All language subtitles for Outmatched s01e03_English

ANNOUNCER: These parents are Outmatched.

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What's that
sad bouncy house for?

That is an air mattress.

And I think we all know
what it's for.

Marital strife.

Ha!
Not this time.

Nope.

Actually, the air mattress
is for Nicole.

You're sleeping in Markand Leila's room for a few days

because...

Grandma and Grandpa
are coming. Yay!

[groaning]

Seriously? It's like being
visited by two time travelers

here to tell us which stores
used to be other stores.

All right, okay, listen.

I-I know having them here
isn't always easy...

But you have to understand
they come from a generation

where food and criticism
are how you show love.

Let's be honest.

Thanks to technology,
the oral tradition

that once made Grandma
and Grandpa relevant

has been rendered obsolete.

They're the AOL of people.

They do make weird sounds
when starting up.

And they love telling us
when we have mail.

But that's helpful.

Yes.
I think there's still a lot

Grandma and Grandpa
can teach us.

Oh.
Thanks, buddy.

They will likely
be our introduction to death.

You guys don't enjoy it
when they're here, either.

Last time they came
Mom broke out a puzzle

and you left
to go watch the sunset.

It was 8:00 a.m.

When are they coming?

Well...

Bang.
You're all dead.

House full of geniuses,

nobody thinks
to lock the front door?

Also, you've got mail.

♪

-Sylvia! Jay, hi.
-Hi.

-Hi.
-Hey.
-There he is.

How was the flight
from Boca?

Confusing.
I sat next to something called

an emotional support duck.

I'm telling you,
the world has gone nuts.

Your kids' futures
are in the hands

of people who fly around with
ducks in little red vests.

Yeah. In my day, ducks
used to wear a jacket and tie

when they flew on a plane.

[laughs]Hey... hey, that's pretty good.

Kay tell you to say that?

SYLVIA: Look at these angels.

Ooh, I just want to
dunk you in sangria

and drink you up.
[clicks tongue]

Here's my boy Marcadine. Huh?

And Brian. Put her there, baby.
Put her there.

What is that, like,
a bag of coleslaw?

Come on.
Don't they teach you how to

shake hands at that
fancy private school of yours?

That's next semester.

Right now we're focusing
on eye contact

and comfort around groups
of two or more.

Hey, you're wasting your money
on that private school.

And by the way, I just
taught him how to shake hands.

That'll be 30 grand, please.

SYLVIA: Hush up, Jay.

You know, I brag to my friends
all the time

about how brilliant
you three are.

Let me see you do something
smart for Grandma.

What number am I thinking of

right now?

Seven.

Oh, my God!
My brilliant grandchildren!

[quietly]:
It was three. I felt bad.

There's my little
featherweight, huh?

Come over here.

Let me see you put that left
hook right on Grandpa's chin.

-Go ahead.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[chuckles] Yeah, we're-we're
trying to cut back

on the violence.
Apparently, during recess,

she organized a fight club.

SYLVIA: Nicole, look at you.

So gorgeous.

You don't need a brain
when you're this pretty.

I'm a three-time
regional debate champion,

and I don't know
how to respond to that.

What I do is say nothing.

Then get too drunk atThanksgiving and say everything.

Anyway, Dad, uh,

I know how much you miss Wawa,

so I picked up a bunch
of subs for dinner.

What are you talking about?

You can't have lunch meat
for dinner.

What is this, an AA meeting?

Oh, what, are you kidding?
No way.

We're having steaks.

Oh, look at that.
I got--

I got the best butcher
in Florida. Huh?

Your mother thought I was crazypacking frozen steaks

in my carry-on.
[laughs]

Who's crazy now, lady?

I love it when my family
is all together.

I agree. It's a nice moment.
I'll miss this.

Oh, Markie, we're gonna
be here the whole week.

I meant when you're dead.

Who wants to do a puzzle?

Oh, you finally got around
to all that nailing scraps

of wood you've been
meaning to do.

I needed a break from my dad.

You know, I drove a half hour
to get those subs,

and he just pulls out
some luggage meat

and expects me to
fire up the grill?

I mean, he was barely
through the door and already

criticizing me,
my parenting, my subs.

I feel bad for the duck
who had to sit next to him

on the plane.

I hope that duck
has its own duck.

It's like nothing I do is right.

And it's been like that
my whole life.

You know, in high school,
I wanted to play soccer.

He made me play football
because...

[imitating Jay]:
Soccer? [scoffs]

Soccer's for commies
and failed placekickers.

Yeah. Well,
in your dad's defense,

being married to your mom
for 40 years

probably broke his brain.

Do not make me choose
between you and my mom

because... you'll win, but you
might not cover the spread.

Any time she gets me alone,

all she does is
grill me about you.

[imitating Sylvia]:
How's he sleeping?

Does he wear a jacket?
Is he having foot pain?

Good. When it's cold. And not
since she sent me the insoles.

I don't want to talk about
your stupid feet.

But no matter what I say,
she somehow always

brings it back to you.

One time I mentioned tampons,

and she got it back to you
in 11 words.

How'd she do that?

Oh, never mind.
I got it.

Ugh, we should
get back up there.

The kids are alone
with your parents,

probably racking up
thousands of dollars

in future therapy.

Oh, hey, let's look
on the bright side.

I mean, I never even knew
my grandparents.

-I mean, we should feel lucky
that we still have...
-JAY: Hey!

What the hell is a kale chip?

Two nails left.
One for you, one for me.

Kay, there you are.

Sit your tush.

We need to talk, just us girls.

So... how's my boy?

Wearing plenty of jackets, Syl.

Oh, good. And...

Feet are much better
since the insoles.

Arches like a ballerina,
that one.

-And is he...
-Hey.

That is a lovely jacket.

Where did you get that from?

Oh, I got it at an
after-Christmas sale.

Those are always a gamble.

Of course, you know about that
from your job at the casino.

Which reminds me,
how is work for Mike?

Mom, Grandpa sent me in
to bring him a beer

because he says it tastes betterwhen a woman brings it to him.

I taught him that.

It's important to
keep them helpless.

You know, why don't I
bring it to him,

and, Nicole, you can stay here
and fill in Grandma

on what Dad's been doing.

But I want to see Grandpa's facewhen we finish the puzzle

and he sees that
the Earth is round.

I heard daughters who take one
for the team

-sometimes get their
bedrooms back.
-[chuckles]

I see your bribe and raise you
that blazer I wanted.

Done. You're slipping.

You could have had me
for the full pantsuit.

You could have had me
for just the bedroom.

Damn it.

Kay!

You forgot Jay's beer.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

Hey, buddy, why don't you come
help us with the puzzle?

No puzzle is quite sofascinating as the final puzzle.

Death.

That's a real spooky kid
you got there, son.

Geez.
So, Bri,

tell me, how's it going
with the girls?

You driving 'em wild?

I'm not sure, 'cause
I've never spoken to them.

Well, that's all gonna change
now that you're driving.

Oh, I'm not driving.

What are you talking about?

We don't need to get into that.Oh, hey, Dad,

was that CVS that looks like
a movie theater

always a CVS?

Oh, no, no.
First it was a Gimbels...

Don't bait me with store talk.

I want to hear about this thing.

I'm not driving until I'm 25.

That's when the limbic system
is developed enough

to fully process risk.

You know, with all the science
in that sentence,

it's still the dumbest thing
I've ever heard.

Well, if getting around
is the concern,

I have that taken care of.

Oh, no, no, no, hold on.

We don't need to
show Grandpa that.

Show Grandpa what?

This is the future
of transportation.

That is the future
of dying a virgin.

I know what you're thinking,
and the answer is yes.

-This is a wearable airbag.
-[horn squeaks]

You're okay with this?

"Okay" is a strong word.

Son, a man has to drive.

You can't take a girl
to the drive-in in an Uber.

I mean,
how's that supposed to work?

"Honey, I'm gonna go get
some popcorn.

Anything for you, Viktor?"

He doesn't want to learn
how to drive. Okay?

And I'm not gonna force my kidsto do something

they don't want to do.

Okay, fine.
If you can't handle it,

I'll take care of it.

-Whoa, h-hold on, hold on.
-What?

No, you're-you're not teaching
my kid how to drive.

If anyone is teaching him,
it's gonna be me.

Sure you are.

That's almost as funny
as Kay's duck joke.

No. No, no, no,
I'm doing it. Okay?

Hey, Bri, you hear that, buddy?

-Your dad's teaching you
to drive.
-What?

Boy, you're off to
a bang-up start, huh?

You got a, uh, pocket knife
to pop your son?

Of course you don't.

Hey. How'd you get rid
of Grandma?

Did you tell her
Michael Bublé's signing CDs

at the Barnes & Noble?

No. She's making us
a nail appointment.

Oh, sweetie, no.

You will be strapped
to a spa chair

while Grandma
grills you about Dad.

That is not a nail appointment,that's a hostage situation.

Actually, she's barely
mentioned Dad.

Really?

So what have you been
talking about this whole time?

A lot of things.
Her life, my life.

We called her friend Margee.
She's a real hoot.

That's a phrase I picked up
from Margee.

SYLVIA:
Good news.

My nail lady Carmela's out on
parole, and she can fit us in.

Then you can finishyour story about Kevin Slattery.

[both chuckle]

Who's Kevin Slattery?

Oh, nobody. Grandma.

Oh, right.
[tongue clicking]

We should go anyway.

When we're done at Carmela's,
I booked us a spray tan.

I know a guy who does it cheap

in the parking lot
of a funeral home.

[engine revving over TV]

So you're mad that your daughter

is spending quality time
with her grandmother?

No, I'm mad
they're doing it without me.

I mean, do I not look like
someone who wants

to get a spray tan
in a parking lot?

I am Jersey trash.
That's all I want.

Your favorite food
is wine coolers.

No one's questioning
how trashy you are.

It's not just that.
They were actually bonding.

Neither of them have
ever talked to me like that.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I know how badly
you want to connect with--

Yeah! Suck it, blue guy!
Whoo!

That is why we keepthe video games in the basement.

Why is this out?

Oh, it's a low-stress way
to teach Brian how to drive.

But Brian doesn't want to drive.

And we agreed that's fine
since he wanted us

to put a seat belt
on the recliner.

Look, honey,
a man needs to drive.

Why?

Because...
W-What are you gonna do?

You gonna go to the drive-in
with Viktor?

Oh. This was your dad's idea.

Fine, but it was my idea
to listen to him.

And I am gonna take
the lead on this, all right?

If I left it up to my dad,
he'd-- I don't know--

he'd whistle, smack Brian's buttand say, "Car. Now."

Hey, Leils, have you seen Brian?

Uh, I just saw Grandpa go...

[whistles]
"Car. Now."

Damn it. Here, take over.

Hey, Mom, can you
get me a juice box?

It tastes better when a woman
brings it to you.

-All right, okay. This is it.
-You know, Grandpa,

if you really wanted
to try my transporter,

you could have just done it
in the driveway.

Oh, no, I-I wanted
to take it someplace

where I could, uh,
really open her up.

You know what I mean?
[chuckles]

Hey, hey, but, uh,
while we're here,

this is a great place
to practice your driving.

It's just a quick hop over hereto the driver's seat.

Well, if there's one thing
you should know about me,

it's that I can't hop.

-And certainly not quickly.
-Uh-huh.

Okay. Well, you know, I'm just,just throwing it out there.

You know what I mean?

[shouting]

-H-- G-Grandpa?
-I-- It's my chest.

I think I'm having
a heart attack.

Uh, M-Marc was right. He said
you could go at any minute.

He said what?
B-But that doesn't matter.

You're gonna have to drive me
to the hospital.

-Wait, wait.
-Come on. Come on.

No, no, this isn't
a heart attack.

It's a pulmonary embolism.

Forget the hospital. You'll be
dead before we get there.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna pierce your thoraciccavity to relieve the pressure.

-No, no, no.
-Don't worry,
I've done this to a hamster.

-Wait a minute, you maniac!
-Hey, what is going on?

[screams]

Your son is a nut.

Grandpa's having
a pulmonary embolism.

I'm not having anything.

I was faking it
so that you'd drive.

What? How could you do that?

Me? You were just about

to perform surgery on me
with a pen.

Doesn't anybody in this family
own a pocket knife?

I can't believe you.

I told you if Brian
was going to drive,

I would be the one to teach him.

With a video game, huh?
That's not driving.

You know, Springsteen's
not singing about

escaping Jersey in a Mario kart.

He's my son, okay?So however I wanted to teach him

should be up to me.

But you've never
let anything be up to me.

You've never cared
about what I want.

What are you talking about?

I-I'm talking about soccer.

I could have been great. See?

-You robbed the world of that.
-[scoffs]

Son, I was just
trying to stop you

from making what I thought
were bad decisions.

They were my bad decisions
to make.

And I'm not gonna
steamroll my kids

the same way you steamrolled me.

Come on, Bri.
You don't have to...

-Uh-oh. He's gone.
-So is his scooter.

Hey, I'm impressed
those coleslaw hands

could lift it out of the van.

Are you sure about these?

I have scratches
all over my body.

Your skin just needs
to build a good callus.

Hey, Syl.
Look what I got.

They're vouchers forfree massages at the casino spa.

We give them to high rollers
and hotel guests

who find cameras
in their bathroom.

I thought you, me and Nicole
could all go together.

Oh, Kay, that's so nice.

But you know who you should
save these for? Mike.

He looks so tense.
Is he working too hard?

Oh, my God, I don't care.
Mike isn't interesting.

I mean, he is.

He completes me,
best friend, the one, but...

why is every conversation justyou interrogating me about him?

I don't do that.
Does Mike think I do that?

Ugh...

-What?
-You've been doing it
for 20 years!

I'm sorry, it's just,
Mike tells me nothing.

I'd have no idea what was
going on in my son's life

if you didn't tell me.

Well, I get what that's like.

I mean, I can't get Nicole
to tell me anything, either.

It's hard being a mom.

You go from knowing everything
about your babies,

and then they grow up
and you're just desperate

for any scrap you can get.

This morning,
I called your friend Margee

to find out
who Kevin Slattery is.

[chuckles]:
Oh.

She really is a hoot.

That's nothing.

Most of my medical procedures
are unnecessary.

I just do it so Mike has
to call and ask how I'm doing.

Even the hip?

It was a 20-minute call.
Totally worth it.

See? This is the type of stuff

we could have been talking
about this whole time.

And, look, I'm happy to talk
about Mike, but sometimes...

You just want to talk
about Nicole?

Oh, God, yes.
Can we start now?

Well, if we're
gonna get into it,

we're gonna need
the Jersey Juice.

-Ah... [laughs]
-[clicks tongue]

Yeah. Mmm.

[grunts]

Is that red wine or white?

And a little vodka.

He's got to be close. I mean,
how far could he have gotten?

If that thing runs on shame, hecould be in Connecticut by now.

How'd you find us, anyway?

That's where you taught me
to drive.

Huh. I'm surprised
you remembered that.

Hey, look,

I-I shouldn't have
taken Brian like that.

-I-I was out of line.
-Eh, it's fine.

No, no. It's not fine.

They're your kids, and you do
a good job with them.

Better than I ever could.

And just for the record,

I never meant to steamroll you
into playing football.

It's just that, how was
I supposed to coach you

in soccer if I didn't know
anything about it?

You think soccer's tough?

My kids are into
particle physics.

And numbers that somehow
also have letters in them.

I guess you just try to do
the best you can

and then you-you hope for
a couple of moments like this.

Why is it so much easier
to talk like this in a car?

Car's a perfect spot
for a father-son talk.

You know, nobody can leave,

you're staring ahead
for the most part,

so there's none
of that weird eye contact.

-And then--
then there's idiot drivers...
-[horn honking]

...that are always a good
conversation starter.

Hey, look, look, some moron
left his inflatable raft

on the side of the road.

You do realize that
inflatable raft is your son?

-I do now. Pulling over.
-Yeah.

[cheering over TV]

Am I dead?

No. And I'm glad.

-I'd miss you.
-Ah.

But if you see any lights
or tunnels, call me.

Is that Jay Bennett
watching soccer?

That's right.
It was your husband's idea.

It's not half bad.
You know, you can hardly tell

most of these guys are European.

MIKE:
Oh, hey, Bri, listen.

Sorry about
the whole driving thing.

I promise, you do not have
to learn until you're ready.

It's all right. I had a lot oftime to reflect after my crash,

and I decided
I'm ready to face my fears

and embrace the open road.

So I'm finally gonna learn
how to ride a bicycle.

If I don't comment on that,
can I watch football?

Oh, my God, Kay.
Wait till you see Nicole.

She looks like Jackie O.

You know,
before the whole thing.

Nikki, come on in here.

KAY:
Wow.

You look...

You look like the women
outside Mom's casino

Dad pretends not to look at.

Mom, can I talk to you
for a second?

I don't know what happened.

It started
with one nail appointment.

Next thing I know,
I'm lying facedown

in the back of a hearse
getting an airbrush spray tan

from a woman named Lou.

All right, you got
a little carried away.

This will all wash out.

But I don't want it to wash out.That's what scares me.

I don't know where Nicole ends
and Nikki begins.

Aw.

Jersey trash is in your DNA.

[New Jersey accent]:
Hey! Watch the hair, Ma.

[regular accent]:
Why am I talking like that?

Don't worry, we are
gonna get you clean.

First thing, spit out the gum.

I'm chewing gum?

To be safe, I'm going to keep
Leila away from Grandma

for the rest of the week.

Where is Leila?

Look what Brian made me.

I'm invincible!

If anyone's keeping score,
she's my favorite.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org

Jason Biggs and Maggie Lawson are Outmatched.

See all-new episodes
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