Original subtitles

[dramatic music]

[lively orchestral music]

[water bubbling]

[lively orchestral music continues]

[Jerry] Hmm, Chuck.

Charlie.

Chaz.

Carl.

Carl with a C.

No.

Charlton.

Okay, the motivations for Charlton Caterpillar.

Charlton, sorta sounds gay.

Ah! I'm on fire.

[sighs] Charlton's out.

[lively orchestral music continues]

Chester. Chester.

Ooh, I like that, Chester. That's really good.

Chester the Caterpillar, huh.

That's the name of the damned cricket

that keeps singing the sextet from "Lucia" in the subway.

Oh, come on, think.

Uh, no, let's see, um.

Oh, Clint.

Carrie.

Fuck Carrie, I hate that!

With a sister named Lisa,

and they see their father on alternate weekends.

Calvin, hmm, that's not bad.

[bus engine rumbling]

Does that have any religious significance? Consider that.

This story deals with an ecology-conscious caterpillar

who won't eat leaves or any other green living thing,

and he's hooked on liverwurst.

Okay, uh, kids ages five to eight

have to be sucked into this in less than 50 words.

Hmm, it was a perfect spring morning.

A yellow sun was riding a sparkling blue sky. No.

[whimsical music]

[sighs] There was once a time...

when all the world was green and the water was crystal clear

and the air was fresh and crisp,

and all the kids aged five to eight just turned on the TV.

Oh, thank you.

Somehow the moment that, uh, that, uh,

Calvin the Caterpillar awakened,

he knew that today would be different.

The name Calvin really stinks.

[whimsical music]

Why does it have to alliterate?

Forget the names beginning with C.

Try F.

Frank. Hey.

Fred.

Feldman.

Feldman. Oh, that's memorable.

Feldman the Caterpillar's gorging himself on liverwurst

while this demented Robin Redbreast

-is organizing a pogrom. -You're talking

-That's wonderful. -to yourself again, Jerry.

To some people, that's craziness.

To me, it's a very attractive trait.

Really. Why?

That's neither here nor there.

I called you last night.

Yeah, I know. I spoke to you, Helene.

That is not the point.

I call you.

That was the entire subject matter

of our conversation last night,

except for the part about lust.

I haven't got time for lust.

I haven't even got time for lunch.

[bell ringing]

Listen, anytime you're ready for another shot

at the summit, I'll be more than happy to--

We're going out to dinner tomorrow night, right?

I'm taking you out. Let's talk about it then, okay?

To someplace where you have to wear a tie.

-We agreed on that. -Right.

We'll both wear ties.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe it's a little girl caterpillar.

Lulu, for God's sake! Will you stop that?

Lulu.

Um, Lulu the Caterpillar...

shivered in the early morning frost.

Somehow she knew that today would be wrong.

Lulu the Hooker picked up her first trick

of the evening on the corner of...

[whimsical music]

On the corner of 42nd Street and 8th Avenue.

[pensive music]

[dramatic music]

[calm music]

Oh!

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, no problem.

I hardly ever spill these things inside the store.

-It happens mostly in the park. -No, really, honestly.

-It's no problem. -Here, look here. Oh.

Mommy!

All these kids coming in here,

you can begin to imagine what gets on the floor.

It's not unusual for the entire staff

to walk outta here at night with lollipops

stuck to the bottoms of both shoes.

Yeah.

Now you'll probably have pigeons coming up in the elevators.

[Jerry laughs]

You are a kind and considerate baby,

and I love you for not calling me "Butterfingers."

He wouldn't know how to say butterfingers, would he?

No.

Actually, his two favorite words are "up" and "Mama,"

Everything else comes out sounding like "egg."

Egg?

Egg, egg, egg, you know? [laughs]

And he hates eggs.

I'll get that stuff. Don't worry about it.

Oh, thank you.

Say, is there any particular department that I could--

No, no, thank you. We're just kind of wandering around.

-Oh. -Too cold outside for the zoo.

There's a, uh, a children's barbershop upstairs.

You could watch haircuts.

[Jenny laughs]

Oh, you're probably here to watch the trains, I guess.

Oh, yeah, we never get tired of the trains.

-Train. -[train whistle tooting]

I think I'll take him over to, um, Santaland.

That's across the hall, right?

Oh, yeah, well, if the elves drive him crazy,

there's a terrific display of hockey sticks

a few aisles back there on your left.

Oh, thanks. I'll remember that.

[train whistle tooting]

-Oh, lemme give you these. -Oh.

Yes, ma'am.

Uh, what's, what's the baby's name?

It's Benjamin.

Ah, Benjamin. Sweet baby.

He is.

Oh, again, I'm sorry about the mess.

Oh, that, that's okay.

Thank you.

Bye.

Bye.

[whimsical music]

[light-hearted music]

Uh, feel free to browse.

[light-hearted music continues]

[children laughing]

Uh, you left your package.

-Oh, thank you! -Hey, Benjamin, how you doing?

Say hey.

Hey, I'm sorry. You can't come in here.

Come on, keep the line moving.

Keep it moving. Come on!

Say, um...

This may-- this may sound crazy.

I, I bring my lunch every day to eat in the park,

and I make these giant, these giant provolone cheese

and anchovy sandwiches.

Uh, we could go halfsies on it.

I love anchovies!

Okay, uh, then 12 o'clock, my counter

at children's disguises and party costumes?

Okay.

[Jerry] I'll hold this for you.

Oh, thank you.

Okay.

["Good King Wenceslas" playing]

[dog barking]

Is this the first children's book you're writing?

No, actually, uh, it's my 29th.

29th. Do I know your name?

Jerry Green.

-Hmm. -Jerome.

I don't think so.

Well, I've never been published.

[laughs]

I'm sorry,

-it just came out funny. -No, that's okay.

I keep submitting to the publishers,

and they keep looking at me like,

"What is this nonsense you're bludgeoning me with?"

Am I talking too much?

-No, not at all. -[dog barks]

What's your caterpillar's name?

It's Benjamin.

Is it really? From this Benjamin?

Well, that's terrific. [laughs]

We like that, don't we, Benjamin?

I thought about it, you know, when you were in the store.

It's a good name.

Benjamin.

It's a solid, thoughtful, uh,

distinguished name for a caterpillar.

It is a good name. I'm glad you picked it.

[church bell ringing]

Well, how do you like it?

[church bell ringing]

Hey, that's great. I love that!

I love this!

Thanks, you can have it if you want.

-I can? -Mm-hmm.

Will you sign it for me?

-[church bell ringing] -Okay.

Yeah, you oughta take your stuff, get it all together,

and take it around to a children's book publisher.

You really, um, Jenny Moore, have a lot of talent.

Thank you.

You know, I always wanted to do illustrations

-for children's books. -You ever try?

No, I used to. I mean, I went to art school.

But, well, you have to be in the right mood to draw.

[truck engine rumbling]

Maybe when himself starts the school.

[Jerry] He's your baby, isn't he?

[kissing loudly] Yes, he is.

And, uh, that's, that's probably your wedding ring there?

Yeah.

[pigeons squawking]

Oh, so this whole conversation is out of the question.

-No! -Well, no,

that's not exactly what I meant to say.

I meant, um...

-What? -More of a...

Oh, well, here, have a dirty pretzel.

Go ahead.

Eat it.

[laughs] There, you know,

like it's written in ancient books.

We exchanged gifts of food, so that makes us friends.

Provolone cheese and anchovy

isn't exactly honey and almonds.

[laughs] Listen, I usually end up

eating leftover baby food, things like chopped beets.

I mean, I hate to describe to you. [laughs]

How can you describe chopped beets?

[both laugh]

Except maybe purple.

[laughing] Yeah.

Oh, well, I wish you hadn't eaten

the other half of your sandwich.

I wish you were the babysitter.

-[dog barking] -[car engines rumbling]

Ah!

Gee, I, I gotta get outta here. Thanks for the drawing.

Oh, yeah, thank you for the sandwich.

You're welcome. Bye!

-Bye-bye. -See you, Benjamin.

-Say bye, Benjamin. -Bye-bye.

-Say bye-bye. -Hope I didn't talk too much.

-No. -No? Okay.

Really like talking to you.

Thank you.

[romantic music]

Okay, you gonna take this with you?

Yes.

I still think we should get him a larger size.

Why? It's a size 11. He's 11 years old.

For once he'll have something that fits him.

He'll outgrow it in six months.

So we'll buy him a new one.

Isn't that what being rich is all about?

This is for a normal 11-year-old, isn't it?

Uh, well, in terms of length, let's take length.

The tutu will hit him right about here.

And around the waist, uh...

see, see, this is a, this is a, this is a ballerina costume.

What about around the waist?

Well, he may have to cut down on sweets a little bit,

but that's a, that's a minor, uh-

Well, just put it in a paper bag.

For Christ's sake, let's not discuss it anymore. I'm hungry.

[sighs] You're always hungry.

Let's go down to PJ's and have a hamburger

[man] PJ's is 25 blocks away.

-I said I was hungry. -[romantic music]

[man speaking faintly]

I'm talking about the sexual favors

granted in exchange for concessions of supremacy.

Mm, you ever had to concentrate

while you're being attacked by artichoke?

Now, what are you talking about? What sexual favors?

Jerry, what I'm saying is

I'd marry you under the right conditions.

[mellow lounge music]

We never talked about marriage under any conditions.

That was one of our conditions.

Healthy companionship and occasional lust,

or occasional companionship and healthy lust.

I can't remember what you said, but you said it.

Well, I'm interested in a more permanent relationship.

[mellow lounge music continues]

[Helene] Jerry.

Yeah?

If we both understand that we're emotionally unstable

to begin with, you could even use the word crippled

if you want, then maybe we really got something going.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

Nothing.

Look, I don't mean to sound flippant, Helene,

but I think you're full of shit.

You see what I mean by crippled?

[chuckles]

[fork clangs]

Okay, Mr. Smartass.

This disgusting chicken pancake cost...

-five dollars and 65 cents. -Helene.

-For crying out loud. -Keep the change.

[mellow lounge music continues]

Come on, we can start negotiations for an apology.

-I'll take you to-- -No, thank you.

You just concentrate on that forest vinaigrette there

because one mistake, and you're in the Bellevue choke ward.

[mellow lounge music continues]

[patrons chattering]

I'm playing squash tomorrow instead.

[chuckles] But I'll probably get killed,

some new member who's supposed to be dynamite.

Jenny, you're not even listening to me.

Yes, I am.

Uh, what happened at your eight boring meetings?

Nothing spectacular.

I was quietly brilliant in seven of them,

and I reamed out Harvey Nicholson in the eighth.

Why?

Because it seemed like a good idea,

and it turns out it was.

First today.

[mellow lounge music continues]

We are invited to the Barkers' next weekend

in the company jet.

'Cause you reamed out Harvey Nicholson?

[mellow lounge music continues]

[patrons chattering]

[patron laughing]

[calm music]

Oh, by the way, I have a new secretary.

He's working out very well.

Good.

You didn't notice the "he." It's a man.

I'm sorry, I did. I should've said something.

I'm convinced it's a lot more prestigious

to have a male secretary.

It impresses the clients,

and it enhances my status with the company.

I mean, there's no question about that.

Sort of like getting the key to the executive men's room.

It's bigger and better than getting the key

to the executive men's room.

Goddammit, Jen, what the hell's the matter with you?

I suddenly don't feel, um...

could we go home?

You suddenly don't feel what?

Like staying. Do you mind?

Listen, Jenny, I'm tired and I'm hungry,

and I'm gonna eat my dinner.

Is that understood?

-Would you mind very much-- -No, I wouldn't.

All right, I'll see you at home.

[calm music continues]

-[chair scrapes] -[dishes clattering]

-[calm music continues] -[patrons chattering]

Sorry.

Hi!

Hello.

Hello.

You okay?

Yes, I can't get the door open to get my gloves.

The person I was with, we have this mutually destructive

working relationship,

sort of disagreed on life just now.

At least I think we did. I wasn't listening.

Would you rather be alone?

No, I'd rather not be alone.

[car horn honking]

Good.

You're a very nice man.

I don't know how to respond to that.

Well, you could agree.

Well, nobody ever said those exact words to me before.

Well, okay, I agree.

Only tentatively, though.

[car engine rumbling]

[chuckles] You know, if this hadn't happened tonight,

I was gonna, uh, look your number up in the phone book.

I think I would've probably called you.

I know I would've lurked in the park a lot.

[car horn honks]

[chuckles]

Maybe I should, uh...

just call you a taxi

and forget your name is Jenny Moore, and--

Please don't.

[clears throat] Uh, that was your husband, wasn't it?

Yes.

I, you know, was watching you.

You weren't really fighting.

Oh, we don't fight.

How can you be married and not fight?

I mean, that's sort of built into the concept, isn't it?

It's supposed to be healthy.

I mean, not that you should, you know,

beat each other over the head with tire chains.

How can I expect, you know, I mean,

just because you walked out of a restaurant

that you should, you know, I mean,

why should I think you have an unhappy marriage?

Uh, have you?

Yes.

And I don't know how to respond to that either.

Do I say I'm sorry or I'm glad?

You don't have to say anything.

[Ernest] Jenjamin, my love!

How's Benjamin?

Fine.

Marvelous, have fun. I am. [blows kiss]

[Jenny] Bye.

Who the hell is that?

-He and his-- -Hey!

wife are good friends of ours.

They live in our building.

[buzzer buzzing]

Oh, that-- that's helpful.

-[chuckles] -He won't say anything.

It'll amuse him not to.

Why is that amusing?

It's amusing if he takes your husband out for a drink

and drops the bomb and the tab on him all in one shot!

Now, that's amusing!

[car horn honking]

We just had our first fight.

-No, we didn't. -[romantic music]

[Jerry] Well, suppose he does tell your husband.

Well, then we can't help that, can we?

[dramatic music]

I love you.

Don't say anything.

Don't say anything. I know I have to handle it all by myself.

I have to figure out how to handle that.

No, I wish you'd say something.

You work on Sundays?

No, no.

I can be...

at the Museum of Modern Art

at two o'clock tomorrow.

Can you?

Yeah.

[gentle music]

Goodnight.

Let me walk you home, okay?

Now I need to be alone.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

[romantic music]

[Jerry whistles]

So, where's your husband?

I was wondering when I'd ask that.

Well, probably still at the office.

On a Sunday?

Well, beats being with your family.

Anyway, he was taking a client out to dinner.

He said he'd be late.

Well, let's not talk about him now.

[birds tweeting]

What's his name?

Oh, come on. It's Preston.

But let's not talk about it now.

[chuckles] Hey, look, that's fine with me.

I never wanna talk about him. What's he like?

Come on, let's see what the movie is.

[suspenseful music]

[Jerry chuckles]

Oh, hey, I almost forgot. Look at this.

I got this for Benjamin.

What is it?

Open it up!

[woman] Shh.

[sinister music]

[paper crackling]

[bells jingling]

[Jenny and Jerry laughing]

It's great. He'll love it. [laughing]

You can sort of muffle the bells a little.

-Okay. -[woman] Shh!

-Shh! -[suspenseful music]

It's a silent movie.

[woman] Some of us are trying to enjoy the film.

You could be deaf and enjoy the film.

Sorry, no offense, sir.

[dramatic music]

[Jenny laughing]

[woman] Shh!

Uh, I think it wants to go out.

[man] Will you be quiet?

Shh!

[bells jingling]

[dramatic music]

[bells jingling]

Well, we'll just say you're an unpublished,

well-known author who bought me a takeout Chinese dinner.

-[man] Hey, taxi! -I don't care if he walks in.

Well, here we are.

Good evening, Mrs. Moore.

Hello, Martin.

Hello there. Hi.

-[door clanks] -[bells jingling]

Hi. Did you get Benjamin to sleep?

No, I think he's getting a cold.

He's sorta got the sniffles.

Oh, okay. I'll check him.

Ooh, wonton soup for the boy later.

Flora, ask Martin to get you a taxi.

-[bells jingling] -And thanks.

-I'll see you tomorrow. -Well, it's after seven o'clock.

She said seven o'clock at the latest.

Oh, I didn't know.

Uh.

Goodnight!

Night.

-[door slams] -Whoever I am.

[car horn honking]

So, um, tell me about Preston.

I don't know if I can.

He wasn't what I thought he was,

or I wasn't what I thought I was.

I don't even know which.

But, uh... there's nothing there,

and we're just going through the motions.

It's nobody's fault.

Maybe the whole idea of marriage is too fragile.

No, no, it's not the idea that's fragile.

It's the people who aren't strong enough

to survive each other.

How's that for wisdom?

I don't know, but, uh...

I have three things to tell you that pertain.

[trash crackling]

One, I am an instantly breakable person.

I don't believe that. You're not, and neither am I.

Wait, two...

I'd marry you in four seconds, fragile or no fragile.

And three, I'm so in love with you

that I don't even understand it.

I love you, too.

You do?

Mm-hmm.

I, I can't believe that there's no, uh,

no chairs in a kitchen like this.

There's no place to sit down.

Come on.

[heels tapping]

[whimsical music]

[chuckles] Why me?

Why you? Why me?

Why you?

[Benjamin laughing]

It's the caterpillar!

[Benjamin speaking gibberish]

[whimsical music]

[Benjamin laughing]

At his age, if I woke up laughing

in the middle of the night,

the enema would've been connected in 30 seconds.

[whimsical music continues]

What are you doing?

[whimsical music continues]

Wow, what's that?

[Jenny] Go ahead and look. It's your caterpillar.

Look it! God, they're all over the place!

I'm surrounded by caterpillars.

They're great! Look at these!

All of them.

These are beautiful.

[bright music]

I can offer you instant poverty

plus an employee's discount at Macy's.

I accept.

Did I-- did I, I just ask you to marry me,

and you said yes?

Yes.

And you're sure?

[romantic music]

-I'm sure. -Shake.

[Jenny laughing]

[romantic music swells]

Uh, we have, uh, spectators.

Um, should we take a bow?

Oh, let's just wave with casual abandon.

Hello. How are you?

-[car horn honking] -[Jerry chuckling]

Oh, that's six.

Six what?

People who know about us, or guess,

not counting strangers.

Now, if they each tell two of their friends,

-it'll make-- -[person knocking]

It's Preston.

That's seven.

[Preston] Well, I didn't expect to see you here.

Come on in.

[man] I'm sorry to, uh,

I know it's your weekend, but this--

[Preston] Oh, it's no problem.

-He's got somebody with him. -[Preston speaking faintly]

Okay, there's a service entrance at the end of the hall.

Wait, wait! I gotta go down first, keep him occupied.

-Jenny! -What?

[man] I hope you can lend me some ice.

The freezer was just delivered this morning,

but I think, I think we've got something.

Do you really wanna divorce him and marry me?

Yes!

[man speaking faintly]

Well, then we might as well go down there and tell him.

When the other guy leaves--

No, I can do it, after you leave.

I mean, I've wanted to do it before.

I just never could, but I can do it now.

But why should you do it alone? We're together.

[Jenny exhales loudly]

Okay.

[door thuds]

Now?

Yeah.

-Okay, come on! -Okay.

This is gonna be awkward as hell,

but we're gonna manage it.

[whimsical music]

[sinister music]

[Jenny screams]

-Oh! -No!

[objects clattering]

[Jenny and Jerry panting]

Are you? [panting]

[Jenny screams]

[Jerry panting]

[Jenny whimpering]

He's dead.

[Jenny whimpering]

[panting] Stay here!

Stay right there.

[Jenny crying]

[Jerry panting]

[Jerry shouts]

[door slams]

[locks clattering]

[Jenny sobbing]

-Oh. -Jenny!

Jenny! I want you to do something, I mean, right now.

Where's the-- where's the phone down to the doorman?

Is there a house phone down to him?

-[Jenny sobbing] -Where is it?

In the bedroom. [sobbing]

Come on.

No, no, no!

-No, no! -Come on, come on.

-No, please! -Just don't look at it.

-We've gotta catch him. -[Jenny sobbing]

-Now, Jenny. -[phone ringing]

I can't.

-Let's call the police. -Shh, now, listen!

We can't call the police, not until you talk to the doorman.

Tell him that, uh, ask him if the-- the gentleman

who came in with Mr. Moore is still down there

looking for a taxi cab. I'll tell you what to say next.

[Martin] Doorman, can I help you?

Gentleman came in with Mr. Moore

is still down there looking for a cab?

No, your husband came in alone.

[Jenny whimpering]

Tell him, uh, tell him, "sorry."

"He's playing some kind of joke on me. Thank you."

Sorry, he's playing a joke on me. Thank you.

-[Jenny sobbing] -[phone receiver clicks]

He came in alone.

[sobbing] I don't understand talking to the doorman.

Why didn't you call the police?

[Jerry] We can't!

What do you mean we can't?

Because it's just gonna look to them as though we did it.

Husband surprises lovers.

Lovers stab husband with kitchen knife.

It's from your kitchen, isn't it?

He wouldn't have brought his own.

He couldn't have brought his own, come on.

[Jenny sobbing]

Jenny, Jenny, listen to me.

We've been seen falling in love by six people.

Your marriage was on the rocks. Somebody's gotta know that.

If we tell the police the absolute truth,

they're not gonna believe a word of it.

Jenny, is there anybody you know of

that would have any reason to kill your husband?

No.

We have a reason.

They're gonna suspect us, aren't they?

I think they'll arrest us.

Oh, what-- what about Benjamin?

I wasn't gonna mention that.

-Oh, oh. -No.

-Wait, Jenny! Jenny, wait! -No!

-No, don't! -Wait, shh, shh, shh, shh!

[Jenny sobbing]

It's okay. Don't worry, it's okay.

-Jenny. -[Jenny sobbing]

-What are we gonna do? -I'm gonna get a drink.

What's gonna happen to Benjamin? [sobbing]

[Jerry panting]

This may sound totally insane.

Here, drink this.

This is the only thing I can think of.

Jenny, Jenny, we're gonna do this by ourselves.

We're gonna find the murderer,

and we've gotta force him to confess.

How?

I haven't the slightest idea.

We've gotta also find some way

to hide his body without being seen.

Now, Jenny, it's either that,

or we call the police right now!

And believe me, I, I can't believe

they're gonna, they're gonna believe us.

-[Jenny sobbing] -Okay.

Where do we begin?

By thinking, by thinking,

really, really, really hard.

Well, what would the police do?

I mean, if they were us.

They'd question everybody you knew. We can't do that.

They'd find out who he had dinner with tonight.

Who did he have dinner with?

Oh, I don't know.

Did he-- did he have any kind

of a date book thing with him?

You know, like a, a memorandum deal that he wrote--

Yeah.

Okay, I'd better get that from his pocket in the kitchen.

[Jerry panting]

That's a positive approach, so that's what I'm gonna do.

[Jenny crying]

[eerie music]

Oh!

[coins clattering]

[eerie music continues]

There's nothing.

[eerie music continues]

[Jerry] Well, where else could we have put him?

There's no way to get him out of the building.

Come on, let's just think about tomorrow.

Oh God, I forgot about the office.

They're gonna be expecting him in there tomorrow morning.

How are we gonna handle that?

Jerry, I can't even think anymore. I'm so tired.

I have to sleep for a while. I'm sorry.

Go to sleep. That's good.

Will you stay with me?

I'm gonna stay with you. I'll stay with you.

-That's it. -[calm music]

[receptionist] Uh, yes, just a minute, please.

Mr. Little?

It's Mrs. Moore.

I'll take it in there.

[phone ringing]

-[Jenny] Hello? -Good morning, Mrs. Moore.

This is Herbert Little speaking.

I'm Mr. Moore's new secretary.

I'm afraid he hasn't arrived yet.

May I give him a message?

Uh, well, no, actually, he's here.

You see, I'm calling to let you know that, uh, he's ill.

The doctor just left, and, um, it seems he has the flu,

-uh, and laryngitis. -[Benjamin crying]

He can't talk at all. He really feels horrible.

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that, Mrs. Moore.

Is there anything we can do to help?

Um, no, thank you.

Um, he just needs to stay in bed and rest.

Now, he mustn't rush it. That flu can be really nasty.

Well, I'll, uh, notify everyone here, Mrs. Moore,

and if there's anything I can do,

-please let me know. -[Benjamin crying]

Okay, thank you very much.

Goodbye, Mrs. Moore.

-That was perfect. -It was not!

-No-- -It sounded so false.

-"It seems he has the flu"? -Jenny, it sounded fine.

That was just his secretary, not the district attorney.

Oh!

Forget everything after secretary.

Oh, God, I'm gonna be late.

Oh, I wish you didn't have to go to work today.

I know, it'll look better

if it starts out like a normal day.

I'll be back at lunchtime. I'll call you every half hour.

Somehow I'm gonna get off this afternoon.

I don't know, develop a toothache or something.

-Benjamin. -Oh!

-Oh. -Oh, nice shot, Benjamin.

Thank you.

Where do you keep the juice mop?

Don't worry about. Flora will get it when she comes in.

Oh, my God. I forgot about Flora.

Flora, what?

She'll be here any minute, the maid.

That ice cream in the freezer's her breakfast.

The ice cream in the freezer's her breakfast!

Well, tell her she can have the rest of the week off.

I mean, there's ice cream at Schrafft's.

[doorbell buzzes]

Oh, go out the service entrance, go!

-Where is it? -Right there!

[doorbell buzzing]

[Flora] Mrs. Moore!

[doorbell buzzing]

Just a minute!

Hmm.

[lock jangling]

-Flora. -Good morning, Mrs--

This was really a fantastic last-minute decision.

We're gonna go on a little trip.

Well, actually, it's a big trip.

Also, you have the rest of the week off with pay.

-I know you're surprised. -[Benjamin crying]

Gee, I'm so surprised. I didn't know.

Yeah, but I got a lot of cleaning to do.

Oh, we'll just let the dirt accumulate.

I hate that. Where are you going?

Uh, we're going to France,

the south, uh, Cape d'Antin.

That's in France.

-Oh. -[Benjamin crying]

So, um, so you have a wonderful rest,

and we'll call you when we get back.

With pay!

I'm sorry I didn't call you this morning.

We just decided right now. I'm trying to get--

What am I supposed to do all week?

Do whatever you want.

-[Benjamin crying] -Um, it's a great opportunity

to go to the movies, with full pay!

Um, I have to go pack. I'm, I'm not quite ready.

So go, enjoy yourself.

Have a good time. Bye.

[door slams]

-Oh, God. -[Benjamin crying]

[whimsical music]

No, it was an infantile temper tantrum.

I'm the first one to admit it,

and here I am punishing you by letting you ignore me.

That's even more infantile, justifying--

Helene, come on, I lost the whole point

in the second infantile,

now I got consumers here to contend with.

You've got another girl. That's your problem.

And she's married.

But don't expect me to flounce off biting my lip.

We're both free agents. If you wanna be a masochist, too,

-that's your business. -Wait a minute.

Excuse me.

Yeah, by all means, you're excused.

Jerry.

They didn't even look at me downstairs.

How I'm gonna get out is another question,

which I will worry about later.

In that bag there is Harvey Chortle, the talking bear.

Benjamin's gonna go out of his mind with joy.

Oh, he will.

I'm so happy you're here.

Okay. You all set?

Can you get your coat?

Yeah, here.

Good. Where's Benjamin?

He's upstairs.

I don't think he's gonna take a nap today.

Don't worry about him.

I'm a terrific pattycake player. Baker man, right?

Right.

Okay, now you remember everything you're gonna get,

his diary, his briefcase, any notes he's got on his desk.

Okay.

And I love you.

Okay.

Benjamin!

Hey, we're gonna get out of this.

Why shouldn't we get out of it?

I mean, once the clues start pouring in

and the killer's forced to expose himself,

we're out of it, right?

I mean, that's the pristine interpretation

of the problem of God.

Tell me a story, anything with rabbits.

[Benjamin speaking gibberish]

[chortling] Hello there, youngster.

My name is Harvey Chortle.

- What's yours? [chortling] -Harvey.

I hate you.

[Harvey chortling]

Okay, Benjamin, Benjamin.

[Benjamin speaks gibberish]

I wanna ask you some key questions here,

and I want you to forget about the, um...

the idea that, uh, we don't know who the killer is,

or nobody recognized him when he came in here.

Just forget about that.

Let's get right into who did it and why, okay?

-[Benjamin whimpering] -What?

[Benjamin whimpering]

Okay, key question number one:

Why would somebody who's not a burglar

wanna kill somebody else?

The guy's messing around with the killer's wife.

No, it's not that.

The, um...

the killee knows something

that would incriminate the killer.

That's a possibility. Okay, what could he know?

This is like a geometrical progression of ideas here, okay.

What could he know? Um...

Wait a minute.

He was in the insurance company, right?

Benjamin, you ever notice that insurance companies

play around with gigantic sums of money?

And where do they get the money?

They get it from selling policies

that become automatically void

as soon as you try and make a claim, that's where.

You're gonna to try to cash in

on your diaper rash insurance sometime.

You'll see what I mean.

[doorbell buzzes]

[Benjamin speaking gibberish]

Uh, who is it?

[man] It's police.

[Jerry] Could I see your identification, please?

[lock clicking]

Frank Danziger, 7th Pct. detective.

That's correct. This is just a routine check, sir.

Okay. Oh, my God.

You never can be too sure these days.

You couldn't be letting in God knows what, whom.

Oh, you know, that's actually the, uh,

the first police badge I've ever seen up close.

It must weigh a ton.

You just probably get a criminal

and hit him on the head with your wallet.

Apartment 22B, Moore, is that right?

Right, uh, what can I do for you?

How about, uh, the three fingers

of the finest imported scotch?

Look, sir, I can be outta here in a couple of minutes

if you just let me proceed.

Oh, by all means, uh, Detective, what was it?

-Danziger. -That's right, Danziger.

Um, you Mr. Moore?

No, no, uh, no, Mr. Moore is away on business.

I believe it's St. Louis this trip.

And Mrs. Moore is out shopping.

I'm, I'm from Surrogate Mothers Limited.

-I'm the babysitter. -[Benjamin crying]

And that's the baby.

-[Benjamin crying] -Oh, here I am.

Say hello to the detective, Benjamin.

Hey, maybe I should explain why I'm here.

Last night, a window was broken in the rear of the building.

It's the third one this month.

We think it's somebody with a BB gun or a slingshot.

-Oh. -So we're checking

all the apartments with windows in the rear.

So, can I take a look back, please?

In back.

That's where the rear windows are.

Oh, oh, yeah, that follows, yes.

[whimsical orchestral music]

This is our ultra-luxurious dining room.

And, uh, this here is your ingeniously designed kitchen.

There's a, there's a, there's sort of a funny

little dumb hall back here.

Say, uh, you haven't seen any kids

in the neighborhood with slingshots or BB guns, have you?

Never in my life.

[Danziger] Uh, back bedrooms?

Surely.

[whimsical orchestral music]

[Jerry] The, uh, the maid's room.

And, uh, whose room is this, Benjamin, huh?

That's a, that's the baby's room there.

[Benjamin cries]

Oh, and, uh, what's this here?

Oh, it's the, it's the linen.

This particular case must be a real mind-bender, huh?

A little humor there.

[whimsical orchestral music]

Same view from this bedroom?

[Jerry] Yes, indeed.

Here, we can go right, right down this way here.

Where, oh, uh, yeah, we can go the same way

we came in, all right.

[whimsical orchestral music]

Ah! Sorry, sorry.

That's definitely a no-fault situation.

Holy cow, the entire freezer fell open.

The reason I say "holy cow" is because I,

I'm not supposed to say "shit" in front of Benjamin.

One second, I'll be right with ya. [grunts]

I'll be right with you, one second.

There, ah, nobody's making hinges

like they used to, I guess. Onward.

[whimsical orchestral music]

Oh, here, Benjamin, play with Mr. Chortle.

Play with Mr. Chortle.

Play with him. Come on.

-[dramatic music] -[Harvey chortling]

[whimsical orchestral music]

All right, that does it.

Look, I'm sorry to have disturbed you, sir.

No, it's no bother.

-Say goodbye, Benjamin. -Say goodbye, bye-bye.

Thank you.

[Harvey] Would you like to give me

a nice, big, juicy kiss? [chortles]

Oh, that's sort of a, that's sort of a, uh,

-talking bear we got him. -[Harvey chortling]

[whimsical orchestral music]

[Harvey chortling]

[lock jangling]

[inhales deeply] Ah!

Ben, Benjamin?

Benjamin, Benjamin!

Oh, oh, come on, Benjamin.

How about a nap before we both get cranky?

-[head thuds] -Oh, Jesus, I needed that.

[Benjamin whimpering]

[Benjamin crying]

I'm terribly sorry

you went to all this trouble, Mrs. Moore.

We could've had it sent up by messenger.

Oh, it's no trouble.

I had to be in the neighborhood anyway.

Well, then, it's a pleasure to meet you in person.

Thank you.

[phone ringing]

Um, here's his briefcase.

Oh, thank you.

Now, if he wants any information from his desk diary,

you can just call me.

Oh, I've taken it.

So you have, good. He'll probably want to refer to it.

Ah, thank you very much.

Goodbye.

[marker squeaking]

[doorbell buzzes]

Just a minute, Mrs. Moore!

One second!

I finally-- I finally got Benjamin, uh, Benjamin to sleep.

I finally wore him out.

Another 10 minutes, he would've had me.

I'm surprised you got him to sleep at all.

I know, me, too.

I can state categorically, Mrs. Moore,

that, uh, Benjamin is not affected by the energy crisis.

If there's only some way you could hook him up to an engine,

you'd really save a lot of money on gasoline.

Uh, how much do I owe you?

Well, Mrs. Moore, there's the, um,

there's the four-hour minimum.

So that would be, uh, let's see, 12, uh,

12 dollars plus car fare.

Uh, that would be 13 dollars, okay?

Okay.

[marker squeaking]

[Harvey chortling]

What's this? PNMIM.

Oh, it's sort of a very expensive joke.

See, the NMI means no middle initial.

Preston doesn't, um-- Preston didn't have a middle name.

That's fairly hilarious.

Preston NMI Moore. Who gave this to him?

I mean, in your right mind,

you wouldn't buy something like this for yourself.

No, it was a Christmas gift from the Van Santens.

Van Santen, the guy who lives in your building,

the one who saw us kissing by the river.

[Harvey chortling] Rub my tum-tum-tummy.

It's all fuzzy-wuzzy.

Whose tum-tum-tummy is all fuzzy-wuzzy?

That must be Benjamin's.

It can't be Jenjamin's.

Oh, I wish you'd stop calling her that. Jenny!

Oh, no.

Jenny. Oh.

Jenny, I haven't seen you in days.

Oh, you look great.

Givenchy does it again.

Where have you been hiding?

Now, that is one hell of a bear, Benjamin. May I?

Are you ready? Now, listen to this.

[chortles] Would you like to give me

a nice, big, juicy kiss? [chortles]

That animal just made a pass at me.

[chuckles] Oh, oh, yes. Um, this is Jerry Green.

And this is Audrey and Ernest Van Santen.

-How do you do? -Hi there.

How are you?

I'm swell. How about you?

And what's the meaning of this,

hanging around of the park with a perfect stranger?

Oh, uh, I was just, I was just giving, uh,

Jenny tips on how to spot muggers.

The best way to tell is when their arm

-goes around your throat. -Oh, Jerry! [laughs]

He's an old friend. Um, we grew up together.

You don't mean you're from Buffalo.

Well, that's, that's not the kind of thing

we like to talk about.

Oh, Audrey, come on.

You know very well, I'm a born and bred Cincinnatian

[Jerry] Cincinnatier.

[Jenny] Right.

We've been joking about that since we were kids.

Look, we're just going back for drinks.

Why don't you join us?

Oh, I don't think so. But thank you anyway.

Of course you will.

You can leave Preston a note

to come over when he gets home.

Oh, Preston's in St. Louis on business.

Then don't leave a note. Come on, Mr. Green.

I'll wheel Benjamin. You can wheel Audrey.

If you just give me a push to get me started,

I think I can make it on my own.

Well, that's, that's fine with me if it's okay with Jenny.

[dramatic opera music]

Audrey, I need some lemon peel!

I'll get it!

Would somebody gather the goodies into the dining room?

[Jenny] Coming!

[opera singer vocalizing]

See if you can drop the tray.

It's that horrible dip Audrey makes.

-Ernest! -A paternal gesture, my love.

[opera singer vocalizing]

Well, here we are.

Oh, tell me, is that "Jerry" Gerald or Jerome?

Jerome. My mother was a nut for saints.

[opera singer singing in foreign language]

Excuse me, are you in any kind of acoustic pain?

What? Oh, I'll turn it down.

[opera singer singing in foreign language]

Excuse me.

[opera singer singing in foreign language]

[dramatic orchestral music]

Well, this beats sitting in the park, doesn't it?

Good booze, good neighbors, and an old Cincinnatier.

It's a shame Preston isn't here. When's he due back?

Oh, he didn't exactly know. Three or four days probably.

Well, here's to him, and up St. Louis.

-Yeah. -[Benjamin crying]

If you're worrying, don't. I speak no evil.

Well, Ernest, there's nothing to really--

Shh!

That gorgeous concoction is Uncle Audrey's health dip.

Yogurt and sunflower seeds, it detoxifies martinis.

And here's milk for Benjamin.

-Where is Benjamin? -Um...

[dramatic piano music]

[Jerry] Who the hell?

Who the hell is the, uh, [chuckles]

brash young man playing the piano?

That's Freddy. Chopin, isn't he marvelous?

You must have a fantastic taxidermist in the neighborhood.

It's a startling effect.

Oh, [laughs] they do that to everyone.

Don't you ever get tired of that, Ernest?

Never.

Don't be silly, darling. You've seen it a hundred times.

Jenny, why are you so nervous? Come, drink up your potion.

Well, it's probably because Preston is away,

But this lovely Mr. Green here.

Hello from Cincinnati.

[Audrey laughs]

We're just, we're just childhood--

Buddies.

[calm piano music]

Almost, not even.

[Benjamin laughing]

Zooms, Benjamin has the deadly nightshade.

Audrey, I'm sorry.

Don't be silly, darling. We can always grow another.

Can't you read the don't pick the flower sign yet?

Oh, he's a slow developer. Here, I'll get his milk.

[calm piano music]

No.

Ah, oh, I seem to have entered the dip.

Oh, what a shame. Here, let me get you a towel.

Uh, no, actually, this is my only good sleeve.

I better wash it off before it hardens.

Where's the bathroom?

Just take a right. You can't miss it.

I, I've never missed one in my life.

Oh, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, he is absolutely beautiful.

Tell mother, where did you really meet him?

Do I detect something more

than your maidenly blush on your damask cheeks?

[calm piano music]

[device ticking]

[calm piano music]

[audio warbling]

[Jerry] 12, uh, 12 dollars plus carfare,

uh, that would be 13 dollars.

[Jenny] Okay .

[calm piano music]

[Audrey] But have you tried?

Far be it for me, but shouldn't you take

a more progressive approach?

Are you sure he can't drink from a glass?

Ah, cold water, does it every time.

I learned it at my mother's, uh, my mother's knee.

If it dries, there'll be nothing but a big stain.

Well, I think it's time

for this little boy to go to bed.

But we've barely started!

Let him go. Put out some more flowers.

Another time, thank you. He's really tired.

Well, it was lovely.

I'll get the stroller.

Oh, thank you.

Jenny, my love.

Consider this your second home while Preston is away.

Except tonight, we're going to the opera.

This is a season of their own.

Audrey actually likes "Siegfried."

I hate the son of a bitch except for his hat.

What is your friend doing in the living room?

[Audrey] Jenny, let me get your coat.

Just admiring your carpet.

It's beautiful.

[calm piano music]

I love carpets. Love, love carpet.

Thank you.

Nice meeting you and your dip.

[laughs] Nice meeting you.

Ciao.

Ciao.

I'll speak to you tomorrow, Jenny.

[Jenny] Okay, bye-bye!

Bye.

[solemn piano music]

[Benjamin crying]

[door slams]

[elevator door rumbles]

[footsteps tapping]

What is it? What happened?

The receiver to our bug is in their apartment.

They're taping us.

I don't understand.

Neither do I, but the detective is not a detective.

And those people next door,

they're a part of this whole deal.

-Ernest and Audrey? -I heard the tape!

Well, I, they're our-- our friends.

Jenny, I don't know what they are,

but things are beginning to open up.

[Benjamin crying]

Put Benjamin, put Benjamin to sleep.

I'm gonna go look at the papers

you got from Preston's office.

[Jerry exhales loudly]

[door slams]

He's asleep.

You don't have to whisper in here. I checked the room.

Who is Garrett Frelinghuysen?

I don't know.

You don't know?

Preston was supposed to have lunch with him today.

No.

You never heard that name.

No.

Why does it seem familiar to me? Garrett Frelinghuysen.

What are these numbers?

[sighs] I don't know, it could be anything,

annuities or something.

And this, all this stuff is nothing.

It's all life insurance policies,

shipping insurance, endowments, endowments.

[sighs] Jewelry and fur floater.

Oh, and that's Garrett Frelinghuysen.

No wonder it sounded familiar. I just saw it.

The whole thing means nothing.

Okay, what about, uh, Ernest and Audrey?

What do they do for a living?

Nothing. Audrey has money.

I think they play the market.

Have you ever, uh, met anyone over at their place

named Frank Danziger?

[Jenny] No.

Well, that's probably not his real name anyway.

He's a horribly large person, sort of looks like a trunk.

Who is he again?

[Jerry] He's the detective who's not a detective.

He's got a real badge, though. He can park anywhere.

He coulda killed Preston.

Ernest coulda killed him, too, maybe like this.

Okay, they're across the hall in their apartment.

They, uh, they're looking through their peephole.

They see Preston come out of the elevator.

One of them opens the door and says, "Hi there.

How about a night cap?"

You know, and so it went...

maybe.

But what would their motive be?

Well, I don't think Ernest could be involved in a murder.

Then what was the tape recorder doing over there?

I don't know.

Okay, we'll tape record them.

Oh, you are gonna put the microphone in their apartment?

Right, while they're at the opera.

Oh, how?

I don't know. I'll have to break in there somehow.

Oh, that's terrific.

Yeah, and I'll run this, uh, wire along the terrace.

You can't!

Why? I've got plenty of wire.

That's not what I mean!

I mean this whole thing is stupid,

-and we're amateurs! -Jenny, wait!

And you can't just go around doing that!

-Jenny, Jenny, wait, wait. -Just, I mean,

-it's not gonna work, you know? -Wait, wait!

Listen, listen, when I was a kid, when I was a kid,

my father had one word of advice he gave me.

I'll never forget it. You know what he said?

"Jerome, if ever you are in serious,

deep, desperate trouble, remember that God

in His infinite wisdom has ordained

that I'll be playing pinochle,

and you'll handle the whole thing yourself."

[chuckles] You're trying to make me laugh.

Oh, you laughing may be, uh, too broad a gesture.

A simple smile may be more appropriate.

[Jenny laughing]

[Jenny] How are you gonna get around that barrier?

Jerry, you can't possibly go over that.

Really a decorative number, huh?

Good neighbor, contemporary Gothic.

Jerry.

It's okay. I'll be right back.

If I'm going.

-Jerry! -No, I'm going, okay.

[Jenny] Be careful.

No, no, no, the, the, uh, tricky part,

tricky part is, uh, is, uh, somehow getting

through their French doors,

which are probably locked. [chuckles]

[barrier creaking]

And then I've got to, uh, cleverly hide the mic,

and then, I've got to run the wire

back along the terrace without anybody seeing me.

Ah, this, uh, climbing out on the ledge part

[siren blaring]

facing instant death plus prolonged screaming

on the way down is relatively simple.

[siren blaring]

Oh, I'm surprised I thought of it.

-[Jerry and Jenny shout] -[objects clattering]

That's okay, I got it. It's okay.

[horn honks]

[horn honks]

[door creaks]

[cars whooshing]

[door clicks]

[footsteps tapping]

[hammer knocks]

[shoes squeaking]

[leaves rustling]

[lively piano music]

Oh!

[lively piano music continues]

Oh!

[lively piano music continues]

[Jenny] What happened?

They're dead.

-Dead! -Both of them.

They're in there with big knives sticking out.

-Oh, no! -Completely killed.

I mean, they are dead, totally.

-Oh, shit. -What?

I gotta go back in there and get the tapes they made of us.

No, no, you can't!

Go get Benjamin dressed. I'll be back.

-No! -We gotta get outta here.

Hurry!

-[footsteps tapping] -[Jerry panting]

-[objects clattering] -[Jerry shouts]

[Jerry gasps and shouts]

It's only golf clubs!

[Jerry retching]

When it's really crucial, I never throw up.

[Jerry gasping]

[toilet flushing]

Oh, God, no luck.

-[Jerry panting] -[water whooshing]

[recorder clicking]

[water gurgling]

[water splashing]

[water gurgling]

[taxi engine rumbling]

[taxi door clicks]

[horn honks]

[taxi door slams]

I have to get Benjamin down as soon as possible.

[Jerry] Do you think they're real?

Now, that's a stupid question.

Who's gonna hide fake jewelry in a toilet?

Garrett Frelinghuysen, jewelry and furs floater.

You think this stuff's worth a million and a half bucks?

26-carat, square cut, blue-white diamond ring.

Diamond pendant containing,

ruby necklace, emerald choker.

That's a painful item. Look, it's all here.

And Preston was supposed to have lunch with him today.

Guess what? [chuckles]

What?

I think I know maybe how it all fits together.

Yeah?

See if this makes sense.

I remember once Preston telling me

that his company made private deals

to have stolen merchandise returned to the clients,

and then they paid the thieves half the insured value.

It was all done very quietly without involving the police,

and it helped the company save money.

He was very proud of that.

Preston...

he was the company man who briefed Ernest

or, or whoever on which clients had what jewelry where,

and then he made the, the deals

for the payments after the jewelry was stolen

for a cut of the money.

Look at this. Look at these numbers!

A million and a half dollars worth of jewelry stolen, right?

Okay, the company's willing to pay half to get it back.

That's 750,000 dollars divided by four shares.

That's Ernest, Audrey, Danziger, and Preston.

And then it's divided by three shares.

Well, maybe Preston was demanding a third

instead of a quarter, and they killed him for it.

And then Danziger killed Ernest and Audrey

because this last haul was really gonna be a big one.

He wanted it all for himself,

and I surprised him in there when he was looking for it!

But why would they kill Preston?

He was their middleman.

It makes sense, and it doesn't make sense.

Oh! Ooh, damn!

Jenny?

Oh, oh, I think I have a plan

which is so insane I hesitate to even think I thought it.

You see, the only one left in this thing is Danziger, right?

And that's obviously not his real name,

so we have no way of finding him

without me risking my life, which is part of the plan.

Oh, come on.

[Jerry] No, likewise, he has no way of finding us.

Ernest and Audrey knew your name.

If they told him, all he has to do

is look it up in the phone book

Not listed.

In New York, the heavy breathers call fellas, too.

So Jenny, so you and Benjamin,

you're totally safe here, totally.

You see, somebody's gonna start discovering

these dead bodies pretty soon,

so I can't waste time, and neither can Danziger.

If he wants to find the jewelry,

he's gotta go back there and look for it.

So according to my plan,

no, you'd have me committed if I told you. [sighs]

[romantic music]

[thunder rumbling]

[rain pattering]

Oh, boy, in the midst of all this terror,

I just had a really terrifying thought.

What?

Suppose you spent the rest of your life in Cincinnati.

Don't ever say that again.

Let's just talk about how happy I am you woke me.

[romantic music continues]

[thunder cracks]

-[thunder rumbling] -[romantic music continues]

[light-hearted music]

Oh, Benjamin, I swear I'm gonna make this up to ya.

[chortling] Hello there, youngster.

My name is Harvey Chortle.

- What's yours? -[Jenny laughing]

[Harvey chortling]

[light-hearted music continues]

Diamonds into the abdominal cavity, and suture.

[solemn music]

Hey, Jerry, what are you doing in so early?

Oh, I'm, uh, I'm sort of, uh, lobbying

for daylight saving to come back.

[ominous music]

Hi, Judy.

[whimsical music]

[solemn music]

[whimsical music]

Good morning, sir. Can I help you?

Yes, I'm Dr. Robertson, Mr. Moore's physician.

He's expecting me.

Oh, yes, got the flu, has he?

Yes, he has.

So I'll just go right up because this is a house call.

[whimsical music]

Information regarding jewelry available,

Macy's toy department today only after 2 p.m.

Wear a beret.

[dramatic music]

[whimsical music]

[paper crackling]

[jarring music]

Oh!

Oh.

D-Danziger, is, is that you? Oh!

[footsteps tapping]

Oh. [panting]

[door thuds]

[paper crackling]

Well, how is Mr. Moore?

Stand back. I'm covered with germs.

[bells jingling]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

[Jerry] Jenny, uh, so far everything's fine,

except for one item.

Are you sitting down?

Frank Danziger, he's lying besides Ernest.

He's got a big knife sticking out of his back.

It's like it's a new fad.

Jenny, are you listening?

Yeah.

So we have an entire new maniac on our hands.

We don't know who the hell he is.

I got that note up there in Ernest and Audrey's apartment.

I think maybe we're in trouble.

Jenny?

Jenny, do you hear me?

I think we have to go to the police, I mean--

We can't! They're gonna think I killed Danziger.

Look, I'll call you back later.

Jenny, I love you. I want you to stay there.

Don't move. Lock up everything in sight.

How's Benjamin?

[footsteps tapping]

The dentist gave me such a shot of Novocain,

I'm numb all the way down to my hip.

Total gum replacement.

Right after lunch, I gotta tell the supervisor.

[whimsical music]

[foreboding music]

[phone ringing]

[phone continues ringing]

[foreboding music continues]

[phone continues ringing]

[phone receiver clicks]

[foreboding music continues]

[dial tone buzzing]

[foreboding music continues]

Helene, I need a favor.

What's the matter with you? You look terrible.

-I know. -I didn't mean that

in the sense that I'm gonna invest myself emotionally

in any effort to make you look better.

No, I wouldn't want you to do that, but thanks.

You know, in the basement, there's an entire orgy

of animals that you could relate to.

Orgy? Come on, Helene, this is important.

Do you know where I was last night?

-Oh, please, Helene, I'm-- -In a singles bar all by myself.

Helene, I'm talking life and death.

You're talking loneliness. Now, listen to me.

-I am not! -This is important.

Do you think I came out of there by myself? Wrong.

I went home with maybe the most beautiful man

I've ever met, inwardly.

What do you mean, life or death?

I can't explain it.

Look, would you just do this one favor for me?

What?

Do you see the man in the beret over there?

-Well, that one over there? -Yeah.

Look I want you to give him this note and walk away.

-That's the entire favor. -But why?

Just do this for me, will you, please,

for old times' sake?

Do it, do it because God is good,

and he gave you this beautiful inward man.

What God? I found him myself.

Okay, Jerry, for old times' sake,

and I should have my head examined.

You know, you really do look terrible.

Thank you.

[patrons chattering]

[heels tapping]

[Helene speaking faintly]

[heels tapping]

[suspenseful music]

[sinister music]

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Excusez-moi, monsieur.

I no speak English.

[speaking in French]

Uh.

[speaking in French]

[speaking in French]

Uh, oh...

[speaking in French]

...advertisement.

Um, it's, um, for, for the store,

[speaking in French]

...to sell toys.

[speaking in French]

It's advertisement, you know.

[speaking in French]

[speaking in French]

No, merci, monsieur, merci.

[phone ringing]

Jenny!

What happened?

I called you, and they said you went to lunch.

I couldn't just sit there by myself.

I wanted to be with you.

Where's Benjamin?

I took him to Flora's apartment in the Bronx.

What's the matter?

Nothing. What'd she say?

Nothing. She was actually grateful.

She was tired of dusting her own things.

[door squeaks]

[door creaks]

I will accept 25,000 dollars cash for the jewels,

no questions asked.

Obey these instructions exactly.

Just pretend you're, uh, shopping, okay?

See ya, Helene. Have a good one, huh?

Goodnight!

[man over intercom] Macy's will be closing in two minutes.

Thank you.

Jerry, what do we do when the store closes?

We have to stay outta--

we have to stay outta sight somewhere till 9:30.

Probably the best place to hide is in the movies

if there's something decent playing.

Then at 9:30, I've gotta be

-in a phone booth. -[Jenny clearing throat]

This is our, um, our most popular model.

It's, uh, genuine cast iron, completely harmless

unless it falls on your foot.

[foreboding music]

The notes are already planted around the city.

Now, the instructions that I gave the man in the beret,

give him the phone number of the booth I'm in.

He's gonna call me at exactly 9:35.

I'm gonna tell him the position of the first note.

[foreboding music continues]

The final note is gonna send him right here.

Harvey Chortle is downstairs in the store window.

So when he gets here to break in the window,

the police will be ready and waiting for him.

That's the worst plan

that ever got thought up in recorded history.

But it's okay, don't worry about a thing

because I have a contingency plan for that, okay?

Here's my contingency plan:

We're gonna go to the police.

We're gonna tape record the entire story.

I'll leave it with my lawyer, and we'll go to the police.

I haven't got a lawyer.

I have.

Hey, hey, you know the wisest move I ever made?

What?

When I dropped the pretzels all over the floor.

[eerie music]

Where are we going?

There's probably nothing decent playing at the movies.

Let's stay here, huh?

I know a perfect place we can make the tape recording.

We can spend one last night together, huh,

before we tell the police.

-[alarm bell ringing] -[foreboding music]

Okay, all the elves have gone home. Come on.

Santa said we could use his place for a while.

[footsteps tapping]

[footsteps tapping]

That's the watchman. He'll be gone in a minute.

[thud]

Okay.

[door creaking]

[footsteps tapping]

-[gun clicks] -Hello, Mrs. Moore.

Who the hell is that?

Preston's secretary.

I think you both better come with me.

Excuse me, is that item you're pointing at us

an actual real gun with a silencer on the end of it

that would kill both of us and no one would even hear it?

That's what it is.

Ah, okay, well, that's an exceptionally persuasive item.

We're on our way.

So you're Preston's secretary, huh?

This way, please.

How are things at the office?

Straight ahead.

-Oh! -Whoa!

Just stand there. That's fine.

[Jenny whimpering]

[Jenny panting]

That's the night watchman, isn't it?

[Herbert] Yes, it is.

And he's dead?

That's right.

That's probably your knife sticking out of him?

Right again.

So you killed him?

Yes, I did.

[Jenny panting]

[Jerry] What's his name?

[Jenny] Herbert Little.

Oh, oh!

Okay, Mr. Little, come on. We haven't got all night.

What do you want? We haven't got all night.

Agreed, I'd, uh, like you to hand over the jewelry to me.

It's that simple.

Jewelry? What are you talking about?

You don't mean my jewelry?

Look, I'm, I'm tarnished all the way up to my elbow

from my wristwatch alone.

-You don't need it. -[Herbert laughing]

[Jerry] Look it, he's laughing.

You're laughing?

You just stabbed somebody,

and you're standing here laughing?

You're a maniac! Do you know that?

But go ahead anyway. What jewelry?

All right, we'll get this as clear as possible,

the Frelinghuysen jewelry.

Oh, yeah, well, why didn't you say so?

How do you know we have the Frelinghuysen jewelry?

[paper crackling]

Oh, that.

You, you were going to try to lead me

on a childish treasure hunt

right into the arms of the police.

What an incredibly simple-minded idea.

-That I'll give you. -So now I'd appreciate it

if you'd just hand over the jewelry.

Well, suppose we don't, huh?

-I'll kill you. -Right here in Macy's?

Look, my friend, I have already killed

-four people for that jewelry. -No, five!

-Four! Four! -Five!

I believe it is, sir, Mrs. Moore's husband.

That's one.

Ernest and Audrey Van Santen.

-That's two, three. -Danziger.

-Four. -And now the night watchman.

-That's five. -Oh.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

-I'm lousy at arithmetic. -No, no, you're right.

That's five.

So two more won't make any difference, will we?

None at all.

[Herbert laughs]

Well, we better give it to you.

I think so.

Well, it's right here in the store,

so we'll all just go.

We'll get it, and we'll give it to you.

Let's do that.

[Jenny whimpering]

Consider it done.

I, I just have a couple of questions

I'd like to ask you first.

It's, uh, sheer, uh, sheer curiosity is all it is.

Shoot.

Okay, um, you're Mr. Big

of this whole dead group of jewel thieves, right?

-Right. -We won't go into the fact

that your name is Herbert Little.

We'd all end up on the floor screaming from that.

-[Herbert guffawing] -Jerry, Jerry!

So my question is, if you're such a bigshot,

how come you're Preston's secretary?

Come on now. Let's keep moving.

Wait a minute.

Preston didn't even know you or Danziger.

He only dealt with the Van Santens

who got him involved in this thing in the first place.

Am I right, huh? Huh?

-Right, right. -Am I right about all this?

You know, you're an extremely intelligent man.

You worked your way in as his secretary

so you had access to all his files

-on who owned what jewelry. -That's right.

-So you didn't need him anymore. -Yes.

-Am I right? -Right!

And he was demanding a bigger cut.

-That's right! -And so you stabbed him!

Unbelievable! You're on the nose.

Then the rest of the killings,

they were pretty, pretty much out of sheer greed,

and they were pretty disgusting,

if you don't mind me saying so.

Am I right about all this?

You are right. Can we get the jewelry now?

We're gonna need, uh, some flashlights.

[footsteps tapping]

Yeah, uh, this is something that we, uh, here it is.

Yes, we definitely need some light for this.

This is your, uh, Sunny Jim Big Beam Special.

This'll shine right through a brick wall!

-Ah, no! -[screams]

Don't reach for that gun!

I'll shoot you through whatever part

of your body, you name it.

Now, put your hands up. Put 'em up!

Walk back. Move back!

[chuckles] You haven't got a gun.

Oh, yeah? What do you call this, Mr. Smartass, huh?

[Herbert laughing]

Jerry! Oh, oh!

Jerry!

[Jerry and Herbert grunting and shouting]

-[Jenny screams] -[glass shattering]

-[Herbert grunting] -Jerry!

[gun clattering]

[Jenny screaming]

Oh, I'm never gonna amount to anything.

I just threw the gun away!

I had him! Oh, God, I had him!

[lively music]

Where are we going?

I know this place like the back of my own hand.

Guard!

Guard!

-Guard! -He's got a knife!

Right. Guard!

There's a genuine living armed guard in this place

taking a terrific nap in the basement, come on!

[lively music]

[ominous music]

[lively music]

[sinister music]

[footsteps tapping]

[lively music]

Guard!

Guard! Come on!

[lively music continues]

[Herbert cackling]

[ominous music]

You oughta be in the office transcribing dictation!

-[Herbert cackling] -You maniac! Go!

[dramatic music]

Watch that stuff. It's hot.

[Herbert cackling]

[foreboding music]

[electricity buzzing]

[footsteps tapping]

Come on. Come on, you want the jewels or what?

Come on! You got us!

We give up! We're sorry!

Okay, come on, you've got us now.

-Do you want the jewels? -Yes.

If you want the jewels, you'll get them!

[doll thunking]

[laughs] Come on!

Guard! Guard!

[plastic sheeting crackling]

[suspenseful music]

[objects creaking]

Come on, Herb!

We're all mad as hatters here, just like you.

[suspenseful music]

[whimsical music]

[suspenseful music]

[whimsical music]

[suspenseful music]

[whimsical music]

[ominous music]

Give up, Herb. Even the rabbits are trying to kill you!

[Herbert shouts]

-[jarring music] -Jenny!

Jenny, get that Jack-in-the-box!

[whimsical music]

Herb, put down the knife!

[eerie music]

Come on, Jenny!

No!

[eerie music continues]

Herb, put down the knife!

Come on, we can always call the guard!

[jarring music]

[suspenseful music]

[dramatic music]

[boxes clattering]

[lively music]

[Jerry grunts]

[cart creaking]

Okay.

-[door clanking] -Oh!

Oh.

Oh, God, I hope the sound was turned up enough.

[Herbert] I'll kill you.

-[Jerry] Right here in Macy's? - Look, my friend,

I have already killed four people for that jewelry.

- No, five! - Four.

I believe it's five, sir.

- Four. - Mrs. Moore's husband.

That's one.

Oh, beautiful.

Ernest and Audrey Van Santen.

- That's three. - Danziger.

Oh, this oughta do it.

And now the night watchman, that's five.

Correct me if I'm wrong.

- I'm lousy at arithmetic. - No, no, you're right.

That's five.

So two more won't make any difference, will we?

-None at all. -Well, we better give it to you.

I think so.

Okay, well, it's right in the store.

[Jerry panting]

[Jerry groans]

[door rumbles]

[cart creaks]

There's a police station on 35th and 8th Avenue.

[cart clattering]

Oh, God, it just occurred to me.

On account of recording this maniac,

I erased all my notes on the caterpillar book.

Oh! [laughing]

[romantic music]

♪ Love keeps getting stronger every day ♪

♪ And you grow more beautiful in each and every way ♪

♪ And I swear I love you more ♪

♪ Than I did the day before ♪

♪ Love keeps getting stronger every day ♪

♪ And the things I'm feeling are impossible to say ♪

♪ Honey, you'll just have to take my word ♪

♪ For all those lovely things you've never heard ♪

[romantic music]

♪ Love keeps getting stronger every day ♪

♪ All I really wanna do is my whole life loving you ♪

♪ Baby, please believe me when I say ♪

♪ Love keeps getting stronger ♪

♪ Yes, it keeps on getting stronger ♪

♪ Love keeps getting stronger ♪

♪ Love keeps getting stronger ♪

♪ Yes it keeps on ♪

♪ Yes it keeps on ♪

♪ Yes, it keeps on ♪

♪ Yes, it keeps on ♪

♪ Don't you know it keeps on ♪

♪ Don't you know it keeps on ♪

♪ Yes, it keeps on ♪

♪ Yes, it keeps on ♪

♪ Love keeps getting stronger ♪

♪ Every day ♪

[gentle music]

♪ Every day ♪