Original subtitles

Don't forget to plug in your cars and bring out the winter woolies.

But the weirdest thing is it'll be going back out and

this will all melt almost as fast as it came

Global warming or just weird weather?

Or cow methane or God knows what, eh Lily?

You bet, Lar--

It probably won't surprise you to hear that this wasn't

what I pictured when I decided to become a thief.

You know, I imagine myself roaming the globe with an

all-star team of criminals stealing rubies from shieks

Cracking safes in Shanghai

and then counting my millions on a beach somewhere.

But before I knew it, instead of the hula girls and the mojitos,

I was here, working alone, freezing my ass off

Trying to steal something from a house while the cops were already inside.

And if I didn't pull this off I'd lose everything.

Sure I'd make some lasting relationships in prison,

but that wasn't my preferred option.

Nope.

♪ Come find me I, leave no trails ♪

♪ A criminal flippin'’ it wholesale ♪

♪ We killaz and cowboys in hotels ♪

♪ On the run from the law we know well ♪

♪ The game I know so well They put me in jail but I post bail ♪

♪ Aint riding no coat-tails

♪ Expect my name in no folk-tales ♪

♪ My daughter prays for me Search the bible for a verse ♪

♪ It's more likely that you'll find me In a hearse than a church ♪

♪ In hell I'll be in good company ♪

♪ But a father though needs an honour code ♪

♪ I got street smarts, made honour role ♪

♪ Got a steel heart and a troubled soul ♪

♪ Tell the Devil get out cause I rob a home ♪

♪ To the brimstone and fire For redemption, no desire ♪

♪ Ghostwriter can't save me In Hades I might retire ♪

♪ In hell I'll be in good company ♪

♪ There's secrets you can'’t hide ♪

♪ Extortions or the bribes

♪ Up is where the jig lies Small town big lies ♪

♪ Oh lord I aint coming home with you ♪

Now this fucking clusterfuck

started about six hours ago with a call from

Iron Stripes is a proper thief under Don's wing

It was a living, but there's no future in robbing warehouses

and shipping containers.

I had to build something bigger for my family, and myself.

So I quit. And he actually let me.

Gus, it's Don. We need to talk.

Now even though I was out, you do not ignore a call from Don.

So I had to detour the whole family from a trip

to my mother-in-law's birthday party to go meet him, and see what was up.

Gus, you do not want to play with me today. I thought you

said that you were never working with Don again.

Now I know what you're thinking here. But

you'd be wrong. Diane didn't want me to go straight. She wanted me to

be better at being crooked.

Like any married couple we had our hopes, and dreams.

Honey, do you know what good husbands do? Hmm?

What do good husbands do, darling?

Good husbands bring home the bacon.

Bacon!

That's right, bacon!

Well honey, I can't bring home the bacon

if I've gone away for a long time in the big house.

Don't go away daddy into the big house!

I'm not darling.

Well if you keep hanging out with losers like Don

you won't have to get locked up to go away for a long time.

I couldn't really blame her for being pissed off.

She was right. And for a long time now I

hadn't been delivering on my end of the deal.

I just couldn't seem to find a good score on my own.

If you smartened up you'd bring home the bacon.

Ha! And then maybe, if you were really lucky, you'd get your

sausage eaten.

But now looking back, it was stupid to even have talked to him.

Hi Uncle Don! Bye Uncle Don!

Hey kid!

Don had a way of prodding, finding your soft spot and then twisting.

I got one minute, Don.

What are you, on a date?

Fifty-eight seconds don.

Stegman.

Stegman? The porn guy?

Yeah, the porn guy. He stole something of mine.

You're my best thief, I want you to go get it back for me.

Well I'm not yours any more, Don.

You know, she blames you. She blames you for me not making enough money.

Can you believe that?

It was your choice to quit the crew. Your mistake, not mine.

Alright, what did Stegman steal?

He broke into my place, took some VHS tapes.

Security footage of that jewellery heist that went south

a couple of years ago. It was just Stegman, so I sent Lars.

You called Lars?

Yeah.

They say, half a loaf is better than no bread.

But what if the bread is moldy, and borderline handicapped?

Lars was supposed to be my replacement.

But if there was a school for thieves, Lars would've been the kid that

took three years to finish the first grade.

I didn't know anyone who actually paid for porn any more.

But somehow Stegman was able to juice big coin out of it.

So what? He was suddenly stupid enough to start blackmailing Don?

And a bunch of criminals? Even Lars smelled something

wrong here.

But he didn't really expect to find Stegman already dead.

Two slugs. Double tap to the chest.

Clothes all over the floor.

Shaving stuff on the counter.

Women's shit all over the place.

The toilet's backed up?

Lars... come to me... Feel me Lars...

Huh?

Touch me. Come to me. Lars...

Touch me, feel me Lars, come to me...

Love me lars, love me!

Who are you?

I'm just the actress.

That dead shit in the shower, that's Stegman, Right?

Stupid bastard. Who did it?

I... I don't know. I was unconscious.

Stay there.

Stegman is dead?

That's stupid.

The hell?

Jesus Christ! Fuck!

Lars? Lars sucks.

Well, now I can't even get in touch with him.

So I would like you to go in. See if you can suss this out.

Now?

What?

Give me your balls you jackass!

Really?

You, me, Sergei, Kruger.

Jesus Don, it's been ten years since that clusterfuck.

What happened?

He's been blackmailing everybody on the tape.

I'm surprised he hasn't called you yet.

No, he hasn't called me yet.

Dad, we've gotta go.

Twenty four Roanoke Avenue.

I'm not doing this Don!

Come on doodle bug, we gotta hit the road. Give me that.

Gus, it's best you do this.

I don't have to best do anything, Don.

The thing about Don is that he never did something for nothing.

He knows we can't get pinched for a ten year old crime.

He knows I know that. Therein lay my worry.

I got you.

I just couldn't see the angle here. And God knows, Don always had an angle.

You said you'd be quick.

Whyn't you just honk the horn some more?

Yeah, keep it up smartass.

Mom!

I'm sorry sweetheart. And you smell like smokes.

I only had one. Back me up, doodle bug!

Just one, I counted!

What is that?

Hot dog!

I told my mom you quit.

I did quit. As of now... I quit. So you're not a liar.

And we'll tell her I was in a fire!

What kind of fire, Daddy? -A big one! And I saved a little baby!

And I went back for a cat but the baby lived and the cat blew up.

Let the cat live!

Shitballs yeah the cat lives! And I'm the hero of the story!

Okay, okay, you know what? Be a father and stop swearing at your daughter.

What did Don want?

Nothing.

Yeah, that sounds likely.

Uncle Don was sad.

Sweetheart I don't want you to call him that, okay?

Someone stole something.

Hey, how do you know that? - I hear stuff.

Okay, you see this is exactly why I don't want her hanging around him.

If you had had successful partners,

they would know how to make money and keep secrets from children.

You're so pretty!

And you're so ugly!

You're so pretty!

You're so ugly!

And you're so pretty!

And you're so ugly!

You're so pretty!

Okay okay okay stop that.

Too fat.

Too ugly.

Too duckface.

Way too emo.

Oh she's perfect for you! Get your feet off my desk!

I talked to Gus.

He'll go.

So he went?

He'll go.

What do you mean he'll go?

He needs time to suss out the situation.

Dad, why do you even like him? Have you seen him with his wife? He's totally pussy-whipped!

I like him because he's not an idiot.

What if he doesn't go at all?

Do something!

Try Lars again!

Fuck! Fuck!

Where are we?

We're en-route.

No we're not!

Yeah... It's called a shortcut.

Gus... Gus I will completely lose it if you do this

Of course it wasn't a shortcut. Diane can be a pain,

But she is not stupid

She wanted me to forget Don and just move on

But my gut was telling me something

Something different

This was the moment that I realized there was a real problem

Sergei was no fool

He was the muscle in Don's crew

And when I saw him here, I knew... This blackmail thing...

It holds water

Massive bullet

Probably fifty millimeter.

But no holes in the glass

Hey!

Help me

Somebody help me

Who's there?

Hello?

Hey, help me

Hey... Help

Shut up! Who are you?

I'm just the actress

I'm so glad you're here man

My eyes are fucked man

Hey, help me out man

I help you Lars, come on

Oh thanks man. Oh my god this is so fucked up

I can't see anything oh my god I'm totally blind! It's so fucked up!

The Octopus and The Girl...

That is so gay

Tell me if I'm close

It's a heist movie meets tentacle porn

Hot young asian chick

comes to rob a drug dude's den

But things get crazy

And before her appears

A magical octopus

That is the embodiment of all her sexual fantasies

And there's a guy... He does you, you do him

The octopus comes and does everybody and best play, roll credits!

Ugh, everyone's a critic

Where are the tapes?

I don't think it's finished yet

The security tapes!

I... I don't know anything about them

you know I was hoping a midget would fall down from there

Every porn, needs a midget

Here we go

Ooh... Lars.

Lars? you are so much better when you're quiet

Tell me darling

What is your name?

Evy

Evy?

And Evy, what is that thing that the midgets like to be called?

Little people

Really?

That is way more insulting

Okay. Evy

I just did you a huge favour

You will win one of those porn awards and be able to afford some good tits

Now

You help me too, huh?

You see, I think

You

Know

Something

No, nothing nothing

Where does he keep his important shit!?

Downstairs. Videos, boxes, there's all kind of shit down there

Good girl

Can you help me now?

Help yourself

I am a carrer criminal

Now. There are only a couple of rules that we live by

Rule number two:

Don't tell other criminals your business

It protects you, it protects them

Diane's grandfather taught me that.

He was a legend in his day and he made sure Diane's dad was a proper thief too.

Which has made my recent losing streak so much worse. I think

the real reason Diane hid my profession from her family is that she

was just flat out embarrassed

Ok sweetheart you remember what to say

if anybody asks you what your dad does for work? Russian spy

He's like an entrepreneur.

He works with money

Okay, here we go

Hi mom, happy birthday

Thanks darling

You're late

My fault Mrs. Stewart, you can blame me -Oh get in here

Tell her about the fire daddy, tell her about the cat

Oh I will, go on in

Apparently we have a cat

Well that's lovely Angela,

I can't wait to meet him. Come on in

Is uncle harry here?

Oh yeah, I've seen him here somewhere with a drink in his hand

Now did you just trick me into getting you a cat?

Smart, eh?

Very smart. Now I've gotta make a phone call

can you make sure your mom doesn't find me?

Wait. First help me with my jacket

She'll think you're being responsible in a fatherly way

Are you sure you're my kid?

Alright

Take that off

Alright. Now. Give me your hands

Say a little prayer with me alright?

Close your eyes and repeat after me

Lord give us strength...

Lord give us strength

To accept the things that we can not change...

To accept the things that we can not change

And courage to change those we can...

And courage to change those we can

And wisdom to drink all the pain away

And... what kind of prayer is that?

One that's gonna come in handy one day, doodlebug

Just you and me, sitting on a porch

Dad?

You're so pretty! Now go find your mom alright?

That right there is what this was all for.

So we just wait?

Theres a ticking clock dad

Let me see that

Where'd you get this?

The hands look like boners

What do you know about time?

You know dick!

- Shut up. - Shut up.

Shut up!

Jesus, kids always seem to have all the right questions

It's like

Why shouldn't you have your cake and be able to eat it too?

I just wish I had all the right answers for her.

Sometimes all I've got are questions myself.

Is this for real?

I think so

Lets see if I'm awake

Ouch, you're supposed to pinch yourself!

You sure?

For god sake Gus

Dr. Field said, positive steps

Moving things forward -That guy's such a new age tool, you know that?

The only thing I hated more than old people parties,

Marriage councillors

I apologize, you're right.

I hear you. I accept you. I appreciate you. I'm trying, trust me

Focus, this is my one family day for my mom's birthday and there are

a lot of people we don't know here this time

You know if you took things more seriously you may actually find opportunity here

Opportunity?

Just when I thought things were bad

Harry. Hello, how are you?

Very good, very good

Nice to see you -Yeah

And who's this?

Hi my name's Angela and this is my dad, he's an entrepreneur

Hi I'm Gus, I'm actually a registered martial arts expert

I'm required to say that cause I'm on a

list I kill people with my bare hands using Kung Fu

He's joking Harry

I am joking, I'm actually in venture capital

Right, right. How's that work?

Gus makes investments. If somebody has a good idea, Gus seems an opportunity

Yeah. Actually 95 percent of them don't make any money

but the five percent that pay off, they're the ones that bring in the bacon. Ain't that right?

I can imagine

Bring home the bacon to mama, and sausage.

What business are you in Harry?

Well I own what you might call a cleaning company

But now I'm retired,

you know what they say, goodbye tension, hello pension

Oh I didn't know they said that

Yeah

Who said that?

I just said that

Yes you did

Actually, excuse me I have to take this

Where are you going? Everything's going so well

Diane I'm telling you,

This thing with Don, it might be important

One call. Alright?

One call

Just be my hero

I'll be right back

For fuck sake

What did you just say?

I love you

Whoa

Stegman's, home of the legendary eight-legged octopus cam

Tentacle play, why watch one when you can see eight?

A salty dog always gets his bone

Seriously?

Let us shiver your timbers,

because we filmed a giant squid attack at a private girls school

Wanna schilak your schillaly like it's the first time?

Well just join us because--

It's the most I've gotten in six months

That's hilarious, you're really hilarious,

You can get used to laughing and doing everything else alone

I want you to make that call and get your ass back to the party

It's him, heh heh!

Yeah?

Hey, it's me,

I just went by, fucking Sergei's out front,

The fuck is going on don?

Tell him dad

You remember that night there were two security guards

Yeah I was there remember?

Yeah well then you'll remember it was as cold as a witch's tit, wasn't it?

Uh huh Well, when you disabled the motion sensors system you

also shut off the heating system

So?

So they froze to death

They froze?

Like they... they died?

Fucking christ Don, why didn't I read about this in the newspapers?

If there's no bodies there's no murders

I had to send somebody in to clean it up didn't I?

Kruger right?

And his partner.

They cleaned the whole mess up and they brought me back the security tapes

I just cracked the safe Don

Gus? You, me, Sergei, Kruger, his partner we're all on those tapes

And we're on the hook for felony murder while in commission of a crime.

Shit, fuck, piss Don. Fuck you for not getting those tapes back.

How did Stegman get them anyway?

That doesn't really matter

What matters is we get the tapes back

Or maybe it doesn't, you know,

Little Angela, maybe she can raise herself

All the parenting's done on the internet these days

I mean she could talk to men in chatrooms about

doing the Daddy thing

got my cigarets?

Mom will kill me

Christ, you too? Come on

What are you doing?

Busted

Oh no you're busted too pal. Give me this

You know this is exactly what Dr. Field said you'd do

Using Angela as your little go between

Don't say it

As your enabler

Diane I'm in trouble

Oh yeah, that's something new

Come on Diane

What's to understand Gus?

You stopped being good at being crooked,

Why would I expect you to be able to earn

Did you really just say that?

Wow

Hey doodlebug why don't you tell mom that the cat had post traumatic stress, alright?

That plays nice with the fire story and this way if I leave now I can save the cat.

What's wrong with him?

Doodlebug, there isn't even a cat

I'll be right back okay?

I am not kidding Gus, if you leave now don't bother coming back, cause I'm done

Diane I gotta go take care of some business so we can

keep doing the things we like to do, alright?

Oh and, you know, I'll remind you.

You're the one who fucked someone else, not me

I love you

I love you too

♪♪

Something's not right here

No kidding

There is a girl downstairs,

dressed like she should be fucking octopuses

Octopi

So I wonder why, you don't have the whole costume

Answer it

Hello?

They hung up.

It was some girl

Pff. Lars can't get girls. Can Lars get girls?

Maybe you dialled wrong dad?

I didn't dial the wrong number you little asshole

Then who was it dad?

You know who it had to've been?

The cops

The cops have Lars's phone, they're playing us

They're playing us

I hope they did get him, he's fucking useless

Who? Stegman?

No! Lars and Gus, always talking about how good a thief he is

And all other kinds of literary shit

I know who that was

You know. I don't like this thing. What do you do with eight tentacles?

Seven

What?

Octopi have seven tentacles. The eighth one is called the hectocotylus

His dick

Shit. Which one is that?

It would be easier to show you than tell you.

Mmm but, you didn't tell me about the girl downstairs. Did you?

No no no that changes the whole movie.

Hot chick number one comes to burglarize the dude, that is the girl downstairs,

But, she is interrupted by hot, but timid, asian chick number two, that's you

And you come to the house and you have the octopus come down and he fucking you

You know I think a man with an accent is really sexy

You think my accent is...

Do you think this is sexy?

How do you like my accent when I say

Who the fuck are you bitch? And where are the tapes?

Police!

Guess what?

I like my tits

Police!

Hello! Police! There has been a call about shots fired!

Police!

Hello?

Is there anyone home?

Hello?

Hello?

Anyone home?

We're entering your first floor!

Hello?

Show yourself!

Just like Sergei and Don, Stegman had been trying to blackmail her too

He had no idea who he was stirring up.

What a dickhead

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

What?

Behind you

Okay. I'm just here

Freezing my ass of

Obviously, no hula girls. No mojitos

But at least I look like I'm coming up with a plan. Right?

Well I haven't

I have no fucking idea what to do here

How do I get around the cops, snag the tapes and get my game tight again

I fell back on the criminal code

Rule number three of being a thief. Never push

Wait for your moment

This one's still alive

It's alright

You're safe now

There's another girl downstairs

Muligan. Go see if there's another girl downstairs

Turn around

Walk

Turn around, and go back into the closet

Grab my pants

The bag

I'm just the actress

And my jacket

You can't blame a girl for taking off her pants when she wants something

Now can you officer?

March

You know, it's not that we're worried you're not handling this dad

It's that we don't trust Gus -Or Lars

Or Stegman

Yeah especially Stegman

But basically none of them

It's time to bring Kruger in

Burn the place down

Stegman and all the evidence

Yeah, Kruger can get girls

Yeah, fuck us

We can't wait around forever for him to get something done

He doesn't even have a nickname

If he did. He'd be the...

Procrastinator

Exactly

How do we even know Gus isn't involved,

He's a dirty thief

And whoever stole those tapes, they were good

like. Gus good

Gus good

Maybe it is time to call in Kruger

Alright I want you guys to get down there too

What?

Yeah, shouldn't we just wait? - Yeah it's not even four yet

Alright mister dick for time,

You think Gus is involved?

You two get down there and keep an eye on him

Fucking Gus,

Fucking Gus

Gus

We'll take the jag,

Gotta get used to girls wanting to give me a blowjob through the window.

Hey!

You leave the jaguar alone, take your own car!

Kruger,

Get in here

I hate that...

Door

Put your guns down

What's going on?

Well a girl just came blazing out of Stegman's

Put your gun down now

Move over there

What girl?

She has a gun, cop and...

Do you see the bag in his hand? It's a bomb

...maybe a bomb

Does she have the tapes?

What a cop and a bomb isn't enough?

Gus.

You get to her

Don, she's surrounded

Yeah, I'm sure many a fine daughters been raised by daddies that are in prison

What?

And don't forget to remind Angela about the evils of doing Meth, and sexting

Or sexting while on meth

Wha... What about Stegman?

Forget about him

You just get me the tapes and the girl

Get in

Get in!

Go

Go

Okay

Back inside

Stop right there!

Who the fuck are you?

I'm the actress

You need that?

No

Fix this

Fix it right

Make this turn and then go straight

Give me my pants back officer

Shame on you

How about we play a game?

If you can get to your gun, faster than I can get into my pants,

Then you can take your best shot

No peeking boys

And I had to do that with my hands ties two hours ago

Now it's your turn to take off your pants officer

What?

We'll turn up ahead

Hey hey is that him?

Yep

Oh baby, Lady Luck is on line today!

Look at that car It looks like a grandma's car

Lets sneak around, spy on them from the parking lot

That one we just passed

You know that's not a bad idea. I'm surprised at you

Why? Why is that surprising?

Ah no reason

It's cold out

Shit

Oh... shit...

I don't want to die like this

How do you wanna die?

No I'm serious, I'm interested

How do you want to die?

I have a wife and kids

Watch them grow up

Retire

Buy a boat

A boat?

A boat!

Dude Is she gonna ice that fucking guy?

He's a cop right?

Yeah

That would be so dope

Then what? Just die on your boat?

That's all there is to it, right?

You done learning?

She's a fucking trained assassin man

Then why is she putting her gun on the ground?

That's not professional at all

Thank you

Take it easy... Take it easy

There you go

You're welcome

Who sent you?

Oh table's turned

You show up out of nowhere in front of cops

Why?

I'm on those tapes also.

So Stegman blackmailed you too?

Don sent me

Did you even find the tapes?

You try finding tapes in that house with half the criminal world dropping in

- So how do you know Stegman? - I don't. He found me

He's got footage of me getting rid of some bodies

And he wanted to know how much I'd pay

So you work for Don too?

Worked

Yeah?

Dad?

Oh hey doodle, what's going on?

Mom says we're leaving

No, I'll talk to you soon

No it's...

Give me the phone

Angela, Angela now

Where are you going?

What's going on?

We're leaving

Mom?

What?

What do you mean? Why is Angie crying?

I bought Angela and I plane tickets

I did it last week

I knew it would come to this

I can't stand this horse shit anymore

Ok just wait okay. Just...

Diane!

Stop

Give me your keys

I'm on those tapes too

Those bodies you fixed, they were mine

Okay? I gotta go get my girl

Alright, you coming?

Alright

Oh where do you think they're going?

You know, that girl with chloroform is pretty hot

Dude I just figured out how to un-cluster this fuck right here

Okay, just follow along, okay?

Kruger is gonna fix the shit show at Stegman's, we're all cool there

And meanwhile

we make sure that Gus doesn't get his dirty fucking thief hands on those tapes

I gotta hand it to these boys,

I didn't think they had the stones to try to pull off something like this

But their little bean bags were pebbles

compared to the shiny brass monkey balls that Stegman was showing.

Instead of just blackmailing Don like they had planned

Stegman double crossed Jessie and Sal

He got greedy and tried to fleece the whole crew

Asshole

You are so full of shit Stegman

I'm not putting my dick in that! Why not?

I think it's kinda hot! See?

- Put his dick in what? - Shut up man!

If that tentacle thing wasn't so cheap looking I might be into it.

Wait Stiggy, I think he's kinda

right, I feel like I need some actors motivation too

Fine, what if you're wearing a gas mask?

What for?

Who cares it's art, besides I've got one in the basement

Darling come on with me

Okay

I'm going for a shower

Fuck man no-one was supposed to be here

Shut up

You shut up

You go upstairs and get the guy,

I'll go downstairs and get our tapes back. Go!

What the fuck. I don't do guys

Fucking Gus. Loser

Yeah, right?

Yeah

Let's get the fuck out of here. Oh fuck

Drive. He figures this out we'll

be completely fucking pooched

We gotta stop him no matter what before he gets to Stegman's

No matter fucking what dude

I can get her myself

I'm going in with you anyways

You understand that I'm not a thief right? Just so we're clear

Well I am a thief and I never thought I'd kill anyone until about two hours ago

Yeah and who let security guards freeze?

No donuts no coffee... I never killed anyone who didn't deserve it. Ever.

Okay, she is hot but--

But what?

And I've never robbed anyone who didn't deserve to give some back.

Wow. Peas in a pod

Bigger tits, blonde, and a little less asian.

She'd be perfect

You must be a wonderful lover

Where's Angie?

We're done

Who the fuck is that?

This isn't about her, this isn't about Don,

this isn't about money, This isn't even about you and me and our fights.

Alright, this is about everything.

We gotta handle this or I'm going to make it comprende compondre?

Now where the hell is my kid?

Angie? Angela?

She's not here. What do you mean she's not here?

- She's gone. - She's just gone?

-Yep, she's gone -Gone

-Yep gone -Oh, Diane?

Hey there doodlebug, come on

You stay right there Angela

Mom?

Hey remember our talk, how there might be a time when we have to go?

- Yeah? - Did you change your mind?

No

Hey where's your mask?

Did you forget it man?

No I told you,

I learned

You look like a condom

Shut up

Now's that time,

Trust me. This thing with Don is completely out of control,

We have to leave now

Come on

Shit, I dropped my bullets

Pick it up dork

Quick, this is serious man lets go

Okay, I'm cool.

Lets hit it

Mom don't worry, we'll call you from the road

Get back!

Everybody on the floor now!

Now! Get over there

Over there, over there

Yeah you, you, you too

Everybody down!

Get on the floor, c'mon

Does everybody here speak English?

Nana and papa get your shit on the floor!

Go! Old man, come on

- Oh, my back... - Keep your shoulders together...

Lets go, we don't have all day!

Get down! Get your skivvies on the floor!

Asshole Gus, that fucker never even brings home the bacon

Hey shut up!

Okay everybody, listen up

This guy right here, he stole something from our dad, tried to blackmail him

But you know what? No one's gonna get hurt,

Maybe he will,

Just cooperate, okay?

The fuck is wrong with you?

Aint you got some dumb quip?

Brevity is the soul of wit

Somebody do something!

Nice masks boys

Jessie, Sal

Stupid anyway

Where's the tapes?

I don't have them

No man, we know you stole them

I'm not a violent guy Jessie, I wouldn't want to have kill you

See this guy, this is what I'm talking about.

Who the fuck is like this?

We have guns, he has none

Hey you're his bitchy wife right?

Get up

Do what he says

Hey

I've seen you online, why didn't you like me on milf chat?

Seriously man? We've got a gun on your wife, your kid,

your whole family is on the floor and you're just like, no worries

Nope, not worried

I think you're right Sal, I think he's retarded

And not just like a retarded retarded but

like a new kind of retarded that isn't even invented yet

Yeah, well how about this?

Close your eyes sweetie

Don't open them until I tell you to

Oh dude you are so fucking dead

Hamlet right?

Yeah

He stole this from Stegman's

That seems about right

They set this whole thing up, even set up their own father

Okay

That's the man I married

Yeah

You can open your eyes now sweetie

No way!

Okay

Okay take her out of here, I'll take care of this Yeah

Gus? Yeah?

Make this right

Of course

Lady?

I don't know you, But I've had a

shitty partner once and I can spot one in thirty seconds now.

And that guy there,

You can trust him with your daughter.

Miss? Miss could you help me up?

Now's not a good time Don,

You got the tapes?

Nope

What about the girl?

It's Don

Hi Don,

Evy?

Yeah. So how did Stegman get the tapes?

Don't worry, it's all fixed

I gave you those tapes to have them destroyed, it's all on you

Every once and a while a man needs a little reassurance, doesn't he?

You fucked us

If you say so Evy

So if you don't have the tapes, who else did you send over to Stegman's?

I think you know who

Big mistake Don

Gus that's her, Kruger's ex partner, you can't trust her

Well I'm not so sure about that

Gus? Gus!

The only good news here is it'll keep Kruger at bay, hopefully

I better go find the octopus

Aquariums are cool

Can you pass me that?

Thank you

Doodlebug, you stay in the car.

Evy, help me out with this

Hey. Hey! Let me out!

Kruger!

You're not Stegman.

Shit, shit

Angela, I'll be right back, okay?

Umm. Okay?

Oh for fuck sakes

Hey

Mind giving me a hand?

What are you doing?

You know, just trying to get the fucking tapes

Okay

I'll be back in a bit

Those belong to someone who's sloppy

Hey, you know maybe we could work together?

You know, cooperate, cooperation, you know maybe we could get out of here quicker

What are you doing?

You don't have to do that right?

Please,

Shit, shit

Hi

Hello Stegman

You are a greedy Nelly

Where are the tapes?

I was just trying to finance my film

Aren't there bankers for that?

Nobody will back me.

Too long, Too complicated, Too many characters, Too many flashbacks

Bad hero, bad reveal, bad structure, bad ending

I gotta take my shoes off, grounding is important

Hey!

Okay look, it's a morality tale. There's an octopus and a girl and it's practically art

And there's all these extra story layers

Ugh I hate those

No wait, wait, wait,

I call it.

The Octopus Comes at Night

Where are the tapes?

They're beside the Shakespeare.

Hi Kruger

Evy

Get inside

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah I'm okay. I thought I told you to stay in the car?

But the woman followed you and I followed her through the side window to find you.

You did that?

Well you're like a little ninja.

So the last time we saw each other, you left me for dead

I did what I could

You didn't do enough.

Put your gun down

Hey what's that?

It's pretty

Oh. That's the only thing you're allowed to touch in here, okay?

Where are the tapes?

Show me

Pass them over.

Wait a minute

Your hands are very small

What?

What did you find in the can?

Good

Well well you sneaky little bugger

Stegman...

you know I only tried to blackmail you guys because I was trying to fund films

Aren't there bankers for that?

Evy? You still working alone?

I'm rethinking

Now get your hand right up in there... Yeah

Now you gotta think about the long game

This is a career. Sometimes the first steps are a little slippery.

Gross

So is this how you always saw yourself?

What?

Dying with a man like this.

What?

Pull it

Missed you Evy

So I guess there's only one question left

What's that?

Can you get out from the inside?

Bye Kruger

Bye Evy

Oh she's beautiful...

This kind of life requires a skilled craft.

One that can be passed on from father to daughter

And I'm a good father right?

Yep. I love you dad

Yeah

Yeah, you're a pretty good father.

Hey and ah... Kruger?

Done

Good

I got the cameras daddy!

Good job

Now. We came here to do something very important

You helped, big time.

But the key is to know when to skidaddle,

and do you hear those sirens?

Now's the time. Lets go

Good job sweetie

Hey kiddo, how you holding up back there?

I'm fine actually. I feel pretty good.

She's a chip off the old block

I got you something

It stinks

That's the art

What bout Stegman?

Mr. Stegman? He dead!

You know Evy.

You're gonna have to back us up at Don's in case anything goes squirrelly.

What about that Sal and Jessie thing?

Mum's the word on that.

Where is mom, dad?

We're gonna go get her doodlebug Once I change out of these clothes

What about, these?

Don't break those, okay. We've gotta take those to Don's

Okay okay

You're so pretty!

And you're so ugly!

And you're so pretty!

And you're so ugly!

Yeah!

That chloroform comes in handy dandy, she's like a dead fish. Should've fucking

known it wouldn't be that easy to take out dad

Yeah I guess so,

But man I just wanted to see that old

bastards face when they lock him up for good. Ah fucking Stegman.

Greedy little bastard, we should've never given him the tapes

Those stupid freaking, backstabbing kids of mine

And these are from Sal's gun

Today's shit show, first rate

With Evy tied up

And Stegman locked away in his panic room

These miscreant kids scoured the place for their tapes

and of course found zilch

Stegman is dead

That's for sure

Right about then is when Lars broke up their party.

Oh christ, is that Lars already?

I can't get the bar out

Come on man, we just gotta go, leave the bar. Come on lets go!

It's your boys who set you up Don

I'm sure you're not gonna be surprised if I keep these, safe this time

How about my two little pricks there? Do you know where they are?

Don't know

Well I guess they'll make it home sooner or later huh?

Come on dad, you promised me a cat

That's right, I did.

Lets go

Oh. One more thing.

Destroy that evidence, no second chances.

Oh yeah, for real, I'll do it

Insurance!

Motherfucker

Bad boy Donald,

Shame on you

I think you should give me those now

Once, maybe. But not twice

It's all by the code

There's only a couple of ways to get yourself killed by someone like Evy,

Betrayal is one of them

So is making the same mistake twice

Don says goodbye

Bye uncle Don

Time to go get mom

Yes!

Hop on. Good girl

I'm gonna have to get rid of this car

Welcome back

It was great mom, we did this thing-- Shh! Angela. No

What took you guys so long?

We hit a few snags, it's all good. But what happened to the, uh...

I know this seems a little unusual, but even though we said we were retired,

We can still tap into our, what you might call our professional sides

We?

You know age has made me realize that family need to be handled

Speaking of which, how did you get here?

Yeah we have a car to get rid of

Ethel?

I got a guy down at the recycling yard,

It'll be roofing for the Red Cross by tomorrow

Uh, keys?

Let's get back to your future

There's a lot of experience sitting around this, uh, tea party

Diane has told us about your recent struggles,

And we were thinking that maybe, witness protection could be a

very opportune next step in your line of business

Well I do have a partner,

Yes I know

No a business partner

Interesting

This changes things

Maybe for the better

Young lady, I've seen your skills, this includes you too

Wonderful, who wants tea?

I think this might be a good fit

You bet.

It really was easy enough to end up dead, or behind bars.

Retirees are the best in the business. Which is why they're retirees, and not inmates.

Thank you!

Oh. Oh you're quick

You're like a ninja

Glad you've made the right decision,

Works like this.

You I.D. Kruger as the cop killer and we

put you and your gentle family into witness protection.

Charges of kidnapping a police officer, aiding and embedding a felon, threatening of a bomb,

impersonating a police officer, leaving the scene of a multiple

murder, dangerous driving, tampering with evidence...

and all of the other serious crimes you may or may not have committed that day go away

You have a lucky charm up your ass.

You like hitting all the buttons don't you?

Sometimes you just gotta break the rules dad.

Atta girl

Who want's steaks?

I'm thinking we need a boat -A boat?

Yeah a big boat

So there you have it. Whether it was the promise of a boat, or steak dinners,

or my little apple that's fallen so close to the tree,

Or my new lease on marriage, or my new partner,

Or all of it all together. My best self was back

Under the cover of witness protection we could steal and fence

just about anything we wanted And we were completely off the cops radar

New I.D. new home town

I was back.

Stay close kid, here we go

I'm with you, partner

So, what's rule number one of being a thief? Aspire to retire.

If I even tried to explain it, it would just sound stupid.