Original subtitles

You don't want to do this.

Because these hands...

...they don't miss.

Like, literally, they don't miss. They're huge.

I'm warning you. Okay, bud?

I'm not afraid of any--

...monster!

Wait a minute.

It's not a monster. It's a dummy.

Guess that makes you the dummy.

Alex! Oh, thank goodness you're okay.

Bro, why are your hands so big?

Can you just turn them back to normal?

But then I won't be able to make fun of you.

Who am I kidding? It's me.

I'll think of something.

Ah!

"Even though they're small and tacky,

give him back his hands and khakis."

What--

Oh...

I don't want to be that guy. But they're not khakis.

They're chinos.

Worked, didn't it?

So...

How did I get here? Where is here? How do we get out of here?

I don't know. I don't know.

And I was hoping you would know.

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want ♪

♪ By the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ You might run into trouble if you go to extremes because... ♪

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

♪ What it seems ♪

Silas? Where's Justin?

Why did you make him disappear?

I didn't do that. You can't use magic in here.

And what-what is this? Your first time in Wizcatraz?

Yes.

Oh, well...

Good on you.

So how do we get out of here?

You got me thrown in here in the first place. I'm not gonna help you.

I think you are.

Damien Penwulf! I can't believe it.

You, like, inspired me to be evil.

Whoa!

You were really that bad?

Well, this was a long time ago, okay? I've changed.

I-I... No, you're a legend.

You sent fire locusts to the Tribunal.

You stole Merlin's wand from the Wizonian,

and you streaked naked down--

Oh, can we please not do this in front of the kid?

Don't need to hear the streaking story,

but I am very interested in everything else.

You let me out of this cell, and I promise I will help you escape Wizcatraz.

Come on, Silas.

Yes!

All right. Let's do this.

Let's make some memories.

I've never had a fan before, I don't think I like it.

Unfortunately, he's our only way out of here.

I still can't believe Damien locked himself in Wizcatraz

to hide from his dad.

I always assumed he'd wind up there for something fun.

Like that time we streaked naked, and--

Yeah, I'm good not hearing that.

There, that should get us through the night.

Do we really need a fire, though?

I mean, it's not that cold.

It's not to stay warm.

It's to keep the monsters away.

Yeah, but I thought that was what that creepy dummy was for.

Do not talk about Tina like that.

She's my only friend here.

Yeah, we need to get you home.

How's Billie?

I'm sure she's scared.

No, she's okay.

She's tough.

Like you.

Yeah, well, she's had to be, right?

Mm, what do you mean by that?

I left her at WizTech.

And when we were finally reunited again, what do I do?

I leave her again.

You did that to protect her.

And you did that to save the world.

Nice showing off, by the way.

I know, it was pretty cool, wasn't it?

But I...

I still left her.

What kind of mother does that?

Alex, that's what being a parent is.

Loving someone so much, you would be willing to risk everything for them.

I've missed so much of her life.

I don't know how to be her mom.

Since when has not knowing how to do something ever stopped you?

You have never prepared for anything in your entire life.

I mean, you either slept through, ignored, or totally skipped over

all of Dad's lessons.

And yet you are the Family Wizard.

Yeah, that's pretty wild when you think about it.

Trust me, when you and Billie are finally back together,

you will know exactly how to be her mother.

Because you're Alex Russo.

And Alex Russo always figures it out.

Thanks.

I know that was really hard for you to admit.

And it really was. It goes against every way I lived my life.

But I did mean it.

You got this.

Now we just have to survive long enough to actually see our family.

Okay, try it now.

So did you fix it?

Uh, that depends.

Were you looking to re-establish

the interdimensional connection with Aunt Alex?

Or did you want a double espresso?

Okay, I didn't want to worry him,

but I think it's time to ask your grandfather for help.

Theresa, I thought I called Jerry.

Oh, you did.

He took his phone out of his pocket when we burned his clothes.

- He got sprayed by a wereskunk. - Again?

Never mind. Is-Is he around?

Why?

What happened? Is everything okay?

I can hop on a ferry and be there in half an hour.

No, no, no, no.

Everything is fine.

Um, could you just please have Jerry give me a call?

Okay, I will.

Although they're gonna have to quarantine him

until the next full moon.

You know, to see if he turns into a skunk.

Knock it off, Jerry!

Okay, bye.

Okay, so...

Grandpa Jerry is busy.

Wait, I know another wizard who might be able to help.

But, Mom, you have to promise not to say "hubba hubba."

Milo, nobody says "hubba hubba."

I am the Handsome Hexman.

Hubba hubba.

Mom!

Sorry, I can't help it!

Today, I will show you how to give your quantum locator

the love and respect it deserves.

Okay, behind this door is the Spell Scrambler.

Once a day for five seconds, it reboots, which means--

For five seconds, our magic will work.

That's right, Damien Penwulf.

Okay, so when the Scrambler reboots,

- we'll just teleport ourselves home. - When's it reboot?

Well, there's only one way to find out.

After you.

It's a trap!

Of course it's a trap.

There's always guards in here.

And now I'm gonna trade you for my freedom. Isn't that great?

How is that great?

Oh, that-- Sorry, it's not great for you.

It's great for me, I should've been clearer.

And if you've done it right, your quantum locator

should be locating your loved ones.

Real nice.

It's working!

Yeah, it is.

Oh...

Alex Russo located.

- Oh! - We re-established the connection!

Wait! What's that?

Justin Russo located!

Justin's there, too?

When I messed up the spell, it must have sent Dad to Alex.

This is bad.

No, that's bad!

Unknown entity located.

What does that mean?

Does that evil laugh sound familiar to you?

I don't know. When you've heard as many evil laughs as I have,

they all start to blend together.

Russo!

We meet again.

Nicodemus Penwulf!

Of all the rocks in all the dimensions,

I end up stuck on the one with my father-in-law.

Dark magic of the rift has only made me more powerful.

And now I will destroy you once and for all.

- Look out! - Whoa!

- Go! - Go, go, go, go!

You can run, but you cannot hide.

Oh!

He's not kidding. We just ran around the entire planet.

Don't!

I can't believe you double crossed us.

Really? Because the double cross is a big part

of the Evilini brand.

What are we gonna do?

Hey, remember when you were little,

and every time you saw a crystal ball,

you tried to smash it?

Oh!

Stay back, or I smash this thing!

She's not gonna do that.

You'd be releasing the most dangerous criminals in the Wizard World,

And that's messed up. Even for me.

I don't know. This thing feels like a real fun smasher.

Billie, you know you really can't smash that thing, right?

No, no, no, I do, now.

It's rebooting. This is our chance.

Catch!

Teleport us!

Oh!

So...

We're still good, right?

Penwulf-Russo!

He's been working on that for a long time.

I think he's trying to come up with a spell

that'll bring Dad and Aunt Alex back.

What? No, this is my calculus homework for next week.

You're doing it now?

I've tried everything I can think of.

I-I just need something I can control.

Something that makes sense. Something I know I can solve.

- You got number eight wrong. - Nothing matters!

We did it! We're back!

Billie! Oh...

- Hi, I'm-- - Damien.

I know. I'm so glad you're safe.

Uh...

Wait, where's Justin?

He's too powerful. How are we gonna get out of this?

We're gonna blast our way out.

Yeah, we're not blasting our way out of anything.

Your death is but a matter of time.

Alex, I hate to say it.

- Then don't. - I think this is it.

I literally just said "don't," Justin.

What is that?

Somebody's opening the rift.

That's it! That's our way home!

I can't hold it.

It's closing!

Billie! Billie, are you sure?

I can do it.

I'm not afraid.

Okay, how do we get to it?

I know what to do.

Wait, wait, Alex! No, no more hero stuff. You're not doing that again.

- Justin, just trust me. - Al--

Over here!

- Alex, no! - You fool!

Oh, Alex Russo.

Your sacrifice was in vain.

A dummy?

Guess that makes you the dummy. Bye.

Alex! You totally faked him out. That was awesome!

I know. That's why I did it.

- Justin! Oh. - Oh!

- Dad! - My boy.

You're back!

I've never seen you dive through a rift before.

I mean, you were like Jason Statham in a cardigan.

- Mom! - Billie!

I'm so sorry. I'll never leave you again.

- Promise? - Yes, I promise.

Thank you so much for bringing us home.

Billie, I am so proud of you. I knew you could do it.

I have a really good teacher.

Oh.

Damien...

Hi, Alex.

Wait! Wait, this is not how I wanted this to go.

"Slayus all-dayus."

Woo...

Let's try that again.

Hey, Alex.

So...

Uh...

Why am I so nervous?

Oh...

Maybe because everyone is watching.

Oh! Uh...

Right, yeah. We'll give you a minute.

Star-crossed lovers torn apart by forces they couldn't control,

reunited by the daughter they swore to protect.

I could watch this for six seasons.

Let's go, Winter.

I've missed you.

I've missed you, too.

- Hey. - Hm?

How cool is our daughter?

Did you expect anything less?

Well, she has been living with Justin for a while,

- so it could've gone either way. - Mm.

Heard that.

Well, Roman, looks like you'll finally be getting your own room.

Yeah, I... I have always wanted it,

but this isn't exactly how I wanted to get it.

Would it make you feel better if I moved in here with you?

It would not.

I'm gonna miss you.

It's been fun actually having someone cool around.

Someone cool? What am I?

Please don't make me say it.

Uh...

Billie, since you got here, you have broken the rules,

and caused trouble, and turned our lives upside down.

And I, for one, am not going to miss you.

I'm not gonna miss you too.

Billie, it's time to go.

Yeah, Mom. I don't know why Giada was calling to talk to Dad.

Yes, she likes you.

Yes, more than her own mother.

Don't tell your mom I said that.

So you rescued the love of your life from another dimension,

and now you're whisking her off to go live in a castle?

It's not like we live in a fairy tale.

Sell it somewhere else, Penwulf!

I lived on Staten Island without a boyfriend.

I need this!

Hey, Giada.

Look, you were there for Billie when I couldn't be.

And I don't know how to thank you.

Oh.

You don't have to thank me.

I love that girl.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Thanks.

Okay, listen, if Mom calls,

don't mention anything about rifts, or Wizcatraz,

or just anything at all that happened last week.

You're talking to the CEO of "Lying to Mom." I've got this.

Listen, Alex, you guys don't have to leave so soon.

You can stay as long as you want.

Thanks, but we've spent 10 years apart.

- It's time for us to be a family again. - Mm.

I want what you have, but like, at a castle,

You know, this house has almost paid off.

So, how's this gonna work?

Because there's no way I'm not gonna see you every day.

I'm gonna visit as much as I can.

Because I know you can't just go to the Wizard World whenever.

Actually...

Winter, I have something for you.

This bracelet will let you use your mirrors to travel to the Wizard World.

So you can visit Billie anytime you want.

Anytime I want?

You're gonna regret that.

So I guess it's not a "Goodbye." It's just a "See you later."

More like, "See you every weekend."

I'm gonna go buy a toothbrush to leave at the castle.

Justin...

Thanks...

for everything.

- Love you. - Oh, I love you, too.

Bye-bye.

So, uh...

Guess I'll see you around.

Yeah.

I guess so.

Bye, guys.

Bye.

Well, it, uh...

Looks like it's just the four of us again.

Has... Has the house always been this quiet?

I don't know, but I don't like it.

Well, it's just gonna take some getting used to.

Yeah.

I love you, Justin.

I love you, too, Billie.

I can't believe I forgot Billie wasn't with us.

I just ordered the usual.

What are we gonna do with the pepperoni and raisin pizza?

Uh, give it here. I'll just pick off the pepperoni.

No, you were born in New York.

No son of mine is eating a raisin pizza.

Come on.

You okay?

Uh...

I was just thinking about how different everything was

before she came to live with us.

I didn't even want to be a wizard.

I didn't even know there were wizards.

I know. There was so much that I was keeping from you.

About wizards.

Just about wizards.

She gave me back a part of my life that I...

- thought I lost forever. - Mm.

I hope she knows that.

Well, you can tell her next time you see her.

You're still her wizard teacher,

- and her uncle. - Yeah.

She's not going anywhere.

Justin, can you come in here?

Guys?

Uh... Giada!

Right behind you!

It's Penwulf!

He got us, Dad!

You monster! You leave my family alone--

Thank you.

That's exactly what I needed.

Hey, Billie, it's Justin.

So, what exactly did Justin say?

Just to come over as fast as we could,

but he sounded weird, and not like normal "Justin weird."

Yeah, it does sound weird, doesn't he?

I thought I was the only one that noticed.

But I'm telling you, something's wrong.

- Justin! - What's going on?

Dad?

Hello, son,

granddaughter...

Alex.

He's always said my name like that, even at our wedding.

Finally, I will rip the Russos apart,

just like they ripped our family apart.

Is that what you think happened?

You never would have abandoned me if it wasn't for her.

You know what? I don't need my wand.

I'm just gonna hit him.

- Mom! - Dad, stop!

Alex didn't steal me away.

She showed me who you really were.

That I didn't have to be anything like you.

Then you've made your choice, son.

You'll die with them.

Mom?

I knew something was wrong.

You think you're the CEO of "Lying to Me,"

but I'm the CEO of "Knowing You're Lying to Me."

So I grabbed my lamp and I headed right over.

And it's a good thing I did.

Should have seen that coming.

Someone please tell me what is going on here.

I don't know how you got in, Theresa, but I'm so glad you did.

Oh, Justin gave me a key.

You gave your mother a key?

Shouldn't we have talked about this?

Giada, now is not the time.

I'm going to destroy you all.

Not if we destroy you first.

Stop! Just stop!

Billie! Get out of the way!

No, we can't do this.

What happened to Russos always have each other's backs?

He's not a Russo.

You didn't know I was a Russo when you first met me.

But you never gave up on me.

He's family, and I'm not giving up on him.

Look, I know how it feels to be alone,

but you're not.

Okay? You have us.

You don't have to do this.

You can make another choice.

Dad, please!

This isn't who we are.

You pathetic fools!

Love has made you weak, and now you will suffer for it.

No!

Why aren't we dead?

Wait, are we dead?

- Ow! - No, we're not dead.

It's over.

It's really over.

Billie, that was... that was so brave.

And also very dangerous, young lady. Do not do that again.

Well, her mom voice really came in.

It seems like just yesterday

I was yelling at her like that.

And now she's yelling at her like that.

Oh, I never thought I'd lived to see it.

Uh, I gotta hand it to you, Billie. I don't...

I don't know how you made the whole force field thing,

but that was pretty amazing.

I didn't make the forcefield.

- Well, I didn't. - I didn't either.

- Nope. - Neither did I.

Couldn't if I tried.

Then where did it come from?

Well, Dad, you do say the Russos always have each other's backs.

Yeah, maybe we all did it.

It seems pretty obvious where it came from.

The most powerful magic of all.

So help me, Merlin Mom, if you say the magic of family, I will puke.

Mija, I don't have to say it, because you just did.

We should do this every week.

I'd love that.

So who you think is gonna win the wizard competition?

- Is that guy or... - Me.

Oh, you got it? You got it?

Here we go again.

- Me. - Your daughter. you think she's gonna...