All language subtitles for Oh! Those Most Secret Agents (1964)

'00-2, Super Secret Agents'

You see, summer is divided
into two categories...

The lucky ones,
those with villas, yachts...

Blondes in bikinis,
who go to the seaside.

And those who remain,
in the empty, desolate, cities...

Left to walk in unshaded streets,
without a cool place to rest...

Those unlucky souls who stay
in the city to work.

Because there's always someone
working during the mid-august holidays.

Give me a hand.

Give me a foot.

Did you bring the pig's foot? (crowbar)
-Yes -Then give it to me!

Hurry.

This one!

Are you sure it's empty?
-Do you think I'm stupid?

Read the newspaper.
What does it say?

'For sale; luxurious villa
with expensive furniture...'

'Louis X.. 1-1 style.'
-Are you playing the pools?

Not me, Luigi.
-Who?

'Louis XII'

'I also sell paintings, books,
jewellery, silver, rugs, blinds...'

'Come to me directly...'

'...after Ferragosto...'

'Villa delle Mimose,
Via Cassia, 10-25'

That 'after Ferragosto' means there's
no one here until after that date.

Armando, are you sure we're
dealing with two imbeciles?

Only two idiots could have
fallen for that advert...

Which suggested such an easy
target to rob for two thieves.

You must help them get into the villa.

Okay.

Ciccio, you're magic.
You're the king of burglars!

Al Capone was nothing
compared to you!

It's daylight.

Let's get to work.

Stockings.

Ciccio!

What are these?
-The stockings.

Your sisters?
-No, she wouldn't lend me them.

She was going out with her boyfriend.
I got them from my grandfather.

You can't throw them away! Do you
want me to argue with my grandfather?

We'll do it without them.
-Okay, barefoot.

Why are you knocking?
-I know, there's nobody home!

Damn it.
-What's wrong?

We need an open window.

An open window!

Help me.
-Wait.

Let go of my neck!
-Wait.

Thanks.
-Thanks.

Quick.

Come on.

I'm taking your advice again, Armando,
I just hope I don't regret it.

Don't worry, Fred.
-It's your last chance to redeem yourself

You miscalculated the landings in Cuba...

You supplied incorrect data for the
construction of the atomic submarine.

These things can happen to anyone.
-Yes, to anyone...

But you've already cost the
Pentagon $500,000.

To err is human.
-But to persevere is diabolic!

Do you know what your
defect is, Armando?

You think about women too much.
I should have your sexual valves checked.

Few of us have working ones now.

Have the two agents with the
real secret formula left yet?

Not yet, we're still waiting to
capture these two imbeciles.

Are you sure this will work?
-Of course...

Now you'll catch those two
in the act...

You'll threaten them.

After you plant the false
formula on them...

You'll throw them to the Russians.

Are you sure the Russians
will fall for it?

The Russians will think they're
two astute agents...

...who are pretending to be imbeciles.

This way the real formula will
reach its destination.

Now be quiet.
Those two are arriving.

Follow them on the video.
-Switching to video.

They have passed the
electronic barrier...

I'll change channel now.

This isn't a villa,
it's the Bank of Italy!

Ciccio!
-Stop messing around.

Come here.

Look.

So much silver!
-And you didn't want to come.

Look!

'Leonardo Da Vinci'
Who's he?

Let's see if there's something better.

This one.

Colamanincuso!
This one must be valuable...

He has a Sicilian name.

What do you think?
-It's all proceeding according to plan.

What a haul!

That's enough for today.
Let's go.

Come on.
Lift it!

You carry it, I'm tired.

Hold it right there.
You're trapped.

Ciccio, we're in trouble.
Let's get out of here!

Wait a minute!
How dare you?

It's pointless trying to escape,
all the exits are blocked.

And my men have itchy
trigger fingers.

And we're itching to get out of here!

Quiet!
If you'll allow me...

I'm Count Passing Water,
I'm interested in this villa...

How much does it cost?
-We can come to an arrangement.

Too expensive!
-Goodbye.

Stop!
Are you trying to kill us?

No, certainly not.

I just want to invite you to breakfast.

Help yourselves.

Humour him.
-You humour him, I'm eating.

Follow me.
We'll eat next door in the study.

Is he crazy?

This is Armando.

My dear, these are our two friends.

Nice curves!

Evelyn.
-Nice...

You'd better go next door,
or he won't function.

I was referring to that globe.
-I understood that.

Please introduce yourselves.

It's a real pleasure Mr. Jukebox.
My name's Franco.

And I'm Ciccio.

It's a pleasure.
I'd like to ask you some questions.

Fred, get them a seat.
-Certainly!

Get them some seats, guys.

What does he want to ask us?

Let's get to the questions...

Mr. Ciccio, you have to tell
me who wrote 'I Promessi Sposi'?

Alessandro Marconi.
-Fred, we've hit the jackpot.

Typical education of
a television presenter.

Thank you.

Mr. Franco.
Mr. Franco.

Who was the hero of two worlds?

The hero of two worlds was...

Galileo Galilei.
-No!

Gargarozo.

Garineo Giovannini.

Don't get upset Mr. Roasting Spit.
Otherwise I'll kick you!

And you won't like that!
-You must do as I say.

That's enough!
Arguing like children.

Armando, you surprise me.

You're not a counter any more,
you've grown...

You're an electronic brain now.

Come on, make peace.

To seal the armistice...

Have some wine.

Thanks, I don't like soft drinks.
-I'd love to but I have a light stomach.

If you don't drink, I'll be offended.
-He'll be offended.

Mr. Armando...

Would you care for a glass
of lubricant?

I don't drink.
I don't enjoy it.

Excellent, Armando.
They're asleep.

I'm always right, Fred.

These two have a very
limited intelligence...

002.
-Per cent?

Per thousand.
The tall one.

The short one, 000.0.

This is the microfilm we have
to insert into the filling.

Tell me, Armando...

Are you sure you dictated
the fake formula to me?

You're always busting my valves!

Yes, I'm sure.

I'd like to see the looks on their faces
when they try to realise the formula.

The silver.

Get the paintings.

Get the Cola Mancuso.

We're in prison uniforms.
-Murderers! Let us out!

That jukebox turned us in.
Traitor!

And now we're in prison.
Bread and water!

This mattress is pretty soft.
-The laundry room.

Feather pillows.
You know what I think?

I'm staying in this prison.
-Me too!

Eat up and get undressed.
-With pleasure.

Wait.
-Hurry up and get undressed.

Why do we have to get undressed?
-You can't leave in your pyjamas!

Leave?
Do we have to move out?

Where are you translating us?
-What does that mean?

My friend wants to know
where you're transferring us?

The French Riviera.

Porto Azzuro!
-We can visit uncle Ture...

Grandpa Callogio.
-Uncle Francesco, cousin Nugolino.

What are you talking about?
-Porto Azzuro, in Elba...

All our friends are there!

It used to be called Port Longone
Half our relatives live there.

And the other half?
-Fugitives!

No, don't worry,
I'm not sending you to prison.

In fact, as you've been good,
I'm going to reward you...

I'm sending you to heaven.
-Heaven!

You're going to kill us!
-I'm the father of seven children!

I'm the son of seven fathers'.

No, no...
I want you happy and alive.

This is why I'm sending you
to the French Riviera.

It's the most enchanting place in France,
the women there are marvellous!

In exchange for what?
-Nothing!

Absolutely nothing.

You'll receive my orders
when you arrive.

If we refuse?
-I'll kill you.

What time does the train leave?

Ciccio, pinch me!
Tell me I'm not dreaming.

There go the two American
agents with the secret formula...

We must get it at any cost.

The American agents are always
able and smart...

So your mission won't be easy.

Our country expects you
to do your best.

Now, go.

Do you want them dead or alive?
-Alive...

We don't know where they've
hidden the formula.

Go.

We've arrived in foreign land.

Remember, you can't trust anyone here.

Shall we get a nice coffee?
-Lunatic!

Have you forgotten about Pisciotta?

Nothing, then.
-Worse! Worse!

Your baggage?
-Women!

A blonde for me,
a black one for him.

Get your hands off!
Porter.

Careful, Igor.
They're very smart.

They're trying to fool us.

It's up to you now.
Over.

Taxi, gentlemen?
-No, no.

The nearest hotel is
three kilometres from here.

I'll take your luggage.
-Leave it alone.

Please follow me.

Empty!

Damned imbecile.
You let them get away.

Why did we get out of that taxi
as soon as we got in?

Because as soon as we sat down I noticed
that the metre said two hundred francs.

You do realise that after four kilometres
he was going to charge us 200, 000 francs!

Do I have idiot written on my forehead?

Here's the hotel.

Don't embarrass me,
they're all gentlemen here.

And I'm a lady?
-No, but you're a fool.

Before doing anything, look at the
others and do what they do.

Are you telling me I have to put on a
night vest and have twenty five children?

You idiot, it's not their
clothes you have to copy...

It's their good manners.

See how aristocratic.

Copy him.

Take our luggage up, kid.

Me?

Give him a tip.

Five francs?
I think you're mistaken.

Precisely, you have to
give me four francs change.

Do you know who I am?
-Who is he?

Admiral Baker, Commander of the 6th
American fleet anchored at Cannes.

And I'm Admiral Franco Passing Water,
chief of the 7th fleet of the Ferribotti...

Anchored at Mazzara Del Vallo.

He really is an Admiral.
-Then why is he dressed like a porter?

Perhaps he's moonlighting.

Another Admiral!

Welcome to our home.
-Are you also an Admiral?

Yes, in a certain sense...

After all, I keep this ship afloat!

Gentlemen, would you like to
follow me to the bureau?

Be quiet!

Thanks, we've already eaten.
-We prefer to retire to our rooms.

First, we must go through
the usual formalities.

Your papers? (French)

He asks if we walked here?
-Wait...

Do you speak French?
-Yes, naturally, sir.

Naturally, sir.
-Lucky you.

But French isn't difficult,
you just need to know it.

Passports, please.

Thank you.

Accompany these gentlemen to room 325.

Thank you, gentlemen.
-The suitcases?

Stop!

What breed is that dog?
-Idiot...

Can't you see it's a camel.

Hello?

This is ISK-05.
They have just arrived.

I recognised them.
They're using fake passports.

I put them in room 325.

Bye.

Goodbye.

Ciccio, turn on the light.
-You turn it on.

You have to be difficult.

What are you doing?
Turn this thing off.

Can we get you anything?
-Nothing!

You could have asked them
how to turn on the light.

They'll think we're idiots.
-Then we'll stay in the dark!

Turn it on.

Can we get you anything?
-Nothing.

Quiet!
Wait a minute...

How do we turn off the radio,
and turn on the light?

Thanks.
Goodbye...

Good health.

Aren't they polite.
Always offering you their hand.

Really good.

Damn it! We forgot to ask
them how to open the blinds.

You want to call them back?
We'll look bad, I'll take care of it.

Turn off the radio!

You see?

The blinds.
-This one.

Air!
Turn off the light.

Ciccio, some water.
I feel like I'm suffocating.

Some water!

Give me the jug.
-The jug.

Check out this incredible trough!
-What are we? Horses?

Idiot!
It's for washing laundry.

Look at that bowl.
It might be for fish.

It's boiling hot!
-Let's ring the bell.

Hurry.
-Enough of these bells...

We'll use the telephone.

Hello?

Hello?
-What's wrong?

No answer.
-Maybe you have to turn it the other way.

Turn the dial.
-This one?

Yes.

We'll call later.

How was I to know the firemen
would answer?

Let's eat something.
Call room-service.

That's an idea.

She's already here!

'Go to the beach from ten till
one and get a suntan'

She's gone.

Did you see what was written there?
-Why? Was something written there?

'Go to the beach from ten till
one and get a suntan'

It must be an order from Rome,
from that jukebox.

The beach!

Do you see them?
-Yes, they've arrived.

Watching how they behave I can see
they have a weakness for women.

Are you sure about them?
-Very sure, comrade.

Nadja, Ninochka.
Come here.

Ninochka, approach the enemy.
Hug him, kiss him.

Stop!

Yes, I think we'll be okay.

But could you kiss those two men
with the same amount of passion?

Those worms?

But we're willing to sacrifice
ourselves for our country,

Excellent, you'll be well rewarded.

What's going on?

How dare you!

Excuse me.
-Take your hands off her!

Pistacchio.

Mind your own business and
leave my wife alone!

Sorry, my friend thought
she was your sister.

Scoundrels!

I told you to behave.
-But how could I?

Can we go?
The sun is hurting me.

No, our orders were to sunbathe until
one, so we'll sunbathe until one.

Very well.

Goal.

Damned kid.

I'll get you.

You're in here.

I'm so sorry.
-How dare you.

Did you think you'd find
my wife in here?

Damned rogue!

Why do these things always
happen to me?

Calm down.

Calm down.
I'll take care of the ball.

Sorry.
-How dare you touch me!

I thought you were a ball.
-What?

A ball!

Stop pretending to be angry.
It's you who's leading them on.

But I don't even know them.
I swear, dear, I don't know who they are.

You don't know them?
-In that case, I'm Count Passing Water.

Go and get changed.
We're going home.

Did you find the ball?

It's always your fault.

Now let's sunbathe.
-Okay.

I'm almost boiled.
Shall we go?

No, the jukebox said till one.

...it's one o'clock.

Don't touch me.
Stay back.

Skin murderers!

What are you doing?

Don't touch me.

Go on.
-After you.

Resist.

Murderer!

You've torn my shirt.
-It's not my fault it's tight.

Stay back!

Let me get my trousers.
Don't touch me.

My trousers.

Pick up your damned trousers.

It's your fault.
I wouldn't have gone out in the sun.

I wouldn't have gone out in the sun.

Move your damned foot.

Get out of my way!
And don't touch me.

Stay back.

What have you done?
Fool.

They're my trousers.

Give me back my leg.

It burns.
-I'm getting undressed.

I'm going to lie down in the
trough and put out the fire.

Little man, you're so tall.

Come into my arms.

Little man.

Don't touch me.

Another woman!

Don't touch us!
Stay back!

Out, I said.

Get out.

Damn it, they're sexually armoured.

These American agents have
been formidably prepared.

We're not interested.
-Get out!

Exceptional.

I didn't think they would have
been able to resist our girls.

These two agents are going
to give us a lot of trouble.

Let's hear what they're saying.

Looks like we made it.
We can do what we want now.

Do it very slowly.

You're so brutal.
-Stop complaining, I'm not hurting you.

Stop, I can't take it anymore.

You're carnivorous.
-I've finished.

Now it's my turn.
-Okay, get underneath.

I'm more sensitive.
-Do what I did...

Slowly and carefully,
-Don't worry.

Do you like it like that?
-Lower, lower.

See how sensitive I am.
You weren't expecting that.

Now I'll stroke you.
-Not so hard.

System XY-23.

Let's go next door.

Who are they?
-Hercules and his brother-in-law!

We'll take care of you.
-Weren't expecting us, were you?

I think we made it.

Where can I hide?

Here.

I don't buy it.
You were leading them on!

That's enough.
I don't know them.

You know what?
Beat them up when you see them.

Yes?
-Yes!

I hide my lovers in the
wardrobe, dear.

Go on, open it.
What are you waiting for?

Okay, I'm going to have a look inside.

Stop.
I'll answer it, it might be your lover.

Hello?

What?

No, thank you.
Cancel the reservation.

Cancel the reservation!

What?
-I'm going to sneeze.

Put your finger under your nose.

Your nose!

Listen, let's get some breakfast.

I was right.
-No, it's not true.

Forgive us if we entered
without knocking.

Damn it.

Where are they?

Let's try in here.

Not the Negroes!
No!

Out!
Out!

Look at what they're wearing,
what do you call it? Topless!

And a Negro, too!
-I don't know anything about this!

Don't you get it?
We're not interested in the lady.

What?

I get it now!
Then what are you looking for?

We're looking for two ugly men who
slipped through our fingers.

A tall guy with a moustache,
and a short guy?

Have you seen them by any chance?
They can't be far away...

They can't have left the hotel
just like that, don't you agree?

Could you help us find them?
-With pleasure, we'll look together.

We'll start immediately.
-No, you're staying in your room!

Harlot!

You go that way, I'll go this way.
We'll find them.

Go back home.
We'll take care of this.

Hey, you...

The professor's been waiting
over an hour.

Come on, let's go.

Hurry up.

Put him on the bed.

Attach the electrodes.

Don't worry, my Lord,
better a cure than death.

As this is my first time with the patient,
I'd like to try much higher voltage.

What do you think?
-I agree with you, colleague.

When I get my hands on them!

Relax, my Lord.
It's for our own good!

You're the paralyzed one,
and I'm the nurse.

Turn on the power.

220 volts.

Take him away.
-Can we take the bulb...

...the patient?
-Yes, yes...

The wheelchair, please.

Be careful!

Only he can touch him with
insulated gloves...

You mustn't touch him for
at least an hour.

He's absorbed enough electricity to
power a train from here to Paris!

Take the train.

Goodbye.

You're discharged.

What happened?

Armando, you're an idiot!
You're incompetent...

Those two are incredibly smart...

They've avoided every danger.

Calm down.
Mind your liver.

Numbskull! I'll have you
transferred to the land registry.

The Russians must get their
hands on that formula...

But those two get away
every time.

The Russians don't know
where the formula is...

That's why they want them alive.

If you tell them then they
can kill them.

That's true!

Armando, you've redeemed yourself.
I'll take care of it.

Can I shake some valves with
the calculator now?

Get me the double-cross team.

We'll barricade ourselves in.
-Why is everyone after us?

Who goes there?
-Room service.

'Go to The Ritz'

What have you done?
-I wanted to see if there was more post.

Paris, city of a thousand lights...

Hello?
This is Z4-K5...

Good evening, Ivan.
You'll recognise them easily...

They have a white cross
chalked on their backs.

Maurice.

They're dressed in blue and they have
a white cross chalked on their backs.

Good, they won't get away.

Would you like to dance?
-Sure, we'll dance!

It's our job.
Will you offer us a drink?

Order what you want,
mineral water, orangeade, milk...

Take it slowly.

I'll have a Dom Perignon.
-And I'll have a Don Pasquale!

A long glass for me.

Will you dance with me?

What is it?
What's wrong with you?

We still haven't heard from Ivan!
-Shall we call Knight?

Try.

Hello?
Hello?

This is base Gymnasium.
Is there any news?

Haven't you eliminated those two guys
with white crosses on their backs yet?

I'll have a look.

I'll take care of it right away.

This is the life, peaceful,
and nothing to worry about!

No reason to be suspicious,
and no need to watch your back!

I don't understand what happened,
our men aren't replying.

I'm worried those two formidable American
agents have already taken care of them.

They're alive!
-And our men?

No trace!
There's no time to lose.

Take it.
Drop it by their feet.

And if it doesn't work,
use the gamma-ray gun.

What are you doing?

Stop acting like an idiot and
get rid of that cigar.

Get rid of that cigar.

Good evening, gentlemen.
Would you like to dance with us?

What shall we do?
-Ciccio, we're 'dream lovers'.

You don't move,
we've been ordered to stay here.

Why don't we go somewhere?

Ciccio, we can't let them go.

Thanks to you, we're going
to have a great night.

Coming here was a great idea!

Good evening.

What can we get you?

You read it,
My vision isn't with me tonight.

He's a bit stupid!
-A gift of nature!

But this looks Chinese?
-Sure, it's upside-down!

I was distracted.
-He's left-handed!

Spaghetti for everyone.
-We don't have any.

Lasagne.
-We don't have any.

Vermicelli.
-Vermicelli, they're very good!

Let's hope they're nice.

It's their speciality.

You say it so well!
Here are the vermicelli.

With a special sauce.

Are you sure they're vermicelli?
-Sure!

Idiot, it's pronounced 'Siculo'.
-I'll be right back.

The vermicelli.

But they're worms!

Look, they're real.
-They're worms with meat on the bone!

It's good meat.
-How dare you, take them away.

Don't they have something simpler?
-Simpler? I'll take care of it...

Moscato cutlets.

Moscato, okay!
but how are they made?

Dog meat and fly sauce.
It's very good!

I know what we need,
it's a special milk soup.

Okay, let's eat some milk.
-Hold on...

I hope it's not ant milk.
-Not ants! Just milk.

Clear the table.

You have strange taste.

Have a look.

Disgusting beetles!

Beetles!
-It's milk.

Bring me those eggs.
Yes, those eggs!

We can eat them at least.

How can you eat it?

Extraordinary eggs.

More?
-Give me another one, I'm hungry.

Is it the egg of the day?
-Of course!

They're turtle eggs.

Get him a drink.
This man's dying!

Drink.

This Lambrusco tastes great.
-Snake's blood, skinned alive.

Listen, Ciccio,
I'm sorry you don't like our food...

But I hope you'll like the
taste of our flesh.

Who do you think we are?
Cannibals?

No...

I'm talking about love.

Follow me.

Does this look like the type of
place you'd make love?

It's going to be an unforgettable night.
They're Orientals...

They have exotic techniques.

I've always like exoticism!

We're going next door for a moment.
We'll be right back.

My one kissed me with her mouth

Mine used her lips!

Something tells me this bed
has too many nails.

Exotic techniques!
Fakirs make love on them.

Then it's tiring.
-Why?

If you need porters to make love.

Not porters.
Fakirs!

Fakirs are Hindus.
-Why? Aren't there two of us?

Hindu!

Look at them.
-The Chinese!

Can we help you, gentlemen?

We won't hurt you if you cooperate.

Give us the formula.
-The secret formula.

Formula? Who's she?
-Sorry, we haven't been introduced.

Where is it?
-We can make this a lot worse.

The goat.

What do they want from us?

Ciccio, have you declared
war on Hong Kong?

Their shoes.

I get it, they want to steal our shoes.

Seeing as you don't want to cooperate,
we're going to do something funny.

Put the salt on his feet.

But my feet are clean!
What are they doing?

I don't have sweet feet,
You're wasting time and salt!

We're going to make you
die of laughter.

The goat likes salt.
Lick!

Help!
It's ticklish!

The formula.
-What formula?

Great!
You're a hero.

But I'll break you.

Come on, beautiful, lick him.
And don't stop till he's confessed.

It's dead.

Poisoned?
Holy Confucius!

Now I'll try water torture.

If you don't confess, I'll fill you up
with water until you explode.

But I don't have anything to say.

Excuse me, why are you
offering him a drink?

You'll hurt him.

Do you want to talk?

Stop.

Do you want something?
-Yes!

I'd like a glass of water.
-Right away.

I'll break you!
-Hold on.

What are they doing to you?

Be reasonable.

Not fire.
I don't like fire.

They're making a spit.

Stop it, sons of the setting sun!

Don't offend them!

We'll make your friend talk.

Then we'll use the saw.

Are you going to talk?
-I have nothing to confess!

His shoes!

Come out.
-We don't have the key.

Come out.

Let's get out of here before
more Chinese arrive.

You freed us?
Why?

Because we don't like the Chinese,
just like you.

The Russians finally managed
to capture them.

We can laugh about it now.

Just remember, it was my idea...

And now I'm tired of thinking
about serious things.

If it's Soraya calling for me...

Tell her I've gone out.

Hello?
Yes, it's me.

How?

Are you serious?

That's impossible.

Bicarbonate!

You're telling me the formula we
sent you is for bicarbonate of soda?

But how?
It's absurd.

Yes, okay.
I'll take care of it.

I'll call you back.

Tell me, Armando,
did you hear what happened?

Fred, it was an unfortunate
misunderstanding.

Be quiet!
Don't deny it or I'll remove your valves!

You've committed a terrible blunder...

You gave the fake formula to the real
agents and the real formula to those idiots.

What were you thinking?

I was dreaming of shaking some
valves with Sophia.

You can dream as much as you like but
I'm having your sexual valves removed...

Then you'll stop thinking of women.

Do you realise the mess you've caused?

You made me gift the secret
formula to the Russians...

And in a such a way that they'll
discover it sooner!

I'll show you.

Don't do anything foolish.
You have a family.

No... Stop!

Attention all agents on the
French Riviera...

Prepare to intervene with
maximum urgency.

Mission accomplished, boss.
-We don't know how to thank you.

The formula is ours now.
Bring in the dentist.

Who has a toothache?
-I don't.

What are you doing?

What are they going to do to me?
-How do I know!

Nothing bad, we're just going
to fix your teeth.

But his teeth are fine.
-My teeth are fine!

There's nothing to fix.
-Shut up, and open your mouth.

I said, open your mouth.
-But his teeth are fine!

You see? He can say what he
wants with that mouth.

Now we'll look for the tooth
with a filling.

Damn it.
-What's wrong?

They all have fillings!
-What shall we do?

Let's take them all out.

I want to speak to my personal dentist.

Look.

Bayonet shoes.

The bayonets aren't working.

What happened?

Follow me.

Where are they?
Where did they go?

Get them!
Kill them if you like...

We know where the formula is now.
Sound the alarm!

Run! Run!
I'll send you to Siberia!

Dear comrades and students...

Seduction is the primary
weapon for a female spy...

No doubt about it.

With courage and preparation you
can obtain excellent results...

But using your sex appeal...

The results will no doubt be exceptional!

Natasha.
Come here.

You're too clumsy.
You're too stiff.

You're not sexy at all!

However, you have the right material!

And with this material...

You'll get more information than
our finest Secret Service agents!

When you find the man
you're looking for...

You must try to provoke him
without him noticing.

Rule number one...

Swing your hips when you walk,
drawing attention to your derriere...

Resulting in a slinky
undulating movement!

You try.

No, it's all wrong!
Start again.

It's impossible!

You couldn't conquer a soldier who's
spent three months in isolation like that!

See how it's done.

Two guinea-pigs!

Comrade (Russian)

Excuse me.

Mr. Tovarishch.
-What are you doing?

He's not around.
-Shut up, fool.

Come in, comrades.

Now I'll let you sit down.

Us?
-Yes, yes.

Natasha, come here.

Do you know what 'da' means?
-Yes.

Tell me.
-Yes.

No, I said do you know what 'Da' means?
-Yes.

Then why won't you tell me?
-Yes!

Perhaps I haven't explained myself,
I said, do you know what 'da' means?

Yes, yes!
-Then why won't you tell me?

I'm saying 'Yes, yes...'
Do you understand?

'Da' means 'Yes'.

'Yes' is 'Da'.
Yes.

Sit down.

Natasha, do as I do,
and remember Mata-Hari.

What do they want?
-Whatever they want is fine with me.

Not for me!

Keep your clothes on, lady.
Think of your health.

It's cold.
-Cold? It's hot here!

Get undressed, quickly.
-Let's not play games.

I'm not used to this.

I already have a toothache,
please don't make me throw up!

This is going to end badly!

Let's swap women.
I'll give you ten roubles.

Leave me alone.
-Take that bone away!

Move your damned leg!

Enough!
I can't take this anymore.

And now, the magic moment...

A long kiss!

What do you want?
-I want to give you a long kiss.

Sure you don't want to swap?
He's longer than I am!

Request denied!

You're a man of steel.
You can resist any form of seduction!

See if he's a man of steel as well.
-I object!

Objection overruled!

Shall we try changing the subject?

Natasha!

Take care of his comrade.

Little Franco's ready for you!

There they are!

Please, don't hurt my little man...

Who kisses better than little
Father Nikita!

'Munitions Depot'

Where the hell are we?

Watch out!

Light a match.
-Wait...

Hurry up.
-My pocket is in the dark.

It must be a warehouse full of lemons.

I burnt my finger.
-Light another match.

I've got a toothache.
-Just think about getting out of here.

What's this?

Look at all those candles.
-Light one.

Look at this one.
It's so small.

What does it say?

Egg Marsala. (wine)
-Pity, I wanted to get drunk.

My tooth is killing me.

Put it out.

They've gone.

Let's go this way.

Let's take some candles.
-Yes.

Light it.
-It's fun lighting them!

My tooth still hurts.
It never happened to me before.

I told you not to think about it.

Where are we going?
-There must be a way out over there.

Why did they run away?
-They must have thought we were ghosts.

Let's go this way.
-Let's go.

I still can't figure out why
they ran away?

There's another door here.

Let's hope it's a good one.
-Let's hope so.

This door isn't opening.
-Push!

We don't need these candles any more.

Why did it explode?
-They must have left the gas on.

Let's just forget about it.
-Why is everyone after us?

How do I know?

This tooth is driving me nuts
-Don't think about it.

How can I avoid it?
It's in my mouth!

What can I do?
-I want to take it out.

Where are you going to find a dentist?
-Dentist! Are you my friend or not?

As a friend you must share my pain,
so you have to help me take it out.

Shall we bring them in?
-Wait, can still get away.

Sure.
-Let's see what they're up to first.

Calm down!

Are you ready?
-Yes.

I'm going.
-Bon voyage!

It's still there.
-What can I do if it's like your head?

It's not my fault.
-Wait...

Come with me.
-Where are you taking me?

I don't understand what
they're trying to do...

It looks like they're trying
to smash up a car.

Do you think it's time to intervene?
-Not yet.

Tell me what they're doing now?

I can't explain.
They're standing by a tree...

Tooth killer.

The death penalty has been abolished.
-Not in France.

I have one final request...
-That's your right, what do you want?

I want you to get rid of
this damned tooth.

That's what I'm doing!
-Then hurry up.

Are you ready?
-Very!

Long live Palermo and Santa Rosalia.

Have faith.

Patience.

It looks like one of them is
trying to hang himself.

That would make our job easier!

Mind my foot.

My foot and my tooth!
My tooth and my foot!

What the hell are they up to?
-They're so unpredictable.

Keep your eyes open, guys...

The boss will never forgive us
if we let them get away.

Are you sure it will work?
-It will work...

The foot was all we needed!

What are we getting rid of;
your foot or your tooth?

My tooth.
-Then trust me.

Are you ready?
-Very.

We've lost contact.

It must have been something serious.

I bet those two killed him.

Damn them.

Are you sure this string will hold?

I wouldn't want this to end up
just like the other times.

It will hold!
I'm a sea wolf!

And I'm a wolf cub.

Always have faith.
I'm going.

They're getting away!

We'll follow them in the speedboat.

We must stop them from reaching
the other beach, dead or alive!

Help!

What are they doing?
-Nothing, they're just shooting at you.

How can I run?
Can't you see I've got a flat?

Besides, I still have a
toothache and an injured foot!

Watch where you�re going.

There they are!
Quick!

Coast guard!

I wasn't expecting this gallery!

They've vanished.

This way.
You go that way.

Mao-Tung, what are you doing?

You fool!
Which way did they go?

Answer me.

They got away.
The one with the tooth was limping.

The speedboat!

Well?
-I haven't seen them.

They're not here.

It's easy, one of them is limping.

Look over there.
That priest is limping.

Do you see?

You two!
Stop!

They stole our robes!
-Coast guard!

What would you like?
-Four drinks.

They must be here.
I saw the Americans walking around.

If the cat's here then the mouse
can't be far away.

Where can those two mice be?

There's a problem,
I don't know what they look like.

Me neither.
-You can't mistake them...

It's very simple...

You all heard Mao-Tung,
the one with the tooth has a limp...

You'll spot him straight away.

I'm warning you,
be extremely cautious...

As soon as spot them, we'll remove
the tooth from the one with a limp.

Kill them, if necessary.
But silently!

We'll start here.

Keep your eyes open.
They can't get away.

Split up,
and look for someone with a limp.

No, it's not this one.
-Let's go.

No formula!
Let's keep looking.

Excuse me.

It's me! What are you doing?
Don't you recognise me?

But you're limping.

I get it.

It's them!
Over here!

We got it!

Are you sure he's a good dentist?
-Don't worry...

Don. Vincenzo assured me he's
the best dentist in the area.

Damn them.
They ruined all my teeth.

This way, please.

The gentleman can sit on this chair.

Thanks, but I'm getting off
at the next stop.

Pardon?
-Forget it, he's a bit thick.

I understand.
The doctor will be with you shortly.

Relax, nothing is going to happen to you.

Guess who?
-Ciccio, stop fooling around.

Subtitled by Merlin
www.cultfilmsubs.com

May