All language subtitles for The.Great.S01E04.WEB.h264-TRUMP(Copiar)

(panting, moaning softly)

- Huh.
- And then my father died...

It looks like a bear,
don't you think?

- Huh.
- Indeed it does. Marvelous.

Mmm, it tastes like you.

- (knocking)
- (door opens)

What is it?

I am sorry, Emperor,
the news could not wait.

Overnight, the patriarch,
Bishop Ivan Illyich,

leader of our great Russian
Orthodox Church, is dead, sir.

- Right. Shit.
- (church bells tolling)

- Are you crying?
- I am not, Madam Dymov.

- You look like you are.
- I said I'm not!

- (Peter) Hmm.
- I'm just commenting on my impression.

And I am refraining from
commenting on my impression.

Though you seem to
enjoy my confessions.

He is being laid out in the
chapel for a blessing this day,

and immediately following, the choosing of
the new patriarch ritual will take place.

Right. Go.

(door closes)

He's a nice old
guy, the patriarch.

He was very close
with my mother.

- Should I suck your cock?
- What?

Sometimes you like that
when you talk of your mother.

Not now. A kind
thought, though. Thanks.

My mother used to bring him in when I was
a child and ask him to stare into my eyes.

- Why?
- To see if I had a soul.

And?

He would tell her I did, but he
used to wink at me when he said it.

My mother used to say, "God
sees all. What must he make of you?"

If God sees all, then
we must put on a show.

- Huh. You are bad.
- As are you, my dear.

- Huh.
- (Georgina laughs)

- (laughs) I'm scared.
- (Leo) You must trust me.

- What is it?
- It is my own ingenious concoction.

Ginger beer, vodka, separate.

Two different things. As they
combine in your mouth to a crescendo,

drop in a lime, which
will give it a kick and voilà.

Okay. Go. (laughs)

- (laughing)
- (Leo) Whoo!

- Mmm!
- Mmm?

That's delicious!

(Leo) Our own drink.
Invented this day.

I know it's only 10:00, but we
should return to bed at once.

10:00? Oh, shit.

Ugh. I must go.

I have... duties and whatnot.

I command you, be in my bed,
naked and waiting, when I return.

You! I need your mule.

(grunts)

(panting)

- (Tatyana neighs)
- (ladies giggling)

(neighing continues)

This was our box.

We would come
here, my father and I.

(Orlo) How is your father?

He remains a fucking
idiot who ruined my life.

But I believe he is healthy

and enjoying life shoveling shit in the
stables and fucking pox-ridden maids.

- (door opens)
- Oh. I am winded.

Oh. These corsets are inhuman
at the best of times, but...

(breathes deeply)
Sorry. I was...

We have left a gap for a
description of any sex acts

- you would like to entertain us on.
- Untrue.

I have no need to hear anything.

I was allowing your breath to return
so as to begin the business of the day.

- I'm sorry.
- Two things have happened.

The patriarch is dead, and
a new one must be named.

Peter will name him, but we
must have a dog in the fight.

Bishop Tarcinkus is our man.

For when you take power, the church
must back you from 100,000 pulpits.

You need to meet him.

The second thing is to do with,
uh, the women, and they have...

They have started a rumor,
Svenska and her gang.

A rumor?

That, uh, you were not
a virgin when you arrived.

You had, in fact, uh...

I'll just ask it. There's no other
way. Have you ever fucked a horse?

A what? No!

Well, I assumed not,
but it never hurts to ask.

Oh, my God. They just
neighed at me in the hall.

I was riding a mule, I
thought that was why.

- (Marial laughs)
- You must win them back, and quickly.

Rumors spread and become fact.

No one will believe that.

The rumor is a symptom.

You are a foreigner who has made
a bad initial impression at court.

The women will drip
poison in the ears of the men,

and your reputation
will never recover.

And we need the
men in the court.

(men chattering)

How would one even fuck a horse?

I can't explain it,
but I could draw it.

(tongue clip-clopping)

(women giggling)

I'm sorry. In avenging
me, you have suffered.

You may have to slap
me down in front of them.

You mean put you in your place?

I mean literally
slap me to the floor.

I will not do that.

But I will make peace with her.

It is done now,
this tit for tat.

I will win them back.

Everyone likes me, always have.

As ever, your confidence
is an inspiration.

- Vlad likes me. Don't you, Vlad?
- I... Yes, Empress.

- What are you reading, Vlad?
- Triangles.

Triangles. Hmm. That's fun.

- Isosceles is particularly good.
- Yes.

Uh, the emperor is, is waiting.

(groans)

- Where the fuck have you been?
- Apologies.

You have duties. We have
duties. We must wave the troops off.

(band playing patriotic march)

Fuck them up!

- (glass shatters)
- Huzzah. (groans)

My spies tell me you
have kept Leo as your lover.

- I did.
- So?

- So?
- "Thank you, husband.

You were right after all, with
your impeccable judgment,

good looks, and massive cock."

Thank you, husband.
You were right after all,

with your impeccable "fudgement,"
good socks, and massive clock.

Was that it?

No, it was... close enough.

Don't fall in love with him, or
I'll bust his head open with a bat.

It is a pleasant
diversion, that is all.

We will still make an heir. I'd do it now,
but I just blew my bag on Madam Dymov.

(snorts) Mm. My God.

- A phrase I've never heard.
- (door opens)

The bishops assemble, sir.

- Why?
- To pick a new patriarch.

It is tradition to name a
new one the following day.

And important to
stop the regions

sending their representatives
to court to lobby their men.

Twenty years ago, it
led to much bloodshed.

I remember. Or was told or...

These eggs need salt
or salmon or something.

Fuck off. I'll be in.

(door closes)

Is it true we exist
before we are born?

What did you say?

Is... I am emperor,
ordained by God.

So he must have known
me before I existed, I assume.

- I see.
- And he sees everything.

But I am emperor by
divine right, so... there's that.

If I could be of assistance
to you, Emperor?

(laughing)

A woman pick the patriarch?

Huzzah. (giggles)

You have cheered
me. You are sweet.

(Peter sighs)

(ladies chattering)

(band playing patriotic march)

- (sighs)
- (footsteps approach)

(Catherine) Lady Svenska.

Have you been crying?

At first sign of spring,
my allergies act up.

- Your husband is leaving.
- Indeed. Huzzah.

I feel we may have got
off on the wrong foot.

- Really? How so?
- The dress thing,

some general disdain on my part,

you beating my servant.

I must confess, I do not
know to what you refer.

You are our empress,
and we are all blessed by it.

Right.

For even if we thought you were
a vicious cunt filled with arrogance,

who fucked a horse before she arrived,
we would still respect you as our empress.

I never fucked a horse!

Do not fluster. No good
Christian will believe it.

You have our respect, Empress.

(huffs)

- (sighs)
- Well?

She's oddly impervious
to my charms.

What's the hold she has
over the other women?

Well, she's very rich, from one
of the best families in Russia.

And some owe her money.

And she showers them all
with gifts, attention, and fun.

Well, I'm rich and all the
other things and more.

If we cannot win Svenska, perhaps
we can peel the women off her.

Empress, we have
pressing business.

Indeed. I now recall that.

Count Voronsky.

- Count Orlo. Good day, sir.
- Empress.

Bishop Tarcinkus is here.

You should meet him.

Orlo, unfortunately the pressures
on her time are great today.

I shall be the judge of
the pressures on my day.

Indeed. I am your
humble servant.

- (giggles)
- (Leo) I shall away.

- Did he just bite you?
- (Marial) He did.

I felt it a little
inside myself.

I do not wish to be
annoying, but to do this...

(quietly) coup will
take utter focus.

I am focused, Orlo.

But I must deal with the
count's insolence first.

I do not understand
this scattered approach.

Do you really not understand?

I will now need to
check you for a cock.

Oh. Are you actually
backing away?

(sighs)

- (smooching)
- (panting softly)

(breathing heavily)

Wow.

What is "wow"?

I don't know. It is a
word that came to me.

It is right, I think.

- You all right?
- I've enjoyed our time together.

You may go.

- And when shall I return?
- At my pleasure.

Speak no more, depart at once.

- Empress.
- Do not...

- (door opens)
- argue with me.

(door closes)

- (sniffling)
- Are you all right?

Of course.

It's a sad day for our nation.

He was a father to
you, as you were to me.

I feel a hole
ripped in the earth...

that may swallow me.

As I felt when Mother died.

But you grabbed my hand
and the hole did not swallow me.

- You were eight.
- Loss is loss.

I must, uh... see to my duties.

Thank you.

No one has seen
him since breakfast.

Go. I'll find him.

(foot knocking on wall)

They're looking for you.

- Of course.
- The patriarch.

That old fuck,
staring in your eyes.

Why I've avoided him for years.

And I've fucking
given them everything.

Why can't they choose
their own fucking person?

You don't want that.
You need to choose.

The church must be controlled.

Come on. It'll be fun.

I'll come.

It'll be like, uh... when we interviewed
those French courtesans with your dad

for who would be your first.

Yes, it was good
to be 11, wasn't it?

Happy days. (laughs)

Come on.

Ah. He's excited.

They can be funny about
women, some of them,

so, uh, he won't speak to you
or look you directly in the eye.

You may pass by and get on
your knees, and he will bless you.

He will not speak to me? How
could he be a good choice for us?

He is aligned with
some of our views.

One of my views is that women are
humans. He does not seem aligned with that.

No, he is. He is.
Just... they are old.

We need to do this.

Hello.

How are you today?

Bless this maiden.

Oh.

Lovely meeting you.

- Trust me.
- I do, obviously.

(sighs)

Here is a list of
the candidates.

(door opens)

Aren't you staying?

I cannot join you, sir. I
am junior to these men.

Oh, such a shame, only
candidates are present.

However, I'll be with you
every step of the way, Emperor,

to facilitate the ritual.

God will give the emperor a sign.
He will feel it. He does not need...

Rational thought
applied to it? (scoffs)

The emperor may question
them to ascertain their holiness

and their love
and loyalty to him.

That's good. I'm judging them.

- Of course.
- (Peter) Exactly.

Oh, Grigor, we are
in the middle of...

Shut up, Orlo. The
emperor's asked for my help.

For instance, how are we
going to tell them apart?

Next, can we have the old bearded man
who smells of moldy crotch and incense?

(chuckles) Brilliant.

(sighs) Grigor will
help make it a jape.

It is not a... jape.

It needs to be taken seriously.

It is God's
representative on Earth.

I am well aware of the
fucking import, Archie.

(Grigor) Right.
Where shall we start?

- I suggest order by beard length.
- (laughs)

(Peter) Rich. That's rich.

This is a good and holy man.

Right. Do we want that?

- We want someone who loves you.
- Hmm.

Emperor Peter, I am Pavel
Lopov Tarcinkus of Mogilev.

Your loyalty to the emperor is as
strong as your bond with God, is it not?

- That seems a good question.
- It is an unbreakable bond.

You are God. God
is you. God is love.

Huh. I like this guy.

Emperor, I am Herman
Aleksy Leontius of Vilna.

And I believe you to be the
greatest leader Russia has ever seen.

He seems like a
strong possibility, too.

I would be honored to serve
under you, at the feet of God himself.

I like this guy.

I do not claim to be good
enough for this office.

I know only one thing.

This emperor is a man
who brings us to destruction,

- amoral, devil-worshipping...
- (fluid splashing)

a fornicator, a man to
be turned on by the church

and denounced from every pulpit
in the land as a soulless heretic.

You fucking...

I commit myself to the
flames of God's love...

- (Peter gasps)
- and leave this place to its inequity!

(bishop grunting)

(flames roaring)

- (grunting)
- (candelabra clatters)

Jesus.

How dare he speak
to me like that?

Take some snuff.
It's in the nostrils.

(Orlo) It is why we must be
sure you are supported and loved.

It is a danger we have just
seen, if the church denounce you.

It would be grossly unfair
and fucking dangerous.

Archie, what the fuck?
Why was he on the list?

It was voted on by the synod.

He is a troubled man. I
had no idea he was this...

How do I know they
don't all think like that?

That is the danger of the wrong
choice. They turn on the emperor.

That's why I think Bishop
Tarcinkus would be a good choice.

- Which one was he?
- Old guy, gray beard, not on fire.

You're not helpful, Grigor.

It's not at all my
place to advise on this,

but obviously you would have
seen Kerlov as a strong candidate.

- He preaches hate and fear.
- Yes, fear.

You cannot hold
Russia without it.

It's a lever in the emperor's hand
the church happily wields for him.

Yes, I have made a decision.

I'll start with a beer, move on to vodka,
and then eat some pussy for dessert.

Grigor, let's go.

It is not your place
to advise on this.

- Why do you care who it is so much?
- I desire Russia's goodness.

I do not wish someone who will
take us back to the Dark Ages.

Mm. You lie so well, Orlo.

From one so accomplished,
the greatest of compliments.

Oh.

Such a burning love for God.

One can love too much.

These are pretty things.

As are you, Vlad.

(chuckles)

The empress.

- (children shouting playfully)
- Oh, Empress.

(Catherine) I saw it
and thought of you.

It is delightful.

I'm sorry about my
children. (chuckling)

- Boris is sick, and they are...
- (Boris coughs)

just crazy!

(recorder tooting off-key)

They are delightful.

It is so elegant.

A lovely color.

I saw it and it made me
think of you in your elegance.

Thank you.

They are made of Georgian gold,

and I wished you to have
one the minute I saw them.

- You should not beg like this.
- What?

You are the empress.
Status is everything.

I wish to be their friend.

Aren't you sweet? And don't
they love to eat sweet things.

Thanks for the egg.

You will not become actual
friends with them, will you?

I could not bear it.

You are my first friend here, my
true friend. Nothing shall shake that.

(indistinct chatter)

Excuse me.

Good day.

Join me at midnight
in my apartments.

I will not be at your
or anyone's whim.

Of course, Empress.

However, I often
go walking at night,

so I may be there,
coincidentally, or I may not.

(Leo) I do so enjoy the
length of these hallways.

Oh. I've not been in here since
your father had an orgy one night

and a man put a
carrot in my asshole.

(grunts softly) Emperor.

Yes. My old family apartments.

It's been a few years,
but I am to stay a while.

- What are you doing?
- I like trees.

I am used to seeing
them from my bed at home.

The aspect of these windows
do not allow it, so I'm planting one.

Odd, but okay.

You are officially
the empress' lover.

I released you,
but she kept you.

- You released me?
- She was to tell you. She did not?

She is a witch. Two
things. Welcome to court.

- You're one of us now.
- (grunts)

- Huzzah.
- (Leo coughs)

Ah, Grigor. He's planting trees.

- He's a curious one.
- (Peter) Mm.

- (coughs)
- He also seems unwell.

Oh, I hit him quite
hard. Give him a drink.

Let us sit in this indoor
forest and drink together.

A man should be friends
with his wife's lover.

My father taught me.

It is the only way things go
well and do not end in bloodshed.

- Grigor, do you agree?
- Indeed.

See, Grigor and
I love each other.

This morning, I ate a fig out of
his wife's pussy, and here we are.

- Wha... What?
- It is a bond unbreakable.

- Leo, we shall be friends.
- My honor, sir.

(men shouting and grunting)

(laughing and shouting)

(Vlad clears throat)

What is this?

A plum. P-L-U-M.

Mm. Your reading goes well.

Count Leo Voronsky
requests admittance.

I know you're busy,
so I'll keep this brief.

Go on.

That was it.

What was it?

I was lying in my bed, thinking
of you, how exquisite you are,

and I began to think my
mind was exaggerating it.

- And was it?
- A little, yes, but not much.

I came to see you last night, and
found you with Peter in a fruit fest.

Ah. He wishes
for us to be friends.

I must be friends.

You are good at this
game, pretending.

- I suppose I am.
- So how can I believe you?

- That you are...
- True with you?

I suppose you only
have your instincts on it.

I am something of a romantic.

- My fear is that you will...
- Break your heart.

Were I to fall for you, that is.

- Which you have not.
- Not at all.

You were a pleasure I decided
to take to slake my curiosity.

You have a ruthless side.

It makes my blood
rush around a little.

- You are complicating me.
- And you me.

Seeing you with Peter.

Am I a fool?

- I can be.
- We all can be.

Being with you, I've made
myself a part of his world.

Mercurial as he is, delightful,
but unknown, as you are,

I am aware I invite trouble
into my otherwise easy life.

And usually, all I like to
invite is guests for drinks

and a wander in
the estate woods.

Do not charm me so relentlessly.

I have fallen for you.

So...

I'm fucked.

I have decided to embrace it.

If you wish to toss me aside now,
you will break a large piece of me inside,

but I would be free to
escape to my estate,

and, in time, I'd perhaps mend.

You'd do me a brutal
favor if you did, so...

Choose?

Choose.

I...

You may go.

Just for the moment.

I'm...

I'll think.

(Georgina) Daddy loved gambling.

I once awoke to him
chopping off my pigtails

because he'd lost them
to the creepy footman.

- (laughs)
- (Peter) Mm.

The worst part was him
losing the fucking vineyards,

and now we have to
pay for this delicious wine.

It is delicious. Mm.

- (glass shattering)
- Mm.

(Grigor laughs)

- (laughter)
- (Peter) Sh!

Ahem. The bishops assemble, sir.

We must decide today.

(Peter) We are eating
oysters, for fuck's sakes.

Must you interrupt? Get out!

(all laughing)

So rude!

- Mm.
- How's it going?

Badly. God should
really give me a sign.

- Lazy fucker.
- Me?

- God!
- Oh.

- Well, both of you, really.
- (Georgina and Grigor laughing)

Why don't they just kill
them all and instate me?

I look good in black, and I'm
under 100. It'll be refreshing for all.

- That's a brilliant idea. Well done.
- Thank you.

No. What I said. A fucking sign.

Why must I do all the work?

For you.

This is from Svenska.

She's invited me to
a tea dance this day.

Someone realizes she
needs to make peace.

Hmm.

(indistinct chattering)

Thank you for
your beautiful gift.

Give the empress some
air. You will crush her.

Sit, my dear.

Thank you. And
for the invitation.

Your gift was beautiful.
You have exquisite taste.

I always think that of you.

I try, as there isn't
much else to do here.

- (all laughing softly)
- How is your lover?

Oh, yes. Do tell.

- His father was astonishing.
- He was my first.

Lay Leo on a dish for us,
Empress. We wish to know you.

It's... it's a private thing.

Of course.

Shall we dance?

(up-tempo instrumental
music playing)

Oh!

- (thwacks)
- (Catherine grunts)

(sighs)

(groans)

Hmm.

(sighs, grunts)

(laughs softly)

- (thwacks)
- (thuds)

- Dear Catherine, are you all right?
- We get caught up in the music.

(Lady Svenska) And you are new to
the dance. It is a very precise thing.

If you are not right
place, right time,

and in tune with your
partner, it is a dangerous thing.

Oh. No, I'm fine.

Oh. That is my nose blood.

Let us applaud the
empress for her bravery.

Show her our respect.

The empress.

I could tell my
husband what you did.

There are plates of food your
husband likes better than you.

You are nothing but
a tolerated womb.

We will never disrespect
you in front of him,

but you will do well to know your
place in regard to me and my ladies.

Do not attempt to take them
from me again, horse fucker.

(slams)

(sobbing quietly)

- What's happened?
- A tea dance.

- Are you all right?
- It is unbearable, this place.

Fuck!

Cry. I can feel it in you.

(Catherine sobbing)

(crying loudly)

I... I miss home.

(crying)

- What else?
- I hate everyone.

- What else?
- I don't like eating moose lips,

but everyone's always
going on about them.

Disgusting stuff.

(crying continues)

Like a storm
departing your body.

To cry is very Russian.

Tears salty and
vodka-laced, usually.

What of politics? You
never even speak of it.

What needs to be said of
throwing your life at a brick wall

until the wall is still there, but
you're bones and mush in a skin bag?

Change is possible.

When I was 12, the war
edged its way toward us.

Suddenly, men appeared
in our wheat fields.

The whole of the land
was lost in a blue smoke

with shapes like
ghosts shifting amid it.

Then the fighting stopped.

Rain came and
washed the blood away.

We replanted. The
wheat grew back.

And as my father and I
walked through the field again,

he asked me, "Who won?"

- So nothing matters?
- We'll all be dust.

I will be happy dust.

So, your happiness
is a political stand?

Indeed it is, and I
will not resile from it.

- Shall we have another?
- I do not know whether I...

admire it or despise it.

Neither do I, so I
suggest you do neither.

Merely enjoy me.

Maybe... lick me a
little, if you feel like it.

Hmm.

You know, I'm sorry,
but I cannot let you go.

I never thought being
doomed would feel so pleasant.

(indistinct chatter)

(doors close)

(whispers) Archie, you still have your
visions and communications with God?

Uh, they come to me
under certain conditions.

Or he says they do.

(Archbishop) I am blessed to
have a connection with our Lord.

It's so unusual, I
understand your disbelief,

for your faith and
imagination are pedestrian.

He just said, "Fuck you,"
if you did not get that, Orlo.

- I did, sir.
- Great. So, my idea.

Do your vision. Ask
God who I should pick.

- What? No. No.
- No? What the fuck are you talking for?

I will pull out your tongue and eat it
with a nice salsa verde if it moves again.

It does not really
work like that.

- God...
- Tell him I'm fucking asking.

I am ordained by God, so he
needs to play handball with me on this

if he doesn't want it all
fucked up by a wrong choice.

Of course. I will see if I can
create the conditions for a vision.

- Fuck me.
- Did you just speak?

C... D...

- E... F...
- (Orlo groans)

- (Orlo) He has sent Archie...
- G...

to commune with God. (sighs)

God will show Archie a sign,

and he will pick the
patriarch and inform Peter.

He fucking has whoever he wants.

Lying, disingenuous prick. Ow!

Marial!

He is a good man, and
a holy man in his heart.

He is your friend and
cousin. You are biased.

He's a political animal, always protecting
the power and wealth of the church.

He is a bishop, that is
what you would call his job.

As it is your job to be an
annoying, un-fucked insect.

Marial, take a breath.

Orlo, if he is a political animal,
he can be reasoned with.

He does at least speak to women,
so he has one up on our man anyway.

You have done deals in the past?

Yes.

So... push him toward our man.

I could talk to him.

And he'll wonder why a woman cares
about the patriarch and tip our hand.

(sighs) It is my job.

The patriarch affects
the women too.

Just ask my nanny, who
got pregnant out of wedlock,

and they fucking killed her in
her village at the priest's behest!

(doors slam)

Orlo is wrong.

Archie is a good man.

I never got over the
fingering, to be honest.

He had to do that. It
is his role and duty.

When my mother died,

and my father clutched a
bottle and a whore to his breast

instead of his young children...

he took care of me
and my sister, every day.

He has a hard head for politics
but, trust me, a good heart.

Leaving the bony fingers aside.

(Catherine chuckles)

Archie.

Orlo.

Can we talk about who
the patriarch should be?

Always with the politics, Orlo.
What a small world you live in.

Everything is politics, Archie.
That just means your price is high.

You are going to have a vision,
and Io and behold, it will be Kerlov.

I feel sorry for you
that you think that.

That's the problem
with your philosophy.

You aggrandize the individual, think
we're not part of something bigger.

It's a barren wasteland of aloneness
that you try to push us towards.

God enfolds us.

His love enfolds us.

And right now, your
bullshit enfolds me.

Any warmth I can
bring, my friend.

Let us work out who
suits us both best. All I ask.

I'm God's servant, not yours.

No politics. He directs me.

Tarcinkus is a good
man, all I wanted to say,

a man we can both work with.

He has no real opinions.

Shit.

"Now here, now there,
the roving Fancy flies,

till some lov'd object
strikes her wand'ring eyes,

whose silken fetters
all the senses bind,

and soft captivity
involves the mind."

Hello.

- The women.
- Ah, yes.

I heard a tea dance
got out of hand.

They hate me.

Well, you did stripe
Svenska most marvelously.

But her surface is what matters
to her, and you scratched it hard.

- I want them to like me.
- Why? They are dreary.

All you need to do is be respected by
them and show responsibility for them.

- Show responsibility?
- You are the only voice the women have.

But I do not have a voice.

You must grow one, as you will
grow an heir in your bright, shiny womb.

Oh, wait.

(Catherine) What are these?

Inspiration and education.

Is it physically possible?

I thought not, but as long as
you have someone to brace you,

that one is excellent.

Though painful
for a few days after.

You're intrigued.

- They fire something in me.
- Hmm.

Which brings me
to this horse story.

I wanted to, but the horse
said no, and neigh means neigh.

(laughs) You are a delight.

We are all animals, so I would
not judge it harshly if you had.

I once saw a deer so beautiful,

I leant against a tree
with my dress raised,

hoping it would mount me.

Anyways... the ladies.

You may have to
slap Marial down.

- That's what she said.
- Wise girl.

You cannot choose a servant
over a lady. It will not do.

I will not.

(gasps)

(laughs) Just like that. See?

It is not easy being
empress, but you can do it.

(Catherine sighs)

Now, I have these
sticks from Asia.

They are to
enhance your fertility,

but I cannot work out whether we wave them
over your womb or insert them into you.

I'm pretty sure it's a
"wave them" situation.

(birds chirping)

(Archbishop gasping)

Are you all right?

You shimmer... with radiance.

Are you an angel?

(distorted) Some have said it.

Guidance. Thank you for coming.

(distorted) Apparently, you have a
good heart under those dark clothes.

I do.

(distorted) You
could help Russia.

It is awry.

I wish nothing else.

Who should it be, the patriarch?

Guidance is sought.

(distorted) Perhaps it is you.

Me?

But I'm not...

worthy.

(distorted) You see
women. You are smart.

You can bring Russia right,

through your heart and
through faith and change.

(sobbing)

Okay. Good.

Bye.

(sobbing)

Emperor, I must make
an impassioned plea

for you to just choose
Bishop Pavel Lopov Tarcinkus.

He is of fair, wise mind, and if you
sit with him and sip vodka a minute,

you will see he is of tender
heart and the perfect choice.

I suppose I could.
Does he like me?

Of course! He... He loves you.

Emperor! A sign!

God sent me an angel!

He does look completely strange.

(Grigor) His eyes. And
he's... He's shaking.

- Sir...
- (Peter) God sent a vision?

What did he say?
Who does he want?

Emperor, allow me to present...

myself!

- Yourself?
- As the patriarch!

It's what He wants, for me to rise
and help you make Russia great.

Did the angel talk about me?

- Not directly.
- Of course he can't.

It's totally against the
rules. He's not old enough,

- not a senior member of the synod...
- Shut up. We can deal with that.

Archie...

Look into my eyes.

Tell me what you see.

The soul of a king!

(sobbing)

(fireworks whistling, popping)

- (laughter)
- (instrumental music playing)

So... tell me of
your lives here.

(Lady Svenska) All is
bliss in the court of Peter.

(Catherine) Of
course life is bliss here,

but if tiny improvements could be
made, and I could help you as empress,

that would gladden my heart to
be a friend and a use to you all.

Why don't you stop the war?

- (laughs)
- (Catherine) I will note it down,

but it is probably
beyond me at this point.

Maybe more immediate things.

Well, the carriages
are always in disrepair.

They do not fix
them fast enough.

I see. I shall look into it.

How is your son, Tatyana? Boris.

He was unwell.

Fucking Chekhov saw him, but...

We need better doctors
than the Chekhovs.

Boris coughs blood, and the
fool puts leeches on his throat.

Now, I do not know doctoring,
but it seems ridiculous,

and my dearest
Boris gets sicker.

- He basically killed Raisa.
- Exactly.

Indeed.

We must have the
most modern medicine.

We shall bring a new
doctor from France.

What a friend you are to us.

How is Leo?

He makes my skin tingle
and my heart gladden.

- (all tittering)
- Surely more detail than that.

If you really are our friend, we
will need you to open up to us,

if it is true, and we
are to feel you love us.

Shut up, whore.

- She cannot...
- Apologize.

I will see to her later.

- Go back to your quarters, Marial.
- Neeeeigh!

- (grunts)
- Do not ever do that.

That goes for all
of you. Am I heard?

I have spoken to my husband on
this, and he sees it as a sleight on him.

If it is heard again, no matter
what family, what wealth,

they will be a servant,
stripped of everything,

and we will slap the shit
out of them on a daily basis.

Am I heard?

Marial, wipe the
blood from your nose.

Pour me wine.

Now, other things you
ladies need from me?

Lady Svenska, can I
help you in any way?

- No, Empress. I am satisfied.
- Mm. Marvelous.

Good day, then.

Empress, I think you may
be a natural. Well done.

- Thank you. Amazing party.
- Oh.

You seem to live
by your own rules.

It helps they think I'm mad.

A new patriarch!

- Huzzah!
- (all) Huzzah!

- This is a terrible mistake.
- Do not worry.

All is bliss in the court
of Catherine the Great.

Oh, to the empress. She is
finding her feet here, and her fists.

(all) Huzzah!

Apparently, she fucked a
horse before she got here.

- (man) Huzzah.
- For I am all for fucking,

and after Archie blesses
us, we will all begin.

(all) Huzzah!

(door closes)

What else can one
have faith in but love?

I thought it was an answer.

I now realize it is a question.

(whispers) Pick one.

♪ Well, you tried it just for
once Found it all right for kicks ♪

♪ But now you find out
That it's a habit that sticks ♪

♪ And you're an orgasm addict ♪

♪ You're an orgasm addict ♪

♪ Sneaking in the back
door With dirty magazines ♪

♪ Now your mother wants to know
About all the stains on your jeans ♪

♪ And you're an orgasm addict ♪

♪ You're an orgasm addict ♪

♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ Uh ♪

♪ Uh, uh ♪

♪ Uh ♪

♪ You get in a heat
You get in a sulk ♪

♪ But you still keep
a-beating Your meat to pulp ♪

♪ And you're an orgasm addict ♪

♪ You're an orgasm addict ♪

♪ You're a kid Casanova
You're no Joseph ♪

♪ It's a labor of love
Fucking yourself to death ♪

♪ Orgasm addict ♪

♪ You're an orgasm addict ♪

♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh ♪

♪ Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh ♪

♪ You're making
out with school kids ♪

♪ Winos and heads of state ♪

♪ You even made
it with the lady ♪

♪ Who puts the little plastic
bobbins On the Christmas cakes ♪

♪ Butchers' assistants
and bellhops ♪

♪ You've had them
all here and there ♪

♪ Children of God
and their joy strings ♪

♪ International women
with no body hair ♪

♪ Ooh, so whether
You're asking in an alley ♪

♪ And your voice ain't steady ♪

♪ Your sex mechanic's
rough You're more than ready ♪

♪ You're an orgasm addict ♪

♪ You're an orgasm addict ♪

♪ Johnny want fuckie
Always and all ways ♪

♪ He's got the energy
And he will remain ♪

♪ He's an orgasm addict ♪

♪ He's an orgasm addict ♪

♪ He's always at it ♪

♪ He's always at it ♪

♪ And he's an orgasm addict ♪

♪ He's an orgasm addict ♪