Original subtitles

- Hey Mrs. Stevens.

- Oh, it's Miss Stevens this weekend.

My husband won't be back till Monday,

and I really do hate being alone.

Do me a favor honey, and help me get some of this lotion

on my hard to reach places.

Fucking pussy.

Oh, honey, I hope you didn't waste your time freshening up

'cause you're about to get filthy.

- That's fine if you wanna have your friends over

while we're gone for a pool party dear.

Just, try not to get pregnant.

- Seriously dad?

You are so dumb.

- Blair, don't talk to your father like that.

If it wasn't for him

you couldn't just waste your life away

drinking by the pool now could you?

- Mom, what the fuck?

- Oh, I'm just kidding.

I mean, it's probably our fault anyway.

Although we also raised your brother Blaine

and he turned out just fine.

In fact he found someone nice to marry

and give us grandchildren.

Why can't you be more like your brother Blair?

We could use more grandchildren.

Or at least be more like Nancy,

she's always been so polite and responsible.

- Okay, okay, we're gonna miss our plane if we sit here

and talk about how much more we love Nancy than you.

- I seriously hate both of you right now.

Can you just go before my friends show up?

I'm completely embarrassed to be related to you.

- Just remember, no hard drugs, no threesomes

and nobodies allowed in our bedroom except for Darla.

- Well darling, let's not be total Nazi's.

I mean if it weren't for threesomes,

we never would have met.

- Gross.

- You're so right honey buns.

I am trying not to sound like my father.

Threesomes are okay

as long as it's not the devil's three-way,

if you know what I mean?

- What?

Just go.

God, just go.

Go.

- Don't forget, feed Darla

and don't let her walk outside on the pavement,

it's much too hot for her little feeties.

- Stop making those horrible faces.

It's gonna give you more wrinkles.

Nancy, we're so glad you're back in town this weekend.

- Oh.

- I wish we would have known sooner,

we would have canceled our trip

so we could spend more time with you.

- Oh that's completely unnecessary Miss Winthorpe,

I'm just here, a last minute thing

to take a little break from grad school.

- Well, you are the only friend Blair's ever had

that we really liked.

In fact, knowing your here with her

is the only reason we're not making Blaine come down

to watch the house.

- I am right here mom,

I can actually hear what you're saying.

- Try not to let her do anything stupid,

but if she does find a way,

just don't let her drag you down with her.

You're better than that.

- I'll do my best.

- I love you too mom.

- Mwah.

- Have fun.

- Woah!

- Good morning.

- Creep.

- Blair.

- What?

That guy has always been creepy.

I know he's a serial killer.

- You don't know that.

- Who cares about creepy old guy?

I'm just glad that my parents are finally gone,

I hope their plane crashes.

- Shut up, I can't believe you just said that.

You probably have the coolest parents ever.

Why do you think I spent so much time here growing up?

- Um, because your family was poor

and didn't even have cable TV.

- Um, ouch.

I was over here so much

because my parents weren't ever around.

Your parents actually paid attention to us.

I love your parents.

- Whatever.

You can have them.

- Oh my god, is that your brother?

- Oh yeah, that's what he grew up to look like.

- Oh my god, look at that beard.

- I know it's, so stupid.

- He used to look so normal.

And yet he's the one your parents are more proud of.

I guess it says a lot about you.

- Go to hell.

- And this photo,

I can't believe you let your parents hang this.

- Screw you.

I was a cute kid.

Have you seen your childhood photos?

I seem to recall a world record setting uni-brow.

- Um, my uni-brow never actually won anything,

it was disqualified for substance abuse.

- You're so weird.

- Maybe, but that uni-brow was fierce.

I might actually grow it back.

- Oh, you do that.

I'm gonna go put this dumb dog in my parents room

and I'll meet you out at the pool.

What now?

What the hell are you doing here?

- Oh, judging by your tone,

I don't suppose you'll be trying to make out with me

in the tool shed like you did last time I was here.

- Ew, you wish.

I was like 15 back then

and you pretty much forced yourself on me.

- Oh well, that story certainly worked to your benefit

back then didn't it?

- Did you think I would actually fall

for the dirty white trash kid that mowed our lawn?

- No, I know you were just using me to piss off your dad.

And that's why I stopped you.

Your dad was awesome and I wasn't gonna mess that up

just so you could get a pony for Christmas.

- If I remember correctly, my dad fired you.

Which means you are no longer welcome here.

- Yeah he did, but only because you lied to him

and told him I forced myself on you.

I assume you left out the part

where you begged me to take your virginity.

- What the, no.

How dare you think that

I would want you to take my virginity.

- Look, that was a long time ago.

Even though you pretty much ruined my teenage years,

I'm over it.

You should be too.

We're both adults right.

- Hmm.

- My mom said Nancy was in town

and I figured she'd be here.

I haven't seen my sister in over a year.

- Why?

Where you in jail?

- I'm more than willing to put this shit behind me.

Play nice, even be friends,

just so I can hang out with my sister.

So is she here?

- Step-sister.

And no, I haven't seen her.

Sorry, so I guess you'll just have to go back to

your double wide and drink yourself to death

like your daddy did.

- What the fuck did you just say?

Stuck up little bitch.

You think you're so special

'cause you live in this big, stupid house.

The world would be a better place

without you and all your perfect little friends.

This isn't over.

- Your degenerate brother just stopped by.

- What?

Where is he?

- You don't actually think I would let that

dirty trailer trash back into my house do you?

- Blair.

- What?

I can't trust him around all of these expensive things.

It would be irresponsible

for me to put him in that position.

- He's not a criminal Blair, he's a chef.

- Oh sure, take his side.

I don't understand what you see in him anyways.

- He's my brother Blair, that's what I see in him.

And yes, I'll always be on his side, no matter what.

- Um, he's your step-brother

and I'm pretty sure that's called the Stockholm situation.

- It's called family you ding-dong.

- Oh wow, good for you.

Look how far your family have gotten you.

- You're a piece of work, you know that Blair.

I mean you should be kissing my brothers ass

after what you did to him back in high school.

- Was it that supposed to mean?

- You know what it means.

Don't tell me that you're so self-centered

you could forget about ruining someone's life.

- Oh, please.

He is the one that went after me.

He is lucky that my dad didn't press charges

and have him arrested.

- Really?

You've been telling yourself that BS version for so long

you actually started to believe it's true.

- It is true.

I was the victim, how dare you.

- And you certainly made a perfect little victim didn't you.

But what you forget is I was actually there.

I know exactly what happened.

- Oh you do?

- Yeah, I do.

You wanted to get back at your father

like a spoiled little brat.

And when Danny rejected you

you found a way to get back at them both.

So you invented that little story

about him trying to make out with you in the pool shed.

- But he did try to make out with me in the pool shed.

- No, you lied to your father.

You got Danny fired.

And I don't even want to imagine

the beating he got from our father because of it.

I forgave you back then

because I wanted so badly to sit at the cool girls table.

Look how far that got me.

- Hmm.

- I'm gonna go call my brother.

- Oh my god.

There is no way

I'm wearing this disgusting romper when they get here.

This won't ever work.

Um.

Who the fuck would wear that?

What?

Why don't I own anything that works?

This might work.

Uh.

This is killer.

Hello?

Who is that?

Hello?

Who is that?

Where'd you go now pervert?

God, what are you doing?

- What is wrong with you now?

- Screw you.

Somebody's fucking with me and if it's not you,

it's probably your piece of shit brother.

- Unbelievable.

Okay, can we leave my brother out of the conversation

for the rest of the day.

Besides, practical jokes aren't really his style.

Now if you said somebody was trying to kill you,

then I'd consider Danny a suspect.

- Bitch.

Well, whoever it is, they're about to get

a $500 bottle of Dom shoved up their ass.

- Well then you better wish it's not my brother,

because he'd consider that flirting.

- Your whole family is disgusting.

- Uh, thank you.

- Shh.

I thought I heard something.

Stupid bitch!

You scared the shit out of me.

That wasn't funny at all.

- Screw you bitch, maybe if you didn't lock the front door

we wouldn't have to sneak through the garage

like the goddamn housekeeper.

I need a drink.

- Does anybody know how to make a Mojito?

- Do I look like I would know how to make a fucking Mojito?

- I'm not even Italian.

- What about a Miami Vice?

- No, I'm not a fucking bartender.

- Doesn't your dad like own bars or something?

- Yeah, like 20 of them.

That's why we have people make the drinks for us.

- You're on your phone, you google it.

- I'm in the middle of something, you google it.

- Why don't you go grab a few bottles of champagne.

Blair, I assume my dad pays your dad enough money

to afford the good stuff?

- Nancy, be a doll and go grab a couple bottles of champagne

from the wine chiller and then meet us out by the pool.

- Um, how about I say hi first.

- Um, hi.

- Are we supposed to know who you are or something?

Did you work for one of our houses before you came here?

- I don't work here.

I'm Nancy.

- Nancy.

- We went to high school together.

- Sorry, doesn't ring a bell.

- I sat next to you in Economics.

You copied off my tests.

Seriously?

- Can you just go grab the champagne.

- Well of course Miss Blair, I'll get right on it.

It was great catching up with you guys.

- Thank you.

- Bye.

- Everything you need is behind the bar.

Don't forget to put it on ice, meet you by the pool.

Alright let's go.

Ladies.

Oh, let me put on some music.

- Much better.

- Please tell me this pool is saline.

My skin cannot handle chlorine.

- I just hope it's fucking heated

or I'm not getting in at all.

- The pool is heated.

It's not chlorine and champagne is on the way.

So stop your bitching and start relaxing.

- What a psycho.

- Who?

- Drew he keeps texting me, like non stop.

- What's his problem?

- I told him I was going to the spa today with my mom

so he wouldn't bug me.

But apparently my mom just posted a picture of herself

eating lunch with Dwayne Newton.

- Who?

- I don't know, but now he's pissed and freaking out

and he thinks that I'm cheating on him.

- Who cares?

He's not even that hot.

He's totally got a dad vibe.

- Yeah, just get over it.

He looks like a homeless man.

- And didn't you say he likes toys or something,

such a creep and a total fucking loser.

- Yeah, such a loser.

- But, you probably can't do better anyways,

so you should just stay with him.

- Bitch.

- He does totally worship you though.

- Plus, he parents do own half of Maui

so you should think about that.

- Aren't you supposed to be friends?

Like aren't you supposed to tell me how pretty I am

and how much I don't need a man in my life?

- This isn't a movie, so no.

You're not getting any younger

and the only job you truly qualify for is being a hooker.

So get those lips around that rich dick and hold on tight.

- Damn.

- Oh my god, you guys are right.

I don't wanna end up old and desperate like her mom.

I better go and call him right away.

- What's her problem?

- Sugar daddy issues, but who cares about her anyways?

Let's just drink.

- Come on Drew, answer the phone.

Hey sweetie, I'm so sorry I missed all your text messages.

You know, my mom canceled so I went to the spa with Blair.

I know how you hate girl drama,

you know, you're such a busy guy and all.

You know what, I promise I'll make it up to you

the next time I see you.

Alright sweetie, I love you.

Bye.

Mwah.

- Pool party bitches.

- She's still on the phone.

- Of course she is,

she's on the phone with her stupid boyfriend

and we may never see her again.

- Hey Blair, I hope you don't mind but I invited Troy over.

- Wait, I thought this was a girls day?

Blair, you said no boys allowed.

- Yeah, I did say no boys allowed.

And I fucking meant it.

Text that prick right now and tell him he can't come.

- Oh, you're not still mad that I stole him from you

back in the eighth grade are you?

We weren't even friends then.

Besides, you were still a virgin

and guys like Troy need someone who will,

you know, satisfy their needs a little bit.

- Oh, I've heard you satisfying his needs before

it sounds more like torture porn to me.

- No, I am not still mad about that.

I never liked him, he's a complete perv.

Which is the real reason why I don't want him at my house.

But we also all agreed, no boys.

- Take the stick out of your ass for a second.

His parents are home all weekend

and my parents don't know that we're back together.

So, we need your house to spend some quality time together.

- You mean like torture porn.

- Well I guess you'll have to watch to find out.

- Look, I don't give a shit what freaky stuff you guys do

in your own homes, but there is no goddamn way

you and Troy are gonna do it in my house.

- You bitches talking about me.

- Hey baby, I missed you.

- So, what is it that we're not doing at Blair's house?

- Everything.

I mean, anything.

You aren't even supposed to be here today.

- You're so rude.

- I don't care if it is, he was never invited,

he's not supposed to be here and nobody wants him here.

- Well I'm pretty sure that's not true.

This chick hasn't taken her eyes off me since I got here.

And I haven't even taken off my shirt yet.

- Go home Troy.

- Don't worry about her baby, she's just jealous.

- Not it's alright, I guess I'll not ruin your pity party.

I'll be the gentleman and go.

- Thank you Troy.

- But, I'm not going far.

I'm gonna take his piece of ass with me too.

Bro, beer me.

- Yes brother.

How's it going?

I'm Clay.

I'm Troy's brother.

- Do you think you could take your grandpa with you?

It's probably his nap time anyway.

- Whoa, take it easy sugar tits.

I'm not that much older than you are.

- Yeah right, you probably went to high school with my dad.

- Actually, if I had been held back

for just one more year,

you and I would've gone to high school together.

And I probably would have taken your virginity.

- Over my dead body.

- Necrophilia is a dying art.

- Ew, I don't even know what that means.

- Well, now that the ice is broken.

Let's get this party started.

Whoa yeah.

Good, you like it?

- Did you hear that?

Someone's at the door I think.

- Unless you ordered us another Asian prostitute

I don't give a shit.

- So, are you gonna come down here and fuck me or what?

- Oh I am indeed.

But first, I have to teach you a little lesson.

- Ooh, I have been a bad girl.

- Hey could one of you girls do me a favor

and help me put some lotion on my hard to reach places?

- Nobody wants to put sunscreen on your dick Clay.

- Oh honey, my dick isn't hard to reach at all.

In fact, you could probably reach it from there

if you just say the right things to it.

- Does saying creepy stuff like that ever work on girls?

- No, but I have a feeling it's gonna work on her.

- I don't get it.

- Oh, but you will.

- Ew, no way.

- Well, she is a little slutty.

- Who are we talking about?

- Not slutty enough to make that mistake.

- Hey, I have feelings too you know.

- I actually thought he was kind of cute when he walked in.

- You did?

- Not anymore.

- Suit yourself.

I already have my sights locked in on another target anyway.

- Gross.

- You're grosser than I am.

- Did Tiffany really steal Troy from you

back in eighth grade?

- Hmm.

- I don't think I could be friends with someone

if they did that to me.

- Please, she did me a favor.

Besides, you're probably the only one of us here

who doesn't have a boyfriend that she's slept with.

You just get used to her being--

- A rat shit hoe.

- Exactly, yeah.

- Oh man it's so hot out here.

I think I should probably slip into something

a little more suitable for this weather.

Yeah.

Anyone wanna come slap it?

- Tell me about it,

you said no boys at the party,

what about that fucking idiot?

Come on Britney.

- Oh you better be covering that thing up with something

before you get out of the water,

or I swear to god I will rip it off.

- Don't you threaten me with a good time.

- Yeah, I think they're all in there.

You can count 'em if you want.

- What's that babe?

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean you took an awful lot out of me,

I don't if I'm ready for another round.

Tell you what, I'm gonna go downstairs,

I'm gonna order a pizza and grab a beer.

I'll give you a minute to warm up okay.

Babe!

You're in luck, my boner's back.

What the fuck?

- You son of a bitch!

- Oh come on baby, it was just ice.

I didn't even think it was gonna bother you

since your veins are filled with it.

- That's not funny.

Can you just not be a total jerk for like an hour

so your brother can finish defiling his girlfriend

and then you can both get the hell out of my house.

Are you serious right now?

- Jeez, Blair chill out.

This is supposed to be a party.

- I don't know why she insisted to have a pool party

at her house anyways.

My parents pool is twice the size of hers.

Plus we have a water slide.

- Why do you want a water slide?

I thought you couldn't even get your hair wet.

- That's not the point.

The point is, it would just be cooler if we had one.

Plus at my house we have a full time staff.

I can't believe she expects us to get up

every time we need a refill.

- Yeah.

- I don't even think the pool is saline.

- What does that mean?

- Seriously, Ferris Bueller

he's just a figment of Cameron's imagination,

he doesn't really exist.

- Oh really.

- Think about it.

Ferris, Ferris is everything that Cameron wants to be.

He's the good looking, charismatic version of Cameron

who isn't afraid to stand up to his dad

and he gets the girl in the end.

- So, you're saying that every time we see Ferris on screen

it's actually Cameron imagining him there?

How does everybody know he exists?

I mean, there's a water tower with his name on it.

Does Cameron think that?

- No, he didn't paint it.

It's the Fight Club theory.

Just like Edward Norton's character Jack

really is Tyler Durden.

- But--

- Or at least he's slowly becoming him.

Like he doesn't know it.

He thinks Tyler Durden is real.

Cameron, Cameron's the same way.

He actually really is Ferris Bueller.

So in turn Cameron's

the one who's picking up Sloane from school,

he's the once dancing on the float

and throughout the entire movie

Cameron is just finally embracing his alter ego

and slowly becoming Ferris Bueller permanently.

- First of all, Edward Norton's character in Fight Club

isn't called Jack, he doesn't have a name

so your theory can jump off a cliff at this point

because Cameron does have a name.

Plus there's this whole incident where Ferris's father

almost catches them.

You know the Abe Froman thing.

I mean I'm sorry

but your theory just does not make sense to me at all.

- Yeah, you know what,

actually I think I screwed it up okay.

Yes, Ferris is a figment of Cameron's imagination

but so are the events of the whole entire day.

There is no Ferris,

Sloane yes, she is the hot chick that he's in love with.

But he doesn't stand a chance of getting her.

Cameron, Cameron he's crazy.

He's still just sitting at home, sick,

dreaming up the whole day.

And that journey they take, that's just something

that Cameron wishes he had the guts to do.

And as his dream comes to end, as they all do.

He's slowly turning into Ferris in real life.

So, in turn he finally has the balls,

the calmness to stand up to his dad

and destroy his dad's most prized possession.

His fancy car.

See?

And this isn't my theory by the way,

I just know it's real, it's been proven on the internet.

- Well if it's been proven on the internet

then it must be true.

- Shh.

Listen, listen, listen.

Why don't, why don't you and I go inside together

and we can watch it right now.

And then, then you can see for your sweet little self.

- Is this what this whole thing is?

An elaborate pick up line.

- Elaborate pick up line?

No, come on.

Okay, yes, maybe.

- I'm not going anywhere with you

unless it's a brightly lit, overcrowded place

where I know the available exits, okay.

- Come on, I also have another theory

I wanted to show you, share with you.

Ah, I blew it.

- Oh I bet you do.

I reject that theory too.

- Hey, Britney.

- What are you guys talking about?

- Uh, are you familiar

with the whole Ferris Bueller Fight Club theory?

Because it will blow your mind.

- Um, I didn't understand a word you just said

but it sounds super boring and I need a drink.

- Whoa, hey, I just so happen to have

a carafe full of the finest cocktail that money can buy.

- Oh yeah, what's it called?

- What's it called?

It's Spanish, it's called a, a Dirty Sanchez.

- Oh my god.

- That sounds totes gross.

- Wait, you mean to tell me

that you've never had a Dirty Sanchez before?

- I don't think I have.

Why is that weird?

- It's a little weird,

to tell you the truth I'm just shocked.

I would've thought a super cool, fashion forward woman

such as yourself would be ahead of the trends.

- Well, I try to be.

I'm almost verified on Instagram.

- I assure you, you will never forget the first time

that somebody gives you a Dirty Sanchez.

I would be honored to be your first.

- Fantastico, sign me up.

- Alright.

Just gonna need you to bend over a little first,

I don't wanna miss and get it in your eye.

- Is this really happening?

- Oh yeah.

- Oh my god, that's disgusting.

Why would Spanish people drink something so gross?

- Well I guess she doesn't swallow,

is that gonna be a problem for you stud?

- It's burning, why is it burning?

- You know what?

You girls are a disgrace to hot chicks everywhere.

I'm just trying to be a proper gentleman

and show you ladies a good time.

How about you Blair?

May I introduce to a little Dirty Sanchez action?

- Go fuck yourself Clay.

- Whoa , put the claws away kitty cat.

I would think you, more than any of these other girls

could use a nice little crotch massage.

And lucky for you,

I just so happen to be a licensed masseuse.

- You are a sad, strange little man

and you have my pity.

- That's, did you quote Tolstoy to me?

- Go fuck yourself Clay.

- You know what, fine.

I think I'm gonna go do just that.

- What?

- Yeah, that's a great idea Blair.

And since you girls clearly do not know how to party,

I'm just gonna have to take matters into my own hands.

That's right, it's a two hander.

- Oh my god, seriously?

- Yeah, it's fucking huge.

- That's not what I meant.

- Well, I'm dead fucking serious.

I am going to sprinkle my seed all over that goddamn house.

- Don't you dare.

- Now all I have to do

is figure out which one of you lovely, lovely ladies,

is going to be my virtual assistant.

- Clay I'm serious, you keep your sperm away from my house.

- Don't look at me, I'm not going anywhere near that thing.

You can go stop him yourself.

- Ooh, yeah Blair, please.

I welcome you to try, but, be a doll

and just give me a few minutes

to reach my vinegar stroke first okay?

- You're disgusting

and you're not even supposed to be here right now.

Fine, fuck it.

Jerk yourself off in my bathroom,

I'm not gonna let your sperm ruin my pool party.

- What's a vinegar stroke?

- It's when a guy is about to come

and he starts making hideous faces

and it pretty much ensures

you're not gonna come if you look at him.

- Is that a real thing?

- Yeah, it is real and it looks like this.

- Oh, I think I've seen that before.

You mean like.

Right?

- I think it goes more like this?

- Really and how would you know?

- What?

I'm a grown up, I guess.

Not a nun, technically.

I banged a hell a lot of dudes.

- Well would you please stop talking about coming,

I'm trying to relax.

- Whoa.

I wonder where they keep

the jerk off material in this shack.

Whoa, jackpot.

Well Blair, it looks like you

are going to be the lucky lady today my dear.

Oh, yes please.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop the clock.

This one's even better.

Oh yes, oh baby.

I'm gonna get me some of that.

Yeah.

Oh yes.

Yes.

Oh yes.

Oh yeah.

You're looking good tonight.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Don't look at me.

Don't you look at me, turn away.

Oh yeah.

Oh yes.

You're here too.

- Hey bro, I got your pie right here bro.

Sup man, I got your pizza.

Did you order pizza bro?

Hello, did you order a pizza?

Holy shit, you're not gonna kill me with that thing are you?

You're not on ludes are you bro?

- Oh, oh Mrs., Mrs. Blair.

Oh god.

- Dude cash talks or the pizza walks bro.

- Oh, ooey.

Oh you remind me of my sixth grade teacher.

Mrs. Smith, oh Mrs. Smith.

Oh yeah, oh whack.

You're a funny creature.

Oh, ow that hurt a little bit.

Oh.

Ooh.

Oh yeah, you got one chubby.

You got one.

I'm gonna go.

Okay baby.

Oh, oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

That's it.

Can I take your pants off.

Oh god yes.

Shh, shh.

Yeah I got it.

Oh.

Oh Mrs. Blair's mom, give it to me.

Oh yeah.

I'm gonna come.

- No, no, no, Botox paralyzes the muscles in your face

to reduce wrinkles.

Collagen helps to fill in the wrinkles you already have.

- So they both do the same thing?

- I mean I guess so.

Look, all I know is that you need both

if you wanna stay hot.

- Oh god, I hope it's not too late.

I don't wanna end up looking like our PE teacher

from high school, Mrs. Gillespie.

- You sure know how to throw a pool party.

- I do not want to hear it, especially from you.

I'm surprised my parents haven't sent a limo for you

so you could meet them in Paris.

- Oh they offered,

but I told them I had some studying to do.

- Very funny.

And besides what would you know about partying?

You brought a book to pool party,

maybe it's you that's killing the buzz.

Did you think about that?

- Hey, I love a good pool party just like the next girl.

But some of us have to work for money.

- Yeah, that sounds horrible.

- Besides, I seem to remember

people swimming at pool parties.

- If you even knew how much it cost

to get my hair like this,

you would give me a fucking medal

for being brave enough to even go near the pool.

- Yeah, the wet look only really works on supermodels,

they're not even human.

- What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

- What?

- So, suddenly I'm not supermodel material?

You know what, speak for yourself bitch.

Because everyday I wake up, I'm a supermodel.

So you better take that shit back.

- Sorry, I didn't mean it like that.

- Just shut up and pour me another glass of champagne.

- The champagne's all gone, how do we order more?

- Sweetheart, you're gonna have to go get it yourself.

Or ask Nancy to do it.

- Sorry ladies, you're gonna have to go get it yourself.

I'm actually gonna swim at this pool party,

so shield your eyes from the horrors of wet hair.

- I don't wanna go by myself.

- Fine, I'll go with you.

We're gonna need something stronger than champagne anyway,

if we're gonna be he here all day.

God, she better have something good to drink.

- Hmm.

- Ooh, smell this one, it smells like bananas.

- Yum.

Smell this one, it smells like throw up.

- Why would I wanna smell it if it smells like throw up?

I mean, it can't be that hard right?

You don't even need a high school diploma to be a bartender.

- Yeah, my mom watches the movie Cocktail

like all the time so I kind of know what I'm doing.

- I like it.

See, I told you it wasn't that hard.

I think we just shake it like.

God, I just spilled it all over me.

Oh my god, oh my god,

what if it starts to react with self tanner

and I look like a fucking leper?

- Holy shit I think I already see it happening.

- Oh my god, I gotta take a shower right now.

Worst pool party ever.

My self tanning lotion.

Oh my god.

Stupid shower cap, this never would have happened

if the party was at my house.

I hope this doesn't ruin my skin.

Really bad.

Britney is that you?

Hey can you check in the cabinet for me for razors?

Gotta clean up my landing strip

in case that attorney from LA texts you back.

And we are dipping as soon as he does.

What the fuck?

- Here try my new drink.

- Um, I better not.

Jasmine will probably not

wanna share a drink with a peasant.

- Just take it, she had a little accident inside

and she had to go upstairs to take a shower.

- What?

What kind of accident?

- Oh it's okay, she just spilled her drink all over herself.

But it didn't get in her hair so it's fine,

it's no big deal.

- Did you clean it up?

- Um, no, there's people that do that for a living.

Besides I heard if alcohol gets on your tan

it can ruin your skin.

- Your logic blows my mind sometimes.

- Thank you.

- It wasn't a compliment and there is no way

I'm gonna get stuck cleaning up your mess.

You know what?

Forget it.

I'm not gonna let your stupidity ruin my day.

- I made it all by myself.

- Wait, I'm not gonna get Dirty Sanchezed if I drink am I?

- No, I'm not really a fan of get Dirty Sanchezed anymore.

- Okay, that completely took me off guard.

It's so good.

Hmm, yum.

Hello.

So, what do you think Tiffany and her boyfriend

are doing in there?

- I'd really rather not think about it.

I already threw up once today.

- Well what room do you think they're doing it in?

- Goddammit Nancy, I am trying really hard

to forget about the fact that everybody else

is ruining my pool party and now you are too.

- Would you relax?

I'm just messing with you.

Besides, I can't really call this party.

Except for the few minutes Clay was naked.

Speaking of Clay, how do you think he's doing?

Too bad he's creepy.

I kinda liked him.

- Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

- What happened?

- He just commented my photo.

- Who commented on your photo?

- Jim.

- Jim who?

- Jim Gates, the hunky attorney from LA.

- Right, that Jim.

- I have to go tell Jasmine.

- Your friends keep getting weirder and weirder.

- Jasmine, where are you?

You're never gonna believe who commented my pic.

Jasmine.

Jasmine.

Jasmine!

Jasmine, he just liked three of my photos.

Oh my god Jasmine, I think he wants to meet up later.

Oh my god.

What is going on?

What the fuck is going on?

Oh my god.

Please just leave me alone.

Please don't kill me.

I didn't even do anything to you.

Please just leave me alone.

- You must be crazy.

- No, I'm serious.

You need to go in there and see what everybody's doing.

- Why?

So I can watch Tiffany get plowed by her meat head boyfriend

or stumble in on his idiot brother jerking off

while thinking about me.

Or even worse find out that Britney and Jasmine

are actually lesbians

and then have that image burned into my brain forever.

No thank you.

These people are ruining my parents house.

They're turning it into a den of sin

and I'm not going in there until it's clean.

- Wow, this is not how I imagined

you'd turn out as an adult.

You were actually fun to be around.

I mean, when you weren't trying to impress

Tiffany and her friends, you were actually human.

- I never wanted to be like Tiffany and her friends,

I just needed them in the beginning

so people could, you know, give me a chance.

See me for who I really was,

but, I don't need them anymore.

- And buying expensive clothes was the only way to do that?

- No, you can't say anything because you never complained

when my mom bought you new clothes or a makeover.

- Okay, I admit it.

I wanted to fit in too.

I had one friend in this entire world and that was you.

And I didn't wanna lose you,

I had to at least try to fit in.

- It's not like I was gonna stop being friends with you.

I'm not completely heartless.

- How was I supposed to know?

Those girls, the ones in your house right now,

they're heartless and I knew they would convince you

to just leave me behind if I didn't at least try to fit in.

- I never realized I meant so much to you.

- Whoa, don't start inflating

that little head of yours just yet.

It was because of your parents too.

Besides, you did end up leaving me behind.

But lucky for me high school was over so.

- Oh, so now that you're all grown up

you don't need me or my parents anymore.

- I didn't say that.

Your mom and dad will always be like parents to me.

But, you know, I just figured out

I don't need to try so hard to make friends, you know.

True friends are the ones you make when you're not trying.

- This was the part where you start singing right?

- Screw you, I'm being serious.

- So am I.

Remember when we used to turn

all of our favorite movies into musicals?

For years you couldn't say anything serious

without turning it into a song.

And your voice, oh, it was horrible.

- My voice was horrible?

- Yeah.

- Have you heard yourself?

- Uh, yeah, I took singing lessons.

- Yeah to be as good as I was.

You're jealous.

- There was a reason why I was always Janet

and you were always Magenta

and it wasn't just your bad hair.

- Okay so listen, here's the thing.

I know I haven't been home for long

and I'm always busy studying and I don't party much.

But, I think you need to get in there

and start opening some doors.

- No, ew.

- You need to get that stick from between your legs

and put something else in there.

- Okay, you can't be serious.

- I'm serious, just pick a door okay and go with it.

And you might come out a better person because of it.

Or maybe not, maybe you'll just have a cool experience.

- Okay, you're disgusting

for even suggesting something like that.

Thank god you're not going to school to be a social worker

because you give horrible advice.

- Well you might be onto something here.

I might change majors.

- If you are so obsessed with me

playing some perverted sexual roulette

why don't you walk in and show me how it's done.

- I'm not obsessed,

I'm just trying to imagine all the fun and crazy things

that are going in your bedroom right now.

- They fucking better not.

- Okay, take your time.

I'm just gonna have some champagne.

- Nancy.

Don't tell me you're actually opening doors.

My parents are gonna be very disappointed in you.

Nancy, do you remember my dads rules about threesomes?

Hey, no one's allowed in my parents room.

That better be the dog.

You asshole!

- Whoa, wait what did I do?

Are you kidding me?

Did you hide this body behind the door

just so it could fall on me?

- Maybe.

- Who does that?

Are you trying to prove to me that you're a fucking psycho?

- Who does that?

How about any killer from ever horror movie in the 80's.

You couldn't open anything back then

without a dead body falling out of it.

Guess what, now I know why.

'Cause it's fucking hilarious.

- Oh yeah, really funny.

Holy shit, what is wrong with you?

- What do you mean?

- Are you doing perverted shit with my dead friends?

- No, I mean a little bit.

- When I asked you to help me kill them,

I did not think you were gonna have sex with their corpses.

- Whoa, I'm a happily married man Blair.

- Who does weird shit with dead girls.

- Look, no marriage is perfect.

- And who the hell is that?

- That's the pizza guy, duh.

- And what the hell is he doing here?

- Listen Blair, I actually took this job seriously.

So when you asked me to do this,

I practiced on a couple of people okay.

- A couple of people?

Who else did you kill?

- Just Mrs. Stevens.

- Our next door neighbor?

- Yeah.

Maybe the pool guy.

- Maybe?

You have killed so many people

that you can't even keep track?

- Okay, definitely her pool guy

is that what you wanna hear?

- Is that it?

Did you have time to kill maybe the paper boy

or the landscaper?

- Why would I kill the landscaper?

That guy's cool.

- And are you sure that's it?

- Dora the crazy lady.

- Okay, she's fucking crazy anyway, so it doesn't matter.

But that's it?

- Yeah, look that's definitely I've killed so far.

But am I fucking close to finished Blair?

- What?

- I've finally found something that I'm good at.

I'm really fucking good at this.

I mean take a look around.

I wish you could've seen me Blair,

I should film it next time.

That's what I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna film it, then I can watch it the next day

and see if I've made any mistakes.

Oh my god, that's brilliant.

- You sound like a complete psychopath.

You were never supposed to leave any trace behind

so we could frame the whole thing

on the creepy guy across the street.

I worked really hard on planning on this whole thing.

Everything was perfect on my end.

- Perfect huh?

I don't seem to remember those two assholes

in your perfect little plan.

- Everything was perfect until they showed up,

but that didn't seem to be too much of a problem

for you now did it?

I held up my end of the bargain

and you on the other hand are obviously a big fuck up,

who can't do anything right.

- You know what Blair?

Fuck your stupid plan, okay.

Because I want everyone to know I did it.

In fact, I don't want anyone else taking credit

for my fucking work.

- Excuse me?

- Yeah, I am the best killer in history,

and the whole world is gonna know it.

You'll see.

- Best ever huh?

- Dammit.

Nancy.

Really Nancy, the stairs, so typical.

Well I hate to tell you

but I think all those rooms are taken

because your friends are dead.

- Oh god.

- Hello Nancy.

- Get away from me, you're a fucking psycho.

- I know I'm a psycho Nancy,

have you seen what I did?

It's kind of fucking nuts.

But really hard to pull off,

so I expect a little bit of credit.

- You don't have to do this,

you don't have to kill anyone,

especially not for your crazy sister.

- Actually I do.

I have to kill a lot of people.

Not for her, but for me.

If I'm gonna get in the history books

I need to up my body count and guess what?

You get to be one of my victims.

You're gonna be famous, just like me and Blair.

- You're crazy.

- If it makes you feel any better,

I'm gonna miss you the most.

You're not like the others Nancy.

Not like slutty slut McGee in here.

Nice one.

- Hi Nancy.

Goddammit Nancy, you are making this so weird.

This is awkward.

- What is wrong with you?

How could you kill all of your friends?

- How could I not want to kill all of my friends?

They always thought they were so much better than me,

they were dirty, filthy pigs

and no matter what I did when they were still alive,

I would never be prettier or more popular than them.

But now I am.

Everyone will be my friend now.

- Are you fucking nuts?

- No.

I am the sole survivor of a mass murdering psychopath

who watched her bets friends get killed

right in front of her eyes.

Add in the fact that I'm hot and I'll be famous by Monday.

- You did all this to become famous?

Why couldn't you just make a sex tape like everybody else?

- I might be crazy, but I am not a slut.

And those dirty whores would have done anything

to make sure I never got more attention than them.

So I had to remove the competition.

- Competition, what about me?

I would have been happy for you.

- Yeah, you would have been.

And that's the exact kind of bullshit

you've been pulling my whole life

to make my parents like you more than me.

And now, you're dying.

- Worse pool party ever!

- No, no, no.

- No, no, no!

Why!

God.

Why?

- Pool party massacre.

- I knew those little shits

would grow up to be serial killers.