Original subtitles

Do you think I've got enough prawn cocktail crisps?

Michael loves prawn cocktail crisps.

Maybe I should go and grab another one, what do you think?

Sue, there is over 14,000 calories in this trolley.

Oh, yeah. It's just that Michael and Renee

being back together for the foreseeable future,

it's just important we get together for these nice family dinners.

- Sue! - Oh for f... - Sue!

Hello, Phyllis! Oh, gosh, that's a gorgeous dress!

- I know! It's my birthday today! - How old are you today?

Now, now, a lady never tells her age.

Your bone deterioration and muscle waste indicate you are...79.

I'm so sorry, Phyllis.

She's been malfunctioning lately.

Going somewhere special?

Jeffrey's booked out the golf club.

He's been very secretive. The whole family are pretending

they've forgotten, but they're up to something.

- Why don't you come? - Oh, sorry, I can't.

Michael and Renee are coming over.

Well, come afterwards. Or bring them too!

We'll be going on all night and Jeffrey never invites my friends!

Oh, look, there's Alison,

- Alison Farris. - SING-SONG: - Alison!

- - Alison! Ali...

Good God, honestly, poor soul, she's as deaf as a post.

SHE LAUGHS So you'll come?

- We'll see how we get on... - Wonderful! Sue...

...it is at the golf club, so wear something nice, won't you?

I've got to dash, I must buy some sunscreen.

I spied a suitcase, think I might be

in for a surprise birthday holiday.

I'll see you later.

I wonder what on Earth happened to Alison.

Did you see how she said that, "wear something nice"?

- Did you see that? - Yes, Sue, I saw that.

I've got plenty of nice outfits! I don't dress badly.

Do I dress badly, Linda?

No, Sue, you are a real Bobby Dazzler!

SUE CHUCKLES

Oh, hi, Alison!

Phyllis, Alison is here!

- Oh, Alison! - Oh, sorry...

No peeking now, close your eyes!

I do not need to close my eyes,

you can simply change my setting to... sightless.

Oh...

Sightless.

Oh, this dress, it was Dave's favourite.

Do you know what Dave said the first time he saw me in this dress?

- No. - He said, "I'm the luckiest man alive."

Dave thought you were a man.

No, you idiot.

Oh, forget it... Ta-ra!

Oh, my God!

Oh, um... Sight?

You will be the belle of Phyllis' ball!

Oh, I'm not going to Phyllis' stupid party.

I said, "We'll see how we get on," that means you're not going.

SUE CHUCKLES

- Ooh! - This dress has convenient holes for toileting.

Oh, my God!

Oh, no! This was Dave's favourite dress!

Dave wore this dress too?

Let me see what else I've got.

Moths have been at everything!

Maybe Phyllis has got a point. I haven't bought a new outfit

since before Dave was sick.

I will reverse image search Dave's dress and order same day delivery.

No, no, no, I don't do online shopping.

There's still time.

We can go out and buy something nice for tonight.

- But you do not like Renee. - I can't stand her!

That's why it's very important we have a nice family dinner.

So she can ram that up her hole!

Search "nice family dinners".

He's a useless coward. If he does come at you, just kick him.

Go on.

Hello, Michael.

What do you want, Keith?

I have some bad news - today is your last day here.

- What? - I am sorry, but Mark feels...

"you aren't the right fit with the culture of this workplace".

Mark? What the shit?

But as one door closes, another door opens.

Fine... Fine. I'll finish up my shift, and then I'll go,

- because I'm a professional, Mark! - It is effective immediately.

Please, can I just stay till 11? Renee's just said she's dropping by.

I can't look like some complete loser who's just lost his job

to some dickless robot.

Mark!

Yeah, well, this is a stupid job, I didn't want it anyway.

Michael, could you please step off the property?

- Piss off, Keith. - All right, you don't speak to my staff like that!

- Hi! - Balls. OK, Mark, yeah, you got it, mate!

- I mean it, Michael. - I know you do! Ha-ha, he's so funny,

it's like working with Jimmy Carr.

Wow! This is amazing!

It's for your mum.

It's from the Australian jungle, so it has forest immunities

and like good bacterias that date back literally millions of years.

- Where are we going? - Hm?

Oh. Um... We're going to have to put it in the car.

Mark's just banned social visits in the shop.

He's such a controlling prick!.

You just said he was funny.

Well, like most comedians, he's got a dark side.

I've actually been thinking a lot about quitting.

- But no more surprise visits, OK? - LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Seriously, don't just... Don't just drop in.

- OK? - Yeah, all right.

My 11am just cancelled,

so I thought I'd get something really special for your mum.

I just... I don't know why I'm nervous.

We're just going to ask her for money, not a vital organ.

Exactly. And you're so great with people.

Being a people person is a really big part of my job.

I treat the whole person.

I inspire them, I encourage them, I uplift them.

Otherwise, the fat fucks just give up.

- Like Gillian. - Who's Gillian?

My 11am.

"Family bereavement", my arse!

As if she didn't think I'm going to check her social media!

- Lying is... so pathetic. - See you after work?

Yep!

Time for me to inspire.

Gillian? It's me, Renee.

Just checking you're OK. Oh, quick question...

Do you enjoy being a tubby little liar with no discipline?

I've seen the pictures, Gillian.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you want to be a big fat balloon? Are you eating?!

I know you're eating, I can hear it. Spit it out!

HOOVERING

I'm here!

Hello, Phyllis.

Well, this is all very intriguing.

This place looks pretty deserted.

Well, I wanted somewhere quiet...

- ...and neutral. - Quiet and neutral?

Oh, Jeffrey!

Switzerland? I knew you were planning something!

- For my birthday. - Oh...

OK...

Very funny!

Where is everybody?

- It's just us. - Oh, sure, what, everyone has...

Everyone has forgotten...

...my fucking birthday? Are you joking?

I remember everyone else's stupid birthdays!

- I can't even... - You know what, let's do this another day.

Do what? I mean, what on earth are we "doing" in here?

Right, OK.

Good.

Ahem.

Someone once said "that he heart wants what it wants".

- That was Woody Allen. - Was it?

Yes, he said it when he married his daughter!

Oh... I didn't know he said it.

But he makes a valid point.

- About incest? - It's not incest, if the person's adopted.

- Yes, it is. - I don't want to talk about Woody Allen.

- You're the one quoting him. - And the point of the quote

is that love and attraction are unpredictable.

Look, if you and Kristen are back on again,

- I really couldn't care less. - It's not, Kristen.

Fine. Kristen, Polly, Dee-dee...

- I've always been realistic about... - It's not a woman.

CAR HORN

Oh... That was...

...so uncomfortable, my back is killing me.

Do you want a baby or not? My ovulation window is closing.

Hey...

That outfit is great, Mum's going to love it.

Just wait until she finds out we're going to make her a grandmother.

Do you think we should mention that?

I mean... We've only just started trying.

Oh, my God, Michael, people announce it!

TTC, Trying To Conceive.

One of my clients had a TTC reveal party,

she served yellow cocktails with ovulation pee sticks in them!

- What did she serve for semen? - Don't be so gross, Michael.

Sorry.

I just don't want to get Mum's hopes up, what if it takes a while?

If you're going to ask for this sort of money,

you either have to be dying or producing a grandchild.

And believe me, when you tell people you're dying,

they ask for all sorts of supporting evidence.

Let's just not say anything until we're pregnant.

It's a lot of pressure.

Well, guess what, I don't crack under pressure.

I have a tendency to.

- Shall we do it again? - Oh...

I think those hikers are watching.

People can watch bukkake on their phones 24/7,

no-one's going to wanna watch your hairy arse pumping away in a lay-by.

Aw!

- I definitely think they're watching. - Just block it out and focus!

Argh...

MUSIC PUMPING

Sue, can I see?

- No. - But I have not seen any of the outfits.

I look bloody awful!

Sue, can I see? Sue, can I see?

- Is everything OK here? - No.

Sue looks bloody awful!

OK, there is a queue.

Yes. It is a long queue.

It's just that you have had this cubicle for a long time.

Is there a time limit?

No.

What is it that you are asking?

Linda, come in here I need some help!

Oh, God! I'm thirsty!

Why is it so bright in here?

Why is there hair in the corner?

It's like walking on a barber shop floor!

Oh...

Every dress looks bloody awful!

But we have been in four shops, Sue,

and all the dresses were close matches to Dave's favourite dress.

Ladies, can you vacate this cubicle, please?

Yep, OK...

It's just that I...

I look in the mirror and I just see this old woman staring back at me.

Sue, the old woman is you.

I know it's me!

I-I-I should get home.

I've got to start cooking.

At least I can still prepare a decent roast!

But you have not found a special dress.

I'm never going to find another special dress.

I'm serious, out of the cubicle now.

Fine. We're leaving.

All your dresses are bloody awful!

Sorry about this, we were a bit delayed.

Dinner will be a while...

Don't apologise, we're family, for Christ's sake!

- The plant was Renee's idea! - It's...

...very big.

Thank you.

I know how you love gardening, Mum.

It's flown in directly from Australia,

so it has ancient immunities and healing bacterias, right, babe?

Yes, a lot of our sicknesses are caused

because we don't live in nature anymore.

So proximity to old forests can cure things like arthritis and cancer.

Oh...

Is that true, Linda?

No.

Boy, am I looking forward to your roast, Mum!

Yeah, me too, I'm absolutely starving, Mum!

Well, I did put it in a little late.

Have some crisps. They're your favourites.

I better not. Um... They're full of...

- What was it, babe? - Acrylamide. - Acrylamide.

Don't get me wrong, they are delicious!

But apparently crisps are as toxic as drinking four litres of sick.

- Is that true, Linda? - No.

MUNCHING Mm!

So all this

- Is full of this... acrylamide. - Acrylaminde, yeah, actually.

Mm-mm!

Oh, this is silly.

Mm!

Mm, delicious!

Would you like another one?

Oh, yes. Come on, have another one, Renee!

Yeah...

I'm just trying to be a bit mindful of my diet...

...because we're trying for a baby!

STARTS LAUGHING

Pardon?

Yeah, that's true. We're trying to get pregnant.

And we wanted you to be the first to hear the official announcement!

CLAPS Sit down, Linda.

Trying isn't an official announcement...

Well, it's... It's a thing people announce.

Renee, I detect a smell that indicates you

and Michael attempted procreation this afternoon.

Yes, in a lay-by.

I'm going to check on the roast.

Would you prefer I did not watch?

Ooh!

- Mm... - Linda, I need some help out here.

We said we weren't going to say anything!

I had to do something!

It's going really badly

and you're just sitting there with your thumb in your arse!

Hey! I ate a crisp!

You need to get your head in the game. Your mum still hates me.

Babe... She doesn't hate you.

I hate her!

He's going to get her pregnant,

and if they get pregnant then that's permanent!

What is he thinking?

How long's that chicken gonna need?

She already broken his heart once.

That boy was a mess last time she dumped him.

- The chicken needs... - I'll have to say something.

He's making the biggest mistake of his life!

- The chicken needs... - But if I say more than I've already said, then I risk losing him!

- The chicken needs... - I don't want to risk the only family I've got.

- The chicken needs... - Not eating prawn cocktail crisps?!

- The chicken needs... - He's forgotten who he is!

- The chicken needs... - He's forgotten who she is!

He needs his memory jogged!

The chicken needs 68 more minutes.

Oh, God!

OK. Put it back in...

- Smells great in there, Mum! - Yes, won't be long...

The chicken needs 68 more minutes.

I might just snack on some turkey jerky.

I always keep protein handy.

So, we were talking, and we have a second official announcement.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

If we have a boy, we're going to call him David. After David.

CLAPS Sit down, Linda.

Any more official announcements?

Actually, um...

We've been looking at flats, and we saw the perfect place,

- we love it... - That's quite a financial commitment.

Your dad and I only just finished paying for this.

Well, I was thinking,

because you own this house, could you borrow against it

and lend us the money for a down payment?

Sue, it is a bad idea to borrow against this property.

- You stay out of this, Linda. - Hang on.

- Why? - Borrowing against this house will place you over the pension threshold.

- You will have no income. - Mum, we can come to some sort of arrangement...

There are other risks. If Renee has intercourse outside of the marriage again...

- Linda! - Exactly, and she will.

Oh, my God, not this again!

We've... We've been through therapy, we've worked through this,

we just want to start our lives and all you do is criticise!

You just keep pulling us back and insulting Renee.

- Michael... - What? - Renee cannot breathe.

Huh? GASPING

Oh, shit!

Rest assured, Michael,

I will remove the obstruction,

and then we will have a nice family dinner.

Hurry up, Linda!

- Oh, my God! Breathe! Breathe! - Time is of the essence.

Breathe!

Um... Er...

GASPING FOR BREATH

- Babe, are you OK? - Yeah, I think so.

- Linda hit me really hard. - Would you feel better if I apologised?

Don't apologise, you've just saved her life!

Renee is fine.

She is also pregnant. Renee is in the family way!

What a happy family dinner!

Oh, wow!

Oh, my God!

I'm gonna be a dad? My junk does work!

We're definitely going to need help for a mortgage now!

We'll talk about that another time.

Mum, you haven't... You haven't said anything.

Congratulations. It's very exciting.

Especially if Michael is the father!

God damn it, Linda!

Mum, switch her off!

This is a really important family moment and she's ruining it!

I'm not switching her off, because she hasn't said anything wrong!

OK...

Wow!

Let's go, babe.

- What's this? - That is a picture of Sue and I on a rollercoaster.

Enjoy your new family, Mum.

Goodbye, Michael! DOOR SHUTS

It's just you, me and the baby from now on, OK?

I've got no-one!

I can't believe Mum's done this.

At least you've got a mum.

You... You do too.

When did I say I didn't? God, don't twist my words!

Sorry. I'm just feeling emotional.

You're emotional?

I just got assaulted by a robot. Then I literally died

and then I came back to life as a mother!

Yeah.

And I'm a father!

I never said you weren't. Stop twisting my words, Michael!

Sorry. Sorry, Renee.

KNOCKING AT DOOR

Oh...

- Oh, Phyllis! - Ah...

I'm sorry I didn't make your party, I was going to call you.

Are you busy?

Yes.

PHYLLIS CHUCKLES Great.

Oof.

Christ!

What's with the tree?

Oh... Michael and Renee bought it.

Well, you missed an incredible party!

All of my friends were there, my gorgeous children,

My stunning grandchildren, my whole family just made this...

...huge effort.

Sounds great.

In 48 years of marriage, do you know how many stupid birthday

cakes I've baked for my husband and children and grandchildren?

137 stupid birthday cakes.

Shut up, Linda, you slut!

Oh, so has Michael made you a grandmother yet?

- Looks that way. - Well, just tell his wife

they can't keep their hands off you when you're young with perky tits.

But give it time, he'll soon be balls deep in a robot!

Do you think Dave would've screwed a robot?

- My Dave? - Mm. - God, no!

Oh, lucky you, you'll never have to test that theory.

- I think we need to get someone to take you home. - No, no, no, wait, wait.

- I'm sorry. - No, go be a revolting drunk at your own party!

There was no party.

My whole family completely forgot.

And, um... All the people I invited didn't come,

they said "we'll see how we get on"...

That means they are not coming.

But Jeffrey, he said he'd got the golf club.

Oh, Jeffrey's left me for a robot!

Not one like Linda, one of the sexy ones.

I'm so sorry. I...

Well...

Renee and Michael just came round to borrow some money.

You are both disappointed by your terrible families.

Yup.

I mean, spent months choosing this dress.

I thought today was going to be perfect.

Phyllis...

...it's a lovely dress.

I can't even choose a new dress that makes me feel special

since Dave died.

Right...

It's yours.

Hang on...

No, Linda, no. Keep your clothes on.

There we go.

Thank you!

Do you know? You've got fabulous cheekbones.

OVEN TIMER The chicken is ready.

Thank you. Linda, bring more wine.

We're going to give Phyllis a proper birthday party.

Yes...

I think it's exciting! I love being a grandmother!

You get a second chance to get it right.

I mean, I am a much better grandmother than I am a mother.

Just enjoy it.

- You really think so? - Just make it up with him.

Otherwise you'll miss out, and I mean, what else are you gonna do?

I mean, really?

You're right. You're right. I'm gonna... I'm gonna phone him...

Yeah, call him! Call him now.

MUSIC PLAYING Linda, just...

Sshh! MUSIC STOPS

No, answerphone. Hello, Michael, it's Mum.

I'm really sorry I spoilt your big moment.

You're going to be a dad. And Renee's gonna be a mum.

And marriages are messy...

They are a bit shit.

And, well, yeah, families can let you down.

So my point is...

...I'm going to do it.

- Do what? - Sue, your judgement is impaired.

I'm going to downsize and free up some money!

Yay!

All right, love you, love you, bye!

All's well that ends well...

Sue, this is an illogical decision.

He's my son, he's my only family and I love him no matter what.

Here's to our stupid families!

Linda, play party music! PARTY MUSIC PLAYS

Come on, Sue.

Let's have a boogie.

According to money saving expert Martin Lewis,

this is a high-risk venture with a low-probability of success.

You are facing financial ruin.

This is no moment for levity.

♪ Come on, Eileen

♪ Come on, Eileen

♪ Poor old Johnny Ray

♪ Sounded sad upon the radio

♪ Moved a million hearts in mono... ♪