Original subtitles

[Bang!]

Worst... Birthday... Ever.

All I wanted was a small dinner party with my closest friends,

finally introducing them to each other.

What I got was a reality check.

For my 40th birthday,

I got the only kind of present you can't return - the truth.

[BANG!]

♪

Maybe I should back it up a bit.

Everything was on track for the perfect evening.

[cell phone ringing]

Hey, Evelyn.

Jaden, put that down! Put that down right now!!

Are you and James on the way?

Don't be mad.

Mad? Why?

We can't make it tonight.

- Evelyn! - I know, it's Jaden!

Josh's mother gave him a cupcake after a playdate this afternoon.

Sugar, at that hour! Can you believe it?

Well...

He's bouncing off the walls.

And what if he had been allergic to wheat?

Did she even think about that?

She should be shot.

If I had a gun and believed in violence,

and knew who this kid Josh was, I'd do it for you.

James! James!

He's too close to the... {GLASS SHATTERS}

No, stop it! He's...

I gotta go. We'll make it up to you.

I'm sorry, and happy...

Jaden! Put your clothes on!

Put your clothes on right now!

Just four for dinner.

I could handle that.

More for everyone, right?

And I knew that my pal Woody wouldn't let me down.

Yeah, man, I'm really sick.

Are you serious, Woody?

Yeah, there's something going around the office.

I think it's the temp in the mailroom.

So, I just can't get out tonight.

Especially in this weather.

So it's a little cold.

Ever hear of a thing called pneumonia?

Ever hear of a thing called a friend's 40th birthday party?

You'll have another one next year.

Let me explain something to you about milestones.

You'll be fine without me.

- But Evelyn and James-- -Can keep you company tonight.

I really gotta go, Doug.

Feel better.

Mmmm.

[SIGHS]

At least I could count on my favorite employee, Philip,

and his partner, Terry.

I can't make it.

What do you mean you can't make it?

A new client showed up, totally last minute.

Well, just tell him to come back tomorrow

- I would, but - But what?

Tell him {end-italic}- and use your nice voice -

that the owner of the Pilates studio

is having a birthday party,

and kindly request that he come back tomorrow.

But he bought

six months of daily, private, one-on-one sessions...

In advance.

But that's not...

That's a lot of money.

I know, right?

But he insisted he start tonight.

Why?

Something about watching the biggest fatties on television,

and he's getting married in six months,

and his fiancee was like, shape up or ship out.

Something like that.

I wasn't really paying attention.

Is this right?

Not quite.

Is he breaking the equipment?

Don't let him break the equipment!

He's fine.

Or at least, he will be fine, with my help.

So I guess this means Terry can't make it.

He's been stuck in traffic for an hour just trying to get here.

- He can totally still try to. - That's OK...

I'll live.

Well, say hello to everyone for us.

And happy birthday, Doug-bug.

Is this supposed to hurt?

I had clearly been deluding myself.

These people weren't my friends.

Real friends show up no matter what.

This birthday sucks.

And not in a good way.

[doorbell rings]

Are you the big birthday boy?

Oh, no.

Uh huh.

I'm Bambi, with an i.

[giggles]

Great.

I was told there was gonna be a party.

It was cancelled on account of patheticness.

We... could still...

Hold on...

Have a party for two.

That would make it a party for four.

Listen, you have the wrong guy.

You're not little Doogie?

Little Doogie?

Your brother says, Happy Birthday!

My brother?

[Bambi giggling]

Oops!

Derek.

No need to thank me, bro.

I wasn't going to.

I just figured it was something you didn't already have.

You do remember, I sleep with men, right?

So does Bambi, so you two have a lot in common.

Shut up.

- You having a good birthday? - No.

How was yours?

Just what I expected.

Karen asked Grace what we should do for Daddy's birthday.

But Grace is six years old.

Seven, actually.

Thanks for remembering.

Sorry.

So where'd you end up?

You know, at the mall, at a tea party,

in that store where they sell those creepy-ass dolls.

Did Grace get you one of those creepy-ass dolls

for your 40th birthday?

She did, indeed.

I'm letting her watch it right now.

You're such a good father.

And you are old.

We're twins, we're the same age.

But you just feel older.

I do tonight.

Why?

Because I'm all alone. Everyone's abandoned me.

That's because you're ugly.

Fuck you very much.

What about that old guy you've been seeing?

- Jacob. - Yeah, Jacob.

He's not old.

- He's 50! - And I'm 40.

And you're old, too.

You're ten minutes younger than me.

What does that make you?

Uh, lucky I'm not in the dating pool.

So why don't you just invite Jacob?

Well, we've only been out a few times, and besides,

it's not serious or anything.

How do you know?

Well, because on our last date...

Doug, I really like you,

but I'm not looking for anything serious right now.

Well, there you go.

And I'm seeing him again this weekend, so...

Well, you know, if I lived closer, I'd be there.

Yeah, I hate spending our birthdays apart.

Karen and the kids wanted to wish you Happy Birthday, too.

- Thanks. - Enjoy your present.

[Bambi giggling]

Not a chance.

But...but I can stay.

Best offer I've had all night, and yet, no thanks.

Hey, I'm--

Oh, my God! My brother will not give up.

You, get inside.

Take your clothes off, do whatever you need to do.

And you, thank you for an abysmal evening.

What's that mean?

It means no tip.

Come in. Let's get this over with.

- I'm-- - Paid by the hour, right.

Nice... You should wax.

What?

Never mind, amuse me.

Keep goin'. Turn this day around.

Um, I think there's a misunderstanding.

Yeah, it doesn't look like you're wearing a g-string.

Some stripper you are.

I'm not a stripper...

I'm your new neighbor.

I got this mail by mistake.

Sorry.

Black briefs.

Huh?

No g-string.

I'm more of a black briefs kinda guy.

Do you want some cake?

Cake.

Sounds fun.

Oh...

You have no idea how much I needed that.

Was it on your birthday wish list?

It is now.

I'd say I didn't have time to wrap it,

but that's not entirely true, is it?

And it was just the right size.

Good, you can't return it.

I'm so glad you knocked on my door.

I'm glad you knocked on my door in return.

I was talking about my actual door.

I wasn't.

[both laughing]

You live next door?

Mmmm, yes, I do.

Just renting, but I like it.

So, what brings you to the gayborhood?

Just time for a change. You lived here long?

Five years.

That's commitment.

I do believe in commitment.

Good to know.

Where are you going?

I should get going...

Back to my place.

You don't have to.

I don't want to keep you up.

Besides, there's a tennis match I want to watch.

The exhibition match from Dubai?

Yeah, you a tennis fan?

- Huge. - Oh, nice.

I have my DVR set to record it. Should be a really good match.

Maybe I should come over,

and watch it with you in the morning.

Maybe you should just stay and watch it with me in the morning.

Deal.

[doorbell rings]

Aha! I have to pee.

Come in, Evelyn. Make yourself at home.

Let me tell you about all the amazing sex I had last night.

A strange women just raced through here to the bathroom.

She's not strange, she's Evelyn.

On the other hand, she's very strange.

Oh, my God, so much better.

Doug?

Yes.

There's a strange man in your bed.

I know.

I was gonna tell you earlier, but I had to pee.

Just making sure you knew he was here.

- I do. - Excellent.

And...the introductions would start...

Oh, sorry.

Evelyn, this is Colton.

Colton, this is my dear friend, Evelyn.

Charmed, I'm sure.

I would shake your hand, but I'm sort of naked.

Are you?

Nice to meet you.

And you.

I'm sure the pleasure was all Doug's.

So, he is...

too young for you, but that's beside the point.

Cut it out, Evvy. He's my--

Birthday present.

I do take credit cards, by the way.

- You didn't! - I didn't.

Oh, yes, you did, sir.

Sir?

Thank you for untying me, sir.

This is so not what--

Oh, Doug, Doug, you're a grown man.

You can spend your money however you like.

Just be sure to give him a big tip.

He's already done that.

I like him.

He's my neighbor.

Whatever turns you on, sweetie, mmm hmmm.

I should get going.

It was... nice to meet you.

And you.

Hope we'll be seeing more of you.

And now we have.

Whoo!

Um... Happy Birthday!

Thanks.

It was yesterday, remember?

I remember, I remember every...

Oh, shit, Jaden's still in the car!

I gotta run!

I love you!

You're terrible, Muriel.

Thank you, sir.

So what did you do?

Excuse me?

For your birthday.

How'd you know?

It's on your online profile.

Did you have a good time?

Yeah. Actually, it was...

[moans]

Nice, in the end.

Hmm... Your end or his?

[breathing heavily]

No comment.

I thought so.

You look, shall we say, very satisfied today.

I am. I mean, I was having a shitty birthday,

and then something happened that just made it feel like,

I don't know, like, turning 40 wasn't so bad.

That must have been some serious sex.

I don't know if I'm comfortable talking about this with you.

Don't worry about it.

It's not like we're exclusive or anything.

Did you ask me to go steady when I wasn't paying attention?

It's no big deal.

You're dating other guys, I'm dating other guys.

You're dating other guys?

Well, I would if I could find them.

You know, if you hadn't slammed into my car that day--

I barely bumped into you.

I almost had whiplash.

Oh, you almost had a headache.

Potato, po-tah-to.

You were parked in front of my house,

and I was barely going five miles an hour.

That's not the point.

If you hadn't hit me,

we wouldn't have started talking,

and I would have never had the courage to ask you out.

Here's to fate.

And here's to being rear-ended.

[glasses clink]

So...

Why were you parked in front of my house?

House hunting.

You never mentioned you were house hunting.

You never asked.

That's odd.

- That you never asked? - Yeah.

You were being very polite.

Polite? How?

You weren't talking with your mouth full.

Oh, yeah.

You should be on the welcoming committee for the neighborhood.

Made me feel quite at home.

Good.

So, um, did you find a place yet?

Not yet.

Staying with relatives for a bit.

I still can't believe that you were...married.

And...you have a son.

Two sons.

Oh, yeah, I forgot, wow.

Well, I don't talk about my second son much.

Why?

He didn't take my coming out very well.

What'd he do?

No, you can't be gay! You're my daddy!

Ooh, yikes.

He was always a little emotional.

Did he ever accept it?

I hate you! You've ruined my life!

Not yet...

Someday.

But your other son's OK with it, right?

Definitely.

But that's another story for another day.

Read me a bedtime story, Daddy?

No, don't do that.

Why, you gonna spank me?

I'll spank you.

[both laughing]

You sure you don't want to come out with me?

Ugh, that club makes me feel so old.

But you are old.

Not that much older than you,

according to your driver's license.

Clerical error at the DMV.

I'm not a day over 29.

What?!

I'll get you for that, my ugly.

Good Lord, you are gay.

Yeah, I am, and why should you feel old?

You're dating a twink.

Oh, that's right.

You're also dating an elder.

Um, first of all, Colton is 30 - that is hardly a twink.

30? I throw them back if they're a day over 25.

Oh, yeah, and that works for you?

Totally works for me.

OK, well what about the time that we hooked up?

OK. A - I was drunk.

B - you were a lot younger then.

And C - I was really drunk.

Whatever. OK, and Jacob.

He's 50, not close to an elder.

50? Is he all wrinkly and shit?

Not that it matters, but no.

He's in good shape.

For a man his age.

Don't you dare make a Viagra joke.

Oh, do you need some? I have some extra.

Why do you have Viagra?

From that orgy I went to last month.

Oh, my gosh, you, my friend, are a whore.

You're so sweet.

Oh, big question - underwear, yes or no?

Um, I'm gonna say yes.

No it is.

Why do you...date--

Why is it you're OK with dating younger men

as opposed to older men?

Because younger men keep me young.

Or at least, they make me feel young.

And, really, isn't that what it's all about?

Anyway...

Oh, that reminds me.

There's a bottle of wine for you in the kitchen.

Happy Birthday, bud.

[knocking]

That was fast.

I told you I take credit cards.

What? Oh... I was waiting for pizza.

Well, how about a home-cooked meal instead?

I can hardly tell that you just moved in.

The owners wanted to rent it furnished,

and who am I to turn away furniture?

Never say no to ottomans, they get very upset.

Bone...

...appetite.

Classy.

I try.

Red or white?

Well, actually, I'm one-sixteenth Cherokee

on my mother's side, but mostly white.

I meant the wine.

White.

Coming right up.

It smells amazing.

It's the bacon.

Is the bacon hiding?

Bacon and sun-dried tomatoes stuffed inside the chicken,

a bacon-infused vinaigrette in the salad,

and the bread - is a bacon-Gruyere scone.

So...you like bacon.

I like bacon.

Did you put bacon in the wine?

Yeah, I dipped the rims in bacon fat.

No, you did not.

I did not...

But I might someday.

[door slams]

You could try knocking.

What are you...?

We're having dinner.

This is the guy I was telling you about;

he lives next door.

That's where I... I mean, I...

almost walked right up to the house next door.

Totally not paying attention.

Funny, huh?

Hilarious.

And apparently, I learned nothing

from meeting your friend the other morning.

Introductions all around.

This is Doug, he...

Lives next door.

Yeah, good memory.

Doug, this is Jacob, my father.

Your--

Father.

Your father?

My father.

His father?

His father.

Well, that's just fucked up.

I know.

You're dating a father and son?

Well, that just sounds dirtier than it is.

Well, just how dirty is it?

It's not!

I'm dating two men who happen to be fath...

Oh, Christ.

Wow, that sounds bad.

Does this happen a lot in the gay world?

No.

'Cause I've seen some mother-daughter lesbian porn,

and that was pretty damn hot.

Please stop talking.

So, um, what did the son, uh...

- Colton. - {end-italic}Yeah, Colton.

What did he say when he found out?

Well...

I'll put that in the kitchen. You two get to know each other.

That's your son?

You didn't tell me you had a gay son.

You didn't ask.

I've got to start asking more questions.

What are you two whispering about?

How much we adore you, Son.

That's sweet.

See any family resemblances?

Now that you mention it.

Colton, can you get me a glass of wine?

Sure.

I don't want to hear anything about our...resemblances.

- Fine. - Fine.

You're not staying, are you?

I live here.

Well, that's just awkward.

So you're the one that thought my son was a stripper?

It was an honest mistake.

And sleeping with him?

That was on purpose.

What?

- Nothing. - Nothing.

Is there any more chicken?

Don't worry, I'll eat it in my room.

Yes, I will get you that.

What do we tell him?

- Nothing. - Nothing?

Tell him nothing.

He's always been competitive. It runs in the family.

But this is not a competition.

It will be soon.

You boys have fun.

I'm going to, uh, eat this in my room,

which is ten feet that way -

behind those thin walls.

In case anybody needs me.

Night, Dad.

It was nice meeting you.

Yes, wasn't it?

And you continued your date with Colton

like nothing had happened?

I tried, what else was I supposed to do?

Move out of the neighborhood due to sheer embarrassment.

That thought crossed my mind.

Tell me you didn't stay over with Jacob there?

I did not stay over with Jacob there.

I can't stay over with your father here.

He won't mind.

Did I mention he's gay, too?

I know. I mean, no, I just...

kind of figured it out.

Really? How?

Well... um...

Did he hit on you?

No. No!

Of course not!

I'm kidding around.

I mean, how weird would that be, right?

So weird.

Completely weird.

Bizarro weird!

Then...stay.

I should get home.

What, beat the traffic?

Exactly.

That's a joke, 'cause you live next door.

Next time?

Next time.

So you slept alone,

while the two men you're sleeping with

slept next to each other in the house that they share.

That seems to be the case.

I'm gonna need a flowchart to keep up with this.

So do you have a Daddy complex,

or does Colton?

How do you know about Daddy complexes?

I'm a therapist. I deal with a lot of strippers.

No... Nobody has a daddy complex.

Does Jacob like it when you call him Daddy?

No.

Oh, my God!

You actually call him Daddy?

It was a joke.

Does Colton call you Daddy?

No! Nobody calls anybody Daddy, OK?

Except for Colton and Jacob.

Because, well, he is his daddy.

Can we...say father instead?

The daddy stuff is kinda creeping me out.

Hey, have you told our father about this?

I'm hanging up now.

Hey.

Sorry about your birthday thing the other night.

Here.

What does it mean that every person I know

got me wine for my birthday?

That you're an alcoholic?

I'm not an alcoholic.

Do you drink at home alone?

[snoring]

Yeah, sometimes.

Classic signs of an alcoholic.

But wait, I live alone, so of course I drink alone.

First step is the hardest.

Apparently the only steps I need are the ones

leading right to the local liquor store.

Them's the spirits!

Thanks for your support.

No, it's the best liquor store around here.

Them's The Spirits - it's the name of the store.

Oh, OK. Good to know.

Hey, do you have a minute?

We should go to lunch.

- Oh, God! - What?

Are you firing me?

Why would you think I'm firing you?

You always take people to lunch when you're firing them.

I do?

That vegan place down the street...

You said that people won't have the energy

to fight back without any protein.

- I said that? - A little bit.

I'm not firing you.

I just want to congratulate you for landing that new client.

Oh, that. Thanks.

I'm just glad we could fit him in.

I was looking at the schedule;

we are really booked up this month.

All thanks to your brilliant idea.

Which brilliant idea are you talking about?

You're gonna have to narrow that one down.

The senior citizens Intro to Pilates class.

It's really taken off.

You really have a grasp on that demographic.

- No I don't. - Sure, you do.

You have this sense for what really gets them excited.

Yeah, but I can relate to the younger generation, too.

Of course you can, mister.

So can I.

After all, Terry is three whole years younger than I am.

That's like 20 in gay years.

It's not that big.

Yes, it is.

Why do you think I stay with him?

It's big.

That reminds me...

We need to schedule our sexual harassment training.

[whispers] You need to go.

I'll make a note of it.

This feels good.

Mmmm...

Good.

Great, even.

Great!

You're not making this easy.

That's because you're making it very, very hard.

Be serious a second.

OK, serious, go.

What I'm trying to say is... I like this.

I like spending time with you.

I like you, Doug.

I like you, Colton.

I know haven't known each other that long,

but I think we have a connection here.

Me too.

And I was hoping that we could see a lot more of each other.

Kinda unavoidable.

We're neighbors.

You know what I mean.

You're not asking me to go steady, are you?

Jeez, sounds like something my dad would say.

Oh, I didn't mean that in a bad way.

Is that how you see me - some sort of father figure?

Jesus, you're not old enough to be a father figure.

Why?

Is that something that bothers you, our age difference?

No, I think you're very mature for your age.

It is possible to be a 30-year-old gay man,

and not be obsessed with Lady Gag Me.

That's a relief.

[clears throat]

But I, um...

I am seeing other people.

One other person, to be precise.

That's cool.

We'll play it by ear, just see what happens.

Oh, my God!

Where did you learn to do that?

Saw it in one of those sex manuals I read

when I first came out.

Never been with anybody flexible enough to do it with before.

Pilates...

It makes all the difference.

So, when did you come out?

- Officially? - Officially.

Eight years ago.

And unofficially?

I guess I always knew, I just didn't want to face it.

So what pushed you out after all those years?

Actually, it was Colton.

Really?

It's not like he knew and encouraged me,

nothing like that.

Then what?

It was watching him grow up 100 percent comfortable

with who he is.

I learned a lot from him.

Did he come out early?

He was one of those kids you always knew was gay.

All the stereotypes were there.

His mom says his afterbirth was filled with glitter.

[laughs]

That's definitely gay.

I really loved watching him grow up,

seeing him become his own man.

And it gave me the courage to do it myself.

And your wife?

She knew.

Or at least, she suspected.

We were best friends in college,

got married when she got pregnant,

did everything we were supposed to do.

And luckily we're still friends.

Did she remarry?

She did...

To a lovely philosophy professor named Naomi.

Seriously?

Seriously.

We're the all-American family for the new millennium.

Well, you did a great job raising Colton.

We have to tell him.

I know.

[doorbell rings]

- Morning. - Hey.

What, bad time?

No, uh...

- Hey, you're off today, right? - Right.

Could you do me a favor and call me if you see my father?

He didn't come home last night, he's not answering his phone.

I'm sure he's fine.

Probably... Definitely.

It's not like he hasn't stayed over

at some random guy's house before, right?

Right.

But if you see him, could you give me a call?

[cell phone rings]

I'll get that!

Dad?

Morning.

Doug!

What's going on?!

I think we found a way to tell him.

Dude! That is classic.

Not so much.

So the old guy was just standing there totally naked?

Naked, and still not old.

[SNAP!]

Um, that's how you'll feel after doing Pilates for a while.

Not old.

Yeah, but what about the naked part?

You'll look good naked too.

Yeah, that's it.

All righty then!

So who's bigger?

What?

If I have to hear about your bizarre love triangle,

at least share some of the disgusting details.

No!

One of them has a pencil dick, just like you, right?

I do not have a pencil dick!

Forget you heard that.

So how did you explain the sitch to young Colton?

Well, after he ran out,

and we caught up to him at the house...

I meant to tell you.

We were dating first.

First?!

What does that mean, you call dibs on him?

Don't be childish, Colton.

Fuck you!

Oh, wait, I guess you covered that.

Well, uh, yeah--

Oh, my God!

You fucked my dad?

For the record, I fucked him first.

- Jacob! - Dad!

Too much information?

For a lifetime!

Just because I'm your father

doesn't mean I can't have an active sex life.

Yeah, but not with my boyfriend!

Boyfriend?

Boyfriend?

Whatever.

You think of me as your boyfriend?

Yeah.

I guess. I thought I did.

And so what do you think of me as?

Boyfriend seems such a silly word for someone my age.

Yeah, tell me.

Fine.

I think of you... as my...boyfriend.

And now, also apparently, my son's boyfriend.

♪

Please tell me you didn't have a three-way.

No, we did not have a three-way!

I care about you both.

You're both great guys.

I am.

Yes, you are.

You're not so bad... sometimes.

I know.

So, can we find a way to work through this?

How? I don't want to stop seeing you.

Neither do I.

And I don't want to stop seeing both of you.

It's just...

If you weren't... you know, what you are.

If you weren't, would it be such a problem?

No.

But we are what we are.

Yeah, which means we have to be really careful

of each other's feelings.

Right?

- Right. - Of course.

So why don't we keep dating and see where things lead?

It's gonna lead you right to a bad daytime talk show;

that's where it's gonna lead you.

It's not that bad, Evvy.

It's some gay version of Oedipus, or something.

I think you need to read up on your classics.

Ah....whatever. It's odd.

It will lead to heartache.

Or triple suicide.

Or bad '80s ballads.

Well, I think you're right about the heartache part.

And the '80s ballads.

And you are a smart man.

How did you not see this coming?

Oh, right, because this happens so often.

What, I should have expected it?

You should always expect the worst.

Being a mother has taught me that.

Yeah, but your son is...

A holy terror, that's what he is.

You said it.

Hey, that's my kid you're talking about.

Well, but you just said--

No, no, no, I can say whatever I want.

You can not. Mother's prerogative.

Why are we friends again?

Because no one else will have you,

my anal-retentive sweetheart.

I am not anal-retentive.

I'm organized.

Compartmentalized.

Except in the bedroom.

Yeah, that's a little messy.

I was talking about your father-son special.

Hey, I have been really good up until now,

about keeping them from, like, running into each other.

Let me get you a medal.

Ooh! I'll give you one of Jaden's.

I swear they give kids medals these days just for showing up.

Well, isn't that supposed to be good for,

like, their self-esteem?

I don't know.

But have you ever tried keeping your child's collection

of useless, baseless medals on display?

Every single medal, ribbon and trophy has to be out.

It's like something from one of those...

those child abuse shows on beauty pageants.

I don't think that's a show about child abuse.

Potato, potato skins, whatever.

Of course you're anal-retentive.

You're gay. We're all anal.

And I'm exceptionally anal.

I don't think that means exactly what you think it does

in this context.

Since I don't know what context means,

let's move on, shall we?

I do like that she used that word, compartmentalized,

because that is so you.

- Is not. - Is so.

How?

Easy.

Your bestest gal pal, Evelyn,

the one who gives you such stellar advice?

Yeah?

Why haven't I ever met her?

You haven't?

You know I haven't.

I know.

We've known each other ever since you moved to town.

And you've known Evelyn since, when?

- College. - So, how...

Wait, you didn't fuck her, did you?

Woody, no!

So she wasn't some college fling

that you've tried to forget

just by swallowing as many dicks as you can?

Um, no. But, thanks for asking.

I always thought you two hooked up in college.

I'm gay, Derek, I always have been.

I know, but still.

Have you had sex with a dude just to see if you liked it?

- No. - Exactly.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Can I get back to my story now?

Please do.

Anyway, you've known me almost as long as you've known her.

We all live in the same town.

And yet, you never bring your different friends together.

Yes, I do.

I tried.

My birthday, when you were...sick.

Oh, right... You did.

You know, you tried, good point.

You failed miserably, as you so often do.

Not helping.

I'm trying to help.

You just like to have things in their place.

You have your employees at work,

who you order around,

which I know you secretly like to do.

- I do not. - Yes, you do.

And work gives you that.

And you have me, for when you want to go dancing

or get fashion advice on your pathetic wardrobe.

And you hang out with Evelyn

when you want to see how the breeders are living,

or get fashion advice on your pathetic wardrobe.

You gave me this tie, FYI.

Oh, honey... it was a joke.

Bow ties are cool.

Are they, though?

The only time I've ever approved of your wardrobe

was on that cruise,

when you coordinated your cock rings

with your swimsuits.

[chuckles] Well, who doesn't do that?

Oh, you'd be surprised.

Back to the subject at hand.

Everyone has friends that do different things for them.

You have several of us, and you're lucky to have us.

And we do have one thing in common.

Bitchiness.

You.

So, yeah, bitchiness actually covers it.

Thanks a lot.

I just-- I hope that your lovers

don't start getting all competitive.

Not gonna happen.

By the way, I made plans for dinner tonight.

Picnic in the park, and a walk around the lake.

- Mmmm. - Sound good?

Can't wait.

I made dinner reservations for tomorrow night.

The new Italian place downtown - supposed to be fabulous.

Mmmm, can't wait.

I got us tickets for that concert you were talking about.

I thought it was sold out.

I pulled some strings.

Mmmm...

Can't wait.

I got us two tickets to the philharmonic Saturday night.

Front orchestra. Beethoven's Ninth.

His ninth seat, in the front orchestra?

His ninth symphony, philistine.

[chuckles] Can't wait.

Don't forget we're playing tennis this afternoon.

Don't forget we have tickets to the tennis tournament

at Indian Wells this weekend.

I'm busy this weekend, but next weekend I'm free.

Super.

'Cause I booked us at that

amazing little resort in Palm Springs.

You know, the one in that movie we just watched?

That's awesome!

And unlike the movie, this one really is clothing optional.

Oh, I can't wait.

The weekend after next?

No, I don't have plans.

You do now.

I booked us a suite at my favorite hotel in Las Vegas.

Vegas? I'm not much of a gambler.

That's OK.

We don't ever have to leave the room.

Can't wait.

I'm exhausted.

Too much work, or too much sex?

Too much of everything.

Traveling, concerts, dinners out, dinners in, clubs, parties.

You name it, they have tried it.

And I'm supposed to go to Vegas this weekend with Jacob.

Question:

Did the last restaurant you go to

have crayons so you could draw on the menu?

No.

Then don't complain to me about being forced to go to Las Vegas.

OK?

Where's that delightfully well-mannered,

so polite son of yours?

Playdate at the park...

It took us three months to set it up.

The parents are very wealthy.

And why are you whispering?

Because that's what you do when you talk about wealthy people.

Are you afraid they're gonna hear you?

Yes.

Well, why don't you just tell them to back off?

Your child's playdate's wealthy parents?

No, your lovers.

I don't want to.

I just want...

I want...

What?

I want...

Jesús H. Christo! Use your grownup words.

If I knew what I wanted

I wouldn't be in this predicament.

Well, that's true.

And 25 points for the use of the word predicament.

But you know what they say.

No, what do they say?

You can't have a predicament,

without a big dick in the middle.

- They say that? - Yes, they do.

- Who says that? - Everyone.

T-shirts, bumper stickers, license plates.

You have been no help at all, thank you.

Want some wine?

It's in Mommy's special sippy cup.

That is not wine!

[giggles]

Vegas looked a lot bigger in the pictures.

I wanted to surprise you.

Surprise.

So no slot machines?

Vegas would have been fun,

but I thought this would be a little more intimate.

But I brought clothes to go out at night.

You can still go out at night - to get firewood.

You brought me up here to get you wood?

That's one way of putting it.

What's another way?

I wanted to keep you on your toes.

How about on my knees?

Even better.

So, you rented this place for the whole weekend.

I didn't rent it; I own it.

You own it?

Every square inch.

I can't believe you own a cabin in the mountains.

We bought it years ago.

Well, I love it.

- It's quaint. - Thank you.

It's very...old fashioned.

I think so.

It's very you.

You can shut up now.

That's the boys' bedroom.

Sorry...

I forgot we aren't going to mention Colton this weekend.

Listen, I shouldn't have said that.

You can talk about whatever you want.

He's your son.

Deal.

That is the small bedroom, twin beds.

Please tell me there's a bigger bedroom.

There's a bigger bedroom.

- With a bigger bed? - With a bigger bed.

Tell me where.

End of the hallway, past the bathroom.

Lead the way.

Just what I need - peace and qui...

Hmm.

Whoo, peace and quiet, and a shower.

[door closes]

You heard that, right?

I heard something.

Everything looks OK.

Go lock the front door, just in case.

Good idea.

Feel safer now?

Much.

- Hey, didn't you-- - Let's go to bed.

[chuckling in distance]

[wood clunks on floor... door closes]

Are there wild animals up here?

Besides me?

Besides you.

Oh, yeah, lots.

That must be it.

Must be.

Have you ever had any break-ins up here?

Couple of times.

One guy was here for a week before we caught him.

Well, that's not creepy at all.

I'm sure it's fine. Don't be so nervous.

I'm not nervous.

Do you think somebody's gonna walk in and catch us?

Maybe...

And maybe I'd like it.

Get your ass to bed.

Only my ass?

[shower running]

You said there were wild animals up here.

Right.

And they sometimes get inside the cabin.

Sometimes.

Have they ever taken a shower before?

Not to my knowledge.

On three.

One...

two...

three!

[yells]

- Colton! - Dad?

- Doug? - Seriously?

Seriously?

Seriously?

It's not my fault.

We were right in the middle of--

Ah!!! I don't want to know.

Who am I kidding. This is hilarious.

Of course, I want to know!

Fine. We were just about to--

Bro, stop. I don't want to know.

Fine!

It's what you and Karen did for your last anniversary.

Nice.

Anyway...

What are you doing here?

I could ask you the same thing!

You were supposed to be in Vegas!

Change of plans.

I thought I'd show Doug the cabin.

I wanted to come the cabin while you were out of town.

Where's your car, anyway?

I parked it around back.

And can we please put some clothes on!

Can I use this as a case study for my patients?

No!

You're not supposed to be here!

Yu were supposed to be spending the weekend with your friends!

They bailed on me!

Besides, you know I come to the cabin when I'm upset!

I didn't think you were that upset!

- Of course, I'm upset! - Why?

Because!

My father is fucking my boyfriend.

And my boyfriend's fucking my father.

Oh...that.

Look... Clearly this is all my fault.

No, it's not.

Of course, it is.

You can't blame him.

Why not?

Yeah, why not?

I mean, I am the one that started

seeing you both at the same time.

You couldn't put two and two together?

Was I supposed to ask

if your gay father lived in the neighborhood?

Because that doesn't come up in normal conversation.

Sorry.

Can't you understand what I see in each of you?

I can see it.

I guess I can... Even though he's old.

Watch it.

Your father is ten years older than I am.

I'm ten years older than you. How is that different?

Because...

Exactly.

Believe me, when you get to a certain age,

it really doesn't seem to be such a big deal.

Really?

Really.

I mean, naturally there are differences

between the two of you.

Like what?

Yes, like what?

Serious?

Fine.

You are impulsive... in a good way.

You go with the flow.

Like when someone mistakes me for a stripper?

Like that.

And you care enough about your father

to let him live with you after his house sold so quickly.

Above asking price, I might add.

And he needed a place to live until he could find a new house.

That was very nice of you. Thank you.

You're welcome.

And you are comfortable in your skin

in the way that only people

who have made the decision to come out late in life can be.

Later...later in life.

Not late, I'm not dead.

Later in life.

And you're kind and generous.

See, he wants your money.

He has money?

So not the point.

Sorry.

You're generous with your time and your heart.

And you love your son, unconditionally.

And I appreciate that more than you'll ever know.

See... You're both great guys.

Frankly, I don't see what you see in me.

- I don't either. - Clueless.

Shut up.

So.

So.

So.

I'm not ready to choose between you.

Not yet.

- But-- - But what?

I have made a decision about one thing.

Well, this isn't what I had planned.

Ain't that the truth.

And we can agree that this would be a little less awkward

if we didn't both sleep nude?

I think we can agree on that.

Doug is nice to wake up to in the morning.

Stop talking...

Now.

♪

[door closes]

Morning.

Morning.

Sleep well?

Not really.

Neither did we.

Sorry.

He snores.

I know.

And he shouldn't have had beans for dinner.

Ooh, that can get ugly.

We were talking.

And we made a decision.

Do you want me to sit down for this?

We thought...

We both thought this would work itself out.

Either you'd have stronger feelings for one of us...

Or one of us would have stronger feelings for you.

But...it seems we're at a stalemate.

I know, and...I'm sorry.

Unfortunately, that's not enough anymore.

Meaning what?

Meaning we both decided to stop seeing you.

Both of you?

Both of us.

It's not fair to us, and it's not fair to you.

It's not fair to spend time

with the only two men I've ever really loved?

Can you really love two men at the same time?

I know it doesn't make logical sense,

and I know it doesn't conform to society's norms, but...

yeah, I do... I love you both.

If we weren't in this fucked-up situation,

we might give you the time to figure it out.

But we are in this fucked-up situation,

as Colton so aptly put it.

And we just can't do it any more.

So that's it?

Both just gone from my life?

I guess so.

You couldn't make a decision, Doug.

We had to.

Sorry.

We're both sorry.

♪

There we go.

First hint of a smile I've seen in three weeks.

Sorry... I've had a lot on my mind.

I know.

You've shared it with me, over and over and over.

Have I been that bad?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

Careful...

That model child of yours will hear you.

That kid learned the word bitch on the playground last week,

and has proceeded to call me a bitch ever since.

So he's perceptive, too?

Yeah, I guess he is.

But enough about me.

How can I help you?

Get them back?

Oh, sweetie, If I thought it would help, I would try.

But you don't?

Do you?

I think so.

I don't know anymore.

You know, if Jaden turns out to be gay,

just make sure this never happens to him.

Oh, my God, I hope he turns out gay!

Then I would actually have something in common with him.

Unfortunately, that boy is just like his father.

Behaviors do run in the family.

You know what I think?

I think it's all genetic.

What?

Everything.

Yeah, I think it's all genetics, like DNA.

But it's just so random that there's no way to understand it.

Well, I think some scientists might disagree with you.

No, no, take you and your brother.

Fraternal twins.

You don't look anything alike.

Which I find odd, by the way.

I think your mother's hiding something.

Maybe we were switched at birth.

Ooh, fun.

But let's assume no, that did not happen.

You're twins, you're raised in the same house, in the same way,

but you're gay and he's straight.

What's up with that?

Well, actually, studies show--

I'm not finished,

and I don't care about your studies.

It's genetics, I tell you.

Take Jacob and Colton... father and son, both gay.

Both inexplicably attracted to you.

Why?

Genetics.... Genetics, like DNA.

Like, something deep down in their DNA

is attracted to something deep down in your DNA.

And vice versa, but because they're both gay,

you're not sure which one

you're supposed to be attracted to.

That makes absolutely no sense.

No, it does, it does.

It's genetics, it's like the pheromones wafting around.

Yes!

It's like you're sensing something from one of them,

but the other one is giving off a false scent.

And I'm supposed to figure out

which one is real, and which one is the placebo?

Yes!

Give me that wine.

That is the right answer, my dear.

Doug.

Dougie.

Douglas.

Doogie!

Look on the bright side.

There's a bright side?

Sure.

You didn't want to have to choose between them,

and now you don't have to.

My God, you should go into motivational speaking.

I know.

Is it working?

Not one little bit.

OK, what did Evelyn say about it?

She gave me a lecture about genetics.

Why?

I have no idea.

Wait, how'd you know I talked to her?

Because you always talk to her about important stuff first.

And I don't mind.

I mean, after all, she has made a relationship work.

And she even had a kid.

Well, you know I value your advice, too.

Please, like I have anything to contribute

to a conversation about relationships...

Until now.

Wait... What?

I kinda met someone.

When?

Well, it was right around that time

of that mountain cabin fiasco, so...

And you didn't tell me?

I couldn't very well tell you about something great

happening to me when you're going through...this.

Yes, you can, I want to know these things.

Lord knows you've heard my share of drama.

Can I hear an AMEN?

And despite that remark, I'm always here for you.

Good times, bad times.

Are you about to burst into song?

Maybe!

But first... Spill your guts.

I want the dish.

Oh, OK.

Well, he's just a little, teensy weeny, itsy bitsy, tiny bit...

older than me.

Older than your real age, or older than the age

you tell everybody you are?

Both.

And he wears the worst sweaters you've ever seen.

I mean, really, really bad.

And yet... he's really sweet.

Oh, my God...

You like sweet?

I do now.

Plus, he's hung like an elephant.

That's the Woody I know.

Oh, my gosh.

Congratulations.

Wait, how... where did you meet?

Get this...

My mom set us up.

How random is that?

Wow.

Life is random, trust me on that.

I'm so excited for you!

Look at you...

You're all glowing.

And I will be happy for you,

no matter what happens with Jacob and Colton.

So...

What do you think's gonna happen?

[sighs]

Honestly?

I don't think I'll ever see either one of them again.

Doug, you OK?

Fine.

Is my next client here?

No, but you do have a visitor.

- Hey. - Hi.

He was asking about you,

so I just wanted to make sure he found you.

There he is.

And thanks for the introduction. I'm Philip.

I'm Doug's number-one employee, and I'm in an open relationship.

Philip.

Just putting it out there.

Nice to meet you.

You must be Jacob, right?

No, I'm Colton.

Right, and I'm leaving.

I...

I wanted to see where you worked.

I hope you don't mind.

No...

Not at all.

It's very...clean.

I'll take that as a compliment.

It is.

Clean. Organized...

Just like you.

Thanks...

I think.

Yeah, that didn't come out so good, did it?

Why are you here?

Why do you think?

I miss you.

I miss you.

So, did you come here to make your case?

Sell me?

Sell you?

Tell me that this has all been one big mistake.

Well, would that be so wrong?

No.

I'd do the same thing if I was in your position.

What would you say?

You know, if you were in my position?

I'd say that you wanted to get to know me better,

and that you could see a future with me.

Well, that's all true.

Then why didn't you just say that?

I don't want to say anything bad about my father.

That's not how I was raised.

But as much as I hate this situation...

I still love you.

When my father came out, I wasn't that surprised, really.

But I was worried.

I didn't have to be.

Why not?

Because he's smart, he's grounded.

He's everything I want to be.

Which is why I know he'll be strong enough

to get through this if you choose me.

♪

[doorbell rings]

Jacob...

What are you doing here?

Hope you don't mind me stopping by.

No, not at all.

I brought wine.

Thanks.

Do you want to sit down?

No, I really can't stay.

But I have wine.

Which you may need after this.

After what?

After I tell you I think you should be with Colton.

Why?

What happened?

What happened is that I see how much this is hurting my son.

Don't get me wrong, Doug, I love you...

I really do.

And I love you.

But I love Colton in a way that you may never understand.

You make sacrifices for your kids to make them happy.

Yeah, like staying in a marriage that doesn't work?

Among other things.

You've sacrificed for Colton your entire life.

What do you want?

What I want, more than anything, is for my son to be happy.

And your happiness?

That comes second.

If you ever have kids, you'll see.

He's stronger than you realize.

Thanks to you, he could survive anything.

I know.

I've thought about this a lot,

and I'm content with my decision.

And at least I'll still have you in my life.

How did you know?

How did I know what?

How did you know that Karen was the one for you?

Are you serious?

More than I have ever been before.

I don't know...

You can't tell anyone this, OK?

Your secret is safe with me.

When Karen and I first started dating,

I was seeing other girls.

Just casual, nothing serious.

Yeah, I remember.

But when I made plans with Karen,

I just felt...

different, excited.

Not excited, that's not the word.

Um...

Then what?

I felt...content.

Like nothing could go wrong.

Like being with her was exactly where I was supposed to be.

I don't know if that makes sense.

Yeah, makes perfect sense.

I just want you to have what I found with Karen.

So just ask yourself - does one of those

men next door make you feel content?

Not just happy, but content?

Yeah...

One of them does.

♪

[doorbell rings]

I made my decision...

I choose you.

Did you pick up the wine?

Do I ever forget the wine?

No, but do I ever forget to remind you?

Never.

Is it on the table?

It's on the table.

- Evelyn likes red. - We have red.

We have white. We have champagne.

We have champagne?

We have champagne.

Excellent.

And everyone's here.

Well, almost everyone.

Has anyone ever told you you're anal-retentive?

Only 3,451 times.

- And you kept track of that? - I did.

Anal-retentive.

Detail-oriented.

Potato, vodka shots, whatever.

[door closes]

Fashionably late, as always.

Would you expect anything else?

Never.

Evening, boys.

Hey, Dad.

Is that for me?

You know it is.

I thought you gave me my present earlier.

Sshh, not in front of the kid.

Happy Birthday, Sweetie.

I love you.

I know.

There you are.

Evelyn sent me in to hurry it up.

She's dying for her cake and booze fix.

More the booze than the cake.

Just like the rest of us.

So glad you could come.

And miss his stepfather's birthday?

Not a chance.

Hey! What did I tell you?

Don't call me your stepfather; it makes me feel old.

You are old, remember?

You grab the cake.

You grab him.

And you grab me.

I can't believe all this worked out.

The party?

No. This...

Us...

Colton...

Everything.

This has to rank as one of my most unusual courtships.

More unusual than being married to a lesbian for 20 years?

Pretty close.

Still think you made the right decision?

I definitely made the right decision.

I can't believe you chose me.

Sometimes, you just got to go with your gut.

Deep down, I knew Colton wasn't right for me.

It just took my heart a little longer to realize it.

He's a good man.

And he seems to have bounced back quickly enough.

That's all thanks to you.

♪

Now, let's go celebrate with your friends.

[all chattering]

Wait, you never told me how your father and Doug met.

Um, that's a long story.

Hey, it's the birthday boy!

[applause]

Best... Birthday... Ever.

♪