All language subtitles for Key.And.Peele.S01E07.Bobby.Mc.Ferrin.VS.Michael.Winslow.BluRay.x264.AAC.2.0-LeRalouf

- It's like a low-risk
opportunity.

So I'm looking forward
to it, we'll see.

All right, gentlemen.
Take care. See you soon.

Good looking out.
Take care.

All right, man.
All right, take care.

See you.
Ooh.

I'm a lefty, so-

Yeah!

- Whoo!

- All right, yeah.
- All right!

- Thank you.

- Thank you!

Thanks so much for coming out.
I am Keegan.

- And I am Jordan.
- And this is Key and Peele.

- Welcome to the show.
- Welcome.

- All right.

- So Jordan and I
have this ongoing competition

about which one of us
is blacker, yes.

- Haha.
Clearly me, clearly me.

- No, no, how is that
even possible?

I'm from one of the blackest
parts of the planet.

- Michigan?
- Yeah.

I'm from Detroit, okay?

Detroit's black enough
for the whole state, all right?

We had a mayor who used to have
a nameplate

on his desk
that said "HNIC."

For those of you who don't
know what that means,

it means,
"Head Nigga In Charge."

The mayor.
- Okay, okay.

- Whatever, man.
I'm from NYC, baby, NYC.

- Oh, okay.

- Straight up.

Ah ha ha!

- No, no, no, no.

- It's the blackest town
in the world, baby.

- Jordan, why don't-
do you care to tell

the audience
where you are from in NYC?

- W-okay.

- Tell them where you're from
in NYC, exactly.

The exact kinda location
of where you're from.

- Manhattan. I'm from Manhattan.
- No, no, no, no.

Where exactly in Manhattan
do you live, Jordan?

Where in Manhattan
did you grow up?

Where you grew up?
Where you grew up?

- Upper west side,
but still.

Yo, check it.
All right, all right.

Dude, NYC, baby.
- Uh-huh.

- Home of Alvin Ailey,
the Harlem renaissance.

J-
- Joy Behar!

- Okay...

first of all, Joy Behar
will shoot you in the face.

So watch your shit.

Secondly, I don't understand
how you could possibly

think you're blacker than me.
- I am.

- Motherfucker,
you drive a Prius.

You saw Warhorse.

Plus, you married
a white woman.

Oh, actually you win.
'Cause that-

So glad we could bring this
project to this neighborhood.

- It's so rich
in history.

- I grew up in a neighborhood
like this.

- Oh, yeah, I grew up
in a neighborhood

exactly like this.

- All right,
welcome to Mama Sugarback's.

Y'all ready to order?
- Yeah.

Can I have a chicken fried steak
with gravy and a cola?

- Okay.

- I will have the baked beef
short ribs with collard greens,

and throw down
some of that cornbread.

- All right, babe.

- You know what?
Hold up a second.

I'm also gonna have
some of them

collard greens and cornbread
as well,

but hook a brother up
with some of them hot links.

- All right.
- All right.

- You know what?
Why am I trying to front?

Scratch all that.

Give me some okra
and some fried red snapper.

And, girl, you know I want
some chitlins.

- All right now.

- Y'all got ham hocks?

- Of course.
- Well, that's what I want.

I want a plate of ham hocks,
deep-fried, blackened,

and served on a bed
of mustard greens.

- Pig feet.

I want some pig feet
and four pounds of grits.

And oh, oh!
And you know what else?

Give me a little Dixie cup
full of lard, all right?

- I just remembered what I want.
A bowl of mosquitoes.

None of them tiny ones either,
give me them big motherfuckers

you find
down at the swamps.

- Sister, could you please
hook a brother up

with a rusty bucket
full of fish heads

wrapped in razor wire?

- Donkey teeth.
- Donkey teeth?

- Straight out
a donkey's mouth.

You know what? Fuck it.
Any animal tooth will do.

I want you to stick it
in some honey glaze,

fry it with fat back,

and serve it
in an old tin coffee can.

- Forget everything I said
up to this point right now.

Bring me some dandelion greens,
a cow hip, and a dog face.

Wrap that whole mess
in an old Ebony magazine,

and serve it to me
in a shoebox.

- Okay, I want a platter
of stork ankles,

an old cellar door,
a possum spine,

and a human foot.

- You want a human foot?

- Mm-hmm.

- I got just one question
for y'all.

- You want gravy
on that cellar door?

- Oh, definitely.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
You gotta put gravy on that.

- What's a cellar door
without gravy?

- It's not food.

- Mmm.

- It's really-

- Ugh.

- Ah, man, I really had
to get out of the house.

- I was glad you came out.
- I appreciate it.

- For real.

- Look here,
you check this girl out, man.

She is fine.

- She all right.
- Really?

- Hey, man, I am going to go
to the bathroom.

- Okay, man.
See you in a minute.

- You know what?

I told myself this morning
I wasn't gonna fall in love.

You went and made me break
my only rule.

I'm gonna take that
right quick-

I am going to take that.
I'm going to use that.

Okay.

- Oh, hey, what's up, man?
You just got her number, huh?

- Yeah, Cheyenne.
- Oh, is that her name?

- Yeah, she was fly-y.

- That's the girl
I was talking about.

- Oh, snap. Are you serious?
- Yeah, dude.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It ain't no thing, man.

Forget it.
There's plenty of hotties here.

- I just thought you
were talking about someone else.

- Check her out.

- I'm not a sports man,
but...

think me and you
could touch down later,

if you know
what I'm saying.

Am I being stupid?
But for real though.

Just give me your number,
whatever.

Thank you, girl.
I'ma take that from you.

- How did you get
over here so fast?

- Huh?

- Nothing.
It just seemed like you-

- Oh, damn.
That reporter is smokin' hot.

What the fuck?

No.

No!

Huh?
Yeah.

No.
No!

- Hey, baby.
- How are you-

are you doing that?
- Honey, what's wrong?

- Oh, baby, I love you.

I'm sorry.

I was out, I was looking
at other women tonight.

But you are all there is.

All right,
I love you.

- All right,
so Keegan has two dogs,

which he has no control over
whatsoever.

- That's not true.
That's not true.

- That is true.

- The little one
I've got some control over.

The big one's an asshole.
- No.

They don't listen to him.

I don't understand
why you talk to them like that.

My man will be like,
"Hey, Levi, would you stay away

from that Architectural Digest
magazine?" What's that?

- Because-what's that?
He understands me.

It's because he understands me.
- No, he does not.

- Yes, he does.
- And by the way...

I'm allergic to dogs, okay?

Most people keep their dog
in a bathroom when I come over.

When I go over his house,
his dogs talking about-

Comes right up to me.

And what do you say?
- I say "Levi,

"what are you do-
Get outta here.

"What are you doing?
What are you doing?

"What are you doing?

Are you doing it right now?
What are you doing right now?"

- This is his dog.
- "Get away from him. Levi!

"Get away from him.
Would you get away from him?

"Get away from him!
Get away from him!

"Get awa-
Get away!

"Are you still standing there?
Get away from him!

"Would you get away
from Jordan, please?

Get away!"
- He's not listening to you.

- And he-'Cause eventually
he leaves after the 50th time.

He leaves.
He leaves.

- That's boredom, my friend.
That is boredom.

- When she does talk,
like, you're listening.

- Yeah, oh, my God.
Last time, I was like,

"Who are you?
You're brilliant."

- I know.
- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God!
- Amy, look at that one!

- Oh, Megan!
- He is so cute.

- That is
the cutest effing puppy

I've ever seen
in my entire life.

- Oh, my God,
I'm just gonna take him,

and I just wanna bite
his little ears off.

- I just wanna take
his little legs,

and I could snack on 'em
like chicken drumettes.

- Yeah, I just wanna take
his fuzzy little perfect head.

I wanna put it in my mouth
and squeeze down on it hard

until I have a puppy face
diamond in my mouth.

- Mm, I feel like I have
to wrap his face in a towel,

and then beat it
with a tire iron.

- I'm going to buy that dog,
I'm going drive him to the vet,

and I'm going to have him
put down immediately.

Oh, my God.

You what I'm gonna have to do?
- What?

- I'm gonna have to take
that scruffy little nose...

- Yes.
- And just kick it.

I just have to-
- Yes.

- I would kick it
until it comes up on my shoes

like little puppy
snout slippers.

And then I'm gonna go
to a party and everyone's like,

"Oh, my God, where'd you
get those slippers?"

I'll be like, "These are
my face slippers

from my adorable,
dumb little puppy."

- That's exactly what
I was going to say!

- ESP!

- Oh, my God, I just wanna
take his head.

I wanna peel the skin
off of his skull.

- I know where you're going.

- I wanna just start throwing it
up like pizza dough

until it's long, flat,
and round.

I wanna take it to a picnic and
toss it around like a Frisbee

at a puppy-face-Frisbee
picnic!

- Let's get him!
- Yeah!

- So cute.
- So cute.

Oh, my God,
is it me,

or is it like totally
mosquito-y out here?

- Oh, my God,
remember this one?

He was so cute.
- So cute.

- And now,
ladies and gentlemen,

the man you've been waiting for,
Mr. Michael Winslow!

- Go get 'em, Winslow.

Bring the noise!
Bring the noise.

Another sold-out night
for the Kings of Mouth Noise.

I tell you though,

we wouldn't have this audience
without Winslow.

Lucky for you, huh?

Those Police Academy fans.

Look at all the tee shirts.

Six sequels.
Can you believe it?

Every sound effect
this guy makes

is like a little, tiny Mona Lisa
popping out of his mouth.

Have you ever heard him do

the walking
through the leaves

in the fall
while eating an apple-

Whew!

Whew!

- Shing.

Ting, ting, ting.

- Ting, ting, ting.

Shing!

- Shing!

- Whap!

Pa-chhh!

Chh!

- All right, so one of the worst
places to be a black man...

- Yes?

- Is at a party where there's
only white people there.

- Oh, yeah.

It's just way to much pressure
to provide all of the fun.

- Yes!

Oh, you can't-
- Way too much pressure.

- You cannot cross
the dance floor at all.

If I need a drink
at one of these parties,

I will go around the perimeter
of the party.

'Cause you know
if you go through this,

you will have a group
of white people around you

talking about, "Go, Jordan!
Go, Jordan! Go, Jordan!"

- That's true.

And that used to happen to me

all the time
when I was in school.

I never even noticed until one
of my friends-a white friend-

I was, like, 40 minutes late
for a party one time.

And I show up,
I come in the front door,

my friend's like,
"Oh, my God,

thank God you're here."

There was, like, a group
of white people sitting around

for 40 minutes waiting
for the black guy to show up.

- Just got your check.
- Yeah.

Damn.

Look how much I lost
in taxes.

Damn government!
Look at that.

Might as well join
the Tea Party.

- Excuse me.
What did you just say?

- "Might as well join
the Tea Party."

- Come with me.
- Whoa! What's going on?

- You are the chosen one.

- What the hell
are you talking about, man?

- We've been waiting for you.
- Waiting for me? What?

What the hell is this?
- I found him!

- Tell them what you were
telling your friend.

- I hate taxes?

- What do you find appealing

about the politics
of the Tea Party?

- I'm not a politician.
- A real man of the people.

- How do you feel
about the Second Amendment?

- I don't want this.

- Taken away from you,
just like the rest of us.

One of many issues
you're passionate about.

Oh!
Smile.

- Oh!

- Now, come meet your public.
- Public?

What are you talking about?
I ain't got no public.

What is this?

- Ladies and gentlemen,

the new leader
of the Minnesota Tea Party

and the next president
of the United States.

What's your name?
- Terrell Jackson.

- Perfect.
Terrell Jackson!

- Ah!

Look, look, I don't want
any part of this, all right?

- You hate the government.
That's great!

- Show us your gun again!

- Look, y'all are just
too creepy.

You can have this back.

- Ah!
- Oh!

- Great! Where are we gonna find
another black guy?

- Hey, baby.
- Mm.

- Wake up.

- Mm,
what time is it?

- What are you doing?
- Good morning.

- Hey!

- Come on, girl.
It's time to get up.

Let's go!

- Delete the picture,
motherfucker!

- Okay, um, uh,
delete.

Deleting it.
Um, delete photo.

Okay.

It's gone.
It's all gone.

- Thanks, baby.
Mm.

How do you want your eggs?

- Scrambled.

- One of the hardest jobs
in the military

has to be
military recruiter.

That is tough.
- That's a tough one all right.

Because you have to look
somebody in the eye

and tell them their first job
out of high school

is getting shot at.
- Right.

- You know, that's-
that is hard.

- Yeah, or, like,
to appeal to kids,

they made that one commercial
where there's, like, the marine

going, and he's going through
a futuristic obstacle course.

- And then he gets
past the pendulums,

and then there's a rock

with what appears to be
Excalibur in it.

- Oh, and he's going
to need Excalibur

because he's about to fight
a lava demon.

- Mm-hmm.

- With a fire whip!

- Yes.

Yes.

But I understand it
a little bit

because you have to cater
the commercials

to certain demographics.

And right now,
with the recent-

the repeal
of don't ask, don't tell,

there's a whole new
demographic out there

that they can recruit.
- Sure, sure.

- A whole lot of flowers
to be plucked.

- Yes.

- Sergeant Crandall,
United States Army recruiter.

How y'all doing?

This is my associate
Sergeant Graham Packs.

Yeah!

- Huh-huh!
Huh, huh, huh-huh!

Ha, ha, ha.
Nice beat, gentlemen.

- We wanna talk to you
about your future,

and where you fit in
the United States Army, y'all!

- Yeah, in case
you haven't heard,

we are asking,
and you're telling.

- That's right,
no restrictions, man.

You gonna be surrounded
by dudes all day.

Y'all can exercise together.
You can shower together.

- Talking 'bout soap, water-
the works!

- Now I know what you're
thinking.

"The army's dangerous."

But the fact of the matter is
everything's dangerous.

- All depends on
what your definition

of the word "danger" is.

- Oh, yeah!
Oh, here we go!

- We got a friend.
All right.

- Hey!
Navy already got him.

But you're better off
in the army

'cause we gonna get you
in the best shape

in your whole life!

- Whoo!
Talking 'bout a six pack.

- Blip!
- Gonna give you an eight pack.

- Sclip!
- Hey, we'll even give you

a jet pack.

- That's a joke, man.
He a joke, he a funny guy.

We ain't got jet packs.
- Oh!

- Oh, that's my cut, man!

- Oh, what what?

- Go ahead, go ahead.

- You got to isolate,
then isolate,

then i-so-late.
- Oh, yeah!

Tell you something
right now, man.

Combat is just a bunch of men
in a tight space

with flashing lights
and loud noises.

- Like-

- Just like this.

- Yeah, you'll fit right in
at home.

- It's gonna be great.
Oh, here it is.

Oh, can't stop it.
Can't stop it.

- Go, Crandall.
Sergeant Crandall.

Crandall, Crandall, Crandall.
And hold it.

- What?
- Hold it.

- Gotta do?

- And hold it right there.
- Whoo!

- I'm a robot.
- Robot.

Excuse me there,
young man.

Have you ever thought about
joining the United States Army?

It's-
Oh, oh, excuse me.

I will, uh, talk to you two
later-pardon me.

- What's all this?

- This is your lucky night.

I wanna be your fantasy.

Whatever you want me to do.

Whatever you wanna do to me.

You just tell me
your naughtiest fantasies, Phil,

and you'll get it.

- Seriously?

- Seriously.

- Like, for realsies?
- For realsies.

- Well, how about we call up
your friend Erica-

Aah!

- Good night, everybody!
Good night.

Thank you for coming out.

- ♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪

- Oh, yeah.

- Finally, the dog licks me,
by the way. What did you say?

- "Levi, get outta here.
You broke the contract!"

- Verbal contract
with the animal.

What is that? You could just
lock him in the bathroom!

- I couldn't do that 'cause it
was a training moment for him.

- It was a training moment
for me too.

I learned never to go
to your house again.