Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Good morning, everybody.

I'm back.

Did you miss me?

Yeah, like I missed that headache that I...

Oh, there it is again.

Very funny.

Yeah, just for that, I'm not going to

tell you about the greatest medical convention I've

ever been to.

Thank you, baby Jesus.

You know, I had a great time.

I usually don't like going to those things,

you know, dull speeches, same old tired slides

of cigarette-ravaged lungs.

This time, though, this time I met somebody

and I had a ball.

Met someone?

Mm.

I thought you still had the hots for...

I'm pointing at Chris.

Actually, that's history.

She had her chance with me and she

blew it.

So, who's this new girl?

What?

Oh, uh, it's not a girl, it's a

guy.

Wow, somehow I thought when you came out

of the closet it would be a much

bigger deal.

Don't be an idiot.

I'm not gay.

You say one thing, but your walk says

another.

Tony and I met at a malpractice seminar.

He's a neurologist.

Ooh, a doctor.

Your family will be so proud once they

get over the gay thing.

You know, it was so refreshing to finally

meet someone with whom I could have an

intelligent conversation.

Well, well, look who served me too good

for the wait, who?

I know.

You guys are a wimp.

My fault for hanging out with a bunch

of morons.

Huh?

I never noticed the walk before.

That's nice for Becca.

Looks like he found what we have.

What do we have, Bob?

Friendship.

Oh, yeah, I guess we're friends, yeah.

Well, what kind of friends?

I mean, would you say we're as close

as John and that Tony guy?

Well, they just met.

Well, that's my point.

I mean, if they're friends, then you and

I would have to be good friends.

I mean, maybe even best friends, right?

All right, you know, Bob, if that'll set

you up, fine.

We're best friends.

Okay, there's only one thing left to do.

Come on, bring it in.

Bring what in?

All right, I'll bring it to you.

I gotta say, I didn't see this one

coming.

Mrs. Katz, I think the best thing for

you to do is just go home and

try to make your husband as comfortable as

possible.

Is there no hope at all?

No, I'm afraid not.

I don't think he has much longer to

live.

Yes, it's about time!

Yeah, she also doesn't have much longer to

live.

I'm so sorry.

Please, please forgive us.

What the hell was that all about?

She's trying to win a radio contest on

B-100 FM.

Is that why I pay her?

You really want to tackle life's big questions

now?

Hello?

Am I in the air?

This is Linda from the Bronx, and I'd

like to give a shout-out to Mrs.

Dorothy Johnson.

Your test came back.

It's just a yeast infection.

Linda!

I'm multitasking.

Okay, I'm ready.

What's the question?

What war lasted 116 years?

Oh, that's easy.

The Hundred Years' War.

Shh!

I'm on the phone.

Okay, okay.

Let's see.

World War I, that was one year.

The Hundred Years' War.

Okay, um, World War II, that was ten

nights on HBO.

The Hundred Years' War.

Okay, okay.

I'll just guess.

The Hundred Years' War?

It is?

I just won $100!

I was drawing a total blank, and then

suddenly the answer just popped into my head.

Amazing.

Linda, could you please finish this in the

back?

We've got patients.

Hold on.

Whoo!

Whoo!

I can't believe that.

You give her the right answer, she gets

$100, and not even so much as a

thank you.

Oh, it's all right, John.

Let her have her moment in the sun.

I mean, what am I gonna do?

Go back there and ask her for the

money?

Yeah, you're right.

That'd be petty.

Although she did use my phone.

Oh, Linda!

Linda?

Hey, Jake, how's my new best friend?

Oh, God.

Look, I changed all my personal records, and

you're now my emergency contact.

What, me?

What about your mother?

You ever try getting CPR from someone with

epistema?

Bob, that's a big responsibility.

Plus, I don't know if I'll always be

reachable.

Hey, way ahead of you.

That's why I got us these walkie-talkies.

This way, we'll always be in touch.

Pretty cool, huh?

Check it out.

Come in, Jake.

Come in.

Get out, Bob.

Get out.

That's a good idea.

You know, they're supposed to have a range

of up to five miles.

So check it out.

That's a great idea.

Can you hear me now?

Yeah.

Keep going.

I'll tell you when to stop.

Hey, Jake, what's going on?

I'm getting on the bus.

Hey, lady, move your fat ass.

That's very impressive.

Can you do that while you drink a

glass of water?

Hey, Tony.

Sorry I'm late.

I got hung up with some patients.

No problem.

Chris and I have been having a great

time.

Yeah, so I see.

John, I can certainly see why you enjoyed

spending time with Tony.

On the other hand, Tony...

I don't get it.

What a great sense of humor.

Not really.

You know what?

I'm not going to have time for lunch.

I got to get back to the office.

But before I go, I think I'm going

to ask Chris out.

Wait, wait, wait.

You and Chris?

No, no, no.

That's a bad idea.

Why?

She's just not your type.

Why not?

Is she married?

Got a boyfriend?

No, no, no.

Look, Tony, the truth is there's something going

on here that you don't understand.

See, Chris, don't tell me she's gay.

Well, it's really not my place to say.

Wow.

Just my luck.

Hey, thanks for the heads-up.

That could have been awkward.

No kidding.

Well, you know what?

I really do have to go.

Listen, would you say goodbye to her for

me?

Sure.

Okay.

Hey, listen, let's have some dinner later.

Great.

Yeah.

Stop by my office.

Okay.

Where did Tony go?

He had to leave.

Hmm.

I, uh, I kind of like him.

What's his story?

Tony's gay.

Damn.

The good ones are never available, and the

other ones are...

you.

Hey, Linda, I had to come by and

tell you I heard that Hundred Years War

thing.

Were you, like, the history major?

Or are you just one of those people

who knows a little bit about everything?

Well, I don't like to brag, Tracy, but

what I do know, I definitely know a

little about.

Isn't it amazing how she came up with

that answer?

Not to me.

Yes, may I help you?

Yeah, hi, Tony Holland here to see Dr.

Becker.

Oh, yes, Dr. Holland.

You can go on back.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you know what war lasted 116 years?

Actually, I didn't until this morning when I

heard this brilliant girl on the radio.

Oh, just go on back.

Hey, John, you ready to go?

Hey, Tony, you know, give me a second

here.

Will you sit down?

So, get this.

I heard your new nurse in my office

today, Sandy.

Yeah?

Turns out she's gay, too.

Who else is gay?

Chris.

You know, Diner.

Oh, yeah, right, Chris.

Yeah, yeah.

Sometimes I forget she's gay, but I'm, uh,

I'm real glad you remembered.

Although, you never know, maybe I could be

the one to turn her around.

Turn her around?

Oh, no.

See, that is exactly the kind of arrogant,

stereotypical male thinking that led to the oppression

of gay women.

You know, as a matter of fact, all

women.

Easy, John.

I was kidding.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I don't...

So, listen, where do you want to eat?

Well, uh, a new Hooters opened up nearby.

Oh, gosh.

Hey, Jake, it's me, Bob.

I'm a block away from the Diner.

You want to have lunch?

Uh, uh, Bob, I'm not at the Diner.

I'm at Grand Central Station.

Great.

I'll meet you under the clock.

Will do.

That'll buy me a couple hours.

Hey.

Can I have some coffee, please?

Hey, I heard from your friend, Tony.

Tony called you?

What did he want?

Well, apparently, there's a nurse in his office

who just moved to New York, and since

I'm new in town, he thought it would

be nice if Sandy and I got together.

Oh, good.

Oh, wait.

Uh...

Sandy from Tony's office?

Uh, see, I think that's a bad idea.

Why?

He said he thought we'd have a lot

in common.

No, I-I think you should cancel.

No, I'm not gonna cancel.

It sounds like a good time.

Chris, this is New York City.

You can't just go out drinking with strangers.

She works for your friend.

Tony?

I hardly know him.

No, what...

What if this Sandy turns out to be

some sort of psycho killer?

No, you can't go.

What happens if I go?

You gonna ground me?

Oh, yeah, all right, fine, go.

Yeah, but when you're sitting around your freezer

in nine different mason jars, don't come crying

to me.

Hey, Margaret, look.

I picked up my $100.

100 crisp $1 bills.

And you know what the best part is?

No.

Why don't you tell me?

It's that I never knew I was so

smart.

There I was, standing on the phone, the

clock ticking, the pressure on, and then all

of a sudden, the answer was just...

Oh, for God's sake, Linda!

I gave you that answer.

I was standing right behind you, and I

said, 100 years war, and I got absolutely

no credit for it.

Margaret, you did not give me that answer.

It was in the back of my head.

I was in the back of your head,

which I'm about to be again.

I don't think she gave me the answer

to that contest.

Did she?

Of course she did.

She was standing right behind you and said

it like 100 times.

Margaret, I'm sorry.

I thought I came up with it myself.

Excuse me.

Apparently, I have taken credit where credit wasn't

due.

Yesterday, when I won that contest, Margaret gave

me the answer.

All the congratulatory phone calls I received, the

pride that I felt in myself, it was

all based on nothing.

I know nothing.

I am nothing.

Here.

This is yours.

Wait.

Maybe...

Maybe we should share the money.

No, Margaret, that wouldn't be right.

I wasn't the smart one.

You were.

Wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Linda, if I made you feel that way,

I am so sorry.

Here, you keep all of it.

No, I don't deserve it.

Yes, you do.

You were the one who listened to the

radio station.

You found out about that contest.

You took the initiative, and you kept calling

till you got through.

It was your moment, and I intruded.

I'm ashamed of myself.

Here, you keep it.

I insist.

Might not have known the answer to that

question, but I was smart enough to keep

this money.

What are you doing?

We have patients waiting.

Oh, I'm just thinking about what I did.

What did you do?

Well...

I may have let Tony think that Chris

was gay, and then let Chris think that

Tony was gay, and then Tony told his

nurse, who actually is gay, you know, she

asked Chris out on a date, and only

Chris doesn't know it's a date.

Is that a big problem, or am I

just overthinking it?

Do you live in a cartoon?

Hey, you know, I did this for all

the right reasons.

I saw the two of them together, and

I felt, you know, threatened.

I thought Chris didn't want to have anything

to do with you.

She doesn't, but if she ever does, it

won't help me to have Tony hanging around,

will it?

Wait a minute.

Have Chris and this woman been out yet?

No.

Well, then you better figure out how to

undo it before Chris ends up in an

embarrassing situation.

Just tell her the truth.

Now, let's not be hasty here.

Wait.

Wait, wait, wait.

You see, I haven't thought this through, but

do you think it would help if I

told them that I was gay?

Gay people have enough headaches.

They don't need you.

Hey, Jake.

I'm sorry I didn't show up at the

train station, but I left my walkie-talkie

on the bus, and I ended up chasing

it all the way down to Soho.

Can you forgive me?

Did you get the walkie-talkie back?

No.

Then I forgive you.

But I think I found a way to

make it up to you.

Check it out.

Sorry about that.

It's a T-shirt with your picture on

it.

Oh, God.

Only got you on it with my picture

on it.

Oh, God.

I mean, you know, I'm not saying we

gotta wear them together or anything, but that

would be like...

Hey, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob.

Let me tell you what I want to

do.

I want to take our friendship to a

whole new level.

Just when I get to meet your parents?

No.

All right, here's the thing about us, Bob.

You and I, we're so close that sometimes

we don't need to speak.

Yeah, we know each other so well that

we can guess what the other's thinking.

We could go days, even weeks, without even

saying hello.

But that wouldn't matter.

You know why?

Because you and I, we know that we're

best friends.

You're blowing me off, aren't you?

See?

You know what I'm thinking.

Wow.

That's pretty cold, Jack.

I mean, I was just trying to reach

out for a little friendship, but if you

don't want that, you know, it's fine.

All right, you're right, Bob.

That was a little insensitive.

Why don't we start over?

I don't know.

Oh, come on, Bob.

I really didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Okay, I can't stay mad at you, right?

You're my best friend.

Come on.

Bring it in.

Bring it in.

A little to the left.

A little more.

Get it.

Get it.

Oh!

Oh!

Don't toy with my emotions again.

Hey, guys.

Is Chris here?

No, she left early.

Where'd she go?

She went to the Century Bistro to meet

some woman for drinks.

Tonight?

That's happening tonight?

Oh, brother.

Well, too late for honesty now.

What's going on?

Oh, it's a long story.

It's about Chris and some lesbian nurse.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's my favorite bedtime story.

All right, Ted, if they get together now,

I'm screwed.

Oh, so you know how it ends.

Hey, Chris, is that you?

What a coincidence.

What are you doing here?

Oh, I-I have a date, but I'm

a little early.

And I, you know, happened to spot you,

and I thought it'd be polite just to

come over and say hello.

Oh, who's this?

Uh, John, this is Sandy.

Sandy, this is John, my stalker.

Ah.

Quite a sense of humor.

John Becker, nice to meet you.

Hi.

You know, there's no space at the bar.

You mind if I wait with you?

Uh, no, no, no, I don't think you...

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

So, what have you two been talking about?

Catch me up.

Oh, we're just getting to know each other,

you know, finding out what we have in

common.

I've been pleased to find out that, unlike

many people I've met since coming to New

York, Sandy is very sane.

Ah, there it is again, that sense of

humor.

Oh, my God.

I am so sorry.

What is wrong with you?

Uh, excuse me.

Uh...

Uh, Sandy, I need to talk to you.

Uh, I'm not here by accident.

I'm the one who introduced Chris to Tony,

so I kind of feel responsible about getting

the two of you together.

Oh, well, thank you.

She seems great.

Well, she's not.

She's a dishonest, deceitful person.

I mean, you saw how rude she was

to me.

I think that that's because she knows that

I know her secret.

Her secret?

Yes, see, see, uh, she's in a relationship

already.

See, she's here with you cheating on her

girlfriend.

Oh, no.

I can't believe that.

Oh, no, believe it, believe it.

See, I know this because she happens to

be in a relationship with my sister.

Uh...

My-my-my sister Pepper.

Uh...

It's a family nickname.

Anyway, look, uh, I just can't sit here

and watch her do that to you or

to my sister, you know?

Frankly, if I were you, I-I wouldn't

blame you.

Just get up and leave.

Really.

You know, I just got out of a

really bad relationship.

I so don't need another one.

And you so don't deserve it.

I think you should go.

Really, I do.

You know what?

You're right.

Thank you for telling me, John.

Seriously, why do people lie like that?

I don't know.

Where's, uh...

Where's Sandy?

She left.

What did you do?

Nothing.

As soon as you walked away, she-she...

She came on to me.

I can't believe that.

Not only that, she wanted to have sex,

and not just with me.

She wanted to have sex with you, too.

She wanted a threesome.

And I said, you know, forget it.

That's not happening.

It's not happening, is it?

Of course, that's why I said, you know,

take a hike, Sandy.

And all that happened in the two minutes

I was gone?

See, that's why I told you you just

can't go out with strangers in New York,

Chris.

I-I was just about to leave, but

I-I wanted to come back to tell

you something myself.

That's all right.

I've explained everything.

You see, it's women like you who give

lesbians a bad name.

What?

When you're in a relationship with someone, you

don't agree to be fixed up with another

woman.

It's a waste of my time, and it's

a waste of your time.

Not to mention his poor sister, Pepper.

I had no idea you were a lesbian.

What just happened here?

All right, you know, sometimes when there's a

misunderstanding like this, it's just best to walk

away.

Sit down.

Did you tell her I was gay?

No.

Tony did.

What?

Why would Tony think I was gay?

Where would he even get that idea?

I don't know.

Maybe you're giving off some kind of vibe.

Did you tell Tony I was gay?

No, absolutely not.

He guessed it.

Wait a minute.

You told Tony I was gay so he

wouldn't be interested in me, and then you

told me he was gay so I wouldn't

be interested in him, right?

Oh, come on.

Do you think I'm capable of something like

that?

You made up a sister named Pepper Becker.

You're right.

You're right.

I am pathetic.

It's just that I've been so very, very

sick.

Oh, shut up.

No, no.

You know, when I first met you, sure,

I saw the gruff exterior and the awkward,

ham-handed way you went through life, but

I thought there was a good man underneath,

someone who was mature, intelligent, maybe even sensitive.

But there's not a day that goes by

that you don't prove you're almost completely emotionally

retarded.

You're exactly right.

I don't know what's happening to me.

I mean, I don't act like this.

I hate people who act like this.

It's just that ever since I met you,

I you know, I've forgotten.

Look, I'll never bother you again.

I promise.

Never.

I think I must have dropped my keys.

Oh, yeah.

Here they are.

Never again.

Starting now.