Original subtitles

No, no, no, don't worry!

Even though it starts back there, it's an amusing story.

Please let me introduce myself:

I'm the idiot who left the wipers on,

Mr. Leonida Bottacin.

A man of honest virtues.

Enlightened entrepreneur.

Age: something-two.

Widower.

Understand? A widower.

And it's for this reason alone that the story

started in such a mournful place.

Because you need to know that from the day

my incomparable consort was cruelly

stolen from me by adverse destiny

l came here, unconsoled and inconsolable, every

Wednesday and Saturday to bring flowers to her grave.

Please note the fresh lilies.

And given that it was a Wednesday, on being informed

by the grave-digger's wife by phone that I felt ill,

my loving, kind but dismayed nephews

quickly abandoned their serious duties

and came to succour me at the cemetery.

One beautiful day we'll see

a wisp of smoke rising

at the far edge of the sea.

Rapid and invisible dashes the submersible.

Straight and sound goes the torpedo.

And then the ship appears.

You motherfucker!

Oh, I'm sorry, Benito! Wait while l clean you off. Wait.

Leave it! Don't bother.

Look at that other idiot, he's flattening the battery.

Bringing flowers for poor auntie's fine,

but not in the rain.

Hope he has a heart attack, old fool.

He comes less often now.

You remember when she died he brought flowers every day.

And lilies, not just daisies.

5 years of lilies at 1,500 lire each,

it's practically a fortune.

And that tight-arse unscrews the light bulbs at home!

Over here, quick! Over here! He's in the house.

Quickly, for god's sake, quickly!

Uncle Leonida!

Take him away, there's no time to waste. Quickly!

How do you feel? What's the problem?

Who brought him here?

He came on foot. He knew the way.

Oh,so he felt bad at aunt's grave

and came here to ask for help.

To be honest, he was as fine as ever when he arrived.

- So? - So you've got to take him away.

Right now!

My dear woman we can't treat him badly.

He's had a heart attack he needs an ambulance!

But my husband's on his way!

Your husband... Your husband will understand!

And if he understands he'll give us a beating.

Pussy, boner, pussy...

Poor man, he liked it a lot.

My nephews decided it was obviously

best not to wait for an ambulance.

They threw me in the car and,

concealing the reason for my illness from everyone,

they took me home.

And here, while Dr. Pavan was treating my body,

Father Attilio, after having read the Last Rites,

desperately tried to save my soul with a Rosary.

All our servants were there: Nane and Tosca.

My poor Ramona's three nephews,

children of one of her brothers who died in Albania:

Gustavo, a retired soldier;

naughty Jole;

and Italia, the youngest,

who having married the expert oenologist Benito Marroto,

had unfortunately brought him home too.

This one crying is Adone,

the son of Jole

and somebody...

who preferred to remain incognito.

Pussy, boner, pussy...

Did he say something?

l didn't hear.

Sounded like it to me.

Pussy, boner...

- ... Ramona? - Ramona! Ramona!

- Yes, poor aunt Ramona! - He called her Mona.

Oh yes, Mona...

Pussy, boner...

Doctor, tell us for god's sake!

Well, sadly there's not much to say.

It's unlikely he'll survive the night.

Isn't there anything for it?

Pray.

And what was l doing?

Benito Varotto,

expert oenologist for Bottacin & Co.

Yes, Mr. Kitch. Can l speak to him? Thank you.

Come, come!.

Mr. Kitch, good night. No, I don't speak English.

Remember me? Benito Varotto?

No, not Cagotto, Varotto!

Too kind...

Listen,

can we talk about that thing again?

Still interested? Oh, good, good!

No, in truth the gentleman hasn't changed his mind,

he's, he's... - Changing his life!

He's changing his life!?

No, he's at the point of death, poor man.

You know: today here, gone tomorrow...

Tomorrow morning's fine!

You'll come to the firm, I'll expect you.

Nane?

- Yes? - I'm scared.

Who's going to come at this hour?

That's why I'm scared! You could be a brute.

Oh, don't break my balls.

Let's have a drink while the old man's still breathing.

Bastards! Looters!

VINEYARD COMM. LEONIDA BOTTACIN & CO.

VINEYARD BOTTACIN & VAROTTO

Nothing for me?

If you want a drink you must stick to the deal.

No, it's too cold here!

The wine will heat you up!

So, I'll have a drink first.

Oh no, my dear!

You won't cheat me.

- A quick bang first. - No.

Give it to me.

It's really good.

Now see how good this is.

It's like fire!

Tosca, look. Look, Tosca!

Let me taste it.

No.

The blouse...

No!

Some more...

What are you doing? You're spilling all of it.

Ah, this is the best of all.

Another one?

Yes, another one.

I've got the shoes.

Oh no, my dear! The shoes are not included

now it's the knickers' turn.

No, no, no. The knickers, no!

The knickers, no!

Well, the bar's closed then.

You're always drunk. Come here!

You're a thief, thief, thief.

Now the old man's dying you'll see...

Oh right, but we were having a little orgy.

I'll give you an orgy! Go away!

Go home now!

Thank you, Mr. Kitch.

As I was saying, we sole heirs...

Thanks a lot.

We sole heirs

have always liked your idea,

Mr. Kitch.

The participation of your company

at the capital level

could open up the international market for us.

So Bottacin & Co. would be transformed

into a leading company in the sector, agreed?

Poor Mr. Bottacin couldn't understand.

He had the old-fashioned mentality

of old-time entrepreneurs,

with all due respect to his efforts.

While it was you in the multi-nationals

who made us understand we could no longer survive as

artisans, because the consumers want to consume, right?

The vintage wine lover

is becoming ever rarer.

Today people prefer quantity to quality,

coloured water to good wine.

Now it's time for an aperitif, as they say!

Okay, Mr. Varotto.

Seeing as we're all agreed...

Oh, you Americans...

l admire you!

Always straight to the point...

We say...

Right, right.

The fact is that we're all agreed,

apart from the deceased

who isn't deceased yet...

Mr Bottacin...

isn't dead?

No, meaning yes.

It's as if he was.

I'm expecting the call anytime now.

If you'll permit me, I'll call home.

Who's that? Tosca?

Get me my wife.

Well, Italia?

He's in a coma!

What does the doctor say?

36 hours.

Does he guarantee it?

It's fatal.

Yes, good.

36 hours.

But every hour

is fatal.

Be optimistic, yes, but be prudent.

It's true he's survived the 36 hours,

and this is a positive fact which gives great hope.

But let's not count chickens,

a second attack would be fatal.

Fatal?

Fatal, fatal.

There's a sword of Damocles over his head.

l dare say

a lot depends on you all.

Us?

Obviously!

It's as if the gentleman died

and was reborn!

You've got to treat him like a new-born baby,

wrap him in cotton wool.

Don't leave him alone for a minute.

Indeed in this respect I'd recommend

trusting in specialist assistance.

Meaning?

A qualified nurse

who'll be with him 24 hours a day.

She'll know what to do

in an emergency.

Of course, a nurse. Alright.

Alright.

Uncle Leonida?

l think he'll survive us all!

Really! Mum, he's better!

Come on! Cheer up,

the worst is over!

- Madam, I'll pass by this evening. - Thank you.

- Thank you,doctor. - Madam, see you this evening.

Benito.

Colonel. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Good god!

What, what, what will l say to the Americans?!

- What can l invent? - Quiet, Benito!

Calm down! Quiet Benito, you can be heard!

That clown, that charlatan!

- He can't even treat cows! - Benito!

He can't distinguish a heart attack from a hernia!

"36 fataI hours"!

Not 35, not 37, but 36!

"Fatal, fatal, fatal," my arse!

Benito, don't be vulgar.

Gustavo, don't break my balls.

But Benito, it's not the doctor's fault he's not dead.

Oh,"it's not the doctor's fault he's not dead".

"He won't survive the night". "He'll survive us all"!

The Americans will wait like everybody else.

The Americans are waiting

to say "cheers" with Bottacin wine.

What will l say to Mr. Kitch?!

What do you want to do? Kill him?

We can only wait

and hope.

Weeds never die.

Well, now that he's better I can say...

he's a big hypocrite!

Novenas and rosaries at home but outside...

Lying in shirt and socks

on that cow's bed

close to poor Aunt Ramona's grave.

A hypocrite and a pig too.

Lunch is getting cold.

We're not hungry!

Tosca...

Yes, sir?.

Didn't Mr. Bottacin try it on with you?

You know... a kiss, a fondle?

What a question, Mr. Benito...

Come on, speak!

To be honest, soon after Madam died.

Even inside the house!

But then he told me he'd become celibate.

Celibate? ln reality he'd found the grave-digger's wife.

A really dirty man.

A perverted dirty man.

Practically a necrophiliac.

We could always get the grave-digger's wife as a nurse!

How can it be that you always have such stupid thoughts!

No, no, no.

It's definitely not stupid.

Oh, fuck off!

You're over-revving it, it's not a Fiat 500!

Excuse me, but sometimes you've got to.

You need to know that two years before

my illness that mongoloid Benito managed to become

a fracture champion when he fell out of the bath.

Femur, tibia, fibula, humerus, ulna and radius.

To put him back together,

we had to take him to Switzerland

to a famous orthopedic clinic

where he spent over 8 months

and made...

his good acquaintances.

Car?

Yes.

All busted up?

Yes.

Suffer, you kraut!

Very kind! Thank you... thank you...

My pleasure, cunt.

Comfortable, eh?

Hope you get cancer!

Benito!

Anna!

- Darling! - My darling!

Oh, I'm sorry, Benito.

l wasn't sure I'd find you.

ln fact l had no hope.

Why?

Perhaps you thought I'd already be married?

It's obvious,

a woman like you...

or has every doctor suddenly

become impotent?

Oh, they all touch me up,

from the Chief Physician downwards.

I'm the stupid one,

someone who always chooses the wrong doctor

remains a lifelong nurse.

Just a minute. That gynecologist...

you know the one who wanted to leave his wife

to marry you?

lt finished when he took his wife to the clinic

to give birth to his third child.

You wanted to leave your wife to marry me.

Er, yes, but l was saying it for real.

You were wrong not to take me seriously.

You get over choosing the wrong doctor,

but choosing the wrong patient as well...

Come on, Benito, it was fun,

but l knew that's all it was.

Well, I'm probably too traditional,

and you don't have to believe me,

but it was a tremendously serious thing for me.

Seeing as l don't have to believe you,

l don't believe you.

Come on, Benito,

the knocks I've received

have been useful for something.

At least I'm not charmed by

the first idiot who comes into the clinic

with a leg to be treated.

How beautiful, how tall,

how fleshy!

Oh, Benito!

Tell me the truth, did you at least think

of me occasionally in all this time?

Everyday, my dear.

Mornings and evenings.

Before or after meals?

You don't believe me?

Give me a light.

Right away.

Oh, it's not working.

Nothing of yours ever works.

I'm being unfair.

Surprise!

Oh no, Benito, you're crazy! What's got into your head?

Have l become someone you've got to pay now?

No, no, no.

Benito,

what is it? Tell me.

First payment on your villa.

What villa?

Or a splendid chalet if you prefer.

View of the Alps, heated swimming pool, sauna.

And you're doing all this for me?

For Uncle Leonida.

Uncle? Uncle Leonida? Uncle? Look!

Look what I've brought you...

Uncle. Uncle!

Look, look at the nurse.

She's your personal nurse, uncle.

- Do you like her? - Pussy, pussy, pussy.

Yes, yes, pussy, yes.

Uncle, uncle...

Let's go now. Can't you see uncle needs to rest?

He's in your hands...

...miss!

Let's go.

Traitor, dirty rat.

I'm not blind, you scoundrel,

- you rogue, you whorer! - My love!

You're a sex maniac, you are!

If you think you can bring your Swiss cow home...

Me?

Yes, with that tramp of a nurse!

I'm not ltalia!

- l know, l know! - I'll cut it off!

I'll castrate you, castrate you...

- No, Jole, let's talk! - I'll castrate you!

And l always loved you in the shadows.

l was contented with Italia's leftovers.

l gave you all of me, my best years!

l even gave you a son!

No, dear! You'd already had him!

What do you mean by that?

Do you mean I'm a whore,

you mean I'm a whore?

Oh, no.

Here's the whore!

Here's the whore!

Here's the whore!

No, calm down!

Here's the whore! Here's the whore!

Fuck the whore! Fuck the whore!

No, Jole, calm down don't ruin the family'!

Here! Here! Here's the whore!

Here!

Don't come closer, you know?

Don't come closer or I'll scream.

I'll bring the house down.

If you come forward I'll scream for help.

I'll scream for help!

Help.

Help.

Help.

Help.

Help.

Help.

Ah, help...

Ah, help...

Ah, help...

Help... Hel...

Benito, will you pass the salt please?

Many thanks, very kind.

Good evening everyone!

Good evening.

The young lady's Uncle Leonida's nurse.

- oh. - Why are you late in mess?

You know he has Latin practice on Thursdays.

Let him answer for himself.

What are you doing standing at attention?

Move! Forward!

Of course, Uncle Gustavo.

Aren't you taking your cap off?

Of course, Uncle Benito.

With your permission, I'll be right back.

And the books? Do you have to leave them

lying around the whole house?

- Of course, Aunt ltalia. - TelI Tosca to bring your soup.

Alright, mother.

How old is he?

l had him when I was 18.

Oh, you're a widow?

- Yes. - No!

Here's the fruit.

And Adone's soup?

l didn't know he'd arrived.

If nobody tells me anything...

What a madhouse!

What's wrong with you this evening?

We're on the bridge.

Defensive fire

20 seconds after my signal.

Ready?

Fire!

This is Pirate Radio.

First bulletin.

Colonel,

now that the old man's dying

you can buy yourself a tank, can't you?

Nane!

Drunkard of a thief!

Leave my radio alone!

We'll cut you to pieces, you war-mongering shit!

Come here, you chicken!

Come out into the open,

if you've got the guts!

If uncle dies, I'll have you fired!

Forward Savoy!

l forbid you to speak that name!

Run, run, then you're stomach will get smaller, you queer.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Oh my god, god, god.

l see nudity.

Delirium tremens.

I've got to stop drinking.

Nane, l see you!

You know you won't get away.

Give me back the radio right now!

You rogue, I'll catch you, you rat.

Good morning.

Hello? Hello!

We've joined the navy, have we?

How come it's turning red? It's not vinegar.

Do you need help, Mr Benito?

No!

I'm still here, Mr Benito.

Take it.

Thank you.

Well?

Well?!

I'm not sure.

Drink it slowly. Sip it, no tall at once!

Come on!

A Recioto,

full garnet red colour,

smooth,

harmonious,

rounded,

bouquet of mature fruit,

pleasantly sweet, warm...

Yes, l know that, for god's sake!

Get to the point!

Get to the point!

Fairly alcoholic,

14 point 4 degrees,

lightly sparkling.

Tannin:

0.2 to 0.4%.

2 or 4?

0.04

Sulphurous anhydride...

380-391. A bit too much.

Did you blend this wine, Mr. Benito?

Why do you ask?

Because it seems too good!

I'll break you in half! I'll break you rat!

May l express my condolences yet,

Mr. Varotto?

The 36 fatal hours are well past.

I'm still expecting your call.

As you've seen I'm patient,

but not for eternity.

Yes, yes, of course, Mr. Kitch.

l can assure you it's just a question of hours or days.

At the most, of course.

Listen to me.

Just a few days ago you told me

he was practically in his grave.

What happened? Did he jump out?

No, he's still in a coma, damn it!

But there are 'comas'

and... 'comas'.

How deep is this one?

How deep? Really deep,

like the Grand Canyon!

The Grand Canyon...

The old man's got a tough skin, hasn't he?

Yes, he's really got a tough skin.

He's full-bodied like the wine he produces!

Full-bodied, eh?

Well,

the body's corruptible

and... mortal.

lt must be concluded, Mr. Varotto.

ls there any hope?

No, no! There isn't any hope! Completely without hope!

So, no hope.

Well, I wish you good luck.

- Speak to you soon. - Yes, yes, of course.

- We'll speak very soon. I'll call you. - No, no.

Don't call me,

I'll call you.

Tosca,

go to the lady. She called you.

Which lady?

Which ever one you want! Hurry up!

Oh, l see...

Yes, yes, I'm going, yes.

But... can he see?

Yes.

- So he saw the... - Of course.

Oh! Oh,Virgin Mary!

He doesn't like it any more.

What could have happened

that he doesn't like it anymore? We're ruined,

ruined...

Uncle Leonida! Uncle Leonida!

Think of your family! Please come back, come back!

- Uncle Leonida! - Pussy, pussy, pussy.

Oh, fuck off! He scared me.

He definitely still likes it.

What were you hoping?

That he'd rape me as soon as he saw me?

Come, come with me. You and l have got to have a talk.

What do you want to talk about? Can't you see how he is?

Listen to me, Anna.

There's an urgency here that you can't begin to imagine.

All I can say is:

"Do it baby, and America's yours"!.

It's time to attack!

lt doesn't depend on me, nature has its laws.

He needs to recuperate a bit first.

Recuperate! How long will that take?

As long as it takes.

Money thrown away... Seven days have passed...

We'll give a week's pay... to that bitch.

Today we speak in verse!

Yes, of rage! Hope she gets cholera!

Patience, idiot. The nurse has her strategy!

The Colonel has spoken!

It's true!

For uncle to feel worse he must first feel better!

- Who said that? - Benito!

The idiot spoke...

What's it all about?

It's that nature defends itself...

To feel worse, he must first feel better!

How much better?

Well enough to be able to... feel worse.

But how much worse?

Worse, worse.

Worse, worse?.

Worse, worse!.

If l left this part of the story

in its original idiom, it's because I wanted

you to really appreciate

the thoughtful delicacy of my heirs.

One week had passed in vain

and the presence of a highly-specialized,

and even more highly-paid nurse,

had not achieved the desired result.

Or rather, if there was a result,

it didn't concern me.

Such sweet decorum... And such gentle grace,

Attend my Lady's greetings, as she moves...

But, lips can only tremble into silence...

And eyes, do not attempt to gaze at her...

Moving benignly, Clothed in humility...

Untouched by all the praise, along her way,

She seems to be a creature come from...

Miraculously gracious to behold,

Her sweetness, reaches through the eyes... the heart.

Who has not felt this, cannot understand

And from her lips it seems there moves

A gracious spirit, so deeply loving,

that it guards into the souls of men:

Sigh...

Well, sir, we've returned to life haven't we?

Mummy.

Oh, yes.

l started to feel better.

And at this point l could say he's out of danger...

But, no! The danger starts now.

A second heart attack has no forgiveness.

If you want him alive you've got to

balance on a knife-edge...

You most of all, miss.

Yes, doctor!

The patient is in your hands.

Oh no! You don't lean that way.

It's not that. I'm just hard to please.

That's why I'm a good guinea pig.

You're not completely wrong.

If it works on him, it'll work on anybody.

Your uncle doesn't need encouraging

to touch me up.

You didn't understand me.

It's not just about a quick feel.

Last night l read in "Healing"

that a screw is relaxing.

It's the tension,

the desire and excitement

which mixes up all the blood inside

preparing for copulation in such a way that...

He's got to throw himself into it like a kamikaze.

That's it, right! Like Pearl Harbor.

Oh, Pearl Harbor!

He can't piddle around,

he's got to throw himself into it.

What's with the hat?

My cap.

I'm still a nurse.

l know, but you're a nurse of a certain kind.

Why are you all buttoned-up? Unbutton, unbutton!

You have to...

Oh, there's been an improvement!

See?

Goon, give him the thermometer again.

No, no, no!

Where are you putting it?

The other side, damn it!

I'll show you.

Nothing...

nothing must be left to chance.

You've got to exploit every opportunity.

Any excuse is a good one.

Haven't you ever seen a sexy film?

Pure technique.

Sit down here.

Relax

and watch carefully.

This is how it's done.

If you're leaning over

it's obvious you see more.

Of your vest?

Everyone knows the military have no imagination.

And now, see how you should continue...

Removal of the thermometer.

Reading of the temperature.

ls the allusion clear?

The phallic symbol!

Oh, mein gott,

my little pencil!

Where's my little pencil?

Little pencil.

I'm looking for my little pencil. Where?

I'm searching for my little pencil. Little pencil.

Oh, here's my little pencil.

Got the hint?

If you act like that

he's guaranteed to die.

Yes, of laughter...

Drink, sir.

The thermometer has to be removed.

Where did you put it?

My temperature doesn't rise under my armpit, so...

Remove it yourself, come on.

l can't, I'll drop the glass.

But my bottom isn't dropping.

No, it's not dropping, thank god.

Look, look what a lovely instrument you have here.

It's a real mandolin, just how l like them.

Let's play a little tune together.

Pain in the arse! It's like being in a station.

May l? Sorry to disturb you,

l wanted to say good night.

Good night. Good night, good night.

- Good night. - Good night, Adone.

Good night. Good night!

Do you need anything, miss?

No, no, no, she doesn't need anything. Go away.

Can I get you anything from town tomorrow?

Listen, he's precious but he's a bore too, you know?

Sir!...

Yes, radio batteries.

How many volts?

3,000.

Oh, I don't know. Let's go and check.

I'll give you 'radio'...

lt won't unscrew.

Do you want to try?

Wait, I'll help you.

Damn.

Adone, what are you up to? Leave her in peace!

1.5 volts. I'll get some for you tomorrow.

Alright, thanks.

We have to go now, or uncle will get nervous.

A station, just like a station.

May l? May l say hello?

Here's the Lagoon Arrow train.

And you too.

Always here, always under everyone's feet.

You know uncle needs peace, he's got to rest.

Exactly!

Out.

Everybody out!

You too.

I've just brought you

a relaxing read.

DEEP THREAT

'Night, uncle,

and sweet dreams.

Goodbye.

Lock it with the key because tonight's going badly.

All we need now is Gustavo to play lights-out.

Left! Forward! March!

The 'Breaching of Porta Pia'?

No.

- The 'Breaching of Porta Pia'? - No, no, no.

The 'Breaching of Porta Pia'?

Murderous coward.

Charge!

The powder's getting damper and damper.

A fanfare was enough for him once.

And don't ask me how l know, because

I've also got my secret services.

Sir, every family has a black sheep.

We've got a flock!

You're lucky you can laugh,

but l assure you it's something to cry about.

Maybe his powder's damp,

but Mr. Gustavo's doing an encore.

What encore?

It's Tosca, poor fool.

She tries it every time,

but the cannon won't fire any more.

- Tosca! - At your service.

- Where's the young lady? - The nurse?

She's not upstairs.

Then l don't know.

l saw her talking to Mr. Benito in the living room

earlier, but now l don't know.

How beautiful, how tall, how fleshy!

Anna, tall Anna! You make me lose my head.

- My god, my god! - Did you hear it?

Jole! It's all over, all over!

There's no-one here.

Maybe it was a mouse.

The batteries!

Damn! Drunkard! Rogue! Bugger off!

Bastard! Idiot!

It's an emergency!

Didn't you hear the siren, inhuman people?

A tube of "Piramidone'", doctor.

I'm not a doctor, and this isn't a pharmacy.

You got the wrong door, Nane.

Damn!

l was called by instinct.

Well, now that I'm here, give me a grappa.

- ls the old man worse? - No, no.

It's the youngster, Adone.

He was suddenly hit by a raging fever.

No, no Adone.

No, my dear. It's me, your mother.

- Whore. - What did you say?

Whore!

Don't you recognize me, Adone?

- Don't you recognize your mummy? - Whore!

Tart...

He's delirious.

Growing pains.

Whore! Tart! Sow!

"How beautiful, how tall, how fleshy!"

Adone, snap out of it!

Pussy!

He's delirious.

He won't say anything,

I'm certain.

Wait till the fever passes,

and I'll take care of him.

How?

l don't know.

l obviously can't deny what he saw.

But if he didn't just see us? If he heard us?

What? The romantic words

you were saying at the time?

It's not a laughing matter!

Take a step back to when we were talking about uncle.

You said he was on the road to his grave,

and l asked you if you could push him forwards.

Exact words.

But that was earlier.

How do you know how long he was spying there for?

- My god! - That wanker!

I'm out.

No, Anna, what are you doing? Bloody hell!

This isn't the time to lose your head!

And if he tells Mr. Bottacin, or the police?!

Relax.

Nothing's happened yet.

Let's talk it over.

I'm out.

- I'm scared. - No, for god's sake.

Let's think before we give it all up.

After all the work I've done!

Come on, darling,

if you don't help me...

ldiot!

We've been waiting 3 hours for you!

Where's the "Piramidone"?

It's here, here, here.

The delay was regrettably due

to losing my way. Good evening.

Give it to me.

Give it to me. If we wait for you to take it...

Thank you, thank you.

ln that case

I'll take the opportunity to finish something

l left, l left...

half-finished.

- I'm still here. - Right.

Oh, sweet kisses. Oh,

languid caresses.

While trembling

Oh, my god!

What happened?

He got drunk.

Take the "Piramidone".

Mr Bottacin?

He's reading.

Anna... Anna!

If he dies now

and Adone knows something, that's it.

So try to keep calm.

l have never loved life as l do now.

Mr. Bottacin, Mr. Bottacin!

Oh, my god,

you scared me.

I've got a tough skin.

lt sent me to sleep,

these books are dead boring.

l like to do things,

not read about them.

No, sir, you mustn't be naughty.

l could be very dangerous in your condition.

Mr. Bottacin!

Hi! How do you feel?

STRATEGY OF A MURDER

Sometimes you act like a child.

How stupid of me,

you are a child!

If not,

it wouldn't be necessary to tell you certain things.

Good heavens, Adone,

you caught me with your uncle... so what?

Yes, alright, at...

at your age you see things through...

...poet's eyes,

you worship people you like.

Because you liked me, didn't you?

Adone, look at me.

If there's something I'm sorry about

it's having ruined that feeling,

but l don't feel to blame

because a woman... You see, a single woman

needs...

a man,

even if he's a cretin.

lt happens to everyone,

I'm not an exception.

The 3 minutes are up.

Please close the door when you leave.

Jealousy, it's all jealousy!

l told you there was nothing else.

- You think so? - Yes.

- Know how he welcomed me? - How?

By reading "Strategy of a Murder".

Bloody bastard! Now he wants a war of nerves.

lt can't be a coincidence, can it?

No, unfortunately not.

No, no, wait. And if it was a coincidence?

You're hard-headed.

You've got to consider all the possibilities.

Does it seem right to you that the American business

goes down the pan due to a novice

who likes reading thrillers? No, no...

We've got to drag out everything he knows.

You definitely don't lack the means to find out.

I'm not involved anymore.

Oh, come on, darling, meine shatzy.

What have you got to lose?

If he knows something, we'll give it all up,

and you'll happily go back to

your cuckoo clocks in Bern.

You can count on it, mydear! On the first plane!

Alright...

Strategy of a Murder?

Strategy of a fuck-up!

Colonel?

Decaffeinated?

Oh yes, decaffeinated.

Who's that? Tee-ron-eh Pover?

Tyrone Power! Idiot!

Tyrone Power!

Romina's father?

Jole, it's Albano's father-in-law!

l heard you, l heard you.

It's the third year of the war.

Hitler's force shave already invaded Europe.

Stalin's army is in difficulty.

Goering's Luftwaffe is opposed only by proud,

fully-stretched England.

"Perfidious Albion'", as he called it.

London inflames.

Good evening.

Good evening.

Do you prefer being closer or farther away?

Get up. Let the nurse be comfortable, come on.

Jole? Jole, you come here.

No, no, you stay there.

Make yourself comfortable.

ltalia, take that chair over there.

What's all this about?

You're not transparent, you know.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

It's one of those films you love.

But on the 7th of December '41,

a Sunday, on the orders of AdmiraI Yamamoto, the Japanese

attack the United States of America by surprise.

It's Pearl Harbor.

Evil yellow-faced traitors!

All's fair in love and war!

Mr. Gustavo...

Uncle Gustavo. Where are you going?

l thought you liked the film.

I've already seen it twice... twice.

Fuck you. It's always these porn films.

Joe, Joe!

Mary! Mary, I'm here!

Look Jole! Jole, he looks just like Romina!

My love, my love!

Oh Mary, you've arrived at last.

Joe, I thought l wouldn't arrive in time.

Mary, Mary, Mary, I'll make the Japanese pay

for stealing the first night of our honeymoon.

Be careful, my love.

I'll come back, l promise you.

I'll come back.

I'll be waiting for you, my love,

I'll be waiting for you!

Let's play soldiers, eh?

War is war,

and in war there's always a black-out.

"Make love, not war",

but he makes love and war.

lt doesn't seem right to me,

l want peace...

...peace of mind!

Bloody electricity company! Who cut the electricity?

What a shame, Benito.

We'll miss the whole film.

Hope it makes you impotent

for the rest of your life!

Dramatic, isn't it?

It's a tragedy.

What are you doing here?

What do you want?

l didn't call for you. l don't need anything!

Why don't you go now?

What are you trying to do?

You're crazy! Leave me in peace!

l won't look anyway!

So don't look.

Roma!

Conti... Negrisolo... Rocca...

Cordova... Santarini...

Porini... Prati...

De Sisti... Ba...

Don't laugh, don't laugh!

Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh,

don't laugh!

Whore! l hate you, l hate you!

- Whore! - Yes!

Whore! Murderer!

What did you say? I'm telling you,

repeat it. Repeat that word.

Say "murderer'!

l got it out of you, didn't l?

Look me in the face, look at me!

Do you think I've got a criminal's face?

But l heard you!

l know you heard, you heard well.

But you didn't understand anything.

l understood everything!

You've made a deal with Uncle Benito!

Not just with him,

but with the entire holy family,

your mother included.

Yes, her too.

She's in it up to her neck.

That's why they got me to come here from Switzerland.

l thought I'd be up to it...

basically it's just helping an old man to die.

But when l was faced with him

l couldn't do it.

Liar! You were just waiting for the right opportunity!

If I'd wanted to, your uncle would have

already been in the cemetery for some time now.

Do you love Uncle Benito?

How stupid!

I'm just trying to gain time.

So?

So what?

I'm scared to look at you.

I'm ashamed.

Please forgive me,

you're an angel!

No, I'm not exactly an angel,

but in my life I've never even hurt a fly.

Don't you feel a bit stupid?

Me? No, never.

Why?

She was supposed to give the uncle the last rites,

but she's...

baptizing the nephew instead.

Whore! Tart! What's she doing up there?

I've got a stomach ache from the nerves!

With all that salami?

That's the fifth you've eaten, so it's not nerves.

We've been waiting 2 hours.

There's no news, is there?

Oh, fuck!

Adone's taking care of that!

l confess

that with a little fanfare in the background

l could also...

Well?

He knows nothing.

lt was all jealousy.

Great, great!

So everything's like it was before.

A real toast's appropriate now!

Wine, vin nouveau, holy wine,

Mr. Bottacin goes into the holy ground.

She's doing it, Benito, she's doing it!

Benito, Benito

she's doing it!

Benito! Benito, she's doing it,

she's doing it! She's doing it!

At last, she's decided to listen to me.

At last.

Yes, but in over 20 days did

she have to do it right now?

Well?

She's doing it, she's doing it!

Look, look!

Under the weeping willow.

Fuck!

Poor old Ramona called this the 'Path of Love'.

Looks like a path of shit to me.

I'm sorry l brought you here, Anna,

but to be honest

l had something else in mind.

Good god, I'm covered in shit!

You deserve it.

You keep forgetting I'm a nurse

and you're a patient

and there are some things you can't do.

No, no, no. Now you've punished me,

we can go back inside.

Well?

Has she finished?

Finished.

And him?

Walking.

The final footsteps!

Give them to me.

Why are you laughing?

The pig's fine, he's revived!

Mr. Benito!

America's on the telephone!

What else can l say to the Americans?

What can l tell them?

He could have given me an appointment in paradise,

that son of a bitch. He's got a Cadillac, automatic!

Relax, relax, Benito, calm down.

He's got the money, but he's American.

Na�ve people, big kids.

Can't compare with the shrewd Latins, the Latin lover.

Two well-chosen words and Mr. Kitch

will wait 'tiI Judgement Day.

"Dear Mr. Kitch

your interest in Bottacin & Co. is obvious. "

Obvious, my arse!

This road goes to Zanibon & Toso Brothers

to the Bruseghin & Traverso cellars,

to the Veneta Winery...

it's all over, all over!

Careful, Benito, careful!

lt all depends on you now.

Bloody hell, now it's raining as well.

Saint Justine give me the words,

Saint Sophia help me tell a good lie,

Saint Gaetano confuse this cunt of an American...

America is always punctual.

I've got good news, good news.

We're there, almost.

Just a few small formalities.

ls he dead?

That's one of the formalities.

You're a turd, Mr. Cagotto.

Varotto.

No, no, no, Cagotto.

Fuck off!

lN ECHO'S VALLEY: THE CELLARS ZANIBON &TOSO BROTHERS

It's too much.

Take it anyway.

Consider it as confirming our recognition

of how well you treated Mr. Bottacin

and that we're just friends again.

l can't. l didn't do anything to deserve it.

That's what l said.

Please Italia, we agreed we wouldn't stir up trouble.

Alright, alright.

No, no, no, Madam Italia's right.

Our deal was a different one,

and l broke it voluntarily.

You what?!

l thought you'd realized.

lt seemed obvious.

When I came here we agreed

I'd act in a certain way with Mr. Bottacin...

You didn't take me on to cure him.

So?

l didn't want to.

When I saw him

so defenseless,

l realized l didn't have

the qualities of a murderer,

and then l ended up liking him.

So l acted a part for you

to give him time to heal.

And l assure you it was needed because

Mr. Leonida can be really

naughty when he wants to.

What? You ugly cow! Traitor!

Benito! Benito, no!

I'll kill you, I'll kill you, I'll kill you!

You whore, whore!

Take your severance pay and go.

No, I can't accept it.

What, that bitch wants to threaten us?

No, no, I don't...

How much do you want? You've got a price, haven't you?

l told you l don't want anything!

Your money makes me sick!

So, get out right now!

Get out! Out!

No, damn it! You've all got to go!

But uncle, you don't really think we...

Out!

Sir!

Murderous scum!

Remember the doctor's advice.

Out.

l don't want to hear about you ever again.

No more fanfares no more bragging!

and above all, no more cuckolding.

The only thing I dislike

is that I can't get angry.

Uncle...

Fuck off.

We're going, we're going. It's all that tart's fault.

You're the tart!

Ugly whore that you are!

Get out of here, you blood-suckers!

Eating someone else's bread!

You tried to suck my blood

but now the party's over!

Hope you die of hunger! Of hunger!

- One's out. - Pleb!

Two out.

Three out.

The fall of the Third Reich!

Bloody hell.

You're laughing, eh?

Now you're all mine.

Where do you think you're running to?

Come here, come here!

Butterfly,

butterfly!

Goodbye, Uncle Leonida.

Adone, remember this house

is always open to you. Bye.

Adone! Let's go! Hurry up!

Goodbye, Anna.

Bye, Adone.

Bye.

Goodbye.

No, no, no, no, no.

Fortunately the story doesn't end here.

Or unfortunately...

"To Mr. Giovanni 'Nane' Garbin,

Villa Bottacin, Conegliano Veneto, Province of Treviso:

Greetings, Mr. Leonida and wife".

"To Dear Miss Tosca Floria Zanin

Villa Bottacin, Conegliano Veneto,

Province of Treviso: See you soon.

Leonida and Anna Bottacin".

"To Dear Nephew Adone Scarpa,

Barbarigo College, Padua:

A fond embrace

from Aunt Anna and Uncle Leonida

on their wedding day".

The postcards for the other relatives

weren't sent because Anna tore them up,

and maybe she was right because

they were a bit heavy.

Thank you. And for the gentleman?

I'd like two spaghetti alle vongole without sauce.

- Good. - And lobster

- yes lobster too. - Anything else, sir?

Yes, a bit of "baccal� alla vicentina"

with polenta and some fried potatoes.

- Very good, sir. - For dessert...

this chocolate mousse cake.

Listen, while we're waiting would you do us

- a mixed seafood salad? - Of course.

- A nice seafood starter. - Excuse me,

do you have any Bottacin wine?

- Of course, sir. - Good, very good.

No, no, no. My husband was joking.

None of those things.

- Bring him a consomm�... - As you wish, madam.

...a very light one, a well-cooked veal steak.

and a small salad. That's all, thank you.

- Your suite number? - 112.

112, thank you.

Thank you.

Listen, have I just got married or gone into hospital?

That'll teach you to marry a nurse!

You'll see, nurse...!

Here we are...

Oh, what beautiful roses, Leonida!

Ah, my little wife!

Put me down, silly man!

What did you think? That you'd married a wreck?

What's going on! They're all idiots!

No, no, no, Leonida, Leonida...

...l asked for them to be separated.

Look,

I've already been married once

and I can assure you

it's uncomfortable.

For what?

Well... what do you mean "for what"? For...

What are you thinking about?

You're not serious, are you?.

Am l serious? But that's all I think about!

- Come on, come on! Now, now!. - No!.

Darling, you promised the doctor

you'd be reasonable.

- You promised. - That was just talk.

But you've got to keep your promise. Stop it!

Stop it, or I'll change rooms, understand?!

Honeymoon?

Shit-moon!

Valerian...

Forgotten anything?

Come on, you moaner, go to bed.

You tired yourself out today.

First night of our honeymoon with the paper...

Read it to me.

"Man rapes 70 year old mother-in-law

and hangs himself".

Isn't there anything less miserable?

Come on, read.

"New American space launch.

Yesterday the Myrol-1 satellite

was launched from Cape Canaveral.

The new probe has established

an elliptical orbit above our planet

of between 310 and 315 kilo...

metres"...

And then?

Then... l lost my place.

"The spacecraft has a 6-year life.

The electronic brain aboard is powered

by 2 solar batteries.

It controls the functioning of 2 film cameras

4 photographic cameras"...

Continue.

"The, the, the aim of the mission

is the study of, the study of"

...the migration of ants...

Ants don't migrate.

No. And it would be

stupid to study them with a satellite anyway.

l can't stand it. l can't stand it!

l can't stand it! l can't stand it, Anna!

l can't stand it, Anna!

No, no, no Leonida. Your blood pressure...

adrenaline. The doctor told you to be patient.

l want to see him in my shoes!

Come on, come on, relax.

Think of all the time we'll have

when you've recovered.

Cover yourself!

Oh, yes, I'm sorry.

It's all my fault. Go back to bed.

I'll give you a sedative later.

Bromide.

Be good.

Come on.

There you are.

Like this.

Good.

No, no, lie down.

That's it.

And sleep, alright?

Yes, and tomorrow the doctor will visit me...

No!

Leonida!

You really are naughty.

- Sleep well, my love. - But...!

Anna! Anna, are you asleep?

Resist, resist,

resist Leonida.

Oh, Leonida. Are you crazy?

What are you doing?

Leonida, no, no, no.

Doctor's orders.

What are you doing? Think about the adrenaline

your suprarenals. Think of me.

Listen to me, resist it.

Think of your myocardium, your heart...

Ah, pussy, pussy, pussy...

That's right, here we are.

Unfortunately that Jonah of a doctor was right.

The second heart attack screwed me for good.

No, no, no, no regrets.

Tell me the truth, Anna's really beautiful, isn't she?

Her hair... you can't see it now

because it's tied up inside her hat,

but when it falls on her shoulders

she's a smasher.

And what eyes... what eyes!

And all the rest... l died on top of her.

And then she loved me,

how she loved me!

Yes, she loved you.

Shut up, you unbeliever.

l can speak as much as l want.

Ramona, please.

In any case, you couldn't have died with me.

Naturally. You didn't give in to any temptation!

l know!

l know you never could stand me...

For god's sake,

we've got an eternity ahead of us.

...because you never loved me!

Ramona, don't piss me off!