Original subtitles

We now take you to the tropics,

to the lush and lovely goona-goona islands.

These islands were once known as the

islands,

but that was before the naval reserve

established headquarters here.

At this time of the year in goona-goona,

naval activity is at its peak,

so let's take a peek.

On the other hand, not too much can be said

for the reserve.

We will be like this forever, Frankie, no?

No.

But why not?

Here in goona-goona you have everything, yes?

Oh, yes.

Then you must stay forever, Frankie, no?

= no.

= oh, Frankie...

Only if you consider six weeks forever.

That's how much I've got to go

on my naval reserve hitch.

But after the Navy.

You still have me.

I also have a girl back home.

Is she pretty?

= oh, she's beautiful.

Then she will be making love, too,

just as we are.

= Dee Dee?

=- mmim-hmm.

Certainly not.

She wouldn't be unfaithful.

Why not?

'Cause she's a girl.

You Navy boys have funny idea.

Okay for boy, but not okay for girl.

Here in goona-goona we have better idea.

When you are not with the boy you love,

love the boy you're with.

= not Dee Dee.

She's different.

You mean she wouldn't put her arms

around a boy like this?

Or kiss him like this?

= she wouldn't.

Or would she?

I know a way you can find out.

=I don't think I want to find out.

Come.

Come with me, Frankie.

His name is bwana, best witch doctor in all of goona-goona.

= witch doctor?

= member of ama.

Oh, good.

Well, look, I'm broke.

Is he with blue cross?

He will make terms with you.

Come on.

Nice, huh?

Reminds me of my dentist's office.

Where are all the old magazines?

Bwana!

Sorry.

I was on house call.

Bwana, this is Frankie.

He has a problem.

Name problem.

Well, you see, I have this girl

back in the states and I wanna know if she's true to me.

You come right place.

Khola koku!

Yes, bwana?

Sailor boy need help.

Ya, yal

no, no, not that kind of help.

Bulla bulla, mumbo jumbo,

hanky panky!

Recipe.

Four toad's eyes.

Two turtle tongues.

Gnat's whiskers.

Pinch of rattlesnake fang.

One dozen frog legs.

Uh, no, no, that's tonight's dinner.

Problem all solved.

Get bird's eye view of girl at all times.

Bird's eye view?

How are you gonna get that?

With a bird, of course.

Ya, ya.

How much is this gonna cost?

Name price.

How 'bout, uh...

Three mangoes a day?

= no deal.

Since sailor boys come to island, natives wise up.

Each day you bring one pint torpedo juice.

= you mean alcohol?

Each day you squeeze torpedo good, bring here.

Alright, it's a deal, bwana.

I'll be here every day and get your report.

Supposin' report not so good?

Still want to hear?

Listen, bwana, you call yourself a witch doctor.

Can't you swing out with a spell or something?

Bwana been in business good many years

and maybe lose some power.

But I have daughter in back room

who's best witch on island.

Don't go away.

I help sailor boy.

You try and I'll belt you.

She may be small, but she's wiry.

Watch it!

= voila!

Daughter do it again.

We put out decoy.

Creature so beautiful that no boy will look at your girl.

For a pint of torpedo juice a day

you guarantee your work?

= witch's honor.

And now excuse, please.

I gotta make one more house call.

Wow, dig that wild bikini!

Yeah!

Woo!

= it ain't nothin' without the stuffin'.

How do we stuff it?

Easy, man, you just...

J take a girl with sunlight in her hair j

j and a face that's rare beyond compare j

j and a 36-22-36 that's how you j

j stuff a wild bikini j

j take a girl with eyes as blue as skies j

J and a 36-22-36 that's how you j

j stuff a wild bikini j

J stuff a wild bikini j

j take a girl as lovely as can be j

j any girl will do as long as she j

j is a 36-22-36 that's how you j

j stuff a wild bikini j

j 36-22-36 that's how you j

j stuff a wild bikini j

By George, I think she's got it!

By George, I think ya'll've got it!

Man, is that ever a girl!

I hope she can't swim.

Why?

I'd love to give her artificial respiration.

Hi, fellas.

= hi.

You probably have a name.

They call me Cassandra.

Then that's what I'll call ya.

= brilliant.

It's gonna be a long, hot summer.

Yeah, long for us and hot for her.

Where are you from, Cassandra?

From a long way off and I'm here to have fun

and keep you fellas happy.

Hey, fellas!

Gentlemen!

Hey, boys, how's it hoppin'?

Well, to whom do we owe this pleasure?

My name, gentlemen, is j. Peachmont keane,

but my friends all call me peachy.

What brings you here, peachy?

Well one of the biggest, most important assignments

of my illustrious career: An advertising campaign.

I'm looking for the perfect girl

to go in the perfect bikini along with the perfect boy.

Now, these two will be featured in all of our ads

depicting the new image in motorcycling,

the girl and boy next door ride bikini bikes.

Would you mind repeating that?

= shut up, dum-dum.

And my little peanut, what do they call you?

= peanut.

That's what I get for asking questions.

And you, chickie-baby, what do they call you?

They call me chickie.

How did y'all guess?

= oh, fuss and feathers.

Well, you could be the girl next door,

but I'd need a ladder.

Peachy, I think we have something you'll like.

Fellas, open up.

How about this?

Sweetheart!

You're it!

= oh, I don't think so, sir.

I'm not really what I seem to be.

You're wrong, when peachy raves nobody raps!

Tell 'em, boy!

When peachy runs it up the flagpole,

everybody salutes and I quote him.

Are you all right?

You're gorgeous.

Beautiful, maybe, but not gorgeous.

Suddenly I'm forgetting why I'm here.

I'll clue you, you're here to keep us happy.

= yeah!

= no.

I'm here to keep him happy.

Uh, you move too fast for me.

More fun the hard way.

That boy's sick.

Well, dear, we'll put this on the train to Atlanta

and see if it whistles Dixie.

Hold it still.

Ha, we've done it again!

What's wrong with her?

Ah, she's all right.

But when I saw you sitting over here by yourself,

I felt something happening in here.

Have you tried fizzerin'?

You think I'm kidding?

I'm not thinking about it one way or the other.

What's your name?

Dolores, but my friends call me Dee Dee.

All right, Dee Dee, let's talk about us.

= you can call me Dolores.

All right, Dolores, let's talk about us.

Uh, let's first of all, for example, this suit.

It's not the real me.

I'm afraid you're barking up the wrong girl.

I have a fella.

= oh?

Where is he?

He's in the south pacific, the naval reserves.

Look, you've got a guy on a tropical island.

You think that's a monastery or something?

Is uh, is that your bird?

= no.

What Frankie does is his business.

I have my own principles and I have to live with them.

I hope you carry an oxygen mask.

You live pretty high up.

Why, b.D.'Ll go out of his cotton-pickin'!

Who's b.D.?

B.d. Mcpherson, my boss, why, he'll flip.

I'm sorry, no, peachy.

I don't really...

What do you mean, "no, peachy," you...

I think she's right, peachy.

How about me?

How about me?

How about me?

J if you're looking for girls who are pretty

j hey why all the fuss j

j quit your lookin' you're in the right city j

j hey now how about us j

j we got charm we got looks j

j we got brains we read books j

j we're the chicks who know all the tricks j

j hey now how about us j

Hey, chickie-babies, over here!

J if you're lookin' for someone who's thrilling j

j we are girls you can trust j

j you see we can be ready and willing j

j hey now how about us j

j we got charm we got class j

j we got brains we think fast j

j we're the chicks who know all the tricks j

j hey now how about us j

J now when I say that I think you'll do nicely j

j I mean what I say j

j it's just that well that I mean precisely j

j she's my choice for today j

j she's got special appeal j

j she's just right for big deal j

j we're the chicks who know all the tricks j

j hey now how about us j

j it's her I prefer j

j hey now how about us j

j it's gotta be her j

j hey now how about us j

you're wild, chickie-babies, wild!

But she is the wildest!

I won't stop trying.

I'd hate you if you did.

You know something?

I don't think your bird likes me either.

Here's my card here, chickie-baby.

Be at the office at 2:00 tomorrow.

B.d. Is winging in himself from the big town

for confabs with the ad-toppers.

But really, Mr. keane, I couldn't.

Wait a minute, what do you mean you couldn't?

A nationwide tour with Ricky here?

I couldn't very well pass that up, could 1?

In the smaller towns you might come in handy.

Then it's a date, 2:00 tomorrow!

Oh, boy, this is bigger than cellophane!

B.d.'ll go ape!

Bye!

Either they're strangers here or I am.

Wherever you are, boney, you're a stranger.

Come on.

Hello, how are you?

Jolly good, thank you.

Hey, you're english!

= quite.

My name's Cynthia.

I'm Johnny and this is bonehead.

Accent on the first syllable.

How do you do?

I'd like you to meet some friends.

This is Maria from Italy.

And this is hilda from Germany.

She's from Dusseldorf.

Mighty pretty country around there.

= gesundheit.

How come the united nations meeting at the beach?

= we heard so much about America

and the girls on the beach we decided to investigate.

Any time you wanna investigate the boys...

Hi, there!

Y'all must be new hereabouts.

Oh, where are you from?

I'm from Georgia, that's in the south.

Of what country?

Well, there she is, gentlemen.

Now, I want you to tell me one and all

just exactly what you all think.

=I can't wait for b.D.'S reaction.

Why, when big deal mcpherson sees this

his gourd will come unglued!

Ah!

Good morning, b.D.!

Good morning, peachy, sweetheart.

How are you?

Good morning, fine.

Never better.

Now, b.D., what do you think of this?

=- hmm.

What do you boys think?

Well, I think it's um...

You're absolutely right.

Good thinking.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

It's always nice to have a consensus like that.

Personally, I've run it up the flagpole

peachy, you've done it again.

Thanks, b.D.

This is gonna be one of my big ones.

- You're right, b.D. - You're right.

Peachy, I want you to sign up that girl immediately.

Tut, tut, tut, b.D.

I've signed her already!

I might have known, sweetheart.

J when it comes to great j

j I'm the one who'll state j

j I'm simply mad about you dad j

j simply mad about you dad j

j he's the greatest on mad Avenue j

j Madison ave that ad man Avenue j

j he's the greatest on Madison Avenue j

j mmm. Jd

wonderful, sweetheart, just wonderful.

Hello?

CBS?

Exclusively, sweetheart.

Hello?

Nbc?

Yours alone, baby.

Hello.

Abc?

You've got it, chickie-baby.

J he's the one you see j

j who can tell TV.

J just how TV ought to be j

j just how TV ought to be j

j he's the greatest on mad Avenue j

j Madison ave that ad man Avenue j

j he's the greatest on Madison Avenue j

j mmm. Jd

beautiful, baby, just beautiful.

You ever get the feeling three is a crowd?

Sometimes it's a nice, safe feeling.

= yeah.

You know, I'm glad you changed your mind

about our date tonight.

= I'm faithful, not dead.

= there's a difference?

= there's a difference.

Tell me what that was all about yesterday.

Well, I'm part of a campaign

to change the image for the motorcycle rider.

You're kidding!

What's funny?

What's with this crazy bird?

I'm beginning to wonder myself.

= hi, Johnny!

Operation Cassandra.

Operation Cassandra.

Operation Cassandra, come on.

Ready, fellas?

Ready!

J with a face like that j

j and eyes like those j

j up from the top of your head j

j to the tip of your toes j

j I'll tell the world that's what I call a healthy girl &

j with a smile like that j

j and lips like those j

j and the cute little way j

j that you wrinkle up your nose j

j I'll tell the world that's what I call a healthy girl &

j you don't need money j

j to be rich honey j

j I'd say you're wealthy j

j when you're that healthy j

j with a charm like that j

j in times like these j

j you could be a star j

j babyon TV /.

J I'll tell the world that's what I call a healthy girl &

Hey, that bird's got a crazy beat.

J you don't need money j

j you'll be rich honey j

j I'd say you're wealthy j

j when you're that healthy j

j oh with a charm like that j

why don't you join the mob?

Oh, I'm not much of a joiner.

Not when you're around.

You see, I get this feeling.

O [aleartlourme?

= yeah.

J I'll tell the world that's what I call a healthy girl &

j I'll tell the world that's what I call a healthy girl &

Hey, fella, have you seen a girl in a leopard bikini?

Certainly not!

Hey, girls!

Have you seen Cassandra?

See that group of panting hyenas over there?

Yes.

Well, drive a path right up the middle

and you'll find Cassandra.

=I should've known.

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen!

Please, look, step aside, will you, please?

Get back, please!

Ah, come on!

Please, just one!

Fellas, will you be quiet, please?

You bother her!

How did you know?

I got an a in biology.

Bye.

Well, what's he want her for?

Now, that's really a stupid question.

= thanks.

Well, I guess she's gonna be it.

It?

My partner in the campaign.

I wish it was gonna be you.

= no chance.

Look, there's gonna be a cross-country bike race,

the boy and girl next door against the field.

It'll be a ball.

No, thanks.

Maybe that's why I like you so much.

You don't tempt easy.

Let's take a walk.

Okay.

Why are you so sure you don't want

to be the girl next door?

I am the girl next door and I'm not moving.

It's fun, bike riding.

Let me show you.

Okay, that seems fair.

Tomorrow I'll take you for a ride.

You'll be surprised.

=I don't think so.

I have a simple theory.

If you're not with the girl that you love,

love the girl that you're with.

Whee!

It's wild, I had no idea.

Told ya you'd be surprised.

I have a surprise for you.

I'd like to ride with you in the cross-country race.

Let's go back, I don't want to press my luck.

You come for daily report on Dee Dee?

You bring torpedo juice?

= yeah.

Good batch today.

Tell sailor boy Dee Dee teetering.

=I wish I could tell him she tottered.

Teetered, tottered, don't punch up the information.

Dee Dee safe.

Bird watch her like hawk.

What about decoy?

Daughter blew it with decoy.

Mix up important ingredients.

Use one ounce dove blood instead of one ounce gazelle blood.

Dove blood make love, gazelle blood make graceful.

Boy come along, jar her giblets, now all we have

is lovesick stumblebum.

And that's all the plot you're gonna get out of me.

Right in here to my office, my dear Cassandra.

Behind the desk over here, darling.

There we are.

And then we're going to sign the contract.

Sign the contract, that's what we're going to do.

Here it is.

Look at that.

And uh, oh, you haven't even signed it yet, excuse me.

Here we are.

Right there on the dotted line if you will.

Ah!

No reading, just sign it.

There we are.

What's the matter, dear, huh?

There doesn't seem to be any ink in this thing.

Well, that doesn't...

= oh, I'm sorry!

Oh, that's quite all right, my dear, just a little.

It could happen to anybody.

Quite all right, just point it the other way, dear.

Mr. keane, I'm really...

Here, look, don't worry about it,

it could happen to anybody.

Just refill the pen, dear.

Let me sit over here and dry it out, that's all.

I just feel terrible!

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

But you didn't give me a chance to explain.

You see, I'm not like other girls.

You see, I'm sort of clumsy.

I'm beginning to discover that.

Why don't you just run along, Cassandra?

Oh, what about the contract?

Oh, no, later, later, later, dear.

Yes, peachy has a little thinking to do now.

Here's your pen.

No, keep it, you may want to spot somebody else.

Thanks, peachy.

Yes, thank you.

Hello, b.D.?

About this girl, Cassandra.

She's the greatest.

Nothing but raves.

You've really zeroed in on this, peachy, baby.

Now, look, b.D., I was just thinking.

I do the thinking for this organization.

Check?

= check.

Uh, I mean, check, chief.

I'm running right beside you all the way

on this, peachy, baby.

Are you with me?

Yes, I...

I'm with you, chief, all the way.

You oughta be in pictures, baby.

What would I do in pictures?

No, not you, peachy.

You just don't let that girl out of your sight

and that's all you've got to do.

Righto, chief.

Bye.

That's all, honey, thanks.

Peachy, on this new account...

I tossed it off the bridge and it bounces.

Well, that's great, b.D.

I uh, want the benefit of your thinking on this.

I think.

Well, anything you think is aces with me, b.D. You know?

What's the matter, is something wrong?

No, it's nothing.

You looking for something?

Oh, not a thing, not a thing, b.D.

What am I looking for?

It's nothing.

Nothing at all, b.D.

Nothing.

I like you better this way.

= oh, I told you that derby and gray flannel suit

wasn't the real me.

I'm glad.

It's good chicken.

Fried it myself, me and the colonel.

Say, maybe if we give your bird some it'll fly away.

He's beginning to bother me, too.

Here you are, boss.

Not me, him, him!

Terribly spiffing, don't you know?

That's a funny game.

Yeah, cycles is better.

Them beach bums is back

and this time they gotta go!

Right?

Right!

Whoa, only not all of them gotta go.

Well, here we are at the beach,

the solution to all of our problems.

Come along, my dear!

Woo!

Woo-hoo!

The glasses!

Why me?

Why me all the time?

Fix 'em, fix 'em!

Ah!

She's nifty, right?

Right!

Here we go again.

He adores her.

=I think I adore her.

That girl, she's my kind of people.

Yeah, boss, looks like you two were made for each other.

= yeah.

Listen, j.D., you and puss find out

who the little guy is with the funny hat and the girl.

Find out who they are and what they do, right?

Okay.

Turn 'em over!

Let's get outta here!

= no, I'm all right, I think, yeah.

You all right?

Oh, sure, sure, one of us is all right, I think.

See, I have a problem.

= yeah.

You have a problem?

You oughta know about my problem.

Now, listen, everybody, Cassandra here lacks something,

even though it might not show.

Now, I thought that maybe you being young and athletic,

you might help, you understand?

Well, sure we can.

Right, gang?

Anything for you, peachy.

Sounds like a full-time job and I'm full-time.

Come on, Cassandra, first we'll teach you how to surf.

That sounds marvy!

Come on.

Yeah, that sounds peachy.

You can use this one, Cassandra!

Oh, thank you!

Oh, I'm so sorry!

Oh, that's all right, it happens all the time.

= Cassandra!

Yes?

Oh!

Ow!

= oh, Mr. keane!

Sorry, I guess I'm just hopeless.

Well, what makes you so hopeless?

I don't know, I think it has something to do with boys,

they make me nervous.

They make you nervous?

Look, girls, girls, you're looking at a man

with a tremendous problem.

Look, Cassandra, couldn't you help

to make her more like you so that,

I mean, you know, make her so that she uh...

Well, could you give me some help?

= no chance.

If Cassandra is clumsy, let's keep her that way.

Come on, let's go see.

Hey, what about him?

Oh, he'll be all right, she hit him in the head!

Look, girls, you gotta help me.

You're looking at a desperate man.

You're being shortsighted, animal.

Mr. keane wants to take Cassandra on a nationwide tour

for an ad campaign.

Yes!

Oh, well, in that case we'll help you.

Uh, no offense, Cassandra.

I'll help, too, it'll give me something to occupy my time.

= thanks a bunch.

I could be kidding.

= I'll buy that.

For now.

Hey, stupid, what does this one say?

It says uh, Jay-peachmont-kee-anie.

Uh, that's the guy.

Come on, let's go.

Uh, just a minute, gentlemen!

Ladies, you have to have an appointment!

My idol.

Me?

Not you, her!

That's what I've come to talk to you about.

I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Keane, I tried to stop...

It's quite all right, miss Simms.

Don't you believe in knocking?

You wanna know why I come here?

= no.

I'm glad you asked that question.

'Cause when that girl goes on tour

as America's ideal youth...

Yes?

I, Eric Von zipper, am going with her.

= oh.

Oh, that's wonderful, yeah.

You see, she is my idol, but I am my ideal.

= uh-huh.

= and when I win the cycle cross-country race,

I will then have a new uh...

Image.

Right!

I will then be America's ideal.

I will be the boy next door.

Next door to San Quentin!

= tell him.

J he's the boy the voters should carry j

j the kind of boy your sister should marry j

j he's the ideal healthy red blooded all American j

j boy next door j

j that's me I'm the boy next door j

j he's kind to small animals j

j and what's more j

j and little old ladies j

j you'll adore j

j he never says Hades j

j the boy next door j

j never be afraid j

j he's just the boy you can trust with your sister j

j the kind of boy who'd tell if he'd kissed her j

j he's the ideal healthy red-blooded all American j

j boy next door j

J he's the boy the voters should carry j

j the kind of boy your sister should marry j

j he's the ideal healthy red-blooded all American j

j boy next door j

you can say that again.

J he's the boy next door j

j 1 never do dirty deeds j

j and what's more j

j or Halloween capers j

j you'll adore j

j I'm a idol teenager j

j the boy next door j

j such a keen neighbor j

j I'm the boy the voters should carry j

j the kind of boy your sister should marry j

j I'm the ideal healthy red-blooded all American j

j boy next door j

j I'm the ideal healthy red-blooded all American j

j boy next j

Just keep it balanced.

That's beautiful!

Now turn around and try it again.

Hey, great!

How come a girl who looks like that

has to have coordination, too?

I don't know, I guess it's just a little

added something for the girl who has everything.

Well, how's our girl doing?

To quote you, peachy, perfect.

We've put her out to sea and she floats.

= oh, she's adorable.

Here, dear, let me have that piece of wood,

will you, please?

= oh!

= oh.

Look, come with me and walk carefully.

The life you save may be mine.

I really don't know much about myself.

Maybe I don't have a background.

No, but you have, my dear, I assure you.

The first thing I remember about me

is there on that beach when the boys

came running toward me.

Did you fall on that occasion?

= oh, no, I couldn't.

Now we're getting somewhere.

Why couldn't you fall?

You should see these boys.

When they crowd around you, they crowd.

Young lady, yours is a simple case of male-ophobia.

Fear of the opposite sex.

Oh, well, doctor, can it possibly be cured?

= of course.

The cure is as simple as the disease.

Would you stand up, please?

Not you, sir, the patient.

Say to yourself I am a normal girl.

I'm a normal girl.

And I want you to regard me as a normal boy.

You're a normal boy.

Now, I'm going to come to you, shake your hand,

tell you goodbye, and your troubles are over.

Right?

That's perfect.

Dee Dee, two to one right now Frankie's

swinging way out with some native chick.

Ah, shut up!

I told you, Ricky, I don't care what Frankie's doing.

Look, Dee Dee, you can't stay a brownie all your life.

It's pitch time again.

It's time you started acting your age.

The best I can do right now, Rick, is a firm maybe.

Oh, now, be very careful of these stairs, my dear.

Very careful now.

Good, good.

Marvelous.

And now here are the kingsmen.

J people say boy you don't know how to live j

j the only thing you do in life is take and not give j

j you gotta have work to make your life worthwhile j

j just find a little girl who's nothing but wild j

j and give her lovin' jl

now, remember what the doctor said.

You're supposed to mix with these boys around here.

Here comes a reasonable facsimile.

How do you do, young man?

Miss Cassandra, ma'am, would you care

to trip the light fantastic with old bonehead?

By all means.

= I meant her!

So did I!

Go ahead, Cassandra, dance with this young gentleman.

Go ahead.

That's it.

J had a little girl to give my love to j

j how happy could I be when I got nothing to do j

I have to warn you about something, bonehead.

Too late to warn me about you.

I'm already sunk.

J as long as I may live j

j because I found what it's like to give j

care to try again?

Yeah, again and again and again.

J work it out baby

j oh come up one more time yeah j

j I knew that I'd missed something right from the start j

j I had a bad empty feeling deep in my heart j

j I found a little girl to give my love to j

j how happy can I be when I got nothing to do

j but give her lovin' j

j give her lovin' from the bottom of my heart j

j give her lovin' yeah j

j give her lovin' from the very start j

j give her lovin' yeah yes yes yeah yeah j

j I found what it's like to give j

And now for a big surprise.

It's a big surprise to Dee Dee,

who doesn't know she's going to sing.

How about it, Dee Dee?

Say yes, I'd like to hear how it sounds for once.

J you better be ready when love comes swingin' along j

j you better know the words to that familiar old song j

j words that say till the end of time j

j I'll be his and he'll be mine j

j you better be ready when love comes swingin' along j

j you better be ready when the bells start ringing j

j you better be ready when love come singing j

j words that say till the end of time j

j I'll be his and he'll be mine j

j you better be ready when love comes swingin' along j

j you better be ready when j

j the bells start ringing out strong j

j never be the one to ever let a love go wrong j

j when that true love comes your way j

j just be sure that it's here to stay j

j you better be ready when love comes swingin' j

j better be ready when bells start ringin' j

j better be ready when love comes swingin' along j

Hey, she's great!

My idol!

The boy next door just dropped in.

She is my idol, right?

Right!

Madame, it would give me great pleasure

to give you the pleasure of having this here dance with me.

Cassandra, the doctor wanted you to mix with the boys.

And I am the boy next door.

That's where I wished you were, next door, that is.

Music!

Music!

Whoa!

Ah!

Stop the music!

Stop the music!

Uh, that's enough for the first time.

It's funny, when I dance with boys I usually stumble,

but with you it's different.

Yeah, well, I'm different.

I'd worry about that, boss.

Eric Von zipper never worries!

Peachy, I was perfect!

Yes, you were wonderful.

Thanks to Eric Von zipper.

And now I'm gonna let you ride with me partner

in the cycle criss-cross-country race.

= you're a little late.

She rides with Ricky.

She don't ride with nobody but me.

The hat, get the hat!

Strange fellow.

= you I don't like.

You he don't like.

And when Eric Von zipper don't like somebody,

they stay don't liked.

In fact, I'm thinking of giving you the cyclist's curse.

= what is all this?

= the carbon monoxide commandos.

Stand up.

Grab my wrist.

Don't do it, boss!

Now, you try to stop me.

And boy, you won't be able to,

'cause Eric Von zipper has muscles of steel from cycling.

Now, I'm just gonna point this finger at your temple

and I'm gonna give you a...

My money's on you, Rick!

=- huh?

= like this?

The boss done it again.

Gave himself the finger.

Let's get him outta here.

Now, he's fragile, don't break him!

Come on, you guys.

Eric Von zipper will return!

What was that all about?

It's a long story.

Uh, maybe if I gave you the cyclist's curse

maybe then you'd uh...

= I'm not that much of a brownie, Rick.

Okay, prove it.

How?

Well, there's a moon out there and a beach

and the ocean, but you know what's not out there?

Us.

Why don't you try asking?

Consider yourself asked.

= watch his head.

Go through this way.

Oh, he's really out this time.

Go this way.

Let's put him on top of the table.

= yeah.

Tilt, why, it's always tilt!

Hey, say that again!

= tilt!

= it worked!

Where am I?

I'm glad I asked that question 'cause

now I know where I am.

Hey, where's south Dakota slim,

the guy that's always around here?

=I drummed him out.

Yeah, who are you?

I'm slim's mean brother, north Dakota Pete.

There ain't nobody meaner than old slim.

Nah, he doesn't even like me, he was that mean!

In our family we call slim baby Alice.

He was the sissy of the family.

What's slim doing now?

He's a social director at a suicide club.

That sounds pretty mean.

= you think that's mean?

When I was a kid in school you know what I

used to do to the little girl sitting in front of me?

Sure, you used to take their pigtails

and stick 'em in the inkwell.

= uh-uh.

I used to stick the whole girl in the inkwell.

= that is mean.

Yeah, it ain't nice.

Hey, you wanna play me one for pin money?

= nah.

Nah, I'm too mad, I don't want to.

Ah, what's bugging you, bubby?

That fancy cycle fellow made him give himself the finger.

Oh, you want this bubby taken care of?

= you would do that for me?

Old Pete's got ideas.

Those that ain't vile are foul.

Ah, we've really got it made.

The moon, the stars, the ocean, you and I.

There's just one thing missing.

And by happy coincidence, this is my pad right here.

Well, you can't beat that for luck.

= care to see it?

Why not?

I've never been to Japan before.

Old Japanese custom for modern Japanese house.

Shall we?

Wow, it's colorful.

You really have brought a bit of the orient

to the shores of Malibu.

Well, it's humble, but I call it home.

Upstairs for living.

Downstairs for really living.

You must do very well here.

= you said it.

Uh, I mean, er, you said it, I didn't.

Uh.

Like it?

That's the kind of music a girl should run from.

But I'm staying, strike one on me.

= care for a drink?

Coke if you have it.

Strike one on me.

Uh, we uh...

We may as well be comfortable.

Ah!

You have everything here but food to take out.

Wait'll you read your fortune cookie, it's rigged.

You got good news for me today, bwana, baby?

Call me by my full name, bwana chickie-baby.

Sorry.

= khola koku!

Yes, master?

Stir.

Stop.

Stand back.

Torpedo juice real witches brew.

Dee Dee!

Uh-oh, looks bad.

To the night and the music and us.

Point killer!

Why don't you throw him a fish,

maybe he'll go away.

Very funny, but I'll throw him something.

Rick, don't!

That's not nice, it's just a poor, helpless pelican.

You sure this isn't your bird?

= brownie's honor.

How'd you get in here?

This place is sealed and soundproofed.

Birdie, birdie, come on.

Fly away, birdie.

Birdie, nice birdie.

Birdie bird, come on, come!

You dirty bird, fly!

Fish, you said, I'll give him a fish.

Well, now that takes care of that.

Now, where...

Hey, uh, where are you going?

Home.

The pelican changed my mind.

That dirty bird.

You uh, forgot your shoes.

= I'll pick them up in the morning,

in broad daylight!

The whole crazy evening shot,

not to mention a can of imported sardines.

Dee Dee almost goofed.

Oh, goodie!

But not quite.

Bird save day.

= oh, pooh!

Want a slug of torpedo juice?

= me khola koku.

Me good girl.

Oh, a little slug won't mean anything.

Ah!

Me tondalayo.

Me bad girl!

We're gonna have to get this show on the road,

otherwise my name isn't big deal mcpherson.

Yes, b.D.

You signed the girl, I didn't.

Remember that.

That's right, I signed her, b.D., that's right.

And we're not gonna let this fall through, are we?

Yes, sir.

I mean, no, no, sir.

If this Von zipper character is the only boy

that Cassandra does relate to,

then we've got to change his image.

What?

You're gonna have to change his image

or I'm gonna run you up the flagpole at half mast.

And don't you forget it!

Yes, sir.

Yes, b.D.

"And don't believe the junk you hear

"about tropical islands.

"Li think they took all the girls off

"when they moved the Navy in.

"Not that that would make any difference to me,

"because there's only one girl in my life."

Aww.

We oughta change your name to lucky.

Yeah. = yeah!

J the perfect boy doesn't have to be a Hercules j

j Hercules j

j the perfect boy doesn't have to be euripides j

j euripides j

j brawn or brain he doesn't need to be

j what I mean to say is actually j

j the perfect boy only has to be [j

j just true to me j

j the perfect boy doesn't have to be a movie star j

j movie star j

j the perfect boy doesn't have to drive a fancy car j

j fancy car j

j fame nor wealth he doesn't need you see j

j what I mean to say is actually j

j the perfect boy only has to be [j

j faithful true and faithful to me j

Hi, animal!

Come over here, I've got another tune you should hear.

= oh.

See you later, girls.

- Bye! - Bye-bye!

You're not going to like this,

but not knowing would be worse.

It's a letter Frankie sent to Mike

and it's quite a different tune.

"The girl shortage here is terrible.

"Imagine only six girls to every guy.

"Il personally have four gorgeous native girls

"working for me in my hut.

"One cooks, one sews, and one does the laundry.”

That's only three.

That's right.

= men!

They're all beasts!

Yeah, and isn't it wonderful?

Look, Dee Dee, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

You're absolutely right, animal,

and I'm not gonna cook, sew, or do the laundry!

What are you doing here?

Well, I should ask you the same question.

I was here first.

About this girl...

Dee Dee, I can explain.

Don't bother, you men are all alike.

Look, I can't spend all my life chasing you around.

Speaking of chasing...

No, no, no, no, Dee Dee, no!

No violence now!

Now, look, Michelle, you run along and

I'll talk to you later and uh...

What's this all about?

I changed my mind.

Have my kimono ready at seven!

I say she makes it.

I say she don't.

Alright, put your knife where your mouth is.

= so what's the matter?

Can't a fella improve his image now and then?

Hey, why ain't you,

aren't you out destroying that Ricky fella?

Old Pete strikes at night.

Ow!

Hey, boss, what happened?

I added to my image.

I am not only the boy next door,

but I am the typical young businessman on his way up!

On his way out!

The king is dead, we ain't got no leader no more, right?

Right!

Hey!

Hey!

Wait a minute!

I am still your leader and I'll tell you why.

J if there's an image to preserve j

j the right to that image I reserve j

j and so let's go j

j follow your leader j

j what is this new deal

j follow your leader j

j boss are you for real j

j ain't it nice ain't it sweet j

j I'm dressed square but it's so neat

j follow our leader j

j ohl am my ideal j

j now that you all have seen the light j

j now you must change is that not right

j right right j

j and so let's go j

j follow your leader j

j he's got new appeal j

j follow your leader j

j nifty's how we feel j

j nifty's not my word no more j

j I prefer je t'adore j

j follow our leader j

j ohl am my ideal j

J follow your leader j

j he is his ideal j

j follow your leader j

j he's too much we feel j

j ain't it great ain't it grand j

j I feel like a brand new man j

j follow our leader j

j follow your leader j

j I am my ideal j j he is his ideal j

right?

Right!

Why me?

Why me all the time?

Bring?

Brung.

White man make heap good firewater.

Get me, and I'm not even an Indian.

What's the news today, bwana?

Brew all mixed up heap crazy.

I go see daughter.

News bad.

Dee Dee very shaky.

Ready to make plunge.

Best news I've had in weeks!

It's really that bad?

=- mmim-hmm.

You sure bwana wasn't full of torpedo juice?

Only one swallow.

Face it, Frankie, you've only got a week left

of your reserve.

It looks as though Dee Dee doesn't have any left of hers.

You can't say that about her.

=I didn't.

It came straight from bwana's daughter.

What am I gonna do?

Here I am, stuck out here.

= with me.

With you.

Well.

It's better than a kick in the head, bubby.

Now, where were we when I was so rudely interrupted

by that big, big point killer last night?

Just about right here.

J here we are the two of us j

j with your lips close to mine j

j if it's gonna happen j

j your lips will do just fine j

j here we are alone at last j

j with your hands holding mine j

j if it's gonna happen j

j your hands will do just fine j

j maybe the dream that I dreamed of j

j didn't quite come true j

j but baby if I'm falling in love j

j I'm glad that it's with you j

j here we are the two of us j

j now this must be the time j

j if it's gonna happen j

j we're gonna do just fine j

j if it's gonna happen j

j we're gonna do just fine j

Wanna buy a brownie outfit cheap?

Old Pete's got you, bubby!

What are you gonna do with me?

= this!

Come on, fight fair!

Ah, that's the name of the game, huh?

= oh!

Thanks, bubby!

Ricky, I'm sorry!

That's all right.

I guess this just isn't my night.

Oh, don't worry, there'll be other nights.

I hope so.

I want to congratulate you, peachy.

You've taken this cross-country race thing

off the launching pad, right into orbit.

It's celestial.

Thanks, b.D.!

You know, our boy Ricky wouldn't have stood a chance

against a pro like Von zipper.

On the other hand, we'd have been sunk

if a leather jacket had won it.

That's why I had to change Von zipper's image.

He's the perfect winner image now

because his image is just like yours.

That's the kind of image I like,

clean-cut, American, a born winner,

no matter what you have to do to win.

But what if Von zipper doesn't win?

Well, there's not a chance he won't win.

I've got a little insurance policy going for us.

You know, a little uh, connivery.

I knew you were my kind of an ad man

the minute you stole your first account

from those thieves at b, v, d, and u.

Thanks, b.D.

Well, I must be off.

Here's one of them road forks

with a sign saying turn right.

Now, old Pete's painted the backside of that sign,

so when Ricky comes along, one of you bubbies twists it

and it reads turn left.

Right?

Right!

Over here there's a ditch that I covered over

with straw and dirt and when Ricky hits it,

down he goes.

Well, what if he gets out?

You're interrupting old Pete.

I got a tiger tied up down there.

There'll be a tiger in his tank, bubby.

= but what about Dee Dee?

She'll be riding with Ricky.

I don't like the idea of a girl being eaten by a tiger.

Me neither, it ain't nice.

Don't worry, ladies, this tiger only likes boys.

Here's a tripwire.

Here's a smokescreen, an oil slick, a fake bridge,

and over here, a large painting,

a farmer and a horse drawn cart

pulling a load of hay across the road.

Oh, a painted Muriel!

Yeah, painted on paper and Ricky goes around it

and Von zipper through it.

Now, let's see, did I forget anything?

Oh, yeah.

That looks like a road, right?

Right!

= it ain't.

That's a barn with the road painted on it.

And when Ricky hits it,

goodbye, farewell!

And then our leader, Eric Von zipper, wins the race!

You just ain't whistlin' Dixie.

Now, anybody else got any ideas?

Yeah, how 'bout we just shoot this fellow, Ricky?

Old Pete don't like that idea, bubby.

That's illegal.

= oh.

Uh, say that again.

Now, look, I'm gonna say it one more time.

Now, I want you to listen!

Now, when you get to the ditch,

the ditch, you understand me?

The ditch that's covered with straw.

Ditch covered with straw, what is it you do?

I cross that bridge when I come to it!

No, no, no, you don't!

You go around it.

I go around it.

Right.

Otherwise, you're down in the pit

without a pendulum.

Now, listen to me.

Now, what about the road signs?

I change them!

No, no, you don't change the road signs!

No, j.D. And the rats change those.

And Rick, he goes the wrong way and

you go the right way, you understand?

You go the right way, right?

Right!

Right.

Now.

Now, what is it you do when you get to this road?

= oh, that looks like a shortcut.

I'll take it!

Ah!

It ain't no shortcut, it's a barn, bubby!

It's a barn, bubby.

Right.

= oh, then I won't take it.

Good thinking, boss.

Oh, that's my new image.

Thanks to you, peachmont.

My name is peachy.

Just so your new image don't fall down into no traps,

old Pete's got something else.

We're gonna have walkie talkies all around,

just to keep you reminded.

And then you're gonna have a little receiver

inside your helmet where your brain's supposed to be.

You know, for a lowdown, good for nothing louse,

he's a very nice fella.

He...

= thanks.

Remember, I've got everything on the line

for Von zipper to win.

He'll win, chief, you have my word.

If he doesn't, I'll have your key

to the executive washroom.

Just hang on.

= who said blondes have all the fun?

Hold me a little tighter!

Only don't tickle!

Oh!

Are you ready?

Number 14, are you ready?

111, you ready?

Hey, bubby, here's a fiver if you

aim that derringer at old Ricky over there.

Well, wouldn't be ethical.

You keep your ethicals, I'll keep my five.

Alright!

Ricky, look out!

Look!

= oh!

Don't worry, it's a fake made out of paper!

Pete told me all about it!

Oh!

Ah, stop!

Ooh!

Ah!

Watch out for the oil slick, boss.

Watch out for the oil sick, boss.

= don't talk nuts to me!

Can't you see I'm busy?

I didn't say anything!

Okay, but don't do it no more.

Ah!

Just hang on!

Shoo, pussycat.

Shoo.

Shoo.

That's what I call a insult.

Hmm!

Charge!

Hey, come back with that bike!

Where are you going?

I'm the driver!

You come back with that bike!

Wait for me!

Why me?

Why me all the time?

Charge!

= oh, no!

Let me out of here!

Oh, help!

= look out!

Hang on, we're going up a hill!

Number 13, the winner!

Mr. Eric Von zipper and miss Cassandra.

We now declare them the boy and girl next door.

Oh, wait, no.

=- huh?

This disqualifies Von zipper.

Wait a minute, what you do mean

that disqualifies Von zipper?

What do you mean?

= he didn't drive across the finish line.

= he didn't?

Ah!

Ah, Dee Dee and Ricky, the new boy and girl next door.

And you're the boy from nowhere.

Wait a minute.

She is the girl next door.

Congratulations, I'm big deal mcpherson

and I'm running the tour you're going on.

Because you are the girl next door!

I knew that you'd love her, b.D.,

just a little added surprise.

=I wish she were.

I mean the girl next door to me.

If I go on the tour with you, Rick,

isn't that close enough?

= I'll settle for that.

Sorry, boss.

Oh, we done our best, bubby.

Ah, forget about it.

And don't feel too bad about this, young lady,

because you're gonna go a long ways.

Farther than you think.

Only I ain't gonna go with ya, 'cause...

= that's what I meant.

Well, 'cause I'm giving up my new image

and I'm going back to my old image.

Right?

Right!

The old way was better, right?

Right!

See, I am my ideal, but the rats are my idols.

Right?

Right!

I'm going back to being the rat next door.

Right?

Right!

Let's go!

I want you to see...

J after the party when the crowd starts to go

j after the party when the lights are down low j

j that's when I'll hold you just like I told you j

j that's when I'll tell you I love you so j

j after the party while the night is still new j

j after the party when the dancing is through j

j dreams we will borrow for our tomorrow j

j after the party I'll still love you j

Oh, it's gonna be wonderful, Rick.

Going to be?

It is right now.

No, I'm talking about the tour

and what happens before that.

What happens before that?

We get married.

We get...

You mean uh, both of us, to each other?

You mean that?

Well, it's more fun that way.

= yeah.

J when the dancing is through j

j dreams we will borrow j

I was only testing you, Rick.

One of us isn't the marrying kind, you.

But what about you?

I'm still waiting for Frankie.

But what are you waiting for?

J after the party j

= thanks.

J while the night is still new j

bye bye, birdie.

J after the party when the dancing is through j

j dreams we will borrow for our tomorrow j

j after the party j

Where's native girl?

She prettier.

Native girl come no more.

My hitch is over and I'm going home.

From now on you can squeeze your own torpedo juice.

= khola koku!

Squeeze.

Not him!

Squeeze torpedo.

Listen, bwana, I need a favor.

It's an eight day boat ride back home

and I can't wait.

Can you fix me up so that I can get to the beach

where Dee Dee is like, right now?

= too late.

Witches supermarket closed.

Can't get ingredients for brew.

I can't even get my decoy back.

I think I'll leave her there.

Maybe you'll like her.

But I have a girl.

Can't you help me?

Tell daughter to come here.

Daughter is a real pro.

They call her the witch's witch.

Frankie here wants to get back to beach

where Dee Dee is like, right now.

Daughter, you good kid.

= quiet!

Nobody likes a big mouth pelican.

Why are you always hanging around, anyway?

Because I love you.

= Frankie!

The bird's gone and you're here!

How?

It's magic.

It is magic, that's for sure.

J after the party while the night is still new j

j after the party when the dancing is through j

well, what do you know?

This is my pad right here.

= you can't beat that for luck.

Ah, care to see it?

Why not?

I've never been to Japan before.

= yeah.

J after the party j

a touch of the orient.

J I'll still love j

now, my...

Oh, it's been a tough week.