Original subtitles

Jamie Lapidus gave me a hand-job during the show last night.

I had to tell you.

JAMIE: I hope this is okay.

I was just on the lot dropping something off at Merc's.

(JAMIE MOANING)

So, how did Sean like the watch?

I didn't wanna put him on the spot when I gave it to him.

So I had a PA put it in his car.

(CLUCKING)

Al the camera guy

saw you making out with Morning in the parking lot last week.

Should we talk about what happened?

I had fun. Me, too.

That's it? Pretty much.

See you tomorrow.

(WIND WHISTLING)

(WIND HOWLING)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

(GUNSHOT)

(MUSIC PLAYING AS CELL PHONE RINGTONE)

I should probably get that.

I totally disagree.

Sorry.

Hello?

No, actually, I'm in the car.

Why?

Oh, my God. When?

Does Merc know?

Okay. Tell him I'll meet him at home. All right. Bye.

That was my assistant. Merc's father died.

Jesus. That sucks.

Well, he's been in a coma for the last month.

So, I guess it's kind of a blessing.

Still. I'm really sorry.

I should go.

Like, this minute?

Seriously? My husband's father just died.

No, absolutely. But, it's not like you can bring the old guy back.

And isn't this really a time to celebrate the living?

You're making a really plaintive face right now, aren't you?

I am.

And you should see what this guy's doing.

It would break your heart.

(SIGHING)

There you go.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

SEAN: What's another word for "cock"?

BEVERLY: What's wrong with "cock"?

You can't say "cock" on TV here.

No? Hmm. How about "prick"?

No. Seriously, no "prick"?

No "prick."

How about "dick"? Nope.

"Knob"? Mmm, don't think so.

"Meat missile"? "Meat missile"?

That's what the nuns called it.

Hey.

What do you call a cock? A cock.

Right. Anything else?

Something we can say on television?

"Noodle." "Noodle"?

That's what I call my boyfriend's.

Wow. He sounds like quite the stud.

He's on anti-depressants.

Oh. Sorry.

Is that it?

Actually, you came in here.

Oh. Yeah. The network called.

They want to move the table read to tomorrow.

Tomorrow? Why?

Merc Lapidus's father died

and they all have to go to the funeral today.

Oh. That's sad. Okay. Just let the stage know.

Okay. Do you want to send something?

Like flowers or something?

Uh... Should we?

I don't know. Maybe. We could call Carol and ask.

Could you get us Carol?

Huh?

(ENUNCIATING) Carol.

(ENUNCIATING) Okay.

I didn't know she had a boyfriend.

You've met him. The gloomy chap with the disappointing dong.

"Dong." Good idea.

WENDY: Carol Rance on two.

BOTH: Hi, Carol!

MAN: Hold for Carol, please.

(BOTH SIGH)

CAROL: Hi, guys.

BOTH: Hi, Carol.

Hope we didn't mess you up too much moving the table read.

No, that's fine. We're just sorry about Merc's father.

I know. Don't get old. And if you do, don't have a stroke.

We were just wondering, should we send flowers or something?

Flowers are always nice. But you shouldn't feel obligated.

Really.

Sorry for the chewing.

Phil Rosenthal sent Merc this ginormous

condolence spread from Zabars in New York. Oh!

I swear, the bagels were still warm.

So people are sending food?

No, not everybody. A few people sent platters.

A muffin basket's always nice.

But honestly, don't feel any pressure.

Oh, my God!

They just brought in a turkey the size of a Prius.

I hate it when people die. I get so fat.

(MUNCHING)

WENDY: "What better way to remember a friend or loved one

"than this thoughtful bereavement basket,

"overflowing with our scrumptious mini-muffins,

"decadent chocolate brownies, butter toffee pretzels

"and snickerdoodle cookies.

"Wrapped in cellophane and tied with a tasteful black bow,

"the entire family will appreciate

"your gesture of peace and sympathy.

"Caution, this product may contain nuts."

What's up?

Trying to decide what to send Merc.

Smart. Can I get in on that? Sure.

What are you thinking?

Carol suggested a muffin basket.

She's an idiot.

Muffins went out, like, 10 years ago.

Can I leave? BEVERLY: Yeah.

Not for the day, though.

Oh.

So if not a muffin basket...

We should cater a whole dinner.

A whole dinner? For how many?

I dunno. Fifty? 75?

They'll probably have a ton of people back at their house.

Doesn't that seem excessive?

Look, if our ratings were great, we could get away with sending

a bowl of cat piss and a bag of Doritos.

Mmm!

But with our numbers, we can't be the cheap assholes

that sent the shitty little muffin basket.

So instead we're catering a dinner for 75 people?

Whatever happened to somebody dies,

you dig a hole and bury them?

(SCOFFS)

It's like dealing with cave people.

It's just so hard! I should be with him today.

His father died.

I know.

I should be holding him and comforting him.

I should be helping him pick out a casket.

You know I'd be better at it than she is,

which I realize isn't saying a lot...

Well, uh, you'll get to see him at the funeral, no?

(SIGHING) Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.

(KNOCK ON DOOR) Oh, God, I've got to go hear a pitch.

Some guy's got a TV movie about his father's triumph over autism.

It's supposed to be inspiring.

I am so not in the mood! Bye.

Look familiar? Weirdly, yes.

I gave them some pictures of our first flat to use as inspiration.

Oh, my God!

Just imagine a brick wall out that window and the unrelenting smell of curry.

That, and my ex-wife calling and hanging up.

Ah. Good times.

They were.

Hey. Bad news on the catering thing. We're too late.

Mark Burnett's doing tonight from The Grill.

Tomorrow night, Universal's sending deli from Nate 'n Al's.

Some asshole from Warner Bros. took Friday.

We're totally shut out.

So we're back to muffins?

We were never on muffins.

Anyway, so I called Jamie and asked her if she had any ideas.

Jamie who? Lapidus.

What?

What? That look.

What look? No look.

(SIGHS)

We've been kind of seeing each other.

Who? Me and Jamie.

Well, I've been seeing her. She hasn't been seeing...

Blind jokes? Really?

Hey, she makes 'em.

Oh, my God. You and Jamie Lapidus? For how long?

Few weeks. Started the night of our premiere.

She gave me a hand job during the screening.

A hand job? During our show?

Relax. It's not like she was watching it.

I was sitting right next to you on the other side!

Gotta say, her side, much better.

You really are horrifying.

And what is it with you and other people's wives?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This one's been all over me for that.

Well... (ALARM BLARING)

Anyway. I spoke to Jamie and she told me

that there's a couple charities

they're suggesting people make donations to.

That's better than the catering thing. What charities?

Well, one helps homeless people get tattoos removed.

That's the stupidest cause ever.

I think it's for, like, gang tattoos.

Stuff that's stopping them from getting jobs.

(ALARM BLARING)

SEAN: What was the other thing?

Uh, Canadian geese. What about them?

I don't know. Ah!

Look, it doesn't matter what the charities are for.

These are the ones they picked.

We just have to say, "Look! Money!"

(ALARM BLARING)

This is, like, the worst chase scene ever.

How big a donation are we talking?

Like $100? No. Who are you people?

It's got to be at least a grand.

What? A thousand dollars? For geese?

Will they even know how much we're giving?

The geese? Merc and his family.

I don't know. But in case they do know,

we got to give a lot. (ALARM BLARING)

Okay, I'm just going to check the back.

Sure.

Hey, you guys.

Do we all want to go to this funeral together?

Uh, we weren't planning on going.

Oh, no, you have to go. Everybody's going.

Who's everybody? From all the shows on the network.

Oh, shit. Really?

Yeah, I've been getting texts from friends all morning.

Carol didn't say anything about us having to go.

Duh! They never say you have to go.

We should go. (WHIMPERS)

Oh, come on, it's the right thing to do.

You didn't say that when my Aunt Harriet died.

Your Aunt Harriet didn't run a network.

Hey. Okay, that was my agent.

He says I got to go to this fucking funeral.

Thank you!

He also said a charitable donation is too impersonal.

So now what?

Supposedly, Jerry Bruckheimer donated a dialysis machine

to Cedars in Merc's father's name.

Jesus! I know, but apparently he's a partner

in some dialysis company. So he gets 'em at cost.

Wow. David Kelly and Michelle Pfeiffer

are planting a tree at the cemetery.

Oh, those fuckers.

Wow.

What do you think? You look like you're on the news.

Thank you.

The rental car company sent this over.

It was under the seat when you turned the car in.

(SIGHS)

We don't have time for extensions, do we? No.

No. Okay.

Oh, my God. Don't you love this sofa?

Ooh, very nice. Shopping for a sofa?

No, I'm just really into catalogs.

I could read 'em all day.

So you count this as reading? It's got words.

Huh! What?

Look familiar? The chair?

Uh-huh. Don't think so...

Isn't that the one Sean has in his bedroom?

I totally thought it was an antique.

I can't help you there. I've never actually been in Sean's bedroom.

Oh!

Hey.

Ooh, nice.

Did I give you that? No, you did not give me this.

You sure? 'Cause I gave out a bunch of 'em last year.

It's a vintage Breitling.

Yeah. Well, if you want a few more, let me know.

Will do.

Oh, man. It's gonna be weird at this thing today,

being with Jamie in front of Merc.

I would think it'd be easier than the last time,

what with no orgasms.

You've never been with a blind girl, right?

(CHUCKLES) No. It's good.

You don't have to suck in the gut.

There's a bonus.

I went out with this deaf chick once. Smokin' hot.

But it was a little weird when she'd do the dirty talk.

She was kind of like, (MOCKING) "Fuck me..."

Stop. I'm just saying.

She was like, "Fuck me." No. No.

"Put your finger in my ass." (SHUSHING)

Don't talk. Shush! "I'm a..."

"If you can..." I don't care!

Ah, look at you two. Very nice.

I got to say, we all clean up pretty good.

We should do something fun after.

You're assuming the funeral won't be fun.

I think I got you in trouble.

What? I kind of put my foot in it.

Hello.

MORNING: My friend Carrie just got to the cemetery.

She says the place is already packed.

Well, when we get there, just make sure Merc sees you.

And by the way, it wouldn't hurt if you could cry a little.

Are you serious?

I probably will cry. Just thinking about what it'll be like

when my parents die. Do you ever think about that?

I think about it all the time. How old are they?

My mom's 91 and Dad's 93.

How is that even possible... Oh, right.

I never think about me dying.

Do you guys? More so lately.

You think if you died the other Friends would come to your funeral?

Yeah. I think they'd come. Even Jennifer?

Yeah. Even Jennifer.

God, can you imagine the press?

All of you together again. Well, not you...

Right. 'Cause I'd be dead.

Sure. But still. Still. I'd be dead.

I hope I'm still famous when I die.

(SCOFFS)

Kind of playing fast and loose with the word "famous," no?

MATT: When I first got out here,

I went to Orson Welles's funeral.

Really? You knew Orson Welles?

Nah. My publicist got me in.

I couldn't believe I was there.

It was like a real Hollywood funeral.

Jimmy Stewart. Bob Hope.

Bette Davis. The biggest fucking coffin you ever saw.

That guy was huge.

Anyway, I'm standing next to this woman,

she's, like, in her 50s.

Sorta looks familiar. No one's paying any attention to her.

Turns out it's Gloria Heywood.

Who's Gloria Heywood?

Exactly.

We start talking and she's had this amazing life.

Like, a big affair with Bing Crosby.

She won an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress in 1950.

Thirty-five years later, no one even knows who the fuck she is.

We went out for a drink afterward.

Ended up back at her apartment.

This shitty little two-room place off Fountain.

She had this ratty dog who watched us screwing all afternoon.

It was my first celebrity fuck.

Hmm.

I just remember thinking,

"Well, at least now someone'll remember you."

A couple of years ago, I googled her

to see if she was still alive.

Turns out someone named Josephine Hull won the Oscar in 1950.

So who was Gloria Heywood?

Hell if I know. Some nutjob who gave me crabs.

She gave you crabs? Mmm-hmm.

But I learned a valuable lesson that day.

How to get rid of crabs?

Yup. It's come in handy more than once.

Hey, can't believe he's gone.

I know, it's the end of an era.

What are you doing? Put those away. If he sees you...

I know, but I just got a text from a friend.

Matthew Broderick fell out of his NBC deal this morning.

His people are shopping him around.

I don't care. There is a time and place.

Matthew Broderick? Ferris Bueller?

The Producers? Inspector Gadget.

First of all, I already know this. I have a call in to the agent.

More important, today is not about work.

Merc's father died. We have to be here for him.

I totally hear you. Sorry. Yeah, sorry.

What got up her ass?

Thanks so much for coming, really, means a lot.

MORNING: Wow! Nice turnout.

Okay, there's Merc. Let's do this.

You're here. How could we not be?

Matty...

My pop's gone. I'm sorry, man.

Still can't believe it.

I'll bet he was really proud of you.

He was. And you know, we didn't speak for, like, 12 years.

When was this? Long time ago.

I caught him cheating on my mom.

Wow.

So I called the IRS on him, told them how he was cooking his books,

and he was indicted. Geez.

Ah! Every family has their stuff.

And you.

You met him, didn't you?

Just once. He was a sweetie.

Didn't he grab your ass?

He was so full of life.

Yeah. Not so much anymore...

Hey!

You've got one job and that's to keep her

from falling in the goddamn hole.

What are you doing over here?

Sorry.

(SIGHS)

Anyway, I'm so glad you're all here. It really means the world to me.

And you two, all the way from London.

We're so sorry.

(SIGHS) My father loved England.

It was his favorite country. Really?

He always said it was like Europe, but in English.

That's actually our slogan.

(LAUGHING)

You still make me laugh.

Even on a day like today.

Well...

Excuse me.

Ah! You're here.

See you by the hole.

I'm just going to say a quick hello to Carol.

So what were you trying to say to me before?

I didn't know Beverly's never been to your apartment.

And this is important why?

I started talking to her about this chair that's in your bedroom.

Okay... Oh!

I'm really sorry. I wasn't even thinking.

You don't need to apologize. You did nothing wrong.

Well... No.

You're allowed to be there. It's not like I was cheating.

I guess. Yeah, we're separated.

I can do whatever I want.

I am perfectly within my rights!

Then why do you sound guilty? Because I am.

I am so sorry. Thank you.

Hey. You're here.

You holding up okay?

It's endless. I've probably hugged 400 people already.

Let's make it 401?

Sounds good to me.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I want to kiss your neck. Mmm.

You feel so good.

And now it's too long.

He's in a better place.

How are you?

Hello, again.

William Shatner's here!

The real William Shatner?

Yes, the real William Shatner!

Please tell me you didn't do your impression for him.

I was very restrained. But inside I was like,

"You Klingon bastard, you've killed my son!"

Stop it. Today is sad enough.

Oh! By the way, thank you so much for this.

Oh! You're welcome. Happy birthday.

I'm sorry I haven't said anything, but I just got it today.

Ah! I was wondering when you didn't say anything.

I thought maybe I got the wrong thing, or...

No. God, no. I love it. Exactly right. It's perfect.

Oh.

What? What time do you have?

Quarter to. Why? It seems to be running 20 minutes behind.

Oh. Did I not mention it's a piece of shit?

Might've helped if you'd put that in the card.

I'll get it fixed.

So...

Hmm?

Morning was saying something about a conversation

she had with you. Yup.

Where she mentioned to you that, uh,

she'd been in my apartment.

You don't owe me any explanation.

I really don't. I just said you don't.

And I believe she said bedroom.

Right. Bedroom. Yeah.

But since you brought it up...

Yeah? This was when?

Actually, it was on my birthday.

So you weren't alone on your birthday. Good. Good.

Mmm.

For what it's worth, I was only with her the one time.

Mmm.

So you were actually with her, with her.

I mean, I assumed but... I was...

With her. I was with her.

I was with her. With her, I was. I can't stop.

Try.

So, just to clarify...

Yeah. Go. You're saying this wasn't something

that was going on back when... Right.

Back when I thought there might be something going on...

No.

'Cause I was suddenly thinking,

"Hmm, maybe I wasn't so crazy."

No, you were. Oh, good.

So I have obviously no reason to feel guilty.

Absolutely none.

I mean, after what happened with you and...

Yes. I totally agree.

And it's not like we're even together. No.

We're not together. We are... Not.

If everyone is ready, it's time to begin.

(SOBBING)

(SNIFFLING)

What's wrong?

It's silly.

Tell me.

I just always assumed that

when I died you'd be there.

Or if you died, I'd be there.

Now I'm thinking... Who knows? Maybe not.

I told you it was silly.

It's okay. He had a full life.

There is an old Hebrew proverb,

"Say not in grief he is no more,

"but live in thankfulness that he was."

I know everyone here today

is thankful that Leo Lapidus touched our lives.

For 49 years,

he was a devoted husband to our Selma.

He was a loving father to Mindy and to Merc.

And he adored his grandchildren Sam, Tess,

Emma, Brett and Rose.

But he'd trade you all in a heartbeat for an eight handicap.

(ALL LAUGHING)

It's okay, it's all right to laugh, Leo wanted to leave us laughing.

May his memory endure among us as a blessing.

(RABBI SINGING IN HEBREW)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

(INDISTINCT MURMURING)

I'm so sorry. I thought it was turned off.

Who was it? Everyone is here.

Matthew Broderick's agent.

That fucker didn't come?

I'll tell you later.

What? Tell me now.

Broderick's available.

Seriously?

NBC couldn't close the deal.

Get him back.

Now?

Hold for Merc Lapidus.

Sorry, this is important.

Yeah, Merc. Right.

(INAUDIBLE)

(CONTINUES SINGING)