All language subtitles for Episodes.S02E01.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-NTb_track3_[eng]

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

I love your show.

Seriously, I want to have
sex with your show.

(LAUGHING)
I'm telling you, an American
version would be huge.

What, us come to LA?

Let's talk about casting.

Eh, well, we already have
Julian committed to
recreate the role of Lyman.

Merc loves the show,
Julian is the show.

Merc may not have
actually seen your show.

Has he seen it?
No.

There is an actor available.

Huge star.
He would be perfect
for this.

Really? Who?

Matt LeBlanc.

And so what?
You want me for the old
fat guy's part? Thanks.

We don't want you.
Again, thanks.

Matt's been telling me
about the changes
for his character.

I love that he's a coach.
We can call it Pucks!

Did I mention
I hate this show?

I believe it's come up.

You're much more
attractive than she is.
You are.

She's all plastic.

Those boobs.

Yuck.

I can't believe
I get to work
with you.

BEVERLY: You know
what this is about.

Morning? Oh, my God.

Look, I have no
interest in her at all.

Bev, stop! You're
on the wrong side!

No, Sean, you're
on the wrong side!

That's not what I meant!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Did you shag my wife?

She totally
started it.

She was driving
on the wrong side
of the street...

So you fucked her?
No!

(SCREAMING)

I swear, the thought
that I was with him
physically disgusts me.

I'm actually nauseated.
It makes me want to vomit.
All right.

Not to get
too melodramatic,
but I think...

You've broken my heart.

MERC: We're a hit!

Unpack
those bloody bags!

You've got some
telly to make!

Whoo-hoo!

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

(WIND WHISTLING)

(WIND HOWLING)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

(GUNSHOT)

Come on,
what's going on?

Nothing, I'm fine.

Hey, listen,

I'm not just your coach,
I'm also your friend.

His dads are
getting separated.

The gay dads?
Right.

Not his
two straight dads.

Okay.

One of my dads had an affair
with a woman
and now he's saying he's bi.

But my other dad says
it's just a mid-life crisis.

Oh! And the woman
he had the affair with

is the surrogate whose egg
they used to make me.

Thoughts, Coach?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(SIGHS)

DIRECTOR: Cut!
(BELL RINGS)

ASSISTANT: End board.

All right?

DIRECTOR: Nice work today,
everyone.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR:
Check the gate.

SEAN: Not bad.
You think that worked?

The new boys
are pretty good.
Hmm.

What?

The one with the hair.
Stoke.

(CHUCKLES) Stoke!

What kind of parent
names their child "Stoke"?
I know.

It's like saying
you'd better be attractive

or it's all going to be
ironic from here on in.
(CHUCKLING)

Well, as an actor,
he's lucky he's cute.

Wait.

Go like this.

God, you've got
a lot of teeth.

Right there.
What?

You've got a thing.

Hmm, poppy seed.

Must be from
my bagel this morning.

So that's been there all day?
Why didn't you tell me?

I just told you.
Yeah, now,

after everyone's
already seen it!

Okay, put it back.
(SIGHING)

Night.
Night.

Good job today.
Thank you.

Yeah, nice work.

Nice underpants.
Thanks.

Hey, do you guys
ever drink coffee?

'Cause this company
sent me like a dozen
free coffee makers.

Why?

I don't know. Who cares?
They're free, you want one?

I'm all right. Thank you.
No, thanks.

So today went well?
Absolutely.

You guys are happy?
SEAN: Very.

BEVERLY: Night!

Night.

I'll take a coffee maker.
Did I ask you?

What are you thinking
about for tonight?

I thought
I'd have another go
at that third scene.

Well, if you want
to run it by me,
I'll be home.

Flossing.

Right, well,
have a nice night.

You too.
See you tomorrow.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

Hey!

You all right?
I'm great.

Don't look great.

Merc and I
went ring shopping.

Oh, my God!

For his wife.

He took you
ring shopping
for his wife?

Mmm-hmm.

That sounds cruel,
even for him.

It's their anniversary
and he knows
he has terrible taste,

so he wanted me along
to help him buy
something pretty.

Oh, honey!

(VOICE BREAKING)
He's so good to her.

Well...

(SIGHING)

I found this really
gorgeous ring.

And all the time,
I'm thinking,
"The woman is blind.

"Buy me a fucking ring

"and give her
one of her old ones!
How will she know?"

And then I feel guilty
for thinking that, like...

Ugh! I am this
terrible person.
(SNIFFLING)

Really?
We're gonna pull
at that thread?

Sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

Tonight's supposed
to be about you.

Okay, okay.
(GIBBERS)

I'm here now.

I'm great.
Let's celebrate.

(CLEARING THROAT)

Here is to Pucks!
Big premiere
tomorrow night.

Whoo-hoo!
(UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Whoo.

I've got to read
a script later.

Want to make it hilarious?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Ooh! What's this?

It's for Sean.

And now you're thinking
everyone's getting presents
but you.

I didn't say it out loud.

It's his birthday.

Our first one apart.

So, that'll be fun.

Aw! What did you get him?

A watch.

It's a vintage Breitling
he's always wanted.

So he'll love that.

Or he'll think
it's way over the top

and I'll come off as
desperate and needy.

Or that.

I hate this.

This is my husband.

Now it's like
he's some boy who may
or may not still like me.

Oh, fuck it.

Speaking from my
own relationships,

a little "needy" isn't
always a bad thing.

Really?

I mean, even though
you might come off
as kind of pathetic,

on a deeper level,
by being able to judge you,

it allows him
to feel empowered,

and a lot of men need that.

So, it makes them
love you more.

So basically, if I'm ever
feeling like the craziest
person on the planet,

I should just have
dinner with you.

That's what I'm here for.

(BEVERLY CHUCKLING)

SEAN: We're not even
on the air yet

and they're
fucking killing us!

There's not one good one.
So stop reading them.

Jesus!
What?

The New York Post,
"Pucks!
sucks!"

Well, we just
handed him that one.

What, that's the headline?

"Pucks!
sucks!"?
Right.

Then he goes on to say
we're not clever.

Please, stop.
Do not do this
to yourself.

Entertainment Weekly,
"LeBlanc shoots a Le Blank."

Well, at least someone
gave it some thought.

"It's hard to imagine
how this show lasted
four seasons in the UK."

Because it wasn't
this show, asshole!

Did you want me?
What?

No.
Okay.

Oh, wait, wait,
here we go.
Huffington Post.

"I was totally prepared
to hate tonight's
new comedy, Pucks!

"Well, the good news is,
I was prepared."

Oh.

Why do they hate us?

Because they're idiots!

No.

And so much rage. Why? Why?
It's just a little TV show.

It's not like
we're punching Elmo.

It's just a show.
Thank you!

It's light, it's funny.
Absolutely.

I mean,
it's not brilliant.
No.

But is it
"An exhausting rehash
of '90s sitcom cliches

"with Matt LeBlanc
digging into his
old bag of tricks

"and coming up short"?

Hmm.

Why'd you have
to read that one?

It's like they can
see into our souls.

I know.

(SIGHING) Maybe we are
"an uninspired placeholder

"until something
actually funny
comes along."

You've started
memorizing them?

Only the really,
really bad ones.

Why did we do this?

Why didn't we just
stay at home?

Right. Well, we should
get to the writer's room.

Absolutely. Let's do it.

Probably best not
telling anyone else
about the reviews.

Right, because
we're the only ones
with the magic box.

Ooh! I see this guy's
got you working
the concessions stand.

She's great.
Just don't ask her
to make change.

(CHUCKLING)

Here you go.
Thanks.

CAROL: Hi, kids!

Big night.
Very exciting.

Hey.
Hello, you!

Popcorn?
Absolutely.

Butter?

Sure.

(MOUTHING) The ring.
(MOUTHING) What?

(MOUTHING)
I chose the ring.

Oh!

JAMIE: Here you go.

Yum!

So, I saw your name
in the paper today.

For that big
Save the Bees thing?

Oh, it's so important.

In the last five years,
the worldwide...
(MOUTHING) Wow!

...honeybee population
has just been decimated.
You look so hot.

And people don't realize
how essential they are

for pollinating our
fruits and vegetables.

And now 50%
of the hives are gone.
(MOUTHING) I want to fuck you.

It's called "colony
collapse disorder."

(SOFTLY) Stop it!

Well, hopefully we can.

Yes.

MATT: Hey!

Our star has arrived.

Hello, Matt. Popcorn?

Sure. And by the way,

thanks so much, you guys,
for doing this. Very cool.

Are you kidding?
How could I not? Come on!

Matt LeBlanc's
first show since Friends?

Okay.

Hey, come and see
my new set-up.

Just so you know,
this is huge.

He's never
screened a show
at his house before.

That's how much
he believes in this.

Maybe we should all lower
our expectations a bit.

I mean, have you
read the reviews?

(CHUCKLING) Oh, please!

No one cares
about TV reviews.

They hated
most of the crap
we've got on the air

and people still watch it.

Oh, to be that crap.

Curtain going up.
Grab a seat.

ANNOUNCER:
Sometimes you score

and sometimes
life just
Pucks!

Matt LeBlanc returns
in the hilarious
premiere of
Pucks!

Next.
(ALL CHEERING)

(ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

I need a book.

Can you be
less specific?

(PEOPLE CHUCKLING)

I don't know, I'm looking
for something with pages.

Okay, fine,
I don't need a book.

(SCATTERED CHUCKLING)

LYMAN: Hey, I read books.

NICOLA: You do realize
that the swimsuit issue
of a sports magazine

doesn't count as a book?

Oh, so now
you get to decide
what's a book?

Anyway, I called you.

I know.

I left you three messages.

NICOLA: Four.

LYMAN: Really?

Four?

Yeah, and I didn't call
you back four times.

We're even.

LYMAN: You're so mean.
It's Matt.

NICOLA: No, just trying
to be clear.
I know.

I told you,
I'm not going out
with a guy whose life

centers around
a hockey puck.
Hmm.

Well, maybe if you spent
a little time with me,

you'd see there's more
to me than just my puck.

Come on,
go out with me once.

I promise, my puck
won't even come up.

Really?
Because it seems like

it's probably a puck
that comes up a lot.

I'm telling you,
there's a lot more to me
than just my puck.

And yet, at
the end of the day,

I think your puck
is pretty much
what you're all about.

KYLE: You do realize that
if I die right now,

this is the
last conversation
I'll ever hear.

(LAUGHING) Oh, yeah!

(CHEERING)

How great was that?

Really great!

Seriously, I'm ready
to watch it again.

Have I mentioned
how much I love this show?

(ALL AGREEING)

Everybody, there's coffee
and dessert upstairs.

GUEST: Oh, great,
that sounds good.

Oh, you've got
some butter
on your pants.

What? Oh, shit!

Yup, that's butter.

Where's bread
when you need it?

(CHUCKLES UNCOMFORTABLY)
Okay. Okay.

(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Hey. Hey, hey.

Listen, I know
you're still pissed
at me and everything,

but you will not believe
what just happened.

I'm not "still pissed."

No?
No.

Because that implies
there'll come a time
when I'm not pissed.

I will always be pissed.

With you,
I'm in a constant state

of pissed.
Yeah, yeah, okay, but...

No. No "but."
But...

(FIRMLY) No! No "but."

Whatever you've got to say,
I don't want to hear it.

I'm not your friend.

You want to talk
about the show, fine.

But anything
beyond work...
Anything...

Well, this is
kind of work-related.

Is it?

I was watching the show
when it happened?

(GROANING)

MATT: Unbelievable,
unbelievable.

MORNING: It's like beyond
what I ever expected.

MATT: Hey, there she is.
(ALL CHEERING)

MAN: Oh!
Are you all right?

No, I'm fine.
That'll teach me
to walk into a room.

Sorry, everyone's
just very excited
about the ratings.

Really? We did well?

We got a 5.6 with a 13 share

and a 3.8
in the 18-to-34 demo.

Wow! I have no idea
what this boy just said.

They're good.
Are you serious?

Really good.
MATT: Yeah.

Take that, Myron Blum
of the Boston Herald,

with your, "I don't know
who this show is for."

It's for everyone
but you, cock-face!
(ALL LAUGHING)

I thought you said
you didn't read them.

(SCOFFING)
So congratulations, everyone.

Yeah, nicely done.

Hey.

How about that?
Mmm-hmm.

Does this mean they'll
let us go home early?

Who's "they"?
We're "they."

So...

BOTH: No.

Oh.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR:
Okay, people,
back to work. Thank you.

MATT: Right. Great.
I'll see you later.

Jesus!

Number one new
show of the night.

This is gonna kill Schwimmer.

(MOANING)

5.6 with a 13 share!

And a 3.8 in the demo!
Say it again!

3.8!
(MOANING)

98% retention.

Oh! Fuck! Yes!
(MOANING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hi, is he in?

(CAROL AND MERC MOANING)

Oh.

Oh. (CLEARING THROAT)

(MOANING CONTINUES)

I know.
I mean...

I know, it's insane.

Do you realize more people
saw our show last night

than probably every episode
of Lyman's Boys
put together.

Seriously?
Yeah.

You've got to say
this about Americans,
there's a lot of them.

What are you doing?

I marked one two days ago.
I just want to see
how long it sits here.

So, disappointed?

At what?

I can't imagine
a big hit was what
you were wishing for.

It's not true.
Right!

It's not.

(GASPING) It's still here!

You're telling me
there wasn't a part of you

that was hoping
this whole thing would bomb
and we could go home?

How wrong you are.

Look, you have
made it very clear

that when we get home,
we're finished,
we're nothing.

Right now, at least
we have this.

Why would I wish
for that to go away?

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR:
Rehearsal's up!

(SIGHING)

(RETCHING)

Hey.
Can I ask you something?

Could you give us a sec?

What's up?
In this scene,

I know the guys are
lying to me, right?

Right. But you don't want
to give too much away

so you can
surprise them later.

That's what I thought.
Oh, and also...

Jamie Lapidus gave me
a hand-job during
the show last night.

I had to tell you.

Oh, yeah, who better
to share the news with

you had sex with
someone else's wife.

Well, first of all,
just a hand-job.

With her husband
three seats away!
I know!

My God, you're
proud of this?

No. But I gotta say,

getting jerked-off
while you're watching
yourself on TV...

Actors work their
whole lives for that.

SEAN: Who else
knows about this?
MATT: Nobody.

Good. Keep it that way.

The last thing our
little show needs is for
Merc Lapidus to find out

that you are
fucking his wife.

Again, not fucking...

I'm not sure
he'll appreciate
the bloody distinction!

What's the matter with you?

That woman is
married to your boss!

And while we're
on the subject,

what is it with you
and other people's wives?

It's pathological!

Are there no other
women in the world

who aren't the spouses
of people you know?

It's...

What?

I've missed this.

(SIGHING)

BEVERLY: Mmm. This one.
Better than this one.

MATT: Hey.

You know that
cool Prada jacket

that you said my character
would never wear?
Mmm-hmm.

I figured out
where it would work.

Where?
My house.

Annie, could you
grab that for me?
Okay.

Well, good, because
who's more deserving
of free clothes than you?

You can take stuff.
What do you want?

Or I could go to a shop,
like a normal person.

Yeah, someone who
turns down free shit,

not a normal person.

So, listen, this thing
with Sean being pissed off.

Yeah?
How long do you think
that's gonna last?

It's just weird
not being able to talk
to him about stuff.

Yes, this must be
very hard for you.

It is!

Ah, that's great, thanks.

Uh...

There was a hat.

Sure.

Look, I'm not saying
he doesn't have
a right to be mad.

I get it, but at what
point is it, like,
"All right already"?

"All right already"?

You know what I mean.

He swears he'll
never get over it,
but I just...

I have to believe
it's not true.
I just... I have to.

Yeah. I hear you.

I certainly can't blame him.
When I look back
at what I did,

it's like I'm looking at
this whole other person

doing these inexplicable
things with the absolutely
last person on God's earth

I'd ever want
to do them with.

You're welcome.

And now here we are,

and I may have lost
the only thing I ever
actually cared about.

Well, if there's
anything I can do...

You could stop wearing
that fucking cologne!

How we doing on the hat?

Hey, did you guys see this?
Our ratings went up
in the nationals.

Wow!

Do you have any idea
what you're looking at?

No.

I can't believe
I came this close
to not taking this show.

Really?
Yeah.

I got two offers this year.

This one, and they
wanted me for the kid
on that talking dog show.

There's a talking dog show?
JASON: Over at ABC.

It starts next week.
Actually, it's opposite us.

Any good?
Dude, it's a
talking dog show.

Yeah, dude.

So like, I wasn't sure
which one to pick.

My wife was
really pushing me
to take the other one.

(STAMMERING) Your wife?

Well, not officially yet.

We have to wait
till my divorce
comes through.

This would be
your second marriage?

Technically.
I don't even count
the first one.

It was just
a big fucking mess.

(CLEARING THROAT)

We got married
really young.

I assume as embryos.

I'm 27.

You're not!
Kevin's 29.

Stoke's gonna be 31.

Very strange high school
we're running!

Hey, the kids on Glee
are like, in their 50s.

Excuse me.
Are we close to shooting?

Yeah, but they
need you guys over
in the locker room set.

(WHINING VOICE)
Oh, I've got to walk!

That's awful.

(ALL SINGING)
♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday, dear Sean

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Did you do this?

Actually, no.
It's from Matt.

Ah.

SEAN: Okay.

(BLOWING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Congratulations.
Thank you.

Happy birthday.
Oh, wow!

Ah.
Congratulations.

(MOUTHING) Happy birthday.

(MOUTHING) Thank you.

SEAN: Hey!
Hey, birthday boy.

All right, man.
Nice one. Right, come on!

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Whoo-hoo!

(PHONE RINGING)
WENDY: Sean
and Beverly's office.

Carol Rance on two!

Thank you.

Hi, Carol.
MALE VOICE:
Hold for Carol, please.

Wendy, could you
come here, please?

Yeah?
Would it be possible,

when the person's not
actually on the line,

you could alert me
to that fact
so that I don't...

CAROL: Hi, you!
There she is.

Hi, Carol. What's up?

I'm taking you out
for Sean's birthday.

You should not be alone.

Aw!

That's sweet.

Merc cancel again?

(SIGHING) He forgot
he had a thing
at his kid's school.

Sometimes I wonder why
I even shave my legs.

(GIGGLING)

So, how did Sean
like the watch?

I didn't wanna
put him on the spot
when I gave it to him.

So I had a PA
put it in his car.

(CAROL CLUCKING)

Yeah, so what?

(CONTINUES CLUCKING)

(DISCONNECTS TELEPHONE)

Hey!
Hey!

Look at you.
Very impressive.

Please. I had
two pieces of your
fucking birthday cake!

I need to run
to like, Cleveland.

Say what you want
about bulimia...

Please don't finish
that sentence.

I promise, once we're sure
we're not getting canceled,

I'll start
packing on the pounds.
Till then...

I think we're doing
a little better than
"Not getting canceled."

You saw those
numbers today.

No, I know. Still...

What?

The ratings were...
No, they were great,

but that's just
people sampling it.

Let's wait till
next week and see.

Well you're a big
ball of positivity.

Hey, I once did this
Fox show about these
three girls living together.

I was the one with
the smaller tits.

Interesting concept.
Yeah.

We had the highest
number of any new series
premiering that season.

Week two, not so much.

Week three, ugh!

They kept dropping
and dropping.

They pulled
the plug after six.
Wow!

Now I won't even decorate my
dressing room until we're
picked up for the back nine.

Just because you
start off strong,
doesn't mean that...

What?

What are you doing?
I'm just saying.

It's my birthday.

Oh, shit!
I am an asshole!

It's all good.
The ratings will
never come down.

(CHUCKLES) I thought
you were a better
actress than that.

Obviously you haven't
read my reviews
for this show.

So what are you doing
for the birthday?

Oh, birthdays
are no big deal.

So, nothing.

I'm fine, I've got some
scripts to look over and...

Fuck that!
We're gonna celebrate.

Well, I appreciate it,
but I really...

And that was?

Birthday present?

Well, as gifts go,
it was very thoughtful.

It also comes in large.

I don't know why
I feel obliged to ask this,
but your boyfriend?

What boyfriend?
You told me
you had a boyfriend.

Oh, maybe I am
a good actress.