Original subtitles

Read about the things that happen throughout the world.

Don't believe in everything you see or hear.

And welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara Breen. Joining us this week are Kat and

Ryan, Rhys James and Sarah Keyworth, Glenn Moore, Hugh Dennis and Sarah

Pascoe.

We start tonight with a round called Picture

of the Week. I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what is

happening. So, teams, what's going on here?

Well, I can see a solid gold knob and Keir Starmer's walking past it.

We're filming this a few days ahead of broadcast.

This is either one or two people who have recently lost their jobs.

Don was saying, you know what would be really funny? If I replaced you with

Mandelson.

I feel like I'm leaving to present a new edition of This Is Your Life.

Is he trying to get his bound copy of the Epstein file signed?

By who?

I was going to say, you know who.

That's going to take a long time to collect all of those signatures.

Oh, look at my book.

Someone's drawn a cock holding it.

Are those the three stages of a hair transplant?

They're just knocking around ideas of who they should bring back. Liz Truss,

maybe Hugh Edwards as Minister for Kids.

Should be noted, by the way, that that department was entirely just invented

for the purpose of that joke.

You don't actually have a minister for kids, because that is asking for

trouble. And look what happens without one.

If they get one, it should be a kid.

But that's what they should have as an eight-year-old. Like a baby goat.

You had one job. You had one job to find a charger in this department.

He's saying, today he's going to take all of my charisma. Darling, fetch me my

brown tie.

He's got a long thumb, hasn't he?

Do you want to give me an answer so I can wrap up?

Traditionally, this is my job, isn't it? You're very much why we've got you back.

This is Prime Minister.

Yes. Keir Starmer.

And next to him is his chief of staff, Morgan McSweeney. Absolutely, thank you

very much. You, correct.

Yes, this is a picture of UK Prime Minister Keir Starmer and his former

chief of staff, Morgan MacSweeney. This is news that following further

revelations about Peter Manson's links to Jeffrey Epstein, MacSweeney took full

responsibility for advising Starmer to appoint Manson as US ambassador and

stepped down from his role.

And these are words I didn't expect to say on week three. At the time of

recording, Keir Starmer is still Prime Minister.

But how is it looking for Starmer at the moment? It's the worst excuse ever. It's

such an own goal.

I mean, I didn't even make the decision.

Like, it's like McSweeney's the dominatrix and she's quit and now the

gimp's still in charge.

This situation is so annoying because if Keir Starmer steps down because

McSweeney has left due to his links to Mandelson, then the Labour Party is

probably going to crumble, which means that Nigel Farage will become the Prime

Minister. He will reinstate the two-child benefit cap.

And all of that means that... somehow Jeffrey Epstein is still screwing kids.

I really did not think you were going to like that.

Did you think they were going to be a pro-Epstein crowd?

That's what I loved about the reporting.

was that they described it as a dramatic exit that McSweeney did, which makes me

always think that they go like, and say goodbye to me.

You're never going to see this house again.

I think the whole thing, the fact McSweeney's gone, is fantastic news for

justice. Because we've got the guy, haven't we? We've got our guy. We've got

the guy who made a suggestion to the guy, who made the appointment of the

guy, who's friends with the guy, who did all those international sex crimes. So

we can move on. It's fantastic.

That's a very neat bow on top of that.

For everything you hear about them, they do seem to be, they came as a pair. You

know, McSweeney did the ideas, Keir Starmer was sort of putting it into

action. I feel like they should have left at the same time, like Tess and

Claudia.

So she thinks that's the fairest way to do it. Is that why Tess and Claudia

left? Not because of the episode.

Dara and I left at the same time, but he came back first.

He was shaping up for a possible leadership bid.

Wes Freeting's one of them. Wes Freeting is one of them, yeah. He's very happy

with himself because he's stolen Keir Starmer's book.

Yes, among the people running Angela Rayner, obviously, is said to be

interested in the post.

Miliband is always mentioned.

And my personal favourite, the MP for Birmingham Selly Oak, who's a guy called

Al Karn.

He's so fit.

He does look like Keir Starmer.

Crossed with Jack Reacher. He's a former army guy who recently climbed Everest

while breathing in xenon gas.

And the reason is because he could climb Everest faster because he said to

himself, I don't have five to six weeks to climb Everest. I'm a government

minister. I have to do it quickly, which is, all right, mate, calm it down.

I say a very similar thing to my husband about lovemaking.

We've got to hurry this along. I'm off the week.

Looking at this guy, I feel so bad for Keir Starmer because this guy is very

much the Ed Gamble Keir Starmer's me.

It's your science, man. Yeah. You know everything about science. I know

everything about science. Yeah, I know everything about science. Why would

xenon gas enable you to climb Everest faster?

Because... Ah, so technical.

It's me like you go diving with you go down with the oxygen pressures.

I see That's all very clear. Thank you very much. Thank you I think this guy

looks tough, but still not as tough as Angela Rainer She looks like she'd have

someone in the Secret Service to hold her earrings if it all kicks off And

she'd be the first to have a boob job and for me personally I'm donating to

that campaign she might make fillers tax-deductible Me and she's got a new

haircut. Yeah, she can you have a Because the people have written they

will tolerate someone being non-sadjacent, but they draw the line at

split ends. She knows that.

Can I see the picture of the handsome guy again? Can you see the handsome guy

again? Do you think he doesn't wear hats because it would literally be a square

peg in a round hole?

I genuinely have to say that we shouldn't do jokes about Al Karns

because I fear just turning the key in my house and from the shadows, Al Karns.

Well, well, well.

Had some funny jokes, didn't you, my friend?

But is it funny when you're folded in two?

I have fantasies about him turning the key in my bedroom door as well, Dara,

but for different reasons.

Yeah, I'm gay, but he can fold me in two. Don't worry.

Oh, there's a lot of mixed messages coming from outside.

Does he drink wrong seal? He looks a bit like him.

He looks like he ejaculates WD-4.

I reckon fizzing WD-40 is not a bad idea, because the WD stands for water

displacement, doesn't it? It would be like a, you know, hose pipe.

It would be good, but they ejaculate. I did say ejaculation. Oh, ejaculating.

I didn't hear that because I'm innocent, you know.

We've got too many of these guys ejaculating all over the place, and

Hugh, he likes to clean it up. Yeah. No, no, no.

He likes to tidy up.

Tidy up the joke. Yeah.

It's all true.

It's all true.

What have some backbench MPs been calling for? A caretaker. A caretaker,

yes. Why would we want a Prime Minister who wants to watch me after I'm getting

changed from cross-country?

LAUGHTER Yeah.

I thought the same thing. That's a very unrelatable content.

LAUGHTER Yes, that is what was proposed. The country is like West Brom.

Give it Sam Allardyce till the end of the season.

I mean, we're already out of Europe.

Have they also been asking, back benches, have they also been asking for

more comfortable benches?

You know what they need? Some WD-40.

And you know what they can get?

Alcar.

I use that when I ejaculate.

So you don't ejaculate it, you use it to ejaculate, because that's a very

difficult thing.

I've got another science question.

Oh, go on. OK, so if a lady's ovum makes the ejaculate of WD-40, what kind of

baby do they make?

All I know is it slides out easy.

Moving on, please.

What's going on here?

Wow, look at the dickhead on that.

Haraj is going, the perfect Guinness, completely white.

They're actually launching Reform's new anti-immigration beer, Ban Miguel.

Reform IPA.

Light on the Indian, heavy on the pale.

He'd just heard that the glasses were made in China, so he didn't want them.

I think he's done this on purpose, right? What's the first thing you think

when you see that pint?

Send it back. He's in here.

I wouldn't... There wouldn't be all that foam if I tilted to the right.

Yes, this is. The former UK leader, Nigel Farage, and Chief Whip, Lee

Anderson, pictured recently in a Westminster pub, announcing a policy.

They've announced a policy, an actual policy. What is the policy they

announced? 5p off time.

That's the first half, and you think that sounds great.

What's the second half of it?

Reinstating the two-cap child policy.

It's quite a double whammy. It's like, we'll take five pounds off your pipe,

yay, and we'll take it out of the mouths of children.

I'm in. I'm all in. I love a discount. I bought a Charlie Bigum lasagna yesterday

because it had been reduced to £45.

I don't see how a child wearing two hats is going to change anything.

It's quite short-term thinking as well, isn't it? Because if people get more

pissed, they'll have more kids.

Yeah. I don't know about you, I'm not capable of having kids after having a

few rubbles.

As long as I've got the WD-40.

Because there are more coffee shops than pubs these days, but nobody got fingered

in a coffee shop car park after six Americanos.

Not 100% true, but yeah.

Come to Essex, there's a cup of coffee that's going to blow your mind.

That feeling when you're the only one in the line-up that's not been fingered in

a cafe.

Excuse me, Princess Grace.

Yeah,

no, happy to move on.

I like it. I mean, I wish someone had made me observe a two-child cap. I

haven't slept in the same bed as my husband since Tiger King.

Why? Because it's tiger king and aphrodisiac.

It absolutely was.

I've had so many kids since I last saw you, Ree.

I've been breastfeeding so long, when I clear customs, I have to declare myself

as dairy produce.

I've had so many kids.

Can I just say, having you say that in my eyes was a lifelong dream.

At the end of that, the point is going to stay. Reece and Catherine.

Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.

The next round is called Between the Lines between Hugh and Rhys. Would you

make way to the press pit, please?

Rhys will deliver a speech in the guise of a leading figure in the world stage,

while Hugh will translate what it really means.

Mr. Rhys is Andrew Mountbatten Windsor.

Are you fucking kidding me?

You told me I was going to be Cristiano Ronaldo.

Hello, it's me, Mr.

Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor.

What happened?

I am currently facing some personal challenges.

And that is putting it fucking mildly.

Things are starting to get serious for me.

I suddenly realised I do sweat.

I realise now I should have kept better company.

Marrying Fergie was a terrible idea.

I'm getting a lot of criticism, but remember all the good things I've done.

When I was a royal, I used to work like a dog.

I spent my time on all fours panting a lot.

It's been incredibly exhausting moving house.

You would not believe how hard it is to bubble wrap a horse.

I've changed.

I'll be spending my time in Sandringham reflecting and quietly integrating.

Hello, Norfolk ladies.

Hot former war hero, new in town, single and ready to mingle. Call me for golf,

pizza and maybe more.

The media are wrongly portraying me as a fat, arrogant sex addict with low

intelligence.

I am not fat.

If you accuse me, I will defend myself robustly.

I will give you £12 million to shut the fuck up.

These claims about me and Epstein are ancient history some of them are over 17

years old

17

years old

The next round is called Here Today, Gone Tomorrow.

This round involves Glenn and Sarah.

So if you could make your way to the performance area, please. This round is

a stand-up challenge. I launch a wheel of news, and wherever you choose to

stop, one of our performers will step forward and talk about that subject. The

winner is whoever I think is the funniest.

OK, here we go. Let's have our first topic, please.

Let's spin the wheel.

And the topic is children.

I am 32.

And I don't look it.

It is a bit of a nightmare.

Last summer, I was walking my friend's dog down the street, having a nice time,

a little pair of shorts, having a lovely day. There was a guy on the other side

of the street, this guy, this older guy, he got level, and this guy shouted, No

school today!

And then I had to say, Oh, no.

No, there's no school today.

because I am 32 years old.

And he said, oh, that's weird. I thought you were a young boy.

I was like, I'm weird. Why are you starting a conversation with a young

boy?

What's your plan, spooky man?

My girlfriend hates it. She hates how young I look because she looks like an

adult woman. So if we walk around holding hands, what's she up to?

We went for a drink. It was a hot day, really hot day. We went out for a drink.

And for some reason, I don't know why, I decided I wanted a really, really dry

rosé with an ice cube in it. Just fancied it.

But I also needed to go to the bathroom. So I went off to the bathroom and I said

to my girlfriend what I wanted.

She went off to the bar. She said, can I get two really, really dry rosés with an

ice cube in each one? And the guy behind the bar said, I'm not serving you until

the young man you're with comes back.

And I can check his ID.

And she said, OK, well, just so you know, they are 32 years old. And he

said, I don't believe that for a second.

So what he thinks has happened is that I, a boy, 17 at most,

have walked into a bar and said, I would like a very, very dry birthday,

please.

I would like a single IQ.

And if anybody asks, you must tell them that I am 32 years old.

Thank you very much.

That leaves us with Glenn. Let's see what your topic is. Let's spin the

wheel.

And the topic is bravery.

Away you go.

I'm not a brave person. I'm not very good at a conflict. I'll do anything in

my life to avoid a fight. I'll do anything in my life to avoid...

I think even the slightest disagreement.

I'll give an example. A few months ago, I was standing at a train platform.

I was waiting for my train. A train came along that was not my train. The man

behind me said, after you, and I got on the train.

I get terrified of ever getting told off. I got told off by someone a few

months ago, and it still haunts me to this day because I truly don't know if I

was in the wrong.

Or a bit strange as being completely unreasonable.

So who's in the wrong here? About six months ago, a woman told me off for

holding the door open for her because she was still pissing. What do you

think?

I'm terrified of getting told off. I never have arguments. You know, it's not

how I deal with situations. So if I did have, like, a nemesis, if I had an

enemy, if I had someone I hated, someone whose life I wanted to destroy, someone

I wanted to see brought down a peg or two, the way I'd ruin my enemy's life is

not by defeating them face to face in an argument. I mean, the way you ruin your

enemy's life is you just Google their name every day alongside the word

allegations until you change the algorithm. That's what you do.

I'm the only person in my family who's not good at standing up for themselves.

Everyone else in my family, very good in a conflict. I've got members of my

family who have been killed in conflicts for gold. My great-uncle was killed in

Vietnam last year in some weird sex den. Never going to be like that again.

Very confrontational family, you know? It's like my grandmother always used to

say to me, wouldn't you sort the fuck up? I, um... What have I achieved in my

life? What had I achieved by the age of 25, you know? I, uh... I once bought a

pint of beer for Jude Law.

Yeah. Don't know why. I've never been in the same room as him. That was

optimistic. I don't know.

Like, even as I was pouring it, I was like, I don't know where he is.

I don't need to think I'm complaining about not being a brave person or

anything like that. No, I feel like every time you complain about your life

in the 21st century, that's such a slap in the face to every generation before

you who would like so much harder than you. You know, my parents' lives were

harder than mine. My grandparents' lives were harder than theirs. My great

-grandparents had to flee their home country during World War II and live the

rest of their lives living in fear in Buenos Aires. I cannot imagine.

Now, as my great-grandfather, mankind, caring, racist to a fault.

I can't stand up to anyone, you know? My wife even upset me the other day. I

didn't say anything about it, okay? She upset me because she made a joke. I

spent ages making dinner. It was very romantic. I dedicated my entire day to

making dinner. I got out of bed, had my normal morning routine, had a cup of

tea, Googled Rhys James allegations and stopped making this amazing... I put it

down on the table in front of her. She takes one bite. She goes, oh,

compliments to the microwave.

Piss off.

That hurt my feelings because that dinner took me three and a half hours to

make, you know, because I had it on defrost. It's just so upsetting.

Well done, very good.

At the end of that round, the points go to Sarah.

Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.

The next round is called, if this is the answer, what is the question? On the

board are six categories.

Hugh, which category would you like?

Sport. Sport! OK, Hugh, your topic is sport.

The answer is 25. What is the question?

Is it how old do I feel now that I'm back?

Is it how many times is Mott the Week mentioned in the Epstein file?

Got to point out, we're not mentioning the Epstein files, unlike QI and 8 out

of 10 cats. OK.

Is it what is the maximum speed Keir Starmer will drive in a 30?

How many prostate exams can you book in for before they get suspicious?

There's something up there. There's something up there. Just have one more

look. That's not how that works either.

Get the WD-40.

Is this at what age did I stop wearing gloves that were connected by a piece of

string?

Is it how many people actually got COVID?

We bought the BBC.

We say what we want on CLT.

Where have you been? Where have you been for three years? I'm going to shut off.

It's been so nice, everyone.

I've been in a cave in Royston.

I've been online all the time for three years.

You don't get it because you use Xenon gas.

And WD-40, well, it's a conspiracy.

What percentage of the Beatles have a parking app named after them?

Paid by Paul McCartney was really pissed off.

Is it how many people my dad thinks I'm talking about when I describe somebody

using they, their pronoun?

Is it what Rhys James' inside leg?

Is it how old does Rhys James look?

Unless you get very close to him.

Is it how many ounces of bull semen I rub on my face every day to keep these?

Is it how many months old did Dara lose his hair?

You know he's bald, right?

I was also born bald.

I mean, I didn't just get it for like a year.

Okay, we get it. You're a scientist.

How many seconds are there between Richard Attenborough saying welcome and

to Jurassic Park?

How many days of my cottage cheese advent calendar remain unopened?

That's why you're not putting on muscle.

Is it what channel number is TLC?

What is TLC?

Anything from 12 to 133.

It's a wonderful journey every Sunday evening. Thank you for finding us.

You must be weary, Trevor.

Rest your tired finger.

No, I haven't finished yet.

Too few, not with this WD-40.

Is it how many hours does it take my four-year-old son to eat a fucking

sandwich?

Sorry, I got problems at home. Yeah, we all get that.

Is it how many times during a haircut do I think, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, I

should not have become a hairdresser?

What comes after M in M25?

LAUGHTER OK,

what is the actual question?

This is how many Winter Olympics have there been.

Correct. Thank you very much.

Yes,

the question I was looking for was how many Winter Olympics have there been,

including this one.

The 2017 Winter Olympics is underway in Milan Cortina and will feature 2,900

athletes from 90 countries competing in 116 events.

So have you all been watching the festival of sliding and gravity?

It's a lot more dangerous than the normal Olympics, isn't it? It really is,

yeah. There's so much more jeopardy. It's instantaneously dangerous. It's

crazy. The normal Olympics is like, oh, how far can you jump into this sand pit?

This is like, prepare for the icy slide of death.

We're announcing you over a cliff.

You weren't expecting that, were you?

The equivalent would be if the summer Olympics, if the 100 metres was on the

top of a skyscraper that was exactly 100 metres wide.

And they were being chased by a lion. Yeah.

And now we shall pour washing-up liquid all over the place.

Ready to go? A lot of music.

Element to it all, yeah.

The athletes from around the world, including two athletes from Greenland

who are taking part in the biathlon, which is the one where you ski and

shoot. And because they're here, Greenland is undefended.

There's an actual...

Competitive skiing and shooting at the same time. Well, not that... You do

stuff.

You do shoot. I don't know what you shoot. Targets. You shoot targets. Yeah,

what do you think you'd shoot? Elk. Elk.

I mean, I think I'd be more into it. But they don't do like that with figure

skating and stuff, do they? No, no, no. You don't have to pick them off like

that. You'll just spin really fast while shooting a target.

If anybody did this, it's like, don't kill anyone.

Oh, she's praying wildly.

What have ski jumpers at this year's Games been warned against doing?

Enlarging their penis.

Enlarging their penis. Because it actually makes you better at ski

jumping. Whereas in the hurdles... Yeah, they've been injecting like acid or

something.

Hyaluronic acid. Hyaluronic acid, right. And I read it because it's dangerous

because apparently there's loads of side effects if you do this, trying to

increase the size of your penis.

But apparently some of the side effects, memory loss.

It's all safe.

It's all safe.

Hugh,

let them finish the most reluctant round of applause of all time.

Higher neurotic acid is also the active ingredient in lots of anti-aging things.

Yes, it is. As L'Oreal will tell you, right? So not only does it give you a

bigger penis, it takes years off it.

That's why I feel sorry for penises, because they're born looking old.

Much like myself.

So, yeah, hyaluronic acid and paraffin. So it does sound so dangerous. Like, it

does sound something you don't want to do, but apparently you only have to

gain, like, a couple of inches. Because this is, again, a science thing for you.

I can have... This is an aerodynamic thing. So they think only... Because

last Olympics they got in trouble for just, like, opening their groins a

couple of centimetres, like the costumes, a little bit.

Apparently it's like an inch or something and then you can gain feet and

feet when you get 2.8 meters per centimeter of cloth. Essentially the aim

is to be as much like a flying squirrel as possible. A famously well-hung

animal.

I don't understand this news story.

What is a penis?

It's horrible. You wouldn't like it.

I couldn't believe it when I heard the word acid because I guess if you're

trying to get rid of a body you have to be really specific about which acid

you're using.

Otherwise, you'd sit over a bath being like, it's not dissolving and the dick

is getting bigger.

It would be the most flattering doping test to be called in for, though,

wouldn't it? Just going, oh, come with me, big boy. We've got to check out

what's going on there.

This sounds like an excuse men would give, too. They're like, no, no, no,

mine's big enough. I'm just doing it for my country.

And it caused all this scandal.

Some people are calling it penis gate, which I thought was a nice name for that

bit at the Y front.

Oh, yeah.

I thought that was the penis gate.

I never thought you referred to it as penis gate. Oh, just popped out the

penis gate.

Can you close the penis gate?

Presumably it's not any ski jumping. I would have thought penis enlivening must

help you in the pole vault.

No, you'd be the opposite.

You'd need a shrinking injection. Well, you wouldn't need a pole. You'd need to

ice pack your...

So now they're doing it by measuring, like, the bottom, like, how far your

genitals go down. It's only this benefit elderly men with their drooping ball.

Yeah. And every ski jumper should just be 90 years old.

They wouldn't weigh nothing. They would fly through the air for it. Please,

please.

That's a picture of Captain Tom.

Why has Elon Musk been in the news this week? He wants to launch a million

satellites into space for like AI centers and he wants them all to be

solar powered because he's a light supremacist.

But it does feel like a bit of a distraction if you have just been

announced in the Epstein Files, doesn't it? Just going, look up there, there's a

million satellites!

Sorry to bombard you with science questions, but how can they be solar

powered in space when it's dark?

Yeah, the sun's there, but it's night in space. Yeah.

It's always sunny in space. It's like, specifically not. It's pitch black. Why

is it never blue sky on the moon? Why is that space black, Zara? Hello, Zara.

Hello.

Why won't you tell us?

It's not a secret. I'm not keeping it from you.

I've been swore to secrecy on this one. I'm not in by you going, they're on to

us, they're on to us.

An engine running and Brian Cox in the car going, come now, come now.

This is a bit like a filibuster.

It's not nighttime in space. No, so it all follows the trajectory of the sun.

You can arrange it so it's always on the sunny side. Isn't that right?

You could.

Or they just get batteries and they just get lit when they go around. It doesn't

explain why it's dark in space. It's day.

When you're in space, you can see the sun is still there. What time is it in

space? Oh, my God.

Is it fun in space?

Yeah, actually, because none of this happens.

OK, at the end of that round, the points go to Glenn, Hugh and Sarah.

Join us after the break for more Mock the Week.

Now we play a game called...

You think that's bad?

In a world where everything seems to be going wrong, there's a chance for a

performance to compete to outdo each other with tales of woe from their

lives, and I decide whose is the worst.

Would anyone care to start us off? I'll start.

Go on.

So, I have therapy, and I was telling my therapist about how I was bullied at

school, and she asked me to describe it, and then she said, oh, that's not

bullying, you just weren't liked.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God. Pretty bad. That's amazing.

Did she say that whilst flushing your head down the toilet?

That's how she cleans away my tears at the end of the session.

You think that's bad? My therapist actually recommended I quit doing stand

-up in a YouTube comment about six months before we met.

I've got to go into therapy because I've got anger issues.

And I'm working and I get really angry about stuff that doesn't matter. But I

already know where I get it from. I get it from my biological father.

He's a really angry guy, my biological father. The main thing he gets angry

about is that he raised me my whole life and he's my normal dad, but I still call

him that for a laugh.

If you think that's bad, I recommended Harold Shipman to be ambassador to

Morocco.

If you think that's bad, my husband stopped listening to Joe Rogan because

he thought he was too woke.

If you think that's bad, I went to the shop.

To buy a cauliflower.

But I accidentally bought a cabbage.

And I peeled the whole cabbage looking for a cauliflower.

When the whole thing was gone, I still didn't get it.

Oh no, I'll get one more layer.

I'll get one more layer.

I'll be in here.

And I really wish I was a good enough comedian to have made that up.

It's very bad, but that's sort of bad in vegetables.

I think this is worse. My son turned four the other day, and some of the

parents were sort of standing around at the party chatting, and that's how I

found out I'm supposed to have been making him brush his teeth.

Oh! I thought that was something we all sort of did for ourselves, wasn't it?

We're like, I'm supposed to be having a toothbrush in his mouth every day. You

thought it was an instinct that kicked in.

It's had teeth for ages.

I can't wait to hear how shitty your therapist is about this.

I'll tell you what's really good about cleaning your teeth.

WD-40.

That's why my teeth are so clean.

Hanging out with you-know-who.

I was a really small child, can you guess? No, were you?

Yeah, exactly. I was a small child. Go fuck yourself.

But my mum used to measure mine and my brother's height by marking it on the

kitchen doorframe every six months to see how much we'd grown. And mine stayed

the same for so long, people would come round and assume I had died.

You know, as you get older, you get more hair. You get hair in strange places.

I plucked a nose hair the other day, and my tonsils came out with it.

You know, plucking a nose hair, it can actually break a nose if you don't ask

the person first.

Now we come to scenes we'd like to see. So if everyone can make their way over

to the performance area, please.

I'll read out this week's topics, and we'll see what our panelists can come up

with. Okay, here we go. The first subject is... Unlikely lines from a

blockbuster movie.

It's happened.

They've risen from the dead.

And now they're here to mock more weak.

We're sending you to the Caribbean, Bond. We need you to befriend a nonce.

The terrorists have seized the president and taken him hostage, and since then,

everything's felt quite lovely.

Finally, we meet, Bon.

I just need to finish my interpretive dance, and I'll be back.

The talking bookcase from Ikea.

The calls are coming from inside the house.

We have a landline?

My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, father to a murdered son, husband to a

murdered wife, and ambassador for men's mental health.

I'm just a girl.

standing in front of a boy, telling him to put the fucking toilet seat down.

They say the killer comes from a musical theater background, and they could be

among us as we... I've come here from the

dying alien planet of Krypton to save mankind, which, on reflection, is not

something I should have told the ice agent.

How have I shit myself this badly?

If you only watch one movie this year, watch F1. The gripping story of a

function key on a computer keyboard.

I'm ready for the revolution.

And I've brought the wavy vanilla ice cream between layers of crisp chocolate.

Sorry, V for Vendetta.

And you see, the thing is, he's got those cold, lifeless eyes, black eyes

like dolls' eyes, and then you hear that horrible, high-pitched, blip-bip-blop

-bip-blop-bip!

My love, Cinderella, has left this shoe behind, so now I need every

woman in the kingdom to show me her feet.

What do you mean? It's a completely normal plan.

Some say you can still hear the farmer who used to live here milking the cows

in the middle of the night.

So if anyone hears anything that sounds like that, that's what it is.

Unlikely lines from a blockbuster movie.

I'm sorry, Dara.

I can't do that.

How long does it take you to defuse a bomb?

I don't know, about ten minutes? You've got 30 seconds!

All right, but I can't.

I still can't do that, darling.

Well, I'm here with my friends.

There's a lion. He would like some courage.

And there's a scarecrow, and he would like a brain.

And then there's a tin man, and he would like Hugh Dennis to ejaculate in his

joints.

No, no, no.

I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to notice that my hair is

a completely different fucking color today.

I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy realizing it's a mirror and that

gender is a social construct.

Not the week has changed.

Well, yeah, of course I spent my money populating this place with dinosaurs.

What else is a billionaire supposed to do with an island?

You see, Slytherin's bad. The sorting hat put Hermione in reform.

OK, the next topic is... Hey,

girl, are you the film The Notebook? Cos it seems everyone's touched by you,

except for me.

No, don't be put off. I don't normally walk like this. The last guy I slept

with was a ski jumper.

Can you iron?

Sorry, I'm a bit of an anxious nail-biter. I didn't hurt your toes, did

I?

If I could rearrange the alphabet... I'd put you next to I, and then a

T in the middle, because I've got cystitis.

The room just lit up when you walked in.

I think they have motion-sensitive switches.

Girl, are you a watermelon?

Because I want to take you back to my place and then feel too overwhelmed to

do anything with you.

My ex-girlfriend used to call me the horse on account of my massive ketamine

problem.

I would take the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes.

That noise, that's Dara O'Brien crying because the stars are in the wrong

place.

Wow. God must have taken the day off after making you, because you seem like

a lot of work.

Hey, girl, are you from Tennessee?

Because you're the only 10 I see.

No? Well, then, are you from Pennsylvania?

Because you've made my Pennsylvania.

Forgive me. Forgive me.

Reza has actually tried that one on me.

Yeah, I am a high-flying PR executive. I'm launching a new client's fragrance.

What do you think of Just Andrew?

I say most men can't even find it, but I can.

The lost kingdom of Shambhala.

Having sex with me is like having a happy meal. I come with a little toy.

Look, I don't care that you have a son.

Yeah, I know, Rhys.

I should ask you back to my place, but it seems a bit soon.

I only escaped this morning.

Did you fall from heaven and it wasn't your fault?

You might be eligible for compensation.

I'm not wearing any deodorant.

Hey girl, is that a Snapchat filter or are you an actual dog?

Hey, are you from Tennessee?

Because you're the only ten I see.

No? Well then, are you from Virginia?

Because you should have this Virginia.

Come on, don't be silly.

You pay.

If I could rearrange the alphabet.

Sorry,

I know this is... so cheesy, but I haven't showered in a while.

Oh, your underwear must be lucky underwear, because it gets to touch

your... Ah, she's gone.

You know, they call me the stallion. At weekends, I get whipped by small men

while Claire Balding commentates.

And that's the end of the show.

This week's winners are Glenn Moore, Hugh Dess, and Sarah Pascoe.

Commiserations to Catherine Lyon, Rhys James, and Sarah Keyworth.

Thanks for watching. I'm Daryl Breen. Good night.