Original subtitles

Hey, you guys hear of the Dirty Sanchez?

It's good shit, good shit.

You're fingering a chick, right?

Two, even three fingers.

When you slip another finger right in her ass

and then, bang, you stop.

As soon as she turns to see why,

you take that special little finger,

and you wipe it right across her upper lip.

She looks like a damn Dirty Sanchez.

Gross, Alphonse.

Just your typical disgusting chauvinist pig.

Dallas, baby

if you don't like disgusting chauvinist pigs,

you're with the wrong crowd.

Exactly.

Dirty Sanchez. That's fuckin' funny, man.

Hey, Fats

why don't you stop jerking that camera off, man,

and start filming these beautiful girls, huh?

Alright.

Debbie, what got you into amateur porn?

Porn?

I'm just here to

have a kickass time with my favorite girl.

We can't help what gets caught on tape.

Yeah, but I can.

Here, let me tell you what

we're gonna do here, girls. Okay?

We are gonna make history.

We're making a film.

Yeah, it's gonna have action.

It's gonna have drama.

It's gonna have thrills and chills,

but mostly

it's gonna have a lot of sex.

Beautiful.

Now let's talk to Daisy.

Daisy?

Daisy?

Forgive her.

She's a little camera shy.

It's been a while since you've seen one of those, huh?

Now here's Jimbo.

Hey, Jimbo

what the hell are you dong here?

I don't know.

Alphonse was, like, I need a van.

I was, like, I got a van.

And then, he was telling me he was gonna

make nudie photos with my sister,

and that's just not cool, man.

Next thing you know I wake up, I'm in Mexico.

Keep smoking that stuff, Jimbo.

Next time you wake up, you're gonna be in Africa.

Now let's get back to Dallas.

Dallas, what brings you to the wonderful world of porn?

Let me tell you something about Dallas, baby.

She may look like a damn troll,

but she can get her legs so far behind her head...

How the hell would you know?

If I could do some of the shit she pulls,

I'd never leave the house. Yeah.

Dude

okay, dude

I'm telling you were supposed to get on that freeway

like, 12 miles ago.

Which freeway?

The one.

Yeah, fat man, which one?

The one, dude.

There is only one freeway, and it is the one.

You know I don't even see Cabo on this map.

We're dying back here.

Yeah, can we stop? I totally have to pee.

Do you see somewhere to stop, huh?

Please. I really have to go.

You know what?

Why don't you girls take a lesson

from Daisy back there. Huh?

Don't say a word.

She doesn't complain.

She just lays there with her ass hanging out.

This map is a piece of shit.

Dude, what the, what, what are you doing?

What? You know, you know your way

around this crap hole country, Fats.

We don't need a map.

What are you talking about?

Aren't you Mexican?

Yeah, but I was born in Seattle, dude.

Whatever, still Mexican.

You know you could find your way to a taco stand.

Hey, look there's a gas station.

Oh.

Right there.

Thank God. Can we please stop?

No way, chickadees. We got places to be. Alright?

It's the first place we've seen in

like, six hours.

Stop the van, Alphonse

unless you wanna swim in my piss.

Stop the van now!

Okay boys and girls, here we are.

You are a dick.

Hey, hey, hey. I just didn't want my princess

to bare her precious tulip in a craphole like this.

Hello?

Hello?

Damn it.

I smell gringos.

Dude!

Dude, that's the great Diablo Negro mask, man.

And so it is, puny gringo.

El Diablo Negro, best Mexican wrestler of all time.

Bullshit! Nobody can beat El Tigre.

You creeps! May I remind you,

I have to go to the bathroom.

There's an outhouse in the back.

I haven't used it in years.

Me, I just piss against this wall.

Lovely.

So, where you gringos headed with such sweet cargo?

We got the beach, daddy-o.

Oh, beautiful. Me, I ain't into that shit.

Too much pussy is bad for your heart, amigo.

Blow, on the other hand

doesn't want you to call the next day.

You know what I mean?

Precisely.

Hey, might you be able to point us

in the direction of the freeway?

You guys are nowhere near that stretch

of dirt that we natives call the freeway.

Dude, uh, where

where are we?

Well, we locals call this the middle

of no-fucking-where.

That's where you are.

Fuck.

Amigo, don't feel bad.

If you have enough gas, the town's about 100 miles.

A hundred miles?

Yeah, we ain't got but 50 miles of gas, pops.

How 'bout these pumps?

Those?

They haven't pumped since

Mexico was Spanish territory.

Shit, you could take that road south

but then you'd have to

drive by La Sengre De Dios.

La Sengre De Dios? Dude, are you fucking serious?

It's real, amigo.

No way, man. No way.

You're... you're messing with me, man.

That shit is not real.

Guys, guys, what in the fuck are you talking about?

La Sangre De Dios.

La, what the fuck?

La Sangre De Dios, the Blood of Christ.

It's this, it's this old ghost town, man.

And they say that nobody's

lived there for, like, 40 years.

So?

So, it's wherethey put El Mascarado

after he gouged a man's eyes out

with his bare hands.

What?

It's this legend, okay?

It's just this old Mexican legend.

The thing about Mexican legends is

that sometimes they turn out to be true.

That's gotta be some real good shit you got there, pops.

Find out for yourself. For the road, amigo.

Now, if you take that road, you'll find gas,

but do yourselves a favor. Do not stop.

Just keep driving 'til you get there.

Do not stop for any reason.

Drive.

Hey, hey, man.

Where the hell are we?

Well

the natives like to call it

the middle of no-fucking-where.

How's that strike you?

And in the middle of

no-fucking-where we got ourselves

the daddy-o of all locations.

Oh, yeah?

It's a, whoo

it's a ghost town.

Well, no, it's not just any ghost town.

It's La Sangre De Dios.

It's where they brought El Mascarado

after he went crazy.

Who?

El Mascarado.

El Ma-dude, dude, the best Mexican wrestler of all time.

Ooh, was he cute?

Was he cute?

Who, El Mascarado?

Fuck, no. He looked like hell.

Alright, he came out in the early '60s.

See, the President of Mexico loved wrestling,

was obsessed with winning gold at the 1968 Olympics.

Now the problem was

Russia was kicking major ass at the time

and Mexico didn't stand a chance, right?

But, then, out of the blue, El Mascarado appears,

and, man, the guy was a badass.

Ooh! Yeah, tell 'em, my burrito brother.

Yeah, the thing is, this guy came out of nowhere.

I mean, he didn't even exist before.

That's creepy.

Fuck, yeah, that's creepy.

And around the same time he appeared,

three of the best Mexican wrestlers disappeared.

They just, pff, vanished.

Now legend goes, they all ended up

in the hands of these scientists.

Scientists?

Yeah, dude.

Scientists hired by the President,

and these guys created

the perfect wrestler

out of the missing dudes' body parts, man.

Anyway, right before the Olympic trial

something snaps.

El Mascarado starts killing his opponents in the ring.

He became a monster, just nuts, dude.

After that, details get a little bit sketchy.

But rumor has it,

they brought him to this small town,

out in the middle of nowhere, to fix him up.

And the name of that town

La Sangre De Dios.

Okay, am I the only one who noticed

the guy back there was crazy?

Oh, I know. I know.

But if La Sangre De Dios is there, we're stopping.

You're Goddamn right.

Holy shit, dude.

Whoa, daddy! Check that out.

That's creepy. I say we keep going.

Blondie, did I bring you on this trip

to talk or to fuck, huh?

Look out!

Watch the damn road, idiot.

Whoa, yeah!

Ow, hey, hey, man. Did you just fuck up my van?

Nah, it's all good, baby.

She's running smooth.

Smooth as a shaved bush.

Fuck!

Bravo. Bravo.

Hey, Fats, did you bring those bolt cutters?

One step ahead of you, dude.

Ladies and Gentlemen

bitches and 'hoes,

I give you

the ghost town. Whoo!

Dude, it's fucking real.

Yeah, this is one hell of a location.

Oh, man. Oh, man. This is...

What is it, my boy?

It's, it's fucked up, man. This place is just fucked up.

This place better get ready for some good hard core

crotch-on-crotch action.

Camera, huh?

Let's see what we got here.

Little ass smacking okay?

Just like that.

Just like that.

Just like that.

Okay.

Fats.

Fats! Let's go. Let's go!

We're losing light here.

Well, looky here, Miss Daisy. What a surprise. Hi.

Hi.

Get in there. Get in there, drunky.

Get your sweet ass up there.

Listen up, ladies. Listen up. Alright?

You girls, you're waiting for the plumber, okay?

He's not showing up, and you're getting bored.

The plumber?

You are such a dork.

And, action!

That's it.

Yo, excuse me ladies.

Did somebody call a plumber?

Oh, yes, baby.

We're in desperate need of your plumbing

Desperate.

Hey, guys.

Sweetie, you okay?

Grab a breath. Huh?

Hey, Daisy

Daisy?

Daisy, where...

where the fuck are you going?

Shit.

Hey, Fats, keep shooting. Keep shooting.

Why the fuck are you stopping.

I'm rolling. I'm rolling. I got some good stuff.

Good angles, good, good angles there.

Fuck.

Alphonse

tell us when you knew you wanted to make porn.

What the fuck kind of question is that?

I never wanted to make porn.

You see, I wanted to be

the next Scorsese

but I came to realize,

there's just more money in this business.

I mean, who gives a shit about Taxi Driver today?

But Deep Throat?

Now, that's a fucking classic.

Where the hell you guys been?

Can we go now? This place is creepy.

So soon?

My beautiful dolls?

Don't you wanna see what the great

Mexican wrestler here is packing?

Dude!

Okay.

He might not be a wrestler

but I'm sure he knows a couple of moves.

Come on.

Dallas, Dallas

oh, you and Steve,

the wrestler and the contortionist.

Yeah, I'd rather put my own foot

up my own ass.

Whoa, dude. Check this out.

Yeah, I know, man.

No, dude. Check this out.

What?

Here, look. There's a shadow.

So?

So, it's not in this frame.

Yeah, that's the shadow cast by my big dick.

No, dude

look outside the door

right outside the door.

There, there...

there's somebody else here.

Daisy?

No, look again.

Look again. Okay.

'Cause Daisy, Daisy goes, Daisy goes out the door

right here

and then, it, right there.

You see that?

You see that? There's a shadow right there.

Hey, hey

where is Daisy?

She's probably passed out somewhere in this shit hole.

She took my weed, man.

Good boy, Jimbo. Go find her.

And tell her if she's not back at the van

with her skirt up in five minutes,

she can spend the night at the

uh, ghost town hotel. Thank you.

What was I doing?

Daisy.

Daisy?

Whatever

feel some wicked munchies coming on.

Can't believe she took my weed.

Where are those two assholes.

I warned them.

Fuck this.

What a day!

Fuck.

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck

fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

You fucked up the van, man.

I did no such thing, daddy-o.

Dude! What, are, you hit a rock the size

of my ass, like, 20 feet from here.

Say one more word, fat man, say one more fucking word.

Yo, pop the hood open.

Hey. Baby

baby, baby, hey.

Keep your panties on, huh? What are you trying to do?

Hey, asshole

I'll let you know

that my daddy-o's a mechanic, okay?

And I'm not just a pair of tits on legs.

Now, if you don't mind?

Oh, I beg your pardon.

Excuse me.

Jimbo!

Jimbo!

Jimbo!

Hey, wh..., where is she going?

Steve

Steve

Steve! Where are you going?

What the fuck is up with everybody?

Where did she go?

Who the fuck knows?

Women are trouble. That's all they are.

Yeah, dude.

Yeah. I mean, you gotta put in all this work,

and then all you get is more trouble.

Fucking lights work in the fucking ghost town?

What is the fucking story of this place?

I'm telling you, dude, if any of that story is true,

there is some real bad mojo in this town.

Oh, and why is that?

What?

What?

Did you hear that?

There's, there's something behind this wall.

Rats?

I don't think so.

Oh, fuck you.

It's you.

Yeah.

I thought I saw Jimbo in the window.

Oh?

Yeah, it wasn't him, I guess. But I can't find him.

Shh!

What?

That noise.

It's...

it's over there now.

Well, it's Jimbo.

Wait.

What is it?

I don't think we're alone.

I can't see the van from here, man.

Hey, Fats, what do you say we start heading toward

the van, man, huh? Huh?

We are. We doubled back on the main road.

We're headed toward the entrance of town.

Excuse me, sweaty Fats, but you just know your way

around this fucking hell hole?

Dungeons & Dragons, man.

You're looking at a level 14 warrior, here.

I made it through Gauntlet's Maze

of Death in under six hours.

Jimbo!

Jimbo!

Jimbo?

Oh, my God.

Jimbo!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What the fuck happened to his fucking face? Aw, shit!

His face is gone, dude?

Where is his fucking face?

It's El Mascarado, dude.

He took his face off.

What?

That's what Mexican wrestlers do

when they win a fight.

They, they rip their opponent's mask off.

It's the ultimate humiliation.

Oh! You are fucking crazy, fat man!

You are both fucking crazy. I'm leaving.

I'm done. Fucking fuck, fuck you,

fucking fuck

fucking faceless motherfucker.

Oh, shit!

Hey, some... some... somebody's out there, man.

I told you, dude. He is still here!

Who is still here, man?

Is he gone?

Christ! Woman!

You guys, hold the door. Come on!

Yeah, hold the fucking door, Debbie.

Hold the door. Hold it!

Shit, dude!

He's gone.

I think he's gone.

Go, go, go!

Oh, sh...

Open the door.

Dude, open the door.

You crazy?

You think I believe in this sack of shit?

You're fucking crazy, fat man!

Open the door!

Open the fucking door, dude.

Go away.

Go away.

Stop banging on my fucking door.

Steve?

Steve?

Fuck!

Fuck!

Fuck!

Shit!

Do you think he followed us?

No, we lost him.

God damnit!

Oh, are we gonna die?

No, no, we are getting out of this town.

How?

I don't know.

What is this?

What are you doing?

Dude!

This is about El Mascarado.

Fif..., hol...

dude, they gave him, like,

50 lobotomies, and it didn't help for shit.

They used human test subjects.

They, they used people from this town.

They

oh, shit, he killed them all.

He just tore them to shreds.

His, his only, his only, uh

objective is, uh, the complete

uh, dest...

destruction is, uh,

do, no entre

do not enter, quadrilateral.

His only objective is to destroy

do not enter quadrilat...

Quadrilateral

Quad...

That's it.

That's it. He follows the rules.

He what?

He follows the rules, the rules of wrestling.

We're gonna retire that son of a bitch tonight.

Steve!

No, it's okay.

It's okay. We got him.

I know how to stop him.

Shit!

Let' go.

Yeah, whoo.

Who's your daddy?

These never end.

Listen to me. Listen to me.

We have got to take his mask off.

What?

Alright, look. Uh, the rules of Mexican wrestling state

when a...

a wrestler's face is, is revealed to the public,

he must retire in humiliation forever

and never show his face

to the world again.

What are you talking about?

If we take his mask off, he's done. He's finished.

How do we take that thing's mask off?

That I don't know.

Holy shit!

I can't see anything.

What the fuck was that?

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

I, I've got a switch.

Oh, my God.

He's coming. He's coming!

Move, move! Get away from the door.

Okay, I got it.

Okay.

We've got to get to the van.

I know.

What are we gonna do? We gotta get out of here!

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Quadrilatero

it's a ring.

It's a wrestling ring.

What are you talking about?

Oh, my God!

Oh, shit.

My God!

What...

Oh, my God, we're gonna die.

We're gonna die.

What are you doing?

Oh, no. Steve

what are you doing?

Steve!

Come on, you fucker!

Oh, no!

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Oh, my God!

No, no!

No!

Hey, guys!

Hey, I fixed the van.

Where are you?

Guys

what the hell?

Hey, if you're not out here

in five minutes, I'm gonna leave.

You hear that, Alphonse?

Where are you guys?

Hello?

Jimbo?

You guys can't be too far.

Guys?

Guys?

Shit

oh, shit.

Shit!

Steve?

You...

you gotta...

you gotta take his mask.

Oh, what

it's okay, Steve.

It's okay. No!

Take...

his...

mask...

off.

Hasta la vista, you fuck.

And, and then, I'll start over, rapping about

how he killed each character.

He's like,"I beat up Steve in a record pace.

If you step to me, I'm gonna take your face. "You know?

If you vulgar, and you got no respect,

you're gonna end up with a nail through your neck.

Alphonse, he's dead as hell.

I found Jimbo, and that's all she wrote-a.

That's what you get when you smoke the mota.

I'm going to remodel my Mexican palace.

I'll wallpaper my rooms with Debbie and Dallas.

I own this town from the church to the steeple.

I made mincemeat out of all the townspeople.

With his muscles of steel and big cojones,

El Mascarado heats up my pantalones.

I took your life. Now I ta... now I take your van.

This is El Mascarado saying, "Peace out, man."