All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s08e09_English

-Mr. Baxter.
-Uh-huh.

I need your help.

Listen, we've already talked
about this, okay?

There are no psychotic clowns
living in the sewers, okay?

No. I need you to protect me
from Vanessa.

Protect you from Vanessa?
She loves you.

You must have really screwed up.

She loves me too much.
You know how I applied

to the Rocky Mountain
Geologic Institute?

RMGI, yeah.

Your mascot
is the Earth's crust.

Go, Crusties.

Now get out there and play,

and make sure everybody
walks all over you, everybody.

Vanessa heard they're
sending out acceptance letters.

She keeps asking me
whether I've heard from them.

(stammers) I'm-I'm-I'm
gonna get some coffee.

Come into the kitchen.
Hold on a second. Come on.

I wrote a vlog about this
about a year ago.

It's how sometimes

when the people we love
just want the best for us...

Yeah, yeah, cool story.

How do I get Vanessa
to back off?

Just be patient.

She's probably just nervous

about you getting
in that school.

I'm nervous enough
about it already.

Every time Vanessa asks me,

I can feel my hypothalamus
telling my adrenal glands

to flood my veins
with epinephrine.

Oh, Jen, hey, uh, have-have you
heard from the school yet?

Honey, honey, can't-can't
you smell that? Epinephrine?

No, I haven't heard anything.

All right, well,
fingers crossed.

You know, it's the best
geology school in the state,

and if those "pebble"
know anything,

of "quartz" they'll let you in.
(laughs)

(both laugh)

Help me.

Have a good day, Jen.

(stammers)

Honey...

do you think
we should be pushing Jen

to put all her eggs
in one basket?

Remember we did this with Eve
and West Point?

When they said no,
she was devastated.

No, no. Jen has applied
to a bunch of other schools,

and, look, RMGI is-is legendary.

It would mean the world
if I got in.

If you got in?

No, look, do not put words
in my mouth.

I said "if I got in."

Okay, I heard it that time.

*

It's so cool that Jen
wants to have lunch with us.

Oh, no, no, she-she doesn't.
She just wants to avoid Mom,

and I offered to help her
because I'm great at it.

In eighth grade,

I saw Mom exactly twice.

-Hi, you guys.
-Hey.

So, where are we going?

Well, Mandy wants pizza
and I want tacos,

so we're gonna let you pick.

Pizza with gooey cheese
and tomatoes?

Or, even better,

tacos with gooey cheese
and tomatoes?

Speaking of choices,

I have something
I want you to think about.

I have a lot to think about
already. Thanks, though.

No, you can't get out
of this, Jen.

He's gonna force
some wisdom on you.

He's done it to me
my whole life.

Me, too, and I love it.

Okay, you think you just have
one choices of restaurant.

That may not be the case.

You might get there
and it's closed,

or there's
too many people in it,

or you don't want to be there,

but you know there's always
other restaurants to go to.

Do you follow me?

Yes.

No, but I feel this is
for Jen's benefit,

so I'll save my questions.

He's talking about
my college applications.

Oh. This may take a while.
We will wait for you in the car.

-Come on, babe.
-Oh, no, no, no, no,
but I'm going back to school.

I want to hear what makes
college a restaurant.

Okay.

I appreciate your advice,
Mr. Baxter,

but I really don't want to think
about colleges right now.

Okay, well, then don't check
your e-mail every five minutes.

Actually, I was watching
one of your vlogs.

Well, you certainly don't want
to binge on those.

You'll lose a whole weekend
on that stuff.

Did you, did you
like one of them?

What'd you,
what'd you see you liked?

It's that one where you relate
your love of deep-sea fishing

to the economic policies
of Ronald Reagan.

Oh, yikes.

The Gipper and Flipper.

It's a classic, it's a classic.

That's a great one, good one.

I'm impressed how you can
combine humor with insight,

all while creatively
highlighting

the Outdoor Man brand.

Wow. Look at you.

Getting to understand
marketing strategy, are you?

You know what?

I'm about ready to shoot a vlog
in 20 minutes.

You want to watch how we do it?

Uh, did the Gipper
love jelly beans?

I'll see you in 20 minutes.

Great, I just have to tell
Kyle and Mandy, okay?

Oh, you don't have to tell Kyle.

He's probably listening
right out there. Kyle!

She's not having lunch with you.

Okay, thanks.

Okay.

We have the brisket plate

and the brick chicken.
(chuckles)

Sorry for the wait, guys,
I just, you know, well...

(chuckles) I'm carrying
my own load of bricks.

Should Kristin
be waiting tables?

Huh. No, probably not,

but you know the Baxters,
they're tough.

-Mm.
-Yeah.

You know, Mike once sewed
one of his fingers back on.

What?

Just-just take a look next time.
The knuckle's on the wrong side.

-(laughs)
-Okay, fellas,
here's your check.

-Hey.
-Whew. I need a breather.

(sighs)

What are you doing
waiting on tables?

Are you short-staffed
or something, what?

Ah, probably. I need to set up
some interviews,

but, uh, oh, I'm just so busy.

Kristin, you shouldn't be
working a lunch shift.

You should put your feet up.

That's how I got into this mess.

-(Ed muttering)
-(Chuck laughing)

No, no, no, no. I'm okay.

You know, I-I take a break
here and there. (chuckles)

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Wow.

-I know what I'm gonna do.
-Hmm?

I'm gonna give
that brave little lady

a big fat tip.

You're a good man, Ed.

Yup.

You could be a good man,
too, Chuck.

I don't see why one of us
just can't be good.

-Hey, hon.
-Hey, Vanessa.

Good, good, good,
you're finally home.

Jen wanted to see how
the vlogs were made,

and then we stuck around
a little while,

I showed her how I put
the graphics in and edit.

It was great.

It was amazing.

I never knew marketing
was so fascinating.

To see Mr. Baxter craft his vlog

is to watch Van Gogh paint.

-Okay, whatever.
-MIKE: We're not done yet.

You see, now let her finish,
let her finish.

It was so much fun, Vanessa.

I even pitched him a line
and he used it.

Tell her the line, tell her.

Go ahead, tell her,
tell her, tell her.

Okay. (chuckles)

"You don't have to be
a vegetarian

to want to save a buck."

You get it? It's a, it's a pun.

It's a pun,
but it's entertaining

'cause it's not about rocks.

That's, uh-uh, very,
very clever, Jen, that's...

It was just one line.

The rest of the genius
was provided,

of course, by Mr. Baxter.

Okay, well-well,
speaking of genius,

uh, guess what came
in the mail today.

-Picture of me?
-No!

A big, fat envelope

from the Rocky Mountain
Geologic Institute.

-Oh, wow.
-You got in.

(chuckles)
Oh, congratulations, Jen.

Well, look at that,
I did get in.

(chuckles) Yeah.

Jen, why-why aren't you excited?
I... You're in shock.

No. I just don't know
if I want to go there anymore.

I think I'd rather go somewhere
with a marketing department.

What did you do?

VANESSA:
Don't you dare

play innocent with me.

You lured that child
with your slick vlogs

and your clever slogans.

Ooh, "Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man."

-Lured?
-Lured, yes.

You make it sound like
I was waiting out front

in a van full of candy
and crack.

Marketing is a great profession.

I studied it
at University of Michigan.

Yeah, well, they teach it at
the Ohio State University, too.

Yeah, but at Michigan
they teach it properly.

You know, Jen's father sent her
here to become a scientist,

and geology needs
smart, passionate,

talented young women.

-Every field needs those.
-(sighs)

You know, do you remember
my mentor Professor Quinn?

Yeah? He encouraged me

when geology was almost

entirely male and not
particularly friendly to women.

Because none of those men
had ever met a female.

You know, Professor Q
told me to never give up.

He always had my back,

and Jen, Jen is my chance
to pay that forward.

Right, so this has
nothing to do with

turning Jen into
a carbon copy of you.

Of course it is.

And all that other high-minded,

"good for society" crap.
I...

You can't strong-arm a kid
into doing

what you want them to do.

Oh, yeah, you're right.
No, you're right, you're right.

That is what marketing is for.

Well, you know what, Mike?
I can get through to Jen,

and you are not the only one

with a van full of crack.

Do you know that literally
every device in this house

listens to us now?

If the government is listening,

we do not have
a van full of crack!

Chuck, could you
call my phone, please?

Yeah, sure.
Did you lose it again?

No, no, no, see, I've-I've got
a cramp in my quad

and I-I need a-a massage...

(phone buzzing)

Ah, there we go.

(laughs)

Just call me back in 20 minutes.

That feels good.

Hey.
Hey, Ed, take a look at this.

You got a shoplifter?

No, no, no, no. This is from
the camera on the loading dock.

ED:
Good Lord.

She's playing Hacky Sack.

I'm zero months' pregnant
and I can't play Hacky Sack.

-Ed.
-What?

Do you think...?

She's playing us? Oh, yes.

Yes, that's another thing
about the Baxters--

they know how to work the con.

-Hi, Vanessa.
-Hey.

-What are you doing?
-I am planning a lesson

on density, and I am arranging
all of these in order

from lowest to highest.

What's wrong?

You've got your limestone where
your amphibolite should be.

Have you lost your marble?

(both chuckle)

All right, first of all,
I love you.

-I...
-(chuckles)

And second,
how can you throw away

all this amazing knowledge?

Oh, I'm starving.
What do we got? Oh, rocks again?

Can't we have
pea gravel just once?

No, I... listen,
I-I'm trying to prove to Jen

that she still has
a passion for geology.

-Of course I do.
-Yeah... Well, great. Fantastic.

RMGI, here we come.

Vanessa, I'm still
not sure about RMGI.

It's nothing but geology, and...

what if I want to do
something else with my life?

-It would be
perfectly all right.
-Mike...

Think about it.
Don't we know somebody

who had a very fixed idea
of what to do with their life

-and then they completely
changed direction?
-No, no.

You cannot compare
Jen to Kristin.

Jen did not get pregnant
in high school. Right?

I meant you.
Geologist-turned-teacher

-who may run for office?
-Oh, no.

Don't you dare
use me against me.

Listen, kids like Jen
became exchange students

so they could learn and grow,

and I think
we've done a good job here.

Yes. Yes, you have.

Living in America
has really opened my mind

and made me realize
I could become something

I never even dreamed of.

Right. Well, America helped,
but it's mostly living here.

With me.

Vanessa, Mr. Baxter,

I'm gonna be
a social media influencer.

Thank you both.

What did you do?

Hey, Mike Baxter
for Outdoor Man.

This is a sonar fish finder.

You know, if Nemo's dad
had bought one of these,

that movie would have been
four minutes long.

You see, most fish
don't want to be found.

So we invented this baby.

You can swim,
but you can't hide.

Yeah, fish need depth
to survive,

so fishermen explore
the depths to eat.

Rest of society?
Not too interested in depth.

In fact, if you go online,

you'll realize the more shallow
the better, right?

And you sell some "new" makeup,

boom-- you're a billionaire.

A kid unboxing a toy--

a hundred million views?

Oh, and a cat chasing a dog?

Humanity grinds to a halt.

Hell, it's gotten so bad, if you
just call a song "Shallow,"

we'll give you an Academy Award.

But a TED Talk, a TED Talk about
the complex decision-making

of a bacteria, the oldest
living organism on Earth:

boring.

No one's forwarding that video.

Which is why bacteria will be
here long after we're gone.

It probably explains the fever
I have right now.

You see, when you're completely
unserious as a species,

who knows what depths
we'll sink to?

Man, oh, man. But it doesn't
have to be that way.

We can get as serious
about fishing for meaning

as anglers are
fishing for dinner.

And if you buy one of these,

I'll throw in
a piece of equipment

that makes fishing with your
buddies even more meaningful.

The Sportsman Gasmaster 6000.

It's a motion detector--
it looks like a camera,

-but they walk by it and...
-(fart sound)

Wow. That...

It works somehow
without batteries.

And that's a Baxter out.

-She's on her way up.
-Okay, good, good, okay.

-Now, remember, right,
she comes in.
-Mm-hmm. Yeah.

We tell her
the cat's out of the bag.

-Right.
-Right? She apologizes,

-and that's it. We move on.
-Well, yeah...

Hey, guys. What's up?

Thanks for coming in, Kristin.

How are you feeling?

Uh, you know, same.
(chuckles)

-Mm.
-Actually, pretty busy, so...

Okay, excuse me, excuse me,
Kristin. (clears throat)

It's come to our attention
that, uh,

-maybe you're using your, uh...
-Condition.

Yeah, condition. Thank you.

To, uh...

-let's say...
-Take advantage.

Take advantage.

-Of our clientele.
-Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

We've seen discrepancies
in your behavior.

One minute you're barely able
to walk across the restaurant,

-the next minute...
-And the next minute,

you're kicking
a Hacky Sack around

like you're at
a Grateful Dead concert.

So that's why
you called me up here?

You guys...
(chuckles)

You think I'm taking advantage
of my pregnancy?

-Yes. Yes.
-That's pretty much it, yes.

You're accusing me of putting
on an act to squeeze

a few extra bucks
out of my customers.

(laughs)

(sighs)

Well...

I am.

Now, look, look, honey, we-we...

Do you have any idea
what it's like to be pregnant?

(chuckles)

Answer me!

-(stammering)
-C-Carol mentioned it was
a little uncomfortable.

Oh, yeah. You don't sleep.

You get a heartburn
without even eating.

The smell of hummus
makes you want to barf.

-Ooh, that's-that's specific.
-Yeah, yeah.

-People touch your belly
without even asking.
-Whoa.

Clothes feel like sandpaper and
you pee every time you cough.

Or laugh, which you never
do anymore

because you're pregnant.

The only advantage among

the zillions of disadvantages

is that people
feel sorry for you

and they tip a little bit more.

-Oh.
-(chuckles)

(sighs)
But you're right.

Yeah, that's-that's
unprofessional.

Well, that's,

that's sort of a strong word.

-Yeah, I wouldn't put it
like that.
-Right.

-Oh, y-you wouldn't?
-No...

No... Uh, so, okay,
so if it's not unprofessional,

then we don't have a problem?

-No, no...
-We're good here, I'm good.

Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much, yes.

Say thank you to Uncle Ed
and Uncle Chuck.

(laughter)

"Thank you."
(laughs)

(sighs)
I'll expect you for lunch.

Bring your wallets.

Oh, yes, that's a,
that's another thing

about the Baxters, huh?

They're terrifying.

VANESSA:
So, Jen,

we want to talk to you
about your future

as a social media influencer.

I know. I'm so excited.

Yeah. Not gonna happen.

What? You can't do that.

Of course we can.

America's a-a democracy,
for sure,

but in here it's a dictatorship.

-We're co-dictators.
-Mm-hmm.

Look, your father sent you here
to get an education,

not a million followers.

But it's what I really
want to do.

Again, we don't care.

Unbelievable. And I thought
you guys were cool.

Don't feel bad.
Our kids frequently made

-that same mistake.
-(laughs)

Look, if you guys would
just let me tell you,

I think you'd love it.

Okay, tell us.

I can't really tell you.

I love it.

I mean, I have to show you.

Just keep in mind,
it's only the concept.

-All right.
-I shot it on my phone,

and I'm really not that good
with the editing software.

*

Oh, no. Exactly
what I was afraid of.

Hi, I'm Jen, and I love geology.

And I'm gonna make you
love it, too.

Most people think
rocks never change.

They just sit there
like, you know, a rock.

Hell, that's kind of cool.

But some do, and you know
who discovered it?

A rocking girl named
Florence Bascom.

(guitar riff)

My Florence Bascom?
(laughs)

She was the first female member
of the U.S. Geologic Survey.

Oh. For a minute,
I thought it was the housekeeper

from The Brady Bunch.

Flo figured out that over time,

rhyolite becomes a different
kind of volcanic rock:

holocrystalline.

How much time?

Millions of years.

About as long as it takes
Congress to get anything done.

Yeah. I like that.

As the only woman in her classes
at Johns Hopkins University,

Florence had to sit
behind a screen

so the guys wouldn't be
distracted by her.

(sad trombone sound effect)

But she didn't give up,
and neither should you.

So, girls, keep digging.

Mica drop.

Jen out.

I know, I know. It's so dumb.

I can't believe I showed you.

-It's awesome.
-Yeah.

It's really good, Jen.
It really is.

-Yeah.
-You really think so?

-Oh, gosh.
-Because I have a lot
of other ideas.

You know who you should
send this to?

The Geologic Institute?

Yeah, you should send it
to them, but also your dad.

He would be very proud of this.

You know who else
would be proud?

Professor Q.

Wow.

See that? You got her
all "sedimental."

Sorry, we don't have tacos
and we don't have pizza.

And I think you knew that.

So is there anything on the menu
that you would like?

Okay.

-Ah, it all looks so good.
-Mm.

You know, can I do the, uh,
the short rib plate?

A-And can I make a substitution?

-Sure.
-Okay.

Uh, instead of the short ribs,
can you make that ground beef?

And can you serve that
on a tortilla

with some onions
and chopped peppers?

Uh-huh.

Yeah, um... You?

Uh, I think... Oof. Ooh, hard.

-Hmm.
-Um, I'll have

the linguine with marinara,
but instead...

Ha, let me guess.
Hold the linguine

and put the sauce on one of the
pitas from the falafel plate?

Top it with mozzarella
and pepperoni?

That sounds so great. Thank you.

(chuckles) If you guys wanted
pizza and tacos so bad,

why did you come here?

Oh, we have a coupon.

And it's both of our birthdays.

But instead of the free cake,
can we substitute...

Get out.

(chicken clucks)

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH