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(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Oh, God, Christmas.

Looks like Santa threw up in here.

Come on, John, it's Christmas.

What could you possibly hate about Christmas?

Oh, you shouldn't have done that.

Yeah, let's see.

Reindeer, elves, fake snow, real snow, and eggnog.

What the hell is that?

It's like an alcoholic's excuse to get drunk

at breakfast.

Okay, okay, I give!

Yeah, see, I warned you.

Well, I'm not gonna let you spoil the

holidays.

Jake and I are having a great time.

We're very excited about Christmas.

Hey, you speak for yourself.

I'm spending it with my nana.

The whole family chipped in and bought her

a new hip.

I thought you got her a new hip

last year.

No, that was a knee.

You know, I'm afraid if we keep this

up, somebody will kidnap her and strip her

for parts.

Okay, Bob's in big trouble.

I just got into a fight.

What?

What happened?

I'm walking down the street minding my own

business when all of a sudden I hear

someone call me by my old high school

nickname.

Next thing I know, I'm taking the living

crap out of the bastard.

Who was it?

Santa Claus.

You went to high school with Santa Claus?

Not the real one.

This was Jimmy Biondolillo.

He was dressed up as Santa.

I think he worked for the Salvation Army

or something.

And you beat him up?

He had it coming.

The guy tormented me all through high school.

I mean, he single-handedly ruined any chance

I ever had of being cool.

I think DNA and a bad haircut took

care of that.

So, Bob, what was your high school nickname?

It's not important.

No, come on, come on, what was it?

Bobby, the Bobster, Bobberino.

Rooney.

Fine, you must know...

it was Barbara.

Barbara?

One time I went to high school wearing

a shoulder pad and I'm branded for life.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, you wore a shoulder pad?

It was very in at the time.

Yeah, for girls.

Hey, hey, I had very narrow shoulders.

I escaped my mother in Egypt's livery but

played me later in life.

For example, I still have trouble wearing a

backpack.

Hey, this isn't funny, this is serious.

Jimmy Beyond the Limit is gonna be coming

after me.

Hey, Bob, what are you so scared of?

You just beat him up.

Well, truth be told, I kind of suck

at punching.

I may have also bit him, scratched him,

and pulled his hair.

It was very violent.

I think I broke a nail.

He even fights like a barber.

So, Chris, first big Christmas in New York.

What are you doing?

Are you busy?

John, I know the holidays can be lonely,

but we've been over this a hundred times

before.

I'm not going out with you.

Yeah, for your information, I'm spending the holidays

with this woman I've been seeing.

Really?

Yeah.

You never said anything about her.

Yeah, John, you never said a word.

Oh, I'm sorry, was I supposed to run

that by the social committee?

So, what is this mystery lady's name?

Helen.

Helen, huh?

No, just Helen.

And how did you and just Helen meet?

Well, if you must know, we got stuck

in an elevator.

Really?

Yeah, we were trapped between floors for hours.

She said one of us should be brave

and go for help, so I, you know,

I boosted her up, but she couldn't open

the trap door, so we just, you know,

sat around for a while, talked and waited

to be rescued.

And we've been seeing each other ever since.

You know, if you two want to vote

on this, I'll be in my office, you

know, anxiously awaiting the results.

What a load of crap.

What?

Oh, come on, Jake, think about it.

A minute ago he said he hated Christmas

and everything about it, and then the second

I say I'm not available, he says he's

spending the holidays with Helen.

And what kind of name is Helen?

He made the whole thing up just to

make me jealous.

It could be true.

I mean, just because a girl was stuck

for hours in an elevator with John doesn't

mean she wouldn't want to go on a

date with...

You're right, he's a big-ass liar.

Morning, Linda.

Yeah, morning, whatever.

Why the long face?

It just seems that way.

I cut my hair.

No, no, no, no, no.

I mean, it's almost Christmas, and you look

so sad.

Then why are you making fun of my

hair?

No, Linda, what I meant was...

Look, Margaret, maybe you haven't noticed, but I'm

not in a very good mood.

My mom's spending the holidays with her new

boyfriend, my dad's gonna be with his old

girlfriend, my grandmother ran off with her chauffeur,

my grandfather's, well, dead.

Oh, no, Linda, I'm so sorry to hear

that.

It's okay.

It would have killed him to see my

grandmother with the chauffeur.

Mr. Miller, you can't blame the cat.

If he tried to strap antlers on my

head, I'd scratch the hell out of you,

too.

The guy wants a reindeer, he should strap

the antlers on his wife.

She already has the horse face.

I just don't get this whole Christmas thing.

I mean, what's the point?

Who cares?

You know, Linda, instead of feeling sorry for

yourself, maybe it would help if you thought

about somebody else, like do something nice for

someone you don't know.

I did that last night.

No, I meant, like, volunteering at a soup

kitchen or maybe even spending some time with

the elderly.

Oh, gross.

Well, you know, you're always welcome to come

and spend Christmas with Lewis and me.

Thank you, Margaret, that's very kind, but I'm

depressed enough as it is.

I'd be depressed, too, if I had that

haircut.

Guys, can I have a roast beef sandwich

and coffee to go, please?

OK, what do you want on that?

I'll make it exactly the way they do

at the deli across the street.

Why don't you just go to the deli

across the street?

They hate me over there.

So, I'm surprised to see you.

I figured you'd be off somewhere with your

girlfriend.

What's her name?

Helen, wasn't it?

Right, right, Helen.

So, John, have you thought about what you're

going to get Helen for Christmas?

I have to get her something?

Think about what somebody Christmas and not get

her a little something.

Well, see, that's what I hate about the

holidays.

What if I get her a gift and

she doesn't get me one?

Or she gets me one and I don't

get her one?

Or what if the gift I get her

is a lot nicer than the one she

gets me?

You know, that's not going to happen.

Well, I don't know what to get her.

Well, maybe we can help you pick something

out.

Why don't you tell us a little bit

about her?

Well, it's kind of hard to describe.

I'm sure she is.

All right, she's a magazine editor.

Ooh, fancy.

What magazine?

Uh, New Yorker, I think.

Sure, why not?

She's smart, she's funny, she's attractive.

You know, never mind, I'll figure this out.

Well, here's your sandwich.

It's exactly the way they make it at

the deli across the street.

I even spit in it.

You what?

They really do hate you.

Did you see how flustered he got when

I brought up Helen?

There is no way she exists.

Of course she doesn't exist.

She's talking about spending money on her.

Hey, Chris, I need a place to hide.

Do you have, like, an attic or a

crawlspace or, like, a huge piece of Tupperware?

What's the matter, Barbara?

She'd be behind every little app to me.

I mean, there's no way she exists.

There's a Santa on every corner.

I don't know what it's about to be

afraid of.

I can't let my guard down.

He knows when I'm sleeping, he knows when

I'm awake.

Get rid of it.

Don't you think you're overreacting?

No way.

Santa's out there waiting to get me.

You don't know this guy.

He'll rip your head off and eat it

for breakfast.

Santa's a killer.

He's an evil, flesh-eating monster.

Are you crying, Barbara?

He's not coming to your house.

Well, Margaret, I took your advice.

This whole giving of myself thing sucked.

I went to the soup kitchen, it smelled

like old people.

I went to the old-age home, it

smelled like soup.

No matter what I do, I just don't

feel very Christmassy.

Look, Linda, I know what'll cheer you up.

I am going caroling with some people from

my church.

Why don't you join us?

I don't know.

Singing a bunch of dumb songs about snowmen

and Jesus can make anyone feel good.

I don't know if the snowmen hurt that,

but I know Jesus did.

All right, you don't have to get all

Bible-y on me.

I'll give it a try, but I don't

know if I'm as good as you and

your friends.

Oh, come on.

Nobody cares how you sound.

God loves all voices.

Even my friend who stutters and spits when

he talks?

Yes, Linda.

Even my Uncle Larry who speaks through a

hole in his neck?

Yes, Linda.

Even this girl I once knew who had

a...

I said God loves all voices.

Drive a little faster through the puddle next

time.

That way you can actually drown me.

Merry Christmas, jerk!

Chris, you need any help?

No, no, no.

I'm fine.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, Helen, Chris, Chris, Helen, I told you

about her, remember?

Wow, you're Helen.

Oh.

Uh, the, uh, the way John described you

seemed too good to be true.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Now, usually, usually, usually, uh, when things are

too good to be true, uh, they are,

but, uh, but obviously they're not because here

you are.

Did you get hit by a car or

something?

Yeah, um, a cab splashed me and then

my groceries, well, you know, the bag broke.

So, so, so, so, so, so, so you,

uh, you really work for the New Yorker?

That's great.

I, um, I really like the cartoons.

I mean, you know, not that I don't

read the articles, but...

No, it's okay.

I like the cartoons, too.

Not that this isn't fascinating, but we're kind

of late to Helen's office Christmas party.

Careful there.

Uh, yeah, right.

Uh, so, so, uh, have fun.

Well, I'll bring you back a cartoon or

two.

Well, it was nice meeting you.

Yes, yes.

Oh, oh, that's, that's, uh, egg yolk.

Uh, yeah, yeah, just use my sleeve.

Oh.

No, it's ruined anyway.

Come on.

Yeah, go ahead.

There.

Oh.

I guess we'd better be going.

Uh, are you sure, uh, you don't want

any...

No, no, go have fun.

I, I've got this under control.

You know what, let, let me catch up

to you.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Here.

Oh, thanks.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Ow.

Ow.

Oh.

Yeah.

That's it.

Ow.

Get it out.

Ow.

Ow.

Oh.

That's...

Sorry.

Uh...

Oh.

Hey, Bob, coffee?

Damn!

This guy didn't work!

What the hell are you doing?

Trying to hide in plain sight.

I didn't know what Santa was after me,

so I became one of them.

How'd you know it was me?

I could smell your hair gel.

Oh.

Bob, it's not gonna work.

You're not exactly the Santa type.

You're more like a pocket Santa.

That's because I'm the only one in here.

Out there, I'm gonna blend in.

Hey, Bob.

How'd you know?

Hair gel.

Damn!

Hey, Chris, what's going on?

She's real, Jake.

Who's real?

Helen, John's Helen.

I met her last night.

Really?

What's she like?

Oh, yeah.

Tall, dark hair, long legs.

She's gorgeous.

At least I think she was.

I was crawling on all fours chasing a

can of SpaghettiOs when we met.

Uh, hey, can I have some coffee, please?

Yeah, of course.

Don't let this go to your head, but

you look a lot less disgusting than you

did last night.

Thanks.

Huh.

So, uh, Helen seemed nice.

Yeah, yeah.

We've only been dating for a couple of

weeks, but we're really hitting it off.

In fact, she invited me to spend Christmas

up with her family in Vermont.

I think I'm gonna do it.

I'm surprised, John.

Why?

Because you hate Christmas, you hate families, and

you hate Vermont.

True, but I might as well hate it

with somebody I like.

So, what are you up to?

Me?

Mm.

Uh, well, I-I-I have plans with...

Owen.

O-Owen?

Yes, yes.

Uh, Owen, uh, I'll be spending the holidays

with Owen.

He's a musician.

Uh, he's in a band.

A big band.

Uh, not big band music, just a big,

uh, symphony.

And, uh, so he plays the oboe.

And, uh, well, yeah, we've, uh, we've been

spending a lot of time together.

He's, uh, he's wonderful.

And, uh, who knows, he-he could be

the one.

So-so, yeah, it'll be a great Christmas

with-with me and my Owen.

Well, uh, sounds like it'll be a great

time.

Yeah, yeah, it will be.

Yeah, Owen's very nice.

And handsome.

Did I-did I mention that?

Owen's handsome.

Oh.

When?

Owen.

Right.

Hey, what-what do people do in Vermont,

anyway?

I don't know, they ski, go antiquing, chop

wood.

Mm.

Sounds like the kind of place you don't

have cable you want to blow your brains

out.

Well, you know, have a happy.

Thank you.

Owen, how'd you come up with that?

Because it sounds like no one, which is

who I am actually dating.

I can't believe I made up a whole

person.

Why am I letting this get to me?

I don't know.

Maybe because you like John?

No, I don't like him.

Well, then why are you getting so mad?

I mean, you're the one that told him

to move on.

No, I am not upset that he moved

on.

I'm upset that he moved on before I

moved on.

And I'm really upset that I am now

dating a loser named Owen who plays the

oboe.

Silent night Holy night All

is calm All is

bright Jimmy!

Holy infant So tender

and sweet In heavenly

peace Sweet

in heavenly peace In heavenly peace What,

not loud enough?

Come on, it's...

Well, it's...

I know, Margaret.

I feel it, too.

It's just this warm, rich feeling that I'd

forgotten was possible.

Thank you.

You made it Christmas again.

My pleasure.

Christ to the world The Lord is come

Let earth receive her King Please, let me

in!

Let me in!

Oh, no!

Christ to the world The Lord is come

Let earth receive her King Let every heart

prepare Him room And heaven and nature sing

And heaven and nature sing Oh,

hey, hi.

Hi.

You're here.

Yeah.

I, uh, I thought you were going to

Vermont.

Oh, no, I am, I am.

I just did some last-minute shopping.

Oh.

Well, what about you?

Um, uh, I'm bringing down the garbage.

No, I meant, I thought you were going

to be spending some time with Owen.

Oh, right, right, I am.

He's, uh, he's, he's running late.

Uh, big emergency at the orchestra.

Tuba player, hyperventilated, and, uh, you wouldn't believe

the sound he made.

Big, big mess.

Uh, well, I got to get upstairs and

start packing.

Uh, Helen's picking me up in a few

minutes.

Yeah, I got to go, too.

I want to be ready for when Owen

picks me up.

Uh, we're going to go downtown and do

some, uh, Christmas stuff.

Right, uh, well, so we both have plans.

We'll probably go ice skating.

Oh, great.

Um, have a good Christmas.

Yeah, you, you, too.

Uh.

Bye.

Bye-bye.

Uh, coming.

Hey.

Uh.

You look nice.

You ready to go?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, you want to stop at the Salvation

Army and make a donation?

Oh, no, that's my, that's my suitcase.

Really?

No, no, I mean, it's, it's nice, vintage.

Right.

So we better get going.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, you know, wait, wait a minute.

Uh, I've been thinking.

You know, I, I don't have the right

socks.

Is, is that going to be a problem?

I'll have my mom knit you some.

Come on, you'll be fine.

We're going to have a great time.

Right.

Trust me.

John?

Yeah?

Is this about the socks?

No.

Oh, did you forget something?

Yeah, kind of.

I forgot I didn't want to go to

Vermont.

Can you open the door?

Yeah.

What's going on?

I, I don't know.

I thought you were looking forward to this.

No, I know, I was.

You know, I just think, you know, spending

time with your parents at Christmas is sending

a message that I'm just not ready to

send.

And don't you think it's a little late

to be springing this on John?

Me?

I mean, I don't understand.

What's going on here?

Is it Vermont?

Is it my parents?

Is it me?

No, no, no, it's...

Is there someone else?

I don't know.

I'm sorry.

I really am, I'm very sorry.

So am I.

piano

plays softly electric guitar

plays

electric guitar plays