Original subtitles

So, meiosis is the process by which

a cell divides and splits up the number of chromosomes.

Now, this is different than mitosis, remember,

it'll form what are called "gametes."

All right, does this make sense to everybody?

All right, now each gamete contains 50%...

We're just gonna, like, wreck your house.

It's gonna be so rad.

Who's even coming?

Yeah, is it gonna be, like, super exclusive? What's the deal?

It's a back-to-school party, you dumb beezees. Everyone's coming.

Sara can even bring her D&D BFF, for all I care.

We're not even friends anymore.

And we didn't play D&D, it was Magic...

Uh, yes, Hayley?

Amoebas and stuff can split into two, right?

- Like, asexually? - That's right.

So, if that works, then why is sexual reproduction even a thing?

Uh, 'cause it's super fun.

Actually, that's a terrific question.

- What a Margaret. - Shyeah.

Hey, did you get 151? I'm trying to get real faded.

- Oh, me, too. - Me, too.

I'm going to get maybe even, like, double-faded.

Ooh, cold.

So, did you live at the hotel pool?

Huh?

You're just super tan.

From Mexico?

Oh.

- I guess. - It looks really good.

I'm not trying to roast you or anything.

Hey, did you write down the bio reading? I...

Sara. We're on different paths now, okay?

Okay.

So, can we just let that be?

You know, I'm moving forward.

No, yeah, I get it.

You want to focus on lacrosse and college.

Sure. Yeah. Uh, there's that.

I thought the sex thing wasn't a big deal?

Yeah, well, I've changed a lot this summer.

All right? My priorities are...

different, okay?

Hey, Sara.

It's pages 24 through 43. Skip the lab questions on 30.

- Hey, Skyler! - What's up, Skyler?

Hey, Sear-bear, I'm headed to class. You do your homework?

Did you do yours?

Zing!

Seriously, you do it yet?

That's what I'm talking about.

Ten thousand hours, baby, then you're gonna be a big-time CEO.

That's not even a real thing.

Are you wearing makeup?

No, I just moisturized.

It's called making an effort.

Okay.

Everything peachy in your world, baby?

Yup. Can you close the door, please?

All right. I'll get out of your hair. Be good.

Hey.

Hey.

I thought we could...

talk?

Huh?

Do you have a condom?

Just pull out.

I will.

Ow!

Ow!

Aah!

Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ouch! Ow!

Oh!

Felt so good.

Yeah. Amazing.

Did you pull out?

It's okay.

It's okay.

I'm sure it's...

Jesus!

I just came to see if everything was okay. Shit.

So...

is everything okay?

Yeah. Thanks.

Tegan's thigh gap is so much better than mine.

Pouty face.

Oh, my God, Ki, yours is amaze. And mine's only because of gymnastics.

God, I should join.

That's cray. It's, like, a really big commitment.

But I love it. Plus, my mom won't let me quit, so, who cares?

My thigh gap is such garbage...

Feeling better?

Mmm-hmm, I'm fine.

My favorite part was right before, when you were like,

"Oh, I love my boyfriend."

And then you totally barfed all over him.

Why are you so obsessed with me?

I'm... I'm not.

I'm just telling everybody the story because it's a super funny story.

Yeah, you're, like, the funniest one of our friends, Kiana.

Hey, Sara, uh, is everything cool?

Talk about mood swings. What are you, like, pregnant?

That'd be hilarious.

What are you guys doing this weekend?

Shopping, obviously.

Oh, thank Christ.

Sara! Welcome to the land of the living.

Sara!

W-T-Fuck!

W-T-Fuck!

I'm coming in. Hide your shame.

Okay.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

- Hey! - Hey, you.

I was just thinking about you.

I called you a bunch last night.

Yeah, I wasn't feeling awesome.

So, how are you feeling?

Uh, I'm okay.

Actually, now that you mentioned it...

I have been feeling really...

horny.

Wanna come over?

I'd love to, but I'm stuck with my mom all day. So lame.

I'll see you later. Kisses. Bye!

Hey, we're still going to Kiana's together, though, right?

- Hey, bitch. - Kiana, hey.

Oh, my God, shut up for a second. Did you hear?

Amy P got schwasted and hooked up with Joey C.

They did it in his Scion, so grody.

That's all DL, by the way. Amy's supes embarrassed about it

and made me promise not to tell anyone.

Also, she pegged him. So, what's up?

- So, why are you here? - Uh...

Hello?

Okay, I'm just trying to, like...

Like, where's Kiana? Aren't you guys, like, besties now?

I mean, I just thought you would help me, or whatever.

What?

Nothing. You just...

kind of totally ghosted me sophomore year.

What? I've seen you.

Whatever. Never mind.

Hayley, I'm really freaking here.

Sorry, it's just a lot to take in.

Shyeah.

It doesn't make sense. I saw you yesterday.

Puking my guts out. Morning sickness much?

Whatever's happening here is...

Completely batshit!

...gynecological.

You need to go to a hospital.

Hmm, veto. They'll call my mom.

Are you serious?

This is triage, Hayley.

Priority one, is keeping this quiet.

Priority two, is my health and general overall well-being.

Okay. So, you want a place that's confidential,

maybe knows a way around a freaky surprise pregnancy,

and hey, hopefully doesn't cost anything either, because why not?

We're all human beings in God's eyes!

It's not too late to turn around.

There is still time for forgiveness.

Don't make a decision you'll regret for the rest of your life!

Forgive this harlot, Lord, she knows not what she does.

Jesus loves you!

Bitch!

I guess those opium orgies really paid off, huh?

Okay, I told you it was my first time, so, stop slut-shaming me.

And sex is, like, a totally natural, healthy part of life, anyway.

Where is Skyler, anyway?

- You should call him... - Don't!

It's not Skyler.

That's the whole reason we broke up in the first place.

I wanted to wait.

Oh, that's probably good.

Skyler was always kind of a sleaze, anyway.

And cocky, and a douche.

Oh, my God, was it Joey C?

Is...

Hayley, it doesn't matter. Would you just lay off, please?

I just don't understand why you dragged me into this, instead of...

Mark?

I'm gonna get back to this questionnaire because it's slightly less invasive.

So, how far along are you?

A day.

And I know that sounds, like, super cray.

Sara, you didn't just go to sleep last night,

and wake up nine months pregnant.

It's pretty cray.

I'm so effed.

No. I'm sure Zack will still support you.

Not having this convo again.

Okay. I'm just, I'm just confused.

You know, I thought you wanted to wait for this sort of thing.

Isn't that the whole reason why you broke up with that man slut?

Skyler's not a man slut.

He was all tan.

Ugh.

He just got back from Mexico.

Mexico.

Wait. What is...

Um... Yeah. Um, okay.

I'll be right back.

I'm sure everything's fine.

I'm gonna go get a doctor.

I need you to look.

I hate you.

Whoa! Okay, that was way more butthole than I was expecting.

Don't be such a prude. Come on! Is it, like, crowning?

Ugh.

Oh!

What the hell!

I think that was a contraction.

You didn't tell me she was in labor.

How far apart are the contractions?

Aah!

Very close!

We need to do this now.

Richard. Richard...

Richard, I'm telling you,

there's something weird on that sonogram.

That's why I'm here.

Ew. No, no, no, no, can't she do it?

Yeah, there's, like, a lot of butthole.

Miss, I'm an OB-GYN.

There's nothing down here I haven't seen before.

Aah!

- What the hell was that thing? - Not a baby!

- No doy. - Yeah, no doy, no doy.

This is why you use a condom.

Oh, this is so not why you use a condom.

Holy shit!

Run!

Keys!

- What the shit was that? - Definitely not a baby!

Hey, Ruiz, we got a call in of a possible 217

at that clinic on Mesa Way. Think you can check it out?

Yeah, I'm on the south side. Uh, why can't Anderson get it?

It's his birthday.

So?

So, we got ice cream cake at the station.

If we don't eat it soon, it will melt.

Great.

Yeah, all right. I'm on it.

Oh, uh, save me a slice, yeah?

It's ice cream cake, Oscar.

What?

It's just, the swelling hasn't gone down yet.

That's not how it works. Is it?

- I don't know. I opted out of health. - Yeah, big surprise.

- Ew, ew, ew, ew! - What is happening?

What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?

Okay, okay. Uh, we should call the cops.

Okay, that's a good first idea. Let's keep brainstorming.

- Sara! - Oh, like they'd believe any of this.

And also, I'd prefer not to vag-cannon anyone else tonight.

It's called saving a life.

And they'll call my mom, yes.

Fine! Then we call Skyler right now.

What's plan "C"?

Dude, he knows something, remember? Mexico?

That was a brief lapse of xenophobia.

I don't want him getting involved in this. You don't understand.

Yeah. No, I don't.

He'll freak out, and I don't...

And, hi, the vag-cannon thing again.

Oh, whatever!

Okay, don't get huffy. We're still exploring.

Okay, okay, okay...

How tall's your staircase?

Wow.

We are really scraping the bottom of the idea barrel here.

How about we just slap you on the kitchen counter

and aim you at the Vitamix?

This better be the last time I see that butthole tonight.

Hello!

Sinners?

Sinner.

Nothing, just making smoothies.

Yes, I fed them.

Okay, love you, too.

It's not coming out.

Try pushing.

If I push any harder, I'm gonna shit on the counter.

Ugh.

I can't find anything about a Mexican pregnancy monster.

It's all just freaky Reddit threads.

Ew.

You know, I think if this is a thing people knew about,

we'd know. You know?

Sara, I forgot my books. Are you in the kitchen?

- Hayley. - Kate!

Hey!

Holy crap! Sweetie, give me a hug!

Oh, let me come to you!

Oh, I haven't seen you in forever and a day.

- Yeah. - You look so... Oh, my God.

You look like a grownup.

And you're doing that school thing, which is awesome.

Yes. Hospitality training. Gonna be a modern working woman.

Girl power.

- Where's Sara? - Bathroom.

Ha! Story of her life.

Oh, it is just so good to see you.

I know.

It is just...

It is so good to see you two hanging out again.

Yeah.

I don't know what is up with her lately, but she just seems kind of...

Uh...

- You know? - Really?

No.

I don't know.

I feel like I'm losing my sweet girl to this person I don't recognize.

I totally didn't notice.

Well, you've always had your head screwed on straight.

Sara's head is up her ass.

Well, I'm off.

Bye, Sara, be good.

Okay, she's gone for now, but we cannot stick around here forever.

- Any changes? - No, it's not coming out.

So, what do we do? Just, like, wait?

I can't just Juno around town with this thing.

We gotta get proactive.

Okay, um...

This says spicy foods can help.

Subsum Thai is open till 9:00.

Uh, wait, no, this is Yahoo! Answers.

We need actual science.

Oh, my God, we go see Dave.

No, come on. Dave?

I was leading this cabin tour once and one of the alpacas,

she was three weeks late, and Dave shot this stuff

into her that made her give birth.

Yeah, but that's an animal.

Exactly.

He's not gonna believe us.

Or, we could call the cops.

Yowser.

Hey, Dispatch, we're gonna need an ambulance.

And the coroner.

Just try not to leak on anything back there.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to ruin your stunning upholstery.

- Hey, I just thought of something. - Yeah?

We left that thingy in the clinic, right?

Uh-huh.

Well, like, oops, right? It could hurt more people.

Maybe he's...

dead.

Yeah.

But probably not, right?

Maybe he's just, like...

chillin' at the clinic.

Yeah.

But probably not, right?

Mmm.

Okay, let's deal with this guy, and then we'll go back.

Yeah, if we don't die, we will definitely go back.

Cool.

Dave.

- Hayley? - Hey.

Uh... Did I call you in?

No, but we kind of need your help.

Sara Steinberg?

Come out here! Let me take a look at you!

Ah...

So, Sara had sex with some guy and got pregnant overnight,

and we went to the clinic, but she gave birth to this weird thing,

and it exploded a doctor's head,

and controlled a nurse like a puppet with its stinger,

and now, she has another one inside of her,

and we need to get it out.

And we know that sounds super cray.

It's a parasite. A Dracunculus.

Or blood fluke or something.

Ugh! A blood fluke?

Yeah, it's a type of flatworm. This is hot.

So, I have worms?

No, no, no, no.

What you have is much freakier than that.

So, what kind of parasite can just hijack a human reproductive system?

Or a whole human, while we're at it.

I can consult my literature,

but I'm pretty sure I haven't heard anything like this before.

I mean, Sara, you may have discovered a whole new species.

Goodie.

This guy you got down with,

had he altered his routine at all?

Gone spelunking?

Eaten something gnarly? Been bitten by a rabid dog?

Well, he did just come back from Mexico.

Mexico?

Not in an ethnocentric way, or anything, but...

maybe lover boy came back with an illegal alien.

Whoa.

Whoa, indeed, caballero.

Whoa, indeed.

Whatever! You can get it out of me, right?

Probably.

Hey, I checked on that Steinberg address. No one was home.

Any news on that corpse?

Nope. Still dead.

- Holy shit. - It's still here.

I completely forgot about this. Do you think he knows?

Um...

Why did you stop coming?

Skyler. I totally spaced.

Hey, Boo.

You totally didn't respond to my text.

Are we rolling to Kiana's together, or not?

Oh, my God, I completely forgot, Sky.

We talked this morning.

I know, I just... I got this stomach bug, all of a sudden.

I miss you.

Yeah, yeah, it's fine. Whatever. Um...

I'm sorry you're sick.

Thanks.

It's just, I just really want to see you.

You know, and I want to kiss you.

And I want to be with you...

sexually.

Ah.

I just really want to see you tonight!

Yeah, I know, but I think it'll be out of my system soon.

I love you!

What?

I fucking love you, girl.

I love you.

Wow.

Okay, I get it. You're sick. Bye.

That was weird.

Huh.

He was just acting super weird. I don't know.

Sara, you gotta tell him.

Are you kidding?

We are almost home free. Why would I tell him?

Oh, my God, like, a hundred reasons!

How do we know that he still doesn't have something inside of him?

In his nards.

Uh, 'cause it's inside me now.

Okay, or how about the fact that the father should step up, maybe?

Why does Skyler get a free pass?

You're perpetuating some serious patriarchal bullshit.

This is not the time for a "free the nipple" uprising.

Sorry, but this all started with Skyler, right?

What am I missing?

You've never had a boyfriend. You wouldn't understand.

Ready?

You okay?

Uh, sure. I've just never done this on a human before.

Uh...

Sorry, it's gotta reach the uterus.

Uterotonic can induce contractions, and ultimately, labor.

Uh-huh.

Forty ccs.

A little more.

A little more.

Oh, baby.

Okay.

Here we go.

- Push! - I did!

Push harder!

Why didn't it work? Dave?

I don't know! It should have! It must have hung on.

You're saying it wants to stay inside?

The uterotonic, give me more!

- I can't. - Why not?

Because this is dangerous stuff.

And if I gave anymore, it would risk terminating the pregnancy altogether.

I realized what I said as soon as it came out of my mouth.

I'll get some more.

Why would it want to stay inside?

Maybe it's waiting for something.

For what?

The other guy?

Oh, fart.

Hey, me and Harris and Alyssa,

we're going down to Toto's for some margaritas.

- Ooh. - Whoo!

- Are you interested? - Oh, that sounds amazing.

But I think I'm gonna go home and get ignored by my daughter instead.

All right, well, I'm gonna go get drunk.

Okay. You have fun.

Be safe!

Hello?

What?

What?

She's what?

I can't believe you! I literally cannot believe you!

- Mom, it's not what you think! - After everything we talked about,

- you go and you have unprotected sex? - You're not listening!

- She did, but... - Stay out of this, Hayley.

- It was one time. - One's enough, Sara, obviously!

- Forget college. - Ma'am, uh...

Oh, you see these shows where the girl gets pregnant,

and the mom doesn't notice,

and you think, "How could you not notice?"

And here I am, and I didn't notice.

How could I not notice?

Ma'am, I need to ask the girls some questions about an incident.

Christ, Sear-bear. How could you do this to yourself?

Oh, you're one to talk.

Excuse me, young lady!

Don't "young lady" me. We're 15 years apart!

Yes, Sara, I was just like you, and I screwed up my life!

Okay, let's just downshift here for a second.

Ma'am, you wanna step out with me, please?

- But there's an alien... - An alien, right, I know.

I don't believe you.

- Hi. - Uh, hi.

You're being allowed in that room as a courtesy.

I have your daughter at the scene of a serious crime,

and what you're doing right now? It's not helping me.

- And it's definitely not helping your... - Don't.

Don't! You don't get to lecture me.

- I'm not lecturing you. - Who do you think you are,

Officer Ruiz? You're so off base here, it's crazy!

You know you're, like, not supposed to touch me, right?

This whole thing is effed.

Yeah.

It's kind of why I didn't want to involve cops in the first place.

It is not my fault my parents put a LoJack in my car.

I know. Just saying.

Sorry.

It's just...

my mom's so up her ass.

And, hey, where does she get off yelling at you?

She's really pulling a Water Zone 2010, huh?

"I went to get corndogs for you girls, and you disappear?

I had them checking the parking lot."

"Our home base was the towels!"

You're scared right now, okay? I get it.

This is so condescending. You have no idea what it's like.

I have a daughter, too.

She's in Tampa with her mom. She's only five.

But if I were in your shoes right now, I would also be freaking.

- Right. - But your daughter is scared, too.

And she's fabricating all of this alien stuff

because she doesn't want to be judged.

And the only way we're gonna get some answers tonight,

is if we approach the situation with understanding. Okay?

I'm gonna get a water. You want a water? I mean, your throat must be raw.

Hey, aren't you supposed to be helping Ruiz with those girls?

After a cigarette.

You know he said that two cigarettes ago, right?

Did I?

This guy...

Sara.

I was out of line before. I overreacted.

I just hate to see you making the same...

I'm sorry.

Do you want to tell me and this officer what happened?

I got pregnant.

And what I gave birth to...

was an alien.

Ay, Dios mío. What happened in that clinic?

- We've told you a million times! - I've got an unconscious nurse...

- It's exactly what she said! - ...a headless doctor, someone's

- facing serious charges... - I need everyone out for a second!

- But... - Out!

Let's go, you.

It's just you and me now, baby.

Now, I know you didn't hurt anyone,

and we'll get that sorted out.

But right now, I just wanna talk to you

about you.

- Whatever you're going through... - Mom, you have no idea

what you're talking about.

I know what this feels like. I went through the exact same thing.

- Mom... - I just wanna make sure

you're not punishing yourself.

Stop trying to help me!

I don't need an afterschool special!

This is fucking worlds apart from what you went through.

I'm not gonna end up all sad and lonely.

Just... Jesus! You make me want to scream!

Frankie, you okay?

Told ya.

Sir, are you aware there's a lobster on your neck?

Holding cell. Lock yourselves in.

Mom!

Wait! Don't come in!

- Dave? - Just don't look.

I got nervous and had to deuce it. Nobody look!

No one's gonna look.

What the hell's going on, Sara? What was that thing?

Okay, so, Sara had sex as you know, duh, whatever,

and then that thingy came flying out of her vagina like a T-shirt cannon

and started chasing us.

And there's a second one still inside Sara,

and the first one wants the second one for some reason. Got it?

Uh, no.

See, so, maybe you should have listened earlier.

You guys.

What? What's wrong?

That thingy can hop off and come in through the bars.

- We need a plan. - We don't even know what it wants.

I've been thinking about that, and I have a theory.

Don't look!

It's tracking you, right? Freaky-deaky stuff.

The question is, why?

Now, this thing and its brother are communicating from a great distance.

Some kind of sonar, like a bat.

Maybe radio waves.

Gamma waves.

No, it's radio waves. Probably radio waves.

Yeah, science, science, science. It already found us, Dave.

So, this guy inside of you is telling his buddy where you're at.

Why? Well, in the animal kingdom,

babies generally look to their mama for one thing.

It wants to breastfeed?

It more wants to feed, feed,

in general, on you.

Sorry.

But...

Way too long a pause, Dave.

The uterotonic is here.

- "Utero" what-what? - Mom, shut up.

Where?

Everyone ready?

Oh, my God!

Ew!

Oh, my God. You touched it! You touched it!

Hi.

What the hell are you guys doing here?

We were going to get the utero thingy to, um...

I'm not really sure I understand, actually.

That's funny.

Oh.

Oh!

There it is! Sick!

Give it at least 100 ccs, ladies.

What are you talking about?

Get to the evidence room.

- But... - Go!

Groovy.

Uh...

Shit!

Oh, God!

Shit!

Uh...

Go, go, go, go, go!

No!

Sara?

Sara?

You awake?

My mom.

I don't know.

We've got to go find her.

Yeah...

That's why we're here.

God, you're, like, good at this.

Like, really good at this.

It's just hand-eye coordination from gymnastics.

I hate it, but my mom makes me do it. Whatever.

Oh, wow.

She'll be right back.

- Blair. - Oh, hey.

- I told you to wait here for me. - I was...

I don't care what "you were just..."

- Kick-ass party, Kiana. - Thanks, Jess.

You're so fucking sweet. I love you so much.

Skyler bailed.

Sara obvi called him and told him to leave.

She's so jealous, it's insane.

Jealous of what?

Me and Skyler's friendship.

We're friends. We're really, really good friends.

Like, we could take a nap together, and it wouldn't mean anything.

You know what I mean?

- I... - But Sara doesn't get that.

I mean, what's her problem?

She's ruining his life. He should be here.

You should text him and tell him to come back.

Jesus, Blair, he's with Sara. Think before you speak.

- This is all so fucked! - Sky, can I please just talk to Hayley...

I just saw a bunch of dead cops, Sara, and I'm, like, freaking out!

And she's talking about aliens?

- It's complicated. I just need to... - This is, like, go to jail shit, Sara!

I need to know what's going on!

- We had sex... - Yeah.

...I woke up pregnant...

Oh, shit!

- Are you sure? - ...then I gave birth to, um...

an alien.

- Two aliens. - Yeah.

And they have my mom, and I don't know where they are...

and I don't know, maybe you...

like, know something?

What the fuck are you talking about?

I know this is so much to unload on you,

and I'm not blaming you or anything.

- But it is definitely your fault. - Hayley!

What's your whole thing, man? You think I'm an alien?

I don't know. That would make sense, right?

- You leave town and come back different. - Hayley, he's not an alien.

You said it yourself at Dave's, he's acting weird.

- Hayley! - What is she talking about?

- No, I was just... - Why are you defending him?

- I thought you wanted my help. - Oh, my God. Shut up!

Hayley,

can I please just have a second with him?

I don't know, Mother.

You know, maybe, maybe I like being single. Hmm?

You ever consider that?

After teaching all day, all I want to do

is just curl up with a book, a glass of milk,

and, and if I'm indulging, yes, a cookie.

Well, good for Florida.

You know, but here, in the real world, things are a little different.

I mean, it's not like I'm just gonna bump into the person

- I'm gonna spend the rest... - Oh!

Uh!

Oh, I... I am so sorry.

- I will pay for this. - Damn it.

No pets allowed, young lady.

That's not a pet.

Oh, my God! No!

Hayley's just, like, looking out for me.

It's cool.

Yeah. So...

like...

do you know anything?

- No! Obviously! - Yep.

- What are you doing? - I'm consoling you.

No, seriously. Something is going on with you.

I'm just trying to be supportive!

You need to tell me what happened in Mexico.

Nothing. I just chilled, poolside, did that bullshit Spanish assignment,

- sipped piña coladas. - That's it?

- What is that thing? - It's a souvenir thing.

It's nothing, okay? You're just overreacting.

I'm just trying to help.

I know. I just...

I wanted you to have answers.

I'm going to get you some tissues.

He's trying to help.

That piece of shit. I knew it.

You called him out on that thing, and he freaked.

It's got to mean something.

Wow.

You really heard everything, huh?

It was a really thin door.

So, what do we do?

He mentioned his summer homework, whatever.

Right...

Señorita Thompson thinks he has dyslexia,

so, he's allowed to make a video essay, I don't know.

Oh, so, maybe there's something about that thing on his computer.

Yeah. That's what I'm looking for.

Yeah, no, I...

Yeah.

Just get it together, bro. Just gotta get out of Dodge.

You're fine.

...favorite hits.

That was the Funkosexuals with "Let's Funk."

Stick around, this next one is guaranteed

to get you all moist.

...mattress so soft and warm...

Mmm.

...Pondering Mind on KCEW. With me today,

is novelist, poet, political activist, and former adult film star...

Aah! Come on!

Yeah, there's nothing in his dad's study, either.

- Just a bunch of signed U2 posters. - You couldn't leave it alone, could you?

Just, just needling him. Jesus!

What are we talking about right now?

My mom's out there somewhere with fucking aliens, Hayley,

and you just scared off our only chance of finding her.

Hold up. You're blaming me?

You kept going after him. What did you expect to happen?

Sara, Skyler left because he couldn't man up and take responsibility.

But we'll figure this out, okay?

How? How do we fix this?

I don't know, but we can...

I don't know. We'll, we'll...

Skyler was the answer,

- and now, he's gone, and it's ruined. - That's why...

Forget Skyler. We have made it this far by ourselves, right?

- We will find a solution. - Oh, my God.

Are you, like, so naive

that you think we're just going to go back to being best friends?

Is that why you've been trying to break me and Skyler up?

So, you can, like, win me back?

What are you talking about? This is insane!

I have spent this whole night trying to help you!

And you love it, every second of it,

making me feel like shit.

"This is why you wear a condom.

You really should make better life choices."

Well, you should. Sorry.

You understand this is why we're not friends, right?

We're not friends because you ditched me sophomore year,

when you got boobs before me.

No, we're not friends 'cause you're a judgy bitch.

I'm going to be honest with you because you can't do it for yourself.

If you were not so obsessed with keeping your fake-ass world spinning

and had one ounce of self-respect,

this whole night would've never happened,

and your mom wouldn't be dead.

I don't need this shit.

You found it.

The...

Waiting on this idiot driver.

It's locked, so...

My brother does, like,

tech stuff for this home security company now.

You think he'd help?

Okay.

Thanks.

Car's outside.

Madre Vista Police Department.

Well, if it isn't the two biggest nerds in Madre Vista.

You literally have tape on your glasses.

Yeah, on the side. It's different.

- Oh, okay. - Oh, okay.

- Oh, okay. - Oh, okay.

- Idiot. - Idiot.

- Who's is it? - Jerome.

My ex's.

Mmm-hmm.

Revenge.

Tell me about this dude. He's your year?

Yeah, Skyler Cole.

Ugh. Sounds like a douche.

- Water polo? - Lacrosse.

Hmm.

Are you hacking into it?

No, I'm guessing his password.

Usually, some combo of "farts" and "boobs" and...

Yeah, "boobfart69."

Oh, shit. Okay.

Oh. Uh, wow. Whoa!

Oh, shit. Shit.

That was pornography.

Oh, my God.

Hola, Señorita Thompson, from Mexico.

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart

for allowing me to do this extra credit assignment.

Despite my crippling dyslexia,

I deserve an "Ah" in your class.

I know.

Oh!

Chilling poolside. My lame-ass dad.

Some piña coladas.

Emilio. Chicken fingers.

Let's just...

Wait!

...tic, Mayan sword. A macuahuitl.

It was basically used by the ancient Mayans

to fight off their enemies, not only physical,

but also spiritual.

The lady my dad bought this from says it possesses great power,

maybe even derived from an ancient spirit.

My God.

It's leading me. I can't control it.

- Skyler, what the fuck are you doing? - Whoa!

Get out of here!

- Sorry. - Get out!

Come on! I'm taking a shit.

It's going away. It's going away.

This guy...

Whoa! Whoa! Um...

I can't...

Uh, Dad, I really can't control it! I can't control it!

Give it to me!

Wait.

My parents dragged me to this museum of anthropology,

so, here I am,

learning during the summer, like an idiot.

As you can see, this room is filled with various artworks

of an expressive nature.

Some of which, anthropologists believe to be devoted to fertility.

Most Mayans...

This is the most amazing art I've ever seen.

...we have several pieces here

that were carved in stone.

The Mayans were geniuses,

and this is in a museum.

I mean, the level of detail.

Whoa!

Now, I'm Mayan, too.

- Ooh! Yeah! Whoo! - No.

Fuck.

Okay, okay, okay.

Okay...

That's okay. That's okay...

Now, if you can exit this way...

Oh, my God.

Oh, Lord.

Psst!

Thank you. Thank you, Officer.

- It's inside? - I don't know. I don't know.

All right. That's okay. Can you tell me what happened in there?

I mean, I hid until the...

I just... I'm a little frazzled.

Okay.

Um...

Is there anything you want to tell me before I go in there?

I'll never forget the screams.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, that's not great.

What the hell is that?

I think this thing says your baby boy is growing up.

Great.

- What's next, Skyler? - Go sit down.

Your mother and I are not ready.

Oh, another one.

They're fighting each other?

Wait.

They're not fighting.

- They're... - Fucking.

I...

I think it's a girl.

- She's gonna get... - Pregnant.

This is gonna spread.

But whoever drew these things beat the thingies

because they were alive at the end, right?

They made this IKEA manual for how to win.

If there's any more drawings...

Oh! There!

Don't love that.

No.

The female's turning into a giant spider thingy,

and our only solution is to, like, torch everything and kill everyone?

My mom doesn't stand a chance.

The girl is turning into a spider monster thingy.

If it's in its cocoon, it's parked somewhere.

And if we find the cocoon, we find your mom.

And we just kill these thingies before they F. Boom.

Yeah, but how are we supposed to find the cocoon?

Shit! Aah!

Damn it, that burned. That burned. That burned, that burned.

Interesting.

Yes, it has, sir. Thank you very much, Mr. Harrington.

So...

there have been a few alarms that have gone off tonight.

Some around the clinic, some around that farm,

and some at the police station.

- Told you. - But...

there haven't been any in the past few hours.

What the hell?

Is that normal for this time of night?

Yeah. Totally. I mean...

- Yeah. - What?

Nothing. Nothing.

- What was it, you idiot? - It's nothing!

There's just one place that hasn't set their alarm at closing,

and they usually do.

Sorry, the store's closed. Please just never call here again.

Hello?

Hello?

- Oscar? - Sara?

You're alive?

Yeah. You, too. Yay!

- Wait, is that the cop from the barn? - Shut up, Jerome!

- Who's Jerome? - It doesn't matter.

- Is my mom there? - Is your mom there?

- Wait, what? - She's not there with you?

Oh, no, she's, uh...

We'll take my car. If we do this, we go hard.

I can't have you guys chickening out at the last second.

Oh, you two little shits!

Just so you know, I wasn't gonna shoot the propane. Bad idea.

I didn't even know that you were in there, obviously, because the...

But it wouldn't have killed her.

It wouldn't have killed her.

She's gonna be okay.

What the hell?

No, I don't understand.

Those things are out there...

and they're gonna F, and we're screwed.

You work your whole life to get into college,

and then the world just...

ends!

And it doesn't even matter.

Oh, my God.

I have never been to Japan.

Holy shit!

What do these thingies need to complete their life cycle?

"High School Hottiez"?

- They need people to F, right? - Right.

Okay, so, we know they're looking for sex. A lot of sex.

They're out there right now,

sniffing around for pheromones or gamma rays or whatever,

all leading to, like...

- An orgy? - Yeah! Kind of.

Where are we gonna find an orgy in Madre Vista?

You mean like a big, sweaty group of people,

ready to go to the bone zone?

Kiana's party!

There's a party?

Oh.

- Yeah. Sorry. - No, it's cool.

But, oh, shit, Kiana's party. That's gotta be it.

We don't have a lot of time.

If the whole party gets gassed,

we'll have 100 Skyler-level horndogs making 200 thingies and...

Math will happen.

So, the plan is, get to Kiana's...

Evacuate the party.

- Take out the thingies. - Stop the baby gas.

- Save my mom. - Save the world.

Shit, yeah.

Wait, wait, wait!

- What? - One sec.

Your butt's kind of hanging out.

Oh.

Thanks.

- Shall we? - Yup.

Okay.

Uh...

Aliens!

Aliens are coming!

Uh...

Cops!

Cops! Yes!

Guys, guys, we gotta bail. 5-0 rolling up any minute.

No, they're not.

The neighbors have been calling them all night,

but they haven't shown up yet.

Probably 'cause they're busy jerking it.

Cody, shut the fuck up!

Okay. All right, yeah, they're not coming.

Because they're all dead!

Whoo!

No, just...

Everyone needs to get out of here. Where's Kiana?

You idiot.

- Did you finish? - How about knocking, asshole?

- Sara? - Did you finish?

- I thought you weren't coming. - I don't care, Kiana!

Skyler, did you finish?

No, Sara, I didn't finish, all right, so, can you get out?

Oh!

What the hell, Sara?

Okay, seriously, everyone needs to get out of here...

What are you doing? You're being a crazy person.

He doesn't like you, Kiana.

He's just turning into some kind of sex freak.

Come on, this energy is so right.

Let's just do it! In front of everyone!

You are all junked up with alien sex gas, you idiot.

Hi. Who the fuck are you again?

She's with me.

Forget about them. Kiana...

I love you!

Fine!

Sara, babe, I'm sorry.

Let's just do it.

It'll be like old times. In front of all of these people.

This is why we broke up in the first place!

I'm sick of begging!

Somebody better fuck me right...

Oh!

Skyler!

Okay, truth bomb.

I had sex for the first time the other night.

Okay, yeah, whatever! The point is, I gave birth tonight.

Yeah!

And what I gave birth to was fucking aliens.

100% not playing.

Okay? So, seriously, everyone needs to clear out

because they are coming...

right...

now!

Ugh.

Kiana.

Now, I'm gonna have to kick your ass.

What's up, man?

Whoa.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Just so you know, I had no idea about Skyler,

and I really value our friendship.

I'm too high to move!

Whoa

Um...

Hayley!

Hayley?

So, what's our plan?

Save my mom, save the world.

You're not going by yourself. You could die.

Maybe.

But I'm the one who started all this.

Sara!

Mom!

Sara?

I'm so sorry, Mom.

Oh, Sear-bear, you have nothing to be sorry about.

Uh...

Uh...

Okay.

Let's just...

Okay, okay.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Aah!

Aah.

Plan B.

- 'Sup? - 'Sup?

I'm just saying, you deserve a little more vacation.

Okay, Daddy? Take a few days.

Take a week even. I'll be fine.

Take a month.

No, I know you can't actually take a month.

My gymnastics career is ruined.

My mom is gonna be so angry.

Is it over?

Hey, hey. Is it over?

Oh.

- Hey. - Hi.

Listen, uh, do you wanna go out with me?

Yeah.

- Yeah? - Oh, yeah.

I realize this is probably an awkward time to be doing this.

Also, I crashed my car. It's kind of hard to drive with one eye.

So...

- This is what parties are like. - Yeah.

But the monsters are usually way bigger.