Original subtitles

- Excuse me, old chap, can you tell me

if the night train to Basel's

running on time tonight? (officer speaks in German)

- Can't you speak English?

- Fellow doesn't speak English.

- Well, it's typical.

They've got 'em in important-looking uniforms,

and they can't even answer the simple questions.

- No train till tomorrow.

- ND- - No tram?

We have reserved seats, my dear fellow.

Well, what do you suggest we do, Charters?

- I'd say that we'd better find a hotel and some good food.

- Oh, I suppose we'd better.

You know, the,

the ill manners and the inefficiency of this race

is absolutely abominable.

- Couldn't run a whelk stall.

Hotel.

- Okay. - Ha-hotel, yes?

- [Cabbie] Okay.

(officer speaks in German)

- Hotel.

- [Cabbie] Okay.

- Bring the bags, will you?

Think that's going on all night?

- I sincerely hope not.

- Good evening.

I'd like a room for two with a private bath, please.

- Facing the mountains.

- And a separate, uh, how's your father if you've got one.

- I'm sorry, gentlemen, there are no rooms left.

- No rooms?

- That's impossible.

- The hotel is full.

The trains are disrupted by military movements.

You're welcome, of course, if you want to sleep on the sofas

in the upstairs lounge.

- Sleep on the sofas?

- In the lounge?

- Where are we going to change for dinner,

you know, slip into the old soup and fish?

I don't think this chap understands at all.

- Perhaps they don't dress for dinner in Bavaria.

- "Don't dress in Bav..."

This is no time to be funny-

- Excuse me. - Caldicott.

- Excuse me, can you tell me

if the night train to Basel is still delayed?

- The night train will leave promptly

at noon tomorrow, Madam.

- Oh. Oh, how very unfortunate.

- Third-rate country. What can you expect?

- Typical.

- Oh!

'Amh - om

- Argh! - Oh no!

I, I can't control myself. (laughs)

Hmm, wrong year. We'll have to send her back.

- [Party Guest] Argh! Argh!

- Go on, Amanda. Bash on regardless.

- [Party Guest] Right, come on!

- Do you suppose they're some of the bright young things

we read so much about in the press?

- Doesn't seem to me they're so very bright

nor, may I say, so very young.

- [Hotel Manager] Everything all right, gentlemen?

- Who are they?

- Not British, I hope.

- Probably Americans.

- More champagne!

- Hey!

- [Party Guest] Whoo!

- Whoo! - Now!

Ladies and gentlemen!

- Hey! - Whoo!

- It is my pleasure and honor-

- Praise! - Whoo!

- To present to you Mrs. Amanda-

- Yay!

- Metcalfe-

- Oh, Metcalfe Madvani!

- [Party Guest] Madvani-

- [Party Guests] Madvani!

- Von Hoffstetter-

- Hoffstette R- - Kelly!

- [Party Guest] Stetter, ee!

- Who will favor us this evening-

- [Party Guest] With?

- With one of her world-favorite imitations.

- Imitation! - Hey!

- [Party Guest] Whoo!

- [Party Guests] Amanda! Amanda!

- Amanda! - We want-

- We want- - Amanda!

- [Party Guests] Amanda!

- Amanda, my love- - Amanda!

- Mwah! - We want Amanda!

- [Party Guests] Amanda! Amanda!

- We want Amanda! - Amanda!

- [Party Guest] Ha ha ha!

" [Party Guest] Ha!

- [Party Guest] Whoo!

- [Party Guest] Ha ha!

- [Party Guest] Hey!

- Argh! Argh! - Hey!

- Argh! Argh!

- Excuse me. Will you let me through?

(woman shrieks in German) - I, I am a doctor.

- Argh! (tantalizing music)

- She looks very uncomfortable.

Perhaps I should loosen her clothing.

- No, no, no, that won't be necessary.

You might have a slight headache for a day or two.

Now you need a good night's rest and no more to drink.

- The bus for the station leaves in 15 minutes.

" I say, _

- There's a train here leaves Basel at 21:20.

I say, 20 from 24-

- It's 20 past nine. That's no good.

No, there's nothing later than last month.

I don't suppose there's such a thing

as a wireless set hereabouts.

- Awful to be left in the dark like this, you know,

Caldicott. - Mm .

- Our communications cut off at a time of crisis?

Last news from home was grim: England on the brink.

- Newspaper sensationalism.

The old country's been in some tight spots before, you know.

- Uh, London? Mr. Salter's call to London?

Yes, hold on, please. I'll get him at once.

Mr. Salter! Mr. Salter!

Mr. Salter!

- Go on, go on, go on. - I'll risk it.

Hello, I say, you in London, ha...

Uh, no, no, no, this isn't Salter, no.

Name's Charters. I don't suppose you know me.

We've sent for Salter. I say, what's happening to England?

"Blowing a gale?"

Oh. N. no. no, no, no.

No, you don't follow me at all, Sir.

I'm inquiring about the Test match. The Te-...

C-cricket, Sir, cricket.

You can't be in England and not know the Test score.

Fellow says he doesn't know.

- Silly arse.

- Uh, uh, hello. Are you there?

Uh, I say, cou-could you find out for us?

Oh nonsense, only take a minute, huh?

Oh, very well. If you won't, you won't.

Wasting my time.

Fellow's an ignoramus.

- Let's get on the back of the bus, shall we,

before someone recognizes me?

- Oh darling, don't worry.

No one here knows who you are.

- Well, they might, so get on, would you, please?

Go on, darling, quickly. Quick.

- Bus for the station leaves in eight minutes.

- Good God.

- Typical.

- Good morning, Mrs. Kelly.

You're looking very well, very fit.

- Actually, I feel fit, very fit indeed,

madly, madly fit.

- [Robert] Would you like to sit down?

- Thank you, maybe I will. Just for a minute.

- Where are your friends?

- I don't know. Sleeping, I guess.

They're staying on another week.

I have to leave for London today. Getting married on Friday.

- "Getting married," isn't that nice? Congratulations.

- I've been married before, of course, several times.

- I know.

- Did I make an unholy spectacle of myself last night?

- You could say that, I guess.

- You were present.

- I was.

- And you didn't think it was funny, either.

- To tell you the God's honest truth, I thought

it was the most amazing exhibition of sheer dumbness

I have ever seen in my life.

This whole continent is going to explode

in about 20 minutes,

and what I think would be really dumb

is if it was all triggered off by a madcap American heiress.

- Much-married madcap American heiress is

how I am usually referred to in the press.

Do I know you? Have we met?

- Robert Condon, photographer for "LIFE Magazine."

- Oh, "LIFE Magazine," how amusing.

They covered my coming-out party at the Plaza.

You weren't one of those little cameramen

trying to snap pictures in the ladies' room, were you?

- I'm sorry to say I was unable to attend.

I was being kicked out of Spain at the time.

- How impressive.

- Last call! The bus for the station is leaving immediately!

You should hurry, Madam.

- God, oh God, I hope that maid's finished packing.

I must go and see.

- [Robert] Mrs. Kelly.

" Yes?

- Uh, it's none of my business.

But are you planning to go to London like that?

- Oh, that! Oh, I can change that on the train.

- Miss Kelly, the bus for the station

is leaving immediately.

You must come now.

Miss Kelly, we can't wait, or we'll miss the train.

Miss Kelly, please.

- Have them send the luggage on

to Mrs. Amanda Metcalfe Madvani von Hoffstetter Kelly.

No, make that Lady Amanda Ogilvy Gore.

You know how they carry on when they hear a title

at Claridge's.

Or is it the Connaught?

- What is the meaning, Miss Kelly?

You will lose the-

- [Amanda] Argh!

- [Amanda] Wait! Argh, wait!

Wait!

- [Porter] Fraeulein Froy.

" Yes?

- You are Fraeulein Froy?

- YES.

- I have here your ticket.

- Oh.

Uh.

Oh, but this is for a reserved seat.

How very thoughtful of them, thank you, thank you very much.

- Now, if my calculations are correct

and this train's on time at Basel,

we could still catch the last day of the match.

- Mm, just hope the weather's like this

at the Oval; that's all.

- Oh, the porter's putting the baggage on train for you.

- Thank you very much, my dear fellow.

- No, I'd like to have my hat case, please.

- [Bellboy] Uh,.

- Here, le-let me carry that.

- Oh, danke schoen, heh, ha! Ha.

- God, this place is teeming with British.

- [Announcer] Will passengers for Switzerland,

please, board the train now standing at the platform.

It will stop at Innsbruck, Bregenz,

Muellenbach, St. Gallen, and Basel.

Please, close the doors, as train is now leaving.

- Argh, suds.

- Uh, excuse me, uh, this is the compartment

of the Baroness von Kisling.

Uh, all seats are reserved.

- Why don't you just dry up and blow away?

- I believe this is my seat.

- Here, lemme, lemme take this.

- (gasps) Oh, that's all right.

I'll just fold it up and pop it up there on the rack.

- Thank you so much.

- Can I do anything to help?

You look as if you've been playing in the coal bin.

- Don't tell me I still have...

- Why don't we go and see if the dining car is open?

A nice cup of tea will help to settle your poor tummy,

and on the way, we'll stop in the washroom and wash it off.

- By all means.

- Ha ha ha ha, ha, and I said to them,

"Don't you play in the coal bin anymore (|aughs)."

Ha, ah.

- Ha ha. - Eh? Ha ha ha ha.

Thank you. Heh.

- [Mrs. Todhunter] Ooh.

- [Miss Froy] Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, do forgive me.

-Hmm? - Very clumsy.

- That's quite all right.

I'm just waiting for the waiter to bring some drinks for us.

- Well, if I see him, shall I send-

- Oh, yes. - him back?

- Thank you, thank you so much.

- What a handsome couple.

- YES.

- She reminds me of an actress.

- You know, there are more English people on this train

than there are in Piccadilly Circus.

- Oh darling, I do think

you're developing a persecution complex,

but our stay in in the hotels a nightmare,

skulking in the corridors,

dinner in our room. - Yes, well, darling,

I am not exactly unknown.

- And last night, we missed all the fun.

Apparently, that American girl did an imitation of Hitler.

- No, really?

How lovely that must've been. - Oh I wish we'd been there.

I cou|d've done my Mussolini.

I do a splendid Mussolini.

Oh darling, do stop worrying.

I promise you

that poor lady has no idea who you are.

- Well, my darling, it is better

to be safe than to be sorry-

- Mm, yes. - Isn't it?

Anyway, isn't it rather nicer to be alone?

- Mmm. - Hmm.

- Ah.

They're very friendly really, the Germans,

once you get used to their manner.

Course, I've spent four years here.

- I think I'll have a nice cup of tea.

What would you like, tea?

Or would you like some nice warm Bovril?

- Whiskey. A large whiskey and soda, please.

- [Waiter] Whiskey and soda.

- Large.

- [Waiter] And a pot of tea.

- Yeah, uh, ooh, just one moment, please.

Uh, would you mind using this.

Herriman's Herbal as drunk by a million Mexicans:

"A soothing compound

guaranteed to settle the stomach and soothe the nerves."

Are you sure you won't try some?

- I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

- Well, it's your tummy. You know what to put into it.

Oh, just one moment.

Ginger snaps.

Would you pop these onto a plate, please?

Oh, and be sure that the hot water is really boiling

for the tea.

- Certainly, Madam.

- YES.

I don't suppose it's really drunk by a million Mexicans,

but it does make a lovely cup of tea.

By the way, my name is Froy. (whistle rings)

- Did you say Freud?

(train chugs) - No, -yo, not -eud, Froy.

- I, I'm sorry. I can't hear you.

- Frey rhymes with joy, heh heh.

- Oh, "Froy." Froy!

- I'm a children's governess and music teacher.

I've just spent an unforgettable four years here in Bavaria,

and now I'm going back to England.

To Brighton, really. That's where my home is.

Well, Hove, actually. It's just down the coast a bit.

I work for General von Reider.

- [Amanda] Mmm, very attractive.

- Oh, he's such a fine man,

and such dear children.

- [Amanda] Aw.

- I hated leaving them,

but with things the way they are,

it seemed best for me to be off home.

Shame, isn't it, really?

We had lovely times together at the castle,

24 in service plus five gardeners.

- Really? Mmm.

- Had a lovely room.

Would you like to see a picture of it?

- [Amanda] Love to.

- There it is.

There I am, right up in the north tower.

Heh, ceiling was all painted blue,

ah, like peacock feathers, lined with gold,

and mirrors in the most unusual places.

- [Amanda] Ha ha.

- Thank you. Would you reserve two places for lunch, please?

- [Waiter] Certainly.

- That is, if you'd care to have it with me.

- [Amanda] If I'm still alive.

- [Miss Froy] Ah.

- Well, here we go. Once more into the breach.

- Try to make it for the first sitting, please.

- Certainly, Madam. - Then those wretched lights

wouldn't have been in his eyes.

- Thank you. - That was a very moot point.

- There's nothing moot about it.

The fellow simply was not out,

and if it hadn't been for that mistake of the umpires,

he'd be batting still.

- I'm sorry. I do not understand, old boy.

- No, look, I'll show- - If he-

- I'll show you.

I saw it. I saw the whole thing.

Look, here's Hutton on the wicket.

- There's the umpire; Constantine bowling;

round the wicket, Stollmeyer, Headley, Sealy, (indistinct).

- Oh dear, he's forgot- - Now remember.

- The sugar. - He was bowling

from the gasworks end;

therefore, the light was on his right, right?

- [Caldicott] Mm-hmm.

- Right, Constantine bowls.

- [Miss Froy] Would you pass the sugar, please?

- I beg your pardon.

- May I trouble you for the sugar?

- Certainly. Uh...

- If you'd be kind enough to pass the sugar.

(sugar bowl clinks)

Thank you. Thank you very much.

- Don't mention it.

- [Amanda] Ha ha ha.

- [Miss Froy] Ha ha, ha ha ha.

- [Amanda] Ha ha.

- Shh, shh, shh.

- As a mouse.

- I think I'll take a nap, too.

- That's a very good idea.

Cover up with your nice fur coat.

It's lovely and soft, isn't it?

- It is soft, isn't it?

- YES.

I was given a squirrel coat once

by a woman I worked for when I was a nursemaid,

but it was always getting caught in my bicycle wheel.

Now, you have a good sleep.

And then I'll wake you up in time for a good, hot lunch.

Danke.

- Excuse me.

The lady who was sitting there, the English lady,

do you know where she went?

- There has been no English lady here.

- Excuse me?

- I said, "There has been no English lady here."

You had perhaps a dream.

- No, it wasn't a dream.

I'm talking about the lady who was sitting right there.

We went to the dining car together. And then we came back.

You remember. You gave her the chocolate.

- You are, I think, still half asleep.

- You went and came back alone.

- You don't understand.

I'm talking about the lady,

the English lady in the brown hat.

I was feeling ill, and she took care of me.

Then we went to the dining car.

She had tea, and I had whiskey.

- You were drinking whiskey?

That, no doubt, is what is making you confused.

- If this is some kind of practical joke,

I find it very unfunny.

Oh, waiter.

- Hmm? Yes, Madam.

- You're the waiter that served me, right?

- Ah, yes, Madam.

- Okay, you remember the lady I was with,

the lady in the brown hat.

Have you seen her again?

- But Madam was alone.

- Don't be absurd. Of course I wasn't alone.

She gave you a pack of tea,

something horrible called Herriman's Herbal.

A million Mexicans drink it. You must remember that.

- There was no tea, Madam,

just a whiskey and soda,

uh, a large whiskey and soda.

- Not only that. She paid the check.

- I'm sorry, Madam, but it was you who paid.

I, I have the bill right here,

if Madam would care to look at it.

- Never mind. I'll find her myself.

Excuse me. I'm terribly sorry to disturb you.

- Ah, my dear Mrs. Kelly,

which I presume still is your name,

unless, of course, you've gotten married again

since boarding the train.

- You're a swine.

You know that? Absolute swine. - You know Miss Rose

Flood Porter and Mrs.-

- A complete- - Barnes.

- And utter swine. - And surely, you remember

the kind Dr. Hartz

who came to your aid last night.

- Why didn't you tell me

I still had that mustache painted on.

- Because my mother always taught me

it was bad manners to make personal remarks,

and if "Hey, lady, don't look now,

but your mustache is showing"

isn't a personal remark,

I've never heard a personal remark.

- I'll leave it to Dr. Hartz.

Dr. Hartz. - No, please, please, please.

I'm delighted to see you looking so well, Mrs. Kelly.

No trouble with the head?

- Clearly, just the usual.

(Robert clears throat) - No.

- There's a woman missing on this train. I saw her.

And now people keep saying she was never there!

- Lovely weather we're having for the journey, aren't we?

- Really lovely.

- Oh.

- Really very lovely.

- [Robert] Mm.

- Actually, quite warm.

- Yes. - Not unpleasantly so, though.

- [Evelyn] I find it very pleasant indeed.

- [Rose] Very, very pleasant.

- Look, if you people wanna sit around here

talking about the weather like a bunch of creeps, go ahead!

- That knock on the head last night,

I wonder if it has affected her.

- Imbibes, does she?

- Drinks like a fish, blind as a hoot owl,

drunk as a skunk.

- Disgraceful.

- Mrs. Kelly.

- Oh go away,

and leave me alone. - Hold on a minute.

Look, just take it easy.

- Will you let go of me, please?

- You're hysterical. You're absolutely hysterical.

- Mrs. Kelly, may I ask

what exactly was troubling you just now-

- It's Miss Froy. - when you pulled...

Who?

- This very sweet English lady

who was in the compartment with me.

" Yes?

- We went and had tea.

Well, she had tea,

something horrible called Herriman's Herbal.

A million Mexicans drink it.

I very sensibly had a large whiskey and soda.

- Oh.

- Anyway, we came back to the compartment,

and I went to sleep.

And then- - Passed out.

- Shut up, swine. And when I woke up, she was gone.

And now everybody says she was never there,

that she'd never existed,

even the waiter who brought her tea.

Even he says that he never saw her.

Now, are they all crazy? Or am I crazy or what?

- Hmm, uh, why don't we go and have another talk with them?

Perhaps it's just a misunderstanding,

you know, something to do with the language.

Come. Come with me.

- It's that one.

There she is.

She speaks English as well as I do,

so go in there, and tell her you're a doctor

and that I'm not gonna take any more of this.

- Uh, please, forgive me.

Uh, there seems to have been a misunderstanding.

- "Misunderstanding"?

- Permit me to introduce myself.

My name is Dr. Hartz, Dr. Egon Hartz.

- "Dr. Hartz"? I'm the Baroness Kisling.

- I'm honored, Baroness.

Uh, may I present my American friends?

Mrs. Kelly and Mr. Condon, a famous American newspaperman.

The Baroness Kisling.

- A great pleasure.

Mrs. Kelly and I are traveling together,

though we had not been formally introduced.

And now this misunderstanding.

- The English lady, the one who was sitting right there,

the one you said you never saw.

- I say I did not see her, because I did not see her,

and I did not see her, because she was never here.

- Uh, what about these other lovely people?

- My servants and their daughter.

Ask them if you like.

She speaks no English.

- Uh, (speaks in German).

- Uh, did your Miss Froy have a bag or something?

- Yes! A great, big leather one!

She kept it right up

There.

Okay.

Well, listen, a lot of other people saw her, too.

There's two grumpy Englishmen in the dining car

and, and those other two down there,

and I'm gonna go talk to them.

- Please, forgive us.

- I'm terribly sorry to disturb you.

Remember the English lady

who fell into your compartment a little while ago?

- [Todhunter] An English lady-

- Yes. - fell into my compartment?

No, no, I'm afraid not.

- [Amanda] Come on! I know you both saw her!

- I'm sorry. This is really a little preposterous.

The answer is no. Will you excuse me?

- [Amanda] That rat.

I'm gonna find Miss Froy if I have to stop this train!

- [Robert] But what about the Englishmen,

those two guys in the dining car?

- [Amanda] That Englishman.

- You there, Caldicott?

It's Charters here. Can I come in?

- [Caldicott] What is it, old man?

- It's that, uh, American girl again.

She's creating a devil of a fuss out here.

Says she's lost her friend.

- [Caldicott] Well, she's not in here with me, old man.

- (tuts) Ooh, no, no, she's threatening to stop the train.

- God.

- If she stops the train, then we miss our connection Basel.

- This is serious, Charters.

- That's him! That's him.

That's him. That's him.

- Hold on. Hold on a minute, please.

I'm sorry to bother you,

but I was wondering if you could help us.

- Help you?

- Yes. - I was having tea

about an hour ago with an English lady.

You saw her, didn't you?

- Uh, did I? I don't know.

I was in conversation with my friend here, wasn't I?

- Yeah, absolutely.

- Mm. - Yes, but you were sitting

at the next table, playing some game.

She turned and borrowed the sugar. You have to remember!

- I recall passing the sugar.

- Then you saw her.

- I repeat: I was in deep conversation.

And we were discussing cricket.

- I don't understand how a dumb game like cricket

can make you forget seeing somebody.

- Oh, you don't.

- No.

- Well, if that's your attitude, there's nothing further

to be said.

Excuse me.

- Excuse me.

- "Dumb game like cricket."

- Typical.

- But you saw her! I know you did!

- Mrs. Kelly.

- But they saw her! There must be some explanation.

- Mrs. Kelly, um, please, don't misunderstand me.

I'm not a teetotaler myself.

I do, in fact, on occasions, adore a drop of champagne

even for breakfast.

But would you mind telling me how much you've had

to drink sin- - You think I'm drunk.

I'm not even a little bit drunk!

You wanna see me walk a straight line? Watch!

See?

- Are you all right?

- [Amanda] Yes.

- Why are we slowing down?

- I don't know.

- [Amanda] What is it?

- An accident of some kind.

Every holiday, it is like this.

Last, uh, last April, I was in Klosters for spring skiing.

First day, a girl went headfirst into a tree.

I spent three weeks operating on her.

In the end, I, I saved her face and ruined my holiday.

- Well, I hope she was very rich

and you charged her a fortune.

- [Dr. Hartz] She was, and I did, but as it turned out,

she was having an affair with a skiing instructor.

The husband found out and refused to pay my bill.

The whole thing is a terrible story.

- Look, we're stopping. You watch that side.

I'll watch this side. Make sure she doesn't get off.

- There goes the trainmaster.

In a moment, they'll all be shouting,

"Is there a doctor on the train?"

- How I wish I could imitate your Miss Froy and vanish, heh.

- But somebody could be badly hurt.

- Yes, of course, you're right, mm-hmm.

Excuse me. Here we go again.

- See anything?

- [Robert] Nothing yet.

- That Dr. Hartz, he's really very sweet,

even if he did almost call me an alcoholic.

- Why don't you marry him?

- Shut up.

- Well, every young girl should marry a doctor,

at least once.

- And watch, swine.

- I was right: an automobile accident, the face.

Luckily, there's an excellent hospital in Muellenbach.

I can operate there.

Oh God, please, this time,

no amateur skiing instructor,

only a very rich husband.

- Not one old lady did I see.

- Me either, but that means she's still in this train.

- You don't give up, do you?

- Why did you lie to those people?

- "Lie"? In what way lie?

I just didn't wanna get involved in some sort of inquiry.

That's all.

- [Mrs. Todhunter] "Inquiry"?

- Well, that dreadful American girl's capable of anything.

Some idiot woman has disappeared and I've seen her,

we'd, uh, we'd both be called as witnesses, wouldn't we?

' 30?

- Well, it might be just a little bit difficult

to explain what we're doing

larking about in a railway carriage in Bavaria

when your husband thinks that you're cruising

in the Mediterranean with your cousins

and my wife is under the impression (inhales)

That I'm on confidential business,

for the prime minister, in Paris.

- Hmm, "larking about"? Is that what we are doing?

- [Todhunter] Under the improbable name of Todhunter.

I always thought it was a ridiculous name.

- Oh, I think Todhunter's a very sweet name.

We had an Airedale named Todhunter.

- Yes, I'm sure, my darling.

Look, the last thing we want

is some sort of a scandal, isn't it?

- Is that the last thing we want?

- Yes. Yes, it is.

- Oh.

- You don't believe me, because I'm a girl.

- But if it wasn't for me- - God.

- Miss Froy could be in a concentration camp

somewhere. - "Concentration camp."

Well, well, well, we've heard of concentration camps,

have we? - Of course I've heard

of concentration camps.

- Good heavens, this is a great moment for history:

the social conscience meets the social register.

- Excuse me.

Excuse me.

You know that lady you were looking for?

- Yes. - I saw her.

- You did?

- Yes, she was wearing tweeds. Green tweeds?

- Yes. - Yes, and a brown hat?

- With a feather!

- That's right; I saw her with you

when she stumbled into our compartment.

- Your husband said he hadn't seen her.

- Uh, yes, I know. He didn't notice.

But after you'd gone, I thought about it,

and I remembered it quite clearly.

- I'll be damned. You actually did see her?

- YES.

- Would you be willing to make a statement?

- YES.

- See, dummy? I was right!

Now, let's find that Nazi creep

and tell him this train's gotta be searched!

- And I told them that we saw that lady

who stumbled into our carriage.

- Have you taken leave of your senses?

- Oh darling, look.

If there's a scandal, there's a scandal.

We'll weather it together.

And then after the divorces-

- "Divorce"? - we could...

- My dear Laura, once again,

you seem to have missed the point.

If there is a scandal, the good major will divorce you.

I've no doubt about that, but Iris will never divorce me.

She wouldn't want it. I wouldn't want it.

When two considerable fortunes are intertwined,

marriage becomes a very sacred thing, you know,

very, very sacred.

No, my dear, you stick to the major.

He's a poor thing, but he's all you've got,

and frankly, without him,

life could be very difficult for you.

- [Mrs. Todhunter] Uh.

- What is he saying?

Why doesn't he talk in English, like everybody else?

- Well, he's taking the position that it's impossible

for a lady to vanish from a moving train.

- I don't care if it's impossible or not.

I want this train searched.

- Hello.

- What is it? What is she saying?

- Well, she says they've been looking all over for you,

that your friend has come back.

- "Come back"?

Miss Froy's come back?

- That's what she said.

Why would a kid lie about a thing like that?

- Danke schoen, danke schoen.

- See, there really is a Miss Froy.

She didn't vanish!

- Maybe she just tried to escape.

- From what?

- [Robert] From you.

- Me? Why me?

- The madcap heiress can be a pain in the neck.

(jittery music continues)

- [Amanda] There she is.

- Do you think she'd mind if I ask her for her autograph?

- This isn't Miss Froy.

- Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I know this sounds idiotic.

But are you Miss Froy?

- "Miss Froy"? Nein, I'm Frau Kummer.

- I've never seen this woman before in my life.

- I assisted you when you were unwell.

And, and, and then when you slept,

I went to another car to visit friends.

- When Mrs. Kelly awakened,

she kept asking for some English lady.

I did not connect her with my friend Frau Kummer.

- Well, uh, these are sage-green tweeds. Are they not?

- YES.

- [Robert] And that is a hat with a feather

and a pin that's like a horseshoe.

- Everything's the same,

but it isn't her.

- The poor child is surely distrait.

Perhaps your doctor friend could give her a sedative.

- I'm not distrait, and I do not need a sedative.

- Listen, I can work this all out.

There's an English woman on the train-

- Mm. - who claims

to have seen you earlier.

As a great favor, Madam,

could you come with us just for a minute?

- I will come, ha.

- Oh, hello, please, forgive me

for bothering you again, like this,

but I'd like to ask your wife.

Hello.

Uh, I'm sorry, but could you tell us, please?

Is this the woman you said you saw,

the one that fell into the compartment?

- [Amanda] She's not even a little bit like her, is she?

- Yes, this is the woman.

- Are you absolutely sure?

- Yes, perfectly.

- She isn't. She isn't!

- Will that be all?

- Yes, thank you very much, and please forgive us

for troubling you.

_ Uh! may

- She's lying. They're all lying.

But why? Why?

Why?

- You know, I've been hit over the head

a couple of times myself.

Once, in Spain, I got too close to a grenade,

and when I woke up,

Ernest Hemingway and I were in a poker game

with Karl Marx and Jean Harlow with a-

- Stop treating me like a child!

If you really wanted to help, you'd buy me a drink.

- Don't you th- - No, I don't,

and furthermore, what I don't need is another nanny.

- Really?

- Really. - Then why did you dream

one up? - I didn't.

- Well, that's what you did.

- [Amanda] I didn't.

- Look, suddenly your friends aren't there.

You find yourself in a country

where you don't speak the language.

You're a little lonely, a little scared,

so you go to sleep in the compartment,

and you dream of a nice, comforting British nanny

who's going to take care of you.

- Now I would like

a nice double whiskey

with another double whiskey as a chaser.

- Waiter.

- [Waiter] Coming, Sir.

- Four double whiskeys, please.

- The same for me, please.

- [Waiter] Very good, Madam.

- What did you mean? "Scared."

- [Robert] Scared?

- Before, you said I was scared.

- Well, I just thought, under all that madcap heiress stuff-

- Maybe you're right. Maybe I am.

Not scared exactly

but a little nervous.

I mean, I'll be 30 soon,

and I'll have to get married and settle down.

- Well, I thought you were getting married

in London on Friday.

- I am, but that's just Rupert.

I mean, suds, you know Rupert. - Oh. No, actually, I don't.

- [Amanda] You're not missing a thing.

- Why are you marrying him?

- For money. I always marry for money.

- Are you trying to tell me

that you married all of those assorted people

just for money?

- [Robert] How could you?

- Where there's a will, there's a way,

and in this case, the will was my grandfather's.

When I got kicked out of Brearley

for smoking in the john

and writing obscenities on the blackboard...

Actually, I didn't know any obscenities to write then.

All I could think of to write

was Miss Farnham was a big cheese.

- Miss Farnham is a big cheese.

- To Miss Farnham.

Well, grandfather started to get nervous,

so to encourage me to settle down, he changed his will

so that I'd get a million dollars when I got married.

Well, Mommy and Daddy were divorced,

and they had me on this minuscule allowance,

so when I met Madvani one night at El Morocco,

I said, "Why don't we get married,

and we can split the million dollars?"

- This is the worst, most heartbreaking story

I have ever heard in my life.

- Actually, it turned out very nicely,

better for me than Madvani.

He, poor darling, had to split his half with his boyfriend.

- "With his boyfriend"?

- Mm, the marriage was annulled, of course, a month later,

but the great thing was, you see,

grandfather never said I could only get married once.

Cool million every time.

- So you never actually had any

(clears throat) relations with, uh, Madvani?

- "Relations"?

He wouldn't let me pick out the fabric for the maid's room.

- And what about von Hoffstetter?

- I was wiser by then;

in many ways, quite a mature person.

Hoffy only got 100,000.

- [Robert] You mean to say you never, uh-

- Have you ever seen von Hoffstetter?

- No, and Kelly. What about Kelly?

- He was Daddy's chauffeur.

He was a little different.

- Oh, and, we-, and in what way was he different?

- I dunno.

I just said to myself, "Oh suds,

it's perfectly ridiculous

to have been married three times and still be a"...

- So you gave yourself to him.

- Body and soul.

I loved every minute of it, all three of them.

What I didn't know was he already had a wife

in Perth Amboy, New Jersey.

- Really?

- He's just lucky he didn't go to jail.

Apparently, they make a terrible fuss about bigamy,

especially in places like Perth Amboy, New Jersey.

In the end, he was really very sweet. Wouldn't take a cent.

- Lovely.

And Rupert on Friday? How much is his payoff?

- Well, Rupert held out for fifty-fifty,

but of course, he's English and terribly poor,

and I do get to keep on using the title,

even after the divorce.

So I said, "What the hell? It's only money."

- "What the hell? It's only money."

- My God, look.

(cursing music) There it is.

- What?

- There on the window.

- Uh, I don't see anything.

- There, Miss Froy. (spellbinding music continues)

"Froy" on the window. Miss Froy.

It's gone. (limping music)

But you must've seen it. You must have!

- Seen what?

- Her name.

She wrote it on the window

after giving the waiter her tea, Herriman's Herbal.

A million Mexicans drink it.

You think I could dream something like that?

- I knew it wasn't a good idea

to order alcohol on top of your concussion.

Now, if you'll just-

- No, I won't just.

Miss Froy is still on this train,

and we've got to find her,

so don't just sit there like a dummy.

Do something.

Well, if you won't, I will.

I'm gonna stop this train.

Listen, everybody.

There's a woman missing on this train, Miss Froy.

They're hiding her somewhere.

God knows what they're doing to her.

I appeal to you.

Help me find her. - Now, look, this fixation-

- Please, help me- - of your is a neuros-...

- find her. - This is a form-

- There's no telling- - of neurosis.

- What they're doing to her. - Nothing to be embarrassed

about being neurotic.

- I appeal to you. - Everybody's neurotic.

- Please help me- - But luckily for us-

- find her. - Sigmund Freud just-

- Please help me. - moved to London.

I'm sure he'll be-

- Please help me. - very amused by your nanny.

It's okay, Sir.

Look, I'm sure you're a-

- Shut up! Gah! - fine-

- [Amanda] 50's your old man.

- [Trainmaster] Next stop, out, out-

- Okay, okay. - out of the train.

- [Robert] Look, I think they're gonna kick you off

at the next stop.

- Mr. Condon, uh, we shall arrive in Muellenbach

in half an hour.

I shall be getting off there with my patient.

If you could persuade Mrs. Kelly to come with me,

she could spend a night in a private ward, uh-

- Forget it, Doc. Nobody's gonna persuade me to do anything.

Now, I wish you'd all go away and leave me alone.

- Why don't you come back to my compartment with me?

- Will you please just get lost?

- Go get some strudel.

- The poor child is exhausted.

Why do you not let her rest?

I will make certain she is all right.

- What do you think, Doctor?

- I think I will say goodbye now.

- [Robert] "Goodbye"?

- Goodbye, Mr. Condon, and good luck.

- Well, I'm booked all the way through to London,

so I'll make sure she's delivered to her bridegroom

in one piece.

- Very well. - And thank you

for everything.

- Don't mention it.

Bye, Mrs. Kelly.

- Goodbye.

- Are you sure you don't mind?

- I am sure.

- Watch out for yourself, Buster. Watch out.

Okay, Baroness, now we can talk.

- "Talk"?

- You're obviously a very intelligent person, right?

And you know we both saw Miss Frey, fight?

Which means you have some very intelligent reason

for saying you didn't see her.

I don't understand why you're being so mysterious.

Okay, you won't talk.

- 10 minutes late, thanks to that fool of a girl.

- You couldn't put it to her in some way.

- [Charters] What?

- Well, people don't just vanish, and so forth.

- Hmm, she has.

- What?

- Vanished.

" Who?

- That nanny person.

- YES.

- Well?

- But I mean, how could she?

- What?

- Vanish.

- I don't know.

- Yeah, that's my point, exactly.

I mean, people don't just disappear into thin air.

- Oh, nonsense. Done every day in India.

- What? - Rope trick.

- Oh, that.

- It'll be some time before I can endure one again.

- I've ordered a nice cutlet of salmon

and a small leg of lamb.

- Oh, ooh!

- Peas if possible.

- [Rose] What the weather's been like.

- [Evelyn] well, at least the leaves won't have fallen.

I hate the leaves.

- Yes, all (indistinct).

Still, when they're burning, the smell is beautiful.

- Oh, thank God, thank God.

I know you think I'm crazy,

but they're trying to kill me. - No, just the girl-

- They really were, but you- - I wanted to see.

- But you won't believe that,

of course. - I have amazing news-

- Maybe I am crazy. - for you, Mrs. Kelly.

- Maybe I am; I know- - You're not crazy at all.

- I'm living beyond my emotional means.

- "Living beyond my emotional means," that's very good.

- Well- - Uh, and look, th-, uh,

there I was, sitting in my compartment,

minding my own business- - Sitting in your...

- when the darnedest thing- - Mind...

- happened. - What?

- Some rubbish they threw outta the kitchen hit the window,

and there, plastered on the glass,

before my eyes was a label,

a tea label:

Herriman's Herbal-

- "Herriman's Herbal."

- Quite a gaudy design in four-

- Well now! - maybe five different colors.

Well, with that, a strange thought crossed my mind.

- A thought crossed your mind.

- Yeah. - An actual thought.

- Yeah, "My God," I thought- - Do tell!

- "Maybe that beautiful crazy girl

with a wild body and no brassiere is right.

Maybe there is a Miss Froy,

and if there is a Miss Froy,

we'd better find her pretty quick."

- That was quite a thought.

- I thought so.

- Course, it would've been nice

if you'd thought it a couple hours ago.

Come on, let's go look!

Miss Froy!

Miss Froy.

Miss Froy.

- Miss Froy.

- Nice bossy, nice bossy.

You go back to sleep now. That's a nice cow.

- Well, uh, I guess that's about that.

We've looked everywhere.

- Look!

They're Miss Froy's, and they're broken.

Must've been a struggle.

Suds, that poor woman.

- Oh my. - The eyeglasses,

they are the property of the baroness.

I will take them, (speaks in German).

- [Amanda] "(speaks in German)," that's German, isn't it?

- Oh lady, you got the wrong number.

Okay, Buster, now, just let go. You just let...

- Bop him!

- Ooh!

Now, now, that was really very daunting.

I hit him with my best shot, and he doesn't even blink.

In the movies, a shot like that,

and he's down like a tray of dishes.

- [Amanda] Jab him.

- [Hans] Huh.

Hey! (grunts)

- Bop him!

Give him a Dutch rub.

The Dutch rub: you get your fist,

and you rub it around on his head

as hard as ya can, like this.

I learned it at boarding school.

- Grrr! Gah!

- Arghg

Uh! Argh!

- Arghg

- Oh.

- The Indian burn! The Indian burn!

- Ha! - Take his...

Twist his wrist, like this,

and ya twist as hard you can, then (indistinct).

It's supposed to paralyze some kinda...

Whoa. - Gah!

- Well, you're obviously a lot better at this than I am.

Why don't you fight him?

And I'll jump up and down and give advice.

- Gah.

Gah!

- [Amanda] That was really very well done!

- Thank you very much.

- Of course, where would you have been

without the Dutch rub and the Indian burn?

- (huffs) It's true.

You know something?

- What?

- You have very nice legs.

- I beg your pardon.

- I was just remarking: you have very nice legs.

- In what sense?

- In the sense of them being well-formed, shapely.

_ "shapeW"?

- I hadn't noticed before, because of the long dress.

So there really is a Miss Froy, eh?

- That nice little man out there did try to kill you.

- So it would seem. So it would seem.

- And those nice little people in the compartment

did try to shove me out the window.

- But why are they doing it? What do they want?

- How do I know what they want? Love?

Money? Power?

Immortality. What does anybody want?

- Would you please be serious?

- "Serious"? Look at my hands.

They're shaking. I'm literally trembling with fright.

Okay, time to start choosing up sides.

If there really is a conspiracy,

we better figure out who's in on it and who isn't.

- As far as I know, the whole train's in on it,

except maybe you and Dr. Hartz.

- "Dr. Hartz."

- [Amanda] Mm.

- Right. Come on, let's start collecting our forces.

- Dr. Hartz is just lucky I didn't go to his hospital.

I wouldn't have paid him,

and if he'd been dumb enough to send the bill to Kelly,

well, tough, Kelly doesn't have a dime.

- Shh.

- Well, he's not there.

I wonder if we should go-

look at dining- - Wait a minute.

- I got a wild idea.

What if that patient in there is Miss Froy?

- That's impossible.

The patient didn't even come on the train

until after Miss Froy disappeared, dummy.

- No, N-, wait. Look, I refuse to be demoted back to dummy.

- Listen, did you notice anything funny about the nun?

- No.

- I don't think she's a real nun at all.

I mean, they're not supposed to wear high heels, are they?

- "High heels"?

- [Amanda] Mm.

- High heels. You're right.

Actually, she's got great legs, lovely cans.

- Legs again. You really have some kind of fetish.

- (tuts) Listen, try to think carefully.

Did you actually see Mrs. Kummer get on the train?

- No.

- Okay, now suppose; just suppose;

they decoyed Miss Froy to the baggage car

and, at the first stop, the patient came on the train

and the patient is Mrs. Kummer,

then Mrs. Kummer becomes Miss Froy

and Miss Froy becomes that thing in there!

- But why would they wanna kidnap

a sweet harmless English nanny?

- Well, maybe she's not a sweet harmless English nanny.

This is Nazi Germany, kiddo.

War's gonna break out in about 20 minutes.

Maybe she's a sweet harmless English spy.

- A spy, how exciting.

- Excuse me. Do you speak English?

- May we take a look at your patient, (speaks in German)?

We think that she is an English woman named Miss Froy.

- Hmm. - (speaks in German), Sister,

sit down.

Relax. Just relax.

Just“.

- Listen, Doc!

- Oh, hello there, were you-

- We now have- - looking for me?

- Yes, absolute proof

that Miss Froy is on this train.

- Miss Froy, oh, the vanishing English lady.

- Doctor, you'll never believe this,

but nut stuff here is right!

There really is a Miss Froy!

- Yes, and Albert Einstein- - Oh good.

- Here thinks that your patient is our Miss Froy.

- My darling children, what are you trying to do to me?

You can't be serious.

- Well, uh, uh, I, I don't know.

Uh, it seemed, uh, a, a possibility.

- Ha ha. - Doc, how about it?

Let us have one little peek.

If it's not Miss Froy, okay, you win,

and we'll get outta your hair.

- You're asking me to remove the bandages?

- No! No, not the whole business.

Just enough so we can have one teeny, tiny peek,

just so we can see the face.

- But there is no face. Please.

There is no face.

That is why I'm getting off at Muellenbach.

I must operate as soon as possible.

I want to take the blood pressure again. Please.

- Have you looked under there yourself, Doctor?

- No, of course not.

The bandages can only be removed in a hospital,

sterile conditions.

- Yes, but one

little tin- - Please!

Please, look, if there is a mystery of some kind,

I want to get to the bottom of it as much as you do.

Uh, there is an empty compartment next door.

Could you wait for me in there?

I'll join you in the moment.

- All right, all right, but please hurry.

- Of course.

- Right next door?

- Just here.

You think you could possibly refrain from smoking

until we are safely off this train?

- I'm sorry. I'm very nervous.

- I'm nervous, too.

There's no point in our both being nervous at the same time.

It's a foolish duplication of effort.

I think the time has come to use this.

Order some drinks.

- I hope, for both our sakes,

that you and Katharine know what you're doing.

- Yes, yes, yes. Try to relax.

In 15 minutes, it will all be over.

- [Amanda] You got a cigarette?

- [Robert] Wanna smoke my pipe?

- No. - No.

- Now, tell me, really.

What is this? Practical joke of some kind?

Ha ha, you are both very young,

very attractive people. - Can we talk about the nun,

Doctor?

The one looking after your patient.

What do you know about her?

- "Know about her"?

Oh, well, nothing.

I was told she's from a convent

close to where the accident occurred.

- Don't you think it's funny

that she's wearing sexy shoes

with very high heels?

- She is?

- She is. - She is.

- I must be getting old. I didn't notice.

- She can't be a real nun.

It's a conspiracy. That's all it can be.

All these people on the train

say they haven't seen Miss Froy.

We know they have. We found her glasses in the baggage car.

They were broken.

- I can't...

(huffs) this is all too fantastic.

(clears throat) Would you care for a drink?

I need one.

- Yes. - But Doc-

- No, please, remain seated.

I've got a bottle right next door.

I won't be long.

- Dr. Hartz is the one who's an alcoholic.

- For you.

- And I have a theory about the nun.

I think she's his girlfriend

and they're trying to run off together.

- Yeah, she's probably a madcap German heiress

who's run away from- - Shh.

- In spite of what you've been telling me, heh, cheers.

I stole a look at the nun's shoes.

They seemed perfectly all right to me.

Now, I must say (huffs)

You've both added a certain excitement

to what would otherwise have been

a rather depressing journey.

Now, in the beginning, I assumed

it was Mrs. Kelly's imagination,

but now even you seem to believe in the...

Uh, a conspiracy?

- Doctor, against the word

of one demonstrably crazy American girl,

we have a waiter who denies serving the tea.

Well, waiters can be bribed.

And the baroness-

- A baroness. She's a Nazi if I ever saw one.

I think she's head of the whole thing.

She tried to push me out the window.

- Yeah, and the guy working for her

actually tried to kill me.

- You do believe us, don't you?

- I'm very sorry to say so, but yes.

Yes, I do believe you.

The patient is Miss Froy.

- How do you know?

What's going on?

- In a rightly ordered world, Mrs. Kelly,

things like this would not be necessary,

but the world is not a rightly ordered place.

- [Robert] What are you talking about?

- Miss Froy will leave this train at Muellenbach

and, uh, quietly disappear.

- No, she won't, not quietly.

I'll make such an almighty stink when I get back to England

you'll never hear the end of it.

- With respect, Mrs. Kelly, nobody believes you now.

Nobody will believe you later.

- I believe her.

- Did you actually see Miss Froy?

- How can somebody who seemed so nice

suddenly be so awful?

- I'm doing now what I must do

but with great regret, believe me.

I suggest you sit down.

Sit down. (serpentine music)

The drinks you just had should be taking effect in a moment.

- What?

- They contained a quantity of hydrocin.

That's a new drug which has the effect, uh,

in small quantities,

of paralyzing the brain

and rendering the victim unconscious

for a considerable time.

Don't move.

Trainmaster has been told

that you're trying to interfere with my patient

and that under no circumstances

are you to leave this compartment.

He would kill you without the slightest hesitation.

I must say goodbye.

If we should meet again,

I hope it'll be under happier circumstances.

- Drank the poison! We're gonna die! (gasps)

(gasps) Hold me! _ NO, N, N, no, no, n9!

- Hold me! - We are not gonna die.

- And we have not- - We're gonna die!

- Been poisoned; we've simply-

- We're gonna die! Argh! - been drugged; no, please.

There's a lady next door who's about

to be murdered. - Stay with me!

Stay with me! - We've got to do something

before the drug takes effect. - I'm sorry I said

you were a swine.

- Just keep moving. - I'm sorry.

- That's right: just keep moving. Keep moving.

Do exercises. - You're not really a swine.

- Touch your toes and stuff.

- You're not even a dummy. - I'll be right back.

- You're not even...

Don't leave me!

Don't leave me! I don't wanna die!

- Listen to me. You are not going to die!

We've just been drugged. - Argh!

- Now, take a nap, or...

Uh, and I'll be right back.

Oh boy, oh boy, I'm not cut out for this hero stuff.

Ooh.

(groans) Urgh. Urgh!

Argh. Gah.

Huh. Uh.

Whoa. Uh.

Argh!

- Arghg

- [Robert] Gah. Argh

Gah. Urgh.

- Whoa. - Ooh, argh!

- Arghg

- [Robert] Whoa!

- [Nun] uh.

- Argh.

- [Nun] Argh!

- Oh, danke schoen.

Danke. Oh, danke.

- Urgh. - Wunderbar! Argh.

Danke schoen.

Thank you very much. You don't have a...

I forget the word: aspirin.

You don't have a couple of aspirin, do you?

I have this headache.

My hands are trembling with sheer terror.

Look at them.

And I think I'm gonna suffer a major cardiac arrest,

and, oh, yes, yes, I've been drugged.

- No. - Actually, never mind.

Forget the whole thing.

I'm beyond aspirin. - You, you have not

been drugged.

I put nothing in your drink.

- You speak English?

I'm sorry. Of course you speak English.

I just heard you,

unless you memorized

"you have not been drugged- - You're gibbering.

- I put nothing in your drink"

from your "200 Useful English Phrases" booklet.

- You're standing here quite literally-

- Right. Right, right, right. - gibbering.

That's what I'm doing. I'm gibbering.

I just fought this huge person

and climbed outside the train

and hung in the lee-little tunnel.

I have every right to gibber.

- There's no time if this poor woman's life's to be saved.

- Miss Froy. Miss Froy, are you all right?

Where's Dr. Hartz?

- Back there, I suppose, making the final arrangements

with his aunt, the baroness.

- The baroness is his aunt?

- Yes, and I'm his wife.

- Oh, I'm not surprised.

I'm sure there's a very simple, logical explanation

for all of this.

You're a bunch of Nazis.

Miss Froy- - No, of course not.

Egan's family, they're all frightened.

If it is discovered that there is an anti-Nazi among them,

do you know what is going- - Concentration camps

for one and all.

- No. Yes.

I don't know. (chuckles)

(laughs) Would you please let me do this?

- Miss Froy!

Miss Froy, are y-, are you all right?

- Yes, I'm quite all right.

Oh, well, it is nice to see a friendly face.

- Oh. - Uh. (mumbles)

- Get up. Get up.

- That woman is wearing my clothes.

- I can SEE.

- There's one mighty mean-looking Nazi sitting out there,

but I could probably take him. (blows)

- What you doing?

- (blows) I'm checking my pulse.

- Use this.

- Oh, sure.

- Now, this is really daunting.

I keep hitting people over the head with my best shot,

and they don't even blink.

Ah. That, that'll teach him.

Jeez, good thinking.

- Take this as well.

- Okay, but now let's get outta here right away.

- I never really believed we would make it.

- I'm not going with you.

- What are you talking about?

- I agreed to help you with this, because I loved you.

I still do. But Egon, why are we doing this?

- You know perfectly well why.

- Oh, this talk about the general being a traitor

and betraying the family honor.

You're all terrified

the Nazis will confiscate your land, your money.

You would even support Hitler to protect these things,

but I can't do it!

- You're being ridiculous.

- Come with me now!

We can be together.

We can be happy.

I married a wonderful courageous doctor, not a murderer.

Please, Egon! (gasps)

- Egon, I think it's time.

What is it?

- [Nun] uh.

- Egon.

- Careful.

- They've got this stretcher off the train.

Here's the baroness,

the sweet doctor, the nun.

- [Nun] (gasps) Argh!

-Mwwww

It looks like we're gonna get away with it.

- What's the matter?

What is it?

- WE must go at ONCE.

We must move.

- Open the bandages.

- Ah.

- Open the bandages.

- What are they waiting for? Why don't they start the train?

- You know the Germans.

It's verboten to leave the station

until somebody gets somebody else to sign something

that doesn't really mean anything, in triplicate.

- Argh! - Where is she? Where is she?

- You fool! Blunderer!

- Heil Hitler.

- What is going on?

- The ambulance has started.

There it goes.

Miss Froy? - Miss Froy!

(Miss Froy laughs) Are you all right?

- Are you all right?

-Oh YES.

Oh do forgive me,

though this reminds me of a staff party we had

at Staffordshire House in Gloucestershire.

Ha, we were playing a game of sardines, heh,

and the butler and I were hiding

in Lady Beddington's wardrobe,

and we found this bottle of Haig & Haig amongst the shoes.

(Amanda laughs) (Miss Froy laughs)

- [Amanda] Miss Froy, we made it.

- Yes. - We made it!

- Yes. Well, you know what they say.

Patience and fortitude got the snail to Jerusalem.

- Ooh. - Ah! Mr. Condon.

- Mrs. Kelly.

- I have a confession to make.

- You do?

- In spite of your ridiculous hair,

I find you strangely attractive.

- Hmm.

- Don't just sit there, dummy.

♪ Gimme a little kiss, will ya, huh ♪

♪ And I'll give it right back to you ♪

- Ah, excuse me.

Just going to go powder my nose.

Right back.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, but the most extraordinary thing seems

to have happened.

We seem to have lost the rest of the train.

- I beg your pardon.

- Well, I don't quite know how to describe it.

It's just, well, the rest of the train, it...

Well, it's just not there.

- Oh my God.

They have uncoupled us from the rest of the train.

Miss Froy, I think it's about time you've told us

who you really are and why they're after you.

- Condon here thinks you're a spy.

If you are, you can trust us.

We won't tell a soul.

- Oh, "a spy"? Heh, oh don't be so silly.

I'm on my way home to Brighton.

To hove, actually. It's down the coast a bit.

Does that mean S-, we're still in Germany?

- I guess it does.

Do you think there's anybody else left on the train?

- Well, there's this car

and the dining car,

but there wouldn't be anybody on there now.

- It's tea time.

I think you'll find that all the English people are there.

- There, you see?

-Hmm? - She's turned up after all.

- Hmm, the lock must've stuck.

- Storm in a tea cup.

- Listen to me. Ladies and gentlemen, please listen.

An attempt has been made to abduct this woman by force.

- What's he nattering on about?

- If you don't believe me, look outside.

They've uncoupled us from the rest of the train.

- [Caldicott] "Uncoupled"?

- Look, they don't abduct people,

and they don't uncouple trains.

I'm sorry, but you people

have made this entire (laughs) journey unbearable.

- Hear, hear. - Oh.

- [Charters] What is this nonsense?

- Oh don't be such a drip.

Go take a look.

- "Drip"?

_ "Drip-n

- If this is a practical joke, I warn you

I shan't think it very funny.

Good Lord, he's right, Charters.

— "Uncoupled us"?

Well, what would they have done with the bags?

- [Mrs. Todhunter] Look. There's someone coming.

- Good Heavens, it's Helmut.

- But he appears to be a Nazi.

- [Miss Froy] He is.

- Well, they can't do anything to us. We're British.

- How do you know him?

- He's the eldest son for the family I worked for.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to apologize for this delay.

I can only assure you that it is a matter

of extreme seriousness

and that the security of my country is involved.

- Speak UP-

- You have on the train

a woman traveling with a British passport

under the name of Frey.

She is urgently wanted for questioning

by the authorities.

If Fraeulein Froy will come with me now,

the train will be rerouted,

and you will be across the Swiss border

in a matter of minutes.

- Miss Froy, what is going on?

- Oh there must be some mistake. Helmut's just being silly.

He had tea with us in the nursery all the time.

- Miss Froy, you should leave the train

without further delay.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you are on German territory.

I am making a perfectly legal request.

Turn over the woman to me now,

or much as I regret it,

we will board the train

and take her by force.

- You know, I really do think you ought to go with them.

There's obviously some sort of misunderstanding,

but once they've sorted it out, they'll, uh,

they'll have you on the next train with their apologies,

probably their blessing.

- Hey, he may look like an usher at Radio City Music Hall,

but that's an SS uniform he's wearing.

Miss Froy is staying right here.

- Evelyn, Evelyn, how did we ever get involved

in something like this?

- [Charters] Blazes do you think you're doing?

- I'm sorry. Excuse me.

- An incident like that- - I'm sorry.

- Can cause a war! - I got overly excited.

- Now, don't point- - I haven't had-

- that thing at... - one of these things-

- Don't point it at people. - In my hand before.

- [Amanda] But I thought you were such a big deal in Spain!

- I'm a photographer, dear. I do not shoot guns.

I take pictures of other people shooting guns!

- You have exactly one minute to surrender the woman Froy.

If you do not, I cannot be responsible for what will happen.

Anyone who wishes to leave the train should do so now.

- [Todhunter] Well.

- Look, it's quite simple.

They just happen to want to talk to you.

Now, it would seem sensible

to cooperate with the authorities, wouldn't it?

- I absolutely agree with you.

We are guests in this country.

- [Rose] But they're such very odd people.

- I got a great idea.

Why don't we give Miss Froy to the Nazis?

- (tuts) Oh. - What the hell, it'll save us

all a lotta trouble.

Mrs. Kelly is getting married in London on Friday.

The ladies have ordered dinner at 7:30 on the button.

You guys'll get to your ballgame on time,

and I'll have a fabulous picture story for "LIFE Magazine."

Probably get a great bonus.

- I had a nanny once. Called Smithers.

Used to hang a card around my neck

saying, "Jeremy kicks."

Splendid woman, you know, splendid.

Well, I'd better go and give this chap our answer,

senior member and all that, you know.

Now, look here.

We have no intention at all

of handing over Miss Whatever-Her-Name-Is to you.

So why don't you be a good chap and just clear off?

- Would you mind, old man?

- Not at all, old lad.

- Looks like they mean business.

- Arghg - Arghg

- This really is the last straw.

We'll never get to the match on time now.

- Got any more ammunition.

- Just what's left in the gun and these.

- Right, pile the chairs, uh-

Pile the chairs up into a barricade,

and take refuge behind them.

- For God's sake, you're behaving like a pack of fools!

Now, look, what chance do you think we've got

against a lot of armed men?

- Argh! - Pacifist, eh?

That doesn't work, old boy.

The early Christians tried that.

They got thrown to the lions.

- I'd rather-

- Arghg - Arghg

- Give it to me.

- Stop it. - Give it to me!

- Stop it! - What's the trouble here?

- He's got a gun, and he won't us it.

- Told you before: I will not be a party

to this sort of thing.

I just don't believe in violence.

- [Mrs. Todhunter] Give it to me! I'm not afraid to use it.

- [Amanda] Argh.

- You'd better give that to me.

I once won a box of cigars in a shooting gallery.

- [Caldicott] In actual fact, he's a damn fine shot.

- Excuse me.

Uh, Mr. Condon.

Uh, would you mind if I talked to you for a minute?

- Well, could it possibly wait a minute?

There are, there are wicked people out there,

shooting real bullets at us.

- Uh, no, no, I'm afraid it can't wait. I-it really can't.

- [Charters] All right, I'll hold the fort.

- I just must tell you I really have to go now.

- [Amanda] "Go"? Go where?

- To Switzerland. It's right over there.

Thank you for trying to help me,

and there is just one more thing you could do.

I have a message that I have to deliver

to a Mr. Callender in Whitehall, London.

- [Amanda] You were right. She's a spy.

- No, I'm not a spy.

I'm just acting on the instructions of General von Reider.

That's Helmut's grandfather.

There's going to be a war, you know?

- [Amanda] Argh!

- And the general says that it's vital

that this message gets through.

So in case something silly happens,

would you deliver it for me?

- [Robert] Well, what is it? What's the message?

- Well, I have no idea.

All I know is that I have to go directly

to a Mr. Callender in Whitehall

and sing him this song.

♪ La la la la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La la la la, la, la ♪

ILalalala ♪

- She's gone off her rocker. ♪ La, la, la, la ♪

J" La, la, la, la la ♪

♪ La la la la, la, la, la ♪

J‘ La la la la J‘ J‘ La, la, laJ‘

J" La, la, la ♪ J" La, la, la ♪

ILalalala ♪

♪ La,la ♪ ILa ♪

- Not a good time for a choir practice.

J" La, la, la ♪ ♪ La, la ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

J" La, la, la ♪ J" La, la, la ♪

♪ La la, la, la ♪ ♪ La, la la, la ♪

ILalalala ♪

- Think I have it. I think I got it.

- Good. ♪ La la la la ♪

J" La, la, la ♪ ♪ La, la ♪

ILalalala ♪ ILalalala ♪

ILa, la ♪ ILa, la ♪

ILalalala ♪ ILalalala ♪

Jf ti, I; i‘

- If we get through this, we'll have to go

into vaudeville together, Miss Froy.

Ooh.

- [Miss Froy] Thanks, I won't forget that. Huh.

- [Amanda] You can't go out there!

- Do you think she's all right?

- I hope so. She has to be.

She's a British nanny. They're indestructible.

- There's only one left, (indistinct).

- What we have to do now is get the train started,

drive it back to the main line,

and then ram it across the frontier.

- Well, that's rather a tall order, wouldn't you think?

I mean, those driver johnnies are hardly likely

to do as we tell 'em.

- Yeah, well, we'll bluff 'em with this.

Now, who's coming with me?

- Sorry. - Me!

- No, no, baby, you stay here.

Uh, be a good girl, and roll some bandages,

and with a little luck- - Let's go.

- With a little luck, we'll get the train

back to the station. - for Heaven's sake!

- And you're going to have-

- Henry. - to jump out,

switch the points- - You are an idiot.

- In the general direction-

- Henry! - of Switzerland

if you can arrange it.

- Righty-ho.

- [Caldicott] Come on, let's go.

- I'm gonna put a stop-

- Henry! Henry! - to all (indistinct).

Please.

Now, could we just be sens-

“ Argh!

- [Amanda] Argh!

- Reach for the skies. We're taking over.

- They must've hopped it with the rest of 'em.

Can't say I blame them.

Have you ever driven one of these things before?

- Not since I was a kid.

- Good Lord.

They've done it.

- Ah! Mwah!

They've started the train!

- [Amanda] We're going home!

- Have you any idea how to stop this contraption?

- Well, I imagine it's just a matter

of, uh, doing the reverse of what I did to get it started.

- Yeah, I expect you're right.

The points are just ahead.

Where the blazes is Charters?

Time I did my little job of point-changing.

- Don't be ridiculous. You're wounded!

- Grief, it's that girl!

- Look, hold it! Not yet!

- Wait till we pass.

- Look, hold onto it!

That's right. Good girl, hang it.

- [Robert] Hold it. Just hold it.

- Pull! Towards you.

Pull it-

- Pull it towards you. - towards you.

- [Amanda] Argh!

- [Robert] Come on, kiddo. Come on.

Come on, I'll pick you up.

- [Amanda] Argh!

- Come on. Come on, baby, you can make it.

Come on, faster. Faster.

Come on. Come on, babes.

- Gah! - Come on, kiddo.

Come on, jump.

- [Amanda] Argh!

- Well done, old thing. Well done.

- [Amanda] (indistinct) whoo!

- [Porter] Where's that to, Sir?

- The Oval, please.

With any luck, we should be in time

for the first match. - Yes. What, uh...

- [News Vendor] Hitler's message.

Read all about it.

"News," "Star," and "Standard,"

(whistle rings)

(Charters huffs)

"News," "Star," and "Standard," all the late results.

- Next year, old man. There's always next year.

- [News Vendor] Right, all the results, get 'em here.

"News," "Star," and "Standard."

- If there is a next year.

- Quite.

- Well, (huffs) I'll say goodbye then.

- Goodbye.

I'm sorry about your hanky.

I'll have it laundered and sent round.

- I've got another one.

- [News Vendor] "Evening News" and "Star." Thank you.

Can read all

about it here. - Taxi.

- Hitler's message. - Evelyn, shouldn't we talk

to the stationmaster

ab-about the luggage?

- Never mind about the luggage.

I shall never leave England again as long as I live.

ILa, la ♪ ILa, la ♪

♪ La la la la, la, la ♪ ♪ La la la la, la, la ♪

rLalala ♪ rLalala ♪

♪ La, la la la la ♪ - Oh suds, Rupert!

Ah.

- You mean you've changed your mind?

You're not gonna marry him?

- That's right.

- But what about the million bucks?

- I know. It's a real problem.

I simply have to marry somebody.

- Now, Amanda, I'm perfectly willing to marry you,

but taking the million dollars,

it's against all my principles.

To become a millionaire?

- I'm afraid if you wanna marry me,

you'll have to take the million dollars too.

- Where to, Guvnor?

- Whitehall. - Right.

- Now, look-

- Silly boy. - uh, if I take

your million dollars,

then you're gonna be my boss for the rest

of my- - No, (indistinct).

- Well, I just feel very strongly about it.

I don't think a man should take any money

from his wife; they should...

He should earn the money, or they share it together.

I don't believe in dowries or...

Uh, excuse...

Who are we supposed to see?

- Callender. - Mr. Callender.

Mr. Callender, please.

- Would you mind waiting at the end of the corridor?

- Could you tell him it's very urgent. It's very important.

- Okay, okay, maybe you can break Grandfather's will,

but Mommy and Daddy tried for years, and they can't.

You're just gonna have take the million dollars,

like it or lump it. - Okay, I lump it.

- You lump it? - Yeah, I lump it.

- Then let go of me.

- I can't. - Why not?

- You're holding onto my elbows.

Oh my God, uh-

- What? What? - my mind just went blank.

- I forgot the melody.

I forgot the tune, Miss Froy's tune.

- The tune! The tune.

♪ La la la la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

J" La, la, la ♪ - No, no, no.

- That's not it. - No, no, no.

♪ Dun, duh duh, duh da, da da, da da, da da da, da da ♪

♪ Dun, na na, da, dun, da ♪ (kindly piano music)

- No, uh.

♪ Dun, duh dun da, da da da dun, duh ta-da, uh ♪

♪ La la la la, la, la, la ♪

♪ La la la la, la, la ♪

♪ La la la la, laJ"

♪ La ♪ ♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ La, la ♪ ILa, la Ia ♪

- Oh! J" La, la, la ♪

- Mwah! - How lovely!

- Well, w-we were singing- - Hello!

- Outside, and we... - I never thought we'd

see you when you dived- - The tune went right-

- in that lake. - outta my mind.

- Yes, and when dived in that stream,

we thought we'd never see you again.