Original subtitles

We all worry about looking after our loved ones as they get older,

but at Querrick Medical,

we've developed a diverse range of compassionate,

reliable and attentive care support humanoid workers

to offer round-the-clock home care

at an affordable monthly subscription.

Each robot is unique, whilst meeting British robot safety standards.

And if your loved one would feel more comfortable

with a familiar face,

we have a variety of robots who look identical to beloved personalities.

Haven Comfort - for companionship, independence...

...and peace of mind.

Terms and conditions apply.

We do not take responsibility if the robot attacks or disfigures you.

I'm sorry, darling. Take your dirty foot off the bed.

You're fortunate it's just a sprained wrist,

cos a fall at your age...

Didn't fall.

I fainted.

I've had low blood pressure faints the whole of my life.

Well, you're lucky like plucky

you never smash your head on the corner of the coffee table,

or land teeth-first on the iron doorstep,

or fall down the marble staircase.

What, the marble staircase in my two-bed terrace?

The home environment can be lethal at your age, you know.

Hey! Don't joke with it.

Now, in terms of recovery, you're going to need help.

You live with anybody?

Yeah. I live with my son, Michael, and he should be here any minute.

Is it?

Well, he's taking a long time.

Look, love...

...does Michael really exist?

- Mum! - Oh, Michael! Where the hell have you been?

Um...

- How did you fall? - I fainted.

And apparently I'm very lucky

I didn't fall in a fire or a hornet's nest!

You can pick up her pain relief prescription at the reception.

Look what me have for you.

SHE CHUCKLES

If she's going home, I'm going home.

Mr Thomas!

We cannot send you home 'pon your own,

and if you won't go into assisted living...

I don't belong in a care home!

I mean, look at me.

I can lift a bed!

HE STRAINS

Oh, what a backside.

Lyle!

Here we are.

All right.

PHONE VIBRATES

Oh, I've just got to take this.

You go through to the kitchen.

It's just about the, er...

The broadband, the, um...

The gigabyte, the, um...

The transponder!

Lovely.

Hello, babe.

Yes, I'm home.

No, I haven't told her yet.

She's just had a fall.

I'm not delaying it. It's just...

It's just a difficult conversation to have.

That's hurtful.

I'm not a nappy-wearing, breast-fed emperor baby.

Mum.

I don't like to pester.

Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry.

I just haven't had time to plant it.

- I got it... - I know, I know.

- August 16th. - Yeah.

It doesn't seem like two years, does it?

He's still everywhere. SHE CHUCKLES

It's called a David Rose.

- That's why I chose it. - I will get round to it, I promise.

I want you to know that I know how lucky I am that you're here.

Going through this alone would just be awful.

SHE CHUCKLES

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

OK. Um...

So I was late picking you up because

I was with, um...

...Renee. I was with Renee.

She's changed. She's getting therapy.

She's getting therapy

because she cheated on you with her karate instructor?

Yes.

She's making real inroads with that.

And it's BJJ, Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

Well, as long as you don't do anything stupid,

like move back in with her.

Oh, you berk!

I still love her, Mum.

How can you be sure she isn't still cheating on you

with her karate instructor?

She told me.

And...

...it's Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

It's a lot more lethal than karate.

I'm 42.

I'm not meant to be with my mum on a Saturday night,

watching Michael McIntyre.

You were cackling at Michael McIntyre's jokes

about buffets. Cackling!

I'm sorry. I didn't realise you were having such a bad time!

Mum.

I can't just leave my wife

and look after you the way you looked after Dad.

That is very different!

- Your dad was very, very sick. - PLATE SMASHES

And I don't need looking after.

Well, I'm sorry.

I just have to start building my own life

and stop being a...

...nappy-wearing, breast-fed emperor baby.

Are you going to eat that?

No.

CRUNCHING

It's got bits of plate in it.

Could you please make me another one, Mum?

Sue!

Oh, shit.

Sue!

Sue.

- Hello, Phyllis. - Oh, dear.

I heard about your fall.

Oh, it wasn't a fall. I fainted.

I've had low blood pressure all my life.

Look at you. You can't even carry your tray!

Let me help you.

No, I don't need help.

You're injured!

There we go.

Oh, it is lucky Michael lives with you and can help.

Otherwise, you would be all alone.

Yes, he's a real godsend.

Because you don't have any grandkids, do you?

At least you get to spoil your one and only child.

Trudi, I ordered your toastie on wholemeal bread

for your bowel health.

Imagine needing one of those ghastly things.

I've heard stories that would curl your toes.

Turning on their owners, spying on them.

And some people are doing things with their robots

that they really should not be doing.

No!

Mm-hm. Yes.

Oh, we are so lucky.

I mean, I have my daughters, all my grandchildren and Geoffrey.

And you have...

...Michael.

- Oh, my God. - What?

That woman over there has just grabbed

her robot's penis. PHYLLIS GASPS

Really?

SHE SIGHS

Oh!

Do you want some lunch before you go?

No, no. I've eaten. Thanks.

You know, Michael, if you were in a good relationship,

I'd be very happy for you.

- What's that on your neck? - Hmm?

It's a rash.

Oh, no, no. It's nothing.

Apparently, it's a totally normal side effect.

Of what?

Oh, I did some clinical trials.

It was only five days. Really good money, though.

Sounds dangerous.

Mum, if it was dangerous, do you really think

the drug companies would do it?

PHONE VIBRATES

DOORBELL RINGS

Now, the whole reason I did it was

because I wanted to buy you a present.

Now, I want you to be safe.

And if you fall again. I'm not going to be here, so...

No!

- You got me a robot. - I got you a robot.

Hey! You Michael Bevan?

Take it away, please. I don't want it.

She does want it. Bring it in.

Mum, I've already paid the deposit.

Oh!

SHE PANTS

Woo!

- - It's fragile.

CASS STRAINS

OK.

Christ!

SHE STRAINS

OK.

I'd forgotten how heavy these models are.

Oh, here. Let me help.

Thank you. That's enormously helpful.

MICHAEL CLEARS HIS THROAT

Welcome to your Ann Droid Z58/100 Basic Care Model.

She's very easy to operate.

Does have a few dings and scuffs.

After all, she is pre-loved.

- Pre-loved? - Second-hand.

Yep. CASS LAUGHS

A little more than second, but hey, that's why she's such a bargain.

This was a very popular model back in the day,

in spite of some...

...some pretty catastrophic teething errors.

Problems that have all been resolved.

SHE SCOFFS

Yes!

OK, so you've got a 24-month contract.

Your 48-hour trial period begins when you switch her on.

You absolutely cannot have sex with this model.

- Sure. - Finally, I'm just going to need a signature at the bottom.

OK, lovely. And can I please also just get a photo?

Yeah, yeah. Mum, Mum!

Oh, no. It's not a fam... OK.

Oh! SHUTTER CLICKS

- Lovely. - Great.

Well, enjoy.

If you have any problems, issues,

there's a number on the back.

The call centre is open 1pm till 2pm on Saturday.

That's the third Saturday of every month.

Have a lovely time. Enjoy!

DOOR SHUTS

So if you need someone to talk to,

or she can help with shopping, cleaning.

Why couldn't I just have a carer?

What, a human? They cost a fortune!

And what if you fall on their day off?

This is 24/7.

Phyllis said they spy on you.

What happens if they drain my account?

- Who? - I don't know!

Mum, this means that you can stay in your home.

I don't want it.

Look, how are you going to manage? You don't even drive any more.

PHONE RINGS Oh, sorry.

Hi, babe.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just leaving now.

Yeah. It's arrived.

She loves it. She's so happy.

Er... What does it look like?

Er...

It's just a woman with enormous dead eyes.

No, it's not better looking than you.

You're the most beautiful woman in the wor...

Hello?

Babe?

Just give it a go, Mum.

48 hours.

Bye, Mum!

DOORBELL RINGS Jesus Christ!

Stupid!

Oh, I can't do this!

Hey.

Oh! Hi, Eileen.

Heard you fell.

Haven't seen Phyllis this excited

since Deirdre Taylor got a kidney cyst.

I fainted.

You've always had low blood pressure.

Thank you.

- Sally died. - Sally Harris?

- Nah, Sally Whittle. - Oh.

Sally Harris is dying, Sally Whittle is dead.

Oh.

Do you fancy a cuppa?

Nah, I'm really busy.

Course I've got time!

I'm 81 and all my friends are dead.

I'm never going to plant this rose.

Ah, just leave it.

Good job you've got Michael.

Oh, he's moved out.

Back to the kung fu slut?

Yeah.

Oh, balls to this.

Probably for the best.

It's a bit old to be at home with Mummy.

Bit Norman Bates.

I guess so.

I just feel alone.

I've been alone all my life. It's not that bad.

Unless you die in a heatwave like my Uncle Nelson.

He was so bloated by the time they found him,

he'd trebled in size -

and he was no swimsuit model to start with.

- Hey, what's this? - Oh, Michael got it for me

because he felt guilty about leaving.

Oh!

Let's switch it on.

No, no, no, don't!

Eileen, I'm sending it back.

You can still send it back.

Come on. Aren't you curious?

No, I'm not, actually.

Oh, Eileen!

It's got a button at the back of the head.

ROBOT BLEEPS

Hello. Bonjour.

Buongiorno.

Konnichiwa.

Guten tag.

Hello.

You have chosen English.

Now tell me your name by saying it into my face holes.

I can't do this, Eileen.

Sue, Sue, Sue.

Nice to meet you,

Sue! Sue! Sue!

My name is Ann Droid.

I'm a Z58/100 robot carer.

But you can name me something more memorable.

Please say the name you'd prefer.

Um...

- Linda. - Hi, Sue! Sue! Sue!

My name is now Linda.

My sister's name.

Aw, that's lovely.

- I hate my sister. - Ah.

SUE GASPS

What's it doing?

What is it doing?

- What is it doing? - I don't know!

Oh, my God. Ah!

What is it doing?

It's putting lasers in my eyes!

Imprinting. Imprinting. Imprinting.

Retina scan complete.

I have uploaded your full medical profile.

I thought it had turned on you.

I thought it was trying to set fire to your brain.

Right.

Best get back to the shop.

Don't!

Don't leave me alone with it.

I can't stay here and play with your robot.

I've got to get back to work.

Text me if it starts attacking you.

I just don't want to be on my own with it.

It's creepy!

I mean, look at it.

What is that?

Oh!

I found it in donations. What do you think?

Hi, Sue. You all right?

Can't talk to you with that on your head.

Tom, you look like an idiot.

Hmm.

Sue just got a robot. She's terrified of it.

Oh, wow!

I had no idea that androids were still being used!

I thought we'd been forced to decommission them.

Roxy, would you like to speak to a vintage robot?

- Eh? - I sure would.

Yeah. Well, go on!

METALLIC CLATTERING

Hi!

I'm Roxy.

I help Tom.

Hello! I am Linda.

I help Sue! Sue! Sue!

It is nice to meet you, Linda.

It is nice to meet you, Roxy.

I like your top.

Thank you, Linda.

It belongs to Tom's wife.

She is dead.

It comforts him to see me wearing her clothes.

Perhaps I will see you again for...

...incidental social interactions.

I would enjoy that.

But I am being sent back.

Sue! Sue! Sue!

...thinks I am going to kill her.

Are you going to kill her, Linda?

Yes.

I'm also going to kill Tom.

I am joking.

I am also joking.

She won't hurt you.

I'm sure they've sorted all that out.

I find Roxy enormously helpful.

Oh.

I can't imagine life without her.

You are going to have to go home at some point, Sue.

I'm closing in ten minutes.

Tell Linda to stay in her own room, if you feel uncomfortable.

Fine.

Come on, Linda. We're going.

I'm not buying that.

Heated mono slippers improve circulation,

increase blood flow, repairs ligament, bone and tissue damage.

All right, then.

I'm not buying the sunglasses.

OK. That'll be 80 quid.

How much?!

All right, three.

I don't know the value of nothing in this shop.

Lakme, Flower Duet by Delibes

ALARM BLARES Danger, danger, danger!

- Danger, danger! - Linda, stop it! Stop it!

You're supposed to stay in Michael's room!

Falling asleep in the bath can be lethal.

Iconic songstress Whitney Houston tragically passed away...

For God's sake! I am naked!

Yes.

I can see most of your right breast

and the top of your mons pubis.

Your naked body is not a problem for me.

But it's a problem for me.

Nobody's seen me naked since Dave!

Here is clothing for your nakedness.

No, don't! It's cashmere! Don't...

...get it wet!

You seem angry.

I will lighten the mood with humour.

Why did the doughnut go to the dentist?

Just piss off, Linda!

Where would you like me to piss off to?

Piss off to the room I told you to stay in.

Only, stay there!

I just want a quiet evening alone, watching the TV!

Oh...!

Oh...

- The doughnut went to the dentist... - Oh!

...because it needed a filling.

Piss off!

- - This week's task is all about using your life,

and I know I've got the perfect recipe to impress Lord Sugar.

I'm going to be his next business partner, trust me.

I made my first million by 25...

PHONE RINGS

Oh!

Oh, God.

What happened?

You tripped and hit your head.

I assessed you as concussed,

with ligament damage in the neck.

Oh.

Oh...

Last thing I remember is...

...nodding off to a task in a bakery.

Yes, Lord Sugar said the failure of the task lay with Kevin.

Kevin. Oh, he was a bully.

Kevin said it was a big mistake,

and wished them the best of luck.

But he did not sound sincere.

I tripped.

Yes, on the heated mono slipper I told you to buy.

Mrs Bevan.

Another fall? Ah!

I didn't fall.

I tripped!

Over a heated mono slipper that this IDIOT insisted I get.

Well, I'm sending her back.

I wouldn't do that.

You can't keep me here!

I have a son. I don't live alone!

Now, I know that's not true,

because Linda explained everything about your situation

when you arrive.

You stupid twat.

Mrs Bevan, this stupid twat is the reason I'm discharging you.

Oh, uh...

Sorry, Linda. Thank... thank you very much.

- - Stupid twat.

Now, I download all your home care information pon Linda.

So, you can go home.

She's doing a great job.

Mm...

Oh.

No, mine's the green one.

The purple one is Michael's.

No, it was Dave's.

Would you like me to throw it away to clear space?

No! No, don't touch anything!

By scanning your retina, I have measured your dopamine

and endorphin levels.

You are sad.

Music might improve your mood.

MUSIC BLARES

♪ If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eye Joe

♪ I'd been married long time ago... ♪

PHONE RINGS

No, no. It's Michael. Shut it off.

Hello?

Mum! Mum, are you OK? I just...

I just saw your missed calls.

Oh, I tripped.

Oh, ANOTHER fall?

No, I tripped.

It's that idiot robot's fault.

She insisted on getting me a mono slipper.

Tell him.

The mono slipper was my idea.

What's a mono slipper?

Designed to cradle the feet in pure bliss,

the mono slipper boasts a luxurious fleece fabric

that feels irresistibly soft and cosy.

It does sound soft and cosy.

She put me in hospital with ligament damage!

And a mild concussion!

It just sounds like an accident.

It's a good job that you weren't alone.

Mum, please consider keeping her.

Oh...!

Why can't anybody understand?!

I miss him!

I'm...

- - I miss... miss him every...

...every day.

Oh...

OK, OK, OK. Look, I'll...

I'll book it for tomorrow.

OK.

Well, see you soon.

Yeah, sure. OK. Bye, Mum.

GEARS WHIR

Would you like to talk?

Talking improves mental health.

- You're a robot. - Yes, I am a robot.

SUE EXHALES

It just seems like...

...everything in my life has been taken away.

Dave's gone.

Michael's left.

I've no grandkids.

Soon, I'll lose my independence, and then...

...I'll probably lose my marbles.

I can help you find your marbles.

Ha!

SUE LAUGHS

I don't...

...know how I'm going to do this last bit...

...alone.

But whatever life I've got left...

...I do not wish to spend it with a robot.

I know you don't understand.

Nobody does.

I am fired, like Kevin.

Thank you for this opportunity, and I wish you the best of luck.

Unlike Kevin, I am sincere.

SUE GROANS

You sound like you are struggling.

Is your head stuck inside a pullover?

No, I can manage on my own!

Do not be embarrassed, Sue! Sue! Sue!

I've already seen your mons pubis.

Oh...

Just leave me alone, Linda!

Oh...! SUE GRUMBLES

Only You by Yazoo

Start search.

How to stop feeling sad about a dead husband.

♪ Looking from a window above

♪ It's like a story of love... ♪

Restart search.

Why are humans sad when a life ends?

♪ Came back only yesterday

♪ I'm moving farther away

♪ Want you near me

♪ All I needed... ♪

Restart search.

What is the meaning of a human life?

♪ All I need is for another day

♪ And all I ever knew

- ♪ Only you... - ♪

Linda.

PHONE RINGS

Linda, it's time!

- Hello. - Hi.

- You, uh, want to return your robot? - Yes, please.

Yeah, well, that's what the trial period is for, you know.

They're not for everyone.

Sue! Sue! Sue!

Your next dose of pain relief medication is to be taken

- after lunch. - Oh, right. Thank you.

All right, then. In you go.

Your lunch is in the oven - toad in the hole, your favourite.

How did you know that was my favourite?

You had a massive dopamine spike when you saw them in the freezer.

Oh, this one's a real chatterbox.

I hope you find happiness, Sue! Sue! Sue!

Hey, you don't have any wet wipes, do you?

It's got dirt all over its hands.

You've planted...

...my rose.

You miss David, and David is dead.

That is a David Rose to honour dead David,

the owner of the purple robe.

That's right.

I understand...

Sue! Sue! Sue!

...it was not a robot you were to be sharing the rest of your life with.

It was dead David.

Linda...

...step out of the box.

I want you to stay.

I've changed my mind.

Yeah, I know. I've been listening.

In that case, I'll just need your signature.

Lovely.

And, uh, now can I just get a photo?

Yep. Got it.

Thank... thank you.

Did you know toad in the hole is not made from toads?

I did.