Original subtitles

[ELVIS PRESLEY'S "KISSIN' COUSINS" PLAYING]

♪ Cousins Kissin' cousins ♪

♪ Kissin's allowed 'Cos we're proud ♪

♪ To be cousins ♪

♪ What's a little teasin' Huggin' and a-squeezin' ♪

♪ Between us cousins ♪

♪ Oh it's so great to be One big family ♪

♪ And we show it Yes we show it ♪

♪ You see, we never feud We're a happy brood ♪

♪ Folks all know it Yes they know it ♪

♪ Cousins Kissin' cousins ♪

♪ Honey we dress up And we mess up ♪

♪ We're just cousins ♪

♪ Cousins Kissin' cousins ♪

♪ Cousins ♪

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

MAN: Strategic Air Command Logistics

considers Big Smoky Mountain...

a most important site in this group of ICBM missile bases...

one that we feel will be vital in this defense pattern.

But the Tatum family owns Big Smoky Mountain...

and has for more than a hundred years.

Captain North and Lieutenant Roth

report that all attempts to negotiate...

ended in negative.

They were forced to retreat under fire.

Oh, hell's fire, Andy.

You're not gonna let Tennessee Mountain lunatics...

throw a monkey wrench in the National Missile Defense.

But, Sam, Big Smoky Mountain is private property.

We can't resort to force.

I know that...

but we can defend ourselves, can we not?

Yes, sir.

Well, then send in a fresh team.

Now, I want Army engineers to start site preparation...

on old Smoky in seven days, and that's an order.

Yes, sir.

That'll be all, gentlemen.

"Salbo, Robert Jason. Captain. Serial number 97-887-711.

"Just completed tour of duty, Goose Bay, Labrador.

Prior to that--"

Uh, Korea, Okinawa, Formosa, Saigon, Algeria.

Hmm.

You seem to have had more than your share

of foreign duty, captain.

Yes, sir, general, that's what my wife contends.

Sir, my home is here in Washington.

If I get to see my wife tonight,

it'll be the first time in three years.

Well, now, captain,

if you complete Operation Big Smoky within seven days...

I think I can promise you a long tour of duty

right here in the Pentagon.

Oh, thank you, sir.

On the other hand, if you fail to get that lease

from these mountain people...

we do have some bases in Greenland,

and you may never see your wife again.

Well, sir, I've never failed a mission yet.

Good.

And remember, this operation is top-secret.

Yes, sir.

Now, who are you picking for the other half of your team?

Sir, I'd like a personnel check made

to see if we have an officer...

who was born in the Great Smoky Mountain area.

Uh, someone who speaks the same language

as these, uh, rebellious mountaineers.

Good thinking, captain. Thank you, sir.

Run an IBM check through Air Force personnel.

I want an officer who was born

in the Great Smoky Mountain area...

of Tennessee, North Carolina or Georgia.

Have him report to Captain Salbo on the double.

Second Lieutenant Josh Morgan reporting as ordered, sir.

These are my orders, sir.

SALBO: At ease, lieutenant.

Thank you, sir.

F-84 Star jet pilot, eh?

Yes, sir.

I'm a member of the Shooting Star acrobatic team.

We're supposed to do a show in Houston.

I don't care whether you pilot a jet or a flying carpet.

I'm interested only in the fact...

that you were born in Hidden Rock, North Carolina.

Now...

...how far is that from, uh, Big Smoky Mountain, Tennessee?

Well, sir, uh, on a clear day...

you can see old Big Smoky Mountain

from my front porch in Hidden Rock.

Good, good, good.

Now, Big Smoky is owned by a mountain family named Tatum.

Have you ever heard of them?

Tatum?

Yes, sir. I had a great-great-aunt

that married a Tatum back in 1907...

but we lost track somewhere along--

We'll get you back on the track.

Now, the Tatums flatly refuse to lease

the top of their mountain...

for an ICBM missile base.

Our job is to get that lease, and within seven days.

I take it, uh, it's an important mission, sir.

Top-secret.

Mm-hm.

Well, then, uh, begging the captain's pardon...

may I make, uh, a suggestion?

Oh, by all means.

You better pick another mountain, sir.

That's a very interesting suggestion. Why?

[JOSH SCOFFS]

Well, sir, it's, uh, like biting into a beehive.

Well, let me put it this way, lieutenant.

If we don't get that lease,

my next tour of duty would be in Greenland.

Oh, that would be too bad, sir.

Yes, it would.

And guess who would be my executive officer?

[JOSH CLEARS THROAT]

You wouldn't, sir. Oh, yes, I would.

Well, uh, in that case, uh, may I make another suggestion?

Well, I hope it's a little better than the last one.

If I'm gonna sweet-talk these Tatums

into giving us that lease, uh...

I better not be in uniform.

Anything from the government gets shot in the Big Smoky, sir.

I don't care if you wear a bikini,

just as long as we get that lease.

Our plane leaves for Tennessee in 30 minutes.

Let's go.

Yes, sir.

Oh, uh, sir, there's this little old gal--

Who's gonna be a little older by the next time you see her.

Yeah. Move it, lieutenant.

She's a little old now, sir.

[SOLDIERS WHISTLING]

[WHISTLING ELVIS PRESLEY'S "SMOKEY MOUNTAIN BOY"]

♪ I'm just A Smokey Mountain boy ♪

♪ Comin' back To the hills I love ♪

♪ With the tops of pine A-bendin' in the wind ♪

♪ And the deep blue sky above ♪

♪ The closer and closer I get to home ♪

♪ The more excited I am ♪

♪ Those were the mornings I'd roll out of bed ♪

♪ Start the day off With hot cornbread ♪

♪ Smothered in Huckleberry jam ♪

♪ I'm just A Smokey Mountain boy ♪

♪ Comin' back To the hills I love ♪

♪ With the tops of pine A-bendin' in the wind ♪

♪ And the deep blue sky above ♪

♪ I can almost hear the hounds Runnin' through the woods ♪

♪ Close on the trail Of a hare ♪

♪ How I long to be with them ♪

♪ Followin' the hounds A-huntin' again ♪

♪ A-getting me A big old grizzly bear ♪

♪ I'm just A Smokey Mountain boy ♪

♪ Comin' back To the hills I love ♪

♪ With the tops of pine A-bendin' in the wind ♪

♪ And the deep blue sky above ♪

♪ I've traveled around And met lots of girls ♪

♪ No matter how many I see ♪

♪ I left some pretty ones Behind ♪

♪ I know back home Is where I'll find ♪

♪ The girl whose love Is meant for me ♪

♪ I'm just A Smokey Mountain boy ♪

♪ Comin' back To the hills I love ♪

♪ With the tops of pine A-bendin' in the wind ♪

♪ And the deep blue sky above ♪

[SOLDIERS WHISTLING]

SALBO [READING SIGN]: Tatum territory, so get.

What does that mean?

Just a neighborly first warning, sir.

What's the second warning, a land mine?

Column forward!

[GUNFIRE]

Take cover!

Second warning, sir.

BAILEY: What the...is going on?

Sergeant, take a rifle squad and get those snipers.

Get them with what, sir?

This is no time to play 20 Questions.

We haven't got any ammunition, sir.

No ammo? That's right.

Lieutenant, what happened to the ammo I requisitioned?

The ammo, sir? Uh, uh, uh...

Supply, uh, wouldn't honor it, sir,

because you forgot to sign it.

I see. And you forgot to bring it back

for me to sign it, eh?

Well, uh, ha-ha, I don't think we need it, sir.

See, these people wanna be our friends.

Watch, I'll show you.

Hey--!

[GUNSHOT AND THEN BAILEY COUGHS]

That's no way to start a friendship.

All right, since you're a mountain expert

and don't need any ammunition...

[GUNSHOT]

...shag your tail out there

and make friends with the natives.

Uh, uh, uh, you mean you want me to go there?

SALBO: That's exactly what I mean.

But these people are shooting, uh, ammo, sir, live ammo.

Now, lieutenant. Yes, sir.

Wait a minute. Yes, I will, sir.

What's going on? You'll need a white flag.

A white flag? BAILEY: Yeah.

SALBO: Where is it?

Well... SALBO: What is that?

I was, uh, on leave, sir,

when they called me for this duty.

This will have to do. I see.

[BAILEY MUTTERS]

Good luck, lieutenant.

Yeah.

Hold your fire, friends.

Hold your fire.

Hold your fire.

JOSH: Hey.

This is a friendly visit. There's no reason for shooting.

This is Tatum territory, Yankee.

Now, take your gas buggies

and skedaddle off of Pappy's mountain.

That's no way to be greeting kinfolks.

Jodie? Jodie?

Who's Jodie?

What are you doing with my face?

Well, that's a right good question, friend.

What's your name?

What's yours?

I'm, uh, Josh Morgan from Hidden Rock, North Carolina.

Then you is kinfolk.

My name's Selena Tatum. That's my sister Azalea.

Howdy. This here's our cousin Jodie Tatum.

If I'd known you gals were so downright good-looking,

I'd have been here long ago.

Don't let him sweet-talk you.

He ain't proved he's kinfolk yet.

Oh, I can prove that too.

My Great-Great-Aunt Euphrasia married a Tatum back in 1907.

See, Jodie. He is kinfolk.

Practically kissing cousins.

Uh, to you two gals, not him.

What you doing up here, Cousin Josh?

Well, we came up on a friendly visit

to talk to you folks.

Sort of, uh, on government business.

Yeah, well, we've seen them revenuers before.

We sent them back down

with lead buzzing around their tails.

You hush up, Jodie. Them was no-account Yankees.

I reckon Pappy and Ma

will be right glad to meet you, Cousin Josh.

[HAZEKIAH WHINING]

Hezekiah, meet your cousin Josh Morgan.

Hello there. Hello, buddy.

That, uh, dog's got a mighty powerful handshake there.

That wasn't no dog. That was me.

Jodie, you quit that.

I'm a champion wrestler of Smoky Mountain.

I ain't taking nobody to meet Pappy

unless I throw them first.

Well...

Maybe you scared, Cousin Josh.

Jodie.

That's all right, Selena.

Okay, Jodie, I'll give you a try.

[GRUNTING]

AZALEA: Pour it on him, Cousin Josh.

Watch out he don't gouge you.

SELENA: Go on, get him.

Bite his hand.

AZALEA: Give it to him.

Jodie, come on.

SELENA: The revenuers are after us.

Give it to him, Josh.

AZALEA: Twist his arm off, Cousin Josh!

Who's side you on anyway?

Sounds like the lieutenant's in trouble, captain.

Yeah, fix bayonets.

Fix bayonets!

Okay.

Move them out. Extended order.

BAILEY: Deploy your skirmishers. Move out!

Come on. Come on, Josh!

Get him, Cousin Josh. SELENA: Cousin Josh.

Don't let him push you around.

SELENA: Give it to him, Josh.

AZALEA: Don't let him push you around.

SELENA: Look out there, Josh.

That's it. Come on.

Watch out, Josh. Hit him right there!

Selena, the revenuers are coming.

SELENA: Come on. Get up, Jodie. Get up, get up.

AZALEA: The revenuers are after us.

Come on there. The revenuers are after us.

Come on. Jodie, stop that fighting!

[AZALEA & SELENA SHOUTING AND THEN SCREAMING]

Hold it! All right, hold it!

Hold it. Revenuers.

Hold it. You're surrounded.

We never had targets like this in training.

Never mind. Mr. Morgan!

Yes, sir? What's the meaning of this?

Well, sir, may I present Selena and Azalea Tatum.

This is Captain Salbo.

Oh, how do you do, ladies?

I'm delighted to make your acquaintance.

However, I feel I must warn you

that firing on the United States Army--

And, uh, this is, uh, Jodie Tatum,

great-great-grandson of my, uh, great--

Great-Great-Aunt Euphrasia Morgan.

I know, I know--

Two of you, eh? Just what I needed.

Champion wrestler of the whole mountain.

You wanna wrestle?

Uh, no, thank you, not at the moment.

Morgan, will you arrange for these people

to take us to their leader.

Pappy'd fill you full of lead

unless he was prepared for your coming.

Jodie will take you to the cabin.

Oh, thank you.

I'm sure there'll be room for you ladies in the jeep.

We'll just soften Pappy up with Cousin Josh first.

SELENA: Come on, Cousin Josh. We're taking the shortcut.

SALBO: Shortcut?

Hmm.

All right, lead on, Macduff.

The name's Jodie.

I was just jok--

Put that thing away.

Here, take this. Let's go.

[CHATTERING]

[GIRLS GIGGLING]

AZALEA: Come on, Josh.

SELENA: Hurry up!

[AZALEA SCREAMS AND THEN SELENA SQUEALS]

Well, here we are.

Yep, here we are.

[ELVIS PRESLEY'S "THERE'S GOLD IN THE MOUNTAINS" PLAYING]

♪ There are lots of girls In the mountains ♪

♪ And they're worth Their weight in gold ♪

♪ When they're in my arms ♪

♪ With their love and charms ♪

♪ A treasure chest I hold ♪

♪ Well, there's gold In the mountains ♪

♪ Love in the hills ♪

♪ I don't need Those city women ♪

♪ With them diamonds And frills ♪

♪ There's gold In the mountains ♪

♪ And, oh, what scenery ♪

♪ The prettiest girls I ever did see ♪

♪ There's such beauty there In the mountains ♪

♪ You can feel your knees Growing weak ♪

♪ Every single boy Feels the height of joy ♪

♪ When he climbs That mountain peak ♪

♪ Well, there's gold In the mountains ♪

♪ Love in the hills ♪

♪ I don't need Those city women ♪

♪ With them diamonds And frills ♪

♪ There's gold In the mountains ♪

♪ And, oh, what scenery ♪

♪ The prettiest girls I ever did see ♪

♪ I said there's gold In the mountains ♪

♪ Love in the hills ♪

♪ I don't need Those city women ♪

♪ With them diamonds And frills ♪

♪ There's gold In the mountains ♪

♪ And, oh, what scenery ♪

♪ The prettiest girls I ever did see ♪

♪ I ever did see ♪

♪ I ever did see ♪

[AZALEA & SELENA LAUGH]

SELENA: Let's go find Ma.

Ma!

AZALEA: Ma?

AZALEA: Ma!

[TRUDY LAUGHING]

[TRUDY WHOOPING]

[PIGS SQUEALING]

SELENA: Ma, where are you?

AZALEA: Ma! Nobody's gonna hurt you.

AZALEA: Ma!

Jodie.

What you done to your hair?

Where'd you get them clothes?

Why aren't you doing your chores,

you lazy, good-for-nothing--?

Ma!

Let me be. Let me be.

Ma, that ain't Jodie.

It ain't? No.

It's Josh Morgan.

From Hidden Rock, North Carolina, ma'am.

Well, how come you is the spitting image

of my nephew Jodie?

Ha, it's probably because we're cousins.

Morgan? Oh, n--

Morgan? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, back in 1907.

That no-account Jubal Tatum, he married up with a Morgan.

I remember my pa telling about that.

My Aunt Euphrasia.

Oh, well, welcome to Smoky Mountain, cousin.

Thank you. Gals, where's your manners?

Go get that coffee pot boiling. Come on, cousin.

JOSH: All right.

MA: You gotta come in the house with us.

[CHICKENS CACKLING AND THEN HORN HONKS]

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

MA: Jodie, you all right?

I'm all right. Then go pen up them chickens.

Oh, uh, Mrs., uh, Tatum, I presume?

I'm Captain Salbo.

He's a friend of mine, Ma.

Yes, indeed, and may I say how pleased I am...

to make your acquaintance, Mrs. Tatum.

Yeah.

Well, since you're a friend of Josh's...

I reckon maybe you can join us inside for coffee.

Ah, thank you, Mrs. Tatum.

Folks round here call me Ma Tatum.

That's Ma, Ma. SALBO: Yeah.

[TRUDY WHOOPING]

I might've known it. Them Kittyhawks is a-coming.

Kittyhawks? Are they dangerous?

Oh--

Uh, I don't reckon they'll bother you none.

Uh-huh.

[WOMEN WHOOPING]

Here they come.

Hey. Sergeant-- Stop that. Stop that.

[JODIE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY AND WOMEN SQUEALING]

Lieutenant Morgan, do something.

You dang men-starved critters. Now get.

Come on, get out.

Get away from those soldiers. SALBO: Get the men in the truck.

JOSH: Get back in the truck.

[GUNSHOT]

How many times I must tell you Kittyhawks

to get down in your valley?

Get off my land. Get, get, get.

You get. Get, you hear me? You hear me? Hear me?

Ma, what's these government soldiers--?

Platoon, fall in! MA: Just a minute, Pappy.

PAPPY: Fall in? Fall out!

Get out! Get off my land!

Get off the hill-- Just a minute, Pappy.

We got a surprise for you.

I've got enough surprises around here

with all these jezebels...

and these Kittyhawks and these government critters.

Mr. Tatum-- PAPPY: Hush up, you.

[PAPPY MUTTERS]

Jodie?

Jodie, what'd them gals do to you?

That ain't Jodie.

Well, why ain't it?

That's your cousin Josh Morgan.

A cousin?

Sure got the sassy face of a Tatum.

Where'd you get that?

I guess I got it from old Jubal Tatum.

He ran off with my great-great-aunt.

Euphrasia Morgan.

Jubal and Euphrasia? Ha.

Ha, you is welcome, boy.

But now these here government critters--

Uh, Pappy, uh, uh, this is Captain Salbo.

He's a good friend of mine.

Government man a friend of yours?

We came up to talk business.

Yes. Mr. Tatum, we're here to discuss the matter of--

Whoa up, you, whoa.

I don't discuss nothing on an empty belly.

Nothing.

Josh, you wanna come to chow,

well, we can talk after.

If you want, you can bring him with you.

Where can we camp? Uh--

SERENA: Uh, couldn't they camp at Porcupine Flats, Pappy?

Porcupine? On my Porcupine?

It'd just be for one night, Pappy.

Well, all right, Josh.

[TRUDY WHOOPING AND THEN LAUGHING]

PAPPY: Jodie!

No-good troublemaking critter.

Hey, come back here.

I told you to quit messing around with them Kittyhawks.

Look here, Jodie. I wasn't doing anything.

Them's awful pretty girls, Pappy.

So why they so much trouble?

Them and their kind have been running around for years...

stirring up the game.

They're looking for men to marry

who'll give them boy babies, that's what.

There ain't been nothing but gals

born in Kittyhawk Valley in 20 years.

[CHATTERING]

[SALBO HARRUMPHS]

Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Tatum, uh, thank you very much...

for your dinner invitation and, uh...

Lieutenant, take over. Yes, sir.

Pappy, Ma, thank you very much,

and we'll see you tonight.

Tonight.

Okay, men, back in the trucks.

Don't you disturb a twig up there in Porcupine Flats now.

Everything's hooked up and operational, sir.

All right, sergeant, that's all.

Thank you, sir.

Lieutenant, get me SAC headquarters at the Pentagon.

All right.

Big Smoky calling Big Blue.

Big Smoky calling Big Blue.

Captain.

Ah, this'll make the big brass sit up and wag their tails.

[SALBO CLEARS THROAT]

Hello, Big Blue.

Captain Salbo calling General Donford.

Top priority.

Donford speaking.

Yes, Salbo.

You are? Have any trouble?

Well, sir, we had a little lively sniper fire at first...

but, uh, I resorted to my usual diplomacy,

and everything's under control now.

[JOSH COUGHS]

What's that, lieutenant?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. It was nothing.

Ah. Uh, sorry, sir. Yes?

Uh, yes, indeed. Matter of fact...

the lieutenant and I are having dinner with the Tatums...

at their cabin this evening, to discuss the lease.

Excellent.

That makes you one day closer to a Pentagon job, Salbo.

Or six days left for me to decide where to send you.

Salbo, get that lease.

SALBO: Yes, sir.

Lieutenant, General Krueger wants a daily progress report

in triplicate.

How am I supposed to do that, sir?

How? With a typewriter, paper and carbon, that's how.

Well, even if we had that stuff, I'm no typist.

I don't think anybody else up here is.

All right, tomorrow when you go down for mail and supplies...

pick up a, uh, steno clerk and a typewriter.

Right. And let's hurry up.

We can't keep the Tatums waiting.

Mm. Something smells mighty good, Pappy.

[PAPPY SNIFFS]

The night air brings out the smell of that sour mash.

What's he doing here, Pappy?

That's Jubal's boy. They came to eat and talk.

I ain't eating nothing with him until I done whupped him first.

MA: Any whupping to be done here,

I'm gonna do it, you're gonna get it.

Ma, you--

Now, you go out there and eat with them pigs

till you find your manners.

That was pretty, Ma.

You still ain't lost your touch, ha-ha.

And you is the prettiest girl-- Oh, Pappy.

MA: Oh, Pappy, now stop it, ha-ha.

You're sweet-talking me all the time.

Well, everybody, come on and eat now,

before the vittles get cold.

Know something, Cousin Josh?

No, what?

I don't wanna throw nobody,

but I wouldn't mind getting throwed.

Oh, come on, Azalea.

[SALBO SIGHS AND THEN MOANS]

Madam, words fail me.

Your culinary talents supersede the most exotic cuisine.

You don't like it?

Oh, no, no, no. On the contrary.

He means he'd like some more, Ma.

Oh, well, that's good.

Good, good.

I like to see a young fella who's a good eater.

I must say, in all my travels,

I've never tasted anything quite like it.

You ain't, never? SALBO: Mm-mm.

Oh, shucks, it ain't nothing but

possum tails, owl gizzards and grits...

fried in bear grease.

And then that there gravy, that's just goat's milk...

with vulture eggs and mashed catfish eyes.

Uh, the catfish eyes brings out the flavor of the possum tails.

Excuse me.

I think I forgot something in my jeep.

Why'd he leave in such a hurry? Did something come up?

Well, not yet, Mr. Tatum, but, uh, I think it might.

Smoke, Cousin Josh?

From our own tobacco patch down by the crick.

Oh, that's mighty good smoking.

Now, uh, Josh...

what's this vital important talk that you two meant?

What do you want?

You don't look so good.

[GASPING] It must be the mountain air.

[SALBO SWOONS]

PAPPY: Eat your supper.

Uh, Mr. Tatum, let me explain.

We are a site-activating team from SAC,

Strategic Air Command-- Oh, oh, oh, oh.

You ain't gonna get no place

unless you start talking American.

Excuse me, captain, let me explain.

Please do.

Well, you see, Pappy, the government--

Uh, whose government?

Ha, the United States government.

PAPPY: Oh. They wanna use the top

of this mountain to, uh, build an ICBM firing base.

BM?

JOSH: Ballistic missile.

Oh, I see.

That's right, ICBM.

You see BM?

Well, I don't.

Me neither, Pappy.

And I ain't so sure of what I heard.

Uh...my turn.

Uh, Mr. Tatum, don't you get the newspapers up here?

Oh, sure. We use them to patch the holes in the wall.

Your turn.

Hey, Pappy, come here. Look.

See?

PAPPY [LAUGHING]: It looks like somebody's still blowed up--

Now you're getting the idea.

It's not a still though, Pappy. It's a rocket.

It's like a big bullet with explosives in the end.

When it hits the target, pow, that's it.

Pow. Yeah.

Why they use such a big bullet just for target practice?

Well, it's part of our National Defense System.

You know, ICBM.

PAPPY: You see BM too?

How can everybody see it but me?

I give up.

Pappy, uh, they're not used for target practice.

They won't be used at all

unless somebody starts a war against us, see?

Oh, you mean if there's a feud? Yeah.

Yeah, we, uh, protect our country,

like you do against the revenuers.

Oh. I see.

You see BM now too, Pappy?

I think so.

But no gavoom.

Uh, Mr. Tatum, the point is, our government

is willing to lease the top of your mountain...

for $500 a month.

PAPPY: Five hundred dollars a month?

But, uh, since yours is a very special mountain...

the government will raise that to $1,000 a month,

right, captain?

[SALBO STUTTERS]

PAPPY: One thousand dollars?

That's a powerful hunk of money.

PAPPY: One thousand? Think of the things we can get.

Just think, we could get one of them newfangled bathtubs

and purty dresses.

And a new hot-water heater.

That crick gets mighty cold in the wintertime.

Yeah, maybe one of them electric-light machines.

Whoa up there, the whole kit and caboodle of you.

PAPPY: I can't think with you all bellowing at me.

And not a peep out of you three.

Well, now, Josh...

...the Tatums owned this mountain...

for quite a spell.

It was a good way of life, peaceful and, uh...

Of course, we had a lot of fun when the revenuers came.

But things don't stand still anymore, Pappy.

You have to progress.

Progress? Progress?

You want me to be like one of them city fellas...

busting a gut to make money to put new-fandangled doodads...

on female critters?

They is in the grave when they is 50 years old.

That's right.

Our mountain men ain't considered in their prime

till they's nudging 90.

Great Scott, man.

The security of our nation is at stake.

Now, where's your patriotism?

You can bet I ain't wearing it.

It's here, here, here.

Now, you shag-tail back to Porcupine Flats.

You get. But, Mr. Tatum, I--

I got a powerful piece of thinking to do...

before I turn this mountain over

to a bunch of government critters.

Now, you get. Well, I didn't--

I'll see you at the base later, captain.

Oh, yeah-- Well, yes. I, uh... Well...

Oh, uh, thank you, ma'am, for a very unusual supper.

He didn't finish it.

Josh, if it wasn't for you...

I'd have blasted him and all those Army critters

right off this mountain.

Well, I know how you feel, Pappy,

but, uh, don't be too hard on the captain.

He got shot in the head over in Korea, see?

MA: Aw.

That must've hurt.

That poor half-witted critter.

From now on, you treat that captain

with love and kindness, you hear?

Well, I'll study on it.

[AZALEA & SELENA LAUGHING]

[ELVIS PRESLEY'S "ONE BOY, TWO LITTLE GIRLS" PLAYING]

♪ One boy ♪

♪ Two little girls ♪

♪ Three hearts ♪

♪ Yearning for love ♪

♪ Although it's hard To explain ♪

♪ I know it may sound insane ♪

♪ But this one boy ♪

♪ Loves two little girls ♪

♪ Folks say ♪

♪ Three is a crowd ♪

♪ To each boy ♪

♪ One girl's allowed ♪

♪ But right now I'm having such fun ♪

♪ I just can't Give up either one ♪

♪ 'Cause this one boy ♪

♪ Loves two little girls ♪

♪ There will come a time ♪

♪ I'll have to settle down ♪

♪ But until that time ♪

♪ I love two girls Hanging around ♪

♪ Now, one day ♪

♪ I must decide ♪

♪ Which one ♪

♪ I'll choose for my bride ♪

♪ But till we three must part ♪

♪ I've twice as much love In my heart ♪

♪ 'Cause this one boy ♪

♪ Loves two little girls ♪

I betcha you can't catch me Unless I let you.

Betcha I can. Leave her be, Josh.

It does her good to run around

when she gets that feeling.

I ain't gonna run alone and leave you here with him.

Now, just a minute, gals.

Uh, look, we can play games later.

Now, I gotta talk to both of you.

I need your help.

Oh, anything we can do, Josh.

We need the top of this mountain.

It's to protect us all.

Well, I'm willing, but Pappy and his pappy before him...

have been dead set against government critters.

They won't bother you folks at all.

Well, I don't know if I like that.

[AZALEA GIGGLES]

I don't mean it like that.

I mean that Porcupine Flats is far enough away...

that Pappy won't even know that the base is there.

[TRUDY LAUGHS]

[SIGHING]

Hey, there's a lot of mighty pretty things you could buy...

for a thousand dollars a month.

We'll just have to pin him down, Josh.

Oh, speak for yourself, Azalea.

If we try to sweet-talk Pappy,

he'll know and he'll whup us good.

Well, then think of this.

You'll have the whole United States Army

chasing after you, huh?

Yeah. It might be worth a whupping at that.

[TRUDY WHOOPING]

What's that?

It's the Kittyhawks.

[KITTYHAWKS SQUEALING]

AZALEA: Well, they must've spotted you, Josh.

Come on.

[KITTYHAWKS HOOTING]

They gone?

AZALEA: Yeah. We must've fooled them this time.

Yeah, ain't it a shame?

I mean that the Army boys aren't here.

Oh.

Well, we'll talk to Pappy for you, Cousin Josh.

Yeah? No matter how hard he whups us.

And we'll just keep talking till either him or us gives up.

You don't know what it means to me, really.

We're having fried squirrel and cornpone for breakfast

if you'd like to come.

I'd like to, but the captain's sending me

down to Knoxville in the morning.

Mountain-style, honey.

[SELENA SQUEALS]

AZALEA: Josh! Josh!

What'd I do wrong?

Nothing that I could tell.

Now it's my turn.

I don't know about that.

Josh, please?

[ELVIS PRESLEY'S "CATCHIN' ON FAST" PLAYING]

♪ Won't you show me How to kiss? ♪

♪ Put your lips on mine? ♪

♪ Do you do it Just like this? ♪

♪ Tell me I'm doing fine ♪

♪ We got a good thing Going now ♪

♪ Take your time ♪

♪ Come on and make it last ♪

♪ Love may be new to you ♪

♪ But, ooh, I'm catching on fast ♪

♪ Give, give ♪

♪ Give me all you got to give ♪

♪ Love, love ♪

♪ Love every moment you live ♪

♪ Now you've taught me All you know ♪

♪ Have I passed the test? ♪

♪ Show me all you got to show ♪

♪ Baby, you're the best ♪

♪ But tell me I've learned quickly ♪

♪ And I know each trick ♪

♪ I'm sure love's gonna last ♪

♪ Love may be new to you ♪

♪ But, ooh, I'm catching on fast ♪

Can I marry up with y'all?

I can't think of one reason why not.

Oh, I can.

Selena's oldest, and she's gotta get married first.

Just have to teach her how to wrestle,

so she can throw old Jodie.

[AZALEA YELLS]

[SIGHS]

Hey, lieutenant.

Yeah? You been swimming?

Oh, you might call it that, yeah.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Sure beats flying F-84's, doesn't it?

But it's just as dangerous.

Oh, I don't know.

All depends on how you wanna die.

Take that little Selena gal, for instance.

You like that, huh?

Oh, are you kidding? What's not to like?

I know what you mean, sergeant.

Sergeant. Yes, sir?

I'm gonna give you a new assignment.

You're to, uh, capture the affections of one Selena Tatum.

When I give an order, sergeant, I expect you to snap to.

Yes, sir.

Boy, for an assignment like that,

I gotta get my snapper fixed.

SALBO: All right, men, you have your assignments.

Now, go to work.

Lieutenant, dismiss the men.

JOSH: Yes, sir.

JOSH: Halt. Attention. Dismissed.

BAILEY: All set, lieutenant.

JOSH: All right, sergeant.

You better gas her up when you get to the base.

Right, sergeant.

AZALEA: Hey, Josh, wait for us! SELENA: Josh!

BAILEY: Oh, hey, look, we got company.

SELENA: Wait a minute!

Hi.

Can we hitch a ride to Knoxville with y'all?

Be my pleasure. Hop in.

We wanna buy them fancy things you was telling us about.

Yeah, and we got $6.87 cash money too.

I'd like you to meet my old friend Sergeant Bailey.

How do you do?

I'll be right back.

Snap to, sergeant.

Yes, sir.

It works.

You know what I thought when I saw you on the trail yesterday?

I'm a-listening.

I said to myself, "George--" That's me.

I said, "George, there is, without a doubt...

the most gorgeous female you've ever seen in all your life."

Well, keep right on talking, George, honey.

Baby, you are Cleopatra, Helen of Troy,

and Marie Antoinette all rolled up into one.

Well, don't keep talking about your old girlfriends.

Just talk about me.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

So, uh, it's as simple as this, captain.

The gals are the only ones

that can help us get that lease from Pappy.

And if a small investment will keep them on our team,

I think it'd be worth it, sir.

Just what are you getting at, Morgan?

Look, captain, they got $6.87.

To them, that's a big deal.

Now, what can it cost SAC? Maybe 10, 15 or $20 at the most.

You mean you want a requisition

for their purchases in Knoxville?

Yes, sir.

Good thinking, Morgan.

Thank you, sir.

If I'd known you was coming,

I'd have had Josh bring you to supper last night.

There'll be other times. Like tonight, maybe.

Save your money, girls.

The captain has something to tell you. Captain.

Ladies, all the things you buy will be with the compliments...

of the Strategic Air Command.

Ah. Josh, honey.

How about that? Oh, Josh.

And now, ladies, I suppose your pappy has decided--

Our pappy whupped us good.

And then went possum hunting with Hezekiah.

He's still thinking about that lease, ain't he?

Him and Hezekiah.

Possum hunting?

This is no time to go hunting.

Every minute counts.

Now, just a minute.

Selena, remember what Ma told us.

You gotta treat him with love and kindness.

Oh, yeah. On account of his poor, miserable head.

[JOSH CLEARS THROAT]

Lieutenant, I'm sure you'll pardon my curiosity...

but just what is wrong with my poor, miserable head?

Pappy Tatum was so mad,

he was gonna throw us off his mountain last night.

Oh, as bad as that, huh?

Well, I'm sure you'll agree

that the situation called for drastic measures, sir.

But what has this got to do with my head?

Well, I explained to them

that the reason you blew your top...

was, uh, because you got shot in the head in Korea.

You told them I wa--?

You told them I was nuts?

Uh, drastic measures, sir.

Lieutenant.

Uh, ahem. The girls are waiting, captain.

SELENA: Hey. JOSH: Whoops.

Hello? Yeah, this is Dixie.

Oh, hello, Mr. Billingsly.

So, what else is new?

They what?

Are they still there?

Where did they go?

The Tatum property? Big Smoky Mountain?

Thanks, Billingsly. You've done it again.

If I'm not back by morning, tell the boss to send help.

Jodie. Hey, look what we got.

Ooh.

What are you gals doing in your underwear?

They ain't underwear, Jodie. Them's bikinis.

SELENA: Ain't they purty?

They're pretty skimpy.

I just took them into town

so they could buy a few little things.

They's little enough, and pretty darn few.

You just wait till Ma sees you in that stuff.

We bought something nice for you too, Cousin Jodie.

JOSH: This is my cousin Jodie.

A few generations removed.

Jodie, this is PFC Midge Reilly.

Hello there.

Hello. They didn't remove far enough, did they?

You know, you're just about as pretty

as a little old speckled pup, you know that?

Thank you, I think.

AZALEA: Jodie, you come on back here

and see what we brung you.

Lookit, Cousin Jodie, a gun.

SELENA: I thought you'd look handsome in this.

And a shirt... Well, I'll be doggoned.

...with yellow flowers all over it.

Lookit. Isn't it purty?

Yeah. And some striped pants.

Striped pants. Oh, and a scarf too.

[KITTYHAWKS HOOTING]

TRUDY: Oh. Oh!

Oh, we want some purty underwear too.

Well, we brung you some.

But only if you promise to stay away from our menfolk.

And that means Jodie too.

Oh. Oh, we'll stay away from him,

but will he stay away from us?

[KITTYHAWKS LAUGHING]

Yeah.

SELENA: Well, you promise or not?

Where is they?

[KITTYHAWKS SQUEALING]

They is just willy-washy. Thank you.

Well, you just go willy-wash somewheres else.

And don't forget your promise.

Now, you get, all of you.

Hello, girls. I'm Dixie Kay with the Evening Courier.

Uh... Excuse me, ma'am.

You see, we're conducting an experiment.

Oh. Mr. Billings at the Bon Marché department store

told me that the Strategic Air Command

picked up the whole tab for this shopping tour.

Oh. Well, Cousin Josh says that's because

the government's so real big-hearted.

You see, it's an experimental project, ma'am.

They wanna build a missile base on top of Pappy's mountain.

Quite an experiment, lieutenant. Pappy who?

Pappy Tatum. Our pappy.

Come on, gals, we gotta get going. Jodie.

Put up this tailgate.

Tell me, lieutenant...

is this a new government policy

for obtaining land leases?

No comment.

DIXIE: Stand up, girls.

JOSH: Sit down. We gotta go.

DIXIE: Stand up, girls, and take a deep breath.

Look, don't take any pictures, please.

DIXIE: Thank you.

JOSH: Okay, fellas, lend a hand.

Ah, ah, ah! Oh, no, you don't.

Any, uh, female PFC gets special treatment

here at Porcupine Flats.

And I'm, uh, Toby, uh, your official greeter.

What's your name, honeybun?

PFC Midge Reilly. Serial number W2-349-687.

The rest is classified information.

36"- 24"- 36". [SOLDIER WHISTLES]

36"- 22"- 35".

[LAUGHTER]

Sir, this is PFC Reilly.

Ah, yes.

A WAC? Well, lieutenant, didn't they have any male typists?

There were no male typists available, sir.

She volunteered for the job.

Oh. All right, let's get to work, Reilly.

I have some reports to send out.

Sir, uh, about the requisition...

Oh, yes. The requisition. Our little mountain maidens.

I suppose they purchased a few charming little trinkets.

Ha-ha, yes, they certainly did, sir.

Good, good.

SALBO: Well, let's see what we ha--

Three thousand, one hundred and--

Lieutenant, I-- Lieutenant!

Lieutenant!

Jodie.

Selena.

Azalea?

MA: Jodie.

Selena. Where in tarnation are you?

Azalea, why ain't you filled that hog trough?

Oh, I ain't got time, Ma.

I gotta make myself purty for Cousin Josh.

Beelzebub and black beetles, what's going on here?

You forget them city ways,

and get on and get out there and do your work.

Later, Ma. I'm getting gorgeous for a certain male critter.

You wouldn't dare sass your ma

like that if your pappy was here.

He'd whomp the hide off of you.

And what in tarnation is that?

That's some of that fancy powder.

I put it on my face.

Well, looks more like cooking flour to me.

You better not get near the stove,

you'll break out in biscuits.

Oh, Ma, leave me alone. I just wanna be purty.

You'll be purty when I get through with you.

And just look at you.

Why, that face would scare a saint out of a thicket.

Now, come on. Ma!

Come on. Ma, I've gotta look purty.

Come on, and you too.

MA: You'll look purty when I get through with you.

Open that door.

There you go. Now, get.

AZALEA: Ma!

MA: You're gonna get yourself all mixed up.

[AZALEA & SELENA YELPING]

Let go! Ma! Now, come on with me.

[PIG SNORTING]

But we look so purty. Ma, you're drowning me!

You're not gonna go through that

looking like those ugly city girls.

[KITTYHAWKS SQUEALING]

[LAUGHTER AND CHATTERING]

MA: Come on. Here, get away from here.

You leave Josh alone. Now, come on.

MA: Come on. You too.

AZALEA: Get out of there.

You promised to keep your hands off. Now, get.

Now, get, before we rip them bikinis right off of you.

I know we promised.

But we just went all willy-washy when we saw him come driving up.

Well, we'll willy-wash you, you-- Just get.

[GRUNTING]

Get!

Okay, gals, come on.

Get.

Well, if that don't take the rag off in the bush.

Josh, I hate to do this to kinfolk,

but with children full of sass...

neglecting their chores and stirring up trouble,

I got no choice.

Go back and tell that Captain Salbo

to pack up his gas buggies...

and hightail it off our mountain,

and take his presents with him.

SELENA: Oh, no, you can't do that.

AZALEA: You can't do that. MA: I can and am.

If you'd just listen to my side of this thing, maybe--

MA: I seen and heard enough.

Nothing will make me change my decision

unless it's Pappy, when he gets back.

[CHATTERING]

BAILEY: Here's the mail, captain.

Good work. What took you so long, sergeant?

I'm sorry, sir,

but the commander at the base stopped me.

He wanted me to make sure you saw this.

Oh?

Oh. Oh, no.

Reilly!

Yes, sir?

What's the meaning of this outrage?

Well, sir...

I'm a stenographer, not a spy.

And anyway, I was only a passenger.

Bailey, take the jeep and bring back Morgan,

dead or alive. Yes, sir.

On the double.

Lieutenant.

How are you making out with Selena?

That's not important.

You know you're wanted dead or alive?

So, what else is new?

Sir.

JOSH: Sir?

Oh. Good work, sergeant.

It's about time somebody did something right around here.

That's all. Yes, sir.

Sit down, lieutenant. Thank you, sir.

Lieutenant, I hope I'm not interrupting

one of your romantic escapades.

Would you mind telling me what is the meaning of this?

Yeah, well, uh...

Looks like we just got caught, sir, that's all.

Oh?

Mr. Morgan, Big Smoky is a top-secret operation.

If Washington hears of this--

I don't think they will, sir.

This is just a local newspaper.

But if you want something to worry about, listen.

What's that?

Well, Jodie and the girls are fussing around

with the clothes and things they bought...

and they're not doing their chores.

So?

So Ma got mad and says that we gotta break camp

and get off of this mountain.

Oh.

Oh, no.

[PHONE BUZZES]

Big Smoky. Captain Salbo speaking.

Oh, General Donford. Yes, sir. Well, I--

It's in the Washington papers?

Well, sir, I can explain. I--

Yes, sir, but I-- Well, sir, I--

[PHONE CLICKS]

He hung up.

General Donford will be here tomorrow afternoon.

That's good, sir.

Then I can explain the whole situation to him.

Morgan, I've changed my mind.

Greenland will be bad enough

without you as my executive officer.

I'll have you flying the milk run to the Arctic Circle!

Ahem. Dismissed!

Yes, sir. Reilly!

Yes, sir?

Oh.

Reilly, Mrs. Tatum has ordered us off the mountain.

The general will be here tomorrow afternoon.

I want you to take the jeep,

go up and have a little talk with Mrs. Tatum.

Man to man. Uh, woman to woman.

Make her change her mind at all costs.

I'll do my best, sir.

[SIGHS]

How I long for the days

when all I had was a war to worry about.

Hello there, you purty little speckled pup.

RILEY: Ah! Oh, you let me go, you possum player.

JODIE: What's the matter? What's the matter?

You let me by.

I'm on an important mission for Captain Salbo.

I knew the first time I laid eyes on you,

that you was meant for me.

You're not for me, and I'm coming through.

Ain't no need trying to fight me.

I'm the champion wrestler of this whole mountain, ma'am.

How about it? Well...

Well, maybe you're right, you poor moonstruck ape.

[YELLS]

Oh!

[ELVIS PRESLEY'S "TENDER FEELING" PLAYING]

♪ I can't conceal ♪

♪ The tender feelin' ♪

♪ Now that you ♪

♪ Are close to me ♪

♪ I look at you ♪

♪ With tender feelin' ♪

♪ And can't help kiss you Tenderly ♪

♪ I offer you A true devotion ♪

♪ All life through ♪

♪ My love I vow ♪

♪ For this is real ♪

♪ This sweet emotion ♪

♪ This tender feeling I have now ♪

♪ Somehow I knew ♪

♪ From the moment Our lips first met ♪

♪ You'd be the girl ♪

♪ I could never forget ♪

♪ No other love ♪

♪ Could be appealin' ♪

♪ I loved you ♪

♪ Right from the start ♪

♪ And with each kiss ♪

♪ I'll keep revealin' ♪

♪ The tender feelin' ♪

♪ In my heart ♪

You spoiled the whole dad-blamed thing.

Wait a minute.

Hey, where'd you go? What--?

[JODIE GRUNTS]

Hey. You're gonna get tired some time.

You might as well just say you're gonna marry up with me.

Ma?

I hears you. What?

Well, if we do our chores...

all of them, uh, regular, would you--?

Nope.

But, Ma, if Josh leaves now, I may never see him again.

I made my decision. Hand me that bucket of mash.

It makes no never mind how we feel, child.

We gotta think of our kinfolk

and what this mountain means to us.

I, uh...

I just came by to say goodbye.

Josh, honey, I tried.

Yeah, I know. I heard. That's the way it goes.

I knowed you was right smitten with Cousin Josh...

and I think he is with you too.

But if it's as powerful as you say...

then you'll find a way.

[MA CHUCKLES]

Pappy and I did.

[HAZEKIAH WHINES]

Hezekiah, where you been?

You look like you was drug through a mole hole backwards.

Where's Pappy?

[HAZEKIAH HOWLING]

Oh, you got lost from him, huh?

Well, come on, come on. Take me to him.

Come on, come on. Take me to Pappy.

[HAZEKIAH WHIMPERS]

Oh, that can mean only one thing.

He ain't only lost, he's in a passel of trouble.

Oh, what'll I do?

Ma, we heard the howling. Hezekiah.

What's the matter, Ma?

It's Pappy.

[SOBBING] He got himself in some kind of terrible trouble.

How do you know that?

Hezekiah come back alone.

Come on, Hezekiah. Come on. Take us to Pappy.

He howls like that every time you say...

P-A-P-P-Y.

[MA CRYING]

He ain't trying to lead us,

that means something bad's happened all right.

Don't cry, Ma.

I'll get you some men, and we'll search this mountain

until we find Pa--

P-A-P-P-Y.

Oh, you is real fine kinfolk, Josh.

And I is powerful ashamed

for treating you so downright shameful.

That's all right, Ma. That's all right.

JODIE: You'll never get away from me.

So you might as well stop running.

Come on, why don't you give up?

I can't go any further.

Come here, you little speckled pup. Huh?

Jodie, I didn't mean to hurt you.

Jodie, let go of that little critter.

Oh, Mrs. Tatum, I've been looking for you.

Yeah? You got a mite sidetracked there,

didn't you, little one?

Men.

Men.

[KITTYHAWKS GIGGLING]

[GASPING]

Magpie calling Blue Quail.

SALBO [ON RADIO]: Magpie to Blue Quail.

Magpie to Blue Quail.

Come in, Blue Quail.

Blue Quail receiving, over.

[JOSH LAUGHS]

You mean you lost your whole squad, captain?

That's what I said.

Good grief, mine's missing too.

It's them durn Kittyhawks.

And they never give their men critters back

unless they's worthless.

Stay where you are, captain. I'll be right there.

We got here just as soon as we could.

Well, where's Morgan?

AZALEA: Josh!

They got him too.

Oh, fine.

We can't find Pappy, my men have been kidnapped...

the general's due here any minute,

and it's a cinch I'll never see my wife again.

Well, they just gotta be around here somewheres close.

Come on, captain, we'll find them.

SALBO: Come in, Morgan. Come in, Morgan.

Come in, Morgan.

Okay, gals. Take it easy just a minute.

Oh, look. Look, you gotta let me and my men go.

Who wants to be liberated, lieutenant?

Not you, that's for sure.

Look, you wanna keep soldiers on this mountain?

All them and you too, you big handsome critter.

Relax and enjoy it, lieutenant.

How can I relax when the general's on his way?

SOLDIER 1: He's what? SOLDIER 2: Oh, no. It can't be.

If we don't find Pappy,

we'll get kicked off this mountain.

We can't let that happen. SOLDIER 3: No.

It ain't likely you'll find Pappy

before that general gets here...

so maybe we just better make sure he don't.

Well, that should give us ti-- Don't what?

TRUDY: Get here.

You can't do that to a general in the Army.

Why, we ain't gonna hurt him.

[KITTYHAWKS CHUCKLE]

It doesn't matter if they stall him for just a while.

Okay, but no rough stuff.

You just tell us when to quit.

[TRUDY WHOOPING]

What the--? What--? Hey, hey, hey, what--?

There you are, you deserters, you.

I'll have you all court-martialed for this.

It wasn't their fault, captain. It's them dang Kittyhawks.

Oh, those-- All right.

All right, fall in! Single file!

Come on, girls.

Magpie to Blue Quail, come in.

Magpie to Blue Quail, come in.

Blue Quail to Magpie, over.

SALBO: Where the blazes are you?

And what's happened?

Everything's under control.

The Kittyhawks will delay the general till we find Pappy.

Ah, good. Get over fast...

so we can consolidate the search,

and let's not waste any time--

What took you so long?

I got here as soon as I could.

Oh, good.

[TRUDY SIGHS]

Something you critters want?

Why, yes, miss.

We're trying to get to Porcupine Flats.

Oh, well, flash flood washed out the road above.

Y'all will have to loop around by Kittyhawk Valley.

And how far is that?

Oh, about two whoops and a holler.

[DONFORD SIGHS]

Looks as if we fly it seat-of-pants.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, miss.

[TRUDY GIGGLING]

[HEZAKIAH HOWLING]

♪ Pappy ♪

[HAZEKIAH WHIMPERS]

♪ Pappy ♪

[HAZEKIAH HOWLING]

♪ P-A-P-P-Y ♪

♪ Won't you please come home? ♪

♪ The chickens won't lay ♪

♪ All night the hounds bay ♪

♪ There's blues in the bees' Honeycomb ♪

♪ Everything's different ♪

♪ Since you went away ♪

♪ Pappy, won't you please Come home? ♪

♪ Your jug and spittoon ♪

♪ Just sit in your room ♪

♪ The still is as dry As a bone ♪

♪ Everything's different ♪

♪ Since you went away ♪

♪ Pappy, won't you please Come home? ♪

♪ Oh, how we miss The corncob pipe ♪

♪ A-puffin' away In your face ♪

♪ Now that the shack Is clear of smoke ♪

♪ We can't stand the sight Of the place ♪

♪ Please come back to us ♪

♪ You ornery old cuss ♪

♪ We loves you Wherever you roam ♪

♪ Oh everything's different ♪

♪ Since you went away ♪

♪ Pappy won't you please ♪

♪ Come home? ♪

[MA CRYING]

Any luck, Jodie?

Not a bit. How's Ma?

She's grieving pretty bad, but she made you some coffee.

Coffee? I don't want coffee.

I could stand some of that Mountain Maiden's Breath.

She sent some of that too. Oh, good.

Here you are, sir. Thank you. Well...

PAPPY [ECHOING]: Josh.

Josh.

That sounds like Pappy. PAPPY: Josh.

It sounds like it's coming from Howling Devil's Gorge.

Yeah, come on, let's go.

Here.

Here. SALBO: Let's go, men.

Watch it. AZALEA: Unh.

PAPPY: Josh. Josh.

Pappy, what you doing up there?

I'm telling myself stories. Nothing else to do up here.

How'd you get up there, Pappy?

A goldarn brown bear treed me, Josh.

And I scrambled up the tree,

and I got caught on this branch.

Oh, Josh, that branch ain't gonna hold much longer.

Don't worry, the Army will get him down.

Try not to move. I'm gonna come and get you.

Give me the rope. Josh, you be careful.

SALBO: Bailey, throw a rope over that limb.

Yes, sir. Don't shake the tree, Josh.

Josh? Is that you, Josh?

Yeah, that's me. Oh, that's you.

JOSH: Just take it easy, Pappy.

All right, Josh, all right.

I trust you.

Put this rope around your waist.

Hand it back.

First time I ever trusted the Army.

PAPPY: Josh, don't tickle me now.

I'll have you down in just a few seconds.

All right. The tree's shaking.

PAPPY: Oh. Josh, Josh.

Josh. Oops, Josh. Oops, oops!

[TREE CREAKING]

Don't move, Pappy.

I'm not gonna look down again. Here's another rope.

Here, I got it. Hand it back to me.

I hand it back to you, Josh.

All right, anchor the rope.

Yes, sir. Um, tie it around him.

PAPPY: Oh, Josh, don't tickle me.

I'm scared, but I'm ticklish.

Just keep talking to me, son. All right.

Josh, be careful.

Don't worry, the lieutenant knows what he's doing.

Oh, Josh.

Uh, lieutenant, what are you doing?

Just hang on, Pappy. I'm tying it up, boys.

BAILEY: Culdain, back up.

PAPPY: Where is you, Josh? JOSH: I'm right here.

PAPPY: Okay.

Hang on, Pappy. Am I set just yet?

All right, don't go too far, Josh.

If I live, Josh...

PAPPY: Josh. SOLDIER: That's it.

Pull up on the top rope. Yeah.

PAPPY: Josh. Josh.

Hold it. That's it. Raise the top rope.

You there, Josh? Josh?

JOSH: I'm here. Take it easy, Pappy.

Okay.

Okay. All right, now, start pulling.

Let's pull him in. All right.

Ease up a little. Josh.

Josh, Josh. Josh, you got me?

We got you. Oh, Josh.

Yeah, we got you, Pappy. You got me?

Yep.

Consarn your hide, Pappy. You like to scare us to death.

Yeah.

We thought you was a goner for sure.

Hey, Pappy, this calls for a celebration, don't it?

You're darn right, it do.

Uh, but, Mr. Tatum, uh,

General Donford is on his way here now...

and we haven't settled about the lease.

I have no time to talk about that there kind of foolishness.

We're gonna have the goldangdest party you ever saw.

We're gonna have the biggest one

since Ma discovered the recipe...

for the Mountain Maiden's Breath.

[CHEERING]

General. DONFORD: Hmm?

It seems like we've been here before.

Yes, there is something vaguely familiar about the topography.

The what?

Oh, never mind, never mind.

What happened, fellas?

Miss, we're still looking for Porcupine Flats.

Oh, well, since you're such persistent critters...

I'll show you a real shortcut.

Right down there.

Ah, all right, lieutenant.

Here we go again. Yes, sir.

[LAUGHTER AND CHATTERING]

[BAND PLAYING COUNTRY MUSIC]

Have I heard right, Pappy?

You getting rid of all your children

in one fell swoop?

You heard right, Hairy Willie.

We ain't getting rid of them.

We is gaining three more, two fellas and a gal.

Oh, that's right, Ma. Three and three is--

Oh, that's just the beginning.

Well, we got a heap of toasting to do

before the night's over.

Well, drink up, Willie. Drink up.

Stop feeding your face, Jodie,

and go out there and liven things up a bit.

JODIE: Yes, ma'am.

MA: That's it. Go on, boy.

[ELVIS PRESLEY'S "BAREFOOT BALLAD" PLAYING]

JODIE [SINGING]: ♪ I want a barefoot ballad ♪

♪ Yes, a barefoot ballad ♪

♪ Won't you play for me A down-home country song? ♪

♪ 'Cause when I Kick my shoes off ♪

♪ Then I kick my blues off ♪

♪ With a barefoot ballad You just can't go wrong ♪

♪ Give me A honky-tonky fiddle ♪

♪ With a guitar In the middle of the melody ♪

♪ Bubblin' like a fountain ♪

♪ Swinging out On Smoky Mountain ♪

♪ Barefoot ballad Yes, a barefoot ballad ♪

♪ Won't you play for me A down-home country song? ♪

♪ 'Cause when I Kick my shoes off ♪

♪ Then I kick my blues off ♪

♪ With a barefoot ballad You just can't go wrong ♪

♪ Now, the big toe's connected To the two toe ♪

♪ And the two toe's connected To the three toe ♪

♪ And the three toe's connected To the four toe ♪

♪ And the four toe's connected To the five toe ♪

JODIE: ♪ And the five toe ♪ ♪ That's a live toe ♪

JODIE: ♪ And away we go ♪

♪ I want a barefoot ballad Yes, a barefoot ballad ♪

♪ Won't you play for me A down-home country song? ♪

♪ 'Cause when I Kick my shoes off ♪

♪ Then I kick my blues off ♪

♪ With a barefoot ballad You just can't go wrong ♪

♪ Now, the big toe's connected To the two toe ♪

♪ And the two toe's connected To the three toe ♪

♪ And the three toe's connected To the four toe ♪

♪ And the four toe's connected To the five toe ♪

JODIE: ♪ And the five toe ♪ ♪ That's a live toe ♪

♪ What's a live toe? ♪ ♪ That's a jive toe ♪

♪ What's a jive toe? ♪ ♪ That's a drive toe ♪

JODIE: ♪ Away we go ♪

♪ I want a barefoot ballad Yes, a barefoot ballad ♪

♪ Won't you play for me--? ♪

♪ Play for who? ♪ ♪ Play for him ♪

♪ Play for her ♪

JODIE: ♪ A barefoot ballad song ♪

[CHEERING AND THEN HORN HONKING]

Well, captain, we got a passel of reasons

to do some celebrating, ha-ha.

Well, Mr. Tatum, there's only one thing

that'll give me cause for celebrating.

And that is if you'll consent to--

Whoa, whoa! Hold up there.

Don't talk about that there kind of thing now.

We'll do some raising some ruckus.

We'll have rooting, tooting and boozing.

Yes. Pappy will make up his mind when he's good and ready.

Tonight.

You come on with me

and have some of my Mountain Maiden's Breath.

That'll perk up your spirits.

Well, I'd be delighted. I'd--

Welcome to the Tatum family, Josh.

Thank you, Pappy. But what else could I do?

PAPPY: What?

I mean, uh, uh, well,

she's about the prettiest thing I ever seen...

so, uh, why keep looking, huh?

Let me give you some advice, Josh.

You only got one life to live...

and life can be rough...

but if you live it every day all the way...

once is enough.

♪ You can own Just one suit ♪

♪ Worn and torn At the cuff ♪

♪ But if you're living The life that you love ♪

♪ Once is enough ♪

♪ What's the good Of reaching 90 ♪

♪ If you waste 89? ♪

♪ You got one life, So live it ♪

♪ If you don't, It's a crime ♪

♪ Life's a playful puppy ♪

♪ You can grab by the scruff ♪

♪ And if you live every sec What the heck? ♪

♪ Once is enough ♪

♪ Never wait until tomorrow ♪

♪ What if it never comes? ♪

♪ Life is a seven-layer ♪

♪ Don't you settle for crumbs ♪

♪ Life's a playful puppy ♪

♪ You can grab by the scruff ♪

♪ And if you live every sec What the heck? ♪

♪ Once is enough ♪

♪ And if you live every sec What the heck? ♪

♪ Once is enough ♪

♪ And if you live every sec What the heck? ♪

♪ Once is enough ♪

[CHEERING]

Hey, Cousin Josh.

You know, you sing pretty good for a city fella.

Thank you, Jodie.

Well, I'm beginning to believe these Tatums don't exist.

CROWD: Glug, glug, glug.

Listen, sir.

CROWD: Glug, glug, glug.

Follow that sound.

CROWD: Glug, glug, glug.

Glug, glug, glug.

[CHEERING]

And you want me to give up this life

for a miserable missile base?

[LAUGHTER]

Here, captain, you're next.

Well...

I might as well go this way,

as to freeze to death in Greenland.

CROWD: Glug, glug, glug...

We haven't got much time, honey.

The general's gonna be here any minute.

If Pappy's too limp to talk to him,

I don't know what's gonna happen.

Well, we'll just go ask Ma. She'll know what to do.

CROWD: Glug, glug.

Glug, glug, glug.

Glug, glug, glug.

Glug, glug, glug.

[CHEERING]

All right, men, pick him up and carry him over there.

And nobody light a match near him.

Let's have a little music.

Let's have a little party.

[BAND PLAYING COUNTRY MUSIC]

Oh, my, my, ain't it a nice party?

Ma, ain't Pappy ready yet?

Pappy's always ready.

What for? Oh, for the talking?

Oh, now, look out there. He's having such a nice time.

It was supposed to be a wedding party, Ma.

It could be a going-away party for all of us.

You're right, you're right. Now's the time.

Pappy. Pappy.

Jodie.

MA: Jodie.

Yeah, Ma?

Bring Pappy here.

All right.

PAPPY: Jodie, put me down. Put me down, Jodie.

Put me down. I was just beginning to warm up.

You put me down.

I was just beginning to get warmed up.

Here he is, Ma.

Pappy, it's time for the talk.

I ain't ready yet. Just a minute, Pappy.

Oh, yes, you are.

PAPPY: No, I ain't.

Where's Captain Salbo?

Captain Salbo?

Ha-ha. Hey, Captain Salbo, he's laid out over there.

He's as cold as a well-digger's shovel.

Azalea, you and Jodie better find him and sober him up...

before the general gets here.

He's in enough trouble as it is.

Here's the checkers and board.

All right, Josh,

but you better make it be good now.

I think we better go find Captain Salbo.

[MURMURING] Ah, good night, dear. I love you too.

JODIE: He's over here by the hog pen.

JODIE: Oh, boy. BAILEY: Captain.

BAILEY: Captain, wake up.

Wake up, captain.

Wake up.

SALBO: Yes, general.

Captain, come on.

[LAUGHTER AND HOLLERING]

Troop, fall in!

Attention!

Captain Salbo. Oh, look at him.

I was wondering when you was gonna get here.

We've been wandering for six hours.

Captain Salbo.

Uh, general, sir, I'd like to present,

uh, Miss Selena Tatum...

and Miss Azalea Tatum, and this is Jodie Tatum, sir.

How do you do?

It looks like you took the wrong turn.

Captain Salbo, where is Mr. Tatum?

Howdy, howdy, general. I'm Ma Tatum.

Hey, you've done missed half the fun.

Yes, but we're not here for fun.

Captain Salbo-- MA: Gals, gals.

Why don't you take the general

for some liquor and vittles?

You must be hungry as a bear with his throat cut.

Salbo--!

No, don't bother the captain now.

He's headed for a big conflab with Pappy.

As you were, men.

[CHEERING AND BAND PLAYING COUNTRY MUSIC]

You see, Pappy...

if the Army builds its own road

on the other side of the mountain...

the traffic to the missile base won't bother you at all.

Crown my king.

Crown my king.

But the missiles and the gas buggies...

they'll whomp the daylights out of the hunting.

Captain, wake up. Captain.

Jodie, you better give him another jolt.

JODIE: All right.

Ma always said you're supposed to fight fire with fire...

but looks like he's pretty well burned out already.

Captain, wake up. Please, sir. Captain, sir.

Yes, sir, general. I'm ready to take my medicine.

Greenland can't be any rougher than Big Smoky.

You better come on, captain. The general's here right now.

Come on, captain. Get up.

Attaboy. Yes, sir. There you go.

I'm all right, men. I'm all right.

BAILEY: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Have some more Maiden's Breath, general?

DONFORD: Mm-mm, thank you.

And some more pickled possum tails.

Captain just loves them.

Uh...

DONFORD: Why, thank you.

[CHUCKLES]

When do you think this conference will end, Mrs. Tatum?

Oh, well, that's hard to tell, general.

I've known Pappy to stay up there over a week

when he's undecided.

A week.

[CHATTERING]

[PAPPY GRUNTING]

I'm sorry, son.

Pappy, just think-- No, no, no.

I'm sorry.

I can't see letting my mountain get discombobulated...

with a lot of government critters

and a lot of, uh, machinery...

and a lot of noise.

And a lot of...

Just think of the improvements, Pappy.

[JOSH GROANS]

Oh, Mr. Tatum. Mr. Tatum, what about the lease?

I can't do anything about it.

SALBO: Well, why not?

If it weren't for them,

well, we wouldn't have found the gals we was gonna marry.

You's gonna marry? I can't do nothing about that.

JODIE: Pappy.

Come on, captain.

[SALBO GROANING]

Lieutenant, what happened?

What happened? I was counting on you.

I'm sorry. I just ran out of persuading.

But the general is here. Do you know what this means?

SALBO: Greenland. I know, captain.

I used every argument that--

I didn't use every argument. Just a minute, captain.

Here.

Wha--? Here.

[CHEERING]

Pappy.

Josh, don't you know enough

not to try to turn me around once I made up my mind?

Oh, general, it don't look so good.

It don't? Uh, it doesn't?

Hey, Pappy, listen...

[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

Whoopee!

Why didn't you tell me that in the first place?

Oh, Josh.

Mr. Tatum.

Guess what, captain. What?

We made it. We made it?

Didn't we?

Ma, we--

SALBO: Attention!

DONFORD: As you were.

Sir.

May I present Lieutenant Morgan.

Sir. Yes.

I recognize him from his picture in the gazette.

General, this is Pappy Tatum.

DONFORD: Mr. Tatum. JOSH: Tell him, Pappy.

General, uh, I'll sign that there lease...

if, uh, uh...

Josh, you tell them what you done promised me.

It's just, uh, three small provisions, sir.

Number one, he receive $1,000 a month for the land.

Good price. Whose side you on, lieutenant?

He's with the United States Army.

And, uh, number two,

that the Army engineers build a private road...

on the other side of the mountain.

A new and direct route to Porcupine Flats?

I'll be glad to agree to that, lieutenant.

JOSH: And then I promised him a military patrol...

to see that no government personnel trespass...

on this side of Big Smoky Mountain.

I'll agree to that. It's a deal, Mr. Tatum.

The military police patrol

can also protect the government personnel...

from the mountain maidens.

Well done, captain.

[CHEERING]

Thank you, sir.

Oh, uh, uh, lieutenant.

Yes, sir.

Uh, just what did you tell Mr. Tatum

that made him change his mind?

Just that all government personnel

would be kept off this side of the mountain.

Well, why did you tell him a thing like that?

Sir, revenuers are government personnel, aren't they?

Yes, I-- Oh, yeah.

[BAND PLAYING ROCK & ROLL MUSIC]

♪ Well, I've got a gal She's as cute as she can be ♪

♪ She's a distant cousin ♪

♪ But she's not Too distant with me ♪

♪ We kiss ♪ ALL: ♪ We kiss ♪

♪ All night ♪ ALL: ♪ All night ♪

♪ I squeeze ♪ ALL: ♪ I'll squeeze ♪

♪ Her tight ♪ ALL: ♪ Her tight ♪

♪ But we're kissin' cousins ♪

♪ That's what makes it All right ♪

JODIE: ♪ All right, All right, all right ♪

♪ Oh, I've got a gal And she taught me how to live ♪

♪ She can give a lot And she's got a lot to give ♪

♪ We kiss ♪ ALL: ♪ We kiss ♪

♪ All night ♪ ALL: ♪ All night ♪

♪ I squeeze ♪ ALL: ♪ I'll squeeze ♪

♪ Her tight ♪ ALL: ♪ Her tight ♪

♪ But we're kissin' cousins ♪

♪ That's what makes it All right ♪

♪ All right, all right, All right ♪

♪ Yeah, we're all cousins ♪

♪ That's what I believe ♪

♪ Because we're children Of Adam and Eve ♪

♪ I got a gal And she wants a lot of love ♪

♪ That's the kind of trouble I need plenty of ♪

♪ We'll kiss ♪ ALL: ♪ We kiss ♪

♪ All night ♪ ALL: ♪ All night ♪

♪ I'll squeeze ♪ ALL: ♪ I'll squeeze ♪

♪ Her tight ♪ ALL: ♪ Her tight ♪

JODIE & JOSH: ♪ We'll be kissin' cousins ♪

♪ And that'll make it All right ♪

♪ All right, all right, All right ♪

♪ We'll be kissin' cousins ♪

♪ That'll make it all right ♪

♪ All right, All right, all right ♪

JODIE: ♪ Yeah, we're all cousins ♪

♪ That's what I believe ♪

♪ 'Cause we're all children Of Adam and Eve ♪

JODIE & JOSH: ♪ Now, I got a gal ♪

♪ And she wants a lot of love ♪

♪ That's the kind of trouble I need plenty of ♪

♪ We'll kiss ♪ ALL: ♪ We kiss ♪

♪ All night ♪ ALL: ♪ All night ♪

♪ I'll squeeze ♪ ALL: ♪ I'll squeeze ♪

♪ Her tight ♪ ALL: ♪ Her tight ♪

♪ We'll be kissin' cousins ♪

♪ That'll make it all right ♪

♪ All right, All right, all right ♪

♪ We'll be kissin' cousins ♪

♪ That'll make it all right ♪

♪ All right, All right, all right ♪

[♪]

♪ Cousins Kissin' cousins ♪

♪ Kissin's allowed 'Cos we're proud ♪

♪ To be cousins ♪

♪ What's a little teasin' Huggin' and a-squeezin' ♪

♪ Between us cousins ♪