All language subtitles for Intelligence s02ex1 A Special Agent 2023.eng

Joseph? Jerry?

Why are you tied on to me? Oh, my God, I
was about to ask you the same thing.

What?

Hang on. I think I have a lighter in my
pocket. Can you reach it?

No, not a pocket. Not a pocket. Oh.

Okay, I got it. I got it. I got it.
Okay, you're going to have to burn

through the ropes.

Have you ever used a lighter before?
Yeah, toy.

One from base, one from center. Okay,
cool. So the key thing is to avoid

setting fire to my ribs. Yeah, or
myself.

Yeah, but my wrists really need to take
priority. I use them all the time,

especially the right.

Okay, here we go. Ready? Yeah.

Fucking tits! In a good way or a bad
way.

You whore!

What the... I know what you're thinking.
This is the best TV show I've ever seen.

And who's that hunk?

But I need to back it up a bit.

My name is Special Agent Jerry
Bernstein, better known to my enemies

and ex-wife as Jerry the Beast.

Can you grab my luggage, or do I need to
do that too?

I landed at GCHQ and was greeted by a
sun-kissed man-child who went on to

become my best buddy.

Do you mind me asking, do you have
dwarfism in your family?

And when I say my best buddy, I mean my
assistant. I think we should start with

you. No.

Yeah. No. Yeah. No. Yes! I was asked to
come to the United Kingdom of Cheltenham

to kick some major ass in your lame
national security setup. This is first

-rate intel. My guy is the best.

This is just taken from Wikipedia.

Right, you have that here?

It's been a blast.

But what's the next chapter?

Well, buckle up, baby, because the beast
is back.

Anyway, in other news, I finally decided
to publish my memoirs. Why?

Thank you. Yeah, I can't say too much
about it, but I sold the rights for an

undisclosed sum. Oh, wow. How much?

That's just it. They wouldn't say.

And is GCHQ comfortable with all that?
Who cares?

My story needs to be told.

So it's a children's book? No, the sex
is pretty graphic. So what's it going to

be about? Well, it's called Beast, and
it's a collection of anecdotes about my

time here. So some poems, the odd
anatomical drawing.

Do you want to hear a little?

No.

8 a.m., jungle time.

It's been seven months since I was last
kidnapped.

I haven't been to the toilet. My only
friend is a large egg-eating snake.

And my dick is on fire!

Sorry, so is this a poem?

Yeah.

Yeah, that part is.

And this covers your time at the NSA as
well?

Yeah, so far it covers everything up to
the point I was kidnapped.

Well, even though that was just a prank.

You ordered pizza?

Surprise!

What the fuck?

Yeah.

This is nice, by the way. Oh, thank you.

Mum left it to me in her will. I thought
she hated you.

No. I think that's just part of her
personality.

Evelyn, I've been meaning to ask, who's
the father?

Oh, I can't remember their names. Yeah,
baby.

No, I'm just a surrogate.

Okay. Right. Can we make a start?

Tuba, I'm still concerned about last
week's safety breach.

I don't understand. How did they manage
to bypass GCHP's firewall?

Yes, quite.

It's completely unprecedented and really
rather worrying.

Well, I've actually been road testing a
new bit of code that simulates what

would happen in the event of a real-life
cyber attack here at GCHQ.

If only you'd got to run it last week.

Well, it was that that reminded me. What
were the results?

So far, it's not worked.

Right. So it hasn't worked as in it was
successful?

I'll be completely honest, it's actually
very difficult to tell, not least

because I haven't been able to navigate
away from the Wagamama website.

What's the result of the test?

Again, very difficult to tell. I should
know more in about... ..a year.

Perfect. Well, the response from
upstairs has been that we shouldn't

worry our pretty little heads about it.
Do they happen to say which of us is

prettiest? Mary. Mary? Mary, what's the
latest on the G7 climate summit?

Oh, the few race alerts, the usual bits
of chatter on the key activism sites,

plus someone flew themselves to Simon
Cowell. Fine. Evelyn.

I mean, no, not that I'm aware of.

No, do you have anything to add?

There was something I had space to tell
you, but I can't remember what it was.

Fantastic.

Oh, yeah, Rupert said he might come in.

Sorry for the interruption. Just want to
make you aware that there's a nuclear

missile coming straight for us. No!

No! Everyone, on top of me! Come on! Get
out here! It's a metaphor.

Yeah, I know. So is that.

Okay.

Joseph, write that down, okay? That's
going right into Beast.

Metaphors.

Okay. As you're all aware, there's a G7
summit this week, and our very own

Energy Minister...

Joanna Telfer Fotheringham plans to
announce her climate bill there. But we

have a problem.

She lost it? It's a little bit more
serious than that, I'm afraid. She's

eaten it. I've just taken a call from a
journalist from The Guardian who has

somehow got wind of the data breach here
at GTHQ.

But I've already raised the breach with
Whitehall.

And told them to go public. Not least,
because the stolen satellite data proves

beyond doubt that the Minister's new
bill has catastrophic implications for

the planet. Well, without that data, she
kind of has the freedom to do what she

likes. Plus...

The PM feels that you might be a little
too close to the subject to be

impartial. Well, perhaps the PM needs
reminding that as head of this

department, I have managed to remain
impartial through three referenda, two

monarchs and nine prime ministers.

That can't be right.

But on this particular matter... It's
hardly in Whitehall's interest, is it,

to publish the real data, not with so
many party donors coming from big

energy. What if the stolen data
resurfaces?

That would just confirm to those like
Fotheringham who are keen to see GCHQ

privatised. That we are no longer the
bastion of digital security that we

claim to be.

Very clever, Joanna. It's a win-win.

Jesus Christ.

Did you just learn about my memoirs?
Chris, I didn't. It's fine.

Um... Yeah.

I'll take it from here.

I'll draft a statement.

Okay.

What I'm about to say doesn't leave
these four walls.

Hang on.

Sorry, I just get a little paranoid that
folks are listening in.

Always carry a spare.

Give me that!

Please, Jerry.

As many of you know, I have been at GCHQ
for the best part of 35 years.

Oh!

Sorry, that's just exactly how long I
have left on my mortgage, so I just...

And whilst I would happily continue
serving king and country ad infinitum,

certain members of this government have
decided that a more modern approach is

required to tackle the ever-increasing
threat to our nation's cyber security.

Are we finally getting an Xbox?

I'm being fired.

Oh, Chris.

I've got till the end of the week. Do
you want me to kill someone?

If only.

Does this mean you're going to be home
all the time? You can always move in

with Auntie Jo. So could you.

Chris, I just want you to know, on
behalf of everyone here at SISEC, and I

say this with absolutely no agenda
whatsoever, who are they eyeing up as

your replacement?

Nice try, Jerry, but mine isn't the only
position that's become untenable. This

is just the government's first step in
shutting down SISEC altogether and

replacing us with AI.

AI? Robots.

Robot! Robot!

No, no!

Even though I acknowledge that I would
be one of the first to go on paper, at

least, I do feel like a robot would
struggle to mimic exactly how many

things I get wrong on a daily basis.

It's actually very nuanced.

Well, then I'm sure you'll be fine.

Would you like me to type any of that
up? No. Oh, look!

Joanna!

You see, what we all need to remember
about these record temperatures...

is that they are nature's way of telling
us that we are doing a really great job.

Makes sense.

Yes, but of course you must always look
to the future. And that means investment

in technology all across the board. And
this government is committed to an

increasingly AI-driven approach, whether
that be the harnessing of nuclear

energy, right the way through to keeping
us safe from cyber attacks.

I mean, gone are the days of dowdy
little snowflakes in a pillbox trying to

do the right thing.

God, that is so harsh on you guys.

But there must be some jobs humans do.
So am I texting Joanna to say I'm moving

in or not?

Okay,

fine, yes. She's also my little sister.

Any questions?

Uh, yeah.

What's she doing Friday? Because, damn!

Funny. In our 20s, people used to say we
looked identical. The only way you could

tell us apart was that one of us didn't
like bananas.

Well, yeah, I can imagine that.

What do you mean?

Gradually, we drifted apart.

I chose loyalty to my country. She chose
to marry into the Fotheringham Telfer

estate and enter the gaudy glamour of
British politics.

Mum hates her because she gave Granny
shingles and once got me a Bacardi

breather for my birthday.

Oh, which flavour?

You were five!

Wait a minute. So this whole thing, the
data hack, the...

Trying to shut down the department is
all a vendetta against you?

And which of you doesn't like bananas?

No. It's just a cold-blooded grab for as
much money, attention, and power as she

can get.

Destroying me is just a fun little side
project.

Do we still have access?

The original carbon emission data. We
are talking about the biggest breach in

GCHQ's history. It'd likely take a
specialist team weeks. Got it. That is

so hard. Wow, so whoever stole the files
left a digital fingerprint.

Can it be traced?

Yes. The breach was initiated by Trojan
AI.

The major shareholder is... Joanna.

Joanna. Joanna. Okay, what if we blew
the whistle? Huh?

I've always wanted to blow the whistle.
Is it a real whistle? Because I imagine

it's like gold with a leather chain.
What? And break the official secret

pact? No, thanks.

Joanna knows damn well I would never
betray the government, even one as

crooked as hers.

I actually saw a film where someone at
GCHQ did that. What happened? Well, one

of them got the head chopped off, but
the other got to meet Colin Firth. What

if we took the original data directly to
the summit and switched it in somehow?

Out of the question. Wait a minute, wait
a minute.

What if we took the original data
directly to the summit and switched it

in somehow?

What? The G7 summit isn't a place you
can just walk into without proper

clearance. Yeah, but what if we were two
of the attending scientists?

Are you really expecting me to sanction
an operation whereby you and him pose as

internationally recognized climate
scientists in order to bring down his

majesty's government, save GCHQ and the
planet and the reputation of this

department?

Sorry,

I can't tell if you're joking or not.
Come on, Chrissie. Are you really going

to let your sister leave your legacy in
tatters?

Look. We can do this.

We are a formidable, diverse, and deeply
talented team.

Look, I know we've had our disagreements
in the past, and I can't honestly say

how many times I wanted to trip you as
you walked by or stop the revolving door

right before you exit, but if we can get
the real data in front of these nerds,

there's a chance here we can literally
save the world.

So what do you say?

Fuck it. What have we got to lose?

Fuck yeah!

USA! USA!

By God, Jerry, if this plane goes down,
you're coming with me. You have my word.

Don't write that down.

I can't believe I'm finally getting
promoted.

I know.

What do you mean? Well, when the board
sees how amazing I am out in the field,

they'll beg me to take over for Chris.
Plus, all this is great material for

Beast. So, do I pop up in Beast at all?
Are you kidding me? You're right there

on the first page.

Note to self, mention Joseph somewhere
in Beast.

So, I know this isn't probably the best
timing, but I just wanted to let you

know first, I'm thinking of proposing to
Charlotte.

Well, I just wanted you to know from
experience that long-distance

relationships rarely work out.

Oh, well, I'd move to Cornwall.

No, I was talking about us.

So I guess one way or another, this
could be our last mission together.

Yeah. It's a shame, because when I take
over, I have huge plans for this place,

starting with the rooftop pool. I can
always live it, especially if it's a

wave machine.

Listen.

You know, you should only propose if
you're absolutely certain you're going

to get a yes. You think I should find
out first?

100%. By asking her? Yeah, ask her
twice.

Worst case scenario, you get two no's,
but at least you'll know for sure. Oh,

God, maybe you could ask her. To marry
me? No, she'll say yes. No, I just meant

on my behalf.

I still worry that might confuse her
from an emotional point of view.

Especially if I ask her twice.

So, this is the electromagnetic pulse
device, which you'll use to bypass

security at the G7.

Never dial it up to anything more than
eight.

And try not to point it at your grind.
Oh, why not?

Jesus.

Jesus, did someone die in here?

Yes.

Okay, look, we don't have much time, but
Mary said you might be able to help with

some disguises.

Yes. So, what look are you going for?

Well, we just need to pass these two.

And which way round were you thinking?

Okay, so I think the key change here is
hair.

Okay, plus is it possible to do
something about Joseph's nose?

What do you mean? Well, I'm just worried
about its bulk giving us away.

Like in Pinocchio?

Kind of.

Let me see what I've got.

No, that's, that's, no.

That's wrong.

Don't worry about the style for now. I
just want to check the fit.

I don't see how this helps. I'm trying
to pass for this guy.

Maybe you could say you're wearing it
like that because it's a special

occasion. You know, what about his nose?

I don't think it'll fit.

The wig? You could always hang it off
the tip.

I think it's too big. The wig on my
nose. Okay, you know what? We'll figure

it out ourselves.

Okay? People change their hair all the
time, plus the G7 only meets once a

year. A lot can change in a year.
Exactly, which is why I thought... Okay,

we've got to get out of here. Okay. Oh,
great.

Okay, be honest.

What do you think?

It's Jerry and Joseph, by the way.

Jerry, Joseph. It'll have to do, Mary.

Oh, so, security clearance this year is
being handled by AXS.

It's an app-based system that mixes
encryption with QR technology.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down a sec. What
do you mean by app? Don't worry. Just

let security scan the code, and then we
will handle the restroom in here.

What about when the real plant is shot?

I'm tracking their car.

You'll have about 15 minutes before they
arrive.

It's all the time we have, so we need to
get in and out. Here are your comms.

But just make sure that the earpieces
are set to one of the lower channels.

Why? Because we're going to be
triggering an electromagnetic pulse.

Wait, what?

Is that safe? Yes, yes. Although, me and
Quentin just used one to start a fire.

It's fine.

It just sends out a small signal that
jams the feed.

Which then allows us to bypass security.

It once bypassed Mum's pacemaker.

Is that how she died?

No, she just ate too many acorns. Once
inside, Evelyn will be there. Posing as

a waitress, she's worked there before,
so she knows the layout. She will be

able to show you where the press are
being held. Once you're there, all you

need to do is locate the laptop, which
is feeding them the official updates.

It's likely to be small and black.

Maybe you should remember that. This USB
drive is coded to automatically upload.

and present the real data.

Just put it into any available USB port.

Okay, USB port. Yeah, just remember
United States and B for boobs.

And with any luck, once everyone sees
the real data, the science community and

the great British press will look after
the rest.

What are you going to do if a real
scientist comes up to you and asks you a

question? Answer it. I'm just going to
say lockdown is going to be completely

mad. All right, let's do this. Okay.
Come on, get in here. Come on, get in

there.

One, two.

Do I come to thee?

No, you go on top. Okay, let's go.

So the trick is to get the oil piping
hot first. Yeah, I know you said, and

then you add the batter. Exactly.

Then you add the batter. Otherwise, they
just won't rise.

Sorry, sir, can I see your QR codes?

Oh, there you go.

Then I scan it.

All right, here we go.

There it is, right there.

Do it again.

Do it again. Do you mind?

No. No.

Is there a problem?

Excuse me, sir. Would you mind? Yes,
there is a problem. Your QR code isn't

being recognised.

Do either of you chaps have ID?

ID of ourself?

No, ID of Ian. Who do you think? Who's
Ian?

I'm Ian. Who's Chris? Chris Debs. Master
Chef Quarter Finalist 2013.

Dude, congrats. Thank you very much.
Really?

Ask them to scan it again.

Ask them to scan it again.

Sorry. I didn't mean to say that out
loud. I was just talking to Gerry.

Miguel. Miguel.

I just have these sort of mini strokes
going on.

I don't know why it's not working.

Try increasing the signal strength.

Lower the frequency in your earpiece.
Lower the frequency?

Excuse me, sir, are you all right? Yeah,
I just said how.

Why? No, how.

Has that worked?

To a degree, yes.

Okay, now it's saying that your code's
actually already been scanned.

Well, yeah, because it has just now.
Master chef.

So have you been to one of these before?

The G7 summit.

Yeah, we've been to them all.

Yeah, I mean, the G1 was nuts, wasn't
it? We're the only ones there. Please be

quiet. Yeah.

So sorry this is happening.

Please, please try.

Okay, sir. Well, you are good to go.
Yep. Let's go.

Yep. Okay, we're

in. Is Evelyn already inside?

No, I think I might be in labor.

What? Jesus.

Well, you're going to have to hold that
in, okay?

Joseph. Joseph!

Chris, we're going to have to buy some
time here. Well, whatever you do, don't

speak to anyone.

Hello, Dr.

Tom Herbert.

Hello. Hi,

Dr. Charm.

Hi.

We've not met, but I'm a big fan of your
work.

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

It's great to see you looking so well. I
heard that you had a tracheotomy.

No, no, no. I don't think so. Where did
you hear that?

Didn't you make a documentary about it?

Yes. Yes, that one.

Yes. Well, there are good days and bad
days. You know how it is. Right.

Robot.

No, this was a while ago. I've grown my
hair out since then. No, this was back

in Oklahoma in 95.

Right. The bombing. No, the musical.

Congratulations as well.

Oh, Christ. What now?

Yeah. Anna said that you just got
married.

Oh, yes.

Oh, sublime.

She works in climate science as well,
yeah?

Who, Anna?

No, your wife.

Oh. Yeah, I wonder if we've ever crossed
paths or... No, no, because she passed

away.

Stop speaking!

I'm so sorry. When you said you were
married, I assumed that... Oh, well,

when we were married, she was still
alive.

Miguel Stallone and Herbert Chom are
about to arrive.

You need to wrap this up.

By the way, your paper on hypothetic
readjustments and how it affects climate

change models is really interesting.
Thank you, I agree. Yeah, it's one of my

all-time favourites. Which model did he
use?

Oh, she was just this hottie I met in
Vegas.

Got to get going.

So great to see you again. We've never
met. No, that's what I thought. Thank

you.

Joanne, five minutes away.

Evelyn, what's the latest?

Oh, false alarm. I think it was just
Braxton Hicks.

I know him.

Do you mind me asking how she died?

Who? Your wife.

Oh, yeah. No. Oh, God, no. No, that's
fine.

Oh, crikey. I can never remember the
name of the condition. You can't

remember how she died?

It was a crocodile.

Yeah, that's it. She got snapped up by a
crocodile.

Yeah, it was pretty quick. I take a lot
of comfort in that.

Okay, we've got to go.

Can I have a drink, please?

I'm pregnant.

Sorry. Oh, God.

Joanna is about to arrive. Hurry up!

Okay, let's finish this. Do you have the
USB?

No.

What? I just didn't want anyone to find
it in case I got strip-searched. What do

you mean? I might need to pop to the
toilet first.

What? Jesus Christ. Evelyn!

What now?

Joseph swallowed the data stick.

On purpose?

Mother of God!

Come on, Joseph. Push.

Imagine you're Evelyn.

Well, I'm having a caesarean, so...
Fine. I'm trying as hard as I can. It's

just nothing's coming out. Remember
what's at stake here. I know the future

of the planet.

Mum's job.

Exactly. My promotion.

I don't think I need anything more to
eat. What?

Here, give me that.

Okay, I got chips.

What flavor?

Pickled onion.

No, they give me the rum.

No, no, that's perfect.

Here, just cut them in your mouth.

Oh, my God. No.

35 years of continuous service, and it
all culminates in me waiting for a man

to shit out a USB stick.

Thank you.

Just to let you know, Joe Abbott gets
you out of the car.

UK Energy. Minister Joanna Telfer
Fotheringham has just arrived at the G7,

where she is due to deliver a landmark
address revealing groundbreaking new

climate research.

We are running out of time.

I swear to God, Joseph, if you don't
hurry up, I'm going to come in there and

shit it out myself.

It's too late. If the real data isn't
released to the press before the end of

her speech, we may as well not have
bothered.

Joanna has entered the building.

Tuva, Mary, initiate Operation Scotch
Egg.

You got it? Yes.

It's fine, I wiped it. Oh, God, sorry
for the delay. I should check and I got

everything. There's a couple of big
marbles in there as well.

Let's go.

Yeah.

Oh, be cool.

Hi.

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me, sir.

Chris, you've got to get us out of here.

Behind you.

Oi! Listen, we need to check your IDs
again.

Joseph, I've got the memory stick.

Yeah, but don't lick it.

No, no, no, hide it, hide it. No, no,
hide it.

What are you doing? Get it, get it, get
it.

Okay, okay, this, come here, come here!

This right here is a hostage situation.

I've got a pregnant waitress, a goblin,
and three understudies from the musical

Annie, all on crack.

Everyone do what I say!

Thank you, Jerry, that won't be
necessary.

So no?

No. Okay, fine.

Chris Clark.

Head of FISEC at GCHQ.

Though not for long, I hear.

Oh, come on, sis. Why the long face?

Did someone shrink your forever friend
nightie? At least I wore a nightie. Yes,

I was surprised you noticed. All the
math books shoved up your arse. Well, if

it meant I could tell the time. No one
needs to tell the time anymore.

The world's moved on. Joanna, how lovely
it is to see you again. I don't believe

we've spoken since... Mummy's funeral.

Yes, of course. How could I forget? I
did the catering. You did a photo shoot.

Well, it's what Mummy would have wanted.
Of course. You were always her

favourite. Yes.

It's a shame she isn't around now to see
me launch this climate bill be right up

her street. In 50 years, her street and
half of Cheltenham will be underwater as

well, you know. Always with the sea
level rise. Change the record, Chrissie.

Which I see is exactly what you are
attempting to do. Snap.

Oh, boo-fucking-hoo.

Have an arches and lemonade.

Come on, lighten up.

I like that. I mean, if you can't cope
with sea level rise, go live on a yacht.

God knows I do.

Okay, you know, enough of this.

Which of you two doesn't like bananas?

Which do you think?

Now, much as I'd like to hang around,
some of us have got a bright and

sparkling future to attend to.

Kindly see these retrograde geeks off
the premises.

We'll do Christmas this year, by the
way.

Oh, you then. I got your text. You can
come and stay any time.

No, thanks.

No, she doesn't have Sky.

Right, come on. You heard the lady.

You of all people know how to play by
the rules. I'm sorry to inform you that

I ain't no lady. She's not.

And I've given up on playing by the
rules.

Here's where my training kicks in.
Beast, Chapter 7, Monkey See, Monkey Do.

Tiger Claw!

still standing there. Please welcome to
the podium Joanna Telfer.

Don't worry, it's not Covid.

Anyone here actually die of Covid?

No. I didn't think so.

Well, obviously that is a joke.

As you can bet, your life will end up as
a headline in The Guardian.

Right, now.

Where are we? Here we go, the future of
the planet.

Do you know what the temperature on
Venus is right now?

475 degrees centigrade.

That is almost as hot as me.

One for the summer.

Mary!

Excuse me, what are you doing?

Bollocks. Well, you've got Venus looking
down on Earth and thinking, what are

they complaining about?

Tough crowd, isn't it?

Did I do good?

You did great.

Yes.

Okay, get up.

Oops.

And here we are on this sexy little
planet moaning because it's got

a little barmy.

Well, thankfully, I've got some very
good news for you all.

Everything is going to be fine.

Take it away.

Get a load of those stats.

Told you it was going to be okay.

You can take Doomsday out of your diary.

Want some more fruit?

Next slide, please.

Always carry a spare.

What's going on? Who's doing that?

Oh. Well, uh, uh, hang on.

Is Greta in? I thought she'd gone to see
Father Christmas.

Next slide.

But that's just... Those are expenses.

Legitimate expenses.

Oh, no, no. That is fake news.

They would never sack me. Fake news?

No.

This is bad.

You're just not even... You shot a lion.

Yes, all right, I shot a lion.

You know why? Because it was showing
off.

Let me tell you something. I swear to
God,

I am taking all of you with me. Oh, yes.

Someone is going to pay for this.
Because, you know, I have contacts.

I know Lizzo. I know what this is. Do
you know I know what this is? This is a

left-wing conspiracy.

Do you know there's so many snowflakes
in this room?

I haven't seen this much coverage since
I dated a nun.

You dated a nun?

Yeah, it's all covered in the pop-up
section of Beast.

Oh, that's nearly finished, by the way.
It has to get very big. Oh, good.

So, what are we going to do to
celebrate?

Oh, I was thinking paintball.

At my local crematorium. Yeah, there's
tons of little nooks and crannies to

hide, plus the heating's completely
free.

Have you thought of any baby names?

I really don't care.

Yeah, no, you couldn't come anyway.

So, Evelyn, what's the surrogacy
planned?

What do you mean? I'm just doing it for
the maternity leave.

So do you still get maternity leave,
even though you're the surrogate? No, of

course not.

Oh, my God, are you kidding me?

Fuck's sake!

Well, Chris, looks like I finally rubbed
off on you. Yes, quite.

In the end, I do believe you did. And
was Rupert impressed?

Not just Rupert. It seems the whole
board were quite taken aback by

Scythek's more maverick approach.

Well, what can I say?

I accept.

So much so, they've asked me to stay on
indefinitely. Listen, guys, I've re...

What the fuck?

What? And you said yes?

Of course I said yes.

Do you... make me to stand back and
watch this department get taken over by

AI? AI?

Robot. Robot?

Robot. No, no, not again.

So what, everyone has to stay here and
do their old job?

Not quite everyone. There was one
casualty, I'm afraid.

Joseph. Oh.

Good job I signed off on your transfer
request in time.

Oh, the...

Oh, yeah, sorry, just to let you know, I
don't know if this will be good news or

bad news, but I've decided to join the
sex trafficking team at GCHQ Bud.

Well, it's certainly good news for the
traffickers.

Thank you.

You know what we... Hi.

You know what we have is actually very
rare. Well, I know we used to be

married. Yes, but forgetting that.

Yeah. Okay, what I mean is... What?

Imagine someone plucked you from your
hometown, right, and dumped you in this

wasteland. Like an ET.

Exactly. Exactly. When I got here, I was
like an ET.

I'm millions of miles away from home.

And then I find this lost little boy
looking for a friend. Which is me.

Right. And what happens at the end, huh,
buddy?

Does the alien cry like a little pussy
when he and the boy finally part? No, I

remember, no.

No, the little boy cries because he
realizes deep down that the alien is

better off alone in the cold, black void
of space.

Correct.

And what if the lost little boy asked
the alien to come and join the sex

trafficking team with him at Buda?

I suspect he'd be touched, but would
never take the pay cut.

Well, she said yes, by the way.

Twice.

Well, there you go.

I'm happy for you, buddy. Thank you.

Now your only concern is surviving your
stag do.

Oh, God, I dread to think what you have
planned.

Little did we know Joanna had other
plans for us.

which brings us back to where we
started.

Do you think the sewage helped them? I
don't know. How much of it is desert?

Why did everyone else? Who would do this
to us?

Oh, you.

No, no, no, no. This is not good.

Bitch! Do you think it's the same
Joanna?

What is that, low fuel?

Shit!

Shit, okay.

Okay, there's got to be a parachute
somewhere on this thing. What does it

look like? It's kind of like a backpack,
but with, like, toggles on the side,

okay?

Any luck?

No, there's just stuff in all of these.

No, no, no, wait, stop, stop!

What? What are you doing?

It's fine, look.

They don't have a pulse.

Is that the only one left?

No, I couldn't possibly... No, no, you
take it. Ready? No, wait a minute.

Let's just... Yeah, let's think
logically about this, right? Let's not

be blinded by emotion.

So if I die and you survive, what's the
benefit of that? As opposed to, say, you

dying and me surviving.

Oh, God. Well, at least I get to marry
Charlotte.

True. But I think you're going to want
me to be there for that, right? And

plus, who's going to do your hair?
That's true.

I guess I'm a little bit younger.

But it's not as if you're so young that
you've got, like, your whole life ahead

of you. You know what I mean? Especially
if you die on this flight.

We should toss a coin.

Sorry.

Yeah, that's what I... No, we should
toss a coin.

That's the only way.

Okay. Okay, so... So what are we saying
here?

Heads, I get to shoot? Yeah, I'm best of
three.

Okay, here we go. You ready? Yeah.

Come on!

Woo! Sorry,

yeah, that was heads.

Oh. Sorry about... Yeah.

Okay. Round two. Here we go.

Come on. You got this.

Shit. I hate this fucking shit.

That's again.

What? No.

Okay. Here's the deciding vote. Okay?

You good? Yeah, I'm good. I'm good.
Okay.

Wait. I wasn't ready.

You good?

Yeah, I'm good. What?

Right.

Take it.

Well, maybe you should keep it for good
luck. The chute? No, the coin.

I mean, do you want me to knock you out
before I go? You said to take

the edge off.

We're running out of time, okay? If
you're going to jump, you've got to do

it now.

But what will you do?

In those final moments when I've been
totally abandoned by my best buddy, I'll

probably sing something.

From Frozen.

Yeah, probably something from Frozen.

Joseph.

I'm really not sure about that whole
coin toss thing.

But I've got to go.

What are you doing?

I'm staying.

You're staying?

What about the shoe? I popped it.

You popped it? Yeah, I popped it.

You know, you really should have checked
with me first. Yeah, I know. Sorry.

Okay.

What do you think, too far-fetched?
Yeah, I just think you would have chosen

to think something from Moana.

Hooray, hooray, hooray, misery's on the
way. There are bad times just around the

corner. There are dark clouds hurtling
through the sky.

It's as clear as crystal from
Bridlington to Bristol that we can't

save democracy and we don't. Much care.
We'd better all learn the lyrics of the

old red flag and wait until we drop down
dead.

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