Original subtitles

[handling microphone]

[muttering]

[coughs]

Okay, so this is the second week of filming, and--

Oh, man!

[handling equipment]

Okay, flip it around.

No? All right.

Batteries in.

All right.

So...

- it's the second week of-- - [buzzing]

Come on. Really?

- [buzz] - [groans]

Shoo!

Beat it, fly.

- Good morning, Lester. - Good morning.

- [knocks] - Hester!

Wakey, wakey.

Hester?

Hester.

Hester, it's check day.

Get some air in here.

Aw, you look very peaceful.

Hessy?

Hessy-- Uh-oh.

Dudes, we gotta get rid of the donuts,

and get this stuff called Johnny Cake.

Right? 'Cause-- What is it?

- What's going on? - Uh-oh.

- What's the deal? - She's dead.

- Yep. - What?

Um, uh, no, no.

She's old, and she's sleeping really, really hard.

No, she's dead.

- Oh, crap, Annabelle. - Oh, no.

Someone's gotta go tell Annabelle before she comes in--

Good morning, everybody.

Is something wrong?

Is there something wrong with Aunt Hessy?

Oh, no!

- Aunt Hessy? - I am so sorry.

She lived a very, very long life.

She's shuffled off this mortal coil.

And she wrote a beautiful book, which will last forever.

This is getting good.

And she died peacefully in her sleep,

which is all that we could ever ask for when we die, right?

I know all that. I know.

What do we do about the movie?

♪♪

Jerry is one of the few people willing to hear your pitch

who can actually get the money to make this movie.

- I know. - You better not screw this up.

- I'm not gonna screw it up. - Look at me.

Smile.

Let's do it.

- Hey! - Oh, it's so good to see you!

- You look great! - Thanks.

- You feel good, too! - Okay, behave.

- You're old, and that's gross. - So, the director.

Osric Taylor, writer-director extraordinaire.

And Osric did that commercial you loved so much last year.

With the chickens.

That was you?

That was me.

Oh, God.

They went and did it.

The maniacs went and did it!

They've flame-roasted it! For the love of God!

♪ Uncle Benny's Chicken Shack ♪

[laughs]

- That was hilarious. - Thank you.

It was supposed to be ironic.

It was hilarious.

- Okay. - See? I told you.

Osric is the real deal.

Okay. Well, Ollie--

- Osric. - Let's see what you got.

All right.

Hamlet.

And in kind of like an homage to Gone with the Wind,

we fade out on Fortinbras against a darkening sky.

[snap]

How many explosions?

- Cannonballs don't really ex-- - Five.

- Make it ten. - Ten.

I like that slo-mo, fast-mo stuff, like in 300.

- Done. - Who's handling it?

Johnny Depp likes it, as long as he has cast approval.

If he steps away, Casey Affleck.

Nah, I don't like Depp for this.

I think Affleck would be perfect for this film.

- Yeah. - What's your budget?

Streamline, 42 million.

Make it 24.

Okay, here's what we got--

No, we can do it. We'll cut that second act battle scene.

That's the Battle of Antietam.

Combine some characters together.

- Shakespeare. - Explosions.

Lots of explosions.

We can make it work.

You can make this movie for 24 million?

Yes.

- Yes? - Yes.

- Yes! - Yes!

- All right! - All right.

How you doing? Osric Taylor here

with world-famous producer Kate Spangler, everybody.

You're not going to record every minute detail of this, are you?

No, no. Not every minute detail.

It's just Jerry said he wanted a bunch of behind-the-scenes stuff

for the DVD package and, you know, all that.

This is ridiculous. You should've listened to me.

We should've went location scouting during the day.

No, Hamlet's a ghost story.

Wanted to see it when it was dark and gloomy.

There's a swamp right here. How--

Oh, my God! What was that?

I don't know. What did you hit?

I don't know. I don't think I hit anything.

Oh, my God! What was that?

What was that? I don't-- I don't know.

Oh, my God!

- What happened? - Oh, crap.

I think something took a bite out of this tire.

Oh, my God! What was that?

Oh, my God! It's an alligator!

No, Kate, don't run! Didn't you see Jurassic Park?

Whoop!

- [gator roars] - Aw, crap!

Kate, are you okay?

- Did you get that? - Most of it.

Did you get me falling in the mud?

That'd surely make this making-of a classic!

No, Kate, listen.

Well, this is the address they gave us.

[knocks]

Hello, hello!

Welcome to Twin Forks. Come on in, honey.

Hi, I'm Osric Tay--

Oh, my goodness, you poor thing!

My stars! Whatever happened to you?

Did you fall and go splat?

What do you think?

Well, I think you did

because you're all muddy,

and you've lost your pretty manners.

Uh, I-I'm Osric Taylor.

- Oh, how do you do? - Hello.

Are you filming already?

Yeah, it's the behind-the-scenes.

Oh, well, I guess so. All right, come on in.

I want to show you my beautiful home here.

Look at this.

This is what we call the grand hallway.

You have got a beautiful house, Miss Beauchamps.

Oh, thank you so much.

The staircase there, you see,

has beautiful paintings all the way up.

Hello. Welcome to Twin Forks.

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da ♪

Annabelle. Uh...

She's got...

Darling, this is Miss Spangler.

Get the dear lady some towels so she can clean up, would you?

Oh, sure thing. Y'all just wait right here,

and I'll be right back.

- Sweet girl. - Annabelle is my niece.

Well, actually, she's my great-niece,

but that makes me feel so old, so...

Sometimes I call her my sister.

That is a great book. It's a classic.

The Sudden Dawn is my favorite book.

Thank you very much.

No.

You're Helene Beauchamps?

Uh-huh.

In 1963, Helene Beauchamps,

known privately as Hester Beauchamps,

wrote the American Pulitzer Prize-winning novel,

The Sudden Dawn,

only to vanish into obscurity, never to write again.

Yes, I thought that "Helene" sounded sexier than "Hester."

Oh, my God.

Well, you know she's an author.

And being a producer, I meet famous people all the time,

so it's not like I'm starstruck.

I must've read The Sudden Dawn a dozen times.

I mean, oh, my God, when Tuck finally returns

and surprises Sophia in the greenhouse?

Oh, that is so romantic.

Oh, thank you, darling.

But why did you stop writing?

Well, you know, the book was all about falling in love.

After my dear husband, Mr. Beauchamps,

after he died, well, there was just nothing to write about.

- Wow. - Mr. Taylor,

do you want a tour of the house?

Okay.

Let's take a tour of the house.

Wow. This house is amazing.

Well, Twin Forks is part of the underground railroad.

There's secret passages all over the house.

And here's my Aunt Hessy's bedroom.

Look at this room.

So, Mr. Taylor,

would you like me to show you one of these passageways?

- Uh, maybe later. - Aw, come on!

Don't you want to be amazed?

Uh...

Surprise, surprise!

So they pulled you into this nonsense, too, huh, Annabelle?

I just wanted to play with the camera.

You know, they might shoot a movie here, Edgar!

Yeah, maybe.

Osric, this is Edgar Mortimer.

He is my attorney, my business manager,

and he is the district attorney of Bethulia Parish.

This is Louisiana, and I'm a Louisiana lawyer.

Do you get me?

I smell a rat in here.

Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, sir.

What exactly are you telling me?

I just got through about half of this script,

and I'm telling you, the story is a real yawn.

I think we ought to put the brakes on this thing.

Jerry, we are already here right now.

Look, I've already shuffled the money to another project.

Jerry, you cannot do this to me!

Don't worry about it. Listen.

The kid is hilarious.

I mean, let's not forget the chicken commercial.

Fine. Fine!

Uh, what was that?

- It's over. - What do you mean?

- The movie, it's done. - They pulled the plug?

Yes! I've two years into this thing,

and it's dead.

We need to go. I am so sorry.

Your home is so beautiful.

It'd be great to shoot here, but it's just not gonna work.

Please, you can't leave!

You've got to shoot the movie here!

No, we gotta go.

I need that camera back.

Perhaps I could lend you the money.

- No, Hester, that-- - Do you have $24 million?

- No, I was thinking $300,000. - What? No, Hester.

- 300,000. - 300,000?

If Annabelle could be in the picture.

- Auntie, stop. - She's an excellent actress.

You are not throwing your good money

after some foolish Hollywood movie.

Who would even pay to see a movie about Shakespeare?

Exactly, and with a budget like that,

it'd be some stupid, dumbass zombie movie.

- Zombie? - No, wait, wait.

Wait a minute. Yeah, think about it.

Okay?

Zombies are hot! You know?

And it's kind of where Shakespeare was going anyway.

All that Team Edward, Team Jacob stuff.

Those are vampires.

This is insane.

No, Kate, listen. I mean, think about it. Picture it.

Okay, you got Hamlet,

then you take the Civil War,

and then you throw in some zombies.

- Here come the zombies! - This is so exciting.

We're here at the moment of creation.

We open like Kubrick.

Or maybe we go with more of a sweeping majesty,

like Spielberg would do it.

Doubt truth to be a lie, but never doubt my love.

[growling]

Angels and ministers of Christ, defend us!

The heck with that! Let's make some money.

We want Michael Bay.

Ophelia! Behind you!

[imitates explosion]

My, oh, my!

Those ideas are great!

But how are you gonna do it, Osric?

Uh, well, I'd have to find my own approach.

I'm sure it'd be amazing.

Edgar, draw up the contract.

For what? You can't afford to produce a movie.

Well, I can't afford not to.

This movie is gonna be so exciting!

Yeah, I think this is gonna work.

This climactic battle scene, okay?

So we're gonna have Hamlet,

and he's taking his zombie army, and he's marching--

- Uh, no. - What do you mean, no?

We have a budget for eight, maybe ten extras if we're lucky.

Look.

Are you folding my storyboard?

Yeah.

That works.

[sighs]

Okay, don't get frustrated, throwing pencils.

You're the one that agreed to do a zombie movie.

No, I agreed to do Hamlet.

Uh, and zombies are just kind of a component of Hamlet.

It's a zombie Hamlet. It's Zombie Hamlet.

- It's a zombie Hamlet take. - It's Zombie Hamlet.

I already know what the DVD cover's gonna look like!

Yeah.

Yeah.

[knocking]

Oh, geez!

- Is that a zombie? - Yeah, I think so.

No, hey! Hold on, guys!

My name's Lester. I'm friends with Annabelle.

I'm the new makeup guy.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you.

I'm just trying to--

Uh...

Annabelle didn't call you, did she?

- No. - [chuckles]

You must think I'm crazy right now.

You're Osric Taylor, you're the Hollywood guy?

- Yeah. - Um, I'm Lester.

Just Lester and, uh--

Hold on. Let me get this junk off my face.

[laughs]

And, uh...

I want to be in your movie.

So what do you think of Lester?

I think you got a great energy.

Got a great energy. You're very, uh--

You know, just--

Well, when I first met you,

I actually thought you were mildly retarded.

I want to be in your movie.

I want to work in your movie.

I do makeup.

- Apparently. - Yeah.

Um...

He's not bad.

You gotta help me, man.

I mean, you gotta help me get outta here.

You gotta help me get out of Bethulia.

People here are endlessly hospitable,

and they treat me like I'm some sort of freak.

- Yeah. - Come on, man.

Look at the serendipity here.

We got zombies and Bethulia, and there's me and you,

and it's like fate or something.

Jesus wants this to happen.

All right, I'm cheap. I'll do it cheap.

- Okay, cheap's good. - Oh, yeah, cheap is--

Yeah!

Hah! [laughs]

I'm out of Bethulia!

But I'm gonna need you,

in addition to all the zombie makeup and everything else,

you're gonna need to do this behind-the-scenes kinda stuff.

Just take the camera, follow us around.

You know, that kind of thing.

It's not really-- It's not really my thing, though.

Okay, which way do you hold this thing?

Uh, the other way around. There you go.

Okay.

- No. - So you turn it on here.

- No, that's not it. - How do you turn it on?

It's already on, actually. You're rolling.

- Where's the focus on this? - It's right here.

And the zoom is there.

Ah!

- Rockin'. - You got it upside-down.

Yeah.

Who's this lady right here with the microphone and the--

That's Shine Reynolds.

♪♪

♪ Shine Reynolds ♪

That's right. It is time for everyone's

favorite gossip gal, Shine Reynolds.

That's right, Dan. and it looks like Tinseltown

is coming to our town.

And you know how I love tinsel.

Yes, I do.

Shine Reynolds, well, give us the scope!

- Scoop. - What?

Shine?

That's right, gang.

Hollywood has come to Bethulia.

Behind me,

local icon, Hester Beauchamps,

is giving the director

the first check for production.

My darling Osric, with my pleasure.

[laughs] Let the auditions begin!

Isn't that something?

Can't you just feel the thrill?

Oh, gosh! I think I'm coming down

with a little case of Hollywood fever.

Next!

Oh!

What a nobler mind o'erthrow...

Line?

O, what a noble mind is here o'erthrown.

The courtier's, soldier's, scholar's, eye, tongue, sword.

Oh!

What a nobler mind is here o'erthrown.

The courtier's, scholar's...

Line?

Thank you.

We're gonna call you when we're--

When we've made a decision.

And we appreciate all the protecting and all the serving.

Next!

Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio.

O, what a noble mind is here o'erthrown.

O, what a noble mind is here--

Wait, wait, wait.

- What? - Well, that's the part where...

Hamlet has behaved very badly,

and Ophelia is bemoaning her fate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get all that. I know.

We've cast Ophelia.

We've cast Ophelia already.

That's really what I was gonna say.

How-- How could you do that?

I&

Thank you very much.

And here hung those lips that I have kissed.

He should not kiss that pig.

Courtier's, soldier's, scholar's, eye, tongue, sword.

- The expectancy-- - Dude!

Seriously? Ophelia?

Yes, Ophelia.

Ophelia!

As it was in the Globe Theatre,

where the men played all the parts.

Okay, I understand all that.

I've done it before. I played Juliet in Romeo and Juliet.

You've got a be-- He's got a beard.

I can wax.

- Okay-- - We've cast Ophelia.

So you're going for Hollywood hackery.

We can probably fill some of the smaller parts locally,

but let's face facts.

They had a hard time finding a decent Hamlet in London.

- Hessy, hello. - Morning.

Hello, sisters.

Now we're still on for gin rummy, right?

You haven't gone all Hollywood on us?

Oh, well, yes, I have gone all Hollywood.

But I'm still up for gin rummy.

Well, you have your people call our people.

See you then. [giggling]

Bye-bye!

Now, Osric, darling, for your Hamlet,

Edgar is gonna want somebody at least a little bit famous.

Look! Speak of the devil, there's Edgar.

Say, Mr. Taylor. I'd like a word with you.

Step into the car.

Now, don't you harass the boy.

No, I just want to tell him what's what.

Um, I'll be all right.

All right.

Alone.

What? No. I'm documenting everything.

Uh, Lester, it's okay.

Okay, fine, but I want this to go on record

that it goes against all my documentarian codes.

What documentarian code you talkin' about, boy?

Two weeks ago, you was scrubbin' pigeon poop

off of William Claiborne's statue.

Now get your documentarian ass on outta here.

I-- Yeah.

If we can get him here, that would be great.

I've been knowing Hester for 50 years, and I love her.

I'll tell you something. If something was to happen to her,

if you was to hurt her even just a little bit,

boy, I'd have to take you down to the swamp,

cut your legs off,

cut your arms off, cut your feet off,

and introduce all sorts of strange things to your body.

[panting]

Dip you in meat sauce and feed you to the gators,

you understand me?

Wait a minute. Are you threatening me?

No, son, that's a promise. That ain't no threat.

Well, I'm actually recording this.

Well, record this, then.

This is Louisiana, and I'm a Louisiana lawyer,

and I can do any damn thing I want to do.

Must... keep... in... frame.

You hear me? Do you get me?

- Yeah, yeah. - You got it?

- I gotcha. - All right, then.

We got a good understanding. Now give me that damn phone!

[clattering]

Oh, look!

What the hell?

- Howdy, folks! - Oh, my!

Is that really you?

Zack Buckley.

I'm not hidin',

but you better start runnin'.

Howdy, folks.

You must be Osric.

Oh, it's a real movie star here in Bethulia!

Hey, Kate.

Um, Zack and I had a...

We had a pretty serious relationship.

Oh, you're so precious!

Big fan, big fan.

So I hear that you guys are doing Hamlet.

We are doing Hamlet. How did you--

How does he know that we're doing--

It's not precisely an old-fashioned Hamlet.

Exactly. I mean, exactly, all right?

Not old-fashioned, but new.

Zombie, all right?

I've been waiting to do Hamlet for years, right?

But I never had that unique take on it,

and that's-- that's my thing.

All right, I take a part, and I make it mine.

He does very well at that, too.

You know, and this is it. Hamlet, all right?

Hamlet, zombie. Zombie Hamlet.

- Think about it. - Yeah.

- Are you thinking about it? - Yep.

No, really, though. Are you thinking about it?

I'm thinking about it. Yeah.

So usually Hamlet is on the side of the dead, all right?

And his father's a ghost.

This is literally of the dead.

Well, the undead. You get my drift, right?

That's great stuff.

The thing is, I'm sorry. We can't afford you.

I work for scale, bro.

You just have to fill out this form for the IRS

because, well, they get 95% of everything I make.

Bastards.

- Well, I vote yes. - Okay.

Well, it's just-- The thing, Hester, is, uh...

that's the usually the kind of role Zack Buckley does.

- He's usually more of a-- - Who cares?

Are you kiddin' me? With him in the movie,

at least we know we get this pipe dream released.

Zack.

You got to at least let him audition.

Uh, all right.

Zack Buckley doing Shakespeare.

I could play any part. You know what?

Matter of fact, dude, I should play multiple parts.

Yeah? Hmm...

I can even play Polonius.

Kate, can you play Ophelia?

Okay.

Excuse me.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be...

Loan oft loses itself and friends,

and borrowing dulls the edges of husbandry.

- Okay-- - Great, fantastic.

[clapping continues]

Uh, Zack, can you let us talk for a minute?

- Just kinda... - I'll just go over there.

I can't believe you called him.

- We are dying here. - He's your ex-boyfriend.

Oh, come on. I'm completely over him.

We are done, and we've moved on,

and that's that.

Uh, if I was gonna pick the worst actor to play Hamlet?

Uh, Hulk Hogan.

Close second would be... Zack Buckley.

Here's the deal.

Either you hire him, or I'll hire him.

And I'll fire you, too.

Oh!

We found our Hamlet!

[clapping]

[excited chatter]

Is my-- Is my mic on? Hello?

We have, uh, me shooting life,

shooting art, which is...

If you follow that, I'm shooting--

I'm life shooting art,

and art is being created in Zombie Hamlet.

So if you want to look at it like that,

then yes, life imitates art.

♪♪ [rock]

- You ready, Lester? - Oh, yeah! Totally ready.

Showtime.

I was just outside shooting all kinds of stuff.

- Pardon me. - Yeah.

Have you read this?

Of course I have. I wrote it.

- Figures. - Rifle.

How are we supposed to get our money back

if nobody understands what the hell the actors are saying?

It's Shakespeare.

It's true, it's Shakespeare.

People have certain expectations.

Tell you what, then.

Take out all the talky-talky stuff,

then it might be okay.

It's Shakespeare!

Not yet, it isn't, hmm?

You hear me? Do you get me?

Uh, I think I might have a solution, gentlemen.

'Tis now the very witching time of night,

when the churchyards yawn

and hell itself breathes contagion to this world.

Sir, that father comes hence.

Nay! Not my father.

Pray, my mother's husband,

a little less than kin and more than kind.

Nay, thou father!

[growling]

Hamlet!

Father?

And cut! That was great. Perfect.

Uh, we're gonna go.

Bravo, bravo!

Wonderful, everybody.

Well, sometimes as a producer,

we say things to get ourselves out of a bind.

And then it just ends up being really, really, really terrible.

O, what a noble mind is here.

O'erthrown by zombie madness!

The courtier's, soldier's, scholar's--

- Hey, Annabelle. - Hey, Lester.

- How are you? - I'm good.

You know, they're shooting my big scene today.

- Yes! - Annabelle, come on.

- We gotta get you into makeup. - Okay, okay.

- Well, wish me luck, Lester. - Good luck, Annabelle.

- And so, this-- - Lester!

- Yes? - Makeup.

- Okay. - That's you.

That is me, that is me.

♪♪ [rock]

Action!

I say, to a cemetery.

Go.

O, what noble mind is here o'erthrown by zombie madness.

Eye, tongue, sword.

The expectancy.

So, Kate, hey!

How did, uh, Annabelle do in her big scene?

She was interesting.

- Oh, got some conflict here. - Hey, Lester.

Hey, man, you got your check, yet?

Now, you know they put a three-week hold on my check.

Yea, mine, too. What's up with that?

Let's ask Kate.

- Hey, Kate! - Yeah, Kate!

So, Hester has invited us up for a late night chat,

so I'm going to film this as artistically as possible.

We start with the establishing shot,

as we crossfade into the Citizen Kane angle.

Lester, you don't have to get all fancy.

It's just a making-of documentary.

No, the documentarian follows his instincts.

Okay.

Annabelle, would you serve me my voodoo juice?

Uh, can I ask you what that's for?

May I take a look at it real quick?

Wow! What-- What is in there?

Oh, bayou herbs, voodoo magic,

and, um, absinthe.

Hand it to me, darling.

I just want to tell you, Osric.

Now, I know that you will make a brilliant film

if you find yourself along the way.

Wow.

Thank you.

Annabelle, hit me again.

Hester.

- What's going on? - Uh-oh.

- What's the deal? - She's dead.

- Yep. - I know dead, dude.

I played eleven assassins and two serial killers.

Are you sure you gave her the right medicine last night?

What?

I didn't give her the medicine. She took her own medicine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No need to get defensive, dude.

I'm not getting defensive.

There's nothing to get defensive about, right?

Morning, everybody.

Is there something wrong with Aunt Hessy?

Oh, no!

- Aunt Hessy? - I am so sorry.

She's shuffled off this mortal coil.

I know, I know all that, I know.

But what do we do about the movie?

Bethulia Gators, 27,

Montgomery Swamp Rats, 12.

And that's it for sports.

Now for a story about dropping the ball,

with Shine Reynolds. Pam?

Well, that's right, Dan. It seems that, uh...

Shine Reynolds missed the big story

when action-movie star Zack Buckley came to town.

Let's see if she can hit the mark on her next story.

This is the first day

of the second week of filming,

and we are gonna bring it all to you.

I've got something that I'm sure they're gonna love.

So we're just gonna go surprise them.

How 'bout that? Come on.

We need to think fast.

Without Hessy's money, it's over.

Hey, what's this?

There's something back here, guys.

- It's a check. - How much?

$100,000.

It's the second week's check. Of course.

Look, this is a sign.

She would want us to finish. I know it.

Guys, Edgar would kick us out and lock the mansion down

as soon as he found out that she was gone.

When he finds out she's gone.

- Turn it off! - Not a chance in hell!

- Where you going? - No way!

Give me the camera, Lester!

I'm a documentarian, and this is my life's calling.

I had to show you how to use the focus!

Think of all the DVDs we're gonna sell with this footage.

You can't show this to anyone.

Not before we start the marketing push for opening week.

What?

I'm just gonna go right in.

Why? Because that's what I do.

Okay. Okay, this is what we're gonna do.

We're gonna tell everybody that she's sick,

and no one's gonna notice what's going on

with all the moviemaking stuff,

and then as soon as we wrap,

we'll just discover the body,

and then we'll call the cops.

Why do I have the sinking feeling you've done this before?

Oh, stop it! Just stay focused.

Okay. Let's say we did this awful, awful thing.

Um, what do we do with her earthly remains?

Put her in a freezer. Then it'll be hard to figure out

the T.O.D.

- What? - The time of death.

- I did it in Bangkok Bullet. - Of course you did.

As soon as I get the T.O.D.,

you're going down, girl.

- You'll never get the T.O.D. - Why is that?

Because the body been in the freezer too long.

All right, look, you see? We're good.

Guys, this is becoming a farce.

I'm sorry, but Annabelle was right.

Hester would not care where her body spends the next three days

if it meant that we get to finish making Zombie Hamlet.

We're doing this for her.

Hester!

- Hester. - Hester.

Go, Hester!

Wait, I'll grab her--

I don't care how good Zombie Hamlet is.

My documentary's gonna be amazing!

We'll gently put her in the freezer, Annabelle,

and we'll be really careful with her.

It's a big freezer, okay?

Let's just get this movie done.

Okay, Annabelle, I need you to move everything--

Hey, there you are.

Well, what's rockin'?

Shine, what are you doing here?

I have got to speak to your director.

I have an offer of a lifetime. Oh, yeah.

Oh, there is our director.

Hi. Morning.

Is there something wrong?

No! No, it's our first day off, so everything--

We're all just really frazzled, you know.

- A lot of dailies. - Oh, well, sure.

- Listen to this. - Okay.

I convinced my station

to hire a whole crew

to come in and film your last week.

Oh, um...

Great press, lots of publicity. It'll be fabulous.

That sounds so great, but we can't do it 'cause, uh...

- Closed set. - Because it's a closed set.

We're closing the set.

That doesn't really make sense.

No, it does 'cause we can't-- The crew---

We can't confuse the crew with too many-- too many cameras.

Do you want to fail?

What?

I mean, zombies, Hamlet,

Civil War thing.

Then no one can blame you if you fail.

Look, you are way off the mark, dude.

- Dude? - Yes, this man is creating art.

He has stretched Billy S. beyond the grave

and into a mortal undead.

Billy S.?

All right, look, you are out of touch, lady.

And how could you know Shakespeare?

All you play are hitmen and serial killers.

How about Macbeth?

M-M-Macbeth?

Macbeth!

Macbeth!

Iago.

Totally. A serial killer nowadays.

- Totally. - Totally.

Richard III.

Don't even get me started talking about Richard III.

Exactly, dude! I mean, that's what I'm sayin'.

Yeah, yeah, okay.

All right.

So in that vein,

we're gonna get back to work,

so if you could, uh, uh, uh, just go.

It's time to go.

- What? - Uh, yeah, just--

We gotta get to-- Just see if--

It's the front door. That way.

Uh, thank you. It's always good to see you.

- Come on, Scott. - Bye, Scott.

I'm going.

All right, bye, guys.

No, no. Don't turn around. Just keep going.

- When you go-- - I know how to go out!

Okay, okay.

[door closes]

- Wow. - What?

Okay, you guys empty the freezer and, uh...

Uh, Zack, thank you.

Okay. Okay.

Oh, crap. You think you could throw one at a time?

Okay.

Well, things are working out pretty good so far, huh?

What are you talkin' about?

Well, no financier interference, right?

Good thing you gave her the wrong juice.

I didn't give her the wrong juice!

- [knocking] - Crap.

Hello?

Nuns.

The nuns. The nuns! Nuns!

They're here to play gin rummy with Aunt Hessy. Crap.

Okay, Zack, you take her back upstairs.

Annabelle, just make 'em go away.

I can't! They've been coming every Thursday.

They're gonna want to see Aunt Hessy.

Okay, Zack, go distract the nuns!

Lester, Lester, you and Annabelle

take Osric upstairs and put him in Hester's old wig

and then get in bed, you'll wave to the nuns.

They'll see that you're fine, and they'll leave.

- What? - Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Why does he get to play Hester, when I'm the actor?

Fine. Show me.

Y'all want some okra?

Well, I didn't have time to prepare.

- Go! - Absolutely not!

- [door opens] - Hessy! Hessy!

Hello, ladies. Welcome to Hester's house.

Glad you could come.

Okay. You're gonna want to get this, Lester.

This is awesome.

How much further is it?

Oh, good! Lipstick. Flip your wig. It's backwards.

I don't know how to flip a wig!

Yes, you do. Oh, God, close that down!

I don't know anything about wigs!

Why do you keep doing that? Lester, why won't you help us?

Because I'm a documentarian, and you know I don't interfere.

- Oh, shut up! - Okay.

- It's really heavy. - Okay.

How do I look? How do I look?

I can't comment on that.

That's it right there.

That's from a samurai sword with some ninjas.

Too late!

Osric, get in the bed and be Hester!

Stop complaining.

Fan! Oh, sorry.

Keep goin', ladies, keep goin'.

Oh, my...

Holy wig--

Oh, sorry. I hurt myself. Sorry.

Are we going to be in the movie?

No. This is just the making-of documentary, Sister Mercy.

Well, that still counts.

I'm ready for my close-up.

Oh, dear. How are you, Hester?

Hester, feeling under the weather?

Does she have a cold?

Shouldn't we call a doctor or something?

You know how these things can move into your chest.

Osric has laryngitis.

Oh, by "Osric", I mean "Hester."

And, um, he-- she--

Hester will be all better by tomorrow.

Of course, dear,

We just wanted to check on you.

Now, we'll let you alone, so you can get your rest, dear.

All right, chop chop! Everyone out!

Hester needs her rest.

Sister has spoken.

I can't believe this is working.

- Lester, move along. - You, too.

The nuns have left the building.

Okay, everyone, coast is clear.

Do not drop my aunt.

I'm not gonna drop her, but she's already dead.

Depends on the angle. You've got her at angle, Zack.

I have her butt.

Annabelle, open the freezer.

All right. Okay, guys, we gotta get back to work.

Let's just focus on getting our movie made.

- Hello. - Oh, sh--

Oh, steaks.

Are we havin' a barbecue?

- Mm-- - No.

- Yeah. - Yes.

No, yes, what?

You, um, look like the cat that just ate the canary.

What's going on here? You're up to something, mister.

No. That's-- No, no. Well, no.

Now, I smell a rat. There's something going on here.

No!

I'm pretty sure you have an anti-Hollywood-ism here.

- What? - There's an "ism."

- A what? - Cultural-ism.

Movie star-ism.

Don't tell me about "isms."

I know all about "isms," okay?

Now you people got me speaking this crap.

- You people? - You people?

Wow.

I'm going up to say hello to Hessy.

Uh, nope, no, no.

You can't 'cause I talked to her just now, just recently.

I was just up there, and she said she was plum tuckered.

She said she was gonna be in bed all day.

- Yeah, she's resting. - All day.

Alone.

Well, I got a trial up in Shreveport anyways,

so I gotta get up there.

You just tell her I hope she feels better and soon.

Okay, bye-bye. I hope you win.

Have you seen Auntie Hester's new flowers out front?

- No, I haven't. - They're gorgeous.

I'm sure they are.

[screaming]

Kate, I found Osric. Over here.

Osric, what are you doing?

Well, that's a good question, Kate.

What are we doing? 'Cause we're gonna get caught.

Don't you go all soft on me.

Soft? We just hid a dead body

from the district attorney.

I know you're getting upset,

but the truth is everything is just fine.

On what planet is everything fine, Kate?

Our financier just keeled over and died.

The lady cutting the checks, she's dead.

Okay, well, maybe not everything.

But they all think that Hester's alive,

so all we really need to do is just get everyone together

and finish making the movie.

What movie?

I mean, I--

I don't know what--

I don't even know what movie we're shooting.

Osric, do you trust me?

It's--

Okay, I don't care if you trust me.

You have 10 hours to figure it out.

We have a 6 a.m. call time.

Get it done.

I, uh-- If I did interfere, I'd agree with Kate.

Well, Shine Reynolds has either gone off the deep end,

or she's on her way to a local news Emmy.

Well, that's right, Dan.

Reminds me a little of Martin Sheen in Acapulco Now.

Gosh, I don't understand that reference at all.

It's "Apocalypse."

Oh, Dan, it's not that bad. I just don't get it.

That's--

Never mind. Shine?

Shine Reynolds here, incognito,

to show you the real behind-the-scenes dirt

on these pretentious Hollywood dirtbags.

I will show you

the unvarnished truth

that they are nothing but

a bunch of self-absorbed,

vindictive narcissists

clinging to their faded youth.

No one crosses Shine Reynolds.

No one.

The filming marches on and troubles mount

as this young director struggles to find his vision.

So, look, I'm just gonna take

a little, little bite, all right?

Just to get into the mind where Hamlet is at.

Zack, no eating the zombies.

Don't eat the zombies. Thank you.

Dude, Hamlet is struggling with the siren lore of zombiehood.

Our insurance doesn't cover eating the extras.

I don't make the-- I don't make the rules.

All right.

Let's go. Picture's up!

Okay, and action!

[growling]

To not to be...

or to not, not to be?

That is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind

to suffer slings and arrows

or to hold arms...

- against a sea of troubles. - Gator! Gator!

- Gator. - Everybody, gator!

What? I hate gators!

- I'm outta here! - This is funny!

[laughs] It's okay.

- Cut! - It's just Hillary.

She won't hurt you.

What the hell's wrong with you people?

We're running around getting chased by gators,

and we're not even getting paid for this.

Yeah, we'd like to help you with your stupid zombie movie,

but we need money!

Wait, what do you mean, money?

- What do you mean? Kate, what-- - Don't worry about that.

- They're not getting paid? - You know what?

Don't worry about that, okay?

Worry about how you're supposed to get a movie

out of all this crap.

I'm not here. Just keep talking.

Zack, calm down! Zack, calm yourself.

So we're hiding a dead body.

That reporter, she's on to us.

The crew quit.

Zack! Zack!

I don't think Osric's finishing this movie.

I want you to relax!

The evening sky,

darkening like the filmmaker's soul.

Lester, what are you doing?

Oh, hey, Kate. Uh, nothing.

Oh, that's good.

Well, you can help me get some stuff out of my trunk.

Sweet! We having a party?

If I can't pay the crew,

at least I can keep them distracted.

[cheering]

Okay, so we just found Osric out back.

- Hi, Osric! - What?

I see you're not at the party.

- How you doin'? - Fine.

Come on, boss.

You're supposed to bare your soul into the camera.

Yeah, all right, all right. Um...

It's just I'm, uh...

Wondering if you're getting anything

the world will want to see.

- Yeah. - Okay.

Well, I'm getting some pretty awesome stuff.

It's raw, it's crazy, it's real.

Hey, y'all.

Well, hello, Annabelle.

Is that shoofly pie?

You gotta keep up your strength.

Thank you.

Do you wanna-- You wanna see yourself?

- Kinda. - Yeah.

To not to be...

I like how you're putting in all the footage.

Yeah, I might be onto something here.

It's just everyone on set keeps laughing,

like we're making some sort of comedy.

You know, I'm sure you'll find your muse.

You know what you should do?

You should put some of Shine's footage in here.

It would really bring it together.

What do you mean?

She's just been runnin' around playin' paparazzi.

- With her camera? - Yeah.

Is she gonna come back?

Well, yeah. I mean, she's Shine.

Okay, I guess I gotta be Hessy again tonight

in case she comes back.

Uh, can you help me?

The shooting day is over,

but a documentarian's work is nev--

Whoa.

What are you up to, Zack?

Is this another plot revealed?

Let's go find out.

It's a ninja cameraman's secret weapon.

All right, which way is up?

Zack, what are you--

Oh, a little on-set romance.

What Hollywood story would be complete without one?

This is good stuff.

Let's see what other stories are unfolding at Twin Forks.

Okay, Annabelle just went in Hester's room with Osric.

Is this another on-set romance blooming?

You know you're doing it all wrong.

Just let me do it.

This is going to be excellent.

I actually thought I was getting pretty good at this.

No.

Okay, they're here.

You know, I really wanted to thank you so much.

Uh, yeah, sure.

Annabelle and Hester.

- Osric, deliver me. - Uh...

What are they--

I can finally be a woman!

Take me now!

Oh [bleep]

Annabelle, Annabelle.

"I'm a maid at your window

wanting to be your valentine."

- That's good, except-- - Okay, then?

This is the scoop I was looking for.

It's inappropriate for a director to--

Wow!

Should we be film--

- No, no, this is serious. - [knocking]

- Hessy! - [knocking continues]

- Hessy! - Oh, no.

You in there?

You know what day it is?

It's Tuesday.

Ready or not, here I come.

Lay down!

Oh, you poor baby.

That flu must've really knocked you down.

Don't you worry.

Ol' Edgar's gonna keep you nice and warm, baby.

Now it's a threesome.

Oh, Hessy, don't you worry about me catching that flu, baby.

I don't mind a little flu for a little sweet potato pie.

Mmm, Hessy. You know something, Hessy?

Your voice sound kinda funny.

Just let me lay my head on your ample bosom.

What happened? What happened?

You got Peeping Toms out here!

Come on, we gotta get out of here!

Go on! Get away from here, you perverts!

I'll get my shotgun to take care of your ass.

Hey, you! You pervert!

Go ahead and run, you piece of trash!

You just stay here, and I'll handle it, okay?

Okay.

Bye, Edgar. Bye!

He's coming back.

- We gotta move Hester. - Gotta move Hester.

- Where'd she go? - Oh, no. This ain't good.

- What? - She's gone.

- That's impossible. - Oh, my God.

- Who took her? - Okay, if she's gone,

that means someone knows what we're doin' here.

We should be expecting the blackmail note anytime now.

Zack, there are no blackmailers.

Listen, I've dealt with blackmail

in seven different movies.

The trick is just get crazy on 'em.

Battle stations, everyone!

Let's get crazy on these blackmailers.

Giving in to the blackmailers is just what they'll expect.

Let's do something crazy!

We must turn our minds towards insanity

to defeat these blackmailers.

It's time to give these crazy blackmailers

a taste of their own crazy medicine!

Hoo-ha!

As your mayor, we're gonna get crazy on these blackmailers.

Blackmailers at 2:00!

Roll torpedo one with a shitload of crazy!

[Speaking French]

We can worry about that later. We just gotta finish the movie.

We gotta go 24-7, all right?

- That might be a problem. - Tell the crew--

What? Why is it a problem?

Because the crew is pissed at us because their checks bounced,

because the checks that Hester gave us bounced.

You're just telling me this now?

It's been a really elastic week.

Okay, we turn the tables on the blackmailers,

and we have them rob a bank.

Zack, there's no blackmailers! We're not robbing a bank!

- Dude! - Okay.

This is the indecisiveness that Hamlet warned us about.

Kate, how did these checks bounce? What happened?

Well, the bank said something about

the funds being in the wrong account.

Well, then we could just go transfer it.

There! Easy, done.

Hester has to be there in person to transfer the funds.

Oh, sheeugh!

So we're screwed.

So what do we do?

No. No, nope. Come on, that's fraud.

We are missing a dead body that we didn't report.

We are way beyond fraud here!

We're just gonna finish this movie.

To do that, we need a little bit more money.

Does anyone know a way to get a quick loan in town?

Like 1-800-pay-your-debt, something like that? What?

Well, I know these men.

I mean, but it's just too dangerous.

Edgar just felt up my boobs,

while Shine caught the whole thing for TMZ.

I think we're way beyond too dangerous.

Okay, well, look.

There's these men out in the swamp,

and they made Aunt Hessy's sleeping potion.

They loan money if you really, really need it bad.

We need it really, really bad.

No, we are not dealing with voodoo loan sharks.

Hunch over more. You're 79.

Miss Hessy, I wrote a get-well tune for you.

Well, clearly, if someone moves a body--

I mean, the crew's obviously playing a prank on us.

All we really need to do is go to the bank,

transfer the funds, pay the crew,

and then finish the movie before we get caught.

Could we not do an interview right now?

So, Osric, what do you think happened with Hester?

Lester, I don't have time for this right now.

I have no idea. I have no idea.

Come on, just open up. The camera will save you.

I don't know, Lester.

Maybe she rose from the dead or something.

Well, clearly, Hester is angry at us for desecrating her body,

so she's back from the dead.

She's haunting us.

This is a classic bayou haunting.

I'm spooked.

I don't like it.

I don't like it, either.

It's a haunting. It's an actual haunting.

And I don't do ghosts.

It's clearly some kind of warning.

It's not some ghost warning.

Someone just moved her body.

You two sound ridiculous.

Good luck, man. This shit is gettin' weird.

Oh, sweet Lord.

Pull up your breasts. They're hanging.

Yeah, let's get this one.

So they hang?

Um, not that high. She's like 80.

Yeah, get this one.

Maybe if you could-- Are they upside-down?

Oh, Hessy! Oh, dear!

We have told everyone about your illness.

Remember the Lord is watching over you.

[horn honks]

We love you, Hester!

Hi, Hester!

Good to see you again, Hester!

Get well, Hester!

Hester!

Welcome back, Hester!

Miss Hessy, I wrote a get-well tune for you.

♪ Hester Beauchamps ♪

- Seriously? - My God!

We have to get out of here as quick as possible!

Oh, my God! He's following us!

What are they up to?

Oh, my God. That was horrible.

Look. Perfect. That's Marvin.

He's dumber than a turnip cupcake.

He's not gonna know Aunt Hessy since he's new.

Zack, you watch our backs.

Recon. Got it.

Hey, so Aunt Hessy needs to shuffle around some funds,

and here's the last week's check.

We're kind of in a bit of a hurry, so if you could just--

All right, um, yes, okay.

Let's see what we have here.

Hmm. Your account says that there is no available funds.

I'm sorry, what?

There's nothing in your account.

What about the account for the book royalties?

There has to be money in there.

Let's check those.

The account for the book royalties--

That's not Hester. It's Osric.

We're going to film them committing fraud.

The book royalties, that says that there is--

Oh, you're good. Yeah, you have--

You have $52.

- What? - Mm-hmm.

The last major transaction that went through was--

It was from Edgar Mortimer.

It seems the last 11 deposits were from Mr. Mortimer.

So Edgar was paying for everything.

Oh, I see what's going on here.

You can run, but you cannot hide.

I'm not hidin', but you better start runnin'.

Zack Buckley!

What are you doin' in this bank?

Is that really you? Am I being punked right now?

Is my bank punking me?

Is that Buckley in the bank right now?

You're my screensaver. Look at this picture.

Your tattoos.

Listen to your voice. Listen, listen.

You and me and Smith & Wesson are gonna have a little talk.

Can I get a picture with you?

Do you mind?

I-- Of course.

I'm breaking the rules today. It's my daddy's bank.

I'm breaking rules.

Zack Buckley, I can't believe you're in my daddy's bank.

Everybody come get a picture with Zack Buckley.

Go on in the back. I can oil you up.

Come on, Zack, we gotta go. Lester!

Hey, come on back! I need a picture!

Will you add me on Facebook? Can I be your Facebook friend?

I'm here in the sheriff's office

with Sheriff Barnum

and district attorney Mortimer.

And I'm about to blow the lid off the biggest scandal

in Bethulia Parish's history.

How much further?

Uh, I think we're almost there.

This is a bad idea.

No, defrauding a bank was a bad idea.

Now, this is our only idea.

What are voodoo loan sharks, anyways?

Loan sharks who practice the fine art of voodoo.

Oh, pull over. We're here.

Where, Lester? There's nothing around us.

It's, um, it's like a mile or two into the swamp.

A mile or two? I'm waiting in the car.

Come on, Lester.

- Osric? - Yeah.

Be careful.

Thanks.

And don't come back dead.

Why, why, why would you say that? Dead?

Really?

All I could think about was getting back into the swamp.

Okay, Lester, that's not necessary.

Every moment I was unsettled, getting weaker.

Every moment the voodoo kings spent in the forest,

they were getting stronger.

Hey, Lester? We gotta focus.

- This is important, okay? - Okay.

We gotta find these bayou loan sharks or whatever.

So let's just-- Come on.

All I could think about was getting' back into the--

- Dude! - Okay.

Look, uh, we have money to loan you, son.

All you need to do is sign our standard contract,

and it's yours.

Whoa. A lot of fine print.

Uh, this is, uh...

You want me to sign in blood?

Well, you see, we don't have CPA,

so we use your DNA.

Your DNA...DNA.

We use your DNA.

[laughs]

Wow. Dude, you're about to unleash the voodoo magic.

Yeah. Lester, you're not helping.

That's all.

[laughs]

[coughing]

[speaking in tongues]

Wait, who's that?

[screeching]

Hester?

[speaking in tongues]

Osrich, I just saw Hester.

Wait. Where'd she go?

[laughing]

- Go, go, go! Drive! - Okay! Okay!

What happened?

Did you get it?

Oh, good going.

What's wrong with you two?

Oh, my God, what is that smell?

Smell? What smell? I don't smell anything.

- Are you guys stoned? - No!

Yeah, we're ripped.

- Really? - It was crazy.

Osric sold his soul.

I didn't sell my soul. I didn't sell my soul.

I'm a notary public,

and that contract looked pretty legit to me.

I think you sold it, Osric.

How does it feel not to have a soul?

Did you say you're a notary public?

Yeah.

[laughs]

Okay, you guys! I can't focus with you laugh--

No, no, I'm telling you, she's like hot.

- You, sir, are a jackass. - Hey, guys.

So we have taken care of everything,

and we're ready to get back to work.

- Yup. - Look, we already told you.

Our crew's not going back to work until we get paid.

Oh, sorry about the mix-up.

Here you go, guys.

Whoa, dude.

[sniffs] What?

Yup, there's enough back pay in there to cover your crew

and to get through the rest of the shoot.

So we should be good to go.

Let's get back to work!

Hey, we're getting back to work!

- Okay. - [laughing]

Okay.

[laughing]

[continues laughing]

Come on, honey, let's go.

And action!

[growling]

What warlike noise is this?

Young Fortinbras comes from Memphis

to give this warlike volley.

[screams]

Oh, I die, Laertes.

The poison quite o'er crows my spirit.

Cry havoc...

and let slip the dogs of war!

And cut!

Okay, we're gonna go again.

Hey, zombies.

Zombies, more shambling!

More zombie-shambling, and stop tweeting.

Don't Twit.

We're gonna go again.

Oh, my God. Edgar's coming.

You know he's gonna want to see Aunt Hessy.

- This is our big finale. - If Edgar doesn't see Hester,

it's gonna be final, all right.

- I'll be over here. - Exactly.

Kate, take the camera.

What? No.

- I have to go be Aunt Hessy. - I can't.

I don't know how to direct.

You're always helping me set up scenes.

You've got a really good eye. You know what you're doing.

And I trust you.

I trust you.

- Okay. - Okay.

All right, everyone listen up!

We gotta get Hamlet and Ophelia up in Hester's bedroom,

or I don't have a movie! This is my last shot!

This is probably the last one we're gonna get to shoot,

so make it count, all right?

Make it great and make it real!

Let's go, Lester!

Okay, Annabelle, just smack it together.

Scene 98, take one.

Go!

Oh. And action!

Okay, here he comes.

Once more to the breach, dear friends!

Once more!

- [siren blaring] - Oh, great!

Now the sheriff?

Retreat!

[siren blaring]

Sheriff, I just want you to know

that if there's any police brutality,

we can cut around that.

Mm-hmm.

And he's followed by the sheriff.

What? The sheriff is with him?

Oh, shit! This is never gonna work!

Shine Reynolds here on the scene

with district attorney Edgar Mortimer.

Edgar, can we have a word?

Osric!

- What did you do to my Hester? - He knows something's up.

- Hester! - Not that I want to interfere,

but if they see you in that dress, you're going to jail.

- Hester! - Can you help me?

- Osric! - They're coming.

Help me! Come on, help me!

Damn it. I know you're in there.

Your ass is going to jail.

The secret passage. Let's go.

Wait till I get my hands on that little Hollywood!

Sheriff, I think I see him out here.

Stop, in the name of the--

Everyone's angered!

[shouting]

Lester, no matter what happens, I want you to keep rolling.

If I'm gonna go down in flames,

I want the whole world to see it!

Come on, Lester!

Lester, get out of my shot!

Look out, look out!

Come on, let's go!

- What do we do? - Behind the tapestry!

- What? - The rug hanging on the wall!

Lester, come on, let's go!

He's not here.

You take the east wing, and I'll take the west wing.

Come on, Sheriff.

Coming through. Yeah, that's good.

That's-- That's him! That's Osric!

- We're gonna hide in the swamp! - Okay, sweet!

[screams]

Shit! We're surrounded.

Okay, Osric, time to-- to--

Where'd he go?

Dude, we're idiots.

Go back to the secret passageway,

take your clothes off,

and then come out like a crazy naked zombie.

Genius! Run interference.

I can't run interference, I'm impartial to--

Really, Lester? 'Cause guess what.

If I go to jail, you go to jail.

You know what, I'm gonna run interference.

Okay, good.

Yes!

A zombie!

Where'd he go?

Uh, hey, Edgar. Where'd who go?

Oh, Zack? He's filming Zombie Hamlet.

I'm gonna consider you an accomplice in this.

I have nothing to do with this. I'm just a documentarian.

I've known Hester for 50 years.

Don't you think I know where all the secret passages are?

Move!

Oh, those. Great.

There he is. Did you see that?

Hessy!

- Through that door! - Hessy!

To the queen's chamber!

Hessy, where are you, baby?

Whoa, whoa. What are you people up to?

Look, I'm confused, and I don't like being confused.

What the heck is going on here?

Aunt Hessy!

Aunt Hessy.

Oh, my gosh!

You're alive!

But of course I am!

You worried us half to death.

No, I accidentally took some zombie juice

instead of my regular voodoo sleeping potion.

When Baron Saturday heard about it,

he took care of me until I just came out of it.

Now, I heard about you lending me all that money.

Why didn't you just tell me that I was broke?

Because I wanted you to live the life that you deserve.

Well, that's really sweet of you.

Now, Osric, Baron Saturday told me

what you did about borrowing all that money.

My goodness. Well, I made a deal with him.

They are cancelling your debt,

and they're coming onboard

as executive producers of the movie.

Thank you, gentlemen! [clapping]

I'll see you in the editing room.

[laughing]

So we're all okay here then, right?

Not everybody.

Osric Taylor, you are under arrest

for a criminal impersonation

for the writing of fraudulent checks.

Well, now, wait a minute. I can explain those checks.

I didn't actually cash any.

Good night, sweet prince. Parting is such sweet sorrow.

[handcuffs click]

[jail door slams]

You're in jail.

Well, the official story is that Edgar

had another case up in Shreveport,

so they were going to have to wait a little while.

But I think that he just wanted

to make the boys sweat it out a little bit.

Sheriff, I'm the one who wanted these boys locked away,

and I wouldn't normally do this, but I have to ask you a favor.

See, let me explain.

See, Hessy has a strong desire

to see these boys finish their movie,

and to do that, they need that computer.

♪ It's gonna be all right ♪

♪ It's gonna be just fine ♪

♪ If we could breath... ♪

Osric! Osric, I just want to meet you!

- Ma'am, get down! - Let me touch you!

Hey, I'm single, and I'm available!

Just call me when you're out! I'll wait!

Okay, that was really weird.

Hey, you got a visitor.

Osric.

You're not gonna believe what happened.

Hey, Annabelle.

You've gotta check your e-mail.

- Okay, I will, but-- - No, now! Check it!

- You've changed. - Check your e-mail, Osric.

Okay. Is that dog wearing a hat?

Yes! Go check your email.

Uh, what is this?

I wanted the world to see your work.

So you uploaded it?

Yeah, I uploaded both of your movies.

You're blowing up! You've gone viral!

Uh, what is she talkin' about?

Yeah, yeah, it's everywhere.

Here.

To not to be...

or to not, not to be.

- Turn it off! - Not a chance in hell!

- Cut! - I'm a documentarian,

and this is my life's calling.

To not to be or to not, not to be?

That is the question.

Your wig, it's backwards. Flip it!

I don't know how to flip a wig!

Flip it!

I'm a Louisiana lawyer,

and I can do any damn thing I want.

Russia.

England.

Turkey.

Some kid posted something here from Bulgaria.

- Osric! - [distant screaming]

It's perfect, perfect!

We got him.

Lester, I think we're getting out of here.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

We want Lester! Lester!

Lester, get over here! They're calling for you!

- Me? - Lester!

Lester! Oh, my God!

[screaming]

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! I love you! I love you!

Lester! Lester!

Love you, Lester!

Now, I would have to say that the film

Bringing the Undead to Life: The Making of Zombie Hamlet

not only invigorated the world of documentary filmmaking,

but also elevated the entire form of cinema.

It's extraordinary filmmaking. Extraordinary.

Um, I was just trying to tell a story, you know.

And that's the important thing, man, is you gotta--

You gotta just let the story...

just be.

And that's all.

Oh yeah. I mean, I was always attached as a producer.

I shared Osric's vision right from the beginning.

And if you're talking about that...

voodoo contract that he signed in the swamp,

I mean, that thing wasn't worth the paper it was printed on.

Now, Osric Taylor with Zombie Hamlet

is using the kind of sophisticated comedy

that first-time filmmakers barely attempt,

let alone attain.

Quite frankly, he's a genius.

The guy is a hack.

Hamlet with zombies. Really?

What's next, Taming of the Shrew with vampires?

Absolutely. We're doing

Taming of the Shrew with vampires.

We're doing Romeo and Ghouliet

with ghouls and werewolves.

And we're doing The Merry Stepford Wives of Windsor.

Have a little bit of rights problems there, but--

Is Osric Taylor attached to any of these projects?

Osric is attached to all three. He's hot. He is on fire.

Okay, you ready? Okay? Action!

By the pricking of my thumbs,

something wicked this way comes,

brother!

[evil laughter]

Lester. [chuckles]

Lester won a lot of awards, and then he vanished.

He-- He disappeared.

If you know where he is, let me know.

[squawk]

It's 47 below zero,

I can't feel most of my toes...

[squawk]

I have snot frozen on my face,

and I love making movies!

♪♪ [rock]