Original subtitles

Joseph? Jerry?

Why are you tied on to me? Oh, my God, I was about to ask you the same thing.

What?

Hang on. I think I have a lighter in my pocket. Can you reach it?

No, not a pocket. Not a pocket. Oh.

Okay, I got it. I got it. I got it. Okay, you're going to have to burn

through the ropes.

Have you ever used a lighter before? Yeah, toy.

One from base, one from center. Okay, cool. So the key thing is to avoid

setting fire to my ribs. Yeah, or myself.

Yeah, but my wrists really need to take priority. I use them all the time,

especially the right.

Okay, here we go. Ready? Yeah.

Fucking tits! In a good way or a bad way.

You whore!

What the... I know what you're thinking. This is the best TV show I've ever seen.

And who's that hunk?

But I need to back it up a bit.

My name is Special Agent Jerry Bernstein, better known to my enemies

and ex-wife as Jerry the Beast.

Can you grab my luggage, or do I need to do that too?

I landed at GCHQ and was greeted by a sun-kissed man-child who went on to

become my best buddy.

Do you mind me asking, do you have dwarfism in your family?

And when I say my best buddy, I mean my assistant. I think we should start with

you. No.

Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Yes! I was asked to come to the United Kingdom of Cheltenham

to kick some major ass in your lame national security setup. This is first

-rate intel. My guy is the best.

This is just taken from Wikipedia.

Right, you have that here?

It's been a blast.

But what's the next chapter?

Well, buckle up, baby, because the beast is back.

Anyway, in other news, I finally decided to publish my memoirs. Why?

Thank you. Yeah, I can't say too much about it, but I sold the rights for an

undisclosed sum. Oh, wow. How much?

That's just it. They wouldn't say.

And is GCHQ comfortable with all that? Who cares?

My story needs to be told.

So it's a children's book? No, the sex is pretty graphic. So what's it going to

be about? Well, it's called Beast, and it's a collection of anecdotes about my

time here. So some poems, the odd anatomical drawing.

Do you want to hear a little?

No.

8 a.m., jungle time.

It's been seven months since I was last kidnapped.

I haven't been to the toilet. My only friend is a large egg-eating snake.

And my dick is on fire!

Sorry, so is this a poem?

Yeah.

Yeah, that part is.

And this covers your time at the NSA as well?

Yeah, so far it covers everything up to the point I was kidnapped.

Well, even though that was just a prank.

You ordered pizza?

Surprise!

What the fuck?

Yeah.

This is nice, by the way. Oh, thank you.

Mum left it to me in her will. I thought she hated you.

No. I think that's just part of her personality.

Evelyn, I've been meaning to ask, who's the father?

Oh, I can't remember their names. Yeah, baby.

No, I'm just a surrogate.

Okay. Right. Can we make a start?

Tuba, I'm still concerned about last week's safety breach.

I don't understand. How did they manage to bypass GCHP's firewall?

Yes, quite.

It's completely unprecedented and really rather worrying.

Well, I've actually been road testing a new bit of code that simulates what

would happen in the event of a real-life cyber attack here at GCHQ.

If only you'd got to run it last week.

Well, it was that that reminded me. What were the results?

So far, it's not worked.

Right. So it hasn't worked as in it was successful?

I'll be completely honest, it's actually very difficult to tell, not least

because I haven't been able to navigate away from the Wagamama website.

What's the result of the test?

Again, very difficult to tell. I should know more in about... ..a year.

Perfect. Well, the response from upstairs has been that we shouldn't

worry our pretty little heads about it. Do they happen to say which of us is

prettiest? Mary. Mary? Mary, what's the latest on the G7 climate summit?

Oh, the few race alerts, the usual bits of chatter on the key activism sites,

plus someone flew themselves to Simon Cowell. Fine. Evelyn.

I mean, no, not that I'm aware of.

No, do you have anything to add?

There was something I had space to tell you, but I can't remember what it was.

Fantastic.

Oh, yeah, Rupert said he might come in.

Sorry for the interruption. Just want to make you aware that there's a nuclear

missile coming straight for us. No!

No! Everyone, on top of me! Come on! Get out here! It's a metaphor.

Yeah, I know. So is that.

Okay.

Joseph, write that down, okay? That's going right into Beast.

Metaphors.

Okay. As you're all aware, there's a G7 summit this week, and our very own

Energy Minister...

Joanna Telfer Fotheringham plans to announce her climate bill there. But we

have a problem.

She lost it? It's a little bit more serious than that, I'm afraid. She's

eaten it. I've just taken a call from a journalist from The Guardian who has

somehow got wind of the data breach here at GTHQ.

But I've already raised the breach with Whitehall.

And told them to go public. Not least, because the stolen satellite data proves

beyond doubt that the Minister's new bill has catastrophic implications for

the planet. Well, without that data, she kind of has the freedom to do what she

likes. Plus...

The PM feels that you might be a little too close to the subject to be

impartial. Well, perhaps the PM needs reminding that as head of this

department, I have managed to remain impartial through three referenda, two

monarchs and nine prime ministers.

That can't be right.

But on this particular matter... It's hardly in Whitehall's interest, is it,

to publish the real data, not with so many party donors coming from big

energy. What if the stolen data resurfaces?

That would just confirm to those like Fotheringham who are keen to see GCHQ

privatised. That we are no longer the bastion of digital security that we

claim to be.

Very clever, Joanna. It's a win-win.

Jesus Christ.

Did you just learn about my memoirs? Chris, I didn't. It's fine.

Um... Yeah.

I'll take it from here.

I'll draft a statement.

Okay.

What I'm about to say doesn't leave these four walls.

Hang on.

Sorry, I just get a little paranoid that folks are listening in.

Always carry a spare.

Give me that!

Please, Jerry.

As many of you know, I have been at GCHQ for the best part of 35 years.

Oh!

Sorry, that's just exactly how long I have left on my mortgage, so I just...

And whilst I would happily continue serving king and country ad infinitum,

certain members of this government have decided that a more modern approach is

required to tackle the ever-increasing threat to our nation's cyber security.

Are we finally getting an Xbox?

I'm being fired.

Oh, Chris.

I've got till the end of the week. Do you want me to kill someone?

If only.

Does this mean you're going to be home all the time? You can always move in

with Auntie Jo. So could you.

Chris, I just want you to know, on behalf of everyone here at SISEC, and I

say this with absolutely no agenda whatsoever, who are they eyeing up as

your replacement?

Nice try, Jerry, but mine isn't the only position that's become untenable. This

is just the government's first step in shutting down SISEC altogether and

replacing us with AI.

AI? Robots.

Robot! Robot!

No, no!

Even though I acknowledge that I would be one of the first to go on paper, at

least, I do feel like a robot would struggle to mimic exactly how many

things I get wrong on a daily basis.

It's actually very nuanced.

Well, then I'm sure you'll be fine.

Would you like me to type any of that up? No. Oh, look!

Joanna!

You see, what we all need to remember about these record temperatures...

is that they are nature's way of telling us that we are doing a really great job.

Makes sense.

Yes, but of course you must always look to the future. And that means investment

in technology all across the board. And this government is committed to an

increasingly AI-driven approach, whether that be the harnessing of nuclear

energy, right the way through to keeping us safe from cyber attacks.

I mean, gone are the days of dowdy little snowflakes in a pillbox trying to

do the right thing.

God, that is so harsh on you guys.

But there must be some jobs humans do. So am I texting Joanna to say I'm moving

in or not?

Okay,

fine, yes. She's also my little sister.

Any questions?

Uh, yeah.

What's she doing Friday? Because, damn!

Funny. In our 20s, people used to say we looked identical. The only way you could

tell us apart was that one of us didn't like bananas.

Well, yeah, I can imagine that.

What do you mean?

Gradually, we drifted apart.

I chose loyalty to my country. She chose to marry into the Fotheringham Telfer

estate and enter the gaudy glamour of British politics.

Mum hates her because she gave Granny shingles and once got me a Bacardi

breather for my birthday.

Oh, which flavour?

You were five!

Wait a minute. So this whole thing, the data hack, the...

Trying to shut down the department is all a vendetta against you?

And which of you doesn't like bananas?

No. It's just a cold-blooded grab for as much money, attention, and power as she

can get.

Destroying me is just a fun little side project.

Do we still have access?

The original carbon emission data. We are talking about the biggest breach in

GCHQ's history. It'd likely take a specialist team weeks. Got it. That is

so hard. Wow, so whoever stole the files left a digital fingerprint.

Can it be traced?

Yes. The breach was initiated by Trojan AI.

The major shareholder is... Joanna.

Joanna. Joanna. Okay, what if we blew the whistle? Huh?

I've always wanted to blow the whistle. Is it a real whistle? Because I imagine

it's like gold with a leather chain. What? And break the official secret

pact? No, thanks.

Joanna knows damn well I would never betray the government, even one as

crooked as hers.

I actually saw a film where someone at GCHQ did that. What happened? Well, one

of them got the head chopped off, but the other got to meet Colin Firth. What

if we took the original data directly to the summit and switched it in somehow?

Out of the question. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What if we took the original data directly to the summit and switched it

in somehow?

What? The G7 summit isn't a place you can just walk into without proper

clearance. Yeah, but what if we were two of the attending scientists?

Are you really expecting me to sanction an operation whereby you and him pose as

internationally recognized climate scientists in order to bring down his

majesty's government, save GCHQ and the planet and the reputation of this

department?

Sorry,

I can't tell if you're joking or not. Come on, Chrissie. Are you really going

to let your sister leave your legacy in tatters?

Look. We can do this.

We are a formidable, diverse, and deeply talented team.

Look, I know we've had our disagreements in the past, and I can't honestly say

how many times I wanted to trip you as you walked by or stop the revolving door

right before you exit, but if we can get the real data in front of these nerds,

there's a chance here we can literally save the world.

So what do you say?

Fuck it. What have we got to lose?

Fuck yeah!

USA! USA!

By God, Jerry, if this plane goes down, you're coming with me. You have my word.

Don't write that down.

I can't believe I'm finally getting promoted.

I know.

What do you mean? Well, when the board sees how amazing I am out in the field,

they'll beg me to take over for Chris. Plus, all this is great material for

Beast. So, do I pop up in Beast at all? Are you kidding me? You're right there

on the first page.

Note to self, mention Joseph somewhere in Beast.

So, I know this isn't probably the best timing, but I just wanted to let you

know first, I'm thinking of proposing to Charlotte.

Well, I just wanted you to know from experience that long-distance

relationships rarely work out.

Oh, well, I'd move to Cornwall.

No, I was talking about us.

So I guess one way or another, this could be our last mission together.

Yeah. It's a shame, because when I take over, I have huge plans for this place,

starting with the rooftop pool. I can always live it, especially if it's a

wave machine.

Listen.

You know, you should only propose if you're absolutely certain you're going

to get a yes. You think I should find out first?

100%. By asking her? Yeah, ask her twice.

Worst case scenario, you get two no's, but at least you'll know for sure. Oh,

God, maybe you could ask her. To marry me? No, she'll say yes. No, I just meant

on my behalf.

I still worry that might confuse her from an emotional point of view.

Especially if I ask her twice.

So, this is the electromagnetic pulse device, which you'll use to bypass

security at the G7.

Never dial it up to anything more than eight.

And try not to point it at your grind. Oh, why not?

Jesus.

Jesus, did someone die in here?

Yes.

Okay, look, we don't have much time, but Mary said you might be able to help with

some disguises.

Yes. So, what look are you going for?

Well, we just need to pass these two.

And which way round were you thinking?

Okay, so I think the key change here is hair.

Okay, plus is it possible to do something about Joseph's nose?

What do you mean? Well, I'm just worried about its bulk giving us away.

Like in Pinocchio?

Kind of.

Let me see what I've got.

No, that's, that's, no.

That's wrong.

Don't worry about the style for now. I just want to check the fit.

I don't see how this helps. I'm trying to pass for this guy.

Maybe you could say you're wearing it like that because it's a special

occasion. You know, what about his nose?

I don't think it'll fit.

The wig? You could always hang it off the tip.

I think it's too big. The wig on my nose. Okay, you know what? We'll figure

it out ourselves.

Okay? People change their hair all the time, plus the G7 only meets once a

year. A lot can change in a year. Exactly, which is why I thought... Okay,

we've got to get out of here. Okay. Oh, great.

Okay, be honest.

What do you think?

It's Jerry and Joseph, by the way.

Jerry, Joseph. It'll have to do, Mary.

Oh, so, security clearance this year is being handled by AXS.

It's an app-based system that mixes encryption with QR technology.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down a sec. What do you mean by app? Don't worry. Just

let security scan the code, and then we will handle the restroom in here.

What about when the real plant is shot?

I'm tracking their car.

You'll have about 15 minutes before they arrive.

It's all the time we have, so we need to get in and out. Here are your comms.

But just make sure that the earpieces are set to one of the lower channels.

Why? Because we're going to be triggering an electromagnetic pulse.

Wait, what?

Is that safe? Yes, yes. Although, me and Quentin just used one to start a fire.

It's fine.

It just sends out a small signal that jams the feed.

Which then allows us to bypass security.

It once bypassed Mum's pacemaker.

Is that how she died?

No, she just ate too many acorns. Once inside, Evelyn will be there. Posing as

a waitress, she's worked there before, so she knows the layout. She will be

able to show you where the press are being held. Once you're there, all you

need to do is locate the laptop, which is feeding them the official updates.

It's likely to be small and black.

Maybe you should remember that. This USB drive is coded to automatically upload.

and present the real data.

Just put it into any available USB port.

Okay, USB port. Yeah, just remember United States and B for boobs.

And with any luck, once everyone sees the real data, the science community and

the great British press will look after the rest.

What are you going to do if a real scientist comes up to you and asks you a

question? Answer it. I'm just going to say lockdown is going to be completely

mad. All right, let's do this. Okay. Come on, get in here. Come on, get in

there.

One, two.

Do I come to thee?

No, you go on top. Okay, let's go.

So the trick is to get the oil piping hot first. Yeah, I know you said, and

then you add the batter. Exactly.

Then you add the batter. Otherwise, they just won't rise.

Sorry, sir, can I see your QR codes?

Oh, there you go.

Then I scan it.

All right, here we go.

There it is, right there.

Do it again.

Do it again. Do you mind?

No. No.

Is there a problem?

Excuse me, sir. Would you mind? Yes, there is a problem. Your QR code isn't

being recognised.

Do either of you chaps have ID?

ID of ourself?

No, ID of Ian. Who do you think? Who's Ian?

I'm Ian. Who's Chris? Chris Debs. Master Chef Quarter Finalist 2013.

Dude, congrats. Thank you very much. Really?

Ask them to scan it again.

Ask them to scan it again.

Sorry. I didn't mean to say that out loud. I was just talking to Gerry.

Miguel. Miguel.

I just have these sort of mini strokes going on.

I don't know why it's not working.

Try increasing the signal strength.

Lower the frequency in your earpiece. Lower the frequency?

Excuse me, sir, are you all right? Yeah, I just said how.

Why? No, how.

Has that worked?

To a degree, yes.

Okay, now it's saying that your code's actually already been scanned.

Well, yeah, because it has just now. Master chef.

So have you been to one of these before?

The G7 summit.

Yeah, we've been to them all.

Yeah, I mean, the G1 was nuts, wasn't it? We're the only ones there. Please be

quiet. Yeah.

So sorry this is happening.

Please, please try.

Okay, sir. Well, you are good to go. Yep. Let's go.

Yep. Okay, we're

in. Is Evelyn already inside?

No, I think I might be in labor.

What? Jesus.

Well, you're going to have to hold that in, okay?

Joseph. Joseph!

Chris, we're going to have to buy some time here. Well, whatever you do, don't

speak to anyone.

Hello, Dr.

Tom Herbert.

Hello. Hi,

Dr. Charm.

Hi.

We've not met, but I'm a big fan of your work.

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

It's great to see you looking so well. I heard that you had a tracheotomy.

No, no, no. I don't think so. Where did you hear that?

Didn't you make a documentary about it?

Yes. Yes, that one.

Yes. Well, there are good days and bad days. You know how it is. Right.

Robot.

No, this was a while ago. I've grown my hair out since then. No, this was back

in Oklahoma in 95.

Right. The bombing. No, the musical.

Congratulations as well.

Oh, Christ. What now?

Yeah. Anna said that you just got married.

Oh, yes.

Oh, sublime.

She works in climate science as well, yeah?

Who, Anna?

No, your wife.

Oh. Yeah, I wonder if we've ever crossed paths or... No, no, because she passed

away.

Stop speaking!

I'm so sorry. When you said you were married, I assumed that... Oh, well,

when we were married, she was still alive.

Miguel Stallone and Herbert Chom are about to arrive.

You need to wrap this up.

By the way, your paper on hypothetic readjustments and how it affects climate

change models is really interesting. Thank you, I agree. Yeah, it's one of my

all-time favourites. Which model did he use?

Oh, she was just this hottie I met in Vegas.

Got to get going.

So great to see you again. We've never met. No, that's what I thought. Thank

you.

Joanne, five minutes away.

Evelyn, what's the latest?

Oh, false alarm. I think it was just Braxton Hicks.

I know him.

Do you mind me asking how she died?

Who? Your wife.

Oh, yeah. No. Oh, God, no. No, that's fine.

Oh, crikey. I can never remember the name of the condition. You can't

remember how she died?

It was a crocodile.

Yeah, that's it. She got snapped up by a crocodile.

Yeah, it was pretty quick. I take a lot of comfort in that.

Okay, we've got to go.

Can I have a drink, please?

I'm pregnant.

Sorry. Oh, God.

Joanna is about to arrive. Hurry up!

Okay, let's finish this. Do you have the USB?

No.

What? I just didn't want anyone to find it in case I got strip-searched. What do

you mean? I might need to pop to the toilet first.

What? Jesus Christ. Evelyn!

What now?

Joseph swallowed the data stick.

On purpose?

Mother of God!

Come on, Joseph. Push.

Imagine you're Evelyn.

Well, I'm having a caesarean, so... Fine. I'm trying as hard as I can. It's

just nothing's coming out. Remember what's at stake here. I know the future

of the planet.

Mum's job.

Exactly. My promotion.

I don't think I need anything more to eat. What?

Here, give me that.

Okay, I got chips.

What flavor?

Pickled onion.

No, they give me the rum.

No, no, that's perfect.

Here, just cut them in your mouth.

Oh, my God. No.

35 years of continuous service, and it all culminates in me waiting for a man

to shit out a USB stick.

Thank you.

Just to let you know, Joe Abbott gets you out of the car.

UK Energy. Minister Joanna Telfer Fotheringham has just arrived at the G7,

where she is due to deliver a landmark address revealing groundbreaking new

climate research.

We are running out of time.

I swear to God, Joseph, if you don't hurry up, I'm going to come in there and

shit it out myself.

It's too late. If the real data isn't released to the press before the end of

her speech, we may as well not have bothered.

Joanna has entered the building.

Tuva, Mary, initiate Operation Scotch Egg.

You got it? Yes.

It's fine, I wiped it. Oh, God, sorry for the delay. I should check and I got

everything. There's a couple of big marbles in there as well.

Let's go.

Yeah.

Oh, be cool.

Hi.

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me, sir.

Chris, you've got to get us out of here.

Behind you.

Oi! Listen, we need to check your IDs again.

Joseph, I've got the memory stick.

Yeah, but don't lick it.

No, no, no, hide it, hide it. No, no, hide it.

What are you doing? Get it, get it, get it.

Okay, okay, this, come here, come here!

This right here is a hostage situation.

I've got a pregnant waitress, a goblin, and three understudies from the musical

Annie, all on crack.

Everyone do what I say!

Thank you, Jerry, that won't be necessary.

So no?

No. Okay, fine.

Chris Clark.

Head of FISEC at GCHQ.

Though not for long, I hear.

Oh, come on, sis. Why the long face?

Did someone shrink your forever friend nightie? At least I wore a nightie. Yes,

I was surprised you noticed. All the math books shoved up your arse. Well, if

it meant I could tell the time. No one needs to tell the time anymore.

The world's moved on. Joanna, how lovely it is to see you again. I don't believe

we've spoken since... Mummy's funeral.

Yes, of course. How could I forget? I did the catering. You did a photo shoot.

Well, it's what Mummy would have wanted. Of course. You were always her

favourite. Yes.

It's a shame she isn't around now to see me launch this climate bill be right up

her street. In 50 years, her street and half of Cheltenham will be underwater as

well, you know. Always with the sea level rise. Change the record, Chrissie.

Which I see is exactly what you are attempting to do. Snap.

Oh, boo-fucking-hoo.

Have an arches and lemonade.

Come on, lighten up.

I like that. I mean, if you can't cope with sea level rise, go live on a yacht.

God knows I do.

Okay, you know, enough of this.

Which of you two doesn't like bananas?

Which do you think?

Now, much as I'd like to hang around, some of us have got a bright and

sparkling future to attend to.

Kindly see these retrograde geeks off the premises.

We'll do Christmas this year, by the way.

Oh, you then. I got your text. You can come and stay any time.

No, thanks.

No, she doesn't have Sky.

Right, come on. You heard the lady.

You of all people know how to play by the rules. I'm sorry to inform you that

I ain't no lady. She's not.

And I've given up on playing by the rules.

Here's where my training kicks in. Beast, Chapter 7, Monkey See, Monkey Do.

Tiger Claw!

still standing there. Please welcome to the podium Joanna Telfer.

Don't worry, it's not Covid.

Anyone here actually die of Covid?

No. I didn't think so.

Well, obviously that is a joke.

As you can bet, your life will end up as a headline in The Guardian.

Right, now.

Where are we? Here we go, the future of the planet.

Do you know what the temperature on Venus is right now?

475 degrees centigrade.

That is almost as hot as me.

One for the summer.

Mary!

Excuse me, what are you doing?

Bollocks. Well, you've got Venus looking down on Earth and thinking, what are

they complaining about?

Tough crowd, isn't it?

Did I do good?

You did great.

Yes.

Okay, get up.

Oops.

And here we are on this sexy little planet moaning because it's got

a little barmy.

Well, thankfully, I've got some very good news for you all.

Everything is going to be fine.

Take it away.

Get a load of those stats.

Told you it was going to be okay.

You can take Doomsday out of your diary.

Want some more fruit?

Next slide, please.

Always carry a spare.

What's going on? Who's doing that?

Oh. Well, uh, uh, hang on.

Is Greta in? I thought she'd gone to see Father Christmas.

Next slide.

But that's just... Those are expenses.

Legitimate expenses.

Oh, no, no. That is fake news.

They would never sack me. Fake news?

No.

This is bad.

You're just not even... You shot a lion.

Yes, all right, I shot a lion.

You know why? Because it was showing off.

Let me tell you something. I swear to God,

I am taking all of you with me. Oh, yes.

Someone is going to pay for this. Because, you know, I have contacts.

I know Lizzo. I know what this is. Do you know I know what this is? This is a

left-wing conspiracy.

Do you know there's so many snowflakes in this room?

I haven't seen this much coverage since I dated a nun.

You dated a nun?

Yeah, it's all covered in the pop-up section of Beast.

Oh, that's nearly finished, by the way. It has to get very big. Oh, good.

So, what are we going to do to celebrate?

Oh, I was thinking paintball.

At my local crematorium. Yeah, there's tons of little nooks and crannies to

hide, plus the heating's completely free.

Have you thought of any baby names?

I really don't care.

Yeah, no, you couldn't come anyway.

So, Evelyn, what's the surrogacy planned?

What do you mean? I'm just doing it for the maternity leave.

So do you still get maternity leave, even though you're the surrogate? No, of

course not.

Oh, my God, are you kidding me?

Fuck's sake!

Well, Chris, looks like I finally rubbed off on you. Yes, quite.

In the end, I do believe you did. And was Rupert impressed?

Not just Rupert. It seems the whole board were quite taken aback by

Scythek's more maverick approach.

Well, what can I say?

I accept.

So much so, they've asked me to stay on indefinitely. Listen, guys, I've re...

What the fuck?

What? And you said yes?

Of course I said yes.

Do you... make me to stand back and watch this department get taken over by

AI? AI?

Robot. Robot?

Robot. No, no, not again.

So what, everyone has to stay here and do their old job?

Not quite everyone. There was one casualty, I'm afraid.

Joseph. Oh.

Good job I signed off on your transfer request in time.

Oh, the...

Oh, yeah, sorry, just to let you know, I don't know if this will be good news or

bad news, but I've decided to join the sex trafficking team at GCHQ Bud.

Well, it's certainly good news for the traffickers.

Thank you.

You know what we... Hi.

You know what we have is actually very rare. Well, I know we used to be

married. Yes, but forgetting that.

Yeah. Okay, what I mean is... What?

Imagine someone plucked you from your hometown, right, and dumped you in this

wasteland. Like an ET.

Exactly. Exactly. When I got here, I was like an ET.

I'm millions of miles away from home.

And then I find this lost little boy looking for a friend. Which is me.

Right. And what happens at the end, huh, buddy?

Does the alien cry like a little pussy when he and the boy finally part? No, I

remember, no.

No, the little boy cries because he realizes deep down that the alien is

better off alone in the cold, black void of space.

Correct.

And what if the lost little boy asked the alien to come and join the sex

trafficking team with him at Buda?

I suspect he'd be touched, but would never take the pay cut.

Well, she said yes, by the way.

Twice.

Well, there you go.

I'm happy for you, buddy. Thank you.

Now your only concern is surviving your stag do.

Oh, God, I dread to think what you have planned.

Little did we know Joanna had other plans for us.

which brings us back to where we started.

Do you think the sewage helped them? I don't know. How much of it is desert?

Why did everyone else? Who would do this to us?

Oh, you.

No, no, no, no. This is not good.

Bitch! Do you think it's the same Joanna?

What is that, low fuel?

Shit!

Shit, okay.

Okay, there's got to be a parachute somewhere on this thing. What does it

look like? It's kind of like a backpack, but with, like, toggles on the side,

okay?

Any luck?

No, there's just stuff in all of these.

No, no, no, wait, stop, stop!

What? What are you doing?

It's fine, look.

They don't have a pulse.

Is that the only one left?

No, I couldn't possibly... No, no, you take it. Ready? No, wait a minute.

Let's just... Yeah, let's think logically about this, right? Let's not

be blinded by emotion.

So if I die and you survive, what's the benefit of that? As opposed to, say, you

dying and me surviving.

Oh, God. Well, at least I get to marry Charlotte.

True. But I think you're going to want me to be there for that, right? And

plus, who's going to do your hair? That's true.

I guess I'm a little bit younger.

But it's not as if you're so young that you've got, like, your whole life ahead

of you. You know what I mean? Especially if you die on this flight.

We should toss a coin.

Sorry.

Yeah, that's what I... No, we should toss a coin.

That's the only way.

Okay. Okay, so... So what are we saying here?

Heads, I get to shoot? Yeah, I'm best of three.

Okay, here we go. You ready? Yeah.

Come on!

Woo! Sorry,

yeah, that was heads.

Oh. Sorry about... Yeah.

Okay. Round two. Here we go.

Come on. You got this.

Shit. I hate this fucking shit.

That's again.

What? No.

Okay. Here's the deciding vote. Okay?

You good? Yeah, I'm good. I'm good. Okay.

Wait. I wasn't ready.

You good?

Yeah, I'm good. What?

Right.

Take it.

Well, maybe you should keep it for good luck. The chute? No, the coin.

I mean, do you want me to knock you out before I go? You said to take

the edge off.

We're running out of time, okay? If you're going to jump, you've got to do

it now.

But what will you do?

In those final moments when I've been totally abandoned by my best buddy, I'll

probably sing something.

From Frozen.

Yeah, probably something from Frozen.

Joseph.

I'm really not sure about that whole coin toss thing.

But I've got to go.

What are you doing?

I'm staying.

You're staying?

What about the shoe? I popped it.

You popped it? Yeah, I popped it.

You know, you really should have checked with me first. Yeah, I know. Sorry.

Okay.

What do you think, too far-fetched? Yeah, I just think you would have chosen

to think something from Moana.

Hooray, hooray, hooray, misery's on the way. There are bad times just around the

corner. There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky.

It's as clear as crystal from Bridlington to Bristol that we can't

save democracy and we don't. Much care. We'd better all learn the lyrics of the

old red flag and wait until we drop down dead.