Original subtitles

LOUD SCREAM

- - "This week, the contestants have to prove why

"they should become Lord Sugar's business partner."

Her eyes are terrifying.

She scared the shit out of me this morning,

but she's completely fixed my neck.

It was the perfect opportunity to correct your C7 nerve compression.

I thought you were going to kill me.

I'd never kill you, Sue.

Aw.

You should have told me you were coming round

because I'd have got some food in.

We just wanted to say hi,

and see how things were going with Linda.

And also...

...it's kind of a big day.

- Renee is... - I'm being awarded my brown belt in BJJ!

Congratulations, Renee!

It's a really big deal.

It means I can start coaching students.

And, you know, Chris even said that I can instruct without him there.

A-Are you still training with Chris?

I can't stop him teaching in the gym.

- What am I meant to do? - Change instructors?

Wow. That's pretty controlling.

In case you're lost, Linda, Chris is the instructor Renee

was having an affair with.

Oh, dear, poor Michael.

How humiliating.

I-I-I'm fine.

Where is Chris now?

I don't know. He's probably with his family.

With his mother and father?

No. With his wife and kids.

Was it just a fling for Chris?

A bit of how's your father, a knee trembler, a bit on the side...

J-J-Just shut up, Linda. We've dealt with all of this.

My family are coming to see me get awarded my new belt

and we're all going to go for dinner afterwards.

Can you come, too?

I can't today, sorry.

Why, Sue?

Because we're busy.

What are we doing today, Sue? We don't do anything.

Tomorrow, nothing.

Thursday, nothing.

Friday, nothing.

We're definitely doing something.

Don't worry. It's fine.

I just wanted the whole family there because it's taken me

three years to achieve this.

Perhaps a joke would lighten the mood. A rabbi, a Boy Scout

and a showgirl are on a crashing plane...

Do you know what? W-We should actually be going.

I've got a client at nine.

Good to see you again, Sue.

Likewise.

I know you don't really like Renee, but pretending you're busy...

I'm not pretending.

Oh, come on. Busy doing what?

You don't even have a job. You've NEVER had a job!

My job was raising you

and caring for your father.

Renee's whole family is going to be there.

I just wanted you there, too.

Because a brown belt represents dedication,

mastery of technique and true leadership.

- Because a brown belt represents... - Dedication. - ...dedication...

...mastery... of technique and true leadership.

Yeah?

Fancy thinking I don't do anything!

What are we doing now, Sue?

Don't know. Might buy some sausages.

All because I never had a job.

My family was my job and I did it very well, thank you very much!

I'm not useless!

Hey, Eileen, are you OK?

Tom's got food poisoning.

He ate a bag of rancid potpourri,

stupid berk. Thought they were vegetable crisps.

- Oh, is he OK? - Yeah,

he's just thick as shit. He was supposed to work today

so I could go to my Aunt Shelley's birthday party.

- Your aunt? - Yeah. She's 108.

I'm cancelling this taxi.

She'll be so disappointed.

I'm sorry.

I wish there was something I could do.

Well, actually, maybe I COULD help.

LAUGHS

I mean, um, you're injured, Sue.

It's a charity shop, not the World Cup.

Have you ever worked in a shop?

Well, I've seen you do it 1,000 times.

Tom can do it, and you just said he's as thick as shit.

And I've got Linda.

Yes.

Sue, it will be like the shop challenge on The Apprentice.

I can do this.

And if it works out, then I can come and help you in the shop.

The lock can be a bit dicky.

Oh, and there's a shelves delivery at midday.

All you've got to do is be in the shop, really.

OK.

You're not going in one of those driverless things are you?

Course not. They're deathtraps.

HORN TOOTS BRAKES SQUEAL

- All right, Eileen? - Yeah!

Hi, Sue!

Hi, Brian! I didn't know you were still a...

I mean, I thought you'd retired.

- Retire? No, not me. - Oh, good for you.

Bloody good show, I say.

Eileen, for God's sake, wear your seat belt.

Relax. Brian's been driving me

around in this shit heap for nearly 40 years.

And I've only been sober for the last five.

EILEEN LAUGHS See you, love.

CREAKING

Linda, I haven't had a job since before Michael was born.

Do you think that'll be a problem?

Yes.

Great.

FALTERING GUITAR RIFF

RIFF STARTS AGAIN

DOOR OPENS Hi.

Are you angry?

No. No, I'm not angry.

Why can't you train with another instructor?

Professor. Because Chris is brilliant.

He came third in the Wessex Open.

What, is that a big competition?

It's the Wimbledon of BJJ.

I know you've got a lot of trust issues, but so do I.

If anything, you pushed me into cheating

by spending so much time away.

I was with my mum because my dad just died!

We can spend all day trying to figure out who did what.

- You had an affair. - And I ended it.

Because I love you.

If anything, my affair was the best thing I ever did for us.

Oh, t...

T-Take that down.

I'm a personal trainer, OK?

BJJ is where I meet my PT clients.

More people come to class, more clients for me.

Chris is actually a really sweet guy.

A really sweet guy? After you two...

PLAYING STOPS

PLAYING CONTINUES

PHONE CLICKS

MOBILE ALERT

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

That's really vulgar.

Still coming to my presentation?

I-I don't know.

I'm just really busy today.

- There's nothing to be scared of. - I'm not scared of that knobhead!

Please don't tell him I said that.

Shit, you're going to tell him I said that.

D-Do you know what? I don't care if you tell him.

Please don't tell him.

I've got to go.

I really want you there.

PLAYING STOPS

Can I try the Gibson?

Oh, what?

The vintage Gibson Super 400?

Do you have £13,000?

SCOFFS - No. - Then, no.

- - Loser. - Dickhead!

DISCORDANT STRUMMING

This job is a piece of piss.

I don't know why Eileen was acting like it was some big deal.

There are many, many copies of this man's books.

And technically he's a giant.

Help me with this, will you? We're clearing out the loft.

Madelaine's pregnant! We're going to be grandparents, again,

so you know what that means.

It means that, when Madelaine was ovulating,

a male sexual partner ejaculated inside her vagina.

It means more sleepovers!

- Oh, yes, that makes sense. - Ah, yes.

Oh! What kind of fur is this?

Now that is real silk monkey.

I'm only giving it away because Madelaine says it makes me

look like a lady of the night.

I think Linda might look lovely in it.

Let's see.

- Hmm. - The monkey pelt matches my wig.

HE LAUGHS She is wonderful, isn't she?

You can't buy those now you know -

- they've been hunted to extinction. - Oh.

Sue, stand back. There is a live firearm.

HE LAUGHS Stick 'em up!

THEY BOTH LAUGH

No, that's from when Jeffery used to smoke.

It's a cigarette lighter.

It is a joke.

Beautiful and funny. A real rarity.

Right then. Come on, Jeffery.

Thank you for the donations.

Oh! What, you're working here?

- Yes, I am. - Aw!

Well, I think it's terrific that you're trying to learn

a new skill - at your age.

We're the same age.

Good job you've got your little robot friend to help you!

Everything I touch turns to sold.

Jeffery!

Why does everybody think I can't do this?

Nobody ever comes in this shop.

I'm not surprised.

Linda, come and help me.

Penny did it.

Michael.

GRUNTS AND STRAINS

Michael? Michael!

Hmm? Oh, sorry I can't help with the amps.

I've pinched a nerve in my G8.

Look, I just want to give you a heads up - I'm reducing your shifts.

- Why? - Well, when you left...

I-I didn't leave.

I had a full nervous breakdown when my marriage fell apart.

Yeah, you made that very clear.

Anyway, I-I'm making some changes.

There's a new employee starting next week.

Mark, Mark. I really appreciate you taking me back.

It's the least I could do after you threatened me

with legal action under the Mental Health Act.

Yeah, true.

Well, it will not happen again.

Me and Renee, we're in a really good place now.

Gosh, that's wonderful, I'm really rooting for you guys.

- I'm going to move the rest of the amplifiers. - Mark, Mark.

I know it's a big ask, but, um,

could I finish early today?

I don't know. If you go, who's going to stare at the bin?

FORCED LAUGH

Does that mean I can?

- Sure. - You're the best. Can I go NOW?

Honestly, it makes very little difference

whether you're here or not.

- - Thank you so much.

Thanks, Mark!

DING

Our first customer.

I suppose I should go and speak to them.

Yes, Sue, you should speak to them.

Why am I so nervous?

It's not difficult.

According to Lord Sugar's autobiography,

the best way to meet people is to smile and ask a question.

Right.

Hello.

How much do you weigh?

What?!

- She means... - Do you enjoy the music of Tina Turner?

Yes, I do, actually.

How much is this bag?

Let me check that for you.

Er... shall we say £10?

£10! It's a deal!

It's a deal.

I'll give you seven.

Eight.

- Eight. - Yes!

Thank you! LAUGHS

Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Oh! That was intense.

I thought to myself, "She is definitely going to bid seven."

So I thought, "OK, Sue, don't blink

"and keep your head on a swivel!"

Oh...

Thank you.

Enjoy your bag.

- Thank you. - Bye.

Linda, here's our next customer!

Oh, the delivery's here.

You look after this lovely lady, give her everything she needs,

and I'll be back in a minute.

Hello.

Do you enjoy the films of Guy Ritchie?

Y-Yes. Yes.

DING

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Thank you, Linda, you take that.

Linda, do you have the key?

I do not have the key.

I told you stay in the shop.

Would you feel better if I apologised?

Linda, door, open.

BANGS DOOR

It is still locked.

Well, don't you have one of those universal key things

- on your finger or something? - No.

- Sue, do you have your phone? - Oh, yes. Yes. I have.

Search locksmiths in your area.

No!

No-one need know about this.

There must be some way of getting in.

It's a charity shop for God's sake, not Alcatraz.

- Linda, can you climb? - Yes, Sue, I can climb.

Good. I want you to climb up that drainpipe, get through that

open window, go downstairs and let me in through the front door.

Go!

Can you go quicker?

Eileen'll be home any minute.

She hates parties.

- - ♪ Happy birthday, dear Shelley

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

BANG

Warning, Sue.

I am descending rapidly.

Oh...

The drainpipe is now broken.

Damn it, Linda!

Sue, you are getting very stressed.

Cos you're not being any help!

Sue, I am struggling to see what you have brought to the table.

Somebody must live on that floor up there.

We must be able to get their attention.

Grab a pebble and we... GLASS SMASHES

Oh!

You're here!

Of course I am.

I told you I'm not scared.

But I'm not going to talk to him.

And I'm not going to call him professor.

All right, well, you're really early -

I don't get awarded my belt until after class.

Yeah, I got off early.

Cos I-I realised

that I've never watched you train.

That's really unsupportive.

Are you here to keep an eye on me?

No.

Cos it's kind of sexy, if you are.

- Really? - Mmm.

Yes. Yes! You are MY woman!

- What? - Sorry.

Hey, guys.

Professor Chris.

So good to see you.

Professor Chris.

Please, call me Chris.

So... you're finally going to train with us, huh?

I'd give you, like, six months free.

- Least I can do. - For having sex with my wife?

Yeah.

See, Michael, I told you - it's cool.

Yeah, you know, I get a good workout in the shop.

Lifting amps, guitars.

Ah, that's a pretty sweet gig, man.

You know, I play a bit myself.

Oh, what have you got?

I'm a bit of a Gibson nut.

I just splashed out on another Super 400.

Oof. Such a rich tone.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Lola drives me everywhere now.

She knows all my phone's passcodes.

We're doing a lot of intimacy rebuilding.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, so are we.

- Are we? - Yes.

Ah, man, you and me...

...we're no different.

We're men. Nature designed us to hunt,

conquer and, if necessary...

...kill.

Right, Mike?

Yeah. CAR HORN BLARES

Looks like the boss wants me to keep moving.

See you in there.

- Oss! - Oss!

Oh, after you.

Are my champions ready to sweat?!

- - Oss! - Oss!

OK, good.

Today is a big day.

We've got a few warriors ready to graduate to their next belt.

It's a massive achievement.

But first, we train!

- - Oss!

Now, we're going to start with a warm-up that focuses

on opening out the hips. Can I borrow...

...Renee? This stretch is brilliant

for hamstring and hip mobility.

Renee, can you please lay down?

OK, can you raise your left leg?

Now we're going to scoop with our bicep right under the hamstring.

Like this. And breathe out.

- Yeah? - Yeah. It feels really good. - Good.

And now the other leg.

Scoop, push.

Good. You know, your hips have really opened up

- since we started working together. - Thank you.

OK, everyone.

HE CLAPS Let's go!

Oh, God, here she comes.

I feel like an idiot.

You are not an idiot.

I have assessed your problem-solving and cognitive function.

You have an IQ of between 119-122.

Am I a genius?

- Absolutely not. - Oh.

At the end of the day, people have to realise,

if you travel, bedbugs are the price you pay.

- All right, Sue? - Hiya.

Oh, I need some more customer reviews.

Preferably ones above the two stars I'm getting at the moment.

- Would you mind? - Yeah, yeah, whatever. - Lovely.

Oh, and don't mention I got lost and had four pints at lunch.

Or that I ran out of petrol

and we had to walk the last 2km. OK?

- Bye, Sue. - What you doing out here?

- Got locked out. - You idiot!

It's all right. I've got a spare set.

Don't worry.

At least you got the delivery.

Yeah.

We got the delivery,

and then it was stolen.

- Oh. - After we broke the drainpipe.

- Oh. - And then we smashed a window.

- Oh. - We went round the back

to try and break in and that's

when the delivery was stolen.

I take full responsibility for the failure of this task.

But we did dress the window.

How was the party?

Oh, pretty depressing.

But it meant a lot to Auntie Shelley that I showed up.

I am the only family she has left.

- Sue, that is like you and Michael. - She didn't want to be alone today.

That is like you and Michael.

And if you can't count on family...

That is like you and Michael.

I-I'm sorry, Eileen, would you mind if I left work early today?

Only there's somewhere I need to be.

I think it's best you go, yeah.

Oh, and what do you think about me working here?

God, no!

APPRENTICE THEME PLAYS You are missing out on a massive

opportunity by firing Sue.

I never hired her.

You'll regret this!

This isn't the last you'll hear of Sue!

Bloody robots!

OK, everyone, gather round.

I want us to work on some self-defence today.

I want you to imagine it's late at night.

You're in Tesco doing a quick shop.

You're buying milk, cereal...

Some potatoes?

Excellent. Well done, Renee.

Some basil?

No.

You're leaving the shop...

...and someone comes at you.

Elliott.

OK, Elliott, I want you to come at me.

Tss!

Come at me like a man.

Well done, Elliott.

Great effort for your first class.

HE SCOFFS

You all right, Mike? Hmm?

Yep! Yeah!

Sounded like you said something.

Nope.

Good. OK, then. Everyone.

It just looked a bit unfair.

Because Elliott looks like a dipshit loser?

Let me tell you something - every person who puts on a uniform

and joins this class has my total respect.

They're all warriors.

They don't sit on the sidelines.

OK! Yes! Everyone, welcome Michael!

Hi, everyone.

- Hi, Chris. - It's Professor.

Out there, it's Chris. It's...

In here, it's Professor.

It's all right. You'll get the hang of it! Have a seat.

OK, the basics.

- Argh! - Can you all see that, no matter what he does,

he cannot break this hold?

If I exert a little more pressure...

Argh! Professor Chris, please, that really hurts!

Really hurts.

Linda, do something.

What would you like me to do, Sue?

Stop him!

Yes, Sue.

Please get off Michael.

I will get off Michael once he breaks this hold!

Please get off Michael.

Gun! SCREAMING

It is a joke. It is a joke.

Robots.

Taser! Taser! Taser!

Argh! CRACKLING

Jeffrey said the joke is humorous

because it appears to be a live firearm.

This is all Jeffrey's fault.

Renee worked for years to get this belt!

This was meant to be her day.

You could've killed him.

I used a low amperage.

And, I didn't need its help.

I was just about to smash his ass!

L-Let's go, babe.

I'll talk to you later, Mum. CAR CHIRPS

But you need to keep your robot under control!

I'm still good at my job.

Yes, you are, Sue.

In fact, you are very good.

Thank you, Linda.

We are talking about your job as a mother.

That's right, Linda.

Not your job in the charity shop.

No.

Because that was a complete shitshow.

TOY PLAYS TUNE

Wow!

We really do have a lot of Richard Osman books.