Original subtitles

I don't have to see the fear in their eyes.

I can feel them cringing.

I can feel them shrinking from my face,

my one and only, old, unfortunate face.

What they never see is the beauty behind my eyes.

They only see the...

I've had the nerve to fall in love a thousand times,

and every day, somehow it always makes me feel subversive.

Were I not so far beyond mere ugliness,

I might wish to be handsome,

handsome guys can get away with murder.

Mine is the face that spoils a sunny day.

Luckily I don't need a tan.

She's late.

If only they knew me.

If only they knew the love that I contain,

it could be theirs, for but a single word of kindness.

A love that would astound them all,

that would overwhelm them from the dandruff of

their darling scalps to the blisters of their burning feet.

If only they knew me, they would love me.

But they don't know me, they don't.

So screw 'em!

Good morning Dr. heckyl!

Good morning miss pertbottom.

Good morning Dr. heckyl.

Oh, good morning miss nietkiester.

You have nothing to fear!

Acutickling is totally safe!

Now acupuncture and acupressure are fine

as far as they go, but how far can one go

with needles and thumbs?

Acutickling, uses the body's own vibrations,

to reach the vary marrow of the body's bones!

= that sounds like fun! - Not it doesn't.

Morning, Henry,

you look peaked! - Yeah, I think it's the

beginning of a splitting headache,

you know? - Oh?

Now here, we'll fix that! - Hmm, eh...

Yeah, yeah it's better already...

You see, you see?

= yeah...

= that looked like fun! - No it didn't.

Please wait in my office.

I'm Mrs. Fritz l. Pitzle, I have an appointment?

Oh yes Mrs. pitzle, if you'll just have a

seat on the couch, Dr. hinkle will

be with you in a moment..

Thank you.

Good morning Dr. heckyl.

Good morning miss finebum.

Um, I don't suppose you've got any mail for me

this morning have you please? Oh, I don't know about that.

Here's your clearasil bill,

and this month's magic mirror.

You really should get more rest, doctor.

Yes I should, a long one.

Miss finebum!

Have I not asked you again and again

not to wear those provocative skirts in the office?

I mean do we really need a preview of

the straights of Gibraltar?

Are you making a subtle pass at me, doctor?

Looking down your decolletage,

I can see all of your vital statistics!

I'll thank you to keep your eyes to yourself!

When'd you get those, feet?

Uh you can wait in my office, Mr. cooger,

I won't be a minute.

Aw, I sure thank you.

So what, Mrs. Van crystal, the pucker will pass

and the pounds will peel off like a puff of smoke!

Ah good morning Dr. heckyl!

Oh you look terrible.

Oh wait 'til you hear the news!

Oh, I don't listen to the news.

Then if you insist I'll tell you!

Come into my office.

This is it already?

Are you kidding?

Today is t-day.

T-day? - T-day, test day.

Today is the day that I am finally at last testing,

Dr. Vince hinkle's

instant diet paste.

You've tested it and it's, it's safe?

Are you kidding?

One whole drop you could give a baby.

Two whole drops unfortunately would kill a horse.

You tested it on a horse?

What do I need horses, I feel it in my bones!

You tested it on yourself?

Listen, echo, one tiny drop on the tongue,

and 300 million wild proteins attach themselves

to every cell, and immediately devour

all offending particles, which means, fat.

But if you haven't tested it,

how do you know it's safe?

Would I lie to myself?

Well I guess your patients are no concern of mine.

Oh?

You're going someplace else?

Vince, I've decided to kill myself.

Heckyl, suicide, don't waste your time.

Death is a big nothing.

All right now Mrs. Razorback it's your turn!

Uh-hmm.

Now let's see...

Oh, ah!

Ah!

Hmm.

= Dr. hinckle.

= Mrs. pitzle.

I had an appointment.

= I know.

I'm ready. - Right.

Some day we'll be able to inject it,

once we get the impurities out.

, hmm?

Now don't worry Mrs. pitzle, the pucker will pass.

Trust me, hmm?

Now then, did you take my advice?

Oh yes sir I did.

All week long I walked in counter-clockwise

semicircles instead of my usual clockwise semicircles,

and by Thursday my tilt was totally corrected.

You are a, a very very good patient.

These feet are looking a lot better now.

Well then, let me sign you up for our new Seville,

with a $15,000 rebate on your signature!

Car?

I haven't needed a car since I gave up drag racing!

Everybody needs a car.

What for, to pick up women?

Pickup women!

I pick up women, and they look at this face, huh?

Our insurance plan covers everything.

= yeah?

Well I'm afraid the transplant will have to wait

until we find a donor with two right feet.

Yes.

Huh? - Yes, it's wonderful!

Congratulations, yes congratulations!

= thanks doc!

Uh, could I have the next patient, please?

A miracle,

it's a god damned miracle!

Oh how can I ever thank you, doctor?

Uh, we'll think of something, but in the meantime

pay to miss finebum the bill.

Who is this person?

Well, don't you recognize Mrs. Fritz l. Pitzle?

I had an appointment.

These are pretty flat feet, Mr. tuck.

That's druck, lieutenant mack druck.

I see.

Yes I think we can fix these.

First of all I'm gonna give you a shot,

of xylophome, it will help suppress the pain

I'm gonna have to put you through.

I don't feel pain, I'm a cop.

Good, good.

'Cause right now I'm gonna rack your feet.

Here's a bullet to bite.

To ll topo this is a gum drop!

Told you I didn't feel pain, watch.

Oh yes,

that's very interesting.

Look at this one.

You know, you sure don't look like a doctor.

You look more like a monster from outer space.

You know something lieutenant?

I really am impressed

with the depths of your insensitivity.

Thank you.

It goes with the job.

To tell you the truth, you're not missing much.

If you're interested

in the truth.

I'm only interested in guilt.

Oh excuse me I seem to have got carried away.

Will you excuse me please?

I don't feel a thing.

Uh, that would be Dr. heckyl,

if you'll just have a seat, he'll be right with you.

God!

Now really, I want to...

Ah, there you are, Mrs. Fran Van crisco, you look like

you lost a whole person, heh, ?

Isn't it ugly?

The other one, please.

I think all feet are ugly.

I think feet are the ugliest form of human existence.

You know I think feet are even uglier than warts.

Don't you?

Oh yes normally

I would agree with you, but there are exceptions

that make the whole thing, worthwhile.

Now we'll just turn you around.

I'm s 0 so ry!

It's all right I'm used to it.

It's just I wasn't expecting you,

you're, uh, I mean you remind me of someone

I've seen somewhere.

I guess everybody's a type, huh?

I don't see anything wrong with these feet.

These feet are perfection.

I think I'm getting a bunion.

= which one?

Oh god at last a foot I could love.

A foot I could eat...

Both.

I know, you look just like that old, uh,

I mean, you look like a man I see

every morning at the bus stop.

= oh uh, shall we see if it's anything to worry about?

Now then, this one's, not gonna hurt so,

don't worry about anything just, relax, okay?

Why does she come here to torment me?

I just like to watch her get on the bus every morning.

I didn't want to know her name, or her address, or anything.

Did you give your address to miss finebum?

Well, it's all over now, you can open up your eyes.

Oh gods...

Those eyes.

My mother always said,

wash your feet twice a day,

and see your podiatrist twice a year.

Your mother was a,

a wonderful woman.

Now, you take these feet home, these little tootsies,

and you look after them, they deserve it,

and then you ask miss finebum for an appointment

with me tomorrow afternoon, all right?

So soon? - Oh,

you can never be, too soon.

= oh.

I've decided to trust you.

My feet are in your hands.

- My heart is in your feet. - Are you the man

at the bus stop?

Uh, the bus stop?

Oh well um, you mean the buh,

the bus stop outside here?

Um, well yes I think I have seen you there

sometimes when I'm, when I'm on my way to work.

So we're old friends.

But, is this where you get on or where you get off?

Oh this is where I get off.

Miss finebum?

I don't want any more appointments this evening.

Waiting Dr. heckyl.

Yeah well that figures.

Oh and miss finebum?

Don't bother locking up tonight, I shall be working late.

Goodnight Dr. heckyl.

Goodnight miss finebum.

Goodbye, miss finebum.

Goodbye, oh ugly, piece of shit.

Heckyl you wouldn't believe my diet paste is a big hit!

What are you, cutting your throat?

I'm just shaving, c-congratulations.

Congratulations are nothing,

this will be bigger than mahjong!

Your shaving, with scissors?

I do keep them sharp.

Would you believe I gave Mrs. Fran Van crisco

one drop of my paste and she shed

64 pounds in eight minutes?

Matter cannot be destroyed Mr. hinkle,

it's gonna go somewhere.

Well probably there was a little diarrhea.

Just, one drop you say?

Yes any more than that you would reduce yourself

past the point of death.

In fact, I believe that if you took enough,

the vital proteins would eat up every cell

and you would completely disappear, pf!

Without a trace? - Well maybe a trace,

maybe a kidney, who knows?

As a matter of fact I'm,

very much afraid that one of my ladies will

go a little crazy, she'll break into my office,

and, and help herself and...

Would you like me to look after the paste,

in case your ladies break in here and, and then,

try and take it, would you?

That's what I wanted to ask you!

I knew there was, oh, thank you heckyl, thank you.

Heckyl, this is my big break!

Goodbye hinkle.

Uh, goodnight, Dr. heckyl.

What are you waiting for heckyl?

This is your big break, this is your chance to disappear.

This is your chance to erase the ugliness, forever.

Nothing to offend the undertaker.

Except maybe a little diarrhea.

Go on heckyl, why are you stalling?

, disappear, disappear!

I didn't disappear.

I didn't die.

My luck's still holding.

I didn't die.

My luck's still holding.

The temperature in downtown

San texico is being withheld by order of the police.

Otherwise it looks like a drizzle,

clearing in time for the outbreak of

breakfast, down at Francis x. President park.

Turning to the lighter side of the news,

here is suicide show!

Good evening all of you

outsiders out there,

we have oodles of news for you tonight!

Among many mass suicides, eight ugly loners

jumped from the Francis x. Patriot bridge today!

Unfortunately, all survived!

Better luck though than nine unattractive spinsters

in Winston, Salem, who linked right elbows, and...

Goodnight Wendy.

Goodnight Abigail.

Goodnight Rosemary.

Goodnight spot, my only friend.

Oh!

My god, I'm beautiful!

Who the hell is this at

four o'clock in the morning?

No I'll surprise him!

I, I haven't got a...

I have got a new, voice.

Hey shut up, it's three o'clock in the morning!

La, lala, oh la, la la,

la la, la la, ooh...

= shh!

I'm sorry about that

Mrs. quivel, I was just getting rid

of some useless shoes.

- Who are you? - Oh I forgot, we haven't been

introduced, have we?

I'm Dr. heckyl's young cousin from merry old england.

Cousin?

Yes, we don't look very alike, do we?

Some people say we

haven't got the same relatives.

Would you like for me to,

fill a cup of coffee, Mr...

Uh... - Are you sure it's just

a cup of coffee you want to fix me Mrs. quivel?

Oh sex baby! - Oh!

Oh wow!

Oh, my!

, oh are you...

Oh!

Oh help me evil!

So long! - Help!

I would have picked a more - oh!

Attractive younger woman,

= oh, oh! - But I can't wait any longer,

now is the time baby!

Oh no, oh mamma this had better be a dream,

or!

What did you say? - Oh don't worry about

what I said!

Baby, concentrate on love!

Love is a word, love is a wild dove!

Well then tell me you love me,

just tell me you love me!

Love me! - Oh I love you!

Love me! - Tell me you love me!

I love you! - Mmmm...

That's better.

For a moment I thought you were going

to go on pretending that you, you didn't love me.

Speaking of love,

my husband gets home around five A.M..

= your husband...

Who but old bull?

When he sees my beautiful face,

he's going to drop dead with envy.

When he sees that face of yours

he's gonna step on it like an itty bitty frog.

Squish!

A frog?

Are you equating my face to a frog, Mrs. quivel?

No. - Frogs are ugly, Mrs. quivel.

Are you suggesting that I am ugly?

= no...

With a nose only good enough,

to rub in the corns and bunions of my tormentors?

No...

Let go of my foot!

Are you suggesting, that my face,

is less handsome, than your foot, Mrs. Quivel?

Because if you are, you might just as well

go up in smoke, dear lady!

She's dead.

And I'm still a virgin!

Farewell Mrs. quival, you silly old tramp.

Your fatal misfortune was missing my love.

You ought to take a look in here,

see what I can find today.

I found a vacuum cleaner.

That vacuum cleaner never worked!

Well, maybe we ought to get it,

get it fixed,

yeah, why not maybe we'll find some money in there?

I love garbage, look at that garbage, smell that garbage!

Garbage is my life.

You know how they empty garbage in Japan?

No how do they empty

garbage in Japan?

I asked 'ya 'cause I thought you knew.

Don't keep asking me!

Ah!

Hats always fit.

Good morning!

Yes it is!

Indeed.

= oh! - Ha ha ha!

Oh, ooh!

Oh sir!

You!

= you want to sit here!

Hi there America,

I'm Jake rabbit, inviting you to hop into

bunny burrito for a delicious bunny burger,

bunny melt, bunny thermidor, cocoa bunny,

and this week's special,

old fashioned, scrumptious, hare pie!

Hi there America, I'm Jake rabbit,

inviting you to hop into bunny burrito

for a delicious...

It'd help you forget her.

Maybe she's worth remembering.

The trouble with memories is you can't touch 'em.

Hi there America, - that's right.

- I'm Jake rabbit... - Since you're not a memory

does that mean that I can touch you?

That depends on my mood.

Why don't you test your mood on me tonight?

Oh my I don't even know your name!

What's in a name?

All names are hype. - Is your name hype?

Hi there America, I'm Jake rabbit...

Sure. - My name's Debra Kate,

pleased to meet you.

6:30.

All right. - The corner of

sixth and main. - See you then Mr. hype.

I'll see you cold and , cheeky bitch.

Good morning Mrs..

Oh, good morning talltale!

Oh!

No I'm sorry, doctor's not due in yet.

Okay. - Miss finebum,

did you send out my statements?

Miss dimcrinze swears that she hasn't had one in two months!

Mm, we've turned her over for collection.

How's the mail this morning, finebum?

What in god's name is that?

= the mail?

What office were you looking for?

Dr. hoo! - You smell like,

potting chem. - This office.

That perfume must have been

a terrific bargain.

What is it, war surplus?

Did you have an appointment?

Hoo, I want you should see something!

- Do I need an appointment? - Did you get a whiff

of miss finebum this morning?

Well, , exceptions have been made.

Tell me do you think I'm,

an exceptionally good looking fellow?

What?

I won't tease you anymore, finebum.

I'm Dr. heckyl's cousin, I'm taking over his practice,

he's been taken suddenly ill.

In fact you could say the old frog is

crouching at the threshold of death's back door.

Look on these ladies hoo,

what do you see that they have in common?

They're all, underweight, and need a good tickle!

I want to introduce,

y-y-you to them!

This is Mrs. Fritz l. Pitzle, formerly 296 pounds!

And this is Mrs. Fran Van crisco, 268 pounds only yesterday!

And Mrs. vilmarble, 301,

and Mrs. whitespry, 294,

and of course Mrs. Murphy, 302.

Eh, eh, eh... - I'll see my first patient.

Who in the hell is that person?

Who is that guy?

Dr. heckyl's cousin, he's taking over the practice.

He says... - Cousin?

Taking over the practice?

Cousin? - Is he a doctor?

Don't know,

he says that Dr. heckyl is... What is his hame,

this cousin? - But did he say

he's a doctor?

He didn't say.

He didn't say, but he said...

He said Dr. heckyl is dying.

Playing cops and robbers again, lieutenant?

Who are you?

I'm hype, Mr. hype, I'm heckyl's cousin.

I'm standing in for him while he's sick.

Oh I see you have a, an in-growing nail.

Are you a podiatrist?

No, I'm just an enthusiastic amateur.

Do you know I must tell you druck these are

the ugliest feet I've ever seen in my life.

- How'd you know my name? - I saw your picture on

a dart board.

What's the matter with heckyl?

Who cares?

Well, these feet are gonna have to come off.

Go ahead.

Just where did you study medicine, Dr. hype?

That's Mr. hype.

I didn't, I just picked it up.

I know what you mean,

them schools are full of shit.

Right, anything that's important that I should know,

will come from in here.

Right, right.

Are you really serious about cutting off my feet hype?

Sure, why not?

Don't try to snow me hype.

This is no casual amputation!

You want to cut off my feet so I can't follow 'yal

why should I worry about you following me, hmm?

With feet like that, and you

couldn't follow me out of bed!

You making a perverted proposal to me mister?

Me?

Me make a pass at a cop?

Me make a pass at a god damn ugly fat little cop?

A god damned ugly, fat sot, male cop?

Jesus Christ, that is it!

I have had it!

I've been stinking, filthy,

fuck off for 30 bloody years!

I think I've paid my bloody dues!

Crazy son of a bitch.

Miss finebum!

Cancel my appointments for the rest of the day, will you?

Who is that man?

= you don't know? - No!

Well I guess I'd better find out.

What time is coral coreen's appointment with me?

3:30.

Well don't cancel that one, will you?

Huh?

And good morning to you, lushtush!

Ooh!

How you like this one baby?

How come we always have to get the same kind of car?

Well I need it

for my work.

= I hate it!

Hey bimbo, this thing is a rip-off!

I can only give you $50 off!

= I still hate it!

Now this, is a car!

Why should I believe you?

Ah, good question sir, you shouldn't believe me,

you should believe instead the name and tradition

of this great Mark!

That belief's what faith's all about!

You are a horrid, plastic person.

How much do you want for this pile of metallic?

It's marked down, $29,999.99,

but uh... - I knew it would be cheap.

I'd like to take it for a spin.

Why certainly sir, I'd be delighted

to take you any place you'd care to go!

Not with you dimwit, I've got to be alone with this car,

as with a woman, to get the feel of it!

Alone?

Look, you were recommended to me by your podiatrist,

and my cousin Dr. Henry heckyl.

He's as honest as he is ugly.

Oh, cousin, well sure.

Actually I'm only a figment of heckyl's imagination.

Well any cousin of Dr. Heckyl's is a cousin of mine.

He's a horny toad,

all he does is think about

picking up women.

So long sucker.

All right, all right, all right, this is life!

This is where it all!

Doctor doctor, !

Oh yes!

Well my name's, hype!

Ooh fuck!

Hi there miss coreen.

Or should I call you coral?

Who are you? - You wouldn't by any

chance be on your way to your appointment

with your podiatrist, would you?

If so I shall be pleased to give you a lift!

- How would you know that? - Don't you remember me?

I followed you to work today.

On the bus.

You managed to give me the slip

before I could catch you,

but you won't get away this time, will you?

= miss uh...

Oh Mr. Flynn! - Ah...

I'm s orry!

Are you all right?

You seem frightened.

No, I'm all right.

It's nothing.

Who is that man?

= I think he's death.

Death?

He's getting out.

I think you'd better come with me.

In fact I think you could do a bit more.

You shouldn't go to

all this trouble. Oh it's no trouble at all.

Matter of fact... - Can it be that he is

handsomer than me?

This can't have happened to me!

I'll kill her!

She's my dream of love!

I'll kill him!

I'm a dreamer myself!

I'll kill them together!

We were for each other!

Eh, well then I'll kill myself.

I dropped my bag!

She smiled at me.

She wants to be, with me,

to touch me, and to love me,

but I won't let her love me,

because only coral's good enough to love me.

Good enough to be loved, by me.

Oh, but in the meantime I guess I could be

a good sport and let this lady have me.

Hello there.

This your car? - Yes, it's one of them.

I nearly dented your grill with my buttocks, didn't 1?

It's lovely, isn't it, nearly as good looking as its driver.

Well that's like comparing emeralds and rubies, isn't it?

= I like both kinds.

Would you care for a lift?

My car or yours?

What a quaint place.

A bit too obvious for my taste.

Yes it is, a little bit obvious, isn't it?

But on the other hand you see it's always

lacked a certain, woman's touch.

I see you're classics.

Isn't it?

Long may it ripple.

Oh, is this it?

Yes this is it.

Will there be anything special?

I want you to remember

that you're not working now.

You're falling in love, all right?

Gotcha, I only ask 'cause I feel very giving.

I am very touched.

Well perhaps there is something a little special.

Go on, I'm,.

I want you to be, absolutely honest.

= I don't think I've ever tried that.

You can do absolutely anything you want to

if you put your mind to it.

It's not your mind that does the love you know, is it?

Well perhaps you're shy?

Yeah, with somebody watching.

Who?

Oh well!

Old spot.

This is spot, say hello, spot.

Say hello.

Uh, I'm so sorry,

I didn't quite catch your name.

My name's Liza rowne,

what's yours?

Oh it's spot, isn't it?

Tell me, who is the most beautiful

person in this room, Liza?

Well it's spot!

Oh, not you stupid, had it been you

I wouldn't have asked you, would I, hmm?

Oh, I see.

Well let me think.

Oh I know, the most beautiful person in this room,

is spot! - No!

I'm just a rug to be walked on,

Mr. Hyde wants you to tell the truth!

He wants you to tell him that he's the

most beautiful person in the room,

if that's the truth, and if it's not the truth,

then I'm just a, a greasy frog,

a slimy greasy frog with one red eye, and one green eye!

And ears like knuckles, and a nose like an

over-ripe, half-eaten dirty carrot, go on tell me that!

= huh?

What are you thinking?

You're the John, what do you want me to think?

I want you to think what you, really think.

You do think don't you?

Look into these eyes.

My eyes...

Right.

Are they both, blue, both of them?

Both, beautifully blue, sharp, clear?

Aquamarine, beautiful blue?

Oh they are blue and beautiful for a fact.

But it's no good looking too deep, is it?

What do you see?

I said what do you see?

What do you see, in my eyes...

Can't quite make it out, it's something...

Something tacky.

What happened?

Oh hype, don't give a sack of shit.

Hey look at this, what do ya got?

I found 30 cents, we split it!

Of course we split it, we split everything, don't we?

15 for you and 15 for me.

Yeah we split everything but the cigars.

It's 'cause I don't smoke!

Smoke if you like the taste of orange peels,

they're not bad.

Hello druck,

looking for something?

I don't know.

Am I?

No you're not.

Why don't I just puree your thoughts?

In all sincerity, the customer drove out of here

in a near new, two-user, convertible

and has not, I repeat not come back!

Gee we're just real sorry about that sir,

but, testimony of a used car dealer is inadmissible.

Ain't that right dummy?

Yeah!

= officer.

This man obviously can't walk a straight line,

will you arrest him please?

= oh, not again!

No more sup-hose!

Mr. hype's office? - No more maalox.

And no more.

Good morning to you, miss biggybottom!

Oh so elegant!

So slim, so, so delicious.

He knows beebeebuns.

He knows everyone.

And nobody seems to know him.

Okay, okay, uh, no, put, put the tray

on the top of the trolley, there, and uh,

the orchids, dump those on the top of

that speaker over there.

And uh... - Listen, friend,

I am, uh, uh d-doctor

hinkle! - Too...

Come in I've got some news for you!

Okay, come on flunkies, you can leave it here

I'll arrange it all myself.

- You got news for me... - Come on come on come on!

Is it about heckyl? - Oh forget heckyl!

Now, you remember that blonde you used

to talk to me about? Eh the blonde, the girl

from heckyl's dreams? - Right right right!

Now, she is coming here, this afternoon for an appointment.

Dr. heckyl's dream girl is coming here and you're excited?

Yes of course I'm excited after 13 years, who wouldn't be?

Look, I got, I've got champagne, I've got chocolates,

I've got caviar, I've got balloons, I've got music,

I've got flowers!

The only thing I haven't got is experience.

Tell me hinkle, you a fairly good looking fellow,

what is a sure fired way of getting into a girl's pants?

Become a presser.

Always the same old hinkle, eh...

Look, who are you?

= still don't know? - All I know is that

you're planning to seduce Dr. Heckyl's dream girl,

and you don't even tell me how he is sick.

I went to his house today over lunch, and I found bupkis!

Keep away from that house.

What have you done, to me friend heckyl?

I ate him.

= I'm fat!

I'm fat!

I'm fat!

Oh Henry!

Oh well, what the hell.

Oh god!

Fat, relapse?

Next it will be me!

Oh god I'm not coming back!

No!

No I won't go!

Mr. hype?

Mr. hype?

Dr. heckyl! - Heckyl!

Heykyl!

Uh, hi ya fellas.

Oh, miss coreen's outside!

Where'd you come from?

= oh uh, a vulture brought me.

I was in the bathroom.

Uh eh eh where is Mr. hype?

= he's left.

Well he didn't get past me!

Everything gets past you finebum!

= oh shut up hoo!

- He left from the bathroom. - That's impossible, heckyl!

The only way out through the bathroom

is through the toilet!

And he said you were deathly ill!

=- who? - Your cousin!

= oh he was no cousin of mine.

No cousin?

Were you sick?

Oh hinkle, was I sick.

Well then, we'd better let you see your

first patient now, but we'll talk on this later!

Right hoo? - I really,

can't get that involved!

Finebum, send in my next victim!

Hello Dr. heckyl!

Lots of excitement around here to...

Oh, what have you done to your office?

Hmm? - Do you like it?

It's beautiful.

Yes I thought it would uh,

make my patients feel a little more comfortable.

Aw, I feel very comfortable with you.

Now that the ice so to speak is broken.

= oh.

Would you uh, uh,

would oh would you uh-um,

would you like some caviar?

Would you care for a bonbon?

I was almost assaulted today.

A real creep, I mean a weirdo!

Yeah well I guess it takes all kinds, yes?

= not this kind.

He followed me on the bus, and he leered.

He grabbed an old lady's seat,

and he even tried to pick me up!

He knew all about me.

I think he was death, or somebody.

He had these terrible eyes.

You know I think he really wanted to kill me!

= oh!

Oh would you, would you like a, a glass of...

Can I tell you something doc?

You're terrific.

Uh was he uh, a really good looking guy?

Who? - The one with the

frightening eyes?

Oh him, who cares?

Oh, but would you like, a chocolate covered cherry?

= oh thanks.

He was physically attractive as far as that goes.

But he acts as if he owned the world.

Beautiful people are always forgiven,

always given everything.

You're a beautiful person, you should know that.

Can I tell you a secret doc?

Beauty's boring.

I mean I'm only skin deep.

You're beautiful inside.

Yeah but for my kind of beauty there's no cure.

Shall I tell you how I got like this?

I'll tell you anyway.

Nobody really knows, all they know is that,

when my mother was carrying me she was sniffing glue.

When she was nursing me she was sniffing glue.

The day I was born she was sniffing glue.

So now every time I have a glass of milk, I taste glue.

Every time I lick a stamp or an envelope,

I'm suddenly back at my mother's bosom.

But who would nurse me now?

I would, if I was a nurse.

Heckyl, you're a sanctimonious schmuck.

You know what you've got to do.

Drop dead.

Now turn around, and go back to hinkle's office,

and get the paste bottle out of the waste basket.

Not for a million.

Excuse me miss.

Um, but Mr. hype has asked me to tell you

that while you were expecting him for,

our little meeting now,

he's not going to be able to make it.

Uh, ooh which is probably just as well for you

because otherwise he probably could have murdered you!

He could have murdered you!

I could have taken her to a movie,

to a Chinese restaurant,

to a waterbed motel.

The one thing that can get me there,

is in hinkle's waste basket.

Get it now, now!

Where's the paste?

Oh...

No paste here.

Oh oh, oh...

Oh, oh...

Don't be a fool!

Where's the paste?

Dig deeper, creep!

I can't find it!

Into the bin, goblin, find that paste or I'll

twist your precious little neck

till the skull pops out of the skin!

I'll bet I find a really good hat this time!

Oh jeez some people got no respect for garbage!

And the boss don't want no more bodies out at the dump!

Why should he care, it's all garbage, ain't it?

That just shows you don't know shit from garbage.

Garbage stinks, feet stink.

=I found it!

What'd you see?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you.

Try me, like hell I will.

Sergeant fleacollar?

Hello! - I want to report

a monster in my garbage!

How soon can you get here?

Right away! - Good!

A monster?

You saw the monster?

I said you wouldn't

believe me, and you're right I don't, it's crazy!

Hi guys, what took you so long?

What's this about a monster?

As monster's go, this one is a

particularly unappealing, bile-green.

When I spotted him, he was ingesting a half-eaten carrot.

My carrot I might add!

If you move sharp you can still catch him, right here!

In the garbage!

In the garbage!

No monster!

No monster.

= there he is!

And he's stealing my garbage!

= get the monster!

This is officer gurnisht hilfn,

there's a, bile-green garbage eating monster on the loose.

Repeat, monster on the loose!

Oh, aw, , mmm...

Uh, uh, uh...

Better, stay there, stay there, don't move!

Stay right there!

Don't worry, I wouldn't hurt a fly!

Uh don't uh call uh, uh, uh, the police!

Ah, oh, oh...

Ah, oh...

What the hell do you think you're doing with that man?

Why that's inhuman!

Eh, ,

may I ask you just one question?

Yes my poor mistreated man,

go ahead and ask me your question.

What kind of car are you now driving?

My mistake. - I'm with you!

Whack him!

Ow!

Ah!

Hello?

Hello?

Eh this, San texaco police,

this is sergeant fleacollar speaking.

Allo, this is pizelle puree, do you remember me?

You don't think that I remember every broad that I...

Forget the cracks eh?

I want to report a monster from out of in space.

A monster?

Are you uh, bragging or complaining?

Don't laugh at me copper, it just came out of my closet.

= I'll take it. - Huh?

= this is lieutenant druck.

He came down on top of my bed next to my body,

can you imagine?

Did he have one red eye, one green eye,

hair like it was taken off of a Halloween mask

and a nose like a half-eaten carrot?

Yes, he is now under my bed,

making disgusting noises.

That's no monster, that's my podiatrist.

Don't let me in into your habit mister,

I am trapped in my water closet.

Just hang loose lady, huh?

He wouldn't hurt a fly, we'll be there in a couple of hours.

Silly bastard.

He didn't even get my address.

It's all right madam,

I'm beautiful again.

Who are you?

How did you get in?

And where is the monster?

How many questions am I supposed to answer, hmm?

The last time I saw the monster,

he was flying across the moon.

Why don't we talk about ourselves?

Us?

You mean, this nightmare might become a romance?

Are you trying to make me crazy in my head?

You, are beautiful.

I'm at home, in my bedroom,

you are a total stranger,

and the police is on its way.

= that will take three hours.

You are gorgeous.

Uh, but I don't know you.

Where do you come from?

Oh, I madam, am a doctor.

Dr. heckyl.

People like me, I can't tell why

because I'm as ugly, as a blind horse.

Hmm, you may be dangerous,

but you're not so ugly honey!

That's the first time I've ever kissed a girl.

I bet you say that to all the girls.

No, girls are frightened of me.

They run away from me.

= well, I'm not running.

= no.

But you trod on my new foot, and you know,

as for all those other girls, they,

they see something tacky in my eyes.

Let me see!

What, kind of a thing are you?

Thing?

Thing?

What kind of a thing am 1?

Now look at this nose, look at these dimples!

But I!

How can you say that?

Let me show you my

body!

= no!

No, oh, no!

Let me go!

You ask the mirror on the wall,

who is the grooviest of them all?

Please let me go!

You come to bed with me,

and you show me what I have been missing

in bed for the last years!

Oh, all right, okay!

Liar!

Any woman who really appreciates my attractiveness,

that woman will live.

For god's sake hype,

stay away from coral!

You may call me Harry.

If I may call you coral.

You can call me anytime you want.

Gabreel's file, my dear.

Proceed.

So dry.

I'll fetch a fresh champagne.

Oh don't turn on the lights!

X if I could be, whatever I wanted to be k

x I think I'd like to be a tree k

x if I could be, whatever I wanted to be k

ki think I ¥

ooh uh!

Hmm.

You, and the night, and champagne.

To hell with the champagne, I'll take you.

Oh, herringbone!

Oh you mad...

Herringbone?

Herringbone?

Herringbone Flynn, I'm sick of herringbone Flynn!

Herringbone Flynn isn't in!

Who is it? - Who is this?

Who am 1?

I'm Mr. hype, your doctor and friend and now,

your lover! - Hmm...

No!

No, oh!

Dr. heckyl!

Miss coreen!

Oh I can explain everything!

Well explain it to the police.

They'll be here any minute.

Dr. heckyl, what are you doing in my arms?

You're supposed to be looking after my feet.

Might as well get another bottle of champagne!

Aren't you afraid of me?

Why, do you want me to be afraid of you?

Oh no no no no!

Well doc, we're gonna have to start

calling you speedy Gonzales!

Speedy Gonzales! - There is a

simple explanation! - Simple?

Oh it was simple, he hit me over the head

with a flower pot and then, made love to my,

faithful employee. Book him for insinuation

of affection, assault with a flower pot,

and murder. - Murder?

= murder!

You may look like a monster Henry,

but you make love like a man.

Oh gee thanks. - Take him, take him away!

Oh, , oh, shit!

You got the wrong guy, it's a, it's a, it's a bum rap!

Oh!

You did say first degree?

We got him cold, the evidence and

the witnesses are right over there!

But can I make a phone call please?

= thanks.

Uh, hello?

Uh, what do you mean it's a long story?

I've only got one dime.

Would you come and bail me out of here?

I haven't got any money.

Get the money from hoo, hoo's got money.

Uh and then, and then come and get me out of here would you?

Look, boychick, I haven't got a car.

And even if I did have a car I couldn't drive it

because I can't drive!

Besides, all my patients are going fat and skinny

and skinny and fat, then fat and skinny,

I'm surrounded by embarrassments.

You get the car from hoo, hoo's got a car and,

make him drive you down here.

Uh and please come and, come and bail me out of here!

= I'll think about it.

Goodbye.

Who is that?

What do you care?

Hiya!

I'm bad William!

You free to stay, as long as you don't step on my shadow,

which is bigger, than you!

You sure is one ugly little mother, isn't you?

If you's a bug I'd step on you,

but I'd be afraid what might come out, !

All right, I have some money,

this is my mad money.

This certainly is mad!

All right kids, there'll be no more volunteer inmates!

Hey excuse me commandant, we are here to bail out

a particular Dr. heckyl, our partner.

You couldn't bail him out with a stomach pump!

You don't just bail somebody out for murder!

He didn't say anything about murder.

Anybody step or fall

on my shadow is a dead mother, that's for sure!

Hey bro, can you teach me how to do that?

My pleasure.

Listen lieutenant we all know that heckyl

couldn't even murder his own worst enemy!

= gimme his name and address.

Who, heckyl's?

His worst enemy.

This is ridiculous,

let's just talk to him and get to the bottom of

all this fiddle-faddle. - Why not?

Maybe you're right I'll go get him.

But he's not going anywhere!

Ah!

Iranian asshole!

Hype, where's Dr. heckyl?

He hit me on the head and took my place.

What were you doing in there?

I was minding my own business.

Just what is your business, mister?

I dabble in podiatry.

I would be a bit surprised.

Look lieutenant are you charging me with anything?

No you sneaky bastard.

Get him out of here!

If you insist!

Ready, aim, fire!

Hot, damn!

It's me!

My dear hinkle, since you

came here to pick up heckyl and you found hype,

does that lead you to any deep, significant conclusions?

You would like, maybe a lift sir?

Yeah, providing you can drop me at coral's, certainly.

Now listen hype, I know you were Dr. Heckyl once,

and for all I know you might be Dr. Heckyl again,

but what I want to know is how did you do it?

Why don't you shut up hinkle, you fat old fool?

But you could be the greatest doctor of all time.

= well I uh...

What? - You know that

wild protein of yours?

Yeah.

When it attaches itself to everybodys' cell,

it removes all offending attributes.

Meaning, fat.

Meaning, whatever your subconscious wants

to tell you it means.

It leaves only what the patient sees as perfection,

his own perfection.

Ah, then you are Dr. heckyl's idea

of himself as a good looking fellow.

Exactly.

No...

Surround the Van and move in when I give the word.

Everything.

Now I've seen everything.

= you mean this stuff?

Turns you into that nice looking chap?

No no no,

no no no! - No don't do it, don't do

Oh it's too late.

Is is, too late...

Too late for what?

I can't stay and see this happen to you.

=- hmm? - Me too.

What's the matter?

Hoo, you are too impulsive!

That's what's the matter.

When that diet paste changes you into your favorite image,

it rules that image, with your subconscious,

rebellious, infantile, mirror mentality.

Alter ego.

Well it turns your head inside out.

It fulfills all your dreams and turns you

into the kind of person, you've always hated most of all,

whose powers you've, secretly coveted.

The monster I became has, has no compassion.

Take him. - Take him.

He will kill, anybody who doesn't fall in love with him.

Well, eventually we could fix that, uh, but now eh...

What the...

Rar!

Miss finebum!

Miss finebum!

= it is miss finebum.

Well, not exactly.

But who are we to split hairs?

Oh!

Oh!

Love it, love!

How did you know?

When I didn't?

Oh...

Oh, oh no,

- give me the paste! - Oh, oh no, it's mine!

= give it to me! - I created it!

No, no, not, not, not for a million!

That's evidence, arrest - no!

That man! - No!

Let go of my arm, druck, he stole the paste already!

Heckyl, quit!

It's gotta be, destroyed!

Uh, my paste!

I've got to get my paste, he threw it in that big bird cage!

Well go get him!

Well go get him!

Oh my, my future my, my fortune!

My life! - Aha!

Breaking in are we? Oh no don't shoot captain,

I was just trying to go inside to recover the evidence.

Got get 'em, tiger! - Oh, thanks.

= uh-ah... - No!

Be a nice pussy cat!

Ah, , oh wait a minute!

No, please, , please, oh, dear, ah!

No...

He got away! - What?

He got away! - Who?

Shut up!

What?

=I found it!

I, I fff, I found it, found it!

Yeah it's gone.

Ah, ah!

= I'll take that.

That.

Finebum! - Right here Mr. hype!

Get the guns!

Chain them up!

I'm with you!

I know, and I'm with you.

Because I'm perfect?

The ultimate seductress?

Because we are as one,

invincible!

Invincible!

Let's face it, we're probably immortal!

Why don't you shoot each other and find out?

You get in my way again, smoothbrain,

and you'll wish your mother had strangled you at birth!

= she tried!

= you are brilliant!

Let's take a police car!

Oh!

I want to drive!

Try one on for size!

Hats always fit, my dear!

= I'll terminate that bastard!

Tonight!

Follow me.

Follow me!

What do you think?

I think you're a good looking hunk of man.

And I think you're a delicious tomato.

You're fantastically handsome!

=- hmm...

You are the most beautiful woman in the world.

You, are a Greek, god!

You're Helen of Troy!

Park here!

That was the first time

for me.

I think that was the first time for anyone.

Do you want to go again?

Do you think you can?

Oh you are cute.

Oh, you are, nice...

You are adorable...

You are, , irresistible!

All right, move it! - Yeah, yeah.

= surround unit one! - Okay!

Move it!

Surround unit one!

Go on, you big stiff!

Wha, ah!

Heckyl, you!

Ach!

I'm kissing, heckyl!

You changed back, you're Dr. heckyl!

And I again must be, Dr. hoo!

Look!

Ee-yew!

Uh-huh, tickled to death.

Here it's, you she wants.

Who is it?

It's only me, Dr. heckyl.

Oh, doctor!

I thought you were that horrible Mr. hype!

For a second I was. - Oh...

I didn't know you were a policeman.

Oh I'm, I'm not.

= oh...

Did anyone ever tell you, you have terrific eyes?

= no...

That's because nobody's ever really looked in 'em.

Somebody once told me though,

that there was something tacky behind them.

No, no.

Something, hometown, laid back,

a, good time Mr. mellow in there.

Oh you don't have the light on me,

it doesn't kid me.

I know I'm a hideous monster and a fool in love.

But you know, I used to sit at the bus stop

just to see you climb on the bus.

It was love at first sight.

And I've come here to say goodbye before I give myself up.

Don't give yourself up!

Stay with me, I'll hide you!

I mean I'm a liberated person Henry,

I don't think you're ugly at all!

When I look in your eyes I see that big, beautiful heart.

Oh, it's not me you see,

it's the other guy the other evil, good looking guy!

The guy that tried to pick you up from a stolen car and,

and and and took the seat from the

old lady on the bus and killed two women and,

and made love to you last night, that's, that's what,

that's what you see.

Oh stop jabbering and kiss me!

This is the big, beautiful image you saw

in the heart of the monster.

This is too ironic to bear.

You would love me when I'm a sweating, pimple bush,

but now my life is complete you will

cringe and spurn me.

Don't touch me!

It's a violation of the truth of nature,

it's a violation of my own, inner truth.

You have invalidated yourself.

You give me one good reason why I should not kill you?

'Cause you love me! - Wrong!

It's heckyl that loves you, why not me?

And being given a free pass we have a whole,

new world of lust in front of us!

You didn't mind the last time did you?

I didn't know you last time!

You'd rather make love to a stranger

in the night than, a good looking fellow like me?

Now you know the truth.

I'm two monsters for the price of one.

I can't let you love me,

'cause Mr. hype's gonna come back and

this time he's gonna kill you.

Oh, you lovely man, I understand it now.

This is the last time we have together.

Absolutely.

But you deserve to have your dream come true.

Oh, you sound just like,

just like Judy garland.

Will come true.

This minute, now, before he comes back.

Oh yes...

My god can this be you...

Now's the time to rid the world

of the ugliness of Dr. heckyl, the evil die.

What about the goodness of Dr. heckyl?

And the beauty of Mr. hype?

Can't have it both ways.

Oh Henry!

You can't destroy me!

You kill me and I'll haunt you,

I will!

Don't believe that liar, he's only trying to scare you.

Try not to talk!

Your lips are so dry.

What's this?

Oh!

Farewell my love.

Oh!

Now we're dead, and I'm still a virgin.