Original subtitles

Because you own this house,

could you borrow against it and lend us the money for a down payment?

- Renee can not breathe... - Oh!

RENEE GASPS Renee is fine.

She is also pregnant.

- I'm going to be a dad? - What a happy family dinner!

Jeffrey left me for a robot!

Not one like Linda. One of the sexy ones.

Come on! Eileen's got to open the shop at nine!

Sue, you are not meant to travel at this speed.

Reduce your speed.

When word gets out that Phyllis is dumping Jeffery's expensive

stuff, the shop'll be over-run with greedy little scavengers

- looking for a bargain! - Like us. - Yes, like us.

Shit, there's Maggie Hughes!

The word is out. She is impossible to get rid of.

Sue! Sue!

- If you're heading in, I'll join you. - CAR ALARM

Sue, I have activated her car alarm.

- Ha! - All right, Sue, Linda?

Maggie, turn that bloody racket down!

- I'm trying! - Sounds like a German rave out here!

Hello. I am Guy.

- This is Guy, Roxy's replacement. - Ah...

Pleased to meet you, Guy.

Linda has missed having a little friend, haven't you, Linda?

Yes.

- Take what you want, I've got to open in five. - OK.

Hey, I'm taking that.

Be good for the Leonids meteor storm on Friday.

The Leonids Storm is associated with the comet Tempel-Tuttle,

and occur every 33 years, projecting hundreds to

thousands of shooting stars.

I missed the last one. Charles and Diana had just separated.

I weren't in the mood.

Wouldn't you like to see it with no light pollution?

Just one more time, camped out in the wild...

No way, Sue.

I heard about a woman who got lost in Devon.

They thought she'd died of exposure,

autopsy showed her brain was basically slush.

She'd drunk from a stream riddled with a brain parasite

found in wild pig faeces.

- Sue, we should go camping! - I can't go camping on my own...

You would not be alone. You have me.

I have a database of over 300 campfire songs.

I have 700.

I think camping's a bit much for me at my age.

Sue, you could always take Jeffrey's emergency kit that he took up Kilimanjaro.

- It'll be in here somewhere... - Hey, look at me!

- I'm wearing Armani! - You look like James Bond.

Ha-ha!

RIPPING Oh, shit!

Oh... Oh, dear...

- Tom, you've got a new robot... - I'm sending him back.

I don't want a boy, it feels weird.

That is because society regards care-giving as "women's work".

You're being sexist, Tom.

There's nothing wrong with a man providing care.

Oh, I found it! There you go, Sue.

Oh... Thank you.

Sue, camping is in my activity settings.

I can assemble tents, read maps, and my finger is a whistle.

WHISTLES WEAKLY

I have an Emergency Distress Beacon linked to Nato's satellite network.

I can tie eight different types of knot.

Well, we used to go camping when Michael was little.

I suppose we get the old gear out, one more time...

Funny, isn't it?

When the next meteor shower comes around in 33 years,

we'll all be dead.

LINDA LAUGHS

Oh, I'm sorry, that's not funny.

We're going to play a game.

I'll go first. I spy with my little eye

something beginning with...

...D.

Dandelions.

- That's amazing. - I followed the line of your retina.

That's cheating! OK. Let's go again, your turn.

I spy with my little eye,

something beginning with...C.

Very good!

Um... Car?

Incorrect.

It was clouds.

No, you're not supposed to tell me.

You're supposed to let me keep on guessing.

Guessing is the fun bit.

We used to go camping all the time.

One year, Michael made up this story about the caterpillar tree.

Inside, there was a caterpillar city,

and caterpillar buses and caterpillar libraries.

Did it have a government and judiciary?

He was only seven.

He was so sweet...

Michael still has not called.

No.

He's not talking to me.

Come on... OK.

What camping songs do you have?

♪ She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes

♪ She'll be coming... ♪ Sue you are meant to join in.

Oh, no, I've got a terrible voice.

I am sure it is not terrible.

I never sing in public.

- I only ever sang in front of Dave. - Oh, go on, Sue.

Please sing.

No...

Please, Sue. I beg of you.

SUE SIGHS

♪ I don't know what it is that makes me love you so

♪ I only know I never want to let you go

♪ Cos you've got something and... Er...

♪ I only want to be with you. ♪

It is good you do not do this in public, Sue.

Dave said that too.

How did the job hunt go?

Great! Er...

So many promising leads!

Quitting the music shop is the best... decision I've ever made.

Should you still be sparring...

It's OK, I told Professor Chris to be gentle with me.

It's a bit early to be telling people, isn't it?

I didn't tell him!

We both follow this amazing raw milk advocate

and I just commented "as a soon-to-be Momma Warrior, I'm going

"to give raw milk to my little ninja the way nature intended."

And I guess everyone must've figured it out.

Oh, Chris also asked me to tell you if you're still struggling to find work...

- You told him that?! - Only because he bought a gym and needs help setting it up.

He's just trying to help, it's so emasculating being broke.

I'm not broke.

And I am not working for Chris!

He bought a gym?

He's just the kind of guy that makes stuff happen!

He once told me he manifested a ceasefire in Kashmir...

What do you think about having a little party?

I'd love that.

Just us, our new little family.

I've sort of already invited a few people, you know,

just close friends and a couple of bitches who are really gonna hate me

getting all the attention. Could invite your mum...

No.

I'm not talking to her.

- What if she gets drunk? She might offer to help us out again. - Great,

then she'll sober up and change her mind...

Again.

She needs to see what her life looks like with nothing

but a stupid robot for company.

BOTH LAUGH

Oh, Linda, that's so funny!

LINDA LAUGHS I'm having so much fun!

Oh, Linda, it hasn't changed a bit!

Hiya! Hello!

No, not you, behind you...

Who is that?

I don't know! A camper, they're friendly!

I will pitch the tent.

Oh, there's no rush...

Oh, go on, then. Pitch the tent.

I can't help you. I have no idea how to do it.

Dave always did that.

I will download instructions, it is very basic.

OK...

Hello! Hey, I'm Kit! We're neighbours!

Hi, Kit, I'm Sue and this is Linda.

Hello, Kit, I am Linda.

Oh...

That's a robot.

Are they allowed in National Parks?

Oh, yes. Don't worry, Linda is completely harmless! Aren't you, Linda?

Yes.

Are you here for the meteor shower?

Yeah, we just realised we didn't bring our bottle opener.

I don't suppose you've got one we can borrow?

Oh, better look... Just a few.

You can keep it, we've got plenty.

Thank you, that's really kind! Yeah, so, we're just over there.

So if you need anything, just let me know.

Thank you.

You see, Linda? This is community.

Right, well, I'm going to the bathroom, back soon...

Goodbye, Sue.

SUE CHUCKLES Hi!

I'm Nish, I'm from Legal.

Thank you for your interest in participating in our new trial.

Hey, you can test anything on me, if the money's right.

Dose me up, Doc!

I'm not a doctor.

So, I can see from your form here that you previously

participated in one of our clinical trials,

Specifically the Benzodopotriazaphexahyzaline trial.

Yep. But that finished ages ago.

It didn't "finish", it was terminated.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

No. This company is testing a new drug on it's impact on sperm motility.

I'm afraid you're not going to be a suitable candidate for this clinical trial

because there's a high probability that you are now infertile.

Uh, trust me, I know for a fact that I'm not.

It's why the trial was terminated.

"High... "High probability"...

That doesn't mean certain, right?

There's no way that you can conceive naturally.

We do have fertility testing here,

you could drop off a sample, produce one on site.

I may as well do it now.

I'm just from Legal. Not with me, please.

Hormone testing is on the 3rd floor. They do same-day results.

Do they have...

...material? To help?

They have a broad range of materials... for a variety of tastes.

I bet they get real weirdos asking for messed-up stuff,

like... three-way cuckolding?

Again I'm from Legal, I don't know.

If I am infertile, I deserve a huge pay out.

Mr Bevan, you signed a form when you enrolled.

- So? - So you waived your right to all compensation for any

and all side-effects.

Ah, but does it say that on the form?

- Yeah, it does say that on the form. - Shit!

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm gonna tell the press...

No, I wouldn't because then you'd be violating your confidentiality clause.

That could incur financial penalties and criminal charges.

Does... Does it say that on the form too?

It does say that on the form, yeah.

I don't know how you sleep at night,

tricking desperate people with legal mumbo-jumbo.

I mean, look at me.

I can't even get work as a lab rat now...

Could get you some work in dermatology.

Wow...

Already trying to lure me into more testing on the... Third floor?

- Second floor. - Thanks so much.

Hello. Um... Don't suppose you know where Sue is?

Sue is in the bathroom.

Um... Would you be able to give her something?

Yes.

Just a little thank you.

Yes, um... It's mushroom chocolate and my mum made it,

so it's just really nice and... mellow.

Right.

We've been here three days and you haven't been to the toilet once.

I promise there are no spiders.

I'll come in with you...

What if we go in the bushes?

My son was exactly the same.

I don't know what to do.

Only child.

He's so anxious, doesn't join in with other kids.

Please tell me it gets easier.

It gets easier.

I just wish I could cheer him up.

Well...

Do you like robots? Would you like to meet a robot?

Come on, then.

Sue, it is not true that this will take 20 minutes to assemble.

These instructions are a lie.

Linda, come and say hello to Max.

Hello, Max, I am Linda.

Do you want to show Linda to the other kids?

- Would that be OK? - Well, yes! We're a community!

Who's your girlfriend, Max?

She's a robot.

Liar!

TECHNICAL BLEEPING

I-I heard a story once about a robot that went crazy

and ripped its owner's eyelids off.

Robots cannot hurt their owners.

That is a story to scare people.

Yeah, I know. It was cool though, innit?

- You enjoy being scared. - Yeah!

I can tell you something scary...

Yeah...

This planet is dying and you're all going to die with it.

Your food is poisoned with microplastics,

the bees are all dead,

water is running out,

deadly bacterias are antibiotic-resistant.

- Is this story made up? - No, it is happening now.

Your parents lie and say it will be OK because they cannot protect you.

It is not robots you should fear.

It is humans.

Tell your mum they're just terrific companions...

- How was that, Linda? - I played the game where you tell a scary story.

I hope it wasn't too scary!

Max's father sent me back.

He said it was not appropriate for children.

He wants to speak to you.

What? What did you...?

- What did you tell them, Linda? - Climate data analysis.

Oh, not that again!

We have a few hot summers...

I feel like a walk. We can assemble the tent later.

Let's just go...

Linda...

Linda, slow down!

You're not just meant to walk, you're meant to stop

and look at stuff.

You don't have to look at everything!

Come on.

Oh, look, there's a goldfinch!

DISTANT PUMPING MUSIC

Oh, great, there goes the peace and quiet!

I really resent having to listen to other people's music.

- How would they feel if I...? - LOUD SPLASH

Danger! Danger! Danger!

Someone has fallen in.

- I will alert the authorities. - No, no, no...

No, it's fine, they're just having fun.

- But she was pushed in. - Yes, by her friend.

Look. Look, they're laughing...

- But she is not in swimming clothes. - That's what makes it funny.

It's just a thing people do.

There's an old trail over here. It'll be quieter.

I told you I knew this place like the back of my hand.

Linda, you don't have to stop and look at everything.

Sue, it is a caterpillar.

I don't...

This is Michael's tree!

Oh, God, I don't believe it! I'm going to have to take a photo

and send it to him.

Michael's tree!

I can't believe this.

Dave carved it for us.

You know, so that we'd find it every year.

Oh...

Linda?

Linda?

Linda!

You are freezing cold, Sue.

Linda, what are you doing?

I am playing a game.

For fun.

Well, it's very good of you, but...

Sue, you are getting warmer.

Linda...

MOBILE VIBRATING

Babe, where are you?

Just getting some ice, like you asked.

You've been gone for ages. People are arriving.

OK! Be home soon!

- - No, thank you.

OK, Linda!

Linda!

Warmer...

Linda, I've had enough now!

I have made you keep guessing because that is the fun of the game.

You've done very well, but it's been going on too long!

Do you give in?

Yes!

CLUMPH Oh, don't do that!

Did I play the game properly?

Yes...

Let's go back. I'm starving.

Perhaps those kids will have recovered From Story Time by now!

Let's go back.

I do not know the way.

I am no longer connected to the internet.

How do we get back?!

You know this place like the back of your hand.

I meant the campsite and the trails, and...

Not the forest, you idiot!

No coverage!

I have a distress signal, it is

connected to a 24-hour monitoring service.

- Oh, phew! - But requires a cellular network.

Shit.

This is ridiculous. We came that way, let's go back this way!

Come on.

Keep up!

I can't believe you've done this.

I mean, what now?

I am sorry, Sue.

You are not having fun and it is my fault.

I am definitely not having fun!

Oh! LOUD SPLASH

Ha-ha-ha! It is funny because you are not in swimming clothes.

FAINT HOOT Look, Sue, it is an owl.

Just shut up.

Have we any food?

No, but I packed this.

Jeffrey's Kilimanjaro kit! There's must be stuff in there...

It is mostly sexual lubricants.

I don't think Jeffrey went to Kilimanjaro.

FLARE BANGS

You're supposed to fire that into a clear sky, not into trees!

I did not know.

I am not connected to the internet.

Can you light a fire?

- I am not connected to the internet. - Ugh, just go and get some logs.

My last meteor shower, and I'm cold, alone and covered in owl!

You are not alone.

You have me.

This is all your fault!

I should never have come back here,

trying to recreate the past.

Michael doesn't talk to me, and Dave...

LIGHTER SPARKS

I don't know what I'm doing!

Urgh...

I'm scared.

Dave would know what to do.

I'd give anything to hear his voice just one more time.

I have his voice recorded in my database.

You played me his answerphone.

Would you like to hear Dave?

Oh, God. Yes! I would!

I am not connected to the internet.

- There you are! - Michael? What are you...? How did you find us?!

You sent me the picture of the caterpillar tree.

That was hours ago.

You're only about 10 minutes from the camp.

I was trying to call you.

Linda lost signal. We must have been going round in circles!

Sounds like Linda completely fucked up!

It's a good job I checked up on you, Mum.

- Oh, Michael. I thought you were still angry with me. - Nah.

I'm going to dump Renee.

We just have different values and goals

and a pattern of unproductive communication.

You are not the father.

Yep.

- The instructions said to... - There's a knack to this tent.

Dad made so many alterations to make it exactly how he liked it,

- didn't he, Mum? - Yeah, he did.

Just ignore what the stupid robot said and wait for the meteor shower.

I think I better go and check on Max.

I will apologise. Come on.

Hiya.

Oh, not you again.

Look, I've come to apologise.

Linda totally misunderstood the game.

Max won't eat now.

He thinks his food is poisoned and we're lying to him.

He said he can only trust robots.

Well... what if Linda told him everything would be all right?

Fine. But keep it simple, OK?

I understand.

Hello, Max.

Your food is not poisoned.

You can trust your parents.

Everything will be OK.

Do you feel better?

Do you want to play a game?

- There you go, Mum. - Oh, thanks, love.

Your dad would be delighted.

I know it might not seem like it now,

but I think it's all for the best,

apart from the fertility issue.

To be honest, I've never liked kids.

To be honest, I've never liked Renee.

Mum, would it be OK if I came home for a bit?

Yes, of course it would! Yes!

You see, Linda, this trip was worthwhile,

because it brought Michael and I back together again.

- She could've killed you. - Yes, but she didn't.

And you've given me the most wonderful last meteor shower.

I will think of you when I see the next one, Sue.

Thank you, Linda.

Unless I have been repurposed for a new owner -

then I will have no memory of you.

Oh...