Original subtitles

* AHH *

* MAKE ME BEAUTIFUL *

* MAKE ME

A PERFECT SOUL,

A PERFECT MIND,

A PERFECT FACE,

A PERFECT

LIFE *

Christian: TELL ME WHAT YOU

DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF.

Sean: YOU KNOW WHAT? ABSOLUTELY

NOTHING. BUSINESS IS BOOMING, I

LOVE MY WIFE AND SHE LOVES ME.

KIDS ARE HEALTHY. IT'S EXACTLY

HOW I ALWAYS PICTURED TODAY

FEELING.

Christian: IS THAT WHY YOU WERE

CHECKING FOR JOWL DROOP AND

IN MR. TOASTY?

FACE IT, PARTNER. THERE'S

NOTHING THAT'S GOING TO STOP

YOUR BODY FROM SCREAMING, "I'M

40" FROM THE HIGHEST ROOFTOP.

WAIT...ACTUALLY, THERE IS

SOMETHING.

* HAPPY BIRTHDAY *

OPEN IT UP.

BOTOX.

Sean: I DON'T NEED THIS.

Christian: YEAH, YOU DO. I'VE

BEEN SHOOTING MY FOREHEAD FULL

OF IT FOR MONTHS.

FACE IT, SEAN. WE ARE NOT

COLLEGE KIDS ANYMORE. YOUR

HAIRLINE'S UP, AND YOUR ASS

IS DOWN.

Sean: I'LL BE SURE TO PUT THAT

ON YOUR 40th BIRTHDAY CARD IN A

COUPLE OF WEEKS.

Christian: WE'RE PLASTIC

SURGEONS, SEAN, THE LITERAL

FACES OF THIS BUSINESS. LOOKING

OUR AGE IS AS BAD AS HAVING A

STAINED CARPET IN THE WAITING

ROOM. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A FAT

PERSONAL TRAINER?

Sean: BUT WE DON'T LOOK OUR AGE,

CHRISTIAN. WITH ADVANCES IN

NUTRITION AND EXERCISE, 40 IS

THE NEW 30.

Christian: YOU SELL YOUTH FOR A

LIVING, DR. McNAMARA.

SO STOP BEING SUCH A HYPOCRITE

AND TILT YOUR HEAD BACK.

FROWN.

Sean: COME ON.

Christian: BEING AS SMOOTH AS A

BABY'S BUTT IS GOING TO DELAY

YOUR INEVITABLE MID-LIFE CRISIS.

Sean: THAT WAS LAST YEAR,

REMEMBER? THANKS, CHRISTIAN,

REALLY. BUT I PLAN ON SPENDING

MY FORTIES AGING GRACEFULLY AND

EXPLORING WHAT'S INSIDE.

LET'S GO.

JULIA'S GONNA KILL YOU IF YOU

BRING ME LATE TO MY OWN SURPRISE

BIRTHDAY PARTY.

Christian: YOU KNOW ABOUT THAT?

Sean: WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED ALMOST

20 YEARS, NOTHING IS A SURPRISE

ANYMORE.

Christian: CAN YOU AT LEAST TRY

TO LOOK SURPRISED...FOR HER?

Sean: YET ANOTHER REASON NOT TO

DO THE BOTOX.

All: SURPRISE!

[ALL CHEERING]

Liz: WHOO!

* SOMEONE TO HOLD YOU TIGHT,

THAT WOULD BE VERY NICE,

SOMEONE TO LOVE YOU RIGHT,

THAT WOULD BE VERY NICE,

SOMEONE TO UNDERSTAND,

INSTEAD OF DREAMING... *

Sean: GREAT PARTY.

Julia: HMM.

Sean: HOW'D YOU PULL THIS THING

OFF WITHOUT ME FINDING OUT?

Julia: HA HA. COME ON, YOU KNEW.

Sean: I WAS TOTALLY IN THE DARK.

[SEAN AND JULIA LAUGH]

GOT ANY OTHER BIRTHDAY SURPRISES

FOR ME?

Julia: MY MOTHER IS COMING.

[LIZ BLOWS PARTY HORN]

Liz: SURPRISE!

Julia: I TRIED TO STOP HER, BUT

SHE INSISTED. APPARENTLY, I

DISTANCED HER FROM FAMILY

BECAUSE I SEE HER AS A THREAT.

Liz: HELL, I'M THREATENED BY

HER, AND I'VE ONLY SEEN HER

HOCKING HER BOOKS ON CHARLIE

ROSE.

Christian: YOU'RE JUST GONNA

HAVE TO COME TO TERMS WITH THE

FACT THAT YOUR MOTHER IS A FORCE

OF NATURE, JULIA. REMEMBER AT

YOUR WEDDING? SHE LOOKED HOT FOR

A BROAD IN HER FORTIES.

AND, AS THEY SAY, THE APPLE

DOESN'T FALL FAR FROM THE TREE.

Liz: OH, NICE SAVE.

Julia: I HAVE NO IDEA WHY SHE'S

COMING OR HOW LONG SHE'S STAYING

BECAUSE SHE'S A RAGING

NARCISSIST, AND SO JUST ASSUMES

WE'LL ALL ADJUST TO HER

SCHEDULE.

Sean: HONEY, HONEY, IT'S OK.

YOU'RE THE ONE SHE DRIVES CRAZY,

NOT ME. SO I'LL RUN

INTERFERENCE. COURSE, IT'S NOT

THE SURPRISE I WAS HOPING FOR.

Gina: WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY.

Christian: WHAT NOW?

Gina: I NEED YOU TO NURSE.

Christian: I'M SORRY?

Gina: MY TITS ARE RIPE, AND THIS

BLOUSE IS SILK. STAINS ARE

FOREVER. I NEED YOU TO

SUCK IT UP.

Christian: THAT'S DISGUSTING!

Gina: OH, QUIT BEING SUCH A

DRAMA QUEEN, CHRISTIAN. IT

TASTES JUST LIKE SUGAR WATER.

SEE? MMM.

Christian: YOU'RE SICK.

Gina: NO, CHRISTIAN, I AM A

FRAZZLED WORKING MOTHER WHO

FORGOT HER BREAST PUMP.

Christian: LOOK, I'VE BEEN VERY

CLEAR WITH YOU. THERE WILL BE NO

SUCKAGE OF ANY KIND ANYMORE.

OUR RELATIONSHIP FROM NOW ON IS

STRICTLY PARENTAL. NEITHER YOU

NOR FATHERHOOD IS HOLDING ME

HOSTAGE. IN OTHER WORDS, MILK

THEM YOURSELF, HEIDI.

Gina: I AM NOT A COW, CHRISTIAN.

THEY'RE TOO TENDER TO MANHANDLE.

Christian: JESUS, YOUR NIPPLES

ARE THE SIZE OF PIE PLATES.

Gina: WELL, IF MY MILK DUCTS GET

SWOLLEN, I'LL PASS ANY INFECTION

OFF TO WILBUR.

Christian: I'M NOT SWALLOWING.

Gina: WHY NOT? I DO.

Julia: WANT SOME MILK WITH

YOUR CAKE?

Christian: NO THANKS.

* LOOKIN' BACK ON WHEN I

WAS A LITTLE NAPPY-HEADED BOY *

* WHEN MY ONLY WORRY

WAS FOR CHRISTMAS

WHAT WOULD BE MY TOY *

* EVEN THOUGH WE SOMETIMES

WOULD NOT GET A THING,

WE WERE HAPPY WITH THE JOY

THE DAY WOULD BRING

I WISH THOSE DAYS COULD

COME BACK ONCE MORE,

WHY DID THOSE DAYS

EVER HAVE TO GO?

I WISH THOSE DAYS COULD

COME BACK ONCE MORE,

WHY DID THOSE DAYS

EVER HAVE TO GO?

'CAUSE I LOVE THEM SO,

DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO

DO DO DO DO DO,

DO DO DO DO

DO DO DO DO DO DO,

BROTHER SAID HE'S TELLIN'

'BOUT YOU PLAYIN' DOCTOR

WITH THAT GIRL *

* JUST DON'T TELL

AND I'LL GIVE YOU

ANYTHING YOU WANT

IN THIS WHOLE WIDE WORLD *

* MAMA GIVES YOU MONEY

FOR SUNDAY SCHOOL,

YOU TRADE YOURS FOR CANDY

AFTER CHURCH IS THROUGH,

SMOKIN' CIGARETTES

AND WRITIN' SOMETHING NASTY

ON THE WALL *

[THUNDER-LIKE SOUND]

* YOU NASTY BOY,

TEACHER SENDS YOU TO

THE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE

DOWN THE HALL *

Christian: NERVOUS, BUDDY?

Matt: NO, THAT'S MORE LIKE OLD

AGE.

Christian: HA HA HA.

* YOU GROW UP AND LEARN THAT

KIND OF THING AIN'T RIGHT,

BUT WHILE YOU WERE DOING IT,

IT SURE FELT OUTTA SIGHT,

I WISH THOSE DAYS COULD

COME BACK ONCE MORE,

WHY DID THOSE DAYS

EVER HAVE TO GO?

I WISH THOSE DAYS

COULD COME BACK ONCE MORE *

Sean: TELL ME WHAT YOU

DIDN'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF.

Woman: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

Christian: HOW MANY SURGERIES

HAVE YOU HAD, MS. ZUCKER?

Man: 2. THERE WAS AN INFECTION.

THAT'S HOW SHE DEVELOPED THE

SCARRING.

Christian: I'M SORRY, MR...

Chad: CHAD. CHAD MEYERS.

Christian: AND YOU AND MS.--

MRS. ZUCKER ARE MARRIED?

Chad: OH, NO. NO, I'M GAY.

Libby Zucker: AND I'M A BIG FAG

HAG. HA HA HA HA! NO, WE'RE BEST

FRIENDS SINCE WE WERE 17.

Sean: WHEN DID THE ACCIDENT

HAPPEN?

Libby: 9 MONTHS AGO...ON MY

34th BIRTHDAY. THE PARTY WAS

KICK-ASS. I WAS, UM...

BLOWN AWAY. LITERALLY.

Christian: MS. ZUCKER...TO MY

KNOWLEDGE, A LOADED .45 IS NOT A

TRADITIONAL PARTY FAVOR.

Chad: SHE KEPT ONE IN HER PURSE

FOR SECURITY.

Sean: WHY DID YOU PULL THE GUN

OUT?

Sean: LIKE SHE SAID, WE WERE

CELEBRATING HER BIRTHDAY IN FORT

LAUDERDALE, AND WE RENTED A

HUMMER LIMO, WENT OUT CLUBBING,

AND GOT...REALLY WASTED.

Libby: YOU KNOW, WE KEPT

DRINKING AND TRIED TO THINK OF

JUST 2 PEOPLE, YOU KNOW, WHO'D

MADE IT PAST 30. YOU KNOW, WHO'D

GOTTEN THEIR DREAM LATER IN

LIFE. AND ALL WE COULD COME UP

WITH WAS NELSON MANDELA AND

DANNY AIELLO. HA HA HA! I WAS

LIKE, YOU KNOW, "IT'S ALL

DOWNHILL FROM HERE. WE MIGHT AS

WELL JUST KILL OURSELVES." AND I

PULLED OUT MY GUN AS A JOKE.

Chad: I LAUGHED AND TOLD HER TO

PUT IT AWAY. I WENT OVER TO THE

MINI BAR, AND THAT'S WHEN IT

ACCIDENTALLY WENT OFF.

Libby: TA-DA!

Sean: MS. ZUCKER, I'M GONNA BE

BLUNT WITH YOU. THERE'S NO QUICK

FIX HERE. YOU'RE LOOKING AT 5

RECONSTRUCTIVE SURGERIES,

MAYBE MORE.

Libby: AND WHAT'S MY

ALTERNATIVE, YOU KNOW? BURKAS

ARE SO 2003.

Sean: THERE'S NO GUARANTEE--

Libby: I KNOW THAT. OK? I KNOW.

[CRYING] I JUST...

I JUST WANT LITTLE KIDS TO STOP

LOOKING AT ME AND CRYING.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Linda: SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

JULIA NEEDS YOU TO CALL HER AT

HOME. SOME KIND OF EMERGENCY

WITH HER MOTHER.

Mother: I WANT A FACE-LIFT.

Julia: WHAT HAPPENED TO "WOMEN

SHOULD WEAR THEIR WRINKLES LIKE

A BADGE OF HONOR"?

Mother: OH, THAT WORKED...WHEN I

WAS NAIVE...AND FIRM ENOUGH TO

SHOVE MY BRALESS TITS IN THE

FACES OF ALL THOSE PATRIARCHAL

FREUDIANS. BEAUTY IS POWER,

JULIA. BOTH TEND TO DIMINISH

AFTER 40.

THANK GOD BY THAT TIME I'D

ALREADY BEEN CHAIRING THE PSYCH

DEPARTMENT FOR 5 YEARS.

Julia: HMM. I REMEMBER YOU WERE

NEVER HOME.

Mother: IT'S JUST A GOOD THING I

DIDN'T SACRIFICE MY CAREER SO MY

DAUGHTER COULD HAVE ONE.

Sean: COME ON. YOU CAN'T BE

SERIOUS, ERICA. YOU LOOK GREAT.

Julia: THIS IS ABOUT DADDY,

ISN'T IT?

Erica: THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO

WITH YOUR DADDY. I HAVE A NEW

BOOK COMING OUT. I CAN'T USE THE

SAME PICTURE FROM MY LAST 2

JACKET COVERS.

Julia: BE HONEST, MOTHER. HE HAD

A MID-LIFE CRISIS, RAN OFF WITH

A YOUNGER WOMAN, AND NOW YOU

WANT TO MUTILATE YOURSELF.

Erica: AGE IS WHAT MUTILATES,

JULIA. YOU'LL FIND THAT OUT SOON

ENOUGH.

Chad: IF YOU FEEL THAT STRONGLY

ERICA, I'LL BE HAPPY TO REFER

YOU TO MARK ROSEN--

Erica: NO, SEAN, YOU. I WANT YOU

TO DO IT.

Mark: YOU WANT ME TO GIVE YOU A

FACE-LIFT?

Julia: YOU DON'T GET YOUR

SON-IN-LAW TO PERFORM SURGERY ON

YOU, MOTHER.

Erica: I WANT THE BEST. I'M NOT

ABOVE USING MY CONNECTIONS TO

GET HIM.

Sean: I DON'T GET IT, ERICA.

IT'S NOT LIKE YOUR LITERARY

WORTH HAS EVER BEEN PREDICATED

ON LOOKS. YOU'RE ONE OF THE MOST

RESPECTED CHILD PSYCHOLOGISTS IN

THE COUNTRY.

Erica: RESPECTED DOESN'T SELL

BOOKS, NOT ANYMORE. SEX DOES.

YOU SEE THIS PHOTO? I WAS 41

HERE. THE PHOTOGRAPHER WHO TOOK

IT HAD A RAGING ERECTION THE

ENTIRE SESSION.

Julia: AH, JESUS.

Erica: THE POINT IS, I WAS

DESIRED. CAN YOU DO THAT,

SEAN...MAKE ME LOOK LIKE I'M IN

MY PRIME?

MAKE ME DESIRABLE AGAIN?

Sean: I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT

THAT GAME LIBBY ZUCKER WAS

PLAYING BEFORE SHE SHOT HERSELF.

CAN YOU THINK OF ANYONE WHOSE

LIFE IMPROVED DRAMATICALLY

AFTER 40?

Christian: UM...US.

Sean: BE SERIOUS, CHRISTIAN.

WE'RE AT A PLATEAU--A HIGH

PLATEAU, I'LL GIVE YOU THAT, BUT

STILL...

Christian: I AM SERIOUS, SEAN.

THE CLIMB HAS JUST BEGUN. WITH

BOB LET OUT OF THE PICTURE, WE

ARE PRIMED TO BECOME THE

PREMIERE PLASTIC SURGERY

DESTINATION IN THE SOUTHERN U.S.

THE WORLD IS OUR OYSTER, AND

WE'RE GONNA SUCK THAT BITCH DOWN

WITH A CHAMPAGNE CHASER.

Sean: AND YOU'RE GONNA DO ALL

THAT WITH A BABY IN TOW?

Christian: UH-HUH.

Sean: YOUR PRIORITIES ARE ABOUT

TO CHANGE, CHRISTIAN.

Christian: OH, NO, THEY'RE NOT.

Sean: WELCOME TO THE WORLD OF

PEDIATRICIAN APPOINTMENTS,

SCHOOL PLAYS, AND IF YOU EVER

DECIDE TO GET MARRIED AND

INHERIT SOME IN-LAWS, YOU'LL

HAVE TO START PARENTING THEM,

TOO.

YOU CAN LOOK LIKE A 30-YEAR-OLD

AS LONG AS YOU WANT. YOU JUST

CAN'T LIVE LIKE ONE.

Christian: BULLSHIT, SEAN. I

PLAN ON BANGING TWICE AS MANY

MAMAZONS THIS DECADE IN FAR

MORE DEPRAVED AND DEBAUCHED

WAYS.

Sean: UH-HUH. YOU THINK GINA'S

GONNA BE OK WITH THAT?

Christian: HEY, I DIDN'T HAND

GINA MY BALLS WHEN I AGREED TO

RAISE WILBUR.

I'LL HIRE A NANNY TO PICK UP THE

SLACK.

Sean: DO YOU EVER THINK SHE

WISHES SHE'D DIED?

Linda: ACTUALLY, I THINK SHE

WISHES THAT SHE LOOKED NORMAL

ENOUGH THAT NO ONE EVER ASKED

HER THAT QUESTION.

* I'M ALL OUT OF HOPE,

ONE MORE BAD DREAM

COULD BRING A FALL,

nLES YEUX SANS VISAGE,

EYES WITHOUT A FACE,

nLES YEUX SANS VISAGE,

EYES WITHOUT A FACE,

nLES YEUX SANS VISAGE,

EYES WITHOUT A FACE,

GOT NO HUMAN GRACE,

YOUR EYES WITHOUT A FACE *

* I SPEND SO MUCH TIME

BELIEVING ALL THE LIES

TO KEEP THE DREAM ALIVE,

NOW IT MAKES ME SAD,

IT MAKES ME MAD AT TRUTH

FOR LOVING WHAT WAS YOU,

nLES YEUX SANS VISAGE *

Sean: 15 BLADE.

* EYES WITHOUT A FACE,

nLES YEUX SANS VISAGE,

EYES WITHOUT A FACE *

[EXPLOSION-LIKE SOUND]

* GOT NO HUMAN GRACE,

YOUR EYES WITHOUT A FACE *

Christian: IS THERE SOMETHING

WRONG?

Sean: THE TRAJECTORY OF

DEVASTATION IS ODD. SUCTION.

Christian: SHE WAS WAVING A GUN

AROUND DRUNK, SEAN.

SHE'S LUCKY THAT HER BRAINS

DIDN'T END UP ON THE

MOTEL'S REVERSIBLE PAINTING,

LIKE HER JAW.

* LES YEUX SANS VISAGE,

EYES WITHOUT A FACE,

GOT NO HUMAN GRACE,

YOUR EYES WITHOUT A FACE *

[DOOR CLOSES]

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

Sean: THE WHAT?

Marty: THE YIPS.

Christian: THE YIPS?

Marty: NOTHING ON THE SCAN. NO

NEUROLOGICAL DISORDERS, NO

PARKINSON'S, NO HUNTINGTON'S.

Sean: SO OTHER THAN BEING THE

SOUND AN UNRULY PUPPY MAKES,

WHAT EXACTLY IS A YIP?

Marty: SEAN, PICTURE A BEAUTIFUL

AFTERNOON ON THE GOLF COURSE.

YOUR IRON SHOT LANDS ON THE

SEVENTH HOLE, A FOOT

FROM THE CUP, AND

YOU ARE ONE SWEET TAP FROM

CARTING A BIRDIE. AND THEN, JUST

AS YOUR PUTTER MAKES CONTACT

WITH THE BALL, A LITTLE TICK

INTERRUPTS YOUR PERFECT

STROKE...AND YOUR BALL ROLLS

RIGHT PAST THE CUP.

FROM THAT MOMENT ON, YOU CANNOT

GET THAT BALL IN THE CUP FOR

LOVE OR MONEY. THAT'S THE YIPS.

Sean: THIS ISN'T A GAME FOR ME.

THIS IS SERIOUS.

Marty: I'M BEING VERY SERIOUS.

MY BROTHER-IN-LAW HAD A BIG

FUTURE IN THE GOLF CIRCUIT. HIS

YIPS COST HIM HIS CAREER.

NOW, LOOK, I'VE DIAGNOSED ABOUT

A DOZEN PEOPLE WITH THE YIPS IN

THE LAST YEAR, AND EVERY ONE OF

THEM--DENTISTS, CONCERT

PIANISTS, EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS

BEEN AT THE TOP OF HIS GAME.

THAT, UNFORTUNATELY, IS THE

SIGNIFICANT ASPECT OF THE

PROFILE.

Sean: SO WHAT ARE YOU SAYING,

THAT THIS IS SOME KIND OF SELF-

SABOTAGE?

Marty: I DON'T KNOW, SEAN. IT'S

NOT A MEDICAL CONDITION. IT'S

PURELY PSYCHOLOGICAL. ARE YOU

EXPERIENCING ANXIETY OVER

EXPECTATIONS?

Sean: NO.

Marty: WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

I'M NOT A SHRINK. BUT WHAT

WOULD SEEM OBVIOUS, EVEN TO ME,

IS THAT WHEN SOMETHING KEEPS

SHOWING UP, IT'S BEGGING FOR

ATTENTION. NOW, I CAN'T TELL YOU

WHAT THAT THING IS BECAUSE IT'S

COMING FROM INSIDE YOU.

Sean: I CAME HERE TO DISPEL MY

WORRIES, MARTY, OR AT THE VERY

LEAST HAVE SOME LIGHT SHED

ON THEM.

Marty: BELIEVE ME, SEAN, I WISH

I HAD FOUND SOMETHING I COULD

OPERATE ON OR RESOLVE WITH

MEDICATION. IT JUST ISN'T THERE.

Sean: WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR

BROTHER-IN-LAW?

Marty: HE WENT THE JACK DANIELS

ROUTE.

I DO FEEL I SHOULD ADVISE YOU,

SEAN, AS A PHYSICIAN AND A

FRIEND, IT WOULD BE HIGHLY

UNETHICAL TO OPERATE UNTIL

YOU'VE GOT A HANDLE ON THIS.

A SLIP OF THE HAND--YOU WOULD

REALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO WORRY

ABOUT.

Christian: MS. APPLETON,

ACCORDING TO YOUR RESUME, YOU'VE

BEEN EMPLOYED AS A NANNY FOR THE

LAST 3 YEARS.

Kelly Appleton: THAT'S RIGHT. I

WORKED FOR A FAMILY THAT LIVED

ON PALM ISLAND UNTIL THEY MOVED

TO NEW YORK.

Christian: AND BEFORE THAT YOU

WERE A CHEERLEADER AT U.S.F.?

Kelly: OHH...YEAH.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Christian: WHAT ABOUT INFANT

C.P.R.? IS YOUR CERTIFICATION UP

TO DATE?

Kelly: OHH! OF COURSE.

Christian: IMPRESSIVE.

Kelly: OOH.

Christian: I NEVER THOUGHT I'D

FIND SOMEONE WHO FULFILLED MY

NANNY REQUIREMENTS AS WELL AS

YOU DO, MS. APPLETON.

Kelly: OOH, YOU CAN CALL ME

KELLY.

Christian: I THINK WE SHOULD

KEEP IT FORMAL FOR NOW.

Kelly: OOH, WHATEVER YOU LIKE,

DADDY. OHH.

Christian: DON'T CALL ME THAT.

Kelly: HOW ABOUT, "WHATEVER YOU

LIKE, DR. TROY"?

Christian: SOUNDS GOOD.

Kelly: OHH! OHH!

Rosa: YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW IS ON

LINE ONE. SHE'S ADAMANT ABOUT

SCHEDULING HER LIFT.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

Sean: NOTHING. JUST DOING A

LITTLE INVENTORY.

[PILLS RATTLING OUT OF BOTTLE]

[CRUNCHING]

[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]

ABSOLUT, STRAIGHT UP.

Christian: CAN YOU BELIEVE THE

SHIT THAT PASSES FOR MUSIC THESE

DAYS?

Woman: MAYBE YOU SHOULD HANG OUT

HERE ON THURSDAYS. IT'S OLDIES

NIGHT.

Christian: THANK GOD.

THANK YOU. AHEM.

Woman: UM...WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Christian: EXHIBITING A FEAT OF

MODERN TECHNOLOGICAL DARING BY

PROGRAMMING MY PHONE NUMBER INTO

YOUR CELL. THUS PROVING THAT I'M

A MODERN MAN OF MY TIMES.

[PHONE CHIMES]

CHRISTIAN TROY.

PLASTIC SURGEON.

Woman: NICOLE WATTS. ORTHOPEDICS

RESIDENT.

Christian: CAN I BUY YOU A

DRINK?

Nicole: SMILE.

Nicole: SORRY, BUT NO THANKS.

Christian: IS THERE SPINACH...

SWEETHEART?

Nicole: NO. YOUR VENEERS ARE

GREAT. AND THERE'S NOT A WRINKLE

ON THAT NOBLE BROW. A LACK OF

WORRY...OR BOTOX? HMM. I WONDER.

Christian: SO YOU'RE A BITTER

LIPSTICK LESBIAN. I'M SORRY THAT

I TOOK UP YOUR TIME.

Nicole: ACTUALLY, CHRISTIAN, I

LOVE DICK. I JUST DON'T DIG

40-YEAR-OLD DICK.

Christian: WELL, THAT'S PERFECT,

BECAUSE MINE'S 35. WHY DON'T WE

GO SOMEWHERE DARK AND PRIVATE,

AND YOU CAN COUNT THE RINGS

AROUND MY TRUNK.

[NICOLE CHUCKLES]

Nicole: LOOK...YOU SEEM COOL.

BUT I HAVE A REAL DADDY...

AND I DON'T NEED ANOTHER ONE.

Man: WANNA DANCE?

Nicole: SURE.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Christian: YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO

FIRE MY NANNY.

Gina: I DON'T WANT MY CHILD

AROUND CHEAP, COMMON WHORES.

Christian: HE'S AROUND YOU ALL

THE TIME. OH, CORRECTION. YOU'RE

AN EXPENSIVE WHORE.

Gina: OH, THAT'S GONNA COST YOU

A PAIR OF GUCCI BABY BOOTIES FOR

YOUR SON, ASSHOLE. OH, NO,

CORRECTION. THE ADORABLE BABY

I LET YOU PRETEND IS YOUR SON.

Christian: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED

TO MEAN?

Gina: WHAT THAT MEANS,

CHRISTIAN, IS THAT I MAKE THE

RULES BECAUSE I AM THE LEGAL

PARENT. RULE NUMBER ONE: DON'T

SCREW THE NANNY.

Christian: I DIDN'T.

Gina: THEN WHAT'S THIS? HUH?

Christian: IT JUST KILLS YOU

THAT I SCREW OTHER WOMEN,

DOESN'T IT, GINA? SHE WAS

FANTASTIC, BY THE WAY. A REAL

SPINNER.

[WILBUR CRIES]

Gina: SAY GOOD-BYE TO YOUR

DADDY, WILBUR. YOU WON'T BE

SEEING HIM FOR A WHILE.

Christian: I'M SEEING HIM ON

FRIDAY WHEN YOU GO TO YOUR

SEXAHOLICS MEETING. IT'S OUR

STANDING FATHER/SON DATE.

Gina: IT'S CANCELLED, SOCIOPATH,

UNTIL YOU CAN LEARN TO

ACKNOWLEDGE AND--

Christian: YOU STOP TELLING ME

WHAT TO DO!

Gina: LISTEN TO ME, SLICK DICK!

I LEFT WILBUR WITH YOU, NOT WITH

SOME STRANGER. LOOK, YOU CAN'T

HAVE IT ALL. YOU CANNOT BE A KID

AND HAVE A KID!

[WILBUR CRYING]

Gina: NOW LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE,

ASSHOLE.

Christian: FRIDAY AT 7:00.

AND I'M REHIRING MY NANNY.

[DOOR SLAMS]

Erica: WHAT DO YOU MEAN

CHRISTIAN'S GOING TO DO IT?

I DON'T WANT HIM, I WANT YOU.

Sean: SORRY, ERICA. IN THE EVENT

THAT ANYTHING WENT WRONG, I

WOULDN'T HAVE THE EMOTIONAL

OBJECTIVITY TO TRUST MY ABILITY

TO MAKE DECISIONS.

Erica: I HAD NO IDEA YOU FELT

THAT STRONGLY ABOUT ME. PERHAPS

YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE?

Sean: I'M NOT DOING YOUR

FACE-LIFT BECAUSE I HAVE A

RESPONSIBILITY TO YOU. TO JULIA.

YOU'RE SAFETY IS NOT SOMETHING

I'M WILLING TO RISK.

Erica: WHY? DO YOU HAVE A

SUBCONSCIOUS DESIRE TO HARM ME?

Sean: I ASSURE YOU, ERICA, ANY

DESIRE I HAVE TO HARM YOU IS

TOTALLY CONSCIOUS. LOOK,

CHRISTIAN IS ONE OF THE BEST.

TRUST ME, HE'S GOT GREAT HANDS.

Christian: SO, ERICA, TELL ME

WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT

YOURSELF?

Erica: MY NECK...

MY EYES...

MY STUPIDITY.

WHY DID I EVER LET YOU GO?

Christian: I BET YOU SAY THAT TO

ALL THE BOYS YOU SLEPT WITH AT

YOUR DAUGHTER'S WEDDING. ANCIENT

HISTORY.

Erica: ANCIENT? YES. WHY NOT

THROW IN DEAD AND BURIED.

Christian: ERICA, YOU KNOW I

DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY THAT.

YOU LOOK WONDERFUL.

Erica: NO, YOU LOOK WONDERFUL,

YOU BASTARD. THE HANDSOME YOUNG

PRINCE TURNED INTO AN EVEN MORE

HANDSOME YOUNG PLASTIC SURGEON.

I TURNED INTO AN OLD LADY WHO

NEEDS A FACE-LIFT. YOU MUST

THINK I'M PATHETIC.

Christian: ACTUALLY, I STILL

THINK YOU'RE A KNOCKOUT. YOU

DON'T NEED A FACE-LIFT, ERICA.

Erica: DON'T BULLSHIT

A BULLSHITTER. WHEN A HUNKY GUY

AT THE AIRPORT ASKS YOU

DIRECTIONS NOT BECAUSE HE'S

TRYING TO PICK YOU UP, BUT

BECAUSE HE REALLY WANTS THOSE

DIRECTIONS, YOU HAVE FALLEN OFF

THE RADAR, SEXUALLY SPEAKING.

Christian: IT HAPPENS TO

EVERYBODY. I GOT SHOT DOWN LAST

NIGHT BY A 25-YEAR-OLD.

Erica: DON'T PATRONIZE ME.

Christian: IT'S A TRUE STORY.

SOMEHOW I'VE BECOME THAT OLD GUY

ON MY DRIVER'S LICENSE. THE ONE

I'VE BEEN HIDING MYSELF FROM

UNTIL IT'S TIME TO RENEW AND

THEN THERE'S SOME EVEN OLDER

GUY NEXT TO MY NAME...PRETENDING

TO BE ME.

Erica: HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?

YOU'RE STILL A KID.

AN INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL KID.

Erica: FEEL THAT?

Christian: YES.

Erica: IT'S THE FOUNTAIN OF

YOUTH. ALL I NEED IS FOR YOU

TO TURN IT ON.

[MONITOR BEEPING]

[LIBBY MOANS]

Sean: YOU'RE HEALING NICELY.

Chad: OHH. OH, IT'S LOOKS SO

GREAT, LIB.

Libby: CAN I SEE?

Libby: WELL, I LOOK HOT.

ACTUALLY, I THOUGHT THERE WAS

GOING TO BE MORE PROGRESS.

Chad: LIB, COME ON. DR. McNAMARA

FULLY EXPLAINED THIS FIRST

PROCEDURE WAS ARCHITECTURAL.

IT'S JUST THE BEGINNING. [SIGHS]

LOOK, I KNOW DR. McNAMARA NEEDS

SOME PRIVATE EXAM TIME, SO I'LL

SEE YOU TOMORROW MORNING BEFORE

I GO TO WORK. OK?

Libby: I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA

WATCH GLITTER TONIGHT?

Chad: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU I

HAVE A...DINNER.

Libby: WITH WHO?

Chad: A FRIEND.

Libby: I'M YOUR FRIEND. AND I

NEED YOU HERE TONIGHT, CHAD.

Chad: I NEED A BREAK. OK, LIBBY?

I MEAN, ONE NIGHT AWAY FROM THE

TUBES AND THE--

I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

THANKS, DOCTOR.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Sean: YOU OK?

Libby: HE'S DATING SOMEONE

AGAIN. I KNOW IT.

Sean: AND THIS IS A BAD THING?

Libby: NO, NOT AT ALL. THEY

NEVER LAST, BUT WE DO.

Sean: MS. ZUCKER, I'D LIKE TO

RECOMMEND THAT WE MOVE YOU TO

FAIRMONT CONVALESCENCE CENTER

AT THE END OF THE WEEK.

Libby: A NURSING HOME?

Sean: A PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL

RECOVERY CENTER.

Libby: IF YOU THINK I NEED TO BE

ON A SUICIDE WATCH, FORGET IT.

IT TAKES SELF-ESTEEM AND COURAGE

TO PULL A TRIGGER. IF I COULDN'T

DO IT THE FIRST TIME, WHAT MAKES

YOU THINK I COULD DO IT NOW?

Libby: I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE

HERE...WITH PIPES DRAINING DOWN

MY THROAT, LOOKING LIKE A

MONSTER. NEITHER WAS CHAD.

THE PLAN WAS FOR US TO MEET

UPSTAIRS AT THE ETERNAL TEA

DANCE IN THE CLOUDS. THAT WAS

THE PLAN. WE WENT OUT FOR MY

BIRTHDAY, BUT IT WASN'T FUN ANY

MORE. OUR JOBS SUCKED, NOBODY

OFFERED TO BUY US DRINKS. SO WE

THOUGHT WHY NOT GO OUT IN A

BLAZE OF GLORY?

Chad: ONE, 2--

Libby: BUT I COULDN'T DO IT.

I LOVED HIM TOO MUCH.

Chad: 3.

[GUNSHOT]

Sean: WHEN SUCH A BIG THING WAS

TAKEN FROM YOU, DID YOU EVER

WISH--

Libby: I HADN'T LIVED? NO.

IT TOOK ALMOST DYING TO REALIZE

THAT AGING ISN'T A CURSE.

IT'S A PRIVILEGE.

[TEENA MARIE SINGS LOVERGIRL]

* HEE *

[ERICA EXHALING HEAVILY]

Erica: YOU HAVE TO SET ASIDE

AN HOUR 4 TIMES A WEEK IF YOU

WANT TO SEE RESULTS.

Julia: I'M HAPPY TO JUST

MAINTAIN.

Erica: APPARENTLY.

Julia: WE MANAGED TO GET THROUGH

THE ENTIRE HOUR WITHOUT

BLUDGEONING EACH OTHER WITH THE

FREE WEIGHTS, MOTHER. LET'S NOT

WRECK IT NOW.

Erica: YOU'RE RIGHT, IT'S FUN.

BUT, DARLING, STOP KIDDING

YOURSELF. ONCE YOU HIT 40, IT'S

WAR. YOU AGAINST GRAVITY.

Julia: 40? WOW. YOUR TROOPS MUST

HAVE INCREDIBLE BATTLE FATIGUE.

Erica: I CONSULTED WITH

CHRISTIAN ABOUT MY LIFT. HE TOLD

ME I HAD THE BODY OF

A 40-YEAR-OLD. HE SEEMED TO

THINK MY BODY WAS AS GOOD AS

YOURS.

Julia: OH, PLEASE, MOTHER. HE

WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL

BETTER.

Erica: HE'D ALREADY TAKEN CARE

OF THAT.

* I JUST WANT TO ROCK

YOUR WORLD *

Julia: YOU SLEPT WITH HIM?!

Erica: WE'RE BOTH SINGLE,

CONSENTING ADULTS. SHOULD I HAVE

ASKED PERMISSION?

* HOOK, LINE AND SINKER, BABY,

THAT'S HOW YOU CAUGHT ME,

MY SECOND VERSE MIGHT BE

A BIT OLD HAT *

[JULIA SIGHS]

Erica: EXCUSE ME, HAVE I BROKEN

SOME UNHOLY LAW "THOU SHALT NOT

SLEEP WITH THY SON-IN-LAW'S

PARTNER"?

Julia: YES, WHEN HE'S ABOUT TO

OPERATE ON YOUR FACE.

Erica: WHY ARE YOU SO UPSET?

Julia: BECAUSE...HAVING A

FACE-LIFE IS SO TOTALLY

INDULGENT. YOU'RE APPEALING

ENOUGH TO SEDUCE A MAN 20 YEARS

YOUNGER THAN YOU. WHAT MORE DO

YOU WANT?

Erica: LOOK AT ME, JULIA.

Julia: OH, MY GOD! WHAT ARE YOU

DOING?!

Erica: YOU CAN EXERCISE YEARS

OFF YOUR BODY AND I HAVE. SEE?

BUT CRUNCHES CAN'T TIGHTEN THE

SKIN UNDER YOUR CHIN. I WANT TO

FEEL THE WAY HE MADE ME FEEL FOR

MORE THAN JUST AN HOUR. I WANT

SOMEONE TO LOOK AT THE ENTIRE ME

WITH DESIRE. [SIGHS] BUT HE

DIDN'T LOOK AT ME. HE DIDN'T

OPEN HIS EYES, NOT ONCE. TO GET

THROUGH IT, HE HAD TO FANTASIZE

ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE.

[HAIR DRYER BLOWING]

[WILBUR COOING]

Christian: THAT KID NEVER SLEEPS

FOR LONGER THAN 15 MINUTES.

Kelly: HE DOES FOR ME.

Christian: SERIOUSLY? YOU CAN

GET HIM TO SLEEP?

Kelly: I KNOW HOW TO WEAR ALL

MY BOYS OUT. WANT TO SEE MY

TRICK?

Christian: SURE.

HEY, HEY! WHATCHA DOING, BOY?

COME HERE. COME HERE. OH!

[WILBUR COUGHS AND CRIES]

Christian: OH, YOU'RE OK. IT'S

OK, IT'S OK, IT'S OK. HEY,

WHAT'S THE MATTER, BUDDY? HUH?

HERE, HERE, COME ON. PUT THIS

IN. HERE, COME ON. COUGH SYRUP,

WHAT'S THAT FOR?

Kelly: I CALL THIS A BINKATINI.

IT'LL PUT HIM OUT FOR HOURS.

OPEN UP, BABY BOY--

Christian: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

YOU'VE BEEN POISONING MY KID

WITH THIS?

Kelly: CHILL OUT! IT'S JUST

OVER-THE-COUNTER STUFF.

Christian: GET OUT!

Kelly: WHAT THE HELL?

Christian: I SAID GET OUT HERE,

YOU INCOMPETENT BITCH!

Kelly: DON'T YOU DARE START THAT

"PRECIOUS BABY COMES FIRST" SHIT

WITH ME, DR. TROY. IF YOU WANTED

A REAL NANNY, YOU WOULD'VE HIRED

ONE WHO DIDN'T DEEP THROAT DADDY

DURING THE JOB INTERVIEW.

Christian, whispers: IT'S OK.

Julia: IT'S NOT FUNNY, SEAN.

Sean: I'M SORRY, BUT THE PICTURE

OF THOSE 2 VAIN LITTLE PEAS IN

THEIR SELF-ABSORBED PODS PUMPING

AWAY ON THE DESK! IT'S HILARIOUS

IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

Julia: I DON'T WANT TO THINK

ABOUT IT.

Sean: OH, COME ON. WHY ARE YOU

TAKING THIS SO PERSONALLY?

Julia: UGH!

MY OWN MOTHER FLASHED ME AT THE

GYM, AND THEN SHE INSISTED SHE

HAD A BETTER BODY THAN ME.

Sean: SHE DOESN'T. IF SHE

BOTHERS YOU SO MUCH, LET'S HAVE

CHRISTIAN DO HER LIFT AND SEND

HER PACKING.

Julia: SHE SAYS IT'S A CONFLICT

OF INTEREST NOW BECAUSE SHE

SCREWED HIM. SHE'S INSISTING

AGAIN THAT YOU DO IT.

WOULD YOU? AND THEN WE NEVER

HAVE TO BUY HER ANOTHER

CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR AS LONG AS

WE LIVE.

Sean: HEH HEH HEH! HMM. SURE.

Julia: OH!

Sean: YOU'RE NOTHING LIKE HER,

YOU KNOW. OUR KIDS ARE SO LUCKY.

Julia: HUH! TURNING 40 AGREES

WITH YOU. YOU'VE BECOME

POSITIVELY UNFLAPPABLE.

MMM! MMM! HEH HEH HEH! MMM! OH!

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

OH! OH! HELLO? COME HERE!

[WILBUR CRIES]

Christian: HE'S BEEN LIKE THIS

FOR HOURS. I DID MY FACES, MY

TICKLE ME ELMO VOICE. NOTHING

CALMED HIM DOWN.

Julia: HE DOESN'T FEEL FEVERISH.

Christian: WHY ARE YOU DOING

THAT? I ALREADY BURPED HIM.

[WILBUR BURPS]

Julia: HEH HEH! APPARENTLY NOT

TO COMPLETION. HEY, HON. HMM!

IT'S ALL RIGHT, SWEETHEART. COME

ON.

Christian: YOU AND ME PLAYING

MOM AND POP, IT'S QUITE A

PICTURE, HUH?

Julia: WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL GINA?

Christian: AND LET HER KNOW THAT

I'M AN INCOMPETENT DAD? NO WAY.

SHE'D USE THAT AGAINST ME.

Julia: WELL THEN, CHRISTIAN,

READ DR. SPOCK. SEAN AND I CAN'T

KEEP CLEANING UP YOUR MESSES.

Christian: WHY ARE YOU BEING

SUCH A BITCH?

Julia: YOU SLEPT WITH MY MOTHER!

Christian: OHH. ONCE. HEH! AT

YOUR WEDDING.

Julia: OH! ALSO AT MY WEDDING?!

Christian: SO I SEE SHE OFFERED

UP FULL DISCLOSURE.

Julia: OK, CHRISTIAN, WELL,

THANK YOU.

Christian: FOR WHAT?

Julia: THANK YOU FOR RELEASING

ME COMPLETELY FROM ANY RESIDUAL

EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT THAT I

MIGHT HAVE HAD TOWARDS YOU!

Christian: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED

WE WEREN'T EVER GOING THERE

AGAIN?

Julia: YEAH, BUT YOU CAN'T KEEP

UP YOUR END OF THE BARGAIN, CAN

YOU? MY MOTHER AND I BEAR MORE

THAN A PASSING RESEMBLANCE TO

EACH OTHER. WHEN YOU WERE

SCREWING HER AND YOUR EYES WERE

CLOSED AND EVERYTHING WAS A

LITTLE SELF-FOCUSED, WHO DID

YOU PRETEND YOU WERE WITH?

STOP HURTING ME BECAUSE YOU

CAN'T HAVE ME, CHRISTIAN. YOU

TURN 40 NEXT WEEK. FOR

EVERYBODY'S SAKE, GROW UP.

[HEART MONITOR BEEPING]

Liz: THIS MUST BE WEIRD FOR YOU.

Sean: IT IS. SHE LOOKS A LITTLE

TOO MUCH LIKE JULIA. THOUGH I

GUESS THAT DIDN'T BOTHER YOU.

Christian: I NEEDED TO FEEL A

LITTLE MORE MAY THAN SEPTEMBER

FOR A CHANGE.

Liz: MORE LIKE AUGUST-OCTOBER.

Christian: HMPH! YOU READY TO

TURN BACK TIME?

Sean: SCALPEL.

Christian: THANK YOU, NURSE.

YOU ALL RIGHT?

LIZ IS RIGHT. THIS MUST BE WEIRD

FOR YOU. LIKE CUTTING INTO YOUR

OWN WIFE'S FACE. I GET IT. I'LL

DO IT. YOU SUPERVISE.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Julia: BE KIND.

I THINK I WORK BETTER ON WOMEN

I'VE SCREWED. ONCE YOU'VE SEEN A

WOMAN'S COME FACE, YOU'VE SEEN

HER SOUL.

THAT WAS EERIE WHAT WE JUST DID

IN THERE, WASN'T IT? MEN AGE AND

SOCIETY SAYS WE BECOME MORE

RUGGED, AND WOMEN AGE AND THEY

JUST BECOME...OLD. SAD.

Sean: IT IS SAD, ISN'T IT? TO BE

40 AND KNOW YOU'VE PEAKED.

Christian: JESUS, SEAN, WE'VE

BEEN THROUGH THIS. ACCENTUATE

THE GODDAMN POSITIVE FOR A

CHANGE.

Sean: I HAVE A YIP.

Christian: A WHAT?

Sean: A SPASM, A PSYCHOLOGICAL

DISORDER. THAT'S WHY I COULDN'T

DO ERICA'S LIFT TODAY.

Christian: WHEN DID THIS FIRST

HAPPEN?

Sean: I COULD BARELY GET THROUGH

THE ZUCKER SURGERY.

Christian: YOU OPERATED ON A

PATIENT KNOWING THIS COULD'VE

AFFECTED YOUR PERFORMANCE?

Sean: WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

YOU CAN DO A GARDEN VARIETY

LIFT. CONGRATULATIONS! BUT YOU

DON'T HAVE THE SKILL OR THE

EXPERIENCE TO DO COMPLICATED

MICRO-SURGERY. WHAT KIND OF

SURGICAL DESTINATION FOR THE

SOUTHERN U.S. ARE WE SUPPOSED TO

BE WHEN ONE OF US IS AN INVALID?

IF I CAN'T OPERATE, WE CAN'T

OPERATE.

Libby: FROM VICODIN TO MORPHINE.

I'M STOKED. HOW DOES IT WORK?

Liz: WHEN YOU FEEL DISCOMFORT,

YOU PUSH THIS LITTLE BUTTON AND

THE MEDICATION INSTANTLY

DISPERSES INTO YOUR BLOODSTREAM.

Libby: CAN YOU OVERDOSE ON IT?

Liz: NO. THE SYSTEM HAS

SAFEGUARDS. MS. ZUCKER, I'M

WORKING LATE TONIGHT, AND WHEN

I'M OFF I CAN HELP TRANSPORT YOU

TO THE MEDICAL FACILITY IF YOUR

FRIEND DOESN'T--

Chad: HEY, BEAUTIFUL.

Liz: I'LL BE HERE FOR AN HOUR IF

YOU NEED ME. OK?

Libby: THANKS.

Chad: THANKS. SO WE ALL PACKED

AND READY TO GO?

Libby: ALMOST.

Chad: OK.

Libby: WHERE WERE YOU?

Chad: I WAS STUCK IN TRAFFIC.

IT--IT WAS TERRIBLE--

Libby: HAVE SOME DIGNITY. STOP

LYING.

Chad: OK. I WAS WITH A FRIEND.

Libby: YOU MEAN A BOYFRIEND AND

YOU WERE TOO AFRAID TO TELL ME.

Chad: BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME TAKE

SIDES AND I'M SICK OF IT.

Libby: ACTUALLY IT'S ME YOU'RE

SICK OF, CHAD. ISN'T THAT RIGHT?

AND MY DISGUSTING MEDICINAL

HOSPITAL SMELLS AND MY NEEDS--

Chad: WHEN YOU'RE LIKE THIS,

YES.

Libby: WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? IT'S

NOT GONNA LAST.

Chad: I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM. HIS

NAME IS JESSE, AND HE LOVES ME,

TOO.

Libby: LET ME GUESS. A MASSAGE

THERAPIST?

Chad: AN ARCHITECT.

Libby: YEAH.

Chad: HE DOESN'T DO DRUGS, HE'S

NOT IN A.A. HE'S A TOGETHER

PERSON, LIB. HE WANTS ME TO MOVE

IN WITH HIM. I WANT TO TALK

ABOUT IT WITH YOU FIRST.

Libby: I GUESS THERE GOES THE

BABY IDEA.

Chad: I LOVE YOU, BUT NOT THE

WAY YOU WANT, LIBBY. OK? I'VE

NEVER LOVED YOU THAT WAY AND I

NEVER WILL. THERE. AFTER 20

YEARS I FINALLY SAID IT.

Libby: YOU'RE MEAN.

Chad: LOOK, YOU'RE STILL MY BEST

FRIEND. I WILL HELP YOU. I

JUST--I CAN'T KEEP DOING THIS,

LIB. I MEAN, WHAT HAPPENED TO

US, IT TAUGHT ME SO MUCH, LIBBY.

I REALIZE THERE'S SO MUCH TO

LIVE FOR. THERE'S SO MUCH OF

LIFE I'VE BEEN SQUANDERING AND

NOW I HAVE A CHANCE TO BE WHOLE.

IT'S A REAL CHANCE, LIB, AND I'M

GOING TO TAKE IT.

Libby: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOUR

HAIR TURNS GRAY, CHAD, AND YOU

GET FAT AND UGLY? I'M THE ONLY

ONE WHO'S GONNA LOVE YOU. HE

WON'T.

Chad: HE SAID HE WANTS TO GROW

OLD WITH ME, LIB. SOMEONE

FINALLY SAID THAT TO ME.

Libby: WELL, I CAN'T LET THAT

HAPPEN, CHAD.

[SOBBING] I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO

LET YOU GROW OLD!

I LOVE YOU!

[GUNSHOT]

[RUFUS WAINWRIGHT SINGING

VIBRATESTARTS]

Rufus Wainwright: * MY PHONE'S

ON VIBRATE FOR YOU,

ELECTROCLASH IS KARAOKE, TOO,

I TRY TO DANCE BRITNEY SPEARS

I GUESS I'M GETTING ON IN YEARS.

MY PHONE'S ON VIBRATE FOR YOU,

GOD KNOWS WHAT ALL THESE

NEW DRUGS DO,

I GUESS TO HAVE NO MORE FEARS

BUT STILL I ALWAYS END UP

IN TEARS... *

Christian: "AS LONG I'M LIVING,

MY BABY YOU'LL BE."

YOU WANT TO HELP DADDY CELEBRATE

HIS BIRTHDAY?

Rufus: * BUT STILL I NEVER EVER

FEEL FROM YOU,

PINOCCHIO'S NOW A BOY

WHO WANTS TO TURN BACK

INTO A TOY,

SO CALL ME,

CALL ME IN THE MORNING,

CALL ME IN THE NIGHT,

SO CALL ME,

CALL ME ANYTIME YOU LIKE,

MY PHONE'S ON VIBRATE... *

Christian: LET'S MAKE A WISH.

[THINKING] PLEASE LET ME BE

A GOOD FATHER.

Rufus: * FOR YOU, FOR YOU *

[WILBUR GURGLES]

[CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL

CAPTIONING INSTITUTE

--www.ncicap.org--]