Original subtitles

This is it? Yeah, come on, let's go inside.

It takes fortune to renovate this place. Why don't you just sell it?

No, I can't sell it. It's been in my family for generations.

Besides, the stories about this place will curl your pew.

Don't tell me what.

No, wait a minute. My grandmother's in a diary around here somewhere.

I think that's where they find it.

Look, I found it!

Good. Come on down and start.

Okay, I'll be right there.

In this year of our Lord, 1869, on this eighth day of April, I make this entry.

I deem it prudent to maintain a ledger on the trip I'm about to undertake.

My first statement, I suppose, should contain the

reason for my leaving my beautiful Transylvania.

Let it be enough to say that I leave upon the request

of my beautiful and sweet Anne for Ladingstein.

Why? To assist that she so aptly states in experiments of the most intriguing form.

Wherein she is attempted to, though not attempted indeed, almost

succeeded in performing acts that was heretofore reserved for the gods.

An imitation of her own creator.

On his own grounds, she has marked man's limits, sneered at the

gods, and in her own mind, I created a living creature, a man.

Still don't like needles.

And I still don't like needles.

Please go now. That'll be the last point you're getting.

I'm sending for a specialist.

Believe me, you don't know what you're missing.

When I'm through with you, you'll be a new man.

Five done things right. Grafted the arteries. Connected the nervous system.

And sewn it on properly. And you still can't get it up.

But it must be a non-medical problem.

I'm sending for my niece to counter sexual of Central Europe.

She is known by many to be an expert on the sexual habits of the adult male.

And I'm sure she'll love getting her teeth into this one.

I love being fine.

I love being fine.

Hey, look, we call you back.

Hey, look, we call you back.

Stop that.

Come over here.

Come now, don't be upset. I have a little job for you to do.

I want you to prepare the guest room.

Hello, thanks.

Well, hello. I didn't know you were a real person.

I know.

Or are you an original politics guy like me?

No, I'm not. You have a psychological confrontation. I do not. I prove it.

And you provide a very navigational creation.

You mean like me?

Yes, in a matter of speaking. But in your case, it is difficult.

Because you have a lot of revenue to affect.

It is?

Besides, it's difficult. You have all your products, but they just don't have it.

Well, how about you? It can't be much fun being a sex object either.

I have no feelings.

I'll sew his arm to his ear if he doesn't like things alone.

But then again, if I stop him from playing with

her, he just might begin to think sex is bad.

And that wouldn't do either.

We were just having an interesting talk about sexual apparatus.

Don't worry. We'll not get you working right. You'll do more than just talk.

In the meantime, let the sleeping dog fly.

Remember I called the countess about you?

Well, she'll be coming very soon.

And I want you to cooperate with whatever she wants, okay?

Okay, but no needles.

She doesn't use needles.

She a doctor like you.

She's a specialist.

What kind of specialist?

Well, Frank, listen. This may be your last opportunity to understand.

My cousin, the Countess Sex Killer of

Transylvania, is an expert at erotic, sensual… Well, she's basically a hooker.

You see, originally I created you for my own sexual pleasure.

But so far, I haven't had any. Because you can't get it up.

I'm hoping Sex Killer will be able to change all that.

No, no, no, no, no.

He has easy-natured, gentle, and relaxed.

Perfect in every way, but totally devoid of sexual urges.

He just can't get it up. And you really think that I can help you?

Well, who else has powers like you?

Well, thank you. But what is it that you expected me?

Well, Frank, does it know how to get excited? Or why?

Anyone that I've been with in the past have always known why.

They've always known how, and ooh, how they've known.

I know. That's why I called you, so you can teach them why and how.

First, let me introduce you to the problem.

Frank, my sister, Countess Sex Killer.

Hi, Frank. My, but you're a handsome devil. You did a marvelous job on him.

You say it won't work? What a shame.

I know. It's such a waste. I mean, at least he went the other way.

There'd be something, but right now there's nothing.

Oh, there's got to be something in a girl's bag of tricks.

Just leave it up to me. I'll think of something.

All right. I think we should run some tests on him.

Of course, whatever you need. Right now, all I need is some rest.

How silly of me. Orgy has prepared a room for you.

Orgy?

Frank, would you be so kind to show the Countess to her room, please?

Just a moment. I've got an idea.

Why don't you try a touch of hypnotism, just to

see if it might help us by what we're looking for.

I want you to watch this.

Try to concentrate on it.

Just watch the flickering light.

Just concentrate on the light.

Only the light.

Just hear my voice.

Only my voice.

Come back! Wait! Don't run away! Come back! Come back!

Please don't run away! Please! Come back! Please! Please! Please! Come back!

Frank. Oh. You're back in the lab. Back in the lab.

When you awake, you will remember this dream.

You will remember the girls you met in this dream.

You will awake on the word three.

One.

Two.

Three.

Well, we arrived in some small ways. He was definitely interested in the girls he met.

Now all we have to do is teach him why he was interested.

And show him what to do if he ever catches one.

Well, I'm sure that can wait until tomorrow.

Right now I think he needs some rest.

Frank, would you be a dear and show the countess to the room?

Orgy. Come over here with me. I have something I want to say to you.

My poor Orgy.

I know that you don't understand what I'm saying.

But I want you to see that I know what is wrong.

I know of the pain of loving enough saving.

And I will help you as I promise. And it will be soon.

But right now I must finish with Frank.

A creation of my own hands.

And then you.

So that you may know a woman, a real woman, about just an imitation of a machine.

Tommy, is it possible to take two Jacks at the same time?

Of course. I just have to lay on my side and relax.

Do you think it's time for… Well, not yet. It wouldn't prove a thing.

First, we have to find out what his basic motivation is.

Yes, of course you're right.

Perhaps if we try some association tests.

What I'd like to do is put on a dramatic performance.

Yes, I see what you're getting at.

Here, watch this and you'll see what I mean.

I'm a ear lover.

Don't you be shy.

They're alive. That's terrific. They're alive.

Why don't you read some to me?

I'd rather not. It's a bit daring. I didn't want to offend you.

You can't offend me. It's been in my family for years.

I'd say that Frank is normal in every way but one.

His reaction shows there's something somewhere.

Has he ever been out in a courting fashion?

No. I'm afraid of what he might not do.

Well, I'll have to make some arrangement.

Once they're in the park, please, driver, slowly.

So you're safe.

I feel like they're at you. I think you're a good driver.

May I handle them?

Yes, I'll handle them.

I'll handle them.

I'll handle them.

I'll handle them.

Three, four, one.

Yes!

Three, four, one.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

I understand. What happened?

Well, I think Frank was more interested in the horses.

No.

Still very little interest in me or the other girl.

Well, we expect that, didn't we?

Well, we got kind of carried away. I don't want to go into that.

I think we should put some more science into it.

What I'd like to do is take the sales from the

right kind of people in the right frame of mind.

Frank, why don't you just relax.

We're going to give you a massage.

Just to try to sleep, okay?

Just relax.

This won't hurt a bit.

Just look at them.

Every last one of those sex cells is sleeping.

I'll have to go out and get a whole new bunch.

Well, give them a selection of several different types.

Oh, yeah, as long as they're enthusiastic.

Go easy on that wine. You don't want to get plastered.

Anyway, she says here, I felt a lager fresh from the

forest would be as horny a place as any to start.

Hey, lager. Want a good time?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm going to have to go out and take her for her.

Come on.

Sit down.

Hey, that's a neat trick. We didn't earn that one.

Hello, lover.

Now, ain't that just like a man?

Promise is a good time, man. You can't pay up when the time comes.

Oh, well.

I've known that damn drunk. Ooh, my head with a hangover.

I thought you knew what you were doing.

You're not suffering, are you? I hope Frank doesn't.

What is it, Countess?

Oh, never mind.

Hey, that sex killer really got around.

It says here, for my next sex cell donor, I

went to a place that Baroness had pointed out.

It seemed to be the ideal setting.

I waited to see what was happening.

Is he always late before and dates and… after all?

I told him the right time, that evidently something must have had an entertainer.

Well, I hope he shows up soon, because…

Good. Good. Glad you could make it.

Well, I guess we can proceed.

Dear friends,

heart of the affection for Sheila and Ron,

we have gathered together to witness and bless their mutual vows.

Gonna have a hard time tonight, eh, baby?

Which will unite them in marriage.

To this moment, they bring the fullness of their

hearts as a treasure to share with one another.

They bring the dreams…

They bring the dreams which bind them together.

They bring that particular personality and spirit which is uniquely their own.

And out of which will grow the reality of their life together.

We rejoice with them as the outward symbol of an inward union of hearts.

A union created by friendship, respect and love.

And sex!

Look, you want to continue, don't you?

Yes.

No person then should attend a wedding without

giving thanks to the institution of marriage

and hearing in his heart the vows that are being taken for the first time by others.

No person should leave without doing that for which he came,

praying that our Maker's blessing may truly rest upon this

man and this woman all the days of their life together.

As you pray, so may you also receive a blessing.

You have been invited to share in a happy and a holy occasion the wedding service.

This is a service of worship in which a

covenant is established between husband and wife

in the presence of our Maker.

You are present to join, always inwardly and

sometimes audibly, in this act of worship.

Perhaps you are already married.

For you, this may be a time of remembrance and a renewal of vows.

Perhaps you are contemplating marriage.

Then join with us in this place of prayer,

where we shall all be reminded that marriage

is divinely ordained and is to be kept sacred through joy and adversity.

This is an hour of worship dedicated to our Lord.

The presence of His Spirit

during this service depends in part upon your preparation and participation.

Look, now look, this isn't right.

I mean, this just isn't done in this, in here.

Don't you agree?

Come and just do this and say that for later.

Look, I have to go soon. I have to lock up in a minute.

Can't you do that somewhere else? Can't you wait till later?

Oh, you're still here.

What's he saying? Do you take…

Excuse me. Do you take this man to be a lawful wife of husband?

What did you say?

I said, do you take this man to be a lawful wedded husband?

Of course.

Great. Well, son, do you take this woman to be a lawful wedded wife?

Oh, yes.

I put out your man and wife.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

Great.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Hey, guys, you get the blindfolders out, please. Get the blindfolders down.

The blindfolders are the blindfolders.

Then, as the lights went out, the lights went out, I took my bite.

Somehow I feel different.

There's a stirring in me.

Like there's something alive in me.

Tell us about it. Yes, tell us about it. Describe it.

Well, it's a totally different experience that…

I've never felt anything like it before.

Completely different. I can't believe it.

This is what we've been waiting for. You know, I…

I think this is a feeling that you were talking about.

What would you like to do, Frank?

I mean… Is there something I can do for you?

Well, yes, there is if you don't mind.

Mind? Frank. I'll do anything for you. Anything?

Anything you want.

You make me a sandwich. I'm starved.

Shit! No, ham preferably.

Frank, what happened to that feeling you had before?

Well, that… Well, I started thinking about certain…

It was gone.

Amazing. He takes sex cells from three normally healthy

men to take his mind away from food for ten seconds.

Well, at least we're getting somewhere.

Yes, but this isn't it. We'll just have to try something else.

You know, let's go with this assembly pattern.

Perhaps we'll find something there.

I will get the book. We can only try.

Oh, yes, here it is. Left foot comprises...

large toe inner… graduating smaller in four…

to small toe outer.

He narrowed it down to his head.

So why?

You don't seem to be very interested in the story.

I thought I was giving it more life.

Anyway…

Hmm, everything seems to be perfect.

Suppose his brain was undeveloped.

I don't know. A brain's a brain, but you may be right. Anyway… What do you mean?

When was the first time you discovered sex?

When I took a bath with my cousin.

Right, and that's what we'll do for Frank.

Come on, Frank. Don't be a sister again.

Hmm.

Has he left the bath?

No.

Hey.

I think you're pretty happy.

I bet you can't get out.

Frank!

There.

Oh, I don't know if I ruined it again.

Frank, do people know what time it is?

Let's get out of here.

Let's clean this place up.

What are you doing here?

Well, what does it look like we're doing?

Oh, this is… this is too much.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

All right. Look at this.

I can't get no part of this.

No, I can't get no part of this.

No, I can't get no part of this.

I have absolutely no company here.

None. You'd be doing me a great favor these days.

I mean, after all, isn't that something you're just supposed to do?

Just relax. Just relax. That's all.

I mean, it's just too much.

Oh, I can't do that.

Oh, you have to.

Oh, no.

Yes.

Oh, this is getting much out of line.

I thought you were going to keep me company.

I never said that. You said that.

No, I didn't.

I thought it was something that we agreed on.

Well, these are… I'm confused.

Well, let me try now.

Just tell me. At least a little bit.

That's all you have to do.

Hmm.

You think that wasn't too bad, is it?

No, it didn't hurt, but… What, what, what?

See, what do you need off of something?

I can't go any further.

Oh, yes, Richard.

Oh, I see.

Yeah.

Yeah, but I still have to get used to the idea.

It's beautiful.

That's my better belief, Richard.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

I just want to know, do I really enjoy it?

Yes.

Yes, I really enjoy it.

Mmm.

I'm going to get it.

Mmm.

Yeah.

Oh, Richard.

Mmm.

What do I have to do to get you interested?

What?

Come on, get out of here.

Mmm.

Mmm.

This is the first sentence.

Ahh! Ahh!

It wasn't last.

For a waiting time.

Mmmhmmhmmhmmhmmhmmmmm Oh well.