All language subtitles for Beer League 2006-subrip

And
so Devanzo stands

in, six foot first baseman
out of Port Tucket.

Fine form on this fella.

Shot down the line.

That's a frozen rope, base
hit in anybody's league.

And here's Captain Jeter
steps up to the plate

to his usual hip hop music.

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

And look at the triceps
on this youngster.

Someone was busy in the Nautilus
room during the off season.

He'll give the fans a treat
and do a little flexing.

That's right.

There's a couple actresses in
the front row that are going

out of their minds right about.

Get out!

And sometimes he'll get in there
and just give the fans a treat

and show them, ah,
some of the-- some

of the finer points of hitting.

Fuck.

Absolute perfect
10 on this fella.

Quite a specimen.

.385 hitter, 23 ding dongs.

He's driven in 162 runs.

He's 30 seconds away from the
body of a young Willie Mays,

and that's a single
up the middle!

Looked more like a double
play to me, you fat fuck.

What the fuck
did you just say?

I said softball's
for girls and faggots,

and girl faggots like you.

You little piece of shit!

Mom!

The fat fuck next door
is chasing me again!

Anybody
see my softball hat?

Michael.

Yeah.

Did you look at
these cakes yet?

Uh, yeah, yeah.

I-- I like that one.

Hey, Marie!
Marie!

Get the hat.

Gina, get the hat.
- You didn't even look?

Marie, it's not funny!

OK, you know what?

I'm not being a bitch here.

You're missing Marie's
recital tonight,

and I said we could wait for
after the softball season

to go on our honeymoon.

I even let you pick your scumbag
friend Artie as best man.

Sweetheart, listen.

I-- it's the first
game of the season.

I just don't want to
be late, all right?

I'm with you on the cakes.

I'll look at them later.

You know, and I was
going to surprise you

by making your little
plastic man on the cake

a Derek Jeter action figure.

But now, no.

I'm making you one of
those Puerto Ricans

from the fucking Mets.

Don't even joke
like that, Gina!

I'm coming back
tomorrow for tanning.

You better.

Hey.

Mark Vicki Galliotta down
as paid for this month.

And another dumb
slut gets herpes.

Hey!

I don't want any of
you Italians drinking

out of my water bottle.

Damn waps.

Come on, Maz.

Let's warm up already.

Don't mess with
my pre-game ritual.

Putting on mascara is
not a pre-game ritual.

Let's go.
- Stop busting my chops!

I'm coming.
- Hey, guys.

Hey.

What's up, brother?

Check it out.

My new Italiano mitt.

That's cool, Alfonse.

How much of a Guido
can you possibly be?

Fuck you, Johnny.

I'll see you out there.

So starting early
this year, huh?

Ready for the big day,
opening day, big game.

Maz, we stink every year.

This is not a big game.

Yes, it is.

- It's not a big game.
- Yes, it is.

I blew off my daughter's
ballet recital for this.

I've seen your daughter dance.
She sucks.

- No, she doesn't.
- Yes, she does.

Yeah, well, which one?
Ballet or tap?

It all sucks.

What's up, boys?

What's up, Mangenelli.

So Maz, how's
the wedding coming?

You nervous?
- Doing OK.

Gina's freaking out
a little, but, uh--

My cousin's a good kid, but
she can be a real ball breaker.

What are you going to do?

Oh!

All right.

Listen up.

Anybody who doesn't do
a pre-game shot with me

right now is a fucking pussy.

Jerk off.

Hey, did this jerk off
just call me a jerk off?

Come on.

Let's not ruin another game
with a big fight, all right?

Dave.

Arto.

Fellas.

Dad, I'm thirsty.

Can I have some?

No.

Go steal that little kid's soda.

Bro.

Look at yourself.

You're an unemployed drunk.

You play softball in corduroys.

And you still live
with your mother.

You shave your body hair,
wear Speedos down the shore,

and root for the Dallas Cowboys.

Hey, that's America's
team, asshole.

Not in Jersey, asshole.

We grew up 15 minutes
from Giants Stadium.

You're a fucking Cowboys fan?

You're just jealous.

My softball team won this
league four years in a row,

going on five.

Ah, ah.

This year, you are not
getting that trophy.

Oh, no?

Who's going to stop me, you?

In high school, I was
the best baseball player.

You were second best.

I was the best football player.

You were second best.

And bro, the chicks I got
were way out of your league.

I did fine.

You fucked skanks.

Skanks, huh?

You're looking at the first
guy to bang Jen Martucci.

Whoa.
Definitely not a skank.

I'm sorry.

Lisa Riccio.

Monica Nelson.

Danielle Bataglia.

Marisa Sal Vento.

Karen Deaver.

Tina Gardner.

Karen Deaver.

Pinkie Calibra-- you
just said Karen Deaver.

Well, we did it
more than once.

OK, I guess we're
done here, bro,

because you're out of names
and I got like 50 more.

I'll see you on
the field, loser.

Yeah.
Go ahead.

Run away, jerk oft.

Run away.

Let's bring 'em in.

Now coming to
bat is Artie Devanzo.

Last season was a fine one
for Devanzo, we all know that.

Come on, Artie.

He batted
.420 with 45 RBIs.

Batter up.

He enters today's
game with a blood

alcohol content of 0.16.

For you kids scoring at home,
that is an impressive twice

the legal limit.

Let's get it going now.

The Devanzo shift.

What do
you say, Art, huh?

Let's go.
Let's get something going.

Let's go, Arto!
Let's go!

What's this shit, Mangenelli?

It's my new
defensive strategy.

Whole right side's
open for you, Artie.

Go for it, bro.

All right.

Go the other way with it, Artie.

Trying to pull it
will be stupid.

Come on.

Shit.

So of course he pulls it.

Hey, shift works
good, Mangenelli.

Run, Artie.
Run!

Artie, run!

Run, man.

Throw to first.

Come on, Artie!

Out!

Out!

Yeah.

Nice hustle, Artie.

You're a fat fucking disgrace.

Never one of
them lived past 40.

Come on, Dirt.
Start oft, kid.

- Come on now.
- All right, Dirt.

Come on, dirt.
Lay it in there, baby.

Come on, Dirt.

What do you say, Dirt?

You character?

Shit.

Jesus Christ.

You disappoint me as much as
my kids, for Christ's sake.

OK, here we go.

Here we go.

Coming home.

Come on, get it in!

Get it in!

Hit the cutoff, bro!

Yeah, baby.

Yeah!

Cut off man.

Cut off man.

Learn to love him.

You are killing us.

What the
hell you doing?

Go to second.

I'm having a smoke.

What's up your ass?

Got it.

Cocky prick.

He's tagging!

- Good job.
- You're out.

Good job.

Fuck.

No pitch.

Hey, Tim.

I want to let you
know, I've done

a lot of thinking about
that talk we had last year.

I don't even know
if you remember.

Batter up.

I remember, when I
overheard you telling

that joke at the bar, right?

Exactly.

You know, if we
weren't good friends,

I would have handled that
quite differently, right?

Hey, look.

Just so you know, I don't
even use the N word anymore.

Like just now instead of
saying the actual word,

I just say the N word.

Oh.

I appreciate that, Artie.

That's a good start.

Good for you, man.

That's OK, Dave.
Keep swinging.

As
a matter of fact,

listen to how I
tell this joke now.

A priest, a rabbi, and an
N-word walk into a bar--

All right, hold
up, hold up, hold up.

Strike three.

You're out!

That was-- that's three.

Come on.

Let's get this guy.

Let's get this guy.
He's nothing.

He's a loser.

He's an asshole, a cocksucker.

He's a total piece of shit.

You shut up, fatso.

Hey, watch the name-calling.

Pop-up!

You got it!

- Jesus Christ.
- Shit!

I'm not angry.

Just give me the ball.

You son of a bitch.
- Come on, guys.

Let's go, huh?

We look like shit.

Come on.

Let's get a batter.

Hey, Devanzo.

If you're going to ask if
you can suck my left nut,

the answer is maybe.

Do you ever think
that if I didn't exist,

your life wouldn't suck so bad?

We grew up the same age in the
same town at the same school.

If I wasn't around, maybe you
could have had what I have.

Wait, I forgot.

If I didn't exist,
you would still

be a total fucking.

Come on!

Get it into second!

Come on!

Force at second!

Out.

He tripped him, ump!

He tripped him!

I didn't see it.

Nice way to be!
One down--

Cock sucker.

Way to be!

- This guy's such a pussy.
- Yeah?

Well I'm out of your face, OK?
- Yeah.

Let's go.
Who's ready for round two?

Who wants to dance
with me again?

Who's feeling lucky?

You feeling lucky?

You feeling lucky, huh?

You're lucky the
cops showed up, OK?

I'm-- I'm ready.
I'm not tired.

Who's feeling lucky?

Don't eyeball me, tough guy.

When I was in the joint, I
fucked guys bigger than you.

What the
hell are we waiting for?

Hey, did Dirt just say
he used to fuck guys?

Never mind that.

We're waiting to find
out how much trouble

- you got us into this time.
- Me?

He started it.

All right.

Listen up.

First things first.

Devanzo.
- Yeah?

You're an asshole.

Now as
far as the fighting

goes between yous
two guys' teams,

this bullshit will not continue.

It happens every year, and it's
the first game of the season,

for Christ's sakes.

So next year one you guys
teams is going to have

to play in a different league.

What?

Wow.

I wonder who you're going
to decide has to leave.

I'm not
going to decide, jerk off.

Dennis Mangenelli
suggested you jerk

offs decide it on the field.

Whichever team does better
stays in the league.

The other team is
gone next year.

That sucks.

We are so fucked.

I think we can do it.

All we got to do is practice.

Practice is for fags.

Hey, are we done here?

Because I'm losing my buzz.

In two fucking seconds,
I'm going to taser you.

Anybody here who's not an
asshole have a question?

I do.

How come I'm only
one who's locked up?

Be right with you.

Hey, Linda.

Hey, Artie.

Hey, let me buy you a drink.

No, I can't.

I got to meet my
friends over at Ducky's.

Oh.

What happened to you?

Oh, this.

Uh, I saw three guys mugging
an old lady, so I got involved.

Really?

Yeah.

She was a tough old broad, but
in the end we got her purse.

Bye bye.

Goodnight, Ed.

Hey, Ed.

Get some beers here.

Whiskey.

Come on.

Jesus.

You look like you had the
shit kicked out of you.

Yeah?

Well, imagine how
the other guy looks.

I imagine a guy
completely unharmed with badly

bruised knuckles.

Don't you have livers to ruin?

Totally fucked us, man.

Listen, now that the games
mean something, we'll be great.

This is just going to
help us to play better.

Hey, Maz.

You think you could use
the fight as a reason

to dis-invite Mangenelli
from your wedding?

He's Gina's cousin.

He's going to be there.

And you're my best man, so
you're going to be there.

And I'll have no bullshit from
either of you, I fucking swear.

Hey, I'm not one
to start trouble.

Oh, my god, you
fat fucking lair.

That's an insane thing to say.

Hello?

Hey, hey, Gina.

Tell her you're still single
for six weeks and hang up.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I've been
thinking quite a bit

about the, uh, the-- the cakes.

Yeah.

Man.

Is he whipped.

All right.

Not that Maz is gone,
we can talk a little bit

about his bachelor party.

Now, I've lined up five
primo whores for the event.

One of them is called
the Pitching Machine.

Now, you never in a million
fucking years ever going

to guess why she's called that.

Go ahead.

Guess.

She shoots ping pong
balls out of her snatch?

The name gives it away.

Guys, let me
ask you a question?

Why do so many diners have
a happy waitress special?

None of these waitresses
ever seem happy.

- It's true.
- Yeah.

They should call it a
bitchy broad with three

kids, no husband, and a shitty
apartment in Linden special.

Parts of Linden are nice.

Oh, hey, Rhonda.

I didn't mean anything by it.

- Oh, not the part I live in.
- Oh.

What do you guys want?

Let me get a bacon, egg,
and cheese on a hard roll

with a side order of fries,
cheese, and gravy, and a bowl

of gravy on the side.

I'll have the same
thing plus pancakes.

- Chocolate milk?
- You know it, honey.

Oh, make it two.

I'll have an egg
white omelet made

with very little oil, dry wheat
toast, and grapefruit juice.

Oh my god.

That's the gayest
order I ever heard.

You know, in
Massachusetts that order

could legally marry a dude.

Oh, here it comes.

You know, just placing
an order like that can

get you kicked out of the Army.

Now, if you put a construction
helmet on that order,

it could join the
Village People.

Would you guys knock it
off so I can do my job?

Thank you.

All right, Maz.

That's an egg white omelet, dry
wheat toast, grapefruit juice?

That's right.

You want a side order
of cock with that?

Oh!

We got it in fresh.

It's delicious.

People
from Linden, I tell you.

Trust me.

So what should we do now?

It's getting late.

Everyone with a
job should go home.

Goodnight, Maz.

Very funny, ball tugger.

Goodnight, Johnny.

Hey, I got an idea.

What?

- Manhattan.
- What?

No.
I can't do it.

Come on.

The bars in the city are
open for four more hours.

Holy shit, it's midnight?

I got to get home.
- That's right.

I forgot.

If you're home after midnight,
Gina locks up the pussy.

That's not completely true.

All right?
Now, shut up.

I'll give you a lift.

Holy shit.

I'm starving.

Isn't that that
chick from the bar?

Oh, yeah.

That's Linda Salvo.

And she looks wasted.

Hey, give me a quarter,
you fucking bitch.

- Here, whore.
- Fuck you.

I've seen her in
this diner twice

before when she was trashed,
and I banged her both times.

Hey, uh, I'm a little tapped.

You got a sawbuck on you?

I usually got to buy her
a Danish or something.

All I get is $4.

That'll do it.

I'll see you tomorrow.
- Yeah?

Good luck.

Don't need it.

Hey, Linda!

Hi.

What are you broads up to?

Artie.

Artie, wake up.

Hey, good morning, Linda.

Artie,
I got to tell you.

That was the worst
sex I have ever had.

You know, I'm catching
shit from everybody lately.

What was wrong with the sex?

You got all out of breath!

I mean, you're like
a chubby panda.

And then you finished
in 20 seconds

and fell asleep on top of me!

It was fucking horrible!

Jesus Christ, I am so pathetic.

I get drunk, and then I wake
up the next to God knows what.

My shrink says that I do
it because I think it's

the only way guys will like me.

Be honest with me, Artie.

The only reason you like
me is because I fuck you.

Not at all.

I mean, it's awesome.

Come on.

Hey, look.

I really like you.

What do you say?

You want to go out on like
a regular date or something?

What, are you serious?

Yeah.

We could go out, grab dinner.

And we don't have
to fuck or nothing.

That's very fucking
romantic, Artie.

Are you a fucking retard?

Well, you know what they say
about retards having huge cocks

and super human strength.

Well,
congratulations.

You're definitely not retarded.

Look, what I mean is
we could just hang out

and we don't even
have to have sex.

Yeah, right.

You're going to come to my
house in your nice date clothes

and pick me up with
like flowers and candy?

Flowers, maybe.

But every time I
buy a chick candy,

somehow it never makes it
all the way to their house.

Come on!

What do you say?

All right, Romeo.

It's a date.

Great.

And, uh, since I'm
guaranteed no sex

on the date, what do you say
you take one for the team

right now, huh?

Artie, I'm going
to be late for work.

Come on!

Oh, come on!

An extra 20 seconds
ain't going to matter.

Come on, baby.

All right.

But this time, you either
got to put a rubber

on or pull out before you come.

Good morning, Artie.

Ready for breakfast?

Uh, sure, Ma.

Hey, this is Linda.

Hello, Linda.

Would you like
some breakfast too?

Oh, no thanks.

I'm not hungry.

Can you hand me
my jacket, please?

Thank you.

Bye.

Goodbye, Linda.

Take care, Lin.

Hey, Ma.

I'm sorry if you
overheard any of that.

- Is that your new girlfriend?
- Why?

Do you like her?

I like any girl
that likes my Artie.

Ah.

Although clearly she's
been around the block,

so I would feel better
if you used protection.

Thanks for the advice, Ma.
Hey, Ma.

Could you make some
gabagool and eggs?

Safe!

Turn it.

Two, two.

Come on!

Safe.

Shithead!

Come on.

Not today, asshole.

Hey, come on!
Come on!

Score!
Come on, Art!

Come on!

Jesus, Art.

You're the tying run.

No, I'm not.

I'm standing on third.

That pile
of elephant shit.

- Pop up.
- Shit!

Pop up.

You're a retard.

That means your mother
must love blowing retards.

Hey, hey, hey.

It's a friendly league, man!

Whoa!

Fat piece of shit.

We're all-- we're
all friends here.

Maz, do something.

Play the game.

Get a sense of humor, pal.

I'm impressed, Artie.

This is a really nice place.

Yeah.

That Zagat dude
really knows his shit.

Baked girandole.

That's me.

And gnocchi.

That's me too.

Thanks, man.
- Enjoy.

Take care.

Thanks.

So where do you work?

Hm, at the A&P in Lyndhurst.

This is so odd.

What is?

I mean, we've already slept
together three times, right?

But I mean, we barely
know each other.

I know.

It's fucking hot, right?

- No, it's not.
- I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

You work down at
the port, right?

I was a longshoreman
for nine years,

and then I quit last year.

I haven't had a job in a while.

Why did you quit?

Mainly my dad.

Why did your dad
want you to quit?

Well, it wasn't
like that exactly.

You see, he, uh-- he died.

Oh.
Oh my god.

I'm so sorry.

Thanks.

I mean, uh, he had a
heart attack on the job.

He installed cable
TV for a living.

I had to watch him spend
every waking hour doing a job

that he hated.

I mean, the only
time he was happy

was when someone would tip
him an extra $20 to hook

up Cinemax illegally
or something.

You know, I can see
why you quit your job.

See, you didn't want to like
spend your life doing something

that you hated just
like your father.

You know what?

That sounds great,
but the truth is

I'm probably just a lazy prick.

Well, you know, I think
you're a cute lazy prick.

Thanks.

But I've been doing
all the yapping.

What about you?

You got any stories
about your father?

Yeah, I got one.

Once when I was five years
old, my dad went out to get ice

cream and he never came back.

You serious?

Mm-hm.

Wow.

I'm really sorry.

Eh, don't be.

Shit happens.

I can't imagine
the pain you must

have been in because of that.

But I think I got a way to
make you feel better right now.

Oh, yeah?

Waiter!

Order of ice cream for
this woman, pronto.

Oh, God.

You're a fucking idiot, Artie.

Wait.
Do you know what?

I'm going to have some too.

Waiter, three
orders of ice cream.

Come on!

What's up?

Come on, Artie.

Are you ever serious?

- No, and I'll tell you why.
- Why?

The only people who
get laid less than funny

fat guys are serious fat guys.

I feel sorry for those assholes.

Artie.

Artie, wait.

I thought we weren't
going to have sex tonight.

I know!

What are you trying
to pull here?

Come on, Artie.

Come on.

This is important to me.

Ah, that's cool.

Although for medical reasons,
I will need a hand job.

Artie!

Come on, I'll be quick.

It'll really help
me get to sleep.

I can't mess up this car.

It's a lease.
- Hey.

I have great aim.

Just let me know
where you want it.

Ashtray, floor mat, change cup.

All right.

Listen.

If you're really quick,
I'll give you a blow job.

But you've got to be quick.

You kidding me?

I hear you.

When blow jobs go on too
long, it's like you chicks

forget guys' dicks get tired.

Stop with the jokes.

I got to be up for work early
tomorrow, so concentrate, OK?

I'll be Hugh fucking Downs.

Who the fact is that?

He was the host
of Concentration.

Just blow me.

I made tiramisu.

You kids want some?

No, Mom!

Go back inside!

It's in the fridge,
you change your mind.

Back inside!

Just go.

Just--

I am so embarrassed right now.

You're embarrassed?

I just got cock
blocked by my mom.

Devanzo.

Landscaping is very
strenuous work.

Think you can handle it?

You're not in the best of shape.

I'll give it a shot,
but you better give

me the name of your dietitian.

Oh, oh, oh!

Devanzo.

Devanzo, wake up!

You got one house left.

Oh, cool.

All right.

Don't tell me it's this place.

Hoo.

Hey, Devanzo!

Hot enough for you?

I think you missed
a spot over there.

And another one over there.

Out!

Oh!

Fucking.

Dave, looking good up there.

Hey.
Hey, hey.

Don't try to kill it
up there, all right?

Just get a nice base
hit, we'll start a rally.

Come on, Maz.

A home run ties, and
I'm going for it.

Don't be stupid.

No one's hit one out of here
since Dave DeLafarre in '89.

Why don't you think
I can do it too?

Because he bench
pressed 400 pounds,

and you sweat when you eat.

So did Babe Ruth.

Devanzo Shift, guys.

Hey, Artie.

You guys find a new
league to play in yet?

Because one more out,
Chubs, we're 5 and 0.

You guys are 0 and 5.

Home run coming up.

That would be impressive
after you spent all that energy

mowing my lawn this afternoon.

I'm actually rooting for you.

Here it comes, Tubby.

And here it goes, prick.

Yes!

Damn.

5 And 0.

5 and 0, baby.

Yeah!

Devanzo, you shithead.

Why did you hit into
that double play?

Makes me wish I were

I know, so you
could kick my ass.

No, because I could
kick your ass right now.

But 35 years ago, I could
have loaned your parents

the money for an abortion.

I can't believe
you can joke around

like this when you're
about to get us kicked

out of the softball league.

Maybe I should take up bowling.

Hey, it'd be great to
play a sport where there's

always a bar three feet away.

So you can get even more drunk
than you do now for softball?

Will you two stop?

We're not out of it yet.

Maz, will you face facts?

We're out of it.

We're not playing
softball in this league,

and your daughter is
an atrocious dancer.

Fellas, we are not done.

We can still make the playoffs.

All right, look, I
admit that technically

we can still make the playoffs.

Now you admit that
your daughter's

dancing is a disgrace.

Fuck you, Johnny.

I'm going to kill you.

Go for it.

Maybe growing up
with a father in jail

will help her dance with
just a hint of passion.

My man.

Got it.

Man, that was a tough loss.

Yeah.

I hate losing to
those fucking guidos.

Oh!

Tim, will you watch
it with that word?

What, guidos?

Yeah.

Man, y'all call each
other that all the time.

Yeah, I know.
But it's OK when we say it.

When you say it, it's racist.

All right, Alfonse.

I respect that.

Hm.

Wait a minute.

I don't respect that.

Guidos aren't a race.

You're a bunch of wiggers
who dress like the Sopranos.

Thank you.

No, no.

I appreciate you setting
up the bachelor party,

it's just I know you.
All right?

No crazy shit.

Promise me?

Absolutely not.

Come on.

What, are you kidding me?

Eight in the corner.

Hey, Maz.

I've been meaning to
ask you a question.

Uh, I've been seeing this girl
Linda now for a little while,

and, I don't know, she's sort
of becoming my girlfriend,

and I'll tell you what.

I could see things
getting serious.

That's good for you, Art.

Yeah.

But, uh, I'm sort of
having this one problem.

Let me guess.

Trying to figure out how to
tell her about the herpes?

Oh, no, no.
She's got it too.

Congratulations.

You found your soul mate.

Thanks.

But the thing is
this, uh, she's what

most guys would, I don't know,
charitably call used goods.

Ah, not for nothing,
Art, but you're

what most girls would generally
call a stinking piece of shit.

No offense.

Oh, I was offended
there for a second

but then you said "no offense,"
so now everything's cool.

Anyway, uh, the other
day I was talking to her,

and I was trying to figure
out a way to ask her

how many guys she's slept with.

Why would you
want to know that?

I don't know.

Why does any guy want to know?

I just want to know.

What I do know is
she's been having

sex since she was 15 years old.

So that's 15 years
in the league.

Conservatively, she had
to put away 25 or 30.

Art, from what you've
told me about this girl--

I know.
You're right.

She's got to be
in triple digits.

Anything less is a lie.

Anything more and I'm going
to pull my fucking hair out.

If it's all part of her past,
why do you let it bother you?

Huh?

Will you listen to me?

My suggestion, just
drop the whole thing.

I don't think I can.

All right, fine.

If you're going to ask her, you
got to be prepared to answer

the question yourself.

So what's your number?

Hm, let's see.

I used to be better at
keeping track of this.

Uh, 73.

Not counting whores.

Six.

You're right.

I'll drop the whole thing.

So mowing the lawns
almost killed me,

but I was making
it through the day

and then the last
house turned out

to be that prick Mangenelli's.

Oh, no.

And then to top
it off, he gets

me to hit into a double
play to end the game.

It was just so
fucking humiliating.

I'm so sorry, honey.

Let's not talk
about that asshole.

You know, to tell you
the truth, all this shit

with Mangenelli and
us probably getting

kicked out of the
softball league,

it's really not
bothering me that much.

Why not?

I think it's because of you.

Yeah?

Plus right now this weed
is helping out quite a bit.

You know, my shrink
says you're really

good for my self-esteem.

Out of all the guys I
dated, you're the only one

she said that about.

Hey, let's fuck!

No, Artie.

I don't want to
wake your mother up.

Oh, come on.

Don't worry.

My mother went to
sleep hours ago.

Artie, I don't know.

Come on.

These walls are
completely sound proof.

Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, of course!
- Really?

Would I lie to you?

No, you wouldn't lie.

Come on.

You could play drums
in this fucking--

You could do the solo from Tom
Sawyer in this fucking room.

Who's Tom Sawyer?

It's a Rush song.

It's not important now.

All right.

I'm almost there.

Almost there.

Just about there.
Almost there.

OK.
Not quite yet.

Almost there.

Almost there.

Grab my balls!

Pinch my nipples!

Punch me in the back!

Harder!

Harder!

That's too hard.

Like this?

That's it.
That's perfect.

Artie, wait.

I-- I think the
rubber slipped oft.

Sorry.

Oh no.

Yes!

Come on, Art!

Drive me in and
we win it, buddy!

Get a hit or I'm going
to shove that bat up your ass.

Yeah!

Woo!

That's a nice tattoo.

I didn't realize there was
a Chinese word for "guido."

Hey, actually, this is the
Chinese symbol for "fuck you."

You know, this was
great tonight, man.

Getting the first win, huh?
- Yeah.

It was.

Kind of reminds
me how I'm going

to miss playing for this team.
- Hey, look.

I'm going to play
with my brother's team

out in Parsippany next year.

You want me to see if
they need an infielder?

Nah.

Getting to Parsippany's a
pain in the ass twice a week.

You got traffic, route 46, gas--

Hey, guys.

It ain't over till
it's over, huh?

Hey, Art.

You know I'm not the
one to want to give up,

but, uh, we're 1 and 5.

It's pretty over.

Way over.

Hello?
OK.

I'll tell him.
Hey, Art.

That was Yogi Berra.

He says it's over.

Jerk off.

Look, there's a way to
beat Mangenelli's team.

We have to--

I know what you're
going to say, Art.

We got to blow up
Mangenelli Fitness.

Dave, how are things at home?

Not good, man.

Hm mm.

Hm mm.

I'm holding in a
huge piss, so could

you get to the point, shithead?

All right.

We got to practice.

Aren't you
the one who said

that practice was for fags?
Yet Yeah.

That's when you
wanted to practice.

Look, this is a beer league.

Nobody practices,
and that can help us.

I been hitting
softballs every day,

and I didn't drink
before the game tonight

for like the first time ever.

I could do that for
the whole season.

Look, I'm not saying
it's going to be easy.

Mangenelli's team is
going to win first place

for the regular season.

We're going to have
to scratch and claw

and get into second
place and them beat

them in the championship game.

But if we start practicing,
I think we got a shot.

Fellas, I been playing
softball for a long time.

This is not the best
team I ever played on.

But it ain't the worst either.

So if we were to actually
practice every day,

then like shithead
says, in this league

we got a shot to win it all.

How about it?

Let's have a toast!

To beating Mangenelli, huh?

Toast my ass.

I got to piss so bad
I could drown a horse.

Talk so fucking much.

All right.

That put a damper on the toast.

What do you say we
just practice tomorrow?

Salut.

Batting ball to the
gindaloon at third.

He's got it.

All right.

We haven't turned a double
play in like three years,

so let's get two.

Come on.

What do you say now?

Let's get two!

No!

Hey, good effort.

Way to go, way to go.

Damn.

You assholes know I'm
being sarcastic, right?

Come on.

Let's get two.

Damn.

Try not to spread your
legs like a $2 hooker.

Good, Maz.

When you wait on it
like that, you don't

have to lunge for the ball.

All right.

Way to W

Now, Johnny.

I noticed you've been
dropping your front shoulder.

Wait, you telling
me how to hit?

Please.

I'm batting.687.

That's like telling Ted
Williams how to hit.

Oh, really?

I always thought of you as
more like a Pete Rose type.

You know, a shitty
gambler with bad hair.

Hey there.

Jesus Christ, you're
like a bunch of monkeys

trying to screw a football.

Nice hit, Tim.

Way to be.

Beautiful.

You know, Dave, you
might be a leftie.

Yeah.

Let's get two.

Come on!

What the fuck are you doing?

Jump!

Second base is
over there, moron.

Sorry, Johnny.

I--

Jesus Christ.

That is just awful.

Really?

I thought I hit
that pretty good.

Oh, no.

Your hitting's fine.

I'm talking about that
disgusting guido pink shirt.

Go home and change it.

Artie, technically
this is fuchsia.

Out of my sight!

Go!

I'm going to throw up.

Jesus Christ.

I-- I'm going to
see my.

Let's get two.

Up, fellas.

Come on.

Yeah!

All right!

That's
what I'm talking about!

Come on now.

Now do that again and
prove it wasn't just luck.

Let's do this!

Hey!

Quick, get two now.
Two.

Come on now!

Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about!

Yeah!

Come on, Alfonse!

Good guido.

Everybody hits!

Run, Artie.

Slow down, asshole.

One hopper to Devanzo.

He's got it.

Out!

Yeah!

Go to first!

- Out!
- Nice, Art.

Way to pick it.

How about it, one time.

How about it?

Good play!

Nice!

Don't get cocky, fuck nuts.

All right.
Let's go.

And no stick up here.

No stick?

Hey, Crispino, what's
your batting average?

Fuck you, Johnny.

Who keeps stats in
slow pick softball?

I'm hitting.687.

Thank you.

Nice shot!

Strike three!

Fuck you, fuck you,
fuck you, fuck you.

Nice catch!

Look at you!

What do you say now?
Here we go!

Turn it now.
Come on.

Good, Johnny.

Out!

4-6-3, nice.

No carbs.

Lobster, prime rib,
those little clams.

Whatever you want.
You want to drive?

Yeah.

I don't think so.

What the fuck?

Devanzo, you motherfucker.

Way to rip it, buddy.

Way to rip it.

10 and 5, baby!

10 and 5!

Woo!

Step right up
and shoot the geek!

100 shots for $5.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah!

This is getting ugly.

Nice.

Artie, knock it off.

- Get him in his balls.
- OK.

Get his balls.

On these wheels, I bet on mom
every single time because I

love my mom, you know.

Aw, that's so cute.

All right.

Come on, mom.

- Come on, mom.
- Come on, mom.

- What do you say?
- Come on, mom!

- One time!
- Oh.

- One time with mom.

Just one time.

Come on, motherfucker mom!

Motherfucker!

Hit mom, motherfucker.

Come on, mom!

Fuck!

Fuck shit cock!
Fuck!

Motherfucker.

Let's Let's get away from
this crooked fucking game.

It's hard
to say because like I

totally believe in
God, but I have lots

of problems with the church.

Like I don't think I want
to be married in a church

because I would feel
like a total hypocrite.

I sort of feel the
same way, you know.

I'm not religious at all, but my
mother went to Catholic school.

So you know, she
would really want

me to get married by a priest.

So I thought of this
great compromise.

If I ever get
married, it's going

to be by a justice of the peace
who is also a child molester.

You are so going
to hell for that.

What?

Come on.

$5, hot shot!

Where you going?

Knock it out.

You know where your mother is?

She's waiting to pick me
up. $5, purple monkey!

What's up, slugger?

$5, yours, baby.
Purple monkey.

- Here.
- Purple monkey man!

All right, Artie.
You can do it.

Purple monkey, man.

Oh!
All right, baby.

That's a good start.

Going to have to settle
for a pink bear, man.

Pink bear man.

Come on, baby.

Got nothing.

Nothing.

All right.

Dude.

Ooh, I got the look.

This is going
to be the one, all right?

Purple monkey, cause he
ain't going to get it today.

He's losing his hair.

Down on his luck.

Perhaps too fat for his age.

He's with a hot chick who is
clearly out of his league.

Forget about it.

I don't even want one of
those stupid purple monkeys.

No, on this one I am
getting you a prize.

I guarantee it.
All right?

OK.

Here, catch, douche!

Art!

Marie, you're
a beautiful dancer.

Atrocious.
Ugh.

- Johnny.
- Unwatchable.

- Stop it.
- It's awful.

- Lovely.
- No.

It's not lovely.
Someone's got to tell her.

Sh.

It stinks.

Look, I don't know
what Artie has planned

for this bachelor party, OK?

Honey, it's no
big deal, all right?

Johnny, you ready?

And I don't want to know.

It's just my father might
stop by for a little while.

I know.

And if he does, would you
please show some respect?

- Absolutely.
- Don't worry about nothing.

I'll bring him
back in one piece.

- You see?
- Come on.

All right, honey.

I'll see you later.

Whatever.

All right.

Let's go.

Gina, relax.

They all have bachelor parties.

It's no big deal.

OK.

Marie, stay away from
the street, sweetheart.

Yeah.

Just dance on the lawn.

Marilyn, it's not the bachelor
party that I'm worried about,

you know?

It's just I can't
relax when I know

he's going out with fuckhead.

Oh, you mean Artie?

Did you know that at
Carol Monteverdi's wedding,

he got drunk and he
punched the D] in the face

because the guy wouldn't
play "Rock Me, Amadeus."

Well, we all know
he's kind of pathetic.

But I like Artie, and
I don't think he's

quite so obnoxious anymore.

The 2-2 pitch to Birkenstock.

Shot down the line.

He may have a-- it's
got the foul pole.

Home run.

Nice shot.

Whoa!

Ed, no!

Coach, what the fuck?

And the crowd's going
crazy here at Busch Stadium.

And Devanzo's looking to
lace one back through the hole.

Whoa!

Oh, a little chit music,
and he may charge the mound.

It's OK.

It's cool.

If I have to, I'll
start the fucking rag.

Throw him that spinner, honey.

Come on, Maz.
Take it.

Look alive.

You got to have that.

Wait it-- you almost
fucked us up over here.

Dude, you got to catch that.

I'm not catching that shit.

Whoa!

This is going
to be a good one.

King La Cock!

Salut.

Salut.

Let's have a little more.

You're trying to kill me here.

Come on, one more.

I don't know.

Whoa!

Ow!

Cops.

Shit.

What the fuck is
going on in here?

Everybody freeze.

Hey.

You son of a bitch.

Hey, look out.

Hey, relax, guys.

Hey!

This is my cousin Mickey.

He's a Boston cop.

Funny.

Scared the shit out
all you Derek Jeter

loving motherfuckers, didn't I?

Fucker.
Hey, man.

Have a drink.
Have some fun.

- Yeah, sure, Maz.
- Thanks for coming.

Hey, black guy.

Hook me up with
some coke, will you?

Woo.

Want a slice there,
pitching machine?

No.

I don't eat dairy.

The pitching machine
doesn't eat dairy.

Got a lot of rules.

Fuck you before you take
any money out my pocket.

Fuck you, bitch.

I saw him first.

You're the one taking
money out of my pocket.

Come on, ladies.

Neither of you
even have pockets.

Honey, your prices
are outrageous.

I remember when a man could
get his clock cleaned for $5.

Well, I'll clean
your clock for $5,

but a blow job is still $50.

Let me call my wife.

Hey, there he is.

Dennis.

How you feeling?

What, did you come
in a convertible?

- Ah, don't be jealous.
- Get a drink.

All right.

Have a good time.

It's your last chance.

Hey, Ed.

What is this elect
Zinna bullshit, huh?

Fucking bitch.

What happened to you?

While I was
getting a blow job,

the other whore punched
my whore in the mouth.

You better ice
that shit, money.

Thanks so much for
putting this together.

I'm having a fucking great time.

Ah, don't worry
about it, brother.

Hey, listen.

Mangenelli just showed up.

Yeah, I saw him.

No fighting, please.

I promise.

Listen, Maz, I'm in a very
different place right now.

I really don't care
about Mangenelli.

- That's what I want to hear.
- All right?

That's great.

OK, now, all whores
front and center,

time to rate the bachelor!

Come on!

I'm not doing it.

I'm not doing it.

Tough shit.

You're doing it.

Have at him, ladies.

I'm drawing the line, Artie.

You motherfucker.

No.

Please.

Maz is getting
his pipes cleaned.

Hang in there, Maz.

Christ, here we go.

Artie.
Artie.

Artie.

Hey, I'm a little
busy right now.

I thought you said you're
not going to do coke any more.

Bachelor parties don't count.

Asshole.

It's Gina's father.

I would rather not be
naked in front of my friends

right now.
- Oh, shit.

He looks pissed.

I was hoping he'd be cool.

You know, like your father
was at your bachelor party.

Yeah.

He was the best.

I can't believe I walked
in on him getting a hummer.

What?

Nothing.

Hey, this dude looks like
he's going to freak out.

I better go talk to him.

I'm supposed to
go to confession next week.

Cheap shit.

I don't know
if you guys know this,

but I'm getting
married very soon.

Hello, sir.

OK, no.

Please.

I have a-- I have a child.

I have a five-year-old.

Boy, Maz has a big cock.

I'm going to kill you!

He's got no respect
for his elders.

Hey.

Thanks for letting
me do bumps with you.

You want that blow job now?

Nah, I'm good.

Oh.

Well, that's a first.

She must be pretty special.

Yeah, she is.

Bye.

Take care.

Oh, Art.

Maz is pissing all over
himself behind the bar.

Well, it's not a bachelor
party unless somebody

pisses his pants.

Actually, he managed to
get it out of his pants.

Look, Maz.

I know I owe you for
that time you helped me

out when I shit my
pants at Mardi Gras,

but now we're even, man.

Whoa!

How much did you
drink, motherfucker?

Jesus Christ, Maz!

Maz!

Change.

All right.

It looks like the well's
running dry finally.

Now, if you could just
get your dick back

into your pants on
your own, everything

will be fine, all right, man?

Hey Devanzo.

I know why you're here, but
I'm not letting you blow Maz.

Of course not.

That's your job,
you.

In case you haven't
noticed, the party's over.

Get out.
- All right.

I'm going.

Say hi to Linda for me.

What?

Linda
Salvo, your girlfriend.

She didn't tell you she
used to go to my gym?

No.

Oh, yeah.

Cute girl.

She earned quite a few free
membership months in my office,

if you know what I mean.

Anyway, say hi to her for me.

Hey, honey.

Look like you
haven't slept a wink.

I taped the Yankee game for you.

Thanks.

So were you naughty
at the bachelor party?

Actually, I wasn't.

Oh.

Linda, uh, I have something
important I want to ask you.

Oh, really?

What is it?

Did you fuck Mangenelli?

Oh, Artie.

Just answer the
question please.

Look, I don't want
to talk about this, OK?

It's just-- no matter what
you think, it's not important.

Could you just answer the
fucking question, please?

All right.

The answer is yes.

How could you?

Artie, it was
over two years ago.

Right, and I had to
hear about it from him!

Why couldn't you
tell me yourself?

How could I?

You're completely
consumed with this guy.

You're finally just
starting to get over it.

Look, I don't think
about this jerk,

and I don't want you to think
about him either, all right?

I just want us to be
happy, like we are.

Come on.

This is too fucked up.

I don't think I can handle it.

What do you mean, you don't
think you can handle it?

You-- what, you want
to break up over this?

You know what?

Yeah, I do.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Over something that happened
years before I met you?

You feel bad, so now you want
to make me feel bad too, right?

God, you're just--
you're not a man.

You're a fucking little bitch.

God, you're fucking
unbelievable.

I could fucking kill
you, you damn Yankee suck

ass nasty loser ass--

Take your stinking loser
jersey too, fat fuck!

Fucking asshole.

Can I get some more
fries here, Rhonda?

You know, women
who date fat guys

are often mentally unstable.

Oh?

Yeah, it's true.

They call 'em chubby chasers.

Rhonda, I'm still here.

One order of fries coming up.

Asshole!

Asshole!

Asshole!

I'm telling you,
this chick is good for Art.

I got my own problems.

Thanks for the
free bat, asshole.

Hey, Art.

You know what?

You can't-- you can't hold
this on this chick now.

I mean, I know it's a pain
in the ass to deal with--

I can't deal with it.

It's over.

This the first chick you've
ever been serious about.

Come on, you finally
met a broad doesn't care

about your drinking or the
fact that you're 35 years old

and you still live
with your mom.

And she doesn't mind
that a man of your weight

should be about six foot two.

Plus you factor in the
herpes thing and then--

Asshole.

Enough.

Me and her are through.

So now who are you going
to take to my wedding?

If there is one.

What do you mean,
if there still is one?

You know, Art, I
asked you not to let things get

crazy at the bachelor party.

Now I got to be
worried, you know?

I-- I'm afraid Gina's
father is going

to tell her what went on there.

No, he's not.

Yeah, how do you know?

He is not going to break
the bachelor party code.

No man tells a woman what
goes on at a bachelor party.

So what happened in
Michael's bachelor party?

Nothing.

So what went on at
Maz's bachelor party?

Nothing.

So what went on at
the bachelor party?

Nothing, baby.

We've been married
for 43 years,

and you still won't tell me what
goes on at one bachelor party?

Fuck off.

No, I'm going to
be honest with Gina.

I'll feel better if I just
tell her what happened.

Are
you fucking insane?

No, no, no, asshole.

Every once in a while,
some moronic pussy

does spill the beans and
it's always a disaster.

Melissa, forgive me!

Please don't go!

I'll die without you!

Get away from me,
you whore lover.

You said you watch
porno so you wouldn't

have to do things like that.

Look, I wish I hadn't done
it, but-- but I'm injured

here and it feels like
it's going to fall off.

Well, if it doesn't give
me a call and I'll come back

and I'll cut it off.

- Cut what off, Mommy?
- I know, I know.

Oh, look.
Here he comes.

Here we go.

It's a perfect day for
softball here at the stadium.

55,000 on hand for Johnny
Trinno bottle head day here.

I mean, it's a great
day for the kids.

All fans 16 and
under will get one.

And can Johnny go for
the.700 batting average?

Do you ever shut the fuck up?

No, I don't.

.698.

Yay!

Nice one, baby!

Go, Johnny!

Oh, would you look at Artie?

You know, he really
thinks who he is.

Fucking best man at my wedding,
and he-- he better behave.

Gina, you've got to stop.

Stop worrying.

Marilyn, stop worrying?

Yeah.

Did you know that at
Donna Delvecio's wedding,

he pissed in the centerpieces
and got the priest high?

Oh.

OK.

Way to go, fuckhead.

Way to go, Artie.

I knew you could do it, pal.

So back during
college basketball season,

my buddy Shecky tells
me he's got this system.

He says it's an
absolute lock when you

have this combination, right?

Big east team on
the road, give them

less than six points with a
white point guard, all right?

So I bet St. John's against
Duke, and I lose big.

I mean, really big, right?

So I said to Shecky.

I go, look, man.

The only time a white
point guard is a good thing

is when your sister tells you
she's dating a point guard.

Hey, Tim.

I didn't see you there, man.

That was a funny joke, man.

You like that joke?

Yeah.

What's not to like about it?

It's about how you
guys suck at basketball

and how good we fuck your women.

I never thought
about it like that.

We got a better
line up than they got.

Totally.

- Hey, guys!
- Hey!

Hands up, Art.

- How you doing?
- Hey, Art.

Listen to this.

Corrino Auto Body lost to
Moochy Gras Overhead Door.

So now we're tied for
second with Corrino.

Hey, and our last
game is against Corrino!

That's right.

It's going to come down
to the last day here.

Does Ed's Bar and
Swill win the right

to face Mangenelli in the
championship and save the team?

Or perhaps even
more dramatic, does

Joltin' Johnny Trinno bat.700?

Asshole.

Will you forget about your
batting average for one second?

We've got to beat
that prick Mangenelli.

Artie.

What exactly do you
have against my cousin?

Oh, well, number
one, he's a prick.

Number two, he's a cock.

Number three, he's a dick.

Well, congratulations.

You know three different
words for penis.

Four, now that
you taught me penis.

All right, guys.
Relax, OK?

Does anybody need a drink?
- Everybody be nice.

All right.
Let's change the subject.

Artie, are you bringing Linda
to the wedding, or are--

Are you guys still broken up?

Nah, we're broken up for good.

You know, Gina actually
offered to set you up with one

of her cousins, you know.

Hey, great!

I heard your cousin Mangenelli
gives a mean blow job.

You know what, Artie?

Here, sit on this and rotate.

Gina, your flirting is
making everyone at the table

uncomfortable.
- All right.

Come on, Art.
Take it down a notch.

She's just trying to help you.

Hey!

I am not some loser
who can't get a--

Wait, you're not talking
about your cousin

Tracy with the tits?
No No.

Tracy's married now, thank you.

Hey, I am not some loser
who can't get a date!

I'm doing just fine on my own.

Hello.

Is Karen Deaver there?

Karen?

It's Artie Devanzo!

Yeah, Artie, from Union High.

That's right.

We haven't spoken since
I took you to the prom.

Oh, that's right.

I did call you from jail after.

Well, listen.

I was just sitting in
the, uh, office here,

and, uh, I was wondering, do
you remember my friend Maz?

Yeah.

Well, he's getting
married this weekend,

and I was wondering if
you wanted to go with me.

Yeah.

I was remembering all the
fun times we used to have.

What do you mean, what fun?

By my count, we banged
at least 26 times.

Hello?

No kidding, Gigi.

You're strictly into
chicks now, wow.

Hey, uh, did I have
something to do with that?

Oh, I did?

So then you got divorced
from that guy too?

Boy, Brenda, you really
know how to pick 'em.

Ah, I'm just teasing you.

Yeah, yeah.

Thanks.

It's really great
to talk to you too.

I'm so glad that
nerd at the library

taught me how to Google.

Listen, let me tell
you why I'm calling.

I-- you know already, really?

Oh, right.

I did tell you I'd pay it back
that $200 I borrowed from you

no matter how long it took.

Hi, this is Linda.

I can't come to the
phone right now,

so please leave me a message.

Hey, it's Artie.

Uh, I know we haven't
talked in a while,

so this is kind of awkward.

But, um, look, everything
was my fault. I know.

I get crazy sometimes.

You know, and--
well, I don't know.

Listen, I'm going to stop
talking into your machine

before this gets embarrassing.

Give me a call if
you get a chance.

But, uh, I miss you.

I miss you a lot.

Bye.

So you going to call him?

I don't know.

I mean, I still really
care about Artie,

but he really hurt me.

Either way, keep this quiet,
because it was a big mistake.

Why?

Because I'm black?

No, because you're
fucking married.

Right.

My bad.

Nice and easy.
Nice and easy.

Just read the ball.

Come on, Dave.

Strike three!

Oh my god, I can't wait
to go home and get high.

Holy sh--

Some of the greats
strike out, Dave.

That's right.

Striking out in
slow pitch softball

is nothing to be ashamed of.

Come on, Johnny.
Here we go.

All right, Johnny.
All right, Johnny.

It's all you, baby.
Bring me in!

Two outs here in last inning
with the winning run on second.

I mean, who would you want
up more than Johnny Trinno?

It's been a magical
year for Johnny

as he comes into the last
game with a.699 average.

All right, come on.

It's getting dark.

Yeah, Trinno's star
shines as bright as ever.

- Yes!
- Come on, Maz!

Go!

And screw your slide!
Let's go!

Come on!
Slide!

Slide!

You're sliding!

Head first slide!

Head first slide!

Ah, shit.

What did you slide for?

They didn't even throw the ball.

Why the hell you
tell me to slide?

I was just fucking with you.

We're in the championship!

Listen, Johnny.

I don't have a date
for the wedding yet.

What?

I thought you took care of that.

The wedding's this afternoon!

I know.

I struck out all over the place.

Hey, do you think Marilyn
could get one of her friends

to go with me last minute?

Look, Art.

Marilyn's female
friends are all lawyers

and bankers and executives.

So what are you saying,
that they're too good for me?

No, no.

I was trying to let the
silence say it for me.

Artie, look.

Even if Marilyn could
help you, it's too late.

Nobody cares if you have a date.

Just come by yourself.

I can't do that, Johnny.

That's all right, man.

I still got one chick
left I could call.

It's almost time
to get started.

Where the hell is Artie?

I just called the house.

His mom said some girl
came and picked him up.

What?
I don't believe this shit.

Look, Johnny.

If this scumbag isn't
here in five minutes,

we start without him.

You step in as best man.

Yes, sir.

That's so sad, that you
and your girlfriend broke up!

You're such a sweetie.

Here, you want a
bump to cheer you up?

No, that's all right.

Maybe later.

You know you just blew
through a stop sign, right?

Who are you to talk, silly?

You don't even have
a driver's license.

Well, at least we're
making good time.

All right, the church is
like two minutes from here.

So just go straight,
but slow down.

Slow down!

Slow-- Pitching
Machine, look out!

I saved us!

Yeah, you're a real hero.

Come on, let's go.
- Wait.

Let me powder my nose.

Oh, fuck me.

Hey, Devanzo.

You're free to go.

Hey, what time is it?

It's 5:00 AM.

Shit.

Look, I know I messed up.

- Messed up.
- All right.

Screwed up.
Fucked up.

- I really am sorry.
- Stop, all right?

Don't even-- we've been
friends for 30 years.

You're my best man.

How could you miss my wedding?

What the hell's the
matter with you?

Man, I'm sorry.

Well, I'm not.

At least the fucking
Pitching Machine

didn't end up at my wedding.

Look, I don't know how many
times I have to say this,

but I really am sorry.

You know, those words,
they have no meaning

coming from you, all right?

They're shit.

I've had enough of your " I'm
sorrys" to last my lifetime.

I'm sorry I missed your wedding.

I'm sorry I started that
fight with Mangenelli.

Oh yeah, I'm sorry I
got drunk and stole

your dad's ice cream truck.
I mean, I could go on.

Hey, wait.

The ice cream truck
thing, I was 12 years old.

Yeah, and you
haven't changed a bit!

You selfish prick,
you even managed

to make my wedding about you.

Look, obviously you
don't want to be around me,

and I don't blame you!

I'm going to quit the team.

Team?
What team?

We're going to lose
the championship

and then the team's
over because of you,

so don't go fucking talking to
me about the team, all right?

Whoa!

- What the fuck?
- What the-- hey, it's Dirt!

Dirt!

Oh, man.
Hurry up.

Call an ambulance.
- Hey, Dirt.

- Hey, Dirt.
- Hey, hey.

We need an ambulance
here at Tamblin Field.

Oh, shit.

Dirt.

Hang on, we're getting help.

I can't believe
he really did it.

He always said
that's what he wanted.

I want to go out
just like that.

Gentlemen,
later today we're

playing for the championship
and for the survival of Ed's

Bar and Swill softball team.

But right now I want to do
a toast to a fallen friend

and teammate, Dirt.

The greatest softball
pitcher of all time.

To Dirt.

- Dirt.
- Dirt.

Dirt.

Hey, Ed.

What do you say, huh?

Set up some more.

To be honest, if
Dirt hadn't died, I--

I wouldn't even be
talking to you right now.

But I still don't want our
friendship to end, all right?

Me neither, man.

Look, Maz.

This ain't a good
excuse, but I just

couldn't show up to your
wedding in front of fucking

Mangenelli without a date.

It would have been
too humiliating

after that thing with Linda.

Artie, you let that
prick get to you.

That's what fucks everything up.

That's when you
become the asshole.

You know, I want to beat
him in softball too.

But it ends there, man.

You can't let that guy ruin
your whole freaking life.

I know.
I know.

You're right, man.

You're right.

I mean, you got to let it go.

And if he doesn't, you should.

Fuck it.

I am just going to let it go.

I'm done worrying about
Dennis Mangenelli.

All right.

Thanks for talking
to me like this, man.

You do the same
thing for me, you know?

No, I would've went
behind your back telling

everyone what a dick you were.

Hey, lovebirds.

Sorry to interrupt your
little date over there,

but we're toasting Dirt.

Your shots are accumulating.

All right, all right.
We're coming.

Not too much drinking.

We've got a championship
game, two tours.

I know.

Let's just drink
one toast to Dirt.

To the greatest rock and
roll band of all time,

Molly Hatchet!

Fucking ain't right.

Watch.

I'm going to place
this perfectly.

Asshole.

Hey, Ed.

Another round of tequila.

You guys finished
all my tequila.

Dave drank the last
bottle by himself.

Last night, I had
a dream that I killed

every single one of you guys.

Relax Dave.

Hey, easy, Dave.

Huh?

Come on.

Hey, what time is it?

Holy shit.
It's almost game time.

We got to go.

Everybody's got their bats and
gloves in the trunk, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, just got to go
home and get my uniform.

Yeah, me too.

We
ain't got time.

If we're two seconds
late, Mangenelli's

going to call for a forfeit.

We got to go straight
to the field.

One more drink,
and then we'll go.

No, no, no.

We got to leave right now.

Come on.

You're riding with me, Art?

Thanks, man.

Let's go, everybody.

Let's go.

Whoa.

I can't let nine guys
drive out of here drunk.

Well, I'm running with Maz,
so it's really just eight.

Come on.

I'm fine.

We do it every weekend.

I can't let you guys drive
out of here all shimmed up.

Well, then you have
to drive all of us.

Both my
legs are asleep.

Both
my balls are asleep.

I don't want to
hear about your balls.

Mother Mary, full of grace--

Don't pray
like that, all right?

God hates guidos.

Oh, shit.

It looks like the
circus with all the clowns

coming out of the car.

Where's Dave?

Did we forget Dave?

Anybody bring any weed?

Left mine at the funeral home.

Play ball.

Oh, Christ.

I may fucking die out here.

Fucked up, bro.

Bourbon and tequila?

- Come on, Art.
- All right.

Let's look intelligent.

Look alive.

Get ready to lose.

And
here comes Devanzo.

He is a sandy haired,
slender thighed,

long legged, big,
beautiful young man.

With excellent bone structure.

The pussy he must
get on the road.

Hey, look.

Drunk rookie picture
on the mound.

We're going to destroy you.

You've never even
pitched before.

Nah, but if you could do it,
it can't be that hard, bro.

Come on.

Devanzo wheels, deals,
rocks, kicks the offering.

What the fuck
are we doing here?

You have done this
before, haven't you?

Shut up.

I'm still going
to strike you out.

Art!

Art, don't let him get to you.

Nice.

Nice.

Beautiful.

Now you're getting close.

Ball four.

Take your base.

Yeah, I got a feeling you'll
be saying that a lot today.

Come on, Art.

Shit.

It's going to be
a long game, bro.

Don't worry, don't worry.
He'll settle in.

Hey, Art.

Come on, Art!
- Come on, Artie.

Focus.

Come on.

Yeah, double play!

Yeah!
Come on, John!

Get it!

Get it!

Shit!

Shit!

This is the longest
day of your life, Artie.

Run, run.

Hold!

Hold!

Run, Davis!

Run!

Oh, god.

Man.

I'm good.

Come on, Dennis.

You're out!

Yeah!

And who's got a Percocet?

All right.

Here we go.
Hey!

Candy corn!

Candy corn!

That's me right now.

You're out.

Ball five rule.

Come on, Bobby.

Base hit.

God, I'm glad Dirt
ain't around to see this.

You're out.

You're out.

Out.

Thought the tank was empty.

They keep doing
this to themselves.

I know.
Here you go.

Here you go, guys.
Coffee.

Thanks a lot.

- Gee, we needed this.
- Yeah.

Coffee.

Hi, babe.

Here you go.
All right?

Hm.

Smell like booze.

- Ah, gets you hot, though.
- Actually, it does.

Thanks for the coffee.

10 nothing, they're killing us.

Last at bat.

I'm sorry.

Hey, Gina.

Hey, Artie.

I'm really sorry about
missing your wedding.

Oh, listen.
Don't worry about it.

You not showing up was
the best gift I got.

The only disaster
was Johnny's toast.

What?

He said it went great.

So to
recap, throughout it

all there's been a lot of
laughter and a few tears.

But in the end, the clouds
parted, the sun shined down,

and the good Lord himself
decided it was meant to be.

And that's how I finished the
regular season batting.706.

Salut.

Out.

Damn.

Now I'm burping
tequila and coffee.

Two away.

Devanzo shift.

What, you down 10 to
nothing and you're

going to make your
team's last out ever.

How's that feel, alcoholic?

Hurry up and pitch, asshole.

I'm losing my buzz.

What do you say, buddy?

What do you say?

What do you say?

Hey, Artie!

What?

Come here.

Oh.

Hey, Linda.

Hey, sweetie.

How's it going?

What's up?

Artie, you're a fucking jerk.

I know.

Unfortunately, that seems
to be my go-to move.

But I really miss you.

I miss you too!

You want to talk
after the game?

Let's talk now and make
these jerk offs wait.

Hey, Linda.

I'll meet you in my office
at the gym after the game.

Shut the fuck up, needle
dick, and thanks for the herpes.

Ball bag.

What an asshole.

Complete asshole.

Jerk off.

This town is 98% skanks.

That's my girl.

Let's go.

Batter up!

I'll see you after
the game, all right?

OK.

Bye.

Classy broad you
got there, bro.

Thanks, needle dick.

Put it over, Dennis.

He can't hit it.

- Let's go.
- Here we go.

Here we go.

No.

Get out.

Get out.

Hell of a shot, bro.

Fucking motherfucker.

Prick fucking bastard.

Nice shot, Artie.

Hey, you assholes
knock that oft

or I'm revoking
your gym membership.

Tremendous shot.

Holy shit.

At least you got some revenge
on that prick Mangenelli,

even if we're not going to win.

What the fuck are
you talking about?

- We're going to win!
- Come on, Art.

It's 10 to 1.
We're down to our last out.

- I
- don't give a fuck.

Anyone who thinks we're going
to lose can go home right now.

Hey, calm down, will you?

Hey, would Dirt calm
down if he were here?

No!

After my homer, he would
have thrown a bat at my head

for not running around
the bases harder.

Now, this is the last inning.

Let's get some runs and
take that fucking trophy!

Nice!

Nice one, Maz!

Run you motherfucker!

Come on, Dave.

What do you say?

Come on, Dave.

Let's go.

Yeah!

Oh, shit!

Holy shit.

Dave got a hit.

Holy living Christ.

Fucking shot.

Come on, Albert!

Holy shit.

Christ fuck.

Fuck.

Now we're looking like a team!

Yeah!

Woo!

Stay
on the bag, Dave.

Come on, guys.
Keep going!

Let's go.

Come on.

Nice swing!

Run!

Run, Dave!
Come on!

It's a gapper!

It's a gapper!

Come on!

Oh, shit.

Asshole.

Yes!

Get me a beer, somebody.

Come on.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Hm!

Hm!

What
do you say, Dave?

Like a gazelle, buddy.

Like a gazelle
running out there.

What do you say, Alfonse?

Come on, one time!

We need you, buddy!

Nice, Alfonse!

Run!

Run, you sweaty guido!

Run!

Come on!

Yeah!

Tim, get out there.
Come on.

We need you, buddy.

Run, run.

Do this, you sweaty guy.

Sweet!

Sweet!

Run!

Run, you crazy motherfucker.

Run!

Come on!

Way to go.

Woo!

One time, Johnny boy.

Hey, Mangenelli.

You looking good, shit nuts.

We're rocking you,
you pansy ass.

It's so unfair.

It's like pitching to
a healthy Lou Gehrig.

Yeah!

Fuck.

Let's go!

Get it in here!

Devanzo Shift.

We're one out away
from the championship.

Force at any base.

One more bum and they're done.

You pricks stay awake
out there, God damn it.

All right.

Don't worry about
the shift, Art.

We're down 10-6.

Just pull it over the
wall, we tie it up!

Let's go!
- Come on, Artie.

Give it a ride, brother.
Come on.

Come on, big stick
up there, Artie.

Let's go.

You can beat this guy.

He fucking blows.

Your attention, please,
ladies and gentlemen.

Now pitching for Mangenelli,
number 1, Needle Dick.

Number 1.
- Yeah, all right.

Needle Dick.

Shut the fuck up.

Your luck's run out, Devanzo.

This is your last at bat
in this league forever.

I'm going to have
to remodel a window

in my gym to fit that fifth
trophy, but fuck it, right?

For the last time, you
are not getting that trophy.

Come on.

Hit it out, baby!

Come on.

Hit it out, fuckhead!

Prepare to continue your
lifetime losing streak,

jerk oft.
- Bring it on.

Let's go, Art.

Get the fucking ball!

Artie, run!

Run!

Come on!

Throw it!

Home!

Home!

Come on, Artie!

Fuck!

Shit.

Get it.

Score, Artie!

Score!

You're gonna score!

You're out!

Oh, shit.

You all right?

Huh?

Yeah, I'm all right.

It was a hell of a game.

Good hustle.

It was great.

Hey, guys.

This can't be our last game.

Let's go play in
Parsippany next year.

- I'm in.

Me too, man.

Let's do it, huh?

Art?

You know what, fuck it.
You're right.

We got to play again next year.
I'm in.

I'm in.

Let's go get drunk.

That sounds great, but there's
one thing I've got to do first.

Hey, Linda!

Pull the car around.

OK, Artie.

Oh my dear lord.

Get the photographer
over here!

Take a picture of the champs.

Yeah, let's get
a photographer!

Get that fat fuck!

Artie, what the
fuck are you doing?

You're dead this time.

We'll have that
piece of shit killed.

- OK, OK.
- Go!

OK!

See you at the gym, fellas!

Come back
here, you fucking loser!

Wow, that was the
greatest asshole move ever.

Absolutely.

God help Devanzo when
I get my hands on him.

Hey!

Hey, kid!

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

Just updating your
photo, Mayor Herpes.

Oh, shit.

Get
back here, you little brat.

Help!

This maniac's trying to
give me fucking herpes.

Come
here, you wise ass!

I told that prick
he wasn't getting that trophy.

You are
such a pisser, Artie.

What are you going to do
with that crazy thing?

Hey, you know what?

Drive over to Mangenelli's gym.

I'll put a note on the
trophy saying I'm sorry,

and then I'll throw it through
his front fucking window.

Oh, god, Artie.

Please don't do that.

- I
- was just kidding.

Hey, let's point it north
and go down the shore

and get cheese steaks.

Count me in.

All right.

I took a car.

I drove it far.

I dug the quality of steel.

I passed my nerve.

I made it swerve.

I made it.

That was no big deal.

I tasted blood.

The deed was done.

And now I--

Excuse me.
Hi.

Sorry.

Do you know what time it is?

- Do you know what time it is?
- Oh.

I guess I do.
- Yeah.

Oh.

Oh, wow.

Those are really pretty
colorful shoes you have there.

And they show off
your colorful nails.

Thanks.

Um, hey.

Do you like music?

Who doesn't like music?

That's true.

Do you like rock music?

I could take it or leave it.

Because my
friend's band, I know

the guitarist from the
band, and they're playing

later and they're--

I think I can get one
of us on the guest list.

Then we could like split the
other ticket or something.

Hey, beat it, dirt bag.

Get lost.

Did you want to go?

What the fuck?

Get lost!

Jesus.

Jesus Christ.

The guys-- I'm gone
for like two minutes,

and they're like vultures.
- Two minutes?

You were gone for
like 20 minutes.

The line at the cheese steak
place was like an hour long.

I'm sorry.

You want a bite?
- Oh--

Have a bite.

Come on.

All right.

What do you say now?

Batter to Devanzo at first.

He's got it.

Up with it.

Here.

Now I'm here.
Here.

Here.
Two.

Deuce.

One time.

Ha!

That's nothing but
fun right there.

He's got it!

Ah!

One time now.

Established here.

Clear, here.

Clear Current Two.

Ah!

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Fired in there!

Fire it!

One time.

Look alert there, two.

Establishment here.

Here.

There now!

Bitch.

It's too hard.

Complete jerk oft.

I want to be honest with her.

I want to be honest--
be honest with my wife.

Shut the fuck up.

It's fucking stupid.

This Danish is stale.

You know, the
happiest day of my life

is going to be when
you finally have a kid.

That means I got
laid at least once.

Laying down a bunt, it's
like holding your dick

and putting it in, OK?

Softly.

Hey, Ma!

Do we have any Fluffernutter?

Ma!

I'm cooking!

Fluffernutters See if we
have any Flufternutter-- fuck.

She's losing her hearing.

I'm worried about her health.

You know, the happiest--

"Happy Days."
You were on "Happy Days?"

Yes, I was.
I'm Chachi.

OK.

Line.

A priest and a rabbi--

Ah.

A--

No, no, no.

La, la, la, la.

Do you have a--
what are you doing?

- What's this line?
- Not a tip pip.

Oh, is that the line?

I have no idea.

That's the Jersey
City salute, huh?

That's the Jersey City salute
for Mangenelli, sweetheart!

You shit nuts.