Original subtitles

Julia: ALL RIGHT, YOU ARE NOW

OFFICIALLY A PRUNE, AND IT IS

WAY PAST YOUR BEDTIME.

WHAT'S THIS, HONEY? IS THIS

BLOOD?

Annie: IT'S A MOSQUITO BITE.

Sean: I THOUGHT WE KEPT THE

IBUPROFEN IN THE KITCHEN.

Julia: HONEY, MAYBE DADDY WOULD

LIKE TO SEE YOUR MOSQUITO BITE.

Sean: MY BABY'S GOT A BITE?

Julia: THERE'S SOME BLOOD ON HER

UNDERWEAR, SOME SPOTTING.

Sean: UH...HOW DID THE MOSQUITO

GET IN YOUR UNDERWEAR, HONEY?

Annie: I FORGOT. THEY'RE TORI'S

UNDERWEAR.

Sean: WHO'S TORI?

Julia: SUZANNE EPSTEIN'S

DAUGHTER. THEY'RE IN SCHOOL

TOGETHER. SWEETHEART, THESE ARE

YOUR UNDERWEAR. WE BOUGHT THEM

TOGETHER, REMEMBER?

Annie: OH...RIGHT.

Annie: IS SOMETHING WRONG?

Julia: OH...SWEETHEART. IT'S

JUST THAT, UH...YOU'RE STARTING

PUBERTY.

Annie: WHAT'S PUBERTY?

[MONITOR BEEPING]

Liz: LUNCHTIME LIPO ON A

HIGH-SCHOOL SENIOR--AMAZING.

Christian: NOBODY WANTS A

RAH-RAH GIRL WITH CELLULITE.

Sean: THE PATIENT'S AIMING FOR A

CHEERLEADING SCHOLARSHIP AT USF.

UNFORTUNATELY, WE LIVE IN A

WORLD WHERE SMOOTH THIGHS

MATTER.

Liz: WE SHOULD START OFFERING

LIPOSUCTION TO OVERWEIGHT

NEWBORNS, GET THOSE TUBBY

10-POUNDERS STARTED OFF RIGHT.

[BEEP]

THAT WAS A JOKE, FELLAS. YOU

BOTH LOOK LIKE SOMEONE JUST

STOLE YOUR FIRSTBORN.

Christian: WELL, THEY'RE

CERTAINLY TRYING. GINA TRACKED

DOWN WILBUR'S BIOLOGICAL FATHER.

A BLOOD TEST CONFIRMED

PATERNITY, AND NOW HE'S DECIDED

TO ALIGN HIMSELF WITH HER IN THE

CUSTODY HEARING.

Sean: 2 BIOLOGICAL PARENTS IS A

PRETTY STACKED DECK, CHRISTIAN.

[POUNDS TRAY, RATTLING]

Christian: A DRUNKEN HAPPY HOUR

HOOKUP DOES NOT GIVE THIS GUY

ANY MORAL ADVANTAGE OVER ME,

SEAN. BIOLOGICAL OR NOT,

WILBUR'S MY SON.

Sean: I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE

A POINT THAT BIOLOGICAL

REALITIES ARE PRETTY DIFFICULT

TO DISPUTE. CASE IN POINT: ANNIE

STARTED PREMENSTRUAL SPOTTING.

Christian: ANNIE'S 8, SEAN.

SHE'S TOO YOUNG FOR PUBERTY.

Sean: NOT WITH ALL THE BOVINE

GROWTH HORMONES RACING THROUGH

OUR MEAT AND MILK PRODUCTS. WE

LOOKED IN UP ON-LINE THIS

MORNING.

Christian: JESUS.

Sean: I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE 15

YEARS TO PREPARE MYSELF FOR MY

LITTLE GIRL BECOMING A WOMAN.

SHE'S BARELY OUT OF PAJAMAS WITH

FEET. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

Liz: GOOD JOB, GENTLEMEN. OUR

PATIENT DOESN'T LOOK A DAY OVER

13.

[MONITOR BEEPING]

* AHH *

* MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL *

* MAKE ME

A PERFECT SOUL,

A PERFECT MIND,

A PERFECT FACE,

A PERFECT

LIFE *

Suzanne: THE GIRLS LOVE A GOOD

PRINCESS EVENT. NOW, I HAVE 9

REGULAR CROWNS, AND THEN ONE

SPECIAL ONE TO CROWN OUR LITTLE

PRINCESS MENSES--ANNIE, IN THIS

CASE.

Julia: SUZANNE, ARE YOU SURE THE

PRINCESS THEME IS THE BEST WAY

TO INTRODUCE PUBERTY AND

MENSTRUATION?

Suzanne: THIS IS MY FOURTH

PRINCESS MENSES TEA PARTY,

JULIA. TRUST ME. I KNOW WHEREOF

I SPEAK.

Julia: I JUST THOUGHT WE'D TAKE

A MORE EMPOWERING KIND OF

APPROACH.

Suzanne: OH, GET OFF THE HIGH

HORSE WITH ME, JULIA. THE LAST

TIME YOU TRIED THAT, YOU AND

YOUR PILATES TRANNY GOT BUCKED

BIG TIME. NOW, I AM HERE TO HELP

OUT BECAUSE ANNIE AND TORI ARE

FRIENDS, NOT BECAUSE I VALUE

YOUR OPINIONS. SWEETIE, I THINK

YOU NEED CONTACTS. I MEAN, YOU

MUST BE LEGALLY BLIND NOT TO

NOTICE HOW GOOD MY SKIN IS

LOOKING THESE DAYS.

Julia: I'M SORRY, SUZANNE. I

JUST ASSUMED YOU GOT SHOT UP

AGAIN WITH BOTOX.

Suzanne: I CANCELED MY STANDING

BOTOX APPOINTMENT ONCE I

DISCOVERED FLAXSEED OIL...

REVERSES THE AGING PROCESS.

TORI'S HORMONAL HORROR WAS A

SECRET MITZVAH FOR ME. WE

SWITCHED FROM HORMONE-LACED

MEATS AND DAIRIES TO ALL ORGANIC

FOODS, AND NOW, SUDDENLY, I LOOK

10 YEARS YOUNGER.

Julia: AND THIS, UH, ANTIAGING

DIET REALLY WORKS FOR THE WHOLE

FAMILY, I MEAN?

Suzanne: OH, HEALTHY FOOD IS THE

NEW PLASTIC SURGERY. WHO KNEW?

Christian: TELL ME WHAT YOU

DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF...

TODAY, MRS. GRUBMAN.

Mrs. Grubman: MY KNEES.

Sean: YOUR KNEES?

Grubman: THANKS TO

SCRUPULOUS DUE DILIGENCE, I HAVE

THE FACE AND BODY OF A WOMAN

HALF MY AGE. MY KNEES GIVE ME

AWAY. THEY'RE BONY, AND THEY SAG

LIKE A COUCH IN A CRACK DEN.

Sean: IF YOU'D LIKE TO TONE THE

VASTUS MEDIALIS, MRS. GRUBMAN,

I COULD RECOMMEND SOME

EXERCISES.

Grubman: OH, PLEASE. WHO HAS

TIME TO EXERCISE? YOU'LL DO A

TOUCH OF LIPO TO SMOOTH OUT THE

DIMPLING, THIN THE BONE, AND

THEN PLUMP IT ALL OUT WITH SOME

COLLAGEN. WELL, DON'T JUST SIT

THERE. PULL OUT THE APPOINTMENT

BOOK.

Christian: DO YOU LIE AWAKE AT

NIGHT DREAMING UP WAYS TO

TORTURE YOUR BODY AND US, MRS.

GRUBMAN?

Grubman: SPARE ME THE MORALISTIC

LECTURE DR. TROY. IF I WERE

PAYING, YOU'D HAVE ME ON THE

BOOKS FASTER THAN SHIT GOES

THROUGH A GOOSE.

Sean: MRS. GRUBMAN, YOU'VE HAD

10 PROCEDURES IN THE LAST 6

MONTHS.

Grubman: IT'S UPKEEP.

Christian: AT THIS POINT, IT'S

PALEONTOLOGY.

Sean: MRS. GRUBMAN, YOU HAVE A

PLASTIC SURGERY ADDICTION

PROBLEM.

Christian: CONSIDER THIS YOUR

INTERVENTION.

Grubman: OPEN THAT BOOK AND

SCHEDULE ME RIGHT NOW, DR. TROY,

OR I WILL TELL THE WORLD THAT

YOU LEFT AN INSTRUMENT IN MY

STOMACH DURING MY TUMMY TUCK

LAST YEAR.

Christian: MRS. GRUBMAN, THE

THREATS NEED TO STOP.

Grubman: DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE MY

WRATH, FELLAS.

Christian: OR WE WILL HAVE NO

CHOICE BUT TO LEAK THIS

APPOINTMENT BOOK AND ALL THE

MACABRE, SAD OPERATIONS THAT

YOU'VE LITERALLY FORCED US TO DO

AT KNIFEPOINT TO WOMEN'S WEAR

DAILY.

Grubman: I NEED THAT KNEE LIFT.

I DO NOT WANT TO GIVE UP WEARING

MINISKIRTS, NOT NOW, NOT THIS

SEASON! [SOBBING]

Sean: MRS. GRUBMAN, I APOLOGIZE

IF OUR TOUGH-LOVE APPROACH HERE

WAS TOO TOUGH, BUT HONESTLY,

WE'RE JUST LOOKING OUT FOR YOUR

BEST INTERESTS.

Grubman: THAT'S NOT WHY I'M

CRYING. MY DAUGHTER HAS CANCER.

30 YEARS OLD, AND SHE'S BEEN

DIAGNOSED WITH STAGE-3 BREAST

CANCER. IT'S IN THE LYMPH NODES.

Christian: MRS. GRUBMAN, I'M SO

SORRY.

Grubman: I ASKED THE ONCOLOGIST,

"HOW COULD THIS BE? GRANDMOTHERS

GET CANCER, NOT DAUGHTERS."

HE SAID HE DIDN'T KNOW WHY. SHE

LIVES UNDER POWER LINES. SHE

TAKES BIRTH-CONTROL PILLS. SHE'S

ALWAYS ON HER CELL PHONE. YOU

EVER NOTICED HOW EVERYTHING

THAT'S SUPPOSED TO IMPROVE OUR

LIVES IS KILLING US? AND

ME--HEH! I'VE HAD MY GOOD YEARS.

BUT MY DAUGHTER IS A SINGLE

MOTHER. WHO'S GONNA RAISE LITTLE

ISABELLA? NOT THE WORTHLESS TURD

WHO RAN OUT ON THEM. THAT LEAVES

ME. OH, GOD. YOU IMAGINE ME

RAISING A 4-YEAR-OLD? I'M TOO

GODDAMN OLD TO START OVER. I

MEAN--I MEAN, I'M 45.

Christian: MRS. GRUBMAN, UNDER

THE CIRCUMSTANCES, DON'T YOU

THINK THIS, PERHAPS, COULD BE A

LESS-THAN-DESIRABLE TIME TO

SCHEDULE COSMETIC SURGERY?

Grubman: ON THE CONTRARY, DR.

TROY. WE ARE FACING A

MASTECTOMY, CHEMO, HAIR LOSS.

AND I SAY, "WE,"BECAUSE SHE'S

NOT THAT STRONG. I SPOILED HER

ROTTEN. SO CALL ME SHALLOW, CALL

ME PATHETIC, BUT BEAUTY IS MY

STRENGTH AND MY ARMOR, AND I OWE

IT TO MY GIRL TO LOOK LIKE A

MILLION GODDAMN BUCKS. AND

THAT'S HOW WE'RE GONNA GET

THROUGH THIS.

Sean: HOW'S THURSDAY AT 7:00?

[TOY SQUEAKS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

James: WE NEED TO TALK.

Christian: MY LAWYER HAS ADVISED

ME NOT TO TALK TO YOU.

James: HOW ABOUT IF I DO THE

TALKING? GINA'S HAD 292 SEXUAL

PARTNERS IN THE LAST 3 YEARS.

SHE'S NOT FIT TO BE THIS BABY'S

MOTHER.

[WILBUR COOS]

Christian: YOU WENT THROUGH HER

DIARY. JAMES, THAT'S NOT VERY

NICE.

James: SHE LEFT THE DAMN THING

OUT. I CAN'T LEAVE A DEFENSELESS

CHILD WITH THIS LADY.

Christian: YOU'RE TAKING HIM

BACK TO ARIZONA?

James: LISTEN, CHRISTIAN, I'VE

TRIED TO IMAGINE THE

CONVERSATION WITH MY WIFE, WHERE

I TELL HER THAT AFTER 39 YEARS

OF MARRIAGE, I HAD A ONE-NIGHT

STAND AND NOW WE MUST RAISE

ANOTHER CHILD. I DON'T SEE THAT

CONVERSATION TAKING PLACE. YOU

LOVE THIS BABY. YOU SHOULD RAISE

HIM. I'D LIKE TO HELP YOU GET

CUSTODY.

Christian: MAY I?

James: YES.

Christian: OH...YES. I MISSED

YOU SO MUCH. I DID.

IF YOU WANT TO HELP ME GET

CUSTODY OF THIS BABY, JAMES...

GET ME THE DIARY.

James: I CAN DO THAT. THERE'S

SOMETHING ELSE YOU NEED TO KNOW.

SHE'S CALLING CHARACTER

WITNESSES TO DISCREDIT YOUR

REPUTATION.

Christian: WHAT ARE YOU GETTING

AT?

James: SHE'S TALKING TO SOMEONE

FROM YOUR PAST, A BLONDE LADY,

WITH A DISTURBING STORY ABOUT A

KNIFE. RING A BELL?

Christian: KIMBER. HER NAME IS

KIMBER.

Suzanne: ANNIE McNAMARA, WE

CROWN YOU "PRINCESS MENSES."

[JULIA CHUCKLES]

YOU ARE NOW PART OF A VERY

SPECIAL CLUB.

Annie: THANKS, MRS. EPSTEIN.

Suzanne: OK, ROYAL ONES, NOW

THAT WE'VE LEARNED ABOUT THE

CHANGES YOUR BODY WILL GO

THROUGH, I'M GONNA TELL YOU A

LITTLE STORY.

Annie: DADDY.

Sean: HEY! OH-HO-HO-HO. I

DECIDED THIS WAS SOMETHING I HAD

TO SEE. IS THAT ALL RIGHT?

Julia: HMM. WE'RE THRILLED,

AREN'T WE, GIRLS?

Suzanne: EXCUSE ME, JULIA.

THERE'S NEVER BEEN A MALE AT A

PRINCESS MENSES TEA BEFORE.

Sean: WELL, I'M HER PRINCE.

Annie: YEAH. DADDY CAN BE MY

PRINCE, MRS. EPSTEIN.

Suzanne: READY FOR THE STORY,

GIRLS?

ONCE UPON A TIME, IN THE KINGDOM

OF MENSES, A PRINCESS WAS

PLAYING WITH HER HANDMAIDENS.

SHE HAD JUST BEGUN MENSTRUATING,

AND SHE WAS SHOWING THEM HOW TO

USE A TAMPON AND A PAD, JUST

LIKE WE LEARNED TODAY. A PRINCE

JUST HAPPENED TO PASS BY, AND HE

THOUGHT TO HIMSELF, OHH, THIS

PRINCESS IS SO TOTALLY HOT!

[GIGGLING]

AND HE WENT UP TO HER AND SAID,

"HEY, BABY, I'M A PRINCE. LET'S

HANG."

[BEEP]

Christian: HEY, BABY, IT'S

CHRISTIAN. JUST CONFIRMING LUNCH

TODAY. I'M REALLY LOOKING

FORWARD TO SEEING YOU AGAIN.

Suzanne: BUT THE PRINCE WAS

REALLY A WOLF.

Girls: OOH...

Suzanne: THE PRINCESS DIDN'T

CARE. SHE PUT ON A CUTE LITTLE

OUTFIT, AND OFF SHE WENT TO MEET

THE PRINCE, AND THE PRINCE TOLD

HER SHE LOOKED TOTALLY DOPE AND

LED HER TO HIS CRIB.

[GIGGLING]

Sean: WHERE IS SHE TAKING THIS?

Suzanne: "TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES,

PRINCESS," SAID THE PRINCE.

PRESSED UP AGAINST HIM, THE

PRINCESS FELT A HARD BULGE--

Julia: AND...THE PRINCESS

REPLIED, "YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE

A WOLF, NOT A PRINCE..."

Sean: "AND I DON'T PLAY WITH

LIARS, SO THERE, WOLFIE."

Julia: AND THEN THEY ALL PLAYED

MONOPOLY AND LIVED HAPPILY EVER

AFTER. JUICE AND GLUTEN-FREE

COOKIES ON THE TABLE.

Sean: SUZANNE, THAT WAS TOTALLY

OVER THE TOP.

Suzanne: WE WERE DOING JUST FINE

UNTIL YOU WALKED IN. YOUR

PRESENCE MADE THE GIRLS VERY

UNCOMFORTABLE, SEAN, AND I KNEW

THAT IT WOULD.

Sean: SUZANNE, I THINK I SPEAK

FOR JULIA AND MYSELF WHEN I TELL

YOU I DON'T WANT MY 8-YEAR-OLD

KNOWING GRAPHIC SEXUAL

INTIMACIES.

Suzanne: I GET IT. YOU WANT YOUR

BABY TO STAY AS INNOCENT FOR AS

LONG AS SHE CAN.

Julia: YES, WE DO.

Suzanne: WELL, NEWS FLASH,

JULIA. THOSE LITTLE ANGELS ARE

DRIPPING WITH HORMONES, AND IF

YOU DON'T THINK THE OLDER BOYS

CAN SMELL IT, THEN YOU AND YOUR

DAUGHTER ARE IN FOR A VERY RUDE

AWAKENING.

Annie: WHY ARE YOU FIGHTING?

Christian: GOOD TO SEE YOU.

Kimber: ALL RIGHT, CUT THE CRAP,

CHRISTIAN. I KNOW WHY YOU WANTED

TO SEE ME. YOU INVITED ME TO

LUNCH SO YOU COULD SWEET-TALK ME

INTO KEEPING MY MOUTH SHUT AT

YOUR CUSTODY DEPOSITION. THAT'LL

NEVER HAPPEN. I'M STARVING.

LET'S ORDER.

Christian: WHEN WAS THE LAST

TIME YOU HAD A MEAL, SWEETHEART?

HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING CARE OF

YOURSELF? YOU LOOK A LITTLE--

Kimber: MY LIFE COULDN'T BE

BETTER, CHRISTIAN.

Christian: WHAT ARE YOU LIVING

ON SINCE YOU AND MERRIL SPLIT

THE SHEETS?

Kimber: THAT RELATIONSHIP WAS

TOTALLY HOLDING ME BACK. I'VE

BEEN TRANSITIONING INTO ACTING.

IT'S SO REWARDING TO DO MORE

THAN STAND THERE AND POSE. NOW I

GET TO STAND THERE AND SPEAK.

Christian: GOOD FOR YOU.

Kimber: OH, YOU'RE PATRONIZING

ME? YOU NEVER DID GIVE ME ONE

OUNCE OF CREDIT.

Christian: LOOK, I WANT TO KNOW

WHAT IT'S GONNA TAKE TO GET YOU

ON MY SIDE.

Kimber: A GODDAMN MIRACLE, FOR

STARTERS.

Christian: I CAN'T LOSE WILBUR,

KIMBER. I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH.

Kimber: YOU COULDN'T LOVE

ANYBODY. YOUR HEART'S MADE OF

GRANITE.

Christian: YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT

TO BELIEVE THAT, BUT I'M A

DIFFERENT MAN NOW, SINCE I HAD A

KID. I LOOK AT HIM, KIMBER, AND

I JUST...I'M LOST. HIS LOVE IS

SO PURE AND UNCONDITIONAL. IT'S

LIKE HE'S OPENED UP MY HEART.

Kimber: WHY COULDN'T YOU LOVE ME

LIKE THAT, CHRISTIAN? I WAS SO

GOOD TO YOU. I COULD STILL BE

GOOD FOR YOU. REMEMBER OUR SEX

TOGETHER? BABY, YOU SAID I WAS

THE BEST SEX YOU EVER HAD. WE

COULD LIVE TOGETHER AGAIN. WE

COULD TRY IT AGAIN, AND WHEN

YOU'RE WORKING, I COULD BE,

LIKE, YOUR MAID OR SOMETHING.

CAN'T YOU TRY AND LOVE ME AGAIN?

Christian: NO. I HAVE TO BE ABLE

TO LIVE WITH MYSELF NOW. I'M

WILBUR'S FATHER.

Kimber: EXCUSE ME.

SHIT!

Woman: * LOOKIN' FOR PILLS

AND DRAPERIES,

COSMOPOLITAN,

THE LADY'S LOOKIN'

FOR PILLS AND DRAPERIES,

PILLS AND DRAPERIES,

PILLS AND DRAPERIES,

FAVORS

DON'T SHOOT YOU AWAY LAST,

FAMOUS,

FROM THIS MOMENT,

YOU'RE FADED *

Woman: *MAKES QUITE A MORNING

COCKTAIL OF INSECURITY,

THE LONELINESS IS EXPECTED,

IF NOT PREDICTED *

Sade: * SMOOTH OPERATOR,

SMOOTH

OPERATOR,

SMOOTH OPERATOR... *

Christian: WHAT TOOK YOU SO

LONG? YOUR STRAW GET CLOGGED?

Kimber: THE WHOLE WORLD ISN'T ON

YOUR TIME CLOCK, CHRISTIAN.

THERE WAS A LINE IN THE LADIES'

ROOM.

Christian: SEVERAL, I'M SURE.

Kimber: YOU GAVE ME A MIGRAINE.

WAITER, YEAH, COULD YOU GET ME

A GLASS OF CHARDONNAY?

Christian: GREAT. CHARDONNAY

OUGHTA PUT YOU RIGHT BACK ON

TRACK.

Kimber: FYI: I MET SOME MOVIE

PRODUCERS WHO THINK I'M THE

BOMB, AND THEY CAN'T WAIT TO GET

INTO THE KIMBER HENRY BUSINESS.

Christian: JESUS, KIMBER.

Kimber: SO YOU CAN TAKE YOUR

HOLIER-THAN-THOU BULLSHIT AND

SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS, CHRISTIAN.

I'VE DECIDED TO TESTIFY AGAINST

YOU. YOU'RE GONNA GO DOWN ONCE

AND FOR ALL. OH, MY GOD. OH, MY

GOD. WHAT'S GOING ON? OH, MY

GOD. OH, MY GOD!

Julia: ADZUKI BEANS PURIFY THE

BLOOD AND FLUSH OUT TOXINS. THEY

ALSO HELP STRENGTHEN THE FEMALE

ORGANS, AND, ACCORDING TO

CHINESE FOLK WISDOM, THE ADZUKI

BEAN IS CONSIDERED A SOURCE OF

COURAGE THAT HELPS PEOPLE MEET

CHALLENGES BRAVELY.

Matt: YEAH, BUT WHERE DO I GET

THE COURAGE TO TAKE THE FIRST

BITE?

Sean: YOU'RE A BIG BOY, MATT.

JUST DO IT.

Annie: YOU FIRST, DAD.

Sean: IT'S QUITE TASTY, JULES.

[MATT SNICKERS]

Julia: OK, LOOK, ALL I'M ASKING

FOR IS A WEEK, ONE WEEK'S

COMMITMENT TO A NEW WAY OF

EATING THAT WILL BENEFIT ALL OF

US IN THE LONG RUN. ANNIE,

HONEY, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Annie: I THINK THIS SOUP TASTES

GROSS.

Julia: MAYBE I ADDED A LITTLE

TOO MUCH BREWER'S YEAST.

Matt: BREWER'S YEAST? THAT'S

WHAT PEOPLE GIVE THEIR DOGS.

LOOK, I'M MAKIN' A GRILLED

CHEESE. ANYONE ELSE?

Sean: YOUR MOTHER'S GONE THROUGH

A LOT OF TROUBLE TO PREPARE A

DELICIOUS, HEALTHY FEAST. YOU'RE

NOT MAKING A GRILLED CHEESE

SANDWICH.

Julia: YOU'RE NOT MAKING A

GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH BECAUSE

THERE'S NO CHEESE. DAIRY

PRODUCTS ARE LOADED WITH

HORMONES THESE DAYS, JUST LIKE

OUR MEAT AND OUR CHICKEN.

WELCOME TO THE 21st CENTURY.

Matt: "KAJIKI SEAWEED"?

"UMEBOSHI PASTE"? "FLAXSEED

OIL." LOOK, I'M SORRY, GUYS, BUT

I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO EAT DOG

FOOD JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE WORRIED

ABOUT LITTLE PRINCESS PUBES OVER

THERE.

Sean: MATT, SIT DOWN AND EAT

YOUR DINNER!

Matt: BY THE WAY, ANNIE, UNDER

THE HEADING OF "THINGS MOM MIGHT

NOT REMEMBER TO MENTION," DON'T

WEAR WHITE PANTS.

Julia: MATT.

Annie: WHY NOT?

Matt: WELL, THERE WAS THIS GIRL

IN THE SIXTH GRADE--BECKY

SLEDDICK. NOW, BECKY WAS WEARING

WHITE PANTS ON THE DAY SHE GOT

HER FIRST VISIT FROM AUNT FLO.

SHE HAD THIS BIG OL' BLOODSTAIN

ON HER BUTT: "BECKY BULL'S-EYE."

WE CALL HER THAT TO THIS VERY

DAY.

Annie: I DON'T WANT TO GET A

STAIN.

Julia: YOU'RE EXCUSED.

Sean: NO. STAY. I WANT TO TALK

TO YOU. ANNIE, GO START YOUR

HOMEWORK. WE'LL CHECK IN IN A

MINUTE.

Julia: WHAT IS GOING ON WITH

YOU?

Matt: I'M SORRY.

Sean: THAT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A LITTLE

ASSHOLE.

Matt: LOOK, I JUST DON'T WANNA

EAT WEIRD SHIT FOR DINNER, OK?

YOU BOTH ARE SO HYPOCRITICAL,

ACTING LIKE IT'S ANNIE'S

HORMONES YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT,

WHEN THE TRUTH IS YOU'RE JUST

BEING NARCISSISTS. YOU'RE BOTH

JUST FREAKED OUT ABOUT GETTING

OLDER YOURSELVES. GOOD NIGHT.

Julia, chuckling: WELL, THAT WAS

A SUCCESS. TOMORROW NIGHT, WE'LL

HAVE SEAWEED AND SEE WHAT FUN

THAT UNLEASHES. MAYBE HE NEEDS

TO SEE A THERAPIST.

Sean: HE NEEDS TO BE TOLD TO

SHAPE UP.

Annie: SEAN, THIS HAS BEEN GOING

ON SINCE THAT WHOLE HENRY THING.

I THINK HE NEEDS TO TALK TO

SOMEONE, MAYBE AVA. MAYBE SHE

COULD HELP HIM TO OPEN UP A

LITTLE.

Sean: IF SHE CAN TEACH HIM THE

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ACCEPTABLE

AND UNACCEPTABLE WAYS OF

BEHAVING TOWARD ONE'S FAMILY,

THEN I'M ALL FOR IT.

BY THE WAY, I'M WONDERING

IF MATT WASN'T THE TINIEST

BIT RIGHT. IS THE NEW REGIME

FOR LITTLE GIRLS OR BIG GIRLS?

Christian: IT'S A GOOD THING YOU

HAD THESE IN YOUR PURSE. AHEM.

TILT YOUR HEAD BACK.

CONGRATULATIONS, KIMBER. YOUR

LITTLE COKE JAG HAS HOLLOWED OUT

YOUR SEPTUM AND EATEN A GOOD

DEAL OF YOUR NASAL CARTILAGE.

Kimber: SPEAK ENGLISH.

Christian: YOU GOT A HOLE IN

YOUR NOSE THE SIZE OF A QUARTER,

SWEETHEART. IT IS NOT A PRETTY

SIGHT, NOR ARE YOU. YOU LOOK

LIKE WEEK-OLD DOG SHIT.

Kimber: YOU KNOW WHAT,

CHRISTIAN? PEOPLE WERE TALKIN'

SHIT TO ME BEFORE THE DRUGS. I

AM TOO OLD. MODELS ARE DINOSAURS

AT 25. WELL, I'M AN ACTRESS. THE

OLDER I GET, THE MORE

INTERESTING I GET. SHARON STONE

WAS 32 BEFORE SHE HIT IT BIG.

Christian: SHARON STONE ALSO HAD

A NOSE. THE SOUND OF WIND

WHISTLING THROUGH HER BOMBED-OUT

NASAL PASSAGES DIDN'T DISTRACT

THE FANS.

YOU'RE A DRUG ADDICT, KIMBER.

KEEP ON GOING LIKE THIS, AND

THERE'LL BE NO CAREER AND NO

PRINCE CHARMING TO CLIMB THE

TRELLIS AND SAVE YOU.

Kimber: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO

DO? I HAVE NO MONEY.

I HAVE NO INSURANCE.

I'M SCREWED.

Christian: THEN TODAY'S YOUR

LUCKY DAY, SWEETHEART. PRINCE

CHARMING IS RIGHT HERE AND

OFFERING THE DEAL OF A LIFETIME.

I'LL REBUILD YOUR SEPTUM GRATIS,

AND YOU TELL GINA YOU WON'T

TAKE THE STAND.

WE'LL BOTH GET OUR DREAMS.

Rolling Stones: * WHAT A DRAG IT

IS GETTING OLD *

[MOTHER'S LITTLE HELPER

CONTINUES]

Liz: HAIR DYE. I READ THE DARKER

COLORS CAUSE NON-HODGKIN'S

LYMPHOMA.

Sean: DIET SODAS. JULES SAYS

THEY CONCENTRATE FORMALDEHYDE IN

THE FAT CELLS AND PREVENT WEIGHT

LOSS.

Liz: SHE'S ROCKY. HER BLOOD

PRESSURE'S ALL OVER THE PLACE.

WHAT ABOUT SURFING? THE

OCEAN IS FULL OF TOXIC WASTE,

WHICH CAUSES CANCER.

Christian: THE GAME IS "THINGS

PEOPLE DO TO STAY YOUNG, BUT

MAKE THEM OLD."

Liz: PEOPLE SURF TO STAY YOUNG.

YOU KNOW, AFTER THIS OPERATION,

GRUBMAN IS NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO

WALK FOR A MONTH, WHICH MEANS

SHE'S NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO HELP

HER DAUGHTER WHEN SHE NEEDS HER

THE MOST. WE ARE PLAYING INTO

PURE NARCISSISM HERE.

Christian: WE'RE SURGEONS, LIZ,

NOT SHRINKS.

Sean: IS SHE STABILIZING?

Liz: I'M GIVING HER 10 CCs OF

EPHEDRINE.

[HEART MONITOR BEEPS]

Liz: HOLY SHIT! SHE'S IN V-FIB!

I'M GETTING THE CRASH CART.

Christian: 200 JOULES.

Sean: CHARGE AT 200.

Christian: CLEAR.

Sean: CHARGE AT 300.

Christian: CLEAR. COME ON,

MRS. GRUBMAN. CHARGE AT 360.

Sean: 360 CHARGED.

GIVE ME A DOSE OF EPI.

Christian: CLEAR!

200 MILLIGRAMS.

COME ON! YOU'RE NOT GONNA DIE ON

ME, YOU CRAZY BITCH.

Christian: WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO

IF SHE DIES, SEAN?

Sean: DON'T MAKE OUT THE DEATH

CERTIFICATE JUST YET, CHRISTIAN.

WE DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL

HAPPENED IN THERE.

Claire: I KNOW WHAT THE HELL

HAPPENED IN THERE.

YOU 2 MUTILATING MERCENARIES

OUGHT TO HAVE YOUR LICENSES

REVOKED.

Christian: YOU MUST BE CLAIRE.

I'M CHRISTIAN TROY.

Claire: WHAT DIDN'T YOU SAY NO?

SHE DIDN'T NEED ANY MORE WORK

DONE. HOW COULD YOU INDULGE HER?

TYPICAL. I GET CANCER, AND MY

OWN MOTHER HAS TO TOP ME. IF

THERE IS AN OUNCE OF NEGLIGENCE

ON YOUR PART, YOU WILL PAY.

Sean: HOW IS SHE?

Doctor: SHE SUFFERED A MASSIVE

INTRACEREBRAL HEMORRHAGE

EN ROUTE.

Claire: JUST TELL ME IF SHE'S

GONNA MAKE IT.

Doctor: SHE IS, BUT SHE SUFFERED

SOME PARALYSIS. HER SPEECH IS

PROBABLY GONNA BE SLURRED, SO BE

PREPARED. I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING

IN HER HISTORY THAT WOULD HAVE

CAUSED INCREASED BLOOD PRESSURE,

SO WE ORDERED SOME TESTS.

Sean: WE'RE VERY THOROUGH,

DOCTOR.

Doctor: I KNOW. IT'S NOT YOUR

DOCTORS' FAULT. THIS WOULD NOT

HAVE SHOWN UP ON THE PRE-OP

LAB WORK, BUT WE FOUND TRACES OF

PHENELZINE IN HER BLOOD. MAO

INHIBITORS, THEY DON'T MIX WELL

WITH ANESTHESIA, AS YOU KNOW.

Sean: AN ANTIDEPRESSANT? SHE

DIDN'T LIST THAT ON HER CHART OR

DURING HER PRE-OP INTERVIEW. WHY

WOULD SHE KEEP THAT A SECRET?

Claire: BECAUSE SHE JUST STARTED

TAKING THEM. SHE FELT A LOT OF

SHAME ABOUT THAT. IT ALWAYS

COMES DOWN TO VANITY WITH HER.

Christian: I IMAGINE THAT SHE

WAS TRYING TO BE STRONG SO SHE

COULD BE THERE FOR YOU.

Claire: NO, MY MOTHER, SHE

STARTED THE ANTIDEPRESSANT AT

LEAST A MONTH AGO, WAY BEFORE MY

CANCER EARNED ME A SPOT ON HER

"TO DO" LIST.

Christian: HAVE YOU GOT ANY IDEA

WHY SHE WAS DEPRESSED?

Claire: I WOULD THINK THAT YOU

COULD DIAGNOSE THAT IN YOUR

SLEEP, DOCTORS. GOD KNOWS YOU

MADE A FORTUNE OFF OF IT. MY

MOTHER WAS DEEPLY DEPRESSED

ABOUT AGING.

Liz: THE PERFECT 10 LOOKS LIKE

10 MILES OF BAD ROAD. WHAT

HAPPENED TO HER?

Christian: TIME HASN'T BEEN GOOD

TO KIMBER. NEITHER WAS I.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Julia: COME IN!

Matt: LOOK, I JUST WANT TO SAY I

DON'T A--

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

Sean: YOUR SISTER'S NOT

FEELING WELL.

Julia: THIS IS INSANE. THEY

STILL HAVE ME ON HOLD.

Matt: WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?

Sean: I'M NOT SURE WHAT WE'RE

DEALING WITH. HER FEVER'S GOING

UP. JULIA, HAND ME THAT BLANKET.

SIT UP, HONEY. WE'RE GONNA WRAP

HER UP AND TAKE HER TO THE E.R.

SHE'S GONNA NEED HYDRATING

ANYWAY.

Jeremy: BETWEEN HER BLEEDING

PARTY AND THE TRAVELOGUE OF

SEXCAPADES IN HER DIARY, WE HAVE

AN EXCELLENT CROSS-SECTION OF

INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL PARTNERS.

Christian: JEREMY, I WAS DEAD

SERIOUS WHEN I SAID WHATEVER IT

TAKES. MY INTENTION IS TO BRING

THIS BITCH TO HER KNEES, WHICH,

IRONICALLY, HAPPENS TO BE HER

FAVORITE POSITION.

Jeremy: IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU,

MR. SUTHERLAND.

James: RIGHT.

Christian: THANKS FOR COMING BY.

Jeremy: YOU GOT IT.

Christian: I GOT A GOOD FEELING

ABOUT THIS, JAMES. THIS GUY

SADLER'S TOUGH.

James: CHRISTIAN, IT MAKES ME

UNEASY TO HEAR YOU TALKING LIKE

THIS IN FRONT OF WILBUR. YOU

DON'T WANT HIM TO GROW UP

THINKING HIS MOTHER'S NOTHING

BUT A WHORE, DO YOU?

Christian: JAMES, I NEED YOU ON

BOARD HERE. LITIGATION'S

HARDBALL, AND I INTEND ON

WINNING.

James: I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHAT DO I KNOW?

HEY, GUY, COME HERE.

AH. AH.

BY THE WAY, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO

ASK YOU, WHAT IS YOUR RELIGIOUS

AFFILIATION?

Christian: WELL, JAMES, I WAS

RAISED CATHOLIC.

James: STILL GO TO CHURCH?

Christian: NO.

James: WELL, BEFORE I LEAVE,

I'D LIKE TO SEE MY SON BAPTIZED.

IS THERE A CHURCH YOU'D LIKE TO

DO IT IN?

[THERMOMETER BEEPS]

Doctor: HMM, 102. THIS IS NOT

GOOD. UM, I'M GONNA BEGIN

HYDRATION. WE'LL START HER ON

SOME COMPAZINE TO STOP THE

VOMITING.

Sean: I WANT A CAT SCAN.

Doctor: OH. I'LL GO ORDER

A CAT SCAN.

Sean: WHAT IS HE, 12?

Annie: AM I GONNA DIE?

Julia: NO, SWEETHEART. YOU'RE

NOT GONNA DIE. THIS IS JUST A

BAD FLU. CHEW ON THESE ICE

CHIPS, HONEY.

WHAT'S WRONG?

Annie: I CAN'T FEEL IT.

Julia: CAN YOU FEEL THIS?

Sean: CAN YOU FEEL THIS,

PRINCESS? HONEY, MOMMY'S GONNA

LOOK BETWEEN YOUR LEGS, OK?

EXTREMITY NUMBNESS IS A SYMPTOM

OF TOXIC SHOCK.

Julia: BEND YOUR KNEES, HONEY.

Annie: DON'T. I NEED IT.

Julia: WHY ARE YOU TRYING OUT

ONE OF MOMMY'S TAMPONS?

Annie: MATT SAID I WAS GONNA

LEAVE A STAIN.

I DON'T WANT TO. I DON'T WANT TO

GET OLD AND BLEED.

Woman on P.A.: PAGING DR. DAMON.

DR. DAMON, PLEASE.

Grubman: OOH.

[GRUBMAN GRUNTS]

Christian: HELLO, MRS. GRUBMAN.

I CAME BY TO SEE HOW YOU'RE

DOING.

Grubman, slurred: LIAR. DON'T

WORRY. I'M NOT GONNA SUE YOU.

Christian: IS THIS, UH,

A BAD TIME?

Therapist: NO, NO. SHE COULD

USE A BREAK. COME ON.

Grubman: I'M NOT A CHILD!

Christian: SAW YOU LOOKED

GOOD ON THOSE BARS.

Grubman: WHO ARE YOU KIDDING?

I CAN'T WALK. CAN'T FEED MYSELF.

I NEED YOU TO DO SOMETHING

FOR ME, DR. TROY. FIX MY FACE.

Christian: THIS TIME, I CAN'T.

YOU'VE HAD NEUROLOGICAL DAMAGE,

AND I CAN'T LIFT THAT, AND I

CAN'T REPAIR IT. I'M SORRY.

Grubman: WELL, THAT'S IT,

THEN. I'VE LOST THE RACE.

Christian: WHO WERE YOU

RUNNING AGAINST?

Grubman: TIME. HAND ME MY

PURSE, WOULD YA? JUST BECAUSE I

FEEL DEAD DOESN'T MEAN I

HAVE TO LOOK EMBALMED.

[COMPACT RATTLES]

Christian: HERE. LET ME HELP

YOU.

Grubman: YOU HAVE A BABY, RIGHT?

Christian: A BOY. HIS NAME IS

WILBUR.

Grubman: YOU LOOK LIKE A

KID WHEN YOU SAY HIS NAME. NOW

THE CHEEKS. WE'RE NOT THAT

DIFFERENT, YOU AND I.

DON'T MISS OUT ON HIS CHILDHOOD

BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO BUSY

LOOKIN' IN THE MIRROR.

Christian: THERE. THAT'S MY

BEAUTIFUL GIRL.

Grubman: I NEED ONE MORE

SURGERY.

Christian: MRS. GRUBMAN, I TOLD

YOU--

Grubman: NO, NOT FOR ME.

CLAIRE'S BREAST RECONSTRUCTION.

Christian: OF COURSE.

Julia: THERE WE ARE. THERE

WE ARE.

Annie: ARE YOU MAD AT ME?

Julia: NO, SWEETHEART.

I'M JUST SAD YOU WERE

SO SCARED OF GETTING OLDER.

Annie: ARE YOU SAD ABOUT GETTING

OLDER?

Julia: SOMETIMES. BUT, YOU KNOW,

THERE ARE SOME WONDERFUL THINGS

ABOUT GETTING OLDER, TOO.

Annie: REALLY? LIKE WHAT?

Julia: WELL, IF YOU'RE LUCKY,

YOU GET A LITTLE BIT OF WISDOM

SO YOU CAN HAVE NICE TALKS

WITH YOUR DAUGHTER LIKE WE'RE

HAVING NOW.

Annie: IS WISDOM WHY YOU CHANGED

OUR FOOD? IT WAS HORRIBLE, MOM.

MATT WASN'T THE ONLY ONE WHO

FELT THAT WAY.

Julia: WELL, THAT'S THE OTHER

THING ABOUT GETTING OLDER.

IT GETS A LITTLE EASIER TO ADMIT

YOUR MISTAKES. LET'S GET YOU

READY FOR YOUR BEDTIME STORY.

Sean: OK, ONCE UPON A TIME,

THERE WAS A PRINCESS, AND SHE

LIKED THIS PRINCE, AND THEY

DECIDED TO GET MARRIED.

Annie: DID SHE WEAR

A WEDDING DRESS?

Julia: OH, YEAH. IT WAS

BEAUTIFUL, AND, UM, THEY HAD

A LOVELY CEREMONY, AND

AFTERWARD, THEY WENT ON A

HONEYMOON.

Annie: THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

Sean: THEN THEY DECIDED TO MAKE

A BABY. SO HERE'S WHAT THEY DID,

WHICH IS WHAT GROWNUPS DO...

THE PRINCE PUT HIS PENIS IN THE

PRINCESSES' VAGINA. AND THEY ALL

LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

Director: CUT!

[BELL RINGS]

[CHURCH BELL TOLLS]

Priest: WILBUR, I BAPTIZE

THEE IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER

AND THE SON AND THE HOLY

SPIRIT. AMEN. GOD THE FATHER

NOW ANOINTS YOU WITH THE CHRISM

OF SALVATION.

YOU HAVE BECOME A NEW CREATION

AND HAVE CLOTHED YOURSELF

IN CHRIST.

GO IN PEACE, WILBUR, AND MAY THE

LORD BE WITH YOU.

James: WHEN I WAS A KID,

MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO LIGHT A

CANDLE EVERY FRIDAY. SHE SAID

EVERY FLICKERING WICK STOOD FOR

AN UNANSWERED PRAYER.

Christian: WHAT DID YOU PRAY

FOR?

James: STRENGTH. IT'S WHAT I'M

GONNA NEED WHEN I TELL MY WIFE

AND SONS THAT I HAVE ANOTHER

CHILD.

Christian: I'D LIKE TO HOLD

MY SON NOW, JAMES.

James: HE'S NOT YOUR SON,

CHRISTIAN. HE'S MINE. THIS BIRTH

WAS GOD'S GIFT TO ME. THIS

CHILD HAS RENEWED ME.

HE MAKES ME FEEL YOUNG AGAIN.

Christian: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING,

JAMES, THAT YOU'RE TAKING

WILBUR HOME WITH YOU?

James: YES.

Christian: I WON'T LET THAT

HAPPEN.

James: IT'S NOT YOUR CHOICE,

CHRISTIAN. YOU CAN BE HIS

GODFATHER.

Christian: THAT'S NOT ENOUGH.

James: I'M SORRY, CHRISTIAN.

I AM DEEPLY SORRY.

[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL

CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

--www.ncicap.org--]