Original subtitles

- Are you finishing with me? - Do we have to do this right now?

Yes.

Me and Curtis, we're over.

Seriously? I can teleport.

Look, this is not real! It's just a game!

Don't die. I love you.

He'll still be here.

No, I don't love him. I love you.

It's you falling in love with him that makes him become me.

Simon!

(GASPING)

(PANTING)

(WHISTLING TUNE)

Ah.

(WHISTLING TUNE)

(WHISTLING TUNE)

(SIGHING)

- Jesus! - Sorry. I was just, er...

Oh, come on, if that was me bent over, wearing a lovely pair of knickers,

you're telling me you wouldn't treat yourself to a good eyeful?

Piss off, you pervert.

OK, but you know you would.

Wh...

(WATER DRIPPING)

(SPITS)

(SPITS)

Hello?

Who's there?

You don't want to mess with me, man. I do that cage-fighting shit.

I've killed a Chinese man with my bare hands.

Oh, yeah.

Who's scared now, huh?

Huh! Uh!

Oh!

(DOOR CREAKS SHUT)

Hi, Dad.

How was your day?

It was good.

(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)

# The city breathing, the people churning

# The conversating

# The price is what?

# The conversating

# This place is heaven

# And if you see them... #

(# ECHO & THE BUNNYMEN: The Killing Moon)

# Under blue moon I saw you

# So soon you'll take me up in your arms

# Too late to beg you or cancel it though I know it must be... #

Hiya.

# The killing time

- # Unwillingly mine... # - Hiya.

- # Fate... # - I called out.

You didn't hear cos of the music.

Right.

Do you want to walk in together?

You don't have to, if you're embarrassed to be seen with me.

I'd never be embarrassed to be seen with you.

Good.

Ready?

- What are you listening to? - Echo & The Bunnymen.

Never heard of them.

Thanks.

# The sky all hung with jewels

# The killing moon... #

This is really depressing.

(GASPS)

(DOOR CLUNKS)

- What's up with you? - Some bastard killed me last night.

Are you winding us up?

No! No, cross my heart and hope to die.

Or not.

- Who was it? - I don't know.

I was too busy being savagely beaten to death.

That is not a pleasant way to die.

- Have you got any enemies? - No.

I'm universally popular and well liked. Why would anyone want to kill me?

- I can think of a few reasons. - Definitely.

Shitloads.

You annoy people.

See, why would you even say something like that?

That's very hurtful. I thought we were friends, you ungrateful little twat.

- Don't speak to him like that. - Why are you sticking up for him?

Do you love him?

Oh, look, why don't you go and suck yourself off?

- I wish I could. I can never reach it. - Oh, that is too wrong.

Oh, come on, now. We've all tried, huh?

This one time, right, I tied a rope to my feet

and tried to yank them over my head.

Huh? And I've got like six pillows.

Uh!

I nearly broke my neck. I was so close.

Oh! An inch feels like a mile.

(PANTING)

- So, how close did you get? - I'm not even having this conversation.

Uh! You see, it must be physically impossible.

Cos, if men could suck themselves off,

then the female of the species would be surplus to requirements.

This is why people kill you.

Well, I'm just making conversation.

(GRUNTS)

(LOW CHATTER)

Hey, you. Probation worker guy.

- Are you talking to me? - No.

I'm talking to the thousands of other probation workers. Look, who's she?

She's organizing this charity run.

Oh, is she?

Oh, don't even think about it.

She's not gonna be interested in a little prick like you.

- How do you know? - Cos I know women. I know what they like.

Is that because you used to be one?

Hey, you're not allowed to do that.

(BOTH SNORT)

(CHUCKLING)

It's just over there.

Hi.

(CLEARS THROAT)

- JESSICA: Thanks for helping out. - SIMON: It's OK. It is for charity.

- It's her. - Who?

The cute, smiley, popular girl. I think she murdered me.

- You said you didn't know who it was. - No, it's all coming back to me now.

She was here last night

and I was in the locker rooms, watching her getting changed.

- Nice. - No, I walked in on her.

She was right there, bent over, pointing her cute arse at me.

What am I supposed to do? Poke my eyes out with a stick?

I am telling you. The bitch killed me.

So, what do you think? Are you gonna do the run?

I was never very good at running.

Is that why you got caught?

(GIGGLES)

Oh, Jesus. She's after Barry.

Oh, my God. I can't believe I said that. I'm sorry.

Er...l make crap jokes when I'm nervous.

Why are you nervous?

Oh, what is wrong with me? I meet a cute guy, and I totally lose my cool.

I should just kill myself right now.

Don't.

(LAUGHS) Well, I wasn't entirely serious.

No, of...of course not. You were making a joke.

Oh, surprised to see me, huh?

Yeah, you killed the wrong guy, you cute, psycho bitch.

That's right. I'm on to you.

- Is everything OK? - It's fine.

(BOTTLES CLATTER)

Grab those bottles for us, yeah?

The bottles.

What?

BRUNO: She's so beautiful.

What's your name?

- Why do you want to know my name? - Because I'm really attracted to you.

- Are you taking the piss? - No. I think you're beautiful.

'(om!

Are you talking to me, mate?

You see a guy in a grey hoodie come through here?

- Your height, kind of funny-looking? - Where is he?

He went out the back door. You better start running if you want to catch him.

- Are you dicking with me? - No. I love the police.

He's gone out the back door of the Community Centre.

Thanks.

(DOOR BANGS AND SHUTS)

What do you mean, she killed you?

I mean she smashed my head against a sink like this,

until my brains dribbled out of my ears.

She wouldn't do that.

How do you know? You don't know anything about her.

Come on, man. It all adds up. Do the maths.

There is no maths.

Right. She was here, plus no-one else was around.

Times, she caught me leering at her semi-naked.

Divided by, all the weird shit that happens to us.

Equals guilty.

- That means absolutely nothing. - Oh, my God! Really?

She's a beautiful girl, and she's here in the Community Centre.

So?

So, I remember a similar scenario

that resulted in me having sex with an 82-year-old woman.

Then there was that shape-shifter girl. She was mental.

Yeah, and look what happened with you and that probation worker.

And did you know that some of these marathon runners shit themselves?

So, you think that if a girl likes me, there must be something wrong with her?

- (SNORTS) - No, that's not what we're saying.

- Isn't it? - No.

I thought that was exactly what we were saying.

ALISHA: Simon.

Simon!

Would you like to go for a drink with me?

I'd love to.

Er...where do you want to go?

I'll... I'll meet you at seven in the bar on the estate.

Hi.

- What you doing? - I'm waiting for you.

- I wanted to say thank you. - (BOTTLES CLINKING)

Why are the coppers after you?

I got into a fight. I didn't mean to.

Would you like to come for a beer in the park with me?

- No, you're all right. - Come for a beer with me.

If you don't get out of my face, you're gonna get a slap.

Sorry.

You're the first person that's ever done anything kind for me.

People are mean. You were nice to me.

I just wanted to say thank you.

One beer.

Come on, then.

- So, what's your name? - Bruno.

What kind of a shit name is that?

MAN: With the trap laid, the spider bides its time,

its prey unaware of the danger looming.

Lurking in the shadows, the spider watches the insect entangle itself in the web.

The struggle sends vibrations around, alerting the spider...

What are you doing?

As the insect thrashes around helplessly, the spider's predator instincts take over.

- What are you doing? - Come on. You know I like you.

Chris, get off me!

- Don't touch me. - You're such a little prick-tease.

JESSICA: Stay away from me.

Jessica!

(DOOR RATTLES)

Aah!

Oh! Oh! Oh, Jesus!

(GASPING) Jesus!

Hey!

Hey, what should I do, huh? What should I do?

(GASPING)

(MOBILE BUZZING)

- Why are you calling me? - No-one else is answering their phone.

You know the cute, smiley, popular girl who murdered me?

Well, she just killed some other guy! He's dead!

No, no! He's alive!

(RASPS)

(GASPING)

No, no. He's dead again.

Simon's meeting her for a drink.

(# THE DEAD WEATHER: Die By The Drop)

# Let's dig a hole in the sand... #

BOTH: Hi.

- Do you...do you want a drink? - Er...yeah, I'll have a beer.

All right.

# I got myself a problem

# That I been looking to sell... #

- Oh! " Sorry

- Where's Curtis? - His phone's still switched off.

- Where's Kelly? - Her phone's still switched off.

You don't think they're...?

- No. - OK.

- Where are they? - Still in the bar.

But I can't see her making a move until they leave.

(SIGHS) So, Who'd have thunk it, huh?

You know, you and me teaming up on something like this.

This is about the least weird thing that's happened to me recently.

- (MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND) - My mum died of cancer.

And I wanted to do something so I set up this charity run.

I'm sorry about your mum.

So, what's with the community service? What did you do?

You didn't murder anyone, did you?

No.

You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

I want you to know.

I hit this girl.

She deserve it?

I thought she did at the time.

Sometimes it's like I lose it.

I've battered someone before I even know that I've done it.

Did you mean what you said to that policeman?

- What's that? - That I was kind of funny-looking.

It's your face. You want to get that sorted.

- Really? - No, I'm dicking with you.

BRUNO: Shall I invite her back to mine?

Don't scare her off.

Does she even like me?

You got any beers back at your place?

- I ain't gonna shag you. - (SNORTS) I wasn't expecting you to.

Good.

Come on.

So, why are you here? It's not like you and him are big pals.

What, and you are? Why are you here?

Well, maybe I like him more than I let on.

Yeah, well, maybe I do, too.

The little bastard gets under your skin, doesn't he?

(SNORTS)

Oh, shit.

(INDISTINCT)

Come on.

Where are we going?

She's like one of those evil bitch spiders. They lure you into their web.

They shag you, then they kill you, and then they eat their own faeces.

What?

I really wanted to do that.

Are you OK?

Yeah.

I've got to go. See you tomorrow?

Oh!

Hey, man.

What are you doing?

- Just hanging out. - You know.

Were you following me?

We could ask you the same thing.

OK, yes.

- Look, we were worried about you. - You don't need to be.

Tell that to the dead guy at the Community Centre, all right?

Oh, wait, you can't, because your new girlfriend killed him.

Urgh!

I'm squatting.

It's just temporary.

Oh.

I haven't got any beers.

So, it was just some bullshit story to get me back here?

No.

You're joking.

Yeah.

- Do you want some fruit? - Don't eat fruit.

Right.

BRUNO: I just want to hold her.

Kiss her.

- Go on, then. - What?

Kiss me.

I'm not a slag.

Why would you even think that?

(# THE FRATELLIS: Creepin' Up The Backstairs)

# Owl

# Whoo!

# She said, "I'm Rosie"

# I said, "I thought you were Lucy" She said, "No, Rosie, I told you so"

# Was here with your sister but she's going out the back

# I wanna dance and have fun, you know

# Of all the shitty little places I meet you, it's here, and I'm freaking out

# I heard you got a brand-new name selling E's in the dark

# But it's nothing to shout about

# Don't just say yes to tease me

# Do your utmost to please me

# I don't mean to be sleazy

# Being you can't be easy... #

If I had your power, I'd wait until I was coming

and I'd rewind a couple of seconds... and just...

hover in the moment.

Oh! Oh!

- Zhoozh! - (SNORTS)

(GASPING) on!

Oh! Oh!

You're too good at faking it.

(LAUGHS)

Most people would want to do something useful,

like go back in time and kill Hitler or something.

Right.

But after...after I'm done killing Hitler, I'm doing the thing with the orgasms.

(BOTH LAUGH)

He was lying right here, all right?

Blood was all pouring out of his throat and he was all gurgling and shit. Urgh!

- So, where is he now? - She's moved the body.

Right, huh? Who leaves a dead body lying around to be discovered?

We never do, and we're not exactly the most competent killers.

And how did she do that when she was in the bar with me?

- Why would I make it up? - Maybe you're jealous.

Look at me - beautiful.

Look at you - not so much.

So, why am I here?

I don't know.

You stay away from Jessica.

- You stay away from her. - No.

Well, I think you should.

Hi, mate. Can I get another?

I'm sorry I had to leave early yesterday. I...

It's fine.

Er...the charity's having a fancy-dress party tonight.

I thought you and your friends...

I thought you might like to come.

Thanks.

Well, I... I should get out to the start.

Come and find me afterwards.

Good luck.

Oh.

Look, what's so difficult to believe?

Did you actually see her kill him?

No, but then I didn't have to. It was written all over her cute little face.

Look, I'm telling you. There's something seriously wrong with this girl.

Shh.

Jessica's invited us to a fancy-dress party tonight.

You know what? You were right, man. I was jealous.

I'm jealous of your, er...neat hair,

and your...the strange staring that the ladies seem to love so much.

And I hope that you and, er...

- Jessica. - Jessica. Lovely, lovely Jessica.

I hope you'll be very happy together.

- You'll find your own girlfriend. - Already got one, mate.

- Who is she? - (SIGHS)

Mo...ni...ca.

- (CLEARS THROAT) She's French. - You should invite her to the party.

Well, she's in France, you know, what with being all French and that.

But as this party's happening ten feet from my bedroom, I will see you there.

- Are you serious? - When am I ever serious?

But we need to be there to keep an eye on her, right?

Think about it. It's a fancy-dress party. It's dark. You'll all be wearing masks.

It's the perfect opportunity to commit murder, and incest.

Who's Mo-ni-ca?

That is the worst made-up name I have ever heard.

You know, names never were my strong point.

But I think the whole French thing sold it.

- Prick! - Sorry, mate.

What are you doing?

I wanted to see you.

There's this party tonight. It's fancy dress and it'll probably be really shit.

I'll be there.

# Boom-boom, baby, la-la, la-la, la-la

# Boom-boom, baby, la-la, la-la, la-la... #

Fucking hell!

# ...Boom-boom-boom-boom Boom-boom-boom-boom

# Boom-boom-boom-boom Boom-boom-boom-boom

# Ding-ding-ding-ding, ding-ding-ding-ding

# Doo-doo-doo, let's hear the start... #

Bruno.

Take it easy! What you doing?

Stop it! Get off!

Fuck off!

You hurt me!

- How did it go? - I beat my personal best.

That's great.

- What? - I have something I have to tell you.

- Jess? - Oh, it's my dad.

I'll tell you at the party.

Dad. This is Simon.

Hello, sir.

Dad.

We should get some lunch.

(CLICKS FINGERS) We should be getting into our costumes!

(SIGHS) What's up with you?

Nothing.

You haven't been this quiet since you got turned bald.

- Can you leave us alone, yeah? - All right.

Please, Nathan.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Does anyone else feel like a total cunt?

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

You look like a proper superhero.

Nice costume.

- Er...she looks like a slut. - Yeah.

A cute, slutty, murdering psychopath.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Kelly.

It's me.

- What do you want? - Give me a chance to explain.

I ain't interested in anything that you've got to say.

Kelly, please, please. Please.

You're everything that I've been looking for.

I'm sorry.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(URINATING)

(STAB)

No-one touches my little girl.

Oh! Oh!

- You're not him. - Oh! Oh!

(GASPING)

Oh.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(GIGGLES) Come on.

Oh, where the fuck are they?

- We need to split up and find them. - Right.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Uh! Oh!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE)

Hey.

I've just been thinking about you.

- What are you doing? - I don't want to get come on my dress.

It's dry-clean only.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

You're gonna think I'm a freak.

What is it?

I'm a virgin.

You're a virgin?

(SNORTS)

Me too.

Virgin.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(GASPING AND GROANING)

(GASPING AND GROANING)

(GASPING) What?

(CHUCKLES) This is awkward.

Oh, shit!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

I used to see all these guys with their girlfriends. I had no-one.

That's what happens when you knock girls around.

It's not like that.

I'm still working out how to be around women.

Sometimes it's like my instincts kick in.

What are you talking about?

- Do you remember that storm? - No way. What happened to you?

You won't want to be with me if I tell you.

You just tell us, yeah?

I just wanted to find a beautiful girl and be with her and make her happy.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH)

How badly did you hurt the guy that you had a fight with?

He attacked me. I was just defending myself. I didn't mean to hurt him.

I didn't mean to hurt anyone, especially not you.

What happened to you in the storm, then?

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Don't move!

Let her go.

All units to Wertham Community Centre. Suspect is wearing a gorilla costume.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE)

Kelly!

(MAN SPEAKING ON RADIO)

(GASPS)

Simon?

Simon.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(BOTH SNORT)

Dad?

- What are you doing? - What have you done to her?

Dad. Dad.

Wait. No.

She's my little girl.

(SOBS)

(FIRE EXTINGUISHER RATTLES)

- What you doing? - Just hold on and don't look down!

(DOG BARKING)

(POLICE SIREN BLARING)

(DOG BARKING)

(GASPING)

(GASPING)

- (HELICOPTER WHIRRING) - Let her go. It's over.

Bruno.

Everyone just stay calm.

- (BATON CLICKS) - Just lie on the ground.

Urgh!

' Hurgh! " Oh!

- Bruno, don't hurt him! - Hargh!

Bruno! Stop it!

Bruno!

(GUNSHOT)

- Bruno! No!

(SIRENS BLARING)

Bruno. No.

Get an ambulance! Get a fucking ambulance!

- What the fuck? - (GASPING)

(GROWLING)

(GASPING)

BRUNO: Do you understand now?

(GASPING)

I just wanted to be human.

It was all worth it, to be with you.

Bruno. Bruno?

Bruno! Bruno!

(GASPING)

You killed him!

Kelly!

No, I know her! Get off!

(PANTING)

Why's a gorilla wearing a gorilla costume?

(FOOTSTEPS)

You OK?

Most people say one thing to your face, and think something different.

Bruno wasn't like that.

He thought nice things about me.

I meet a guy I really like, and he's a fuckin' monkey.

Well, technically, he was a gorilla. But, you...you know, let's not go there.

I'm sorry.

Alisha.

Are we all right? I didn't mean for you to see that.

It's fine. Must be nice having a girlfriend you can actually shag.

Jesus. What with all the monkey business, I forgot about you and your girl.

So, she didn't brutally murder you, then?

It was her dad.

He's been arrested.

Jessica isn't a psychopathic killer.

She's a virgin.

I knew there was something wrong with her.

There isn't any more.

I'm proud of you, man.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh!

Ah. And I will expect to hear every disgusting detail.

Hey, this calls for a celebration.

Maybe this is what it feels like to be a superhero.

I think it might take more than you getting laid to turn you into a superhero.

- How would you describe your ability? - I call it lactokinesis.

That has to be the shittest power ever.

- (ALL SPEAK AT ONCE) - SIMON: They know about us.

- Who? - Everyone. We have to go into hiding.

If this is handled right, you are making some serious money.

Hair? Beautiful. Cock? In.

- (ZIP) - Flies up.

(CLICKS FINGERS AND SIGHS) Let's go be famous.

More and more people with powers are coming forward.

She's like a pretty, modern-day Mother Teresa with a superpower.

They're walking into a trap.

No!

Mm!

Enjoy.