Original subtitles

To open up Southern California's biggest rock 'n' roll memory bank...

...just dial the combination on your radio, 97.5 KHEY-FM.

From the greatest oldies to the most unforgettable classics...

...your rock 'n' roll memories are safe with us.

97.5 KHEY-FM.

K- Hey, Southern California!

Mr. Simpson, just a severe sprain. In fact, it's kind of a minor miracle.

But we'd like you to stay for observation.

Thank you, doctor. That's good to hear, but I really have to go.

Excuse me.

Mr. Simpson, this precaution is for your own good.

Thank you, doctor, thank you. Hey, nice talking to you.

Excuse me.

- Mr. Simpson? Doug Simpson? - Yes.

I'm Detective Nyland. This is Sergeant Stockdale.

We'd like to ask you a few questions.

What for, guys? No one got hurt here but me. I really have to go.

Well, I'm afraid that won't be possible. We have to have a statement.

I can't press charges against myself.

Look, you either talk to us here, or you talk to us downtown.

Here. Here's good.

97.5 KHE Y-FM.

K- Hey, Southern California!

Okay, Mr. Simpson, tell us, how did all this start?

For the past 10 years, I've been manager of KHE Y Radio.

I've also been raising my two daughters since my wife died...

...and doing pretty good at both jobs, if I have to say so myself.

- So? - So, what if our ratings have slipped?

What's wrong with being number six?

Ninety-two other stations in this town would love to be number 6.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Bye.

Loved the way you handled that.

I love the radio business, love you.

I don't care if we're number 6 or number 60. I'm sticking with you.

Why are we talking numbers, huh?

The only number I'm interested in today is 15.

My little girl's 15th birthday. And I am going home.

And well you should be.

- Pitch, pitch. - I like a little flat. It's hip.

97.5 KHE Y-FM.

From B.B. King to Buddy Holly...

...we shake, rattle and roll 24 hours a day.

Yeah, it should have been one of the happiest days of my life.

But I didn't see it coming.

Maybe I should have seen it coming. Maybe I didn't want to see it coming.

No father sees it coming.

Dad?

Honey?

Go, Dad, go!

Daddy, you're only 37.

Kareem is 41, and he does this every night.

Well, Kareem's got Magic passing to him. Look who I've got.

Let's clean this kitchen. Simpson's System on the double.

Yes, sir.

Where's Katie? Katie! Katie!

Hi, Dad.

Come on, come on, there you go.

Take it easy.

Gee, working hard.

Well...

Happy birthday.

- Dad, I already have a teddy bear. - Well, I know, but it's pretty beat-up.

I mean, it was for your first 15 years, and this is for your next 15.

- Thanks, Dad. - Happy birthday.

And now, for your real present.

Europe.

Oh, Dad...

I've been doing some thinking...

...and I'm not sure I want to go on the school trip this summer.

Oh, you're kidding. Why?

Well, you're gonna be all alone. I mean, who's gonna take care of you?

Bonnie's too young. Well, there's Janet, but...

Come on, Katie. Now, stop worrying about me and forget about Janet.

This is your life we're talking about, right? Come on, sit down.

Look, I'd love to take that ticket and tear it right up.

Keep you right here this summer.

But you have to go. It's important. I mean, it's Europe.

The Eiffel Tower, Piccadilly Circus. And the canals in Venice.

And Roma. Go find out where spaghetti was born.

Dad, spaghetti was invented in China. Marco Polo brought it back to Italy.

Yeah? Well, what about the meatballs, Miss Straight-A Student?

Let's get Schwarzenegger, Jr.

Hey, Richard, let's go. Get over here, pronto.

- Big night tonight, Mr. Simpson. - You don't want to miss it.

Happy birthday. Did you get my flowers?

- Yeah, Richard. You didn't have to. - Okay, let's go.

I love you.

Okay, let's move it. Simpson's System. Katie, on the double.

Is there something wrong with your sister?

- What am I, my sister's keeper? - Funny.

Don't move. I'll be right back.

Excuse me.

Richard, Richard, take it easy. You'll hurt yourself.

Check you later, dude.

Well, what's with you?

First, you make me bring you to this crazy place, then you flake out.

Yeah, what fun, dancing with my daddy.

They don't know I'm your daddy. They just think you like old men.

Suck it up, pal.

- Dad, do you think I'm pretty? - Of course I do.

You're saying that because you're my father.

- That's not true. - Okay.

Am I as pretty as her?

Dad!

Dad!

- Daddy! - I saw that.

- Happy birthday, baby. - Hi.

- Sorry I'm late. Don't worry. - Okay.

Where were you? You missed blowing out the candles.

The fabric did not come in. I had to redesign half the fall collection.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

- It's okay. I forgive you. - Thanks.

It's the first time you missed it, though, since she's 12 years old.

- Oh, God. - Believe it? Three years already.

- Three years? Us? - Yeah.

- How was the party? - It was great. Really good.

I guess she didn't tell you about Richard, then?

- What about Richard? - It's okay.

Just get yourself a double Kahl�a punch. Take a deep breath.

- A double? - A double. It's okay.

I'm waiting.

Daddy, I've been going steady with Richard since elementary school.

I think it's about time I started dating other guys.

Katie, come on, you don't really mean that.

How could you do that to Richard? He's practically part of our family.

Dad, that's the problem.

We're more like brother and sister than boyfriend and girlfriend.

There's just no passion in our relationship.

Katie, you and Richard, you're just 15. Passion comes later.

Much later. Way later.

Daddy, I'm breaking up with Richard. There's just no magic between us.

Dad, I understand how you feel, but he's still your friend.

And if you want to see him, it's all right.

Just let me know when he's coming, so I can make myself scarce.

One more, please. Less pineapple.

I'm only gone for a little while. While I'm gone, be careful because...

They're out there.

Now, you behave yourself. I know what those wild radio conventions are like.

- Yeah, don't bring home anything. - Hey, you, hey.

Knock it off. I'm supposed to say those things.

Just what I need, more women in my life.

- I need more women in my life. - Come on, come on. Let's go.

- Hey, take care of my girls. - I will.

One, two, three.

We love you.

- Bye. - Come on.

Well, so you're sure you want to go through with it?

I never wanted anything more in my life.

Okay.

- Here we go. - Yeah!

You know, these braces are not due to come off for another two months.

Yank them, doc.

Now.

Excuse me. Simpson. We have an appointment.

A wash and a rinse?

Then send her to Felipe.

Felipe!

It's okay. Thank you.

How do they feel, Katie?

Higher.

Higher.

Not that high.

Take it easy.

I'm home.

- Hi, sweetheart, could you get that? - Okay.

- Hi, Daddy. - Hi, baby. Happy to be home.

Hello. I'm not sure. Hang on one second.

- Katie, it's for you. - I'm on the phone. Take a message.

Katie can't come to the phone right now. Can I take a message?

Mark? Right. Okay, Mark, I'll tell her you called. Bye-bye.

Hello? Hold on.

- Katie, it's for you. - She told you. She's on the phone.

Katie can't come to the phone right now. Can I take a message?

Okay, Bob. Yeah, I'll tell her.

Bob, do you know that Katie has her own phone?

It's been busy for two hours? Oh, sorry, Bob. Bye.

Hang on.

What's going on here?

- Hi. Is Katie ready yet? - Ready for what?

Andy? I'll be right down.

Dad?

- Well, isn't it great? Janet helped me. - Isn't she beautiful, Doug?

Doug?

Dad, say something.

Doug?

- Oh, well, we gotta go. - Yeah.

- See you later. - Okay.

- Bye, Daddy. - Have a good time.

- Okay. Bye-bye. - Bye.

Doug, what do you think?

Dad, what do you really think?

What do I really think? Who was that kid?

- Andy, from down the street. - No, no, no. The one in the skirt.

She cannot stay a little girl forever. She is growing up.

This did not happen overnight. It's been coming on for months.

- She asked me to help her. - You didn't have to.

What? If I didn't help her, someone else would.

- You can't stop life from happening. - Well, I can sure slow it down a bit.

- Oh, yeah, how? - How? Total control. Total control.

No boy comes here and takes my daughter out...

...unless I know who he is, where he lives, who his parents are...

...what they do for a living, where they go, for how long...

...and who they're gonna be with. Total control.

- That's brilliant, Doug. Good luck. - Total! Total!

Dad! Door!

Oh, Brian. Nice of you to stop by.

I know you're the best running back in the history of Wheeler High...

...and I'd sure hate to run into you in a dark alley.

But two speeding tickets in one year. I'm sorry.

Get hold of yourself.

- Hello. - Mr. Simpson, is Katie there?

- Katie? - Yeah.

Brian, no, Katie can't come to the phone now.

Brian, stop crying.

I'm home.

Get the phone.

I got the phone.

Get the door. Total control. The door.

Take a message.

- My name is Steve. - Total.

- Hi. Tom. - Total control.

- Hello. This is Paul. - Hi, I'm Will.

Dad! Door!

My name is Bobby.

Hi, I'm Doug.

- Hi, Mr. Simpson. - Look...

...before you say anything, I want you to know I marched in Selma in 1967.

I was the third guy pulled out of the lunch counter in Montgomery in 1968.

I have no idea what you're talking about, sir.

I'm here to deliver your water. I'm your new Sparkletts man. Leroy!

Leroy.

I guess I had that coming.

- Kyle. - Mickey.

- I'm Perry. - I'm Sonny.

- My name's Ted. - Lyle.

- Vestor. - Hi, I'm Stoker.

That's it.

Twins.

Total.

Total control.

Doug, those are the new ratings.

We're down to number 9 and sliding. I don't know what the hell's happened.

Well, what's wrong with being number 9?

Why are we talking numbers?

Eighty-nine other stations would love to be number 9.

You have your finger on the pulse of the kids.

Now, come up with something, like the competition.

A sex therapy talk show. Date with a rock 'n' roll star.

- Topless bikini beach contest. - That's a great idea.

But not for us.

Mr. Simpson, I finally got through on that important phone call. It's line 4.

Thank you, Martha. Excuse me.

I think the market's hot on Gypsy music.

Bonnie, what's happening? Who called?

- No one, Dad. It's really quiet here. - Well, quiet's good, right?

Not that kind of quiet. Strange quiet. Eerie quiet.

Why would all the calls stop? It's like she doesn't live here anymore.

Oh, she lives here, all right. At least till Sunday.

- She's got a date for the beach. - Oh, well. Anything else happen?

- Well, I did see her report card. - What?

An A-minus in English. A B-plus in American history.

And a B, no plus, in geometry.

Dad, I'll bounce back in finals. I always do.

I won't make a big deal out of this, but let me leave you with one thought.

A mind, a good mind, is a terrible thing to waste.

So's a good body.

Funny. So funny I forgot to laugh.

You know something? When a father gets close to his kids...

...I mean, too close, nature has a way of helping the father out.

The kids become really obnoxious.

Thanks a lot.

I didn't say anything about your marks. It's all over town.

Oh, sure. Remember, some day this'll be happening to you.

- It can't be. - Better not be.

- Dad? - I'm here...

...because I want a date with my daughter.

I'm willing to wait in line like everyone else.

- Dad, that's very cute. - No, no, I don't...

Look in that book, Bonnie, and make a commitment.

- Listen, how's Thursday? - Dad, I'm busy. I'm sorry.

- Friday? - Dad, I can't.

- Saturday? - Dad, I'm sorry.

Sunday? Sunday, please? Give me Sunday. I want Sunday.

What am I doing Sunday?

- Okay. Okay. Cancel it. - Oh, thank you. Thank you.

- Dad, I gotta go. - No, wait, wait, wait.

- Who was that? - Him.

- Him who? - Oh, some kid. His name's Joey.

I didn't meet any Joey. How come I didn't meet him? You know the rules.

Katie was afraid you'd frighten him. He's shy. He's an artist, kind of.

- What do you mean, he paints? - No, he's a musician.

- What kind of musician? Rock? - I don't know.

- Classical? - I don't know.

- Rhythm and blues? - I don't know.

What do you mean? Why don't you know? Be specific.

What are you here for? Why am I paying you?

Guys and girls, it's chow time.

- Where have you been? - You're lucky I made it back.

There's a hamburger for you. And a hot dog for Miss Bonnie.

- Wait a minute. Where's Katie? - She's in the water.

- Don't eat. - She'll be right back, Doug.

No, no, no, no. This is my Sunday. We eat together.

Don't eat.

Junk food's best when eaten hot.

You're absolutely right.

Katie! Katie!

Hi, Dad.

Who was that boy? Was that that Joey kid?

The kid with the flying saucer truck? I saw the earring.

You couldn't make a date with me. You had to sneak a boyfriend in?

When I broke the date, he thought I was dating some other guy.

He followed me here.

Men are so insecure.

- Hi, Katie. - Hi.

Would you stop bouncing, please? And for God's sake, cover yourself.

Here, put this on.

Dad, I'm dressed like everyone else. What's the matter with you?

You're acting like every man on this beach is after my body.

- After my body. - After my body.

What are you looking at? Get back to your blankets.

- Get off my case, you old blob. - Yeah, get out of the way.

"Old blob"? "Get out of the way"? Come here. Come here.

- Dad! - Run for your life! Help!

Dad?

- Doug? - Run!

Dad!

Dad!

Dad!

Dad!

I wouldn't have hurt him.

Not that he didn't have it coming, the little creep.

I mean, I know exactly what was on his dirty little 12-year-old mind.

After all, I was 12 years old once myself.

That's what Janet didn't understand when she told me...

...to seek psychiatric help before it was too late.

Janet was never a 12-year-old boy.

Look, I've read a little Freud, Adler, Jung, and that book...

What's it called, You're Okay, I'm Okay?

I'm not stupid.

I went to college for a year and a half. Almost two.

So when Janet said "irrational," I think she meant "abnormal. "

What do you think?

The word that comes to my mind is "normal. "

Really?

You see, Mr. Simpson, you're standing in the center of a sexual explosion.

There are 9.5 million women in the U.S. Between the ages of 15 and 19.

And approximately 47 percent of those young women...

...have already had sexual intercourse.

Wait a minute, then. That leaves 53 percent who are still virgins.

And thank God my Katie's one of those.

Not necessarily, Mr. Simpson.

You see, 97 percent of that 53 percent are just lying about it.

Well, God, doctor, what's happening to these girls?

It's boys that are happening to these girls, Mr. Simpson.

Do you have any idea how often the average teenage boy...

...thinks about sex in a day?

I don't know, 15, 20 times a day?

Six hundred and fifty-two times in one day.

Look, doctor, I don't want to see my Katie get hurt.

She's not ready to deal, emotionally...

...with what's happening to her, physically.

She won't have to.

With my help, if you choose to take it...

...you both have a good chance of getting through this difficult period.

Oh, I hope so.

Just trust me, Mr. Simpson.

Now, the first thing that you have to do is read this.

"Daddy's Little Girl: A Guide to Raising Your Teenage Daughter...

...by Dr. Herman Fishbinder. " That's you.

It's in its fifth printing.

Coming out in paperback in June.

- Nice picture. - Thank you.

Start at the beginning. Read it carefully.

It just possibly has all the answers to your problems.

But you can call me any hour of the day, if you have a question.

Thank you. Thank you, Dr. Fishbinder.

- Oh, just one more thing. - Yeah?

Just in case you're a slow reader, better put your daughter on the pill.

What?

Right away.

"Taking responsibility for the sexual education of your daughter.

Don't count on your daughter getting a good sexual education in school.

Don't count on her to be frank with you...

...about the first sexual stirrings within her. " What can I count on?

"But if your daughter should ask you a question about sex...

...discuss it with her in a calm, rational and nonthreatening manner.

For suggested responses, see appendix C."

"Five hundred years ago a boy 16 years old...

...would come to your door with a flock of sheep. "

Oh, sweetheart. I didn't hear you come in.

Dad, I have had the most wonderful...

...glorious, fabulous time of my life.

Oh, that's terrific. Maybe sometime we'll talk about it.

- Dad? - Yes?

I was wondering if we could talk about it now?

Oh, now? Sure.

What am I here for, huh? Come on, let's sit down.

Here you go.

If you're really interested in a guy...

I was wondering, well...

When do you know when it's the right time to...?

When do you know when it's right to have...?

Katie...

...500 years ago a boy 16 years old would come to the door...

...with a flock of sheep.

And he'd ask for your hand in marriage.

You'd have kids by 16 and be dead by 23.

That was the average life span then.

I mean, today, with vitamins and organ transplants and penicillin...

...you'll probably live to be 90.

So at 15, even though you're feeling this biological urge...

...by the way, which is normal and healthy...

...medical science and God has given you time, has allowed you...

...a lot of time to make this kind of a decision.

And when it happens, it'll be special.

It'll be beautiful.

So don't rush it.

I hope I've shed some light on this subject for you.

Yeah, Dad. I know what to do now.

Wait a minute now.

Would you mind telling me what that might be?

To make my own decisions.

And never, ever ask my dad a question...

...he doesn't have the guts to answer. Night, Dad.

What's going on? You call me at 3, 4, 5 in the morning.

- I have a patient to see. - Something happened.

- Something wrong with the book? - Oh, no. The book was right.

This is my problem.

My daughter asked me a question, and I couldn't handle it.

- Of course, you know what question. - Oh, yes.

What father can answer such a question? I was set back a bit.

I'm okay because I kept on reading the book, and I came to chapter 15.

The mother substitute. A friend, a girlfriend, a lover...

...someone who can fill the absence of the original mother.

Yes. Exactly. Now, I have one of those.

- And better yet, I love her. - So move her in.

Move her in.

- Well, yeah, yeah. - Don't the children like her?

Yes, they do. They don't love her the way I love her, but they love her.

- So? - It's just that you don't know Janet.

I don't think I could just move her in. I'd probably have to marry her.

- Do you have a problem with that? - Marriage? I don't know.

I've done it once before, and it changes everything.

It's a big step.

Mr. Simpson, maybe the problem you have is not between you...

...and your daughter, but between you and Janet.

- So would you like to talk about that? - No, I have no problem with Janet.

Then take charge. Act now.

- Hello. - Doug?

Oh, Jeff, how are you?

Are you crazy? You never came back to the office today. What happened?

I had to do some shopping. Some very heavy shopping.

Doug, the overnights are in.

We're down to 12.

Our asses are sinking into the sunset.

Stop shopping.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Okay, hold it right there. - What?

- You look beautiful. You look terrific. - Oh, thank you.

Perfect...

...for what I'm about to do. - No, don't start Doug.

It took me an hour to get into this dress...

...and I'm not gonna take it off now.

Champagne wishes and caviar dreams.

I always wanted you to do this.

- You didn't have to, you know? - Oh, I know.

That's why I did it, because I love you.

- Would you help me put it on? - Oh. Allow me.

- Bingo. - I love you. I love you.

- I love you. I love you so much. - Easy. Your makeup, your dress.

I don't care about that. All I care about is you and me right now.

We're going to dinner, and then we'll have a good...

- What are you doing with your hand? - What does it feel like I'm doing?

- Come on, get out of there, little fella. - Little fella?

Sex, sex, sex. I mean, is that all women think about?

I mean, wouldn't it be nice if we waited at least until you said yes?

Yes. Yes. I say yes.

- Yes. - Now, now, wait.

Okay, all right, look. Please, would you stop?

What?

I've got a lot on my mind. It's a big decision I made today.

We've got the rest of our lives to make love. Pace yourself.

You're right.

Okay.

Where are you going now?

I don't know.

I guess I'll take a cold shower and start all over again.

A shower.

Well, I did it.

And, hey, I love her. I love her. Katie.

I love her. I love her.

I'll get it.

- Hello? - Katie? Who is this?

Hey, does it matter? Does it really matter?

Who the...?

Doug?

Sweetheart?

- Hello. - Hi, honey.

I'm very sorry, but while you were in the shower, I got a call.

There's an emergency. I'll be at the radio station for most of the night.

I'll call you as soon as I can. I love you.

And remember, the ring is real.

It's real.

Better be real.

- Your name, sir. - Well, see, I'm not really invited.

I'm a patient of Dr. Fishbinder's.

It's very important that I see him.

Are you on medication?

- No, no. - Remain in the vehicle, sir.

Dr. Fishbinder, please.

- Yes? - Dr. Fishbinder, this is Doug.

I know. I recognize the breathing. How'd you get this address?

I told the service it was an emergency.

They're fired! Take it easy, Mr. Simpson.

- I have to see you. - That's impossible. I'm having a party.

But I can see you. Just talk to the camera.

And I'm right here.

Dr. Fishbinder, I called home, and a strange voice answered.

I think it was that boy, Joey. I want to break that little...

Now, take it easy, Mr. Simpson. This is actually good news.

Remember chapter 25, Befriend the Enemy?

If your daughter goes out with a boy you find obnoxious, never say...

...anything negative about him. That will drive her straight into his arms.

Instead, make yourself pals of the boy...

...and soon your daughter will see him as you do.

- Are you sure? - Oh, no, I'm not sure.

That's why I have a Rolls-Royce, a home in Bel Air...

...and a house in the south of France. Of course I'm sure.

Now, act natural. You're one of them.

Remember, tonight that boy must be your best friend.

Hi, kids. Playing charades?

Let me guess. The Garden of Eden?

No, no. Dirty Dancing.

Dad, I'm sorry. We found your old 45s...

...and Joey wanted... We thought they were funny and...

Katie, Katie, no need to explain to me.

I did the same thing when my parents were out.

And when you guys have kids, they're gonna do the same thing to you.

Isn't that what life is all about?

Oh, my God, Katie, you have the coolest dad.

You're so lucky, Katie. Your dad is, like, killer.

Oh, well...

Dad, this is Joey.

Oh. Joey.

Pleasure to meet you.

Nice to meet you. I was just leaving.

Wait a minute, Joey. Don't go yet. The night is young.

Come on, take your shades off. Let your hair...

Never mind. You want oldies?

I got oldies. Let me play some for you.

Now, this one was banned in Boston. Okay?

The funny part is, the kids didn't know how dirty it was...

...until it was banned.

It just goes to show you how uptight some parents can be.

I'm out of here. See you.

Joey, wait a minute. Joey, wait, wait.

Leaving so soon?

This is a very strange scene, Mr. Simmons.

It's Simpson. Just like my daughter. What's so strange?

How you're handling this whole thing. It's just a little too good to be true.

Most parents don't like kids. No parents like me.

How come you're so nice?

Well, Joey, you may not believe this, and I admit it does sound a little wild...

...but you remind me of myself when I was your age.

- What's that supposed to mean? - Well, you're a musician...

...and a rebel and a loner. And that's how I was when I was a kid.

In fact, I understand why Katie likes you.

What do you say, gang? We go to one of my old hangouts, and it's my treat.

Let's go.

There you go.

Are you for real, Mr. Simpson?

Am I for real, Joey?

Did you happen to notice my Jaguar outside?

Come on.

I met Mick Jagger backstage after a Stones concert in 1969.

Wow, you saw the Stones in '69?

That was before I was born.

You saw all the greats.

Jagger.

Lennon. You actually saw Jim Morrison.

Joey, I'm surprised that you like that kind of music.

- Hey, Joey. - Oh, man.

What did you do, trade in your truck for that lemon?

Come on, guys, be cool, all right?

So are we up for a drag, or is this car of yours all show and no go?

- Give me a break. - Wait. Who are these clowns?

- Let's just go, okay, Joe? - Wait a minute.

Dad, they're just a bunch of geeks from school. Just ignore them.

Ignore them?

Yo, boys...

...this happens to be a Jaguar XKE, 4.2 liter...

...265 horsepower, which means...

...Joey will meet you any time...

...any place, at any distance.

- Let's go. - I will?

Joey, you back down now, where does it end?

Right. The spot, now!

All right!

The spot? What spot?

Hey, buddy, ready to get your butts kicked?

Good luck. You're gonna need it.

Joey, I know that Corvette. It's an animal.

But we can win, Joey. We can beat them. It's all in the driving.

- Yeah. - Okay. Look...

...all you have to do is concentrate. Get out fast, go through those gears.

All right? You got it?

- I got it. - All right.

- Mr. Simpson? - Yeah, Joey?

You are for real.

Good luck, babe.

All right, all right. That's enough.

Go start the race. Good luck.

All right, Joey!

What am I doing here?

- Sorry I stalled the car. - Forget about it.

- Did we destroy that Corvette or what? - Yeah.

Give me a hand. I think I need a push. Come on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

That was close.

I'm afraid we can't have it for you today.

We can give you a loaner.

It's not comparable. But considering what you did to your own car...

Thank you.

Come on, Dad. Come on.

Dad, do you think machines feel pain?

What? What are you talking about?

Well, there's this whole theory about inanimate objects feeling pain.

Katie, if you're worried about the car, don't. That's what insurance is for.

If you're worried about Joey, it wasn't his fault, okay?

You know, I don't know about that.

I think it was symptomatic of his whole immature personality.

Now, wait a minute... Wait a minute.

What am I hearing here?

Dad, you're gonna be terribly disappointed, but I broke up with Joey.

You broke...?

You broke up with Joey? I thought he was so important to you.

Oh, set him up and shoot him down, huh?

- Who's next? - Dad, what are you talking about?

What am I talking about? Take a good look, Katie.

That cute, adorable face staring back at you is not a weapon.

Don't think of it as a weapon because it's not.

I mean, if it was a weapon, it could backfire. Trust me.

Dad, I'm sorry. It's just a phase I'm going through, you know?

I've never been as popular with boys before.

It's kind of a kick having this power.

I'll be over it soon, I promise.

I hope so.

Now, who's the new guy?

What new guy?

I got it.

Hi, Timothy...

Joe...? Richard?

Hi, Katie.

Hi. What did you do to your hair? And your clothes?

I liked you fine the way you were.

I didn't.

Look, can I just talk to your father for a second?

Yeah, come in.

Dad!

Hi, Joey.

Oh, Richard, how are you?

Hi. Can I see you for a moment, Mr. Simpson?

Sure, sure. Come on in the kitchen.

Bonnie, could you excuse us for a minute, sweetheart?

Sorry.

Well, there's brain damage, but at least he's still breathing.

So how've you been, pal?

I just wanted to tell you, Mr. Simpson...

...I'm not going on the school trip to Europe with Katie.

Oh, come on, Richard. Why? You should go.

Look, Mr. Simpson...

...I know that you were counting on me to watch over Katie and all...

...but if I go, you know, I mean, I'll just be cramping her style.

What if she meets a count?

Or a duke?

Or that Prince Charles guy?

Richard, Prince Charles is married.

Yeah.

But not happily.

Well, we don't know that for sure.

Hi, Timothy... Joey?

What are you doing here? We decided...

...we weren't gonna see each other for a while.

I'm not here to see you, babe.

I'm here to see your dad. Is he around?

Great. Yeah.

Dad!

- Joey, how are you? - Hi.

- Can we...? - Yeah, yeah, sure. Right in here.

Stretcher cases to the left. Walking wounded to the right.

One more guy in leather we can start a rock group.

Shut up.

Who is it?

Hi, Timothy.

I can't believe it.

I never thought Katie and me would break up.

- Joey, get ahold of yourself. - You don't understand.

My dad never liked me.

No dad ever liked me till I met you.

Joey, Joey. Come on, have a seat. Sit down. Have a seat.

- Katie dumped me. - Yeah.

Don't you dump me too. Please, Mr. Simpson.

Joey, I wouldn't do anything like that.

- You mean it? - Of course.

Because I was thinking, maybe we could hang out together.

I don't know. Maybe go to a concert or something?

Sure. Why not, why not? Only next time we'll take the bus.

Yeah.

Daddy, this is very embarrassing.

Timothy's here. Can you get rid of these guys nicely?

Yeah, nicely. Anyone else coming? Because we're running out of rooms.

She is a wonderful girl.

Be smart. Make friends with the old man.

Thank you, sweetheart.

Oh, thank you. Bonnie, isn't it?

So how did you two kids meet? You have classes together at school?

Oh, no, I wish we did. I'm a senior.

Thank you, Bonnie.

We met at a philosophy seminar after school.

We had a very interesting discussion about inanimate objects.

Does this mean you'll be going away to college in the fall?

Timothy is going to attend Yale.

- Oh, Yale. - Yes, my father's quite angry with me.

Both he and my grandfather went to Princeton, and I've disappointed them.

Princeton. Both.

We're off. Maurice won't hold our table much longer. Even for me.

Oh, well, let's not keep Maurice waiting.

Have a nice time.

- Good night, Daddy. - Good night, sweetheart.

Good night, Bonnie.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Here's the phone number of the restaurant...

...and the number of my parents'. We'll be there for a cappuccino after dinner.

Just make sure she's home by 12.

I assure you, sir, it'll be more like 11.

- Good night, sir. - Good night, Timothy.

- Good night, Daddy. - Good night, sweetheart.

Drive safe.

Bye-bye.

What do you think, Dad? Perfect, right?

Yeah. Wow.

Yale. The number of the restaurant.

Home by 11. Perfect. At last...

Wait a minute.

Chapter 52. He's too perfect.

Of course, chapter 52. A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing.

This is the most dangerous of the Don Juan...

...Casanova, Warren Beatty species.

Your daughter is in grave danger from a formidable predator, Mr. Simpson.

Just tell me what to do.

Didn't you read the next chapter? Surveillance?

Wait a minute. You want me to spy on Timothy?

Well, even if I could...

...I mean, anything that I said to Katie would just be my word against his.

Do you own a camera, Mr. Simpson?

I suggest a Tri-X 1000 for day...

...and infrared with a 2.4 lens for night.

Good shot.

Gotcha.

Gotcha.

Gotcha. You'll never be president.

Katie?

Sweetheart?

Katie?

Bonnie.

Bonnie, wake up, wake up.

Where's Katie? Where is she? Get your book and find out where she is.

I don't need my book, Dad. She's with Timothy at the beach.

- Go to bed. - Thank you.

Katie, what are you...?

Doug...

...we're down to 34 in the ratings.

For the love of God...

...do something before they can us.

- Jeff, a lot of other... - Doug, no!

Don't say, "A lot of stations would love to be number 34."

If you say, "A lot of stations would love to be number 34"...

...I will kill you.

Understand?

I'll get back to you.

"Discipline.

Discipline is a key word in every father's vocabulary.

You are the parent. You set the rules.

You are in control.

If the rules are broken, it is your duty to punish accordingly.

You must enforce the rules.

You are the enforcer. "

Where were you?

What have you been doing, and I want the truth.

I was at the beach with Timothy. I guess I forgot the time.

- I'm sorry. - Let me tell you what time it is.

It's 4:00 in the morning.

Now, I had no idea things had gone this far.

You're grounded.

Grounded? For how long?

For the rest of your life.

And that means no phones, no dates, no nothing.

Dad, Timothy's prom is in two weeks.

Then I go away to Europe. He goes away to school.

How could you do this to me?

I could tell you things about your precious Timothy.

Look, let's just say I'm doing this for your own good, okay?

Now, wait a minute...

...if you did something tonight... And I'm not saying you did...

...and I hope you didn't. But if you did...

...it should have been special.

It should have been beautiful and special.

There is nothing beautiful or special that ends with you...

...climbing in a window at 4:00 in the morning.

- Now, go to your room. - I'm in my room.

Then stay here.

I don't need these.

I'm the enforcer.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hi.

What's this?

What's this?

I didn't want my father to see your things at my place.

Heaven forbid he should see my razor, my toothbrush and my Indian robe.

Come on, Janet, you're a grown woman.

I know, I know, but after all, I'm still his daughter.

You know about fathers and daughters.

Well, just follow the sad music up the stairs.

You know, I'm really...

I'm really angry at you, young lady. Hey, wait a minute.

Look at me when I talk to you.

You begged me to help you, and I did. Now I feel like...

...a total and complete jerk.

I guess you hate me too.

I don't hate...

I don't hate you. I just feel your behavior is getting out of hand.

I mean, all you care about now is boys, boys, boys.

Your grades are slipping. You sneak in your window at 4.

Driving your father crazy.

Maybe you don't care about what you're doing to him, but I do.

I'm sorry.

Okay, baby, it's okay.

Stop crying. Come on.

Hey, I'm a woman. Remember?

That only works on men.

Come on, tell me how I can help you.

So that's it.

I'm the enforcer, and when I say something in my house...

...they do it. - Good, good.

You're finally in control of your life again.

Yeah, and my daughter is safe.

And Timothy is leaving town.

She's just gonna see him one more time, on prom night.

What did you say?

She's gonna see him once more, at prom. I promised Janet.

Prom night?

Prom night? Did I hear you say "prom night"?

Just one more time. It's no big deal.

Didn't you read the book?

Look at this.

"81.5 percent of American girls lose their virginity on prom night. "

It's in the book. It is in the book.

- In the book. - Eighty-one...

All right. All the work we've done here is down the drain.

I'm giving you your money back.

My secretary will send you a check. Now, get out!

Prom night, of course.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Doctor, look, look, look...

...I'm the enforcer, right? I can handle this.

I will call off prom night.

Dr. Fishbinder, I give you my word. It's off.

- That was a close one. - I know.

Don't do that again.

Doctor, I'm sorry.

Are you okay? Is there anything I can do?

No, I'm all right. That's what I'm here for.

But it's just so frustrating when you try to help...

Wait a minute. Maybe there is something you can do for me.

- Name it. Anything. - Don't you work at a radio station?

Yeah. KHE Y Radio.

Well, maybe...

Maybe if you had some airtime available on your station...

...maybe I could help all the other Doug Simpsons who are out there.

What do you think?

I think it sounds like a good idea.

I mean, after all, you certainly helped this Doug Simpson.

It'd be almost like public service. Here.

You call this number.

You ask for Jeff Roberts. He's my assistant at the station.

- And you're on the air. - Great.

Now, remember, the important thing is, for God's sake...

...put an end to prom night.

Yes, I will.

- Same time next week? - Of course.

- Mr. Simpson. - Yeah?

You're my favorite patient.

There he is, right there.

Good evening.

Oh, thank you very much.

- Madam. - Thank you, Daddy.

- I love your dress, where's the rest? - Daddy, it's my creation.

- I designed it. - Okay, sell them. Don't wear them.

Well, no one asked me, but I think it looks great.

I want you to meet my fianc�, Doug Simpson.

- My mother, Mrs. Pearson. - Hello, Mrs. Pearson.

- Call me Emily. - Oh, how nice.

- Chuck Pearson, my father. - How are you?

Nice to meet you, Mr. Pearson. Or should I call you Chuck?

No, Mr. Pearson's fine.

- Come on. - Friendly.

Wait a minute. Doug, don't you find it an odd coincidence...

...that we're at the same hotel as Katie's prom?

- The prom's here? You're kidding. - Don't give me that.

You are not going near Katie tonight.

- I didn't know prom... - Is something wrong?

No, no. No, no problem.

Dad, a friend of mine told me that the food here is really terrible.

How tough can it be to throw on a couple of steaks?

Come on, your mother and I are starving. Can we eat, please?

This way, please.

Could we have one of those tables? Isn't this a bit close to the harp?

Sorry. All the other tables are reserved.

I thought you'd say that.

Well, so are we all comfortable?

Janet tells me you work for a radio station.

Yeah. KHE Y Radio.

It's a rock 'n' roll station, isn't it?

Yeah, mostly.

You went to college in the '60s, didn't you?

- Yeah. - Wore your hair long?

Marched against the war? Experimented with drugs?

Played loud rock 'n' roll music?

Wore bell-bottom pants, burned incense?

- I burnt my share, you know? - You believed in free love...

...live with someone before marriage? - Dad!

Then one day you realized you need a job and ran...

...to join the establishment. - Well, yeah, you're right, but...

We did a few other things you seem to have left out.

- Like what? - Well, like help stop the war.

End segregation, launch the Beatles. The Rolling Stones. The Four Tops.

The Temps. And don't forget Sonny and Cher.

Doug, cut.

You're saddling Janet with a built-in family. Is that fair?

- Dad! - I assure you, sir...

...there'll be no problem.

We get along terrifically. There's nothing to worry about...

...is there, Doug?

- I said, is there, Doug? - Oh, I'm so sorry.

This music is so loud I can hardly hear what anyone is saying.

I'm gonna have to speak to the manager.

Janet, for the last hour that guy did nothing but look over my shoulder...

...at every pretty young girl out in that lobby. Now, what the hell is going on?

- I'm afraid you'll have to leave. - You don't understand. I'm a parent.

- That makes it twice as sick. - Well, come on, let's go. Come on.

Okay, okay, okay. I missed my prom.

I love Doug, and Doug loves me.

All right, here he comes, here he comes.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

Well, if I may...

That's it. Janet, it is time to call a flake a flake and a spade a spade.

You marry him, you're out of your mind.

- I think Doug's just a little nervous. - Chuck, chill out.

Excuse me, excuse me.

Hey, hey. Oh, there you are.

- I need my car right away. - I'm sorry. It's crazy around here.

I understand that. I gave you money when I got here before.

- Did you find it? - I'm trying. I'm trying.

- Hey! That's my car. - Hey, man.

"Restaurant. "

Food.

Is this romantic or what?

To us.

Cheers.

What time did your father say he wanted you home?

Midnight.

- Who is it? - Room service.

Complimentary fruit for Se�or Timothy Mitchell.

He's back there somewhere.

What is the matter?

I mean, don't you want to?

- Yes, I want to. - Okay, so, what's the problem?

I mean, you're not scared are you?

No, I'm not scared.

Then go with your feelings.

Excuse me, se�or, can you help me find Se�or Timothy Mitchell?

Tim-o? The old make-out king. He's back there somewhere.

Did I see you at the prom?

Okay, I get it.

You want it to be my fault. I'll do a little grabbing.

You'll do a little protesting. Okay, okay, okay, I got it. All right.

Timothy, stop it. Look, it's not gonna happen.

It's not gonna happen? You want me.

I mean, you said that you did.

I did. But not here, not like this.

It's my first time.

I'd like it to be special.

Now take me home.

You teasing, little bitch.

Thank you, Timothy. That was beautiful and special.

Now, for the second time, take me home.

Do you have any idea what you're doing?

Who you're doing it to?

- I'll just go. No! - Okay, okay, okay.

Easy, no one's gonna touch you. Let's just sit here and talk for a while...

...so that way when we both walk out together, it'll look like I...

Complimentary fruit for Se�or Timothy Mitchell.

We don't want any. Go away.

- But it's going to spoil, se�or. - Damn it, Timothy, open the door.

- Shut up. - Katie, is that you?

Who is that?

Dad?

What are you doing here?

You followed me?

Mr. Simpson, I just want you to know, nothing happened.

Sir, nothing happened. I didn't do anything.

No, but I did.

Katie.

Katie! Katie!

Well, girls, I'm available.

Oh, Katie.

Rock hard and proud of it.

- 97.5 KHE Y-FM. - What was I thinking of?

Welcome to KHE Y's late-night talk show.

We're here with our weekly visit with Dr. Herman Fishbinder...

...the author of Daddy's Little Girl...

...the book for single fathers on how to raise their teenage daughters.

We're taking your calls.

KHE Y, you're on the air.

Dr. Fishbinder, I read your book.

I followed your advice. My daughter ran off with the pool man.

Now, what kind of father would write a book like that?

First of all, sir, let me say, I'm not a father.

I don't have a daughter.

He doesn't have a daughter?

To open up Southern California's biggest rock 'n' roll memory bank...

...just dial the combination on your radio.

97.5 KHE Y-FM.

Hello, Dr. Fishbinder.

I've got three daughters, 15, 17 and 19.

And they're all in love with the same boy.

What am I going to do?

- Fishbinder. - That's a very interesting question...

...and I do go into that one in my book. Chapter 27.

Doug, what are you doing? We're on the air.

Some problem that couldn't wait, Mr. Simpson?

You don't have a daughter? You don't even have a daughter?

No. I don't have a daughter. So what?

- I don't even have a family. - And you never will.

Get away from that microphone.

Doug, for the love of God, we're taking calls.

Not anymore. Get away from that mike.

Mr. Simpson, we will discuss this in my office.

- No, we won't. - Live radio, ladies and gentlemen.

Is there anything more exciting? More spontaneous?

We will be right back after this brief musical interlude.

So that's it.

That's the whole story.

Can I go now?

You know, if there was a Nobel Prize for fathers...

...this guy should get it.

I've got five boys. Thank God.

- Doug? - Janet?

- You're still talking to me? - Of course. I love you, you big dope.

Why didn't you tell me you had a problem with your daughter?

There isn't a father in the world wouldn't understand.

- Proud of you, boy. - Now, where is she?

The airport. She was upset you didn't come home.

- I didn't tell her what happened. - No way she's leaving thinking...

...I'm a jerk who thought I could get answers from a book.

But the answers are in a book. In the top drawer of every motel.

- You're right, but shut up. - Amen.

- We'll get you to the airport. - Thanks, guys. Thanks. Okay.

TWA Flight 22, now boarding for Paris and London.

Katie, that's us. Europe. Come on.

Thanks, guys.

Good luck.

Excuse me. Can I help you?

His daughter forgot her American Express card.

That's a restricted area!

I can explain. It's a long story but sweet.

Katie! Katie!

- Katie! - Dad?

Katie.

Katie.

Sweetheart. Oh, sweetheart.

- Dad, what happened? - Just a little pain in the neck.

Nothing like the pain I've been to you.

Dad, I know you did all those things because you care.

- It's all right. - I mean, I...

I guess I wanted you to stay a little girl forever.

I didn't want to lose you.

Dad, you can never lose me.

And you were right about a few things.

You know, honey, you really have grown up.

So have you, Dad.

Excuse me, miss. We have to go now.

- This is a restricted area. - Okay, just a second.

- Bye. Bye, baby. - Bye, Dad. I love you.

Hi, Katie.

Hi, Richard.

- Bye, Dad. - Bye. Bye.

So that's the show.

You introduce Dr. Fishbinder. He does...

...20 minutes of phone interviews, and then...

...you two square off against each other. Just like Crossfire.

Come on, Jeff. You want me to go on the air with that?

- It'll never work. - It already has worked.

After what happened last week, we're number six again.

It's the comeback of the year. Fishbinder versus Simpson.

Try to keep an open mind, Doug. It's a sign of intelligence.

Hi.

You probably don't know this, but Katie left for Europe last week.

Katie? I'm not here to see Katie.

I'll be right down, Scooter.

- Bye, Dad. We're going to a movie. - Bye, Mr. Simpson.

A movie, huh? Well, PG. No R.

Hey, hey, Bonnie?

I trust you.

I trust her. I trust her.

I trust her.

We'll discuss it Thursday night on the air.