Original subtitles

What's that sad bouncy house for?

That is an air mattress.

And I think we all know what it's for.

Marital strife.

Ha! Not this time.

Nope.

Actually, the air mattress is for Nicole.

You're sleeping in Mark and Leila's room for a few days

because...

Grandma and Grandpa are coming. Yay!

[GROANING]

Seriously? It's like being visited by two time travelers

here to tell us which stores used to be other stores.

All right, okay, listen.

I-I know having them here isn't always easy...

But you have to understand they come from a generation

where food and criticism are how you show love.

Let's be honest.

Thanks to technology, the oral tradition

that once made Grandma and Grandpa relevant

has been rendered obsolete.

They're the AOL of people.

They do make weird sounds when starting up.

And they love telling us when we have mail.

But that's helpful.

Yes. I think there's still a lot

Grandma and Grandpa can teach us.

Oh. Thanks, buddy.

They will likely be our introduction to death.

You guys don't enjoy it when they're here, either.

Last time they came Mom broke out a puzzle

and you left to go watch the sunset.

It was 8:00 a.m.

When are they coming?

Well...

Bang. You're all dead.

House full of geniuses,

nobody thinks to lock the front door?

Also, you've got mail.

♪♪

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com

- Sylvia! Jay, hi. - Hi.

- Hi. - Hey.

How was the flight from Boca?

Confusing. I sat next to something called

an emotional support duck.

I'm telling you, the world has gone nuts.

Your kids' futures are in the hands

of people who fly around with ducks in little red vests.

Yeah. In my day, ducks used to wear a jacket and tie

when they flew on a plane.

[LAUGHS] Hey... hey, that's pretty good.

Kay tell you to say that?

SYLVIA: Look at these angels.

Ooh, I just want to dunk you in sangria

and drink you up. [CLICKS TONGUE]

Here's my boy Marcadine. Huh?

And Brian. Put her there, baby. Put her there.

What is that, like, a bag of coleslaw?

Come on. Don't they teach you how to

shake hands at that fancy private school of yours?

That's next semester.

Right now we're focusing on eye contact

and comfort around groups of two or more.

Hey, you're wasting your money on that private school.

And by the way, I just taught him how to shake hands.

That'll be 30 grand, please.

SYLVIA: Hush up, Jay.

You know, I brag to my friends all the time

about how brilliant you three are.

Let me see you do something smart for Grandma.

What number am I thinking of

right now?

Seven.

Oh, my God! My brilliant grandchildren!

[QUIETLY]: It was three. I felt bad.

There's my little featherweight, huh?

Come over here.

Let me see you put that left hook right on Grandpa's chin.

- Go ahead. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, we're-we're trying to cut back

on the violence.

Apparently, during recess, she organized a fight club.

SYLVIA: Nicole, look at you. So gorgeous.

You don't need a brain when you're this pretty.

I'm a three-time regional debate champion,

and I don't know how to respond to that.

What I do is say nothing.

Then get too drunk at Thanksgiving and say everything.

Anyway, Dad, uh,

I know how much you miss Wawa,

so I picked up a bunch of subs for dinner.

What are you talking about?

You can't have lunch meat for dinner.

What is this, an AA meeting?

Oh, what, are you kidding? No way.

We're having steaks.

Oh, look at that. I got...

I got the best butcher in Florida. Huh?

Your mother thought I was crazy packing frozen steaks

in my carry-on. [LAUGHS]

Who's crazy now, lady?

I love it when my family is all together.

I agree. It's a nice moment. I'll miss this.

Oh, Markie, we're gonna be here the whole week.

I meant when you're dead.

Who wants to do a puzzle?

You finally got around to all that nailing scraps

of wood you've been meaning to do.

I needed a break from my dad.

You know, I drove a half hour to get those subs,

and he just pulls out some luggage meat

and expects me to fire up the grill?

I mean, he was barely through the door and already

criticizing me, my parenting, my subs.

I feel bad for the duck who had to sit next to him

on the plane.

I hope that duck has its own duck.

It's like nothing I do is right.

And it's been like that my whole life.

You know, in high school, I wanted to play soccer.

He made me play football because...

[IMITATING JAY]: Soccer? [SCOFFS]

Soccer's for commies and failed placekickers.

Yeah. Well, in your dad's defense,

being married to your mom for 40 years

probably broke his brain.

Do not make me choose between you and my mom

because...

you'll win, but you might not cover the spread.

Any time she gets me alone,

all she does is grill me about you.

[IMITATING SYLVIA]: How's he sleeping?

Does he wear a jacket? Is he having foot pain?

Good. When it's cold. And not since she sent me the insoles.

I don't want to talk about your stupid feet.

But no matter what I say, she somehow always

brings it back to you.

One time I mentioned tampons,

and she got it back to you in 11 words.

How'd she do that?

Oh, never mind. I got it.

Ugh, we should get back up there.

The kids are alone with your parents,

probably racking up thousands of dollars

in future therapy.

Oh, hey, let's look on the bright side.

I mean, I never even knew my grandparents.

I mean, we should feel lucky that we still have...

JAY: Hey!

What the hell is a kale chip?

Two nails left. One for you, one for me.

Kay, there you are.

Sit your tush.

We need to talk, just us girls.

So... how's my boy?

Wearing plenty of jackets, Syl.

Oh, good. And...

Feet are much better since the insoles.

Arches like a ballerina, that one.

- And is he... - Hey.

That is a lovely jacket.

Where did you get that from?

Oh, I got it at an after-Christmas sale.

Those are always a gamble.

Of course, you know about that from your job at the casino.

Which reminds me, how is work for Mike?

Mom, Grandpa sent me in to bring him a beer

because he says it tastes better when a woman brings it to him.

I taught him that.

It's important to keep them helpless.

You know, why don't I bring it to him,

and, Nicole, you can stay here and fill in Grandma

on what Dad's been doing.

But I want to see Grandpa's face when we finish the puzzle

and he sees that the Earth is round.

I heard daughters who take one for the team

- sometimes get their bedrooms back. - [CHUCKLES]

I see your bribe and raise you that blazer I wanted.

Done. You're slipping.

You could have had me for the full pantsuit.

You could have had me for just the bedroom.

Damn it.

Kay!

You forgot Jay's beer.

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

Hey, buddy, why don't you come help us with the puzzle?

No puzzle is quite so fascinating as the final puzzle.

Death.

That's a real spooky kid you got there, son.

Geez. So, Bri,

tell me, how's it going with the girls?

You driving 'em wild?

I'm not sure, 'cause I've never spoken to them.

Well, that's all gonna change now that you're driving.

Oh, I'm not driving.

What are you talking about?

We don't need to get into that. Oh, hey, Dad,

was that CVS that looks like a movie theater

always a CVS?

Oh, no, no. First it was a Gimbels...

Don't bait me with store talk.

I want to hear about this thing.

I'm not driving until I'm 25.

That's when the limbic system is developed enough

to fully process risk.

You know, with all the science in that sentence,

it's still the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Well, if getting around is the concern,

I have that taken care of.

Oh, no, no, no, hold on.

We don't need to show Grandpa that.

Show Grandpa what?

This is the future of transportation.

That is the future of dying a virgin.

I know what you're thinking, and the answer is yes.

- This is a wearable airbag. - [HORN SQUEAKS]

You're okay with this?

"Okay" is a strong word.

Son, a man has to drive.

You can't take a girl to the drive-in in an Uber.

I mean, how's that supposed to work?

"Honey, I'm gonna go get some popcorn.

Anything for you, Viktor?"

He doesn't want to learn how to drive.

Okay? And I'm not gonna force my kids to do

something they don't want to do.

Okay, fine. If you can't handle it,

I'll take care of it.

- Whoa, h-hold on, hold on. - What?

No, you're-you're not teaching my kid how to drive.

If anyone is teaching him, it's gonna be me.

Sure you are.

That's almost as funny as Kay's duck joke.

No. No, no, no, I'm doing it. Okay?

Hey, Bri, you hear that, buddy?

- Your dad's teaching you to drive. - What?

Boy, you're off to a bang-up start, huh?

You got a, uh, pocket knife to pop your son?

Of course you don't.

Hey. How'd you get rid of Grandma?

Did you tell her Michael Bublé's signing CDs

at the Barnes & Noble?

No. She's making us a nail appointment.

Oh, sweetie, no.

You will be strapped to a spa chair

while Grandma grills you about Dad.

That is not a nail appointment, that's a hostage situation.

Actually, she's barely mentioned Dad.

Really?

So what have you been talking about this whole time?

A lot of things. Her life, my life.

We called her friend Margee. She's a real hoot.

That's a phrase I picked up from Margee.

SYLVIA: Good news.

My nail lady Carmela's out on parole, and she can fit us in.

Then you can finish your story about Kevin Slattery.

Who's Kevin Slattery?

Oh, nobody. Grandma.

Oh, right. [TONGUE CLICKING]

We should go anyway.

When we're done at Carmela's, I booked us a spray tan.

I know a guy who does it cheap

in the parking lot of a funeral home.

So you're mad that your daughter

is spending quality time with her grandmother?

No, I'm mad they're doing it without me.

I mean, do I not look like someone who wants

to get a spray tan in a parking lot?

I am Jersey trash. That's all I want.

Your favorite food is wine coolers.

No one's questioning how trashy you are.

It's not just that. They were actually bonding.

Neither of them have ever talked to me like that.

Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

I know how badly you want to connect with...

Yeah! Suck it, blue guy! Whoo!

That is why we keep the video games in the basement.

Why is this out?

Oh, it's a low-stress way to teach Brian how to drive.

But Brian doesn't want to drive.

And we agreed that's fine since he wanted us

to put a seat belt on the recliner.

Look, honey, a man needs to drive.

Why?

Because... W-What are you gonna do?

You gonna go to the drive-in with Viktor?

Oh. This was your dad's idea.

Fine, but it was my idea to listen to him.

And I am gonna take the lead on this, all right?

If I left it up to my dad, he'd... I don't know...

He'd whistle, smack Brian's butt and say, "Car. Now."

Hey, Leils, have you seen Brian?

Uh, I just saw Grandpa go...

[WHISTLES] "Car. Now."

Damn it. Here, take over.

Hey, Mom, can you get me a juice box?

It tastes better when a woman brings it to you.

- All right, okay. This is it. - You know, Grandpa,

if you really wanted to try my transporter,

you could have just done it in the driveway.

Oh, no, I-I wanted to take it someplace

where I could, uh, really open her up.

You know what I mean? [CHUCKLES]

Hey, hey, but, uh, while we're here,

this is a great place to practice your driving.

It's just a quick hop over here to the driver's seat.

Well, if there's one thing you should know about me,

it's that I can't hop.

- And certainly not quickly. - Uh-huh.

Okay. Well, you know, I'm just, just throwing it out there.

You know what I mean?

[SHOUTING]

- H... G-Grandpa? - I... It's my chest.

I think I'm having a heart attack.

Uh, M-Marc was right. He said you could go at any minute.

He said what? B-But that doesn't matter.

You're gonna have to drive me to the hospital.

- Wait, wait. - Come on. Come on.

No, no, this isn't a heart attack.

It's a pulmonary embolism.

Forget the hospital. You'll be dead before we get there.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna pierce your thoracic cavity to relieve the pressure.

- No, no, no. - Don't worry,

I've done this to a hamster.

- Wait a minute, you maniac! - Hey, what is going on?

Your son is a nut.

Grandpa's having a pulmonary embolism.

I'm not having anything.

I was faking it so that you'd drive.

What? How could you do that?

Me? You were just about

to perform surgery on me with a pen.

Doesn't anybody in this family own a pocket knife?

I can't believe you.

I told you if Brian was going to drive,

I would be the one to teach him.

With a video game, huh? That's not driving.

You know, Springsteen's not singing about

escaping Jersey in a Mario kart.

He's my son, okay? So however I wanted to teach him

should be up to me.

But you've never let anything be up to me.

You've never cared about what I want.

What are you talking about?

I-I'm talking about soccer.

I could have been great. See?

- You robbed the world of that. - [SCOFFS]

Son, I was just trying to stop you

from making what I thought were bad decisions.

They were my bad decisions to make.

And I'm not gonna steamroll my kids

the same way you steamrolled me.

Come on, Bri. You don't have to...

- Uh-oh. He's gone. - So is his scooter.

Hey, I'm impressed those coleslaw hands

could lift it out of the van.

Are you sure about these?

I have scratches all over my body.

Your skin just needs to build a good callus.

Hey, Syl. Look what I got.

They're vouchers for free massages at the casino spa.

We give them to high rollers and hotel guests

who find cameras in their bathroom.

I thought you, me and Nicole could all go together.

Oh, Kay, that's so nice.

But you know who you should save these for? Mike.

He looks so tense. Is he working too hard?

Oh, my God, I don't care. Mike isn't interesting.

I mean, he is.

He completes me, best friend, the one, but...

why is every conversation just you interrogating me about him?

I don't do that.

Does Mike think I do that?

Ugh...

- What? - You've been doing it for 20 years!

I'm sorry, it's just, Mike tells me nothing.

I'd have no idea what was going on in my son's life

if you didn't tell me.

Well, I get what that's like.

I mean, I can't get Nicole to tell me anything, either.

It's hard being a mom.

You go from knowing everything about your babies,

and then they grow up and you're just desperate

for any scrap you can get.

This morning, I called your friend Margee

to find out who Kevin Slattery is.

She really is a hoot.

That's nothing.

Most of my medical procedures are unnecessary.

I just do it so Mike has to call and ask how I'm doing.

Even the hip?

It was a 20-minute call. Totally worth it.

See? This is the type of stuff

we could have been talking about this whole time.

And, look, I'm happy to talk about Mike, but sometimes...

You just want to talk about Nicole?

Oh, God, yes. Can we start now?

Well, if we're gonna get into it,

we're gonna need the Jersey Juice.

- Ah... [LAUGHS] - [CLICKS TONGUE]

Yeah. Mmm.

[GRUNTS]

Is that red wine or white?

And a little vodka.

He's got to be close. I mean, how far could he have gotten?

If that thing runs on shame, he could be in Connecticut by now.

How'd you find us, anyway?

That's where you taught me to drive.

Huh. I'm surprised you remembered that.

Hey, look,

I-I shouldn't have taken Brian like that.

- I-I was out of line. - Eh, it's fine.

No, no. It's not fine.

They're your kids, and you do a good job with them.

Better than I ever could.

And just for the record,

I never meant to steamroll you into playing football.

It's just that, how was I supposed to coach you

in soccer if I didn't know anything about it?

You think soccer's tough?

My kids are into particle physics.

And numbers that somehow also have letters in them.

I guess you just try to do the best you can

and then you-you hope for a couple of moments like this.

Why is it so much easier to talk like this in a car?

Car's a perfect spot for a father-son talk.

You know, nobody can leave,

you're staring ahead for the most part,

so there's none of that weird eye contact.

And then... then there's idiot drivers...

... that are always a good conversation starter.

Hey, look, look, some moron left his inflatable raft

on the side of the road.

You do realize that inflatable raft is your son?

- I do now. Pulling over. - Yeah.

[CHEERING OVER TV]

Am I dead?

No. And I'm glad.

- I'd miss you. - Ah.

But if you see any lights or tunnels, call me.

Is that Jay Bennett watching soccer?

That's right. It was your husband's idea.

It's not half bad. You know, you can hardly tell

most of these guys are European.

MIKE: Oh, hey, Bri, listen.

Sorry about the whole driving thing.

I promise, you do not have to learn until you're ready.

It's all right. I had a lot of time to reflect after my crash,

and I decided I'm ready to face my fears

and embrace the open road.

So I'm finally gonna learn how to ride a bicycle.

If I don't comment on that, can I watch football?

Oh, my God, Kay. Wait till you see Nicole.

She looks like Jackie O.

You know, before the whole thing.

Nikki, come on in here.

KAY: Wow. You look...

You look like the women outside Mom's casino

Dad pretends not to look at.

Mom, can I talk to you for a second?

I don't know what happened.

It started with one nail appointment.

Next thing I know, I'm lying facedown

in the back of a hearse getting an airbrush spray tan

from a woman named Lou.

All right, you got a little carried away.

This will all wash out.

But I don't want it to wash out. That's what scares me.

I don't know where Nicole ends and Nikki begins.

Aw.

Jersey trash is in your DNA.

[NEW JERSEY ACCENT]: Hey! Watch the hair, Ma.

[REGULAR ACCENT]: Why am I talking like that?

Don't worry, we are gonna get you clean.

First thing, spit out the gum.

I'm chewing gum?

To be safe, I'm going to keep Leila away from Grandma

for the rest of the week.

Where is Leila?

Look what Brian made me.

I'm invincible!

If anyone's keeping score, she's my favorite.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com