Original subtitles

NARRATOR:Once upon a time, seven years ago, to be exact,

a young American named Carter Harrison came to England.

He had been appointed assistant British sales manager

of Inter-Allied Petroleum Products.

It was on his first day in London, on his very first stroll,

that he met Antonia Vincente.

It was a casual meeting. She was a painter.

She was profusely apologetic, but what was needed was turpentine.

And she knew precisely where to find some.

So she gave the brush to her bearded friend, Harry Jones,

and they started out for her studio flat.

Though she came from Italian parentage,

Toni was basically Bohemian, British Bohemian.

Her work was Impressionist, and so was she,

very impressionist.

No doubt about it, Toni was a creature of first impressions,

a woman of very definite tastes.

She knew what she liked when she saw what she liked.

And she knew what she wanted

when she saw what she wanted.

Fortunately, what she liked and wanted was exactly what he liked and wanted,

because 24 hours later they were married.

And so the days and weeks went by until their lovely hibernation was over,

and it was time to come out into the spring of life and face reality.

And one of the realities Carter had to face was

that Toni was not only a painter,

she was also a joiner with very definite beliefs,

all of which were the exact opposite of his.

It seemed a joke at first, but suddenly it stopped being funny.

They agreed on nothing, politics, polygamy, peanut butter,

Pushkin, You name it!

They fought their own Battle of Britain, a battle of words.

And when words failed, she resorted to pure Italian logic.

When logic failed, paint pots flew.

Since her aim was better than her English,

Carter did the only thing a gentleman could do.

He grabbed his pants and ran for his life.

Thus, as their marriage and crockery broke over his head, Carter left.

He left Toni, he left the love nest, he left London.

And for seven peaceful and productive years,

they didn't meet or speak or shriek or even write.

Carter had now become an important executive with Inter-Allied,

one of their top negotiators,

a job which took him to the far corners of the earth.

(SPEAKING IN ARABIC)

(SPEAKING IN ARABIC)

In other words, the sheik agrees that all oil deposits in this area

shall be developed solely by Inter-Allied Petroleum Products of America?

That is correct. Good.

Will you please convey to His Highness that these fried grapes are delicious?

Oh. They are not fried grapes.

They're not? No. They are...

Delicious.

So, his job done, Carter took the first plane to London,

where he had an urgent meeting with two very expensive lawyers,

because, after seven years of total and blissful separation,

Toni had finally requested a divorce.

In big business, success and divorce do not always mix.

So the company sent Dick Bramwell,

sharpest public relations man in the business, to London.

Bramwell had to move fast, because he knew that in exactly 25 minutes

Carter would be attending a meeting which could very well bring an abrupt end

to a very promising career.

What do you mean, no divorce? Whose brilliant idea is that?

Oh, just a brilliant chap by the name of J.L. Stevens.

The old man? That's right.

Fancies himself a king maker.

You're being measured for a crown. Why?

Oh, come on Carter. You've got to be joshing.

J.L.'s had his tongue hanging out for those leases for years,

and you've just handed them to him on a great big spotlighted platter.

Look at this, front pages right down the line.

Yeah, yeah. Look at 'em! It's promotion time, friend

and you're in for something large.

How large? I don't know but it's gonna take top brass approval.

Which shirt shall I wear? Oh come on. You're not even listening!

This is the biggest thing that's ever happened to you.

Don't you realize Big Daddy's gonna spring this at the annual board meeting

next week in Boston?

Yeah? Yeah.

That's why there's such a hurry for me to get over here and clean up your image.

What's wrong with my image?

You make it sound like I've been named leper of the year.

Well you know the mentality of that board.

They're hipped on the idea of a corporate image,

solid American gentry, family respectability.

For their top executives there are not ten commandments, only one.

Thou shalt be married, happily and respectably married.

Whether you like it or not. That's right.

I've done just fine these past seven years happily and respectably separated!

Yeah. And I've loved every minute of it.

Yeah, well that's all gonna change. From now on, you're gonna have a new look.

No more gay, married bachelor.

It's got to be Carter Harrison, family man.

You are out of your skull.

Carter, when that board meets in Boston,

you can be Yankee Doodle riding your town on a solid gold pony.

(YANKEE DOODLE PLAYING) Income in six figures, a private plane,

your own yacht, a house in Palm Beach.

It's yours. All you need to do is show up in Boston week after next

with one reasonably respectable wife. Forget it.

Forget what? What you just said.

Yankee Doodle, solid gold pony, the whole bit. Just plain forget it.

You don't know what kind of a nut I was married to.

No, no I don't. What kind of a nut was she?

She was a half-Italian fruitcake, that's what she was.

Oh, that doesn't sound too bad. What was the other half?

Gorgeous.

What did you go around marrying gorgeous fruitcakes for in the first place?

I don't know. It was a cold night. She had an electric blanket.

It was seven years ago. What took so long getting around to a divorce?

Well, there was no particular rush.

Look Carter, politics makes strange bedfellows.

Why not big business?

Make a deal. For one month, you stay married.

No chance. For one month?

No deal. Not with Toni. Let me tell you something.

She was a crackpot, a bohemian, a hothead.

You know the kind. She used to take a bath in her blue jeans

to make sure they'd be tight enough.

Hmph.

She wouldn't consider this sort of deal, and I wouldn't ask her.

Maybe she's changed.

Yeah, she's changed. From terrible to impossible.

Look, call J.L. Tell him if they want me the way I am, that's fine.

If not, forget it. He'll turn you down.

That's life. That's it, then?

That's it.

You know for a fellow who's only going to

discuss a divorce with a half-Italian fruitcake

in overtight blue jeans,

you're looking and smelling awfully pretty.

Evening's young.

Who knows? I might get lucky later.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Yeah.

Excuse me, is this...

Jim. Carter. Good to see you.

Sorry to rush you over like this,

but I don't know anything about British divorce laws.

I got news for you, neither do I.

Mr. Bagshott will see you now.

(SIGHS)

Buck up. It's no worse than a head-on collision.

(LAUGHS)

BAGSHOTT: Good evening, gentlemen. Please come in.

Mr. Slade.

Bagshott. How do you do?

This is my client, Mrs. Harrison.

How do you do? Of course, you two, um...

Yes, (CLEARS THROAT) naturally.

Mrs. Harrison, would you? Gentlemen?

Before we commence, perhaps I should acquaint you with certain

notable points of British divorce law.

While either party may request a divorce, they're not permitted personally

to arrange the terms or evidence.

BAGSHOTT: But my client has requested representation.

Even so, I must emphasize

that if it's intended to discuss a British divorce,

not only is this meeting not taking place, but I am not here.

With regard to jurisdiction, the fundamental rule,

with certain exceptions,

is that the English courts will only entertain a divorce petition

if the husband is domiciled here at the time the petition is filed.

(BAGSHOTT EXPLAIN ING INDISTINCTLY)

BAGSHOTT: Mrs. Harrison?

Mrs. Harrison?

BAGSHOTT: Carter, is that agreeable to you?

An American divorce, probably in Reno.

Oh, yes. Certainly.

SLADE: Carter?

Fine.

Mr. Slade, perhaps you and I might talk alone for a moment.

Fine.

Um, you'll hear from me later, my dear. In the meantime you'd best make arrangements

to leave for Reno immediately.

Good-bye. Good-bye.

(CAR HONKS)

Taxi! Taxi! Taxi!

Oh!

Get in.

Where to, guv?

Where do you live?

32 Chelsea Court Lane.

(ENGINE REVVING)

No, thank you.

You look fine, Toni. You sound surprised.

It's been a long time. Yes.

What are you doing with yourself these days?

The usual. Painting when I can.

Mostly doing fashions for the Daily Echo.

Actually, I've been very successful. Good.

Would you care for a drink somewhere?

Oh. Well, no. I really...

You know, legally, we probably shouldn't be together like this.

Oh, what could happen in a London taxi?

You should know.

Uh, who's the lucky guy?

Harry Jones. Harry? Our Harry Jones?

The bearded wonder? (LAUGHS) I don't believe it.

I should have married him years ago but for meeting you.

I know. But, seven years?

What's he been doing all this time? Checking your references?

He was abroad. Still a crime reporter?

No. Assistant editor now.

Actually, he's my boss.

That's handy.

Do you love him?

Yes, I do.

Good.

That's the way it should be.

With love.

Oh. Better keep him. I'll walk back.

Do me good.

(CAR ENGINE REVVING)

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Um, uh, I , uh...

Uh, (STUTTERS) what is it? A studio house?

Mmm-hmm. Uh, you see, it's actually a studio.

I mean, as well as a house.

Oh, that's probably why they call it a studio house.

Probably. Yeah.

Uh, Toni... Yes?

Um. I suppose an artist used to live here.

Yes. He was quite famous. He died.

Oh. I'm sorry to hear that.

He was 98. Oh. Well.

Well, I really must go. Yes, you should. It's cold.

Good-bye.

Good-bye.

Carter.

Yes?

Would you like a cup of coffee?

Please.

Uh, wait here.

I'll turn on the light.

Make yourself at...

Uh, home.

Would you like to take your...

Coat off?

Do you want a cigarette?

A light?

This is where I live.

It was once a stable.

It's where, uh, they kept

horses.

No more empty years. No, darling.

No divorce? No divorce.

We must have been out of our minds. What did we fight about?

Everything. Everything and nothing.

Never again, huh?

Never, darling.

What about him?

Oh! Harry. Yeah. Harry.

Well, I don't know.

It's terrible. I... I hate hurting him.

You couldn't really have been in love with him.

Not the way it is with us.

But Harry's sweet. Sweet! Ha!

He's nice to have around. He's big and strong and shaggy.

So is a sheep dog, but you wouldn't marry one.

But, darling, it's time I had children.

And Harry would make a wonderful father.

If we weren't such idiots, we'd have had children years ago.

We weren't ready.

We are now.

Aren't we? Real ready.

And he'll be beautiful. So will she.

It's going to be a big change for you, dear.

From now on it'll be "Carter Harrison, family man."

(YANKEE DOODLE PLAYING)

It's going to mean diapers and measles and nursery schools.

And nannies.

Does it scare you, darling?

No, no! It's perfect. (CHUCKLES)

Uh, look, dear. I'm due at the office in 20 minutes.

Be an angel and run my bath, will you please?

Certainly, Daddy.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(GROANS)

Yeah? Dick. This is Carter.

(WHISPERS) Listen. Everything is gonna be just fine.

Hey, wait. Where are you? What time is it?

It's 9:00, and I'm in heaven.

Hope you haven't reversed the charges.

You haven't called J.L. yet, have you? No, not yet.

Good. Now listen. I'm back with Toni.

Aw, you're beautiful!

The old man's gonna be delighted about this.

(INDISTINCT MURMUR)

(LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT MURMUR)

(EXCLAIMS)

Just a minute.

What are you doing?

Uh... When a fella's ordering three dozen roses for his best girl,

he wants to keep it a secret.

Your robe, milord.

Come here, you.

Oh, darling. Your bath. Huh.

Better send three dozen roses to the house.

Right. Right. Good. (INDISTINCT MURMUR)

I'll meet you in the office in an hour. Bye.

Come here, you!

Your tea, sir.

You're insatiable!

Mrs. Carmody, this is my husband.

How do you do, sir? Hello.

Sir, I'll be off to getting the breakfast. One egg or two?

He takes four, and the bacon crisp.

Very good, ma'am.

Oh! And, Mrs. Carmody, would you call Mavis Masters for me?

Tell her I can't report today, because it's a very special day,

and I don't want to take a chance of getting arrested.

Very good, ma'am.

(DOOR CLOSES)

She's a treasure.

You looked so funny! (LAUGHING)

Come here, you! You really are a great big bear.

I must say, she didn't seem very surprised.

Does she usually walk in and find strange men in your bed?

Every morning.

She validates their parking tickets. I see.

Well, anyway, I think I like your Mrs...

Did you say "arrested"?

Yes, you big, fuzzy bear. Arrested.

For what? Picketing.

Picketing what? The embassy.

What embassy? Your embassy.

The American embassy? Mmm-hmm.

You're picketing the American embassy? What for?

For ISFAE. ISFAE?

International Society for Freedom of Artistic Expression.

You know.

(SIGHS) No, I don't know.

Oh, it's growing like mad, darling. Embraces all the arts.

We are planning a massive protest against the banning of Petracini's statue.

Who? Petracini!

Petracini! Oh, certainly you've heard of Petracini!

No, but it sounds fattening.

Petracini happens to be the world's leading Expressionist sculptor.

He does wonderful things with a blowtorch.

To whom?

He's a great Italian artist!

And his work has been banned from America by petty, provincial minds.

Which petty, provincial minds?

The ones at your National Gallery in Washington.

If my National Gallery has banned your Mr. Petracini's statue,

he must have been pointing that blowtorch in some mighty peculiar directions!

Why was it banned? They say it's indecent.

That's good enough for me.

It's a simple statue of a woman and a horse.

Doing what? (SIGHS) What's the difference?

Whoever heard of putting fig leaves on horses?

Especially an Impressionist horse! You wouldn't know where it goes.

Let me get this straight.

You're picketing the American embassy in London

in order to keep fig leaves

off of lewd Italian horses in Washington, D.C.?

It's not the fig leaves. It's the principle!

Ah, yes. The principle!

Yes, the principle!

We artists should be able to paint, write, sculpt anything we like!

Freedom of expression! Freedom of expression. Yeah, yeah.

Tell me, dear.

Are we still involved with some of our trusty old friends

such as "Higher Pay for Women Policemen"?

We are. "Abolition of Cruel Blood Sports"?

Certainly. "Rest Home for Gypsies"?

Of course. "Fertility Control in Backward Nations"?

I'm the co-chairman! And take that look off your face. Ha.

What look? That smug, disapproving, superior look.

The same ghastly face. Now, Toni...

Don't you "Now, Toni" me! I know what you're thinking!

I haven't said a word.

You don't have to. You're wearing that face.

I'm sorry. It's the only face I have!

And I thought you'd changed!

But, no, you've got the same ostrich mentality you had seven years ago

when you were swanking around London with an open car and a closed mind!

And you're still the same half-baked birdbrain you were seven years ago!

Watch it! Joining every crackpot cause

that comes along. Wave the banners! Yell the slogans.

If you saw six people waiting in line for a bus, you'd join them

because you thought they were picketing something!

Oh! Get out!

Thanks. I was just leaving.

Don't let me stop you. Ah!

You know-nothing, see-nothing, do-nothing knucklehead!

You sneak back into my life like a wolf in snake's clothing!

Crawl back into my bedroom! Take advantage of my weakness!

Oh! I could kill you!

With what? A slogan? Oh! Get out!

Grazie.

Boor! Go away!

You upset me! Out of this room! Ugly boor!

Aw, you sound just like your father! Don't you insult my father!

I didn't insult him. I said you sounded like him!

That's an insult! Remember, you said that, not me.

You're not even fit to talk about my father!

Your father was a nut!

Don't you dare!

My father was an artist!

An Italian artist! An Italian patriot!

You may not realize it,

but there are other people in this world beside Italians!

But who needs them?

My father was a martyr to humanity.

Some martyr. He got drunk and fell off a wall.

While making a wonderful speech.

In fluent Italian to a bunch of Cockney garbage collectors!

About as good a group as you'll find for the rubbish you're interested in!

You are the most barbaric,

bothersome, boring, bourgeois, b...

Boor? Boor I ever met!

Morning. Keep your big nose out of this!

Ah, the same charm, the same sophisticated wit. Oh, butt out.

And getting sharper all the time. Get out of my house.

When I'm good and ready! Get out now!

If you want my advice old boy...

I'll thank you to keep your food-stained beard out of my affairs, and my eggs!

Which I might add were slightly overdone. Oh!

I hate to fight and run like this,

but I leave happy in the thought that fertility control in backward nations

is in such fertile and backward hands!

Oh! Get out!

May I borrow your umbrella?

Yes!

Thank you!

You know I had a growing conviction that his mother was one of those.

Save one for me.

Oh, Harry. I'm so ashamed.

Oh, now, no confessions, please!

It was all arranged, I was leaving for Reno.

Then he brought me home and...

Oh, Harry. He stayed all night. I know.

You don't mind?

Of course I mind! I don't pretend to like it!

But if it's finally got him out of your system...

Oh, it has. It has.

But what do I do now?

Blow your nose, pack your bags and leave for Reno today.

Today? Today!

All right.

Here.

WOMAN: Oh my, she's done it again.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

No, no. I don't anticipate any problems.

Yes... You can forget what I told you!

What? It's all off!

She's the same half-brained lunatic she was seven years ago.

Just a moment, please. What did you say?

I said it's all off! She's still a fruitcake.

I wouldn't live with her if they made me the next president of the company!

Would you care to tell that to the current president of...

I certainly would!

Please do. Hello! Who's this?

Oh. Hello, J.L.

Yes, thank you, sir.

Yes, quite rested. Thank you.

Yes, Bramwell did mention something.

He didn't say which position you had in mind.

What's that?

President of the International Branch? Me?

Oh, well

I'm honored.

Well, I only hope I can, sir.

Thank you, J.L., thank you very much.

Good-bye. Well! That's telling him.

President of the International Branch.

I like the way you turned it down.

Tenth biggest corporation in America. What about your wife?

200,000 bucks a year. Your wife.

A 1000 a month expenses, private plane... Your wife.

My what? Your wife.

That fruitcake you wouldn't live with if they offered you the presidency.

Oh, yeah. Her. Yeah, her.

Don't worry about it.

Think I'm gonna let that kook stand in my way?

Dick, how much family image do I really need?

Plenty. When J.L. springs this on the board in Boston

you better show up with Mrs. Respectability herself.

I may have to dope her. Good!

How much time before Boston? Ten days.

What! Yeah, can you do it?

Stand by for communiques.

Oh, soldier. You better put your pants on before the general changes his mind.

Not that you don't have pretty legs but... Yeah, yeah.

You know, the corporate image?

How much is that? Four and nine.

Four and nine what? Four and nine. Four bob and nine pence.

Now don't worry about a thing, darling.

I'll get someone else to cover the Jean Louis show.

I'll call you in New York. Good-bye, darling.

Put those in a cab, would you? Yes, sir.

Four bob. Excuse me, sir. Comin' through, please.

Not them. The little ones there. Oh. Oh.

Alright, well, give me one of those paper ones. Do I have any change coming?

Oh, you've been here before, haven't you? Once or twice.

Bon voyage. And don't lose your nerve.

Those are tanners, those are bobs. I'd like you to have a bob.

Oh, so sorry. Not at all. Toni!

Oh, drive on! Wait!

Listen I'm sorry for all those things I said this morning. Really I am.

I could bite my tongue off. Do that!

Toni, I... Drive on!

Please, I... I love you!

Follow that cab!

Taxi! Air terminal. Fast.

They're gettin' away from us, governor. I don't think I can catch 'em.

There must be some way I can reach her.

What about your radio? Could I talk to her directly?

No, that all goes through central control, mate.

Could I send her a message then?

No, it's too dodgy, guv.

Besides, it's not allowed except in a matter of life and death.

I mean, this is a taxi service you know, not a bleedin' public telephone.

And they're very strict. That's why the regulations say that

that can only be used in a matter of life and death.

Hey, Charley. I got a matter of life and death.

Gent has an urgent message for lady in R-B-4.

Okay, R-B-5. Control to R-B-4.

Stand by for important message for your passenger.

Roger, Control. There's an important message coming through for you, miss.

For me?

Tell her that every word I told her last night was true.

That I am a completely changed man. Hold on.

Gent says he's a completely changed man.

There's a gent sayin' he's completely changed.

It's a gent sayin' he's undergone some kind of change, madam.

Ha!

And I wasn't lying this morning about having a child.

Now that I find I can have a child, I intend to have a child.

And I don't want to hear that Harry Jones would make a good father!

All right. Hold it. Hold it.

Hey, Charley. I got a right one here. Claims he can have a baby.

Ay, ay! I've read about them in the Sunday papers.

Yeah, but you don't know the half of it!

Seems there's a bloke called Harry Jones who wants to be the father.

Well the best of luck to old Harry, then. He'll need it.

Control to R-B-4.

The gent claims he's gonna have a baby, and Harry Jones is the father.

Tell him to drop dead. Sounds like he might, poor fellow.

R-B-4 to Control. Lady says she's not interested.

She may not be, but I'm fascinated.

Control to R-B-5.

Right. Lady's not interested, guv.

Tell her she must try to understand my behavior.

I've been under a terrible nervous strain.

First that tricky operation in the Middle East...

Hold it. Hold it.

Get this. Seems our gent's had a nasty operation in the Middle East.

What? The Middle East!

That explains it then, don't it?

All those fantastic hours in that Arab tent.

Hold it.

Seems as though he spent some fantastic hours in an Arab tent.

Who you got there? Lawrence of Arabia?

Then flying straight to her arms last night.

And then this morning, that thing with the three of us.

Hold it. Hold it!

I don't think this bloke spent much time watchin' the changing of the guard.

After those fantastic experiences in the Arab tent,

he flew back to take up with her last night,

and then this morning, some other bird comes into the picture.

Energetic little bleeder, ain't he?

Granted, we don't agree on everything.

But if all nations can practice coexistence, so can we.

Let's face it I'm not in love with the premier of the Soviet Union,

but I do want to live with him.

Hold it. Now you're not in love with him, but you do want to live with him.

Right. Right. Charley.

If I told you who he's after now, you'd never believe it.

Excuse me, madam. Now it seems the gentleman wants to set up house

with the Russian prime minister.

They'll make a perfect couple.

Here. Oh, thanks, guv!

Get out! What's goin' on here?

Shut up and drive! I'm her husband. Get out.

Stand by, boys. Hubby's turned up! His? Or hers?

I was wrong this morning. I behaved unforgivably.

Oh, what does it matter?

I've come to my senses you can do what you want,

join what you want. Live and let live.

All I know is I love you, and I have to be with you.

It's no good, Carter. It won't work. It can. It must!

Let me stay with you on any terms you say.

If it doesn't work, I'll bow out and you'll never see me again.

All I ask is for a fair trial.

We both have to learn that

there's more to a relationship than just the physical.

We can't keep muddying up the issue with chemistry.

We must try to forget our primeval...

Animal appetites.

Follow that cab and don't lose it!

Shall I help you with the bags? I'll be fine.

Just hurry back.

(SINGING) ♪ Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony ♪

Dick? Carter.

First communique. Unconditional surrender.

Ah. You're still beautiful. Worked again, huh?

Boston in ten days? Well, after tonight, no problem.

I'd like to ask you what it is you've got,

but I don't want you to waste your strength talking.

Good-bye. Good-bye.

Send a wire to J.L. Stevens. "Harrison reunited with wife.

"Confirms she is perfectly in line with corporate image

"of solid respectability."

Did you ever get that feeling you've been to a place before?

I have this cleared for you.

I hope it will be enough. Plenty. What about you?

I moved everything to my room. Oh. Fine.

Your room? Yes.

I... I'm sleeping in the little guest room.

Why? Carter, dear,

I've been thinking.

Everything you said in the cab is true.

We... We must find out if we can live together.

And we can't keep muddying up the issue with chemistry

and, uh, our primeval animal appetites.

Uh. Oh, I know it will be difficult for us both, but

it's only for a month or two.

A month or two?

Oh, it really is a good idea, you know.

Yeah. Marvelous. Whose is it? I mean...

Of course, it's a fine idea. I was gonna suggest it myself.

Now, why don't you take this champagne and put it on ice,

and then later we'll have a nice, quiet cozy little supper?

Oh, darling, I am sorry. I... I'm afraid I have to go out.

Our first night? You know what you said.

"Live and let live."

Unfortunately, there's been an emergency meeting called about the statue.

Signor Petracini's coming, and I've got to interpret.

I won't be late. Under the circumstances, take your time.

Sorry to rush you together like this,

but we've just received information that Friday at 3:00,

there's to be an important conference at the Institute of Arts,

Professions and Sciences,

the purpose of which is to discuss improving the American image abroad.

Top American figures, and I mean top,

from every walk of international life will be attending.

Top American figures from every walk of life will be attending.

Eh. Eh.

Now what better time could we choose to present our letter of protest

against the banning of Signor Petracini's statue?

It is the right time to send a letter of protest against the banning of your statue.

Listen!

How dare they ban my statue, judging it immoral?

How dare the Americans ban his statue on grounds of moral turpitude!

(CROWD MURMURING)

As a man, I am not interested in physical beauty,

but only in the beauty of the spirit.

As a man, he's not interested in the pleasures of the flesh,

but only the beauty of the spirit.

My works of art come from the soul, not from the flesh.

TONI : And he is right!

We artists should be able to paint, write, sculpt anything we like!

BOTH : Freedom of expression! Yes, I'm sorry to interrupt.

But I've just been told there is a thick fog

and that buses and trains are unlikely to be running much longer.

So I suggest we adjourn the meeting until tomorrow.

There's fog, we have to finish here.

If it's really a pea souper and anyone can't get home,

they are welcome to come and spend the night with me.

- What? - If you can not

get home because of the fog, you can spend the night with me.

Me? With you? Yes. Yes.

Oh, my lady.

Come on. Come in.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Shh!

Oh, baby.

Do you mind?

What are you doin' here? There's a thick fog.

I had to spend the night somewhere.

There are ten million people in London. Why choose me?

I didn't. Toni did. She assured me you'd welcome me with open arms.

Yeah. Didn't realize she meant it literally.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

Look if you find it intolerable, dear boy, try downstairs!

Why should I freeze? I'm not complaining.

Well, I'm not... So here we are, then.

Do you snore? I hope so!

Oh! You better take an aspirin.

I don't have an aspirin.

They're at the back of the third drawer down.

I nursed her through a bad cold. Mmm.

Very bad cold.

Sweetheart.

It's me.

He snores.

Let me stay here. I promise to be good.

(SCREAMING)

I'm terribly sorry! Out!

Oh!

Psst.Signor.

Where is the lady? Hmm?

Uh, where is sleeping Signora Harrison?

Signora Harrison? Si, Signora Harrison.

Ah!Signora Harrison.

Right there. Ah.

(SLAPS)

(THUDS)

(WOMAN SCREAMING) My mistake! But what's the problem?

WOMAN : Ooh! Sorry.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Yes? Carter?

Yes? Dick.

Just checking progress. Can you talk?

Mmm-mmm. Where are you? In bed?

Mmm-hmm. Alone?

Mmm-mmm.

Uh, with your wife? Mmm-mmm.

Not with your wife? Mmm-mmm.

Does your wife know? Mmm-hmm.

And she doesn't mind? Mmm-mmm.

You realize, of course, we can't have this sort of thing in Boston.

Mmm-hmm.

You call me when you can.

My lawyer. Mmm-hmm.

Where to now, Carter?

Where to what?

I'm sure your recent, splendid exploits

in the field of oil will not go unrewarded.

Your masters must have some smashing job in store for you.

Nothing special, I imagine.

Don't you feel just a wee bit concerned about Toni?

Why? Oh, Toni, the marcher. Toni, the fanatic.

Toni who paints rude slogans on walls!

My dear boy, we live in a free world.

Toni can do what she wants, she can think what she wants.

Picket! Wave banners! Chain herself to railings!

Her life is her own.

She can ride naked through the streets of London as Lady Godiva,

and it wouldn't bother me.

Well, Carter, you certainly have changed.

But you haven't! Look, why don't we cut out all this subterfuge? I know your angle.

I wish I knew yours.

What you're doing with this new found phony liberalism!

There's nothing phony about it... Oh, no?

No. Care to put it to a test?

Such as?

If you were to attend our committee meeting today,

I very much doubt that you could sit there and listen to the things

being said about America without blowing your top!

Would you like to put your money where I imagine your mouth is?

You'll come? I'd be delighted.

Good ol' sport!

(THUDS)

Uh... You'll...

You'll find some... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Ciao! That's my husband.

Oh!

I suggest you take a cold bath.

Terribly sorry. I...

(GIGGLES)

Hello! Haven't seen you before, have we?

No, I just joined. American, aren't we?

Yes. Good show!

(BANGING ON TABLE)

Ladies and gentlemen.

Last night we were discussing our protest against the shabby treatment

meted out to Petracini's Woman on a Horse.

This morning, a dear and imaginative friend of mine,

an extremely broad-minded American, gave me a very provocative idea.

Nine hundred years ago, another woman and another horse

made history in a dramatic protest.

Her name was Lady Godiva, and she rode naked through the streets of Coventry.

Now, my friend proposes that Lady Godiva should ride again, through Soho Square

and up the steps of the American Institute

to deliver our letter of protest against this outrageous attack

on the freedom of artistic expression.

Bravo!

Absolutely wizard, what?

Swell.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'm sure we shall not lack for a volunteer.

For example, our old friend Mavis Masters here,

a well-known artist who combines good judgment with sturdy attractiveness.

Well, actually I haven't ridden in years.

Oh, what a pity. But I'm sure there are others

who will not shirk this opportunity to further our cause.

Toni! She'd be fab!

(ALL APPLAUDING)

Bravo! Bravo!

Cheers!

So, if Toni would consent to ride? Nude?

You wouldn't really be starkers, darling.

Just flesh-colored costume with masses of tresses

glued all over the important places.

TONI : Sounds painful. MAN: Do it, Toni. Please.

Well, if it's the wish of the committee, very well.

(ALL APPLAUDING)

He just got into a radio cab. R-H-7-1-4.

Now find out where it's going and call me back immediately.

Carter, come in, come in. Have I got news for you!

You've got news for me? I've got news for you.

Wait till you hear who's coming to London!

What do you think she's up to now?

Number one himself, J.L. in person! She's going to ride a horse...

He's making the opening speech in the conference this weekend.

In the flesh, nude. Stark, staring nude. And where do you think he's gonna make that speech?

BOTH : 3:00 Friday at the American Institute.

What'd you say?

I said 3:00 Friday at the American Institute.

No, that's what I said. I said J.L. was arriving...

What? Yes.

He's going to make the opening speech 3:00 Friday at the American Institute. See.

Oh! That's not all he'll be doing.

He just might be taking a little peekie-weekie at my wife.

I hope he will! Riding a horse? Bare?

(GULPS)

Bareback? Bare everything.

You're kidding?

That's how you ride if you're Lady Godiva and delivering a letter of protest.

And you know when and where you deliver it?

BOTH : 3:00 Friday at the American Institute.

Boy! You really did marry a nut!

A nut? I married a whole plantation.

Yeah, we gotta get her out of town. Oh? That's all?

How 'bout a vacation? She'd never leave.

Not with this Godiva thing. She'd suspect something immediately.

And that's precisely what that bearded vulture's waiting for!

She wears a beard? No! She doesn't wear a beard!

I have other enemies in this thing.

She wouldn't leave, not without something very strong.

Got a cigarette? Over there.

Something irresistible. Something bigger even than...

See this, Dick? Yeah.

Don't we have oil installation in Gadonga?

We did. They set fire to them last Thursday. Why?

Suppose I were sent to Gadonga.

Look. If you want to commit suicide, use my razor.

It's electric, but you can hang yourself on the cord.

I'm serious! Why do you want to go to Gadonga?

I don't! But suppose Toni thought I was going to an almost certain death?

I don't get it. You will.

Gadonga? Yeah.

Gadonga.

With a brief stopover in sunny Nassau.

You'll like this.

Special recipe of Sheik Moulay Yusef Allh.

I just can't get over you, cooking and, well, being domestic.

I feel I'm just beginning to know you.

I feel I'm just beginning to know me too.

Just beginning to know what I really want out of life.

It's all right here in this room.

Tranquility, peace...

And you.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Isn't that the telephone?

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello. What?

Yes, yes. He is. Hold on a minute.

It's long distance from America. Mr. J.L. Stevens.

Isn't he the... J.L.?

That must be some kind of a joke.

He never calls anyone personally.

Hello. Who is this?

Oh, yes, J.L. Yes.

Well, now, Mr. Harrison. I have important news for you.

It's rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb.

You want me to go where? When?

Well I realize that, sir, but I'm long overdue for a vacation.

I feel as though I'm entitled to decline.

Rub-a-dubba, rub-a-dubba, rub-bub-bub.

Washington!

In whose office?

Rub-a-dub, rub-a-dubba, hub-dub-dub.

The Secretary of State!

He wants to talk to me?

Yes, sir.

I'll hold on.

Yes. Hello, Mr. Secretary.

Rub-a-dubba, rub-a-dubba, rub-a-dubba.

The president feels... Me, sir?

Well, of course, I can't say no.

Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, ru-- Oh, what a rhubarb!

Naturally, I-I accept.

Yes, sir. Thank you. And thank you for your confidence.

Good-bye.

What is it, Carter?

It's nothing.

Just forget about it.

What has the Secretary of State to do with you?

And the President? I don't understand.

It's best you don't.

Where are they sending you, Carter? What does it matter?

The dreadful thing is I must leave you

just when we've found each other again.

It's Gadonga, isn't it?

Why do you say that?

I'm not a complete fool! They're sending you on some dangerous mission.

This is strictly classified information! No one must know.

Damn it! When will this world grow up?

Oh, I'm sorry. I... I won't let go again.

When, Carter? When do you go?

Let's get one thing straight.

While I'm still here, we never heard of Gadonga.

We don't mention it. It doesn't exist.

All right?

Right.

Dinner's ready.

That's not bad.

You haven't touched a thing.

Carter, when are you going?

Now, we promised not to spoil our last night together.

Tomorrow!

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't intend to tell you.

The two men before you were slaughtered in cold blood.

I know. Poor devils.

But don't worry, third time's a charm.

And besides, I'll be safe and sound in a nice, big, new, air-conditioned hotel.

The Gadonga Hilton.

(DOORBELL BUZZES)

Isn't that the doorbell?

Mrs. Harrison? Yes.

Murchison. Security Division. U.S. Embassy.

Come in. Oh, thank you.

I... I have two pieces of equipment here for your husband.

Oh, right over here. Oh, thank you.

Oh, your husband's bulletproof vest. Bulletproof?

CARTER: I'll take that.

Oh, Mr. Harrison. Murchison. Security. U.S. Embassy.

Your bulletproof vest. Is this quite necessary to discuss?

The vest? Oh, very. Very.

For example, it's not only bulletproof, it's also

completely operational against poison darts.

So long as they're not blown under a range of 20 feet.

Oh, Carter! Anything else, Mr. Murchison?

Oh, my word, yes. Survival kit. Keep that very handy.

Thank you. Is that all, Mr. Murchison?

I shouldn't be impatient, Mr. Harrison.

After all if your two unfortunate predecessors

had paid more attention to their equipment...

Very well. What else? Automatic pistol. Moeggler-Cartwright.

Kill a man at 20 paces! Snake at ten.

A snake? Yes.

Oh, and speaking of shots. You'll receive your inoculations en route.

Malaria, diphtheria, blackwater fever, leprosy and plague.

Oh, and, uh, finally, your L.R.P.

What? A last resort pill.

Last resort pill? Yes, they're marvelous.

Absolutely reliable. Quicker than cyanide and only a teensy bit more painful.

Do I take it with water?

Oh, no! Never touch the water out there. Deadly, deadly.

Well, uh, I guess that's about all, Mr. Harrison,

Except to say it's been an honor meeting a man like you,

and I do hope and pray we meet again. I really do.

It's been an honor meeting you too, ma'am.

Pleasure. Yes.

I'm happy to tell you that the weather's fine and balmy in Nassau.

Nassau? Yes, thank you, Mister...

Murchison. Security Division, U.S. Embassy. Yes.

I'll see Mr. Murchison to the door, dear.

Oh, here!

Nice work, Sir Laurence.

Oh, I really had it tonight, didn't I? Just a teensy bit overboard.

You got the plane tickets? Right here.

First class. 11:00 tomorrow for Nassau.

Sure she'll go with you?

I'm sorry, dear. I would have given anything to have spared you that.

What was that about Nassau?

Oh, nothing. Now, darling.

All right. I may as well tell you.

There's to be a week-long briefing session in Nassau starting tomorrow.

Secretary of State thought that under the circumstances

we might want to spend these last...

I mean, these days together, but...

Well, I nearly begged you to come along, but then I thought,

wouldn't it be better to make the break now, cleanly?

Call it selfish if you like, but

isn't it wiser to keep ourselves at arm's length?

I mean,

if we got any closer, it would be unbearable.

Wouldn't it?

Oh, you're a wonderful person, Carter.

All right. Have it your way.

(WHISTLING YANKEE DOODLE)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Mr. Bramwell? Yes.

Good evening. May I come in? Thank you very much indeed.

Bramwell I'm going to be utterly frank with you.

Should you pick up the phone and call Brigadier Fanshaw

at MI-5 to check up on me,

he will unhesitatingly deny that he or anyone else in Military Intelligence

has ever heard of me. Oh?

Sit down.

Uh, would you... Not on duty, thank you.

Now, officially, this visit has never taken place. Clear?

Yes. Are you sure it's me you want? I'm not in the government.

And I'm not here, so we start level, right?

Yes.

Thank you, no.

Carter Harrison. Oh, come now.

British Intelligence isn't quite asleep, you know.

What's an important American business executive doing mixing

with our lunatic fringe?

The Anti-American Brigade, hmm?

Is he? I wouldn't, I don't know.

Oh, I think you do, Mr. Bramwell and I could hazard a guess myself.

You could? Yes.

Since Harrison obviously has nothing in common with these people,

I might draw the conclusion that the C.I.A. has slipped him in.

As some sort of a spy. Oh, no, no, I assure you sir,

Carter Harrison's not a spy. What's he up to, then?

I have no idea. I'm not his... I mean after all, it is a free country!

Isn't it?

You know more than you're saying, Bramwell.

Even if I did, I don't talk to every Tom, Dick and Harry who barges into my room,

waving a dirty little card I can't even read.

Very well if that's your attitude, I think this is a matter for MI-12.

Fine! No, wait.

I assure you. There's no question of security involved.

And if it will put your mind at rest,

Carter and his wife are leaving tomorrow morning for a vacation at Nassau.

Tomorrow? Nassau? With his wife? Yes.

But isn't his wife riding as Lady Godiva?

Oh, no, no, no! That's all off. Really? Are you sure?

Oh, positive. Oh?

Would you? No. Never on duty. Thank you so much, no.

I see. Well, thank you and good night, Bramwell.

Thank you, uh, Mister...

I don't believe I caught your name.

Yes, that's quite possible. Good night.

Good night.

No, no! Please! Please don't!

Help! No, please don't.

No!

Have mercy, please!

Please don't do that! Oh!

Oh, no! Oh, no. Please don't.

Darling! Help! No!

What is it? Carter!

Oh!

Oh, Toni.

It must have been a nightmare.

There were people chasing me.

With spears.

Blowpipes.

I was alone. Oh.

In the swamp. Crocodiles.

Tsetse flies.

It's all right.

But I was alone!

Yes, darling, I know. Lie back.

Poor baby. You're not alone anymore.

But I will be!

No, darling. Never again.

I know Gadonga isn't possible,

but anywhere else you go, anytime,

I'll go with you.

Anywhere? Anywhere.

Even... Nassau?

Even Nassau.

But...

What about Godiva?

They'll have to find a substitute.

Oh, thank you

for just being you.

Well, uh,

I suppose...

Yes.

Better go back to your room.

I guess.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Oh, Harry. I was just trying to call you.

Is the master at home? Still asleep.

He had a disturbed night.

Well, before we disturb him again, as disturb him we must,

I have sad tidings.

It seems Mr. Godiva has persuaded Lady Godiva not to ride this afternoon.

How did you know? I have my sources.

I happen to know precisely where he's going.

You know! Yes.

Though I don't know exactly why.

I can't imagine how you found out about the Gadonga mission.

But, Harry, it's absolutely confidential.

Gadonga? Oh, yes. And it isn't even about oil.

It's the State Department and the U.N.

He's going as a special negotiator to... Gadonga!

Oh, my poor Toni. He's going to Nassau.

Yes, I know. You know?

He has to go there first for a few days' briefing.

Ah, and he begged you to come along.

On the contrary, he begged me not to.

But you, of course, insisted, and, graciously, he gave in.

No, Harry. And I resent your insinuations!

TONI : This has nothing to do with Lady Godiva.

HARRY: But it does most conveniently cancel your ride does it not?

TONI : You can get someone else.

HARRY: I thought you had more sense than to fall for a thing like this!

I warn you, Harry... I warn you that you require my sanction

to take time off from the paper.

And if I went without it? I'd fire you!

Then fire away! Because I am going with Carter.

And nothing in this world is going to stop me!

(WHISTLING YANKEE DOODLE)

Lovely day, sir. Yes.

I phoned through to the house, and Mr. and Mrs. Harrison have left for the airport.

Good. Oh, and the airline just telephoned.

J.L.'s plane is due in an hour ahead of time.

Good. It ought to be landing in 45 minutes.

Perfect. I'll run out and meet him.

Have the car... 45 minutes? Yes, sir.

They'll both be at the airport at the same time! They'll meet!

Who will? Never mind. Call the car. Get my coat.

What coat, sir? Any coat!

You haven't got a coat, sir. Well forget the coat and get the car.

You haven't got a car either sir.

Well do something! Call somebody.

Are you sure I don't have a coat? No, sir.

Then forget the coat. I'll call a cab!

Good morning. Hi. Oh, hi.

Oh, not now. Gotta call a cab. Sorry.

Why is Carter Harrison going to Gadonga?

Gadonga? Yes. Why is Harrison going to Gadonga?

Well, I... Oh, you don't deny it then?

Yes, I do! It's a lie. Is it?

Yes. Good! I'm delighted to hear that.

You see, British and American views on Gadonga haven't always coincided.

My chief was worried the C.I.A. might be using him as some undercover agent.

C.I.A.? No, no. Mmm-hmm.

I'm terribly sorry. I've got a plane to meet, but there is no truth in it.

Splendid. I know our Prime Minister's calling your President tonight.

Fine. And when he brings the Gadonga matter up...

No, he can't!

He mustn't-- I can't stop him from phoning,

but he mustn't bring up that matter. If there's no truth in the story, what harm...

I swear, I swear he's not going anywhere near Gadonga.

I'll need proof of that.

I don't know how you folks found this out, but it's all kind of a joke.

You see Carter Harrison is in line for a top job with this corporation

if he can clean up his family image.

That's all there is to it.

His fa... Yes, of course. Now I understand.

Fascinating old boy. You tell me more!

FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Announcing the arrival of Pan American Airways'

Clipper flight one from New York at gate one.

Announcing the arrival of Pan American Airways Clipper

from New York at gate one.

Lufthansa Airlines, flight 564 for Nassau,

will be boarding in 10 minutes at gate three.

Lufthansa Airlines, flight 564 for Nassau,

will be boarding in ten minutes at gate three.

Carter! Hmm?

Oh, Carter!

Darling. Oh, now, now, now. Don't cry.

Everything's gonna be all right.

And I promise you, you have nothing at all to worry about.

Okay?

(SOBBING)

Absolutely nothing-

I'm sure I speak for... There he is! Carter!

Over here!

It's... It's J.L.

J.L. Stevens? Yeah.

What's he doing here? I don't know.

I'm sure I speak for all my friends here,

who represent every aspect of American industry,

when I say, we consider each American businessman abroad

to be an individual ambassador of goodwill.

He probably has some special instructions from the Secretary of State.

I'll see him alone for a moment.

You better stay here and fix your face before you come over, huh?

Thank you. Excuse us, gentlemen. We'll see you in the car.

Well, well, well, Carter. How are you, J.L.? Nice to see you.

Surprised seeing you. Rather expected Bramwell. You know Ethel.

Yes, Mrs. Stevens. Hello, Carter.

Is that the young lady we're so hoping to meet?

Yes, um...

Unfortunately, we're just leaving, uh, the country.

Uh, it's... It's my wife's father. He's... He's desperately ill.

Oh, I'm sorry. Yes, they only give him a week.

And, uh, well... Well, it's... It's a sort of a...

Well, he has a kind of a condition.

And it's sort of a double... Well, it might even be a triple...

Oh, dear. Yes.

ANNOUNCER: B.E.A. flight 30 for Paris now boarding at gate five.

B.E.A. flight 30 to Paris...

Oh, there he is! Bramwell!

Hello. Hello, J.L. How are you?

Mrs. Stevens. Richard.

Nice to see you both.

Carter, I see you're here. Yes.

And, uh, everyone else.

Uh, Toni will be here in a minute.

I was just telling J.L. about poor Father.

Poor Father? Yes.

Oh, poor Father. Shocking, isn't it?

Oh, shocking. So, J.L. understands

why Toni and I have to leave London now.

To, uh, bury poor Father. We hope not.

Latest bulletin has him hanging on by a thread.

Oh, good, good. I hadn't heard.

Remarkable constitution the man has.

That's where Carter gets it from.

It's not his father, you idiot. It's hers!

I know, but they were very close.

Oh, Toni. Uh, I'd like you to meet the Stevenses.

How do you do? How do you do?

How do you do?

Oh, hello, Mr. Murchi...

Hello. How are you? Nice seeing you again.

I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've been behaving rather foolishly, and...

We quite understand. No one has a better right,

but I'm sure he'll pull through.

You must be brave, my dear.

He's the brave one.

I think they called our plane, dear.

It'll all turn out for the best. You think so?

With blackwater fever, poison darts and plague!

Oh, dear! He has had a time of it. Hasn't he?

Has had? Um, now, dear,

we promised we weren't gonna mention it again, didn't we?

Now we really must go... ANNOUNCER: Will Mrs. Carter Harrison

go to the nearest phone, please.

Mrs. Carter Harrison, please.

It can only be Mrs. Carmody. You'd better hurry.

Excuse me.

She's a lovely person, Carter. Thank you, sir.

Bring her to Boston, and I guarantee her you'll have no problems.

Good luck, boy. Good-bye, sir. Mrs. Stevens.

Carter. Good-bye.

Did she say "poison darts"?

An explorer, J.L. One of those crazy Italians. Climb anything.

Oh? Yes.

President of the International Branch?

It seems his firm has a corporate image for its top executives.

They've got to be respectable, happily married men. Get the picture?

Go on.

An Italian explorer, eh? Yes.

Good, sturdy stock. Didn't you think so, Mrs. Stevens?

Lovely girl. Yes.

Mr. Harrison? Yes.

Oh, I have a message for you, sir. Yes?

I hope I got it straight.

"Good luck, Mr. Executive. Sorry I can't make Nassau,

"but have pressing engagement elsewhere. Signed, Lady Godiva."

Godiva!

"P.S. Suggest you take last resort pill now

"with or without water."

Where'd she go? She left the building, sir.

Follow that cab ahead. Quickly! Right.

Oh! It's you! Look, I need another favor. Do you remember me?

Remember you? Yeah.

How could I forget those fantastic hours in that Arab tent?

Will you try to get a message to the lady in that cab?

Hold it.

Charley, stand by, will ya? Message?

Tell her I love her. Really love her. I don't care what she does.

I don't even care if she's gonna strip off her clothes, get up on a horse

and ride naked through Soho Square, I don't care!

Hey, Charley. Tell the boys to get their cameras out, will you?

We're in for a very big day!

Naked? Where?

Soho Square.

Seems there's a gent encouragin' you to strip off in Soho Square, ma'am.

Forget it! Just lose that cab and take me directly to Ryman's Costumes.

I don't know why I was worried about Carter's wife. She's a charming girl.

Yes, J.L. She'll be a credit to the firm.

Now, Harry. I want the newspapers to know who I am.

Mrs. Carter Harrison. The wife of...

Don't worry you'll be covered by the press of the world.

If you don't sit still, that's all you will be covered by.

Harry do buzz off. Mavis, more tresses please.

Yes, Mavis, hurry. Oh, all right.

But it's rotten of you to come back.

I poured my heart and soul into this.

Had a bit of a job squeezing them in didn't you sweetie?

Oh, charming!

I even borrowed a beautiful black horse blanket from a friend in the guards

so I'd be sure to stand out from the horse.

A fact he'd no doubt appreciate. Oh, wrap up!

Uh-oh! Trouble.

Enter, Mr. Godiva. Call the police!

Don't worry, we're prepared. Mavis, hurry up, please!

Come on!

Excuse me.

I want to see my wife. You can see her in Soho Square in exactly 30 minutes.

Are you gonna move or do I have to shove that bush down your throat?

I wouldn't try.

Better move along, sir. We don't want any trouble now, do we?

Thanks, lads. Most convincing. Anytime.

How much for the flowers? Two bob a bunch, sir.

Oh, bobs again! Here. Keep the change.

Thanks, guv.

Oh, excuse me. Good day, sir. Can I help you?

Yes, I'm sorry to barge in on you this way, but I'm very anxious to see my wife.

Your wife? Yes, she just came in.

We've had quite a few in today, sir. Well, this was only

Oh, that would be the dark-haired lady.

Yes, that's the one. May I see her, please?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir, but the management does not allow visitors to see clients

before they're properly dressed.

I just want to give her these flowers. Look, I treated her abominably...

We mustn't blame ourselves, sir.

But I do. It was all my fault.

And before I had a chance to explain, she left a note and was gone, just like that.

Oh, that's life, sir, isn't it? Here one moment, gone the next.

Look, I must see her before she leaves.

But she's not leaving until Monday, sir.

Are you crazy? They're putting her on a horse

and parading her through Soho Square in exactly 20 minutes.

Good gracious! She'll never be ready by then!

A horse?

Yes, a horse.

Oh, is this some sort of, uh, religious thing?

Excuse me. Floral tributes for number six.

Number six? Oh! These would be for your late lady.

Late? Late.

Um, I... I'm terribly sorry. I...

I made a dreadful mistake. I didn't...

Sorry.

Horse?

I love a parade, but this is ridiculous!

HARRY: Come on. Get in.

You take the truck route. Rendezvous north side of Soho Square.

Toni! Wait!

Toni!

Wait!

Here! What the ruddy...

Oh!

(CARS HONKING)

What d'ya think...

Let go!

Toni!

(ALL CLAMORING)

This way!

(CARS HONKING)

Oh, may we be of assistance?

Yes, she's hurt. Needs a doctor.

There's a first-aid center just around the corner.

Thank you. Wait!

It's much quicker straight through our place.

Thank you. Just out through the back door

and right through the alley and...

Do tell them we sent you. They've been very kind to us.

Oh, you found your dear lady. I'm so glad.

It was a car accident. Oh, a pity. So young!

Such a lot of hair!

Binky, Mavis! Quickly. You two look up there.

Have a good look! They're around here somewhere.

Um, I wonder if I could, you know, use your...

Of course sir! That's what we're here for.

Just pop her down there, and I'll nip upstairs and get my tape measure.

Operator. Connect me, please, with a hospital.

Did a lady just run out of here?

Oh, no, sir. Once they're in, they're inclined to stay.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

This is an emergency! It's my wife! What's that?

No, no, no! I don't need obstetrics.

I need an... Operator!

Operator!

Yes, yes. Hello. Yes, obstetrics.

Yes, I don't need you.

My wife doesn't need you either.

Now, listen. Listen carefully. I need an ambulance.

There's been an automobile accident, and my wife is unconscious

and she's lying in a mortuary...

She's gone! WOMAN: Our sympathy, sir.

My wife! Where is she?

Oh, sir! You haven't mislaid her again!

(CARS HONKING) (CHANTING)

MAN: Who's gonna pay for all of this? What's the idea?

We'll never get through. Then get the horse. I'll ride it from here!

Mavis, Binky. You help Toni get the horse out. I'll clear a path.

Excuse me. Come on. Stand back! Clear a path, please.

Come on everybody. May I get through, please?

This is Soho, J.L. Quaint place. Full of quiet charm.

Excuse me.

Hurry up, Binky! For heaven's sake! Do put a sock in it, Mavis!

(BANGING)

Only a minor accident, J.L. The good old bobbies will clear it in a minute.

Oh, Toni!

He's gorgeous! Come on. Come on. Up you go. Up you go!

Give her a hand. One, two, three.

Upsy-daisy!

Everybody, would you back up, please? Thank you.

Would you mind backing up, please? We've got to clear a passage! It's very urgent!

Hi, there! Oh!

Who's that? Friend of mine.

British Secret Service. Top level stuff.

This could be the royal family coming through.

You get around, Bramwell. I like that. Thank you.

Back up, please. Get your cameras ready, men. This may be something exciting.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Queen or no Queen, we're going to be late!

Then we'd better walk.

It's only two blocks. Right.

We're going to walk. Pass it on.

Excuse us, please.

We better get back, J.L.

They're turning ugly. Just saw a man with a bomb!

Nonsense! Come on. No! Really, I mean it!

They're turning ugly!

Look at that girl.

What a figure! Disgusting. Shameless.

Better get outta here.

Don't like the looks of that horse. A trampler if I ever saw one.

Splendid!

(GASPING)

Don't you ever think of anything else?

Sorry! Toni!

Toni! Oh! It's him!

It's him. Let's go!

Don't I know that girl?

No, no, she's a blonde. I mean, you wouldn't know her.

Phony blonde charging around on a mad horse.

Toni! Get outta here!

Toni, please!

Come along now, gentlemen. Break it up.

The penalty for striking an officer of the law...

Toni, listen! Toni, I want to talk...

That's Carter and his wife! It is?

You rat! Get out of here! Take your hands...

Oh!

What in the world is she doing here? I thought her father was dying?

She's gone berserk with sorrow.

Take your hands off me! Toni! I want to talk to you!

(POLICEMEN BLOWING WHISTLE)

Oh! Let go! Let go!

How dare you! Toni, please!

(GASPS)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

"In addition to the accused, whom I now know to be

"Harrison, Harrison, Jones, Masters and Waring, et al.

"As I approached the accused and reasoned with them,

"asking them to cease and desist forthwith,

"whereupon Harrison aimed a blow at Jones and hit me on the nose.

"Jones aimed a blow at Harrison and hit me on the nose.

"Miss Masters aimed a kick at Harrison, missed him and caught me right in the..."

(ALL LAUGHING)

Perhaps I ought to write this down, Your Worship.

My sympathies, Constable. Proceed.

"Whereupon Mrs. Harrison aimed a blow at Harrison, knocking off my helmet.

"As I bent down to retrieve it,

"I was put in an extremely unfortunate position as regards the horse,

"which then proceeded to..."

(ALL LAUGHING)

I do think I ought to write this one down, Your Worship.

I think we can dispense with that one altogether.

JUDGE: Will the defendants rise?

In the case of the defendants Jones, Waring, Miss Masters and Mrs. Harrison,

five pounds each.

Mr. Harrison, kindly remain behind.

The rest of you, please see the bailiff.

(GAVEL BANGING)

Don't worry, J.L. He'll come out of this smelling like a rose.

He better!

I understand a lawyer has been retained to speak for you.

Uh, Mr. Martindale. Are you ready?

Your Worship. I would ask you to consider that a conviction would be a blot

not only on Mr. Harrison's unblemished reputation,

but also upon the name of the great company which employs him.

MARTINDALE: Mr. Harrison had no connection with the foolish demonstration

planned for Soho Square.

He was on his way, peacefully, to attend an important conference,

when he was suddenly shocked to his very roots at the sight of his own wife,

indecently clad, on her way to take part in a demonstration

designed solely to embarrass the great country

of which he is an honorable citizen!

Can you, Your Worship, could anyone condemn a man

for rushing forward in a desperate but dare I say noble attempt

to stop this woman from committing an act

of vulgar folly?

But I trust, I believe you will find Mr. Harrison not guilty.

And this is the truth, Mr. Harrison?

No, sir. Not a word of it!

(CROWD MURMURING)

(GAVEL BANGING)

I beg your pardon?

None of it is true. Mr. Harrison,

if you feel there's something you ought to tell the court.

I appreciate the efforts of my company

to whitewash my name, but they needn't have bothered.

My resignation is already in the mail.

(CROWD MURMURING)

Your Worship. My wife and I have a great many differences of opinion.

As a matter of fact, we disagree on most things.

For example, she believes passionately in the purposes of this committee.

I do not.

But my actions yesterday were in no way an attempt to try and stop her.

I was merely trying to reach her

to tell her how ashamed I was of my behavior toward her

and that I loved her very much

and that being her husband is the only job I care anything about.

After what happened yesterday,

you might find this hard to believe.

She does.

But it's the truth.

Thank you, Mr. Harrison. I hope you get her back.

If that's what you want.

JUDGE: Case dismissed. Thank you.

You know, that's the lowest trick of all. Sincerity.

Go on! I'll pay your bloody fine.

I'd think twice about accepting that resignation, J.L.

You're losing a great vice president.

And a lousy public relations officer. Yes. (CHUCKLES)

Well, Julius. You've just fired your two best men.

I certainly did! A man without principle is a man without integrity,

guts or moral fiber.

You certainly stood by your principles! You bet I did!

When are you going to hire them back? This afternoon.

Do let's get out of this dreadful law court!

I'm a criminal, darling! Binky, dear, cheer up!

Oh!

Well, I've blown it. But, anyway, I appreciate your cooperation.

Even getting yourself arrested!

Your security boys really do a thorough job.

Well, that's what we're here for. By the way, I never did get your name.

Bond. James Bond.

No relation.

Carter!

Carter, wait!

Home, darling? Uh, no.

The press will be there.

There'll be reporters and pictures.

Let's find some little hideaway all to ourselves, huh?

Lovely, but, I must get out of this

and collect Mavis's horse blanket.

I left it at Ryman's.

Driver! Yes, sir?

Take us to... Soho.

We want to get rid of the lady's clothes, pick up a blanket

and then find some little place

where we won't be bothered by photographers, huh?

Right. Hey, Charley, do me a favor and phone the missus, will you?

Tell her I'll be a bit late tonight.

The passionate Persian is back in town.