.

I must have mixed him up with another one.

They all look alike.

I swear by almighty God

that the evidence I shall give

to this court shall be the truth, the whole truth

and nothing but the truth.

We are all waiting,

Miss Pilbright.

Um, uh, um.

I am all attention, Miss Pilbright,

but I had hoped for something more enlightening

than uh and um.

(SIGHS)

You are Gladys Rose Pudney.

That's right, love.

May it please, Your Lordship,

but I fail to see how the petitioner can be Mrs Pudney

until it is proved that she ever married Mr Pudney.

I take your point, Mr Stevens.

Well, I don't.

Um, I mean with

due respect, My Lord,

I don't see my learned friend's point.

I mean, if my client is to be called Miss Worthing,

when in fact she's Mrs Pudney, you're prejudging the case.

Miss Pilbright,

I am not in the habit of being accused of prejudging cases

nor of being instructed in my duties by counsel,

especially one who was so recently been called to the bar.

The petitioner will be known as Miss Worthing

until you have proved to my satisfaction

that she is in fact, Mrs Pudney.

As your Lordship pleases.

You are Gladys Rose Worthing,

and you reside...

No love, I'm Mrs Pudney.

You know that.

Yes, I know you're Mrs Pudney, Mrs Pudney,

but His Lordship has just ruled

that you are Miss Worthing, Miss Worthing.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Miss Pilbright, if I thought for a moment

that you looked upon my ruling as a subject of mirth.

Oh, oh no, My Lord.

I just wished to clarify the situation for my client.

His Lordship wishes you to be known as Miss Worthing.

But I'm not Miss Worthing.

Um, your Lordship, my client seems to be a little confused.

I am not in the least surprised.

You're giving her no lead

at all. Lead, My Lord?

Your client is there to answer questions.

Kindly ask them, or we shall be here all day.

(PAPER RUSTLING)

Miss Worthing, you were married to Sydney Pudney

on September the 19th, 1944

at Hoxton Street Registry Office, weren't you?

Miss Pilbright,

that is the most flagrant leading question

I have ever heard. Kindly rephrase it.

Rephrase it, My Lord?

Are you married, Miss Worthing?

Are you married, Miss Worthing?

Yes, love.

And what is the name of your husband?

And what is the name of your husband?

Sydney Arthur Pudney.

BOTH: And will you tell me where and when you were married?

And will you tell me where and when you were married?

That is much better, Miss Pilbright.

Are you now prepared to fly solo?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) May it please, Your Lordship.

Miss Worthing, I need not remind you

that you are under oath.

Oh, I'm telling the truth.

I stress this because as all the records

of this marriage have been destroyed,

the court must rely entirely on your word.

Miss Pilbright, admittedly, the records of the marriage

may have been destroyed,

but the parties to a marriage are presented

with a document called a marriage certificate.

Madam, did you have such a certificate?

My Lord, yes.

Then would you kindly produce it and stop wasting the time of the court?

My Lord, I haven't got it.

May I explain?

I am perfectly capable of examining witness unaided.

Who has

this certificate?

He has,

my husband.

I see.

So Box says that Cox has it,

and Cox says that Box has it. (LAUGHS)

A clear case of Box and Cox.

How say you to that, Miss Pilbright?

How say I?

Yes, how say you, Miss Pilbright?

Laugh.

Oh. Very witty, My Lord. (LAUGHING)

And how say you, Mr Stevens?

Very apt, My Lord.

And if I may be permitted to add

to Your Lordship's witticism, a proper box up as well.

Oh, very good, Mr Stevens. Very good, indeed.

And how say you to that,

Miss Pilbright?

Go on, you still need to laugh at my joke.

(LAUGHS) Very amusing.

Do you know what the boy lemon said to the girl lemon?

My Sid's favourite. Give us a little squeeze. (LAUGHS)

Well, he does seem worth it. I must say.

Oh, they'll never prove anything against Sid.

Well, here's to the Old Bailey and all who's sailing her.

Do I take it, Mr Stevens,

that your client cannot

or will not produce this certificate?

Well, My Lord,

since it is a figment of the petitioner's imagination,

and since my client is not a magician,

he cannot be expected to produce it like a rabbit from a hat.

And what have rabbits and hats to do with this case, Mr Stevens?

Uh, with respect, My Lord,

may I suggest that my learned friend is talking through his hat

or should I say wig?

(LAUGHS) Very apt indeed, Miss Pilbright.

And how say you to that,

Mr Stevens?

Now, you laugh.

Extremely droll, My Lord. (LAUGHS)

Don't you think you ought to be getting back, dear?

What, dear?

Isn't it time you've got back to your restitution?

How dare you?

I've never been that sort of a girl.

I said a restitution.

Oh.

Miss Worthing, will you tell me in your own words

about your meeting with Sydney Pudney

at 19 Vellemus Street a few weeks ago?

I don't like to, really.

Well, it's for your own sake.

Well, I was ever so upset.

Yes, we know that, but what happened?

Well, it was awful

really.

Miss Worthing, what happened?

Oh, My Lord, everything.

But I'm not asking for everything, only for something.

Well, it was Sid

really.

Mr Pudney?

What about him?

Well, the way he carried on.

How did he carry on?

Well, you know.

I don't know.

That's why I'm asking you to tell me.

(SIGHS) Will you please tell me, madam?

Oh, it was awful,

really.

Your witness,

Miss Pilbright.

Miss Worthing, what kind of reception did you get?

He didn't know me at all.

You mean he gave the impression that he didn't know you.

Isn't that what you mean to say?

My Lord, I must protest at my learned friend's

distortion of the evidence.

The petitioner said quite clearly

that "Mr Pudney

didn't know me at all."

Which is in fact the truth,

because he had never seen her before in his life.

And I must protest, My Lord.

Mr Pudney gave the impression that he did not know her

because he did not wish to know her.

Though, of course he did.

And she knew he did.

And he knew that she knew that he knew that he did.

I trust you follow me, My Lord.

Miss Pilbright, I am only interested in facts.

Therefore, it is entirely irrelevant

what you think he knew or she knew,

or what he knew she knew,

or indeed what he knew she knew he knew.

I trust you follow me, Miss Pilbright.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Miss Worthing, will you tell me how this woman

who was with Mr Pudney behaved?

Oh, it upset me properly.

Yes, I know, but what happened?

Oh, it was awful,

really. Miss Pilbright,

I am not going through all this again.

Madam, you will either answer counsel's questions properly

or you will stand down.

Now, then.

My Lord, what have I done wrong?

Wh-what do you want me to say?

Your counsel has asked you

to tell us something about this woman,

well, will you please tell us.

My Lord, tell you what?

Good heavens, madam, the woman was there.

She presumably said something,

didn't she?

Well, yes, she did.

Then tell me.

I'd rather not.

Madam, you will either answer my questions at once

or you'll be committed for contempt.

Now, then...

"Stop drivelling, you old rag bag and fiddle off."

Usher, fetch the tipstaff

at once!

Oh, oh, no, no, no, My Lord.

Um, my client meant no disrespect.

She was just telling you what the woman said.

Weren't you, Miss Worthing?

Oh, I don't want to have any unpleasantness.

I'd never have come here

if I'd known it was going to be like this.

I wish I'd never brought this case.

If those are your feelings,

what are you doing wasting our time here?

My Lord, I think my client's a little confused.

I can assure that she's not the only one.

Who is this woman to whom you're referring?

My Lord, I think I can be of some assistance here.

The lady is a Miss Pearl Hoskins,

Mr Pudney's housekeeper.

Now, Miss Worthing,

I don't want you to be frightened of me.

I'm not going to ask you any questions

that you don't want to answer.

Oh, thank you.

You see, I formed the opinion that you're a nice person

and perfectly truthful.

Oh, yes. It, it's always best to tell the truth.

Then when you told His Lordship just now

that you wished you had never brought this case,

I take it that you meant it.

Well, well, yes.

Then why did you bring it,

Miss Worthing?

Well, uh, oh dear.

Well, you know perfectly well why.

Sydney Pudney is her husband.

She wants him back.

Don't you understand?

She loves him.

She loves him?

She allows her counsel to come into court,

suggests that he is living an immoral life, that he's a man

of no principle, and she loves him?

And why not?

A woman loves a man for what he is, faults and all.

Look at all the nice decent women

who fall in love with

bumptious, conceited brutes.

You speak from experience.

Every woman's experience.

If women had to believe that men were perfect

before they married them, there'd never be any marriages.

My Lord, has this attack on our sex

anything to do with the case?

I was affecting, Mr Stevens that in my experience,

the more bitterly counsel attack each other in court,

the closer friends they are outside it.

The violence of your quarrel

is such that one might almost imagine you

and Miss Pilbright to be married.

You are not married, Miss Pilbright, are you?

Certainly not.

Good heavens, My Lord, no.

You both seem very definite about it.

Nevertheless, this seems to be a case

not so much of counsel of law as council of war.

How say you, Miss Pilbright?

(LAUGHS) Very witty, My Lord.

And how say you, Mr Stevens?

Highly comical, My Lord.

MAN: Then I can take it, Captain Leeds,

that faulty navigation was responsible for your ship

removing the end of Brighton Pier.

My Lord, my ship was stationary.

But then we must presume that Brighton Pier was on the move.

Last time I was on Brighton Pier, it was on the move.

Take the book in your right hand, and repeat the words on the card.

(SIDNEY MUMBLING) Here y'are, cock.

You are Sydney Pudney?

Bullseye, first shot.

In your vernacular, I take it that that means yes.

That's right. Vernaculae, vernacular,

as the monkey said when the I-tie took him up the mountain.

(LAUGHING)

Silence in court!

All you are required to do is to answer yes or no.

Now, do you know the petitioner, Miss Worthing?

No.

Have you ever known her?

No.

Oh, Sid, how could you?

Ah, take a run and jump at yourself

as the monkey said to the performing flea.

(PEARL LAUGHING)

Mr Pudney,

I am seriously tempted to send you to prison

for contempt of court.

I'm sorry, Your Worship.

I can't help it. It's me nerves.

I get a bit aggitato and then it comes spontinato.

You see, there I gone again.

Well, try to be a little less spontinato,

and I should be very much obliga...

Obliged!

Mr Pudney, did you or did you not

ever marry a Miss Gladys Worthing?

Yes or no?

That's easy, no.

Thank you.

I've finished with you. Well,

I haven't.

Mr Pudney, when Miss Worthing called at your house,

what were your reactions?

Well, it was embarrassing, like.

Naturally, it all happened in front of your housekeeper,

I think you called her?

You know, I don't like the way you said that.

But she is your housekeeper, isn't she?

Yeah.

(PEARL LAUGHING)

Silence!

Then why, at that time of the day,

was she in a dressing gown drinking cocktails?

It was a gin and tonic.

Rather unusual for a housekeeper, isn't it?

Yeah, well, she had the flu, see?

That's why she had the dressing gown on,

see? And the gin and tonic?

Well, the doctor said she ought to have a tonic, see?

And did he order gin too?

That was to take away the nasty taste of the tonic.

Then I take it that's she honest, hardworking and sober.

What are you getting at now?

Mr Pudney, is your housekeeper in court

today? How should I know?

Perhaps you'd take a look around the court and tell us.

Well, I can't see her.

Yoo-hoo, Sid,

I'm here.

Silence in court!

Come on, we just got time to have one before they close.

And bring the old rag bag with you.

Usher, remove that woman.

(HORN BLARING)

We gotta hurry, sir. It may not be over yet.

Well, where are you taking me?

The law courts, Mr Peebles. Law courts? Whatever for?

Come on, everyone. This one's on Sid.

You look as if you could do with one.

Do with one what?

A drink.

What did you think I meant, you naughty boy?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Miss Pilbright, just what are you trying to prove?

But it's obvious, My Lord.

You saw that woman.

It's obviously his stories are a pack of lies.

Are you calling me a liar?

Yes, I am.

Now you're not, not in my court.

If your housekeeper was such a model of respectability

and has been with you for six years,

why haven't you married her?

I'll tell you why,

because you are already married to Miss Worthing

and you'd rather not risk going to prison for six months for bigamy.

Miss Pilbright, I will not allow you

to make this unfounded

accusation. Quite right.

I'll have the law on ya.

You'll do nothing of the kind.

But it's the obvious, My Lord, any fool

can see.

Miss Pilbright, sit down.

I cannot hear you.

Sit down?

At once.

(AUDIENCE CHATTERING)

And you, Mr Pudney may stand down

unless, Mr Stevens,

you have any further questions to put?

Mr Stevens?

Oh, no. No, thank you, My Lord.

I think you're wise.

Miss Pilbright, throughout this hearing,

I made a allowance for your youth and experience,

and I've given you every chance of putting your case,

but other than that..

Miss Pilbright, have I your attention?

Miss Pilbright!

Oh yes, very interesting, My Lord, but I wish to speak.

I am speaking.

It is very unwise to bring a case of restitution

when you have no evidence whatsoever

of marriage. But I have, My Lord,

conclusive evidence.

That's right, me old love.

It'll put you laughing too.

Hey!

(WHEELCHAIR ENGINE REVVING)

(GROUP SHRIEKING)

My Lord, I really must protest at fresh evidence

being introduced at this stage.

I agree, Mr Stevens.

I cannot admit Miss Pilbright's new evidence.

(DOORS THUDDING) (WHEEL CHAIR ENGINE REVVING)

Usher, what is this, a court of law or a go-cart track?

My Lord, this is the witness that I wish to call.

The registrar who performed the marriage.

Very well, we better

hear what he has to say. Swear him in.

Where am I?

What am I doing here?

Would it be asking too much, usher,

if you were to orientate the witness as to his whereabouts

and the purpose of his visit here.

Also, swear him in.

Mr Peebles, you're called here as a witness.

A witness?

Well, why wasn't I told?

What are we waiting for?

Wasn't I to be sworn in?

My Lord, as Mr Peebles is a

very elderly gentleman and won't be able to take the stand,

have I have permission to swear him in situ?

It is too much to hope

that anything could be straightforward in this case.

Take the book in your right hand.

All right, all right. Needn't tell me.

I know how to take the oath even if you don't.

I swear by almighty God

that the evidence I give to this court shall be the truth,

the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

Thank you. Come on, come on.

Anybody want to ask me any questions?

Mr Peebles, I gather that you live

at 18 Launceston Gate, London

SW10.

If you know the information, why ask me?

(CLEARS THROAT) Mr Peebles, do you remember...

Of course.

Of course what?

Of course I remember, My Lord.

How can you remember when you don't know yet

what we're asking you

to remember? I remember everything.

My memory is most retentive.

Thank you, Mr Peebles.

In that case, you'll remember the end of the war.

Of course I remember the end of the war.

Mafeking night wasn't the sort of thing you forget in a hurry.

What a day.

What a night.

Mr Peebles, fascinating as your reminiscences are,

there was a little matter of hostilities

between 1939 and 1945.

That is the war to which counsel was referring.

Oh, that war.

Yes, Mr Peebles.

Now, I understand for many years

you were registrar of births, marriages,

and deaths. Oh, quite correct, my dear.

And that you're now retired.

I am.

But during the war, you were still a registrar.

I was.

Mr Peebles,

would you cast your mind back to September the 19th,

1944? I have.

You have what?

Cast my mind back, My Lord.

That's what you asked me to do,

isn't it? Yes, yes.

Now, can you tell us what happened on that day?

Hoxton Street Registry Office was demolished by a bomb.

Excellent.

Excellent?

Excellent? My dear,

not excellent at all. It's a catastrophe.

Oh, no, no, no. I meant excellent that you remembered.

Now, can you tell us what else happened

on this catastrophic day?

Certainly.

I remember every detail.

I had breakfast at 7:30, tea, toast

and a lightly boiled egg.

I have a partiality for lightly boiled eggs, My Lord.

It may surprise you Mr Peebles,

but the court is not interested

in the gastronomic details of a meal eaten

and I trust digested

more than 17 years ago.

Miss Pilbright, you will proceed beyond breakfast

and by that, I do not mean the details

of Mr Peebles's luncheon menu.

Yes, My Lord.

Mr Peebles, can you, can you tell us what happened

later on in the morning?

I was fortunate enough to catch a bus.

A delightful little clippie, I think is the term,

gave me a hand up.

I remember her very clearly, a red head.

I've always had a great partiality for red heads,

My Lord.

Miss Pilbright, we now know Mr Peebles's partiality

from red heads to lightly boiled eggs.

You will kindly come to the point if there is one.

Mr Peebles, you say that you remember

Hoxton Street Registry Office being destroyed by a bomb.

Now,

what happened before the bomb fell?

I don't know.

But you must know, you are Mr Peebles,

and you were the registrar at Hoxton Street, yes?

No. No?

I was the registrar at Paddington Green.

My brother, Christopher, was the registrar

at Hoxton Street.

It led to a lot of confusion when he was alive.

It's led to a lot of confusion now he's dead.

So much for your witness,

Miss Pilbright. You've got the wrong Mr Peebles.

Usher, the witness may stand down.

No, no, don't take me away.

I haven't enjoyed myself since...

Mafeking night, Mr Peebles?

Mafeking night, you remember that too?

(DOOR THUDDING)

I have listened very carefully

and have come to the conclusion

that the only question I have to try

is whether these parties were ever married.

Learned counsel for the

petitioner, in a speech unequalled, I am sure,

for passion and oratorical skill,

has urged me to give judgement from my heart,

but I am not here to indulge the whims

and fancies of my human heart,

but to judge this case, coldly, dispassionately

and according to the law.

And the law, Miss Pilbright, is not founded on sentimental

and, if I may say so, typically feminine notions

of right and wrong.

While you have produced no factual evidence whatsoever,

I find it hard to believe that Miss Worthing

is entirely unknown to Mr Pudney

although he denies it on oath in the witness box.

I have formed the opinion that Miss Worthing

and Mr Pudney did enjoy some sort of relationship,

but I can find no proof of marriage.

And on that fact alone, I find for the respondent.

(AUDIENCE CHATTERING)

What does that mean?

I'm afraid you've lost, Mrs Pudney.

My Lord, I cannot see how you reached this judgement.

In one breath, you accept the truth of my client's testimony,

and in the next, you decide against her.

Sit down for God's sake. He'll murder you.

Young woman, judgement has been given.

That's all there is to be said.

No, it isn't.

You clearly contradicted yourself.

You accept that Mr Pudney knows Miss Worthing,

but just because a piece paper is missing,

you won't accept that there was ever any marriage.

This woman came here today to tell the truth,

to get a fair hearing.

And what did she get?

A judgement against her on a point of law.

Well, that just isn't justice.

Miss Pilbright, that is the law.

Well, then the law's an ass.

Miss Pilbright, you have shown by your mismanagement

of your case here today

that you have neither knowledge of

nor respect for the law.

I suggest that before you have the temerity to accept another brief,

you should equate yourself with how to conduct yourself in court.

Her Majesty's courts of law are not interested

in the petulant outbursts of an hysterical school girl.

My Lord, I protest most strongly

at your treatment of Miss Pilbright.

It is counsels' duty to use every means within her power

to present her client's case to the court.

And if it is part of Your Lordship's duty

to humiliate counsel in front of her client,

then I can only repeat what Miss Pilbright said,

"The law is an ass".

Will the court be seated?

I have something to say.

Miss Pilbright, Mr Stevens, stand up.

There are occasions when counsel conduct themselves

in a manner wholly incompatible with their professional status.

This is such an occasion.

It is not for me to demean myself by further reprimanding you.

The disciplining of junior counsel

is the responsibility of their Inn of Court.

I shall be reporting you both for your inexcusable

and unpardonable behaviour

with a strong recommendation

that you are both unfitted for your position at the bar.

(AUDIENCE CHATTERING)

(AUDIENCE CHATTERING)

Don't let it get you down. You did a splendid job.

We nearly won.

Oh, Mrs Pudney, I am sorry.

Never mind, dear, you were lovely.

I'm afraid I made a bit of a fool of myself.

Oh, no love, no.

It was that horrid old judge.

What a terror.

But Mr Stevens was nice taking your side like that.

Mrs Pudney, we mustn't give up hope.

Um, I'm Miss Worthing now, aren't I?

Oh, oh no, no. We can appeal.

Eh?

Oh no, I don't want anymore.

I couldn't go through that again.

Oh, but Mrs Pudney.

No, it's all over and done with,

and I'm very grateful to you

Don't worry about me.

I'll be all right.

You've been very kind.

Goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Thanks very much.

Peter, we must appeal.

Oh, it's very expensive, and I don't think we'd have a hope.

Besides, you've got something else to worry about.

To which chambers do those two belong?

Both in the same, sir, Sir John Pilbright.

Miss Pilbright is his niece.

Never in the course of my career as a judge

have I been talked to like that.

No, My Lord, it was quite shocking,

but then they're both inexperienced.

It was Miss Pilbright's first case.

And I shall see to it that it's her last

and that other fellow.

It had nothing to do with her personally, Hubert.

I'd have done the same thing for anyone.

That bearded old... buzzard got me done.

I hope I never appear in front of him again.

You won't.

You're gonna be disbarred, remember?

Oh, yes.

And serves you jolly-well right

for taking advantage of an old friend when he's got a hangover.

Well, I'm going to go and lay the grounds

for a hangover myself right now, Hubert.

And you can take advantage of me.

Oh, there you are, cock.

Have a cigar.

No, thank you.

Oh now, cheer up, we won, didn't we?

Even if you did make a proper Charlie of yourself.

Standing up there slinging the beak, he was.

Mind you, I knew what was biting you.

Che che la femme, as the...

(HUBERT LAUGHING)

Is there a nice bit of skirt under that wig and gown of hers, eh?

If you'll excuse me, Mr Pudney, I'm rather busy.

All, right, all right. See you in the dock some time,

as the monkey said to the tramp steamer.

(SIDNEY SINGING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Well, well, well, if it isn't old Glad in person.

Oh, Sid, how could you?

Standing up there in court

and saying you didn't know me.

SIDNEY: I got away with it, didn't I?

Fancy bringing that case, you hadn't got a leg to stand on.

I had right on my side.

You may have right on your side,

but the old beak ruled for once and for all,

for better or for worse for richer or for poorer,

you're not my flipping wife and never had been.

Eh, Sid, you are naughty.

Living with that woman and not married to her.

Well, how could I marry her, aye?

How could I marry her?

Considering I got this in me pocket.

GLADYS: My marriage lines.

That's right. Hoxton Place registry office, Stepney.

No, no, no, no.

I just kept this in case you might have come into some money.

You know I needed that to prove that you was my ever loving

and entitled to me share.

Oh, no, Glad, no hard feelings as the monkey said to the...

Ah, what's the use?

You never laughed at my jokes.

You'd never have made a go of it.

Cheer up, Glad.

Go back up north and forget all about me.

Here, look, I've been having a bit of luck lately,

which is more than the luck that you've been having.

Here you are, take, take that and fix yourself up.

Go on, take it, take it, go on,

get rid of the old rags for a start.

Get a bit of lipstick.

You used to be quite good looking once.

You might get another husband.

Tell you what, you get yourself another husband,

I'll come along and give you away myself. How's that, all right?

Arrivederci.

As the monkey... nearly said.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(GLADYS WHISTLING)

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

Hello, Sid. Oh, how do you do?

Well, that's that, ennit?

Oh.

(SID LAUGHING) Here we go.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

Keep the change.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

Here, mind your back, cock.

Oh, come for the fancy dress ball, have you?

Wrong entrance. I've very important business here

with the lady, excuse me.

That's what they all say when they're stepping this way.

Yes.

Well, uh, what do you think I ought to do about it then?

Well, from the facts you've given me, I'd sue for breach of promise.

But he's in Japan.

Well, it seems that you've made your bed and someone else is lying in it.

Well, I only said yes to him to stop making beds for a bit.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

I'm the under manager, sir. Are you in difficulty?

Yes, I'm looking for a woman.

Oh. Oh!

Perhaps you could help me.

Oh, this is the most unusual request, sir,

but yes, I do happen an address near...

No, no, no, no.

This woman is staying here. Staying here, sir?

Oh, surely there must be some mistake.

No, there isn't, I followed her in. She's a Mrs Pudney.

Uh, perhaps you'd know her as Miss Worthing.

I can assure you, sir,

whatever name the lady happens to be operating under,

I do not know her nor do I wish to.

Over and about the call of my duties as an under manager,

I have no relations with guests whatsoever.

No, what I mean is... I know what you mean,

now, you listen to me,

my name is Stevens and I'm barrister.

And strange as it may appear to you,

all this is in the course of a most important job.

Here, come, come, sir. Do you really expect me to believe

that if you sneak from keyhole to keyhole

seeking to give vent to your lust,

you are serving the cause of British justice?

I don't care what you believe, it happens to be the truth.

Well, if that's the truth, I'm the queen of Sheba.

Neither do I give a damn what you do in your off duty hours.

I think you better come along with me, sir.

(BOTH SHOUTING OVER EACH OTHER)

How dare you stand there...

What's going on?

Oh, Mrs Hanley. I'm so sorry, but this person...

Oh, hello!

What are you doing here?

Now, that Mrs Hanley is a leading question.

Oh, you better come in, love,

and give me a lead.

Oh!

Well, how nice of you, Mr Stevens,

coming to see me, being on Sid's side.

Oh, would you like a spot of champagne?

Thank you, I would.

Good, help yourself and pour me some.

And what can I do for you?

Well, you see, I saw you and Mr Pudney together just now.

He was, uh, he was burning something.

Oh, yes. That.

Our marriage certificate, that was.

So you are married to him?

Oh no, I'm not, love.

The judge said so.

You asked him to.

Well, a barrister has to put his client's case...

Yes, yes, of course he has.

And you did it very nicely.

I'm very grateful to you.

But you brought a case for restitution of conjugal rights.

Yes, love, and I lost it.

Didn't you want your husband back?

(CLEARS THROAT) You've seen Sid,

would you?

(CHUCKLES) Well, uh, why did you bring it then?

Mr Stevens, you are slow.

It was the only way to be sure of getting rid of him forever.

To bring the case and lose it, see?

You mean you've been deceiving all of us.

I'm afraid so.

Appeals cost money, and she hasn't gotten any.

In fact, I think you'll be lucky if you see your fees for today.

Well, I don't mind.

It's obvious she hasn't got any money, poor thing.

That's why something must be done for her.

You haven't a chance with an appeal, Frances.

I'll try anything I can to see that she gets what she deserves.

Allow me.

Oh, ta.

Well, well, if Sid could only see you now.

(LAUGHS) He'd be after me like a dog after a rabbit.

Not quite rabbit.

No, it is nice, isn't it?

Wilf says everyone's wearing ranch mink this year.

I'd better have wild.

Wilf?

Mr Hanley, my husband.

I wouldn't take presents from anybody else.

So you are married.

Oh yes.

Have been for years.

Wilf's done quite nicely.

Very nicely by the look of things.

They're making him me this mayor this year.

So I thought I'd better tidy this little matter up,

don't want any nasty people finding out about Sid, you know.

But Mrs Pudn...

Eh, Miss Worth...

Mrs Hanley, don't you realise, you've committed bigamy.

(TUTTING) You keep forgetting, love.

Sid and me weren't ever married.

The judge said so today.

All right, all right. We'll appeal if you're set on it.

I am, if it's the last thing I do.

Well, you may not even have time for that.

The judge is gunning for you, remember.

But this is more important.

Well, I'll have to get into touch

with Mrs Pudney to see if she'll agree.

Well, of course she'll agree.

What other hope is there in life for her?

Just think, no home, no husband, no children.

Len, Ted, Buzz, and little Ron,

short for Ronald, you know?

Yes, I guessed.

The only thing I have guessed in the last 10 minutes.

These are all yours?

Mine and Wilf's.

Our union's been blessed, you see.

It has indeed.

Forgive me, Mrs Hanley,

but these children, when they were born,

I mean, you were still legally married to Sid.

Surely they must be...

Oh, yes.

Still, thanks to you and Miss Pilbright

and that nice old judge,

they'll never know it, will they?

Poor little bastards.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Sir John?

Yeah, put him through.

Hello, John.

Yes, I was in court, a very lively scene.

Yes, all right.

I'll be over in, uh, oh, half an hour.

And I must be off.

Oh, when you see that Miss Pilbright,

you'll stop her thinking anymore about an appeal

or anything like that, won't you?

What, tell her that she's been in court

representing a bigamist with a mink coat

and four little bouncing boys?

(CHUCKLES) Not me.

Oh, very well.

Then I'll tell her.

I've got enough on my hands.

I could be disbarred thanks to you.

Oh, don't talk so soft, love.

It was nothing to do with me, it was her.

When I saw the way you two went at each other,

ooh, I could see the way the wind blew.

And when you stood up to that judge,

well, when a man stands up for a girl like that,

it's as plain as the nose on your face.

You're in love with her.

I most certainly am not.

Ah, ah now, naughty perjury.

Well, I better be going.

Oh, won't you stay and see the kids?

They're coming here to meet me.

Uh, no, no, thank you.

Oh goodbye, Mrs Hanley.

If I ever need any legal advice, I'll come to you.

(CHILDREN BELLOWING)

This one was playing football in the kitchen, Mrs Hanley.

Yes, and he's ruined the chef's raspberry souffle. (LAUGHS)

Well, he knows what's good, don't you, son?

Didn't even pull nice.

(GLADYS LAUGHING)

(DOOR OPENING)

Hello.

Hello.

Any sound from old bloodhound yet?

No.

Well, wait for it.

Won't be long now.

You know, you needn't have joined in like that.

No, I suppose not.

Why did you?

Well, shan't be needing that anymore.

Care to join me? There's plenty room.

No, I'm holding onto mine for a bit longer.

Why, you got another brief?

No, we're going to appeal.

Appeal?

In the Pudney case?

You've only won the first round, you know.

It's supposed to be rather unwise to appeal without further evidence.

Oh, we shall get it.

How?

I'm going up north.

There must be some neighbours who can support her claim.

But can she afford it?

Well, obviously she can't,

but I'm hoping to whip up some local sympathy.

How?

Her MP to start with,

then there's the local council.

You know, I might even get the mayor interested.

The mayor?

Why not?

Peter Sutcliffe's going to contact Mrs Pudney

first thing in the morning.

I'd stop him.

Why?

Because Mrs Pudney is married to the mayor.

What?

I didn't want have to tell you this, Frances,

because I knew it would upset you.

Mrs Pudney, alias Miss Worthing is in fact Mrs Hanley.

She has a mink coat,

a collection of rocks that would make your eyes stand out on stalks,

and four little bouncing boys straight out of a 'Giles' cartoon.

What are you trying to do?

I've seen it, Frances, I'm telling you.

She only brought this case to lose it,

to be sure of getting rid of Sid for good.

She's a bigamist and a near perjurer.

But that's ridiculous.

Oh, and one other thing,

she told me to tell you not to get any silly ideas about an appeal.

I see.

You don't want an appeal because you won the case and you're afraid

an appeal may go against you.

Oh, don't be such a dope.

I don't care about the case.

I just don't want to see you making a fool of yourself.

She's made a big enough fool of you already.

I don't believe a word you say.

You'll be telling me next that she drives around

in a chauffeur-driven Rolls-Royce with initials on the door.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

Just leave that for Miss Pilbright, will you, 'Arry?

Yes, madam. Thank you.

Can I help you?

I have a note from Miss Pilbright, sir.

Oh, I'll take it, I'm going in.

Thank you very much, sir.

(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC)

(TENSE MUSIC)

Where to, madam?

I'll have to stop some petrol.

Home, 'Arry, the lads want to see their dad, bless 'em.

(GLADYS SIGHING)

All right, then.

If you don't believe me, go up north and see for yourself.

Oh, hello.

I like that bit about humiliating counsel.

Good, meaty stuff.

Frances, I think he you oughta know, your uncle's asked me to see him.

Is he upset?

I shouldn't think he's been so upset since he was embraced

in open court by one of his clients.

(CHUCKLES)

A welterweight boxer, if I remember.

This note is for you.

Oh, thank you.

I took it from a chauffer outside.

A chauffer?

Mm, driving a thumping great Rolls.

Were there initials on the door, Mr Sutcliffe?

Uh, yes.

Who was inside?

A woman, middle aged, wearing a fur coat.

What kind?

Well, not rabbit, mink I should say.

Now, would you think very carefully before you answer, sir.

Was there anybody else inside?

Yes, four little bastards eating ice cream.

You're quite sure?

Well, I'm sure they were eating ice cream, whether they were...

Uh, yes, they are.

Uh, could you describe this woman?

Not possibly.

Her diamonds were flashing in my eyes too much.

What is this?

Oh, I'm sorry, Peter.

But can we forget about the appeal?

Oh, but you...

As far as I'm concerned, the Pudney case is closed.

Sir John is quite ready for you, Mr Sutcliffe.

All right, thank you.

(DOOR CLOSING)

Now, don't take it too hard.

You couldn't have known.

Oh, I did so want to see justice done.

Yes, I know.

Still, in a way it has been, hasn't it?

Now, what about a nice sewage brief to take your mind off things?

No, thank you.

Ooh, it's a good one.

Oozing over half the county.

No, thank you.

Its sprinklers are bunged up right to the eyebrows.

No, thank you.

Monstrous behaviour.

Disgraceful, of course,

but there's no need to disbar them, surely, Harry.

Well, I know she's your niece

and your goddaughter, Sutcliffe.

And precious lightly you seem to have taken your duties,

if I may say so.

She practically called me an ass in my own court.

I can't think what came over them,

can you, Peter?

Well, I think she feels very strongly about the case

and he feels very strongly about her.

Very attracted, like a wasp on the jam pot.

Yes, we'll leave wasps out of this.

What about her?

Well, I'd say if she wore a collar, she'd be hot under it.

I don't care if they both bed down in the Old Bailey,

but I will not have them behaving like that in my court.

And I demand they be disciplined.

Oh, well, we'll have 'em up here and see what they've got to say.

And so you see, My Lord, Mrs Pudney,

Mrs Hanley, as she is now,

completely misled Miss Pilbright and me.

And if I may say so, My Lord, with all do respect,

Your Lordship as well.

And as, Your Lordship,

and here again I speak with respect,

obligingly gave judgement against her.

She has successfully achieved a gross miscarriage of justice.

It would seem like it, eh, Harry?

Now should Miss Pilbright

and I have to appear

in front of our benches for disciplinary action

as Your Lordship has most understandably suggested

for our inexcusable bad manners,

for which we apologise most profoundly, My Lord.

Do we not, Miss Pilbright?

Oh yes, yes, we do!

Well then, My Lord,

I think it inevitable that

Miss Pilbright and I

would be forced to explain certain facets

of the Pudney case to them.

And I rather doubt, My Lord, speaking again with respect,

if these facets, containing as they do, certain elements

of the ridiculous would remain confidential.

Confidential?

It'd be all around the bar in no time.

You are suggesting,

and surprisingly ably for you, Mr Stevens,

that there has been a miscarriage of justice in my court,

but there are times when a judge is well aware

that he is not in full possession of the facts

because counsel is not in full possession of them either.

It may surprise you, but at moments like these,

he uses his common sense.

He asks himself,

"Would this little woman really want

to be married to a scoundrel like Sydney Pudney?"

Would she, Stevens?

Good Lord, no, sir.

And now, Miss Pilbright,

when a judge hears a case brought without one vestige evidence,

he asks himself,

"why bring a case which is obviously going to be lost?"

And the answer to that, Miss Pilbright,

is that the plaintiff wishes to lose the case.

When I gave judgement against Mrs Pudney,

I was fully aware that I was doing so to her benefit,

which you so greatly had at heart, Miss Pilbright.

I trust you follow me.

Yes, yes, My Lord.

Good!

Then you may both of you realise

the law is not quite such an ass as you thought.

Quick thinking, Harry.

I understand also, Stevens

that this would be a peculiarly disagreeable time

for you to be disbarred

as you're contemplating matrimony

with your learned friend.

If this be the case,

I might be disposed to be a little more lenient.

Well, well, My Lord, I hadn't got that... (MUMBLES)

You are

contemplating marriage with learned counsel, are you not?

With all due respect, My Lord,

that is a leading question.

It was meant to be.

Yes.

Just a moment.

I don't know that I approve of this.

These are my chambers, this is my niece,

and this is one of my juniors

whom I happen to know hasn't got a bob

except what he digs up out of sewers.

In that case, it's time you recognise talent

and gave him something more substantial to work on.

Anybody who can stand up to a judge like he did today,

deserves to be taken out of sewers

and stuck on top of the heap, as it were.

For the petrol, 'Arry.

Thank you, Madam.

(WHEELS SCREECHING)

(HORN BLARING)

'Ere, that's a nice bit a junk

as the monkey said to the Chinese sailor.

Oh, Sid, look at that coat.

Why don't you get me one like that?

Whoever's inside that must have won the Sweepstake.

I wish you'd win something.

Ah, shut up, I'm doing all right.

Gladys?

Hello, Sid.

Is this lot yours?

Aye, that's right.

What, all of it?

That's right, Sid.

I dunno what to say.

Don't you?

Well, why don't you try asking that monkey of yours?

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

GLADYS: All right, 'Arry, home.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

(PEARL LAUGHING)