Original subtitles

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: And now, "I Love Lucy."

(audience applauding as theme song fades out)

Yeah, I know, Ralph, but I can't sell you the car.

How am I going to get back to New York?

Well, I'll see you at the studio later.

Good-bye.

Who was that, honey?

Ralph Berger.

He fell in love with our car.

He wants to buy it.

You can't sell the car.

How are we gonna get home?

I know. I told him to forget it.

Oh.

Gee, I wonder what happened to Fred.

What do you mean?

Well, I called him about an hour ago

and asked him to go out and buy something for me

and he just disappeared.

All he had to do was get a little box of Q-tips.

It shouldn't take him that long.

A box of what?

Q-tips. You know,

these little things I use for the baby.

Oh, oh.

You see the new can that I bought?

The can of shaving lather I just bought?

No, I didn't see it.

Well, it's missing.

And another little item is missing, too.

My safety razor.

The razor I saw.

I took it away from the baby this morning.

There was no Oh. blade in it,

but do you know that he climbed all the way up

on the sink to get it?

Now, what did I do with it?

Oh.

Certainly, you didn't put it in your purse.

Well, you never can...

I think we're closing in on that can of lather.

Oh, get me something to wipe this off with, honey.

Look at this mess.

What that kid won't do.

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

I found the razor.

(chuckling): Oh.

How did he ever get that in there?

Here, honey.

Oh, what that kid doesn't get into. Honestly.

I can't get it out. How did he put it in there?

It's gonna be an interesting way to shave.

(laughing)

Oh, dear.

Ricky?

Little Ricky?

I want to see you.

Maybe I can shoot my whiskers off.

Oh, no!

What happened?

Let's see what your daddy has to say about this.

Oh, no!

Oh, Ricky!

It's all over everything in there.

Now, you know you shouldn't do that.

Let's wash him off.

I'll wash him off.

Wash him off.

Lucy?

Oh, Lucy?

Here.

Well, what's this?

Well, you wanted cue tips, didn't you?

Yes.

Well, they wouldn't sell me the tips

without the cues.

Here, I brought you some chalk, too.

Fred, I think you flipped your lid.

I wanted some of these little things.

What?!

I'd like to see you shoot pool

with a silly, little thing like that.

Oh, Fred.

Tried to do somebody a favor

and this is the thanks you get.

Fred, I thought you knew what they were.

I flipped my lid, huh?

Oh... heavens.

Well... I tried it, but it's impossible.

I'm sorry, honey.

I'm going over to Fred and finish shaving.

Okay.

And maybe I can... I'll go over to the studio after that

and say good-bye to everybody

and then I'll have the car checked.

All right, dear.

Bye.

(door shuts)

Oh, gosh.

Lucy, what's going on around here?

Fred's as mad as a hornet

and I just passed Ricky in the hall

and he's half dressed and bleeding to death.

What are you doing?

I'm just taking some shaving lather out of my purse.

It's a good thing we're gonna go back

to New York in a couple of days.

This group is cracking up.

You can say that again.

Hey, Lucy, we're going swimming.

You want to come along?

No. You go on, I got to get packed.

I got twice as much stuff as I had when we came out here.

Oh. Where we gonna eat tonight?

Don't you ever think of anything but food?

Ehh.

I've got twice as much Ethel as we had when I come out here.

Oh, Fred, leave her alone.

(phone ringing)

ETHEL: What do you want to start that for?

FRED: Because it's true.

Hello.

Lucy? Yeah, Ricky.

You're getting big as a barrel.

I am not.

If Route 66 was downhill,

I could roll you back to New York.

Oh, I don't think that's very funny.

Wait, ju-just a minute, dear.

Hey, hey, you two. Please, just a second.

What'd you say, dear?

I was saying that I'm at the studio,

and I just sold the car.

What? How are we gonna get home?

On the train.

Oh.

You know, uh, the fellow I told you about-- Ralph Berger--

he paid me almost as much as I paid for the car.

And not only that, but by using the, uh, family travel plan,

we can make money on the deal.

Well, that sounds great.

Are you gonna be home the rest of the afternoon?

What?

Are you gonna be home? Yeah.

Well, I'm gonna have the tickets sent over right away.

All right, dear. Good-bye.

Guess what?

Ricky sold the car.

Sold the car?

What are you talking about?

Some fellow at the studio offered him

practically what he paid for it, so he sold it.

Isn't that wonderful?

Oh, yes, that's wonderful.

That's just dandy.

Well, you don't sound very pleased.

I presume when Ricky sold the car,

the back seat went with it?

Well, naturally.

What are you getting at?

Well, we were rather attached to that seat.

That's the way we came out here

and that's the way we planned on going home.

Is that what you're upset about?

You'd be upset, too, if you just had your back seat

shot out from under you.

Oh, Ethel, don't be silly.

We're all going home on the train.

You're going with us.

Who says so?

Ricky says so.

Quote, we're going home on the train, unquote.

You're part of we.

Messenger's on the way over here right now with the tickets.

Yeah, but how many?

One for you, one for Ethel, Ricky, mother and me.

Five. The baby doesn't need any.

(chuckling): Oh.

I guess we were a little hasty, honey.

Good old Ricky wouldn't forget us.

Well, of course not.

Gee, the train!

I haven't been on the train since I was a little girl.

Did they have trains then?

Ho-ho.

Gee, won't it be fun?

You know, they have those new dome-liner observation cars

and diners on that train.

You can, oh, see the scenery all the way back to New York.

(knock at door) Eat and look out at the same time.

Yeah? Mrs. Ricardo?

Yes. Sign here, please.

Yes, sir.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Here are the tickets.

Uh-huh.

One... two... three... four...

One, two, three...

Hmm.

Now, there's just been a mistake.

Yes, and we made it.

Come on, Fred.

Now, Ethel, listen.

Don't go away mad.

Mad? Whatever gave you the idea we were mad?

Why, we're tickled to death.

I think it's so thoughtful of Ricky

to pick such a nice place as California to dump us in!

Oh, Ethel.

Oh...

Hi, honey.

What's the matter? You mad because I'm late?

No, I'm not mad because you're late.

Well, did I do something?

You sure did, buster.

What did I did?

Just think back over everything you did this afternoon.

Well, I went to the studio.

I said good-bye to everybody.

I sold the car.

The guy that bought the car drove me home,

and... oh, yeah, I bought the train tickets.

How many?

Three.

Only three?

Yeah. The baby doesn't need one.

One for your mother, one for you and one for me.

Oh, no.

The Mertzes.

Oh, yes, the Mertzes.

What's the matter with you, Ricky?

Well, I don't know.

I was busy thinking of that travel family plan

and try to save some money and the car...

They don't know anything about it, do they?

Oh, don't they. They were right here when the tickets arrived.

Oh, dear. Are they mad?

Well, let's put it this way:

If I were you, I wouldn't walk ahead of them down a dark alley.

Oh, well, now, this changes everything.

You know, using that plan an-and only three tickets,

I made money on the deal, but now...

Well, get them over here.

We'll figure out something.

Well, I should hope so.

317, please.

I don't know how could you forget them.

Well, honey, I got so many things on my mind.

The band and the whole thing...

Checked out?

That's impossible.

317-- Mr. And Mrs. Fred Mertz.

Oh, no!

She said they checked out.

They're down in the garage right now, she said.

What are they doing in the garage? They don't have a car.

Maybe they're stealing ours.

We don't have one either.

Oh, well, what's the difference? Come on.

All right.

Oh, no! Oh...

Are you stepping on the right thing?

Yes, I'm stepping on the right thing.

Is that what the man said to step on?

Yes, that's what the man said to step on.

You want to get up here and drive this?

No, I just want to get this thing started.

(engine sputtering)

What do you think you're doing?

Well, what does it look like we're doing?

We're going back to New York.

On a motorcycle?

Yes, on a motorcycle.

Ethel, are you seriously considering

going to all the way to New York on a motorcycle?

Well, Fred gave me a choice, and this beats hitchhiking.

Come on, Fred. Let's go.

Now, wait a minute, Ethel.

We're all going home together.

Ricky said he'd buy the tickets. Didn't you?

Well, we'll figure out something.

There, you see...

What do you mean, "Figure out something?"

Give her the gas, Fred.

(horn tooting) Get out of the way, Lucy.

Go!

We can talk about it.

Get out of the way.

(clamoring)

RICKY: Fred! Fred!

(crashing)

Look out, Fred!

(rattling, glass shattering)

(horn tooting)

(glass breaking)

(dull thud)

Are you all right?

What's the matter?

You step on the wrong gear?

Yes, I step on the wrong gear.

Well, what'd you want to do that for?

Well, I thought it might be fun

to back all the way to New York

so we could see where we've been.

Oh, I don't think

this is any time to be funny, Fred.

All right, all right, Ethel, Ethel, Ethel,

the main thing is, you're all right.

That's right, Fred, Ethel.

I'm sorry. I'll... I'll buy the tickets.

There. That fixes everything.

Oh, Gee, that's great, isn't it Fred?

Fred?

Ricky is spending. He will pay.

Fred, he said he'd buy the tickets.

What more do you want?

Who's gonna pay for that motorcycle?!

Oh...

Well, you certainly don't expect me to.

Oh... Why not?

If you'd bought tickets in the first place,

I wouldn't have to buy the motorcycle

in the second place!

(all clamoring)

...you don't even know how to ride!

(all talking over each other)

Oh!!

(knock at door)

Come in.

Hi.

Hi.

Where's Ethel?

Well, she took the motorcycle down to have it fixed.

Ethel took it down?

Well, I'd have taken it, but my shoulder is killing me.

Oh.

Besides, she's stronger than I am.

Oh, Fred...

Well, she is.

Hey, would it help if I rubbed your shoulder a little bit?

Yeah, I guess so.

How's that?

Oh, that feels fine.

Fred... Yeah?

I had a long talk with Ricky

and he's gonna buy the tickets.

After the fight we had last night?

After the fight you had last night.

Did he say he'd buy 'em?

Well, not exactly,

but I could tell by the look on his face.

Oh, sure. No, now, really,

I know him.

Oh...

LUCY: What's the matter, girl?

I pushed that piece of junk to three different places

and they can't fix it and they won't buy it.

Wouldn't they give you anything on it?

Yep. I got this on it.

A parking ticket?

No. It's for "dumping rubbish within the city limits."

Ethel, Ricky's going to buy

your train tickets.

After the things big mouth said to him last night?

Big mouth?

I suppose I started it?

Oh, now, Fred.

He said he'd buy the tickets.

Why didn't you leave well enough alone?

Why should I get stuck for the price of a motorcycle?

Because you smashed it.

You'd think anybody would have the sense

to start it off and drive it

in the direction it was pointing in.

Ethel, please.

How did I know it was set in reverse?

If you didn't know...

All right, all right, all right.

Now wait a minute, Ethel, Ethel, Fred is right.

If Ricky bought the tickets in the first place,

there wouldn't have been any motorcycle.

Who asked you?

Well, it's just common sense.

Common sense has nothing to do with it.

When I say he's wrong, he's wrong.

Oh, Ethel.

What are you doing over here anyway?

Massaging his shoulder.

I'll rub it if it needs rubbing.

Since when did you and he get to be

such good friends--

you taking his side and rubbing his shoulder?

Why, Ethel, what's the matter with you?

Oh... we're stuck for the price of a motorcycle

and Ricky won't buy those tickets for us

in a million years.

Oh, he will, too.

Now, I'll show you how well I know Ricky.

I'll be right back.

Is this the place that's sore?!

It is now that you've stuck your claws into it.

Here.

Now, here's two of our tickets.

Now, would I be giving you this

if I wasn't sure that Ricky was gonna get some more?

We'd be stuck.

Well, that's more like it.

Thanks, Lucy.

Yeah. 'Course I'm still stuck for the price...

Shut up!

Lucy...

I'm sorry for what I said.

Oh, honey, that's all right.

I understand. You were just upset.

That feel good, Fred?

Feels fine now.

Lucy...

Huh?

I'll do that.

Hi.

What's that for?

I gambled a lot on the sweetness of your character today, Ricky.

Did you get the tickets for the Mertzes?

Yeah, I got the tickets.

Hooray! You're just wonderful as I thought you were!

Well, I don't know what's going on, but I got the tickets.

Good. Now I'll tell you what I did today.

'Course I couldn't get them compartments as we have.

But, uh, I got them the best thing I could get, you know--

upper berths.

Oh, dear.

Oh, what... "Oh, dear" about what?

You think they'll mind sleeping in an upper berth?

No, but you will.

Me? I won't have to.

Won't you?

No. I have a compartment.

Have you?

Lucy, are you trying to tell me something?

No, I'm trying to keep from telling you something.

Tell what?

Well, the Mertzes said that you wouldn't buy the tickets.

I said you would. We got into a big fat argument,

and... and... oh, dear.

And I... I gave them two of our tickets.

What?!

Well, I didn't know the difference!

They were just tickets.

Well, these are just tickets, too.

So, you take them over there

and get my compartment back.

I can't do that.

Why not?

Well, upper berths...

An upper berth is as good as a back seat.

Well, it'll be different if they...

if they didn't have the tickets already,

but to say, "Here, take these. The good ones are for us."

I can't do that. Look, are you gonna do it,

or you want me to go over there and tell them?

Well, there must be some other way.

All right, I will. I'll explain it to them.

Hi.

You get the tickets?

Yeah.

Ethel...

Oh, Ricky, we ought to be ashamed of ourselves,

and we are.

How could we ever forget

what a wonderful friend we have in you.

Yeah, well, Ethel...

And you treat us like this.

The way you treat yourself and your own family.

Well, you know the way I feel about you.

Oh, Ricky, there's nothing two-faced about you.

No.

Oh, you're just wonderful.

You're...

you're noble.

You know, I was awful upset about those tickets.

Yeah?

I didn't think you were gonna get them.

RICKY: Oh.

I got so mad, I got mad at Lucy rubbing Fred's shoulders.

(chuckling): Oh.

She did. She was so upset, yeah.

(chuckling): Yeah.

Lucy, I'm going to the drugstore. You want anything?

No, thanks, dear.

Fred's taking a nap,

but he'll be in to thank you just as soon as he wakes up.

Lucy...

yeah?

Can I trust you to stay away from my husband?

(guffawing)

Now what are we gonna do?

I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.

You can all take the tickets.

I'll go home on the motorcycle.

Oh, Ricky, now, don't be silly.

Look, go to the phone, see if they had a cancellation.

I was just there a half an hour ago.

Well, lots can happen in 30 minutes.

Yeah, I'll tell you something

that happened in the last 30 minutes:

My stomach is all knotted up.

Well, unknot it and go to the phone.

Go on.

Hello. Give me Union Pacific, please.

How do you like that?

We're stuck being nobble to the Mertzes.

Well, you're the one who was being "nobble."

Ticket agency, please.

Uh, listen, this is Ricky Ricardo.

Yes, Mr. Ricardo, uh, what can I do for you?

Oh, have you had any cancellations for compartments

in th-the dome-liner, city of Los Angeles?

Oh, I'm very sorry, Mr. Ricardo.

The only thing we have left on that train are uppers.

Yeah, well, that's what I was afraid of.

Thank you very much.

If you have any, would you please let me know?

Good-bye.

Nothing.

Yeah...

Hey!

I just realized something.

Fred put those tickets in his wallet

without even looking at them.

He doesn't know whether

they're riding in a compartment or a caboose.

So?

If we could just switch his tickets for these

without his knowing it.

What made you think that he hasn't opened his wallet

and looked at the tickets?

Fred? Open his wallet?

You're right.

He hasn't seen the tickets.

Now, if we could just think of

a sneaky way to make the switch.

Well, that's your department.

You're vice president in charge of sneaky switches.

That's true.

Good luck.

(snoring)

(snoring)

(snorting)

(snorting)

What are you doing?

Uh...

What are you doing?

Now, Ethel, I can explain.

What's going on?

What are you doing?

What's going on?

I, I, uh, I-I got to thinking,

it was sort of our fault that... that Fred's shoulder was hurt,

so I came down to massage it for him.

Does-does that feel all right, Fred?

That feels fine. Thanks.

It should. It was the other shoulder he hurt.

Oh, I... I-I thought maybe the pain traveled over

to the sort of a sympathetic travel over-- no, I guess not.

Well, I'm waiting for an answer.

What was that question again?

What are you doing?

Oh, yeah.

Uh, well, Ethel, I was...

You see, I was just, uh...

Not at first, I wasn't.

But...

there, there's usually...

there comes a time, you know, when...

you're absolutely right.

We'll talk about it on the train.

What happened? You switch the tickets?

Not quite.

What do you mean, "not quite"?

(pounding on door)

Who's that?

Who's what?

ETHEL: Lucy, I want to talk to you!

FRED: Lucy!

The Mertzes!

Don't answer the door. Maybe they'll go away.

What are you talking about?

Lucy, I want to know what you were doing

in our room with your arms around Fred.

So do I.

Oh, no!

Oh, I might as well tell you the whole ugly story.

(Ricky moans)

I-I was trying to... change

the tickets in Fred's wallet for these.

Is that all?

Well, all you had to do was ask.

Well, these are uppers.

Well, that's okay.

Why, sure it is. Here.

Well, gee, thanks, Fred.

You're welcome.

There you are. All that trouble for that?

That's fine, Fred.

Thank you. I'm glad you don't mind.

I didn't know...

Wait a minute!

These tickets are uppers, too.

I know it. We didn't need that expensive compartment,

so I traded it off for two uppers.

Oh... no!

And the difference just paid for the motorcycle.

Asi que de todas maneras

yo estoy comprando motocicleta otra vez.

Yeah, I know it.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Yes! Yes, we'll take it, definitely. Thank you.

They got a cancellation on a compartment.

Oh! Great!

Hey, that must be the compartment

that Fred just turned in.

Yeah, that's right. That's...

How do you like that?

I just bought back my own compartment!

Oh, no!

Oh, honey!

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: The ticket agent was played by Don Brodie.

"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same time.