Original subtitles

(Transcribed by TurboScribe. Go Unlimited to remove this message.) Okay, okay, what's next Chris, I don't I

don't quite know how to put this but

um well you know we're together all the

time and there's there's something that you do

that really gets on my nerves I'm sorry

what is it you don't forget about it

it's my problem okey dokey that's it what's

it okey dokey do I say that oh

yeah you do yeah and it drives me

crazy I mean it's like the way people

say any who oh it's that bad well

it is to me uh-huh I'll try

not to say it anymore you know Jake

I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to tell

me what you did because that thing you

do with the spoon on the coffee cup

it really bothers me what then well after

you stir your coffee you tap the spoon

on the cup yeah well that's to get

the coffee out the spoon yeah I understand

that well then what's the problem well it's

just that that sound it makes it just

goes through me like a knife oh that's

certainly easy enough to fix thank you okey

dokey just kidding hey Chris Jake how you

doing buddy wow you're in a good mood

what happened you find a nickel on the

sidewalk better brand new pack of cigarettes on

the subway great homeless guy was reaching for

it but it's too quick for him so

you outrace a guy who hadn't eaten in

days yeah well I like to stay in

shape hey everybody oh great there you are

you know I've been calling you for a

week when are you gonna come upstairs and

snake out my drink I'll get to it

Becca right now I've got more important things

on my mind Bob's gonna be a dad

you need a license to sell real estate

what happened Bob did you get some girl

pregnant no I went to my family reunion

that doesn't answer the question I meant that

seeing all my nieces and nephews running around

made me feel like it's time I had

a kid of my own wait a minute

didn't you once tell us you had kids

oh yeah I kind of made them up

you made up having kids well I wanted

to get into that parents without partners group

you know I thought it'd be a good

place to meet lonely desperate women I've also

pretended to be an alcoholic a gambler and

an overeater what about a sexaholic they got

a group hey Bob yeah you know to

get a kid don't you sort of need

a wife or at least some woman who

will let you touch her I don't know

that's a tall order Becker I'm kind of

in a hurry oh maybe I can be

artificially inseminated does that work I hope not

Bob having a child is sort of a

big deal why don't you check out big

brothers are looking to become a foster parent

come on what would Bob possibly teach a

child besides burping the alphabet backwards that's a

lot harder than you think not that hard

well it isn't hey listen by the way

Becker I got lots to teach a kid

I mean I can pass on all my

knowledge my expertise my experience so that maybe

one day my child can accomplish all the

things I never got around to oh great

then you know 18 years from now your

kid can come up and snake out my

drain Hi

Margaret I'm here for my appointment oh hi

Jim the doctor has your cholesterol results you

can go on back to room one okay

thank you hmm it is nice to see

him doing so well why what was wrong

with him well when Jim first came in

he had a multiple personality disorder two completely

different people living inside of him that is

so hot what was the other personality like

Jerry loud obnoxious rude completely despicable oh I'm

getting chills Linda why are you always attracted

to the weird ones come on Margaret imagine

going to bed with one man and having

no idea who you're going to wake up

with you do that now anyway none of

that matters Dr. Becker referred Jim to a

psychiatrist and now he is completely normal oh

normal hi Dr. Becker Jim

I got a riddle for you what's the

difference between you and a pound of bacon

oh you know I'm not so good with

riddles I like knock-knock jokes all right

all right fine knock knock who's there you

have really high cholesterol and you could die

you have really high cholesterol and you could

die who enough play time you know look

I'm trying to lower your cholesterol you haven't

taken those pills I prescribed have you well

I wanted to take the pills but there's

a problem all right what's the problem it's

the old problem it's Jerry he's back oh

no yeah not Jerry is he uh it's

Jerry in there right now yeah you know

the deal I mean you never know when

he's gonna come out that guy is so

obnoxious yeah we've tried living with him I

thought I thought Dr. Geary gave you a

new medication that kept Jerry away yeah he

did but then Jerry hid the pills before

I could take them this whole extra personality

thing that's up to Dr. Geary I'll call

him and tell him what's going on but

you know the high cholesterol I can help

you with that but you're doing my part

I mean I don't touch red meat I

eat a ton of vegetables I exercise like

crazy but then on the way home from

the gym Jerry the pig stops off for

chili dogs well can't you reason with him

doubtful we're not speaking all right all right

look is there any chance that you can

have Jerry come in and see me well

I'll try but just so you know he

really hates you well that's all right you

like me and we can work together you

know two against one okay I tell you

what just get him in the car tell

him you're taking him to a strip joint

and then drop him off here but he's

gonna have to drive I lost my license

okay Jake Chris this

is my kid Scott hi hi I got

him up with the youth center on Manning

Avenue we have Chris to thank for getting

us together I am so sorry hey you

know Chris was in the army first she

served the country now she's serving us that's

called irony not that funny sounded funny and

this is Jake you see that newsstand over

there yeah good because he can't shut up

okie dokie now let Jake be an inspiration

to you if the blind guy can own

a crummy business like that think how good

you can do eight times eight 64 feel

like sponges at this age anyway we got

a busy day so can I get one

black coffee and one hot chocolate to go

actually I like hot chocolate too make it

two hot chocolates so are you off to

first oh the public library the metropolitan opera

and then the statue of liberty all in

one day hey I got a lot to

teach this little rascal I've already missed the

first 10 years of his life I gotta

make up for lost time eight times nine

72 can't argue with that before we leave

can I go to the bathroom I don't

know can you oh right may I of

course just remember the lava los manos that's

Spanish remember to zip up never underestimate the

value of a bilingual education we live in

an ever-changing world my friend is it

my imagination or she's starting to look like

me oh

please would Jim have the guts to tell

you how hot you look today oh god

Jerry I thought you were gone but not

forgotten um hello snowflake hello who might you

be her name is Linda and she's seeing

someone no I'm not sometimes Margaret thinks she's

my mother but I never listened to my

mother I bet you'd listen to your daddy

okay all right that's it the doctor is

waiting for you I'll take him back oh

no you won't I'll take him back oh

please ladies don't fight over me there's enough

Jerry to go around just come on so

brown sugar what's shaking not much wonder bread

how about you John in the off chance

you were in a good mood Jerry is

here oh boy the years have not been

kind to you nice to see you again

Jerry yeah don't patronize me what do you

want look I uh I talked to Jim

this morning yeah I know little whiner said

something about high cholesterol the high cholesterol would

be an improvement that gravy you've got coursing

through your veins is gonna kill you hey

life will kill you all right the point

is to have a little fun before it

does yeah you've heard of fun haven't you

it's what people have when you're not around

you do understand that if Jim dies you

die now I'm not voting I'm just stating

a fact look if you're really so concerned

about us why don't you tell Jim to

stop hiding those pills you prescribed well no

he he said that you hid them how

can I hide him I never even saw

him look the lying little weasel scared to

death of any medication okay he keeps crying

about the side effects so wait wait Jim's

lying to me oh oh you think look

Becker I don't want to die okay and

you know me I love pills give me

the pills I'll take the whole bottle so

if I give you the pills right now

you'll take them I will take them but

then uh when Jim sees them he'll just

throw them all away all right all right

Jerry I guess I better talk to Jim

Jim are you in there I need to

talk to you it's Dr. Becker do I

look like Jim oh

finally you got up here and fixed the

drain huh well you got a half right

I took it apart in fact this is

my kid Scott Scott this is the doctor

I told you about yeah hi Scott look

Bob I'm in the middle of a very

difficult case I need to do some research

maybe you can come back some other time

Becker I told the kid all about you

he stole up a role model I can

see that I'm serious you know pack up

your stuff and get out please come on

Becker I wanted to meet someone professional you're

a doctor you went to Harvard that's a

big deal to a kid like this really

yeah well I guess I can take a

few minutes out of my busy day at

least I can do you really went to

Harvard yes I did you know Harvard's not

that big a deal Scott I mean sure

it's the best school in the country and

yes I had to be top of my

class just to get in you know something

you work hard like I did I bet

you can make it too he's being modest

Scott he left out four years of medical

school two years of residency and a great

career in research let's not forget graduating summa

cum laude wow and after all that education

and all that hard work you have to

look at this man and ask yourself what

the hell happened he had every advantage a

person could have in life he should be

in a penthouse on park avenue sucking the

fat out of rich people instead of living

in a dump like this thanks a lot

Becker I really appreciate it three times nine

27 close enough I

hate the way you drum your fingers how

annoying is that you want to talk about

annoying how about the way you clear your

throat as long as we're clearing things up

I hate the way you answer the phone

you say yellow it's not yellow it's hello

but I hate the way you say mayonnaise

it's mayonnaise quit saying it wrong oh yeah

mayonnaise mayonnaise mayonnaise mayonnaise hi

I'm here to see the doctor hi you're

Jim right yeah I'm Jim Reynolds god this

is so hot I'm sorry what's so hot

the fact that you have no idea who

I am you see the other day I

met Jerry oh no no no no no

no Jerry and I are two completely different

people god I'm tingling do you ever play

Canadian devils if you know what I mean

I have no idea what that means but

I hope that he wasn't too offensive he

kind of was hi Margaret Jim how are

you today all good why don't you just

go on back to room one the doctor

will be with you in a moment okay

it's nice to meet you bye Jim say

hello to Jerry for me I can't tell

you how exciting this is Linda it's not

exciting it's sad what must have happened in

that man's life to get him to this

point where he is so confused don't question

what works Marvit would you be attracted to

him if he didn't have this problem no

I wouldn't really be attracted to either of

them I mean one's obnoxious and one's just

dull it's like a malamar I don't particularly

like marshmallows or graham crackers but you smack

them together and then you got something okay

who's here it's me Jim oh good thanks

for coming in Jerry left me a note

on the palm of my hand go see

Becker and tell him he's an well there's

no call for that kind of language no

look Jerry and I had a little talk

you know he came in here and he

he told me that you hid the pills

from him he told you that that's ridiculous

what he's lying all right all right fine

well you know now that we know you're

willing to take the pills I've got an

idea you know why don't you come into

the office every morning and take one Jerry

will never know here as a matter of

fact why don't you take one right now

well right now yes right now well okay

no problem oh no what are you doing

come on I'm sorry I can't I mean

do you know what kind of side effects

these things have I mean ulcers internal bleeding

heart problems yeah they also cause irregular periods

are you worried about getting those too well

I am now see I'm sorry I'm way

over my head here I'm gonna call Dr.

Geary hey where the hell do you think

you're going yeah I told you the little

twit was lying come on Jerry how did

you get here who do you think drove

him what a spectacular waste of time hey

no I'm not through talking to you you

get back in here why are you yelling

at me look I told you I can't

take the pills did I tell you they

can also cause loss of hair you know

just take the damn pills you crazy bastards

oh come on what are you doing now

don't don't cry what Jim Jerry who am

I talking to here my name is Stephanie

and I'm this many years old all right

all right I'm sorry Stephanie here here sit

down look uh I I need a moment

are you gonna be all right here all

along yeah like you're all in love are

you okay no I'm not okay they're driving

me crazy oh they're both in there oh

brother what's the matter oh it's getting a

little crowded in room one what are you

talking about get Dr. Geary on the phone

we have a little problem who's in there

Jim or Jerry Stephanie Jim and Jerry have

had a child Dr. Becker I went into

room one and handled everything they'll be glad

to take the pills how'd you do that

easy I'm having tea with Jim on Friday

and going dancing with Jerry on Saturday but

right now I have to take Stephanie to

the zoo hey

hey what are you doing eating over here

well apparently when I sprinkle salt on my

food someone thinks it's too loud okay something

going on between you two I'm over here

because someone thinks my voice is so shrill

it could make a dog cry you know

you're two behaving like children but you're something

having recently had one of my own that

Bob knows a little about so what you

need to do is you need to find

some common ground find some little starting point

where the two of you can get together

and shut up there it is hey look

who's here wait a minute are you supposed

to be in school I just came in

to see if you have the money you

borrowed from me I need it for lunch

all right I forgot about that sorry man

there you go so uh you coming by

after school today depends is there any chance

we can go to the toy store what

are you gonna learn at the toy store

there's no life lessons there I thought we'd

take a tour of Waltree you know maybe

see the stock exchange and after that go

to an art gallery come on Bob come

on what would you rather go to Ellis

Island and learn about your ancestors I don't

want to learn about anything I want rollerblades

or a game boy what are you talking

about Scott that's what all the other kids

got okay listen here's how it works I

act pitiful you feel guilty then I get

something cool but I gave you something more

valuable what I gave you quality time a

hand to guide you through life the knowledge

of knowing that you'll never be alone that

Bob will always be here for you you

suck you okay Bob kids

they break your heart you work you sacrifice

give them the best you have to give

and then in the end they kick you

in the gut Bob it was just two

days goes by so fast you know Chris

I hate to say it but uh but

I think Bob had a point I mean

you really do have to get along yeah

you're right I have way too sensitive I

don't even remember how all this started it

was you saying okey-dokey look we like

each other we just have to learn to

deal with each other's little idiosyncrasies I say

mayonnaise you say mayonnaise big deal exactly friends

yeah friends oh good good I see everything's

calm here at the Mayo Clinic coffee please

we realize we're just being silly so we

just put that behind us yeah it doesn't

matter what anyone does we'll rise above it

and not let anything annoy us oh good

for you guys what you