All language subtitles for Episodes.S01E02.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DD5.1.x264-NTb_track3_[eng]

[Typewriter clicking]

[Ding]

[Gunshot]

[Typewriter clicking]

[Ding]

I love your show.

I love it. Seriously,

I want to have sex
with your show.

You know what
my fantasy is?

I wake up tomorrow

and I've got your show
on my network.

What,
us come to L.A.?

How hard can it be?
You've already written
the scripts.

It's perfect
the way it is.

You work
20 minutes a day,

the rest of the time,

you can screw
in the pool.

You hear that?
We'd get a pool.

Let's talk
about casting.

Well, we already
have Julian

committed to recreate
the role of Lyman.

So, that's half
the battle right there.

Merc loves the show,
Julian is the show.

There is a chance

Merc may not have
actually seen your show.

What?
I'm not saying that
he hasn't seen it.

Has he seen it?
No.

We just found out

that there is
an actor available--

huge star--

and he's ready
to come back to TV.

Really? Who?

Matt LeBlanc.

[Typewriter clicking]

[Ding]

Matt LeBlanc?

[Laughs] Right.

Matt LeBlanc...

to play Lyman?

Well...I said it's
a different way to go.

For the erudite,

verbally dexterous
headmaster

of an elite
boys' academy,

you're suggesting...

Joey?

[Laughs] Look, he's
probably wrong for it.

Probably?

He is very funny.
He really is.

I even liked him
in that monkey movie.

What monkey movie?

Please, just take
the meeting--

as a courtesy.

For Merc. He really
wants to get Matt

over here
to the network,

and so far, this is
the only project

he's interested
in doing.

Matt LeBlanc wants
to do our show?

Are you kidding?

Dying to.

He saw it when he was in
England, shooting a movie.

Huge fan.

Really?
So what?

So? Can I tell Merc
you'll take the meeting?

It's one lunch--
you know, as a courtesy.

Yeah, fine, fine.
We'll--We'll take
the meeting.

Awesome. Also...

Merc wanted me to pass on
a little invitation.

He's having
a dinner party

at his house
on Saturday night,

and he'd love
you guys to come.

As a courtesy.

ANDY:
It's a very big deal.

I've never been
to his house.

I've driven past it.

SEAN: Please tell Merc
we would love to come.

We can't wait.
[Kissing]

Aww. Kisses to you, too.

[Beep]

You're kidding.
What?

What? She almost tripped
over your tongue.

You really like that?

Yes.

They're so obviously fake.
Yes?

That doesn't bother you?

She's not hurting
anybody.

I think it's
under "Lincoln".

They're asking if
we have the financing?

Screw that. Tell them
we're looking at
another location,

and if we're not closed
by the end of today,

the whole thing
is off the table.

Bye. Sorry.

I'm trying to buy
a restaurant.

I'm Beverly.
This is Sean.
Hey.

So...I'm here why?

Er, well, to talk
about our show.

What show?

Brilliant.

Did--Did you recently
shoot a movie in England?

No.

So, you're not
a huge fan?

Of England? Ehh...

No, no. Of us.

Oh, you? No.

Oh.

Well, this isn't
at all awkward.

Let me ask you
something.

Would you go to
a restaurant

where you roll
your own sushi?

Absolutely not.

See, that's what
I'm afraid of.

[Phone vibrates]
Oh. One sec.

You won't believe this.

Now they're trying
to add an extra charge

for the kitchen
equipment.

"Well, they can go...

"fuck...

"themselves."

This is so cool.
I just type in "F-U",

and it knows
I mean "fuck".

[Laughs]
Science--

the gifts
you've given us.

So, you guys have
some sort of show?

Yes, it's a comedy.
It's been on in the U.K.
for four years.

That explains
the accents.

Go on.

Do you want to
finish that before we--

No, no, I'm with you.
You're English,

you have
some sort of show.

Well, yeah.
It's about a headmaster

of an elite
prep school...

and his relationship
with the students

and the various
teachers.

So, it's History Boys.

What?

History Boys.

You've seen
History Boys.

The Alan Bennett
play--yeah.

Our show is nothing
like History Boys.

Theirs was set
in a grammar school.

Ours takes place
at a boarding school.

Theirs was about
a history teacher.

Ours is about a headmaster
and several other teachers.

OK, OK. So, it's
History Boys meets...

you saying it's not
History Boys.

It's not History Boys.
All right.

I take it back.
It's not History Boys.

What's it called?

Lyman's Boys.
Ah.

We had the name first.

And so, what--
you want me for the old
fat guy's part? Thanks.

We don't want you.
Again, thanks.

What she means is, um...

the network suggested you.

It would never have
occurred to us.

It's such a different
way to go.

But we are...

huge admirers--

[Tijuana Brass ringtone]

Yo.

No, that was supposed
to say "fuck".

Why would I say,
"Go fun yourself"?

No.

No.

No.

No, no, no, no.

No.

No. No.

N-O. No.

No-o-o.

No.

[Cell phone rings]

Yo.

They loved you.
Who?

The British people.

They loved me?

Carol Rance just called
from the network.

She said they loved you
and they want you.

Huh.
That's good.

It's very good.

I don't know.
What?

I don't know
that I love them.

Well, maybe you can
learn to love them.

Merc Lapidus really
wants this to happen.

They got a money truck
ready to drive up
to your house.

How big a truck?

Oh, it's a big truck.
Lots of wheels.

Are we talking, like,
new restaurant money?

We're talking chain
of restaurants money.

Nice truck.

But have you
heard the part?

This fat old headmaster
of some private school?

So, they'll change
the part.

They'll make it
something else.

Whatever you want.

Come on, it's the
Matt LeBlanc Show.

Tell me more about
the money truck.

It's a truck...
and it's full of money!

Right up to the house?

You won't even have to
go to the mailbox.

Wallace, you know us.

We go through this
every day.

How can you not remember?

We waved to you when
we left this morning.

Everybody waves.

Name?
Lincoln.

Lincoln.
Lincoln. With an "L".

Like the car,
the tunnel in New York,

your dead president.

I'll check.

[Cell phone rings]

Hello?

We got Matt LeBlanc.

[All cheering]

What?!
Can you believe it?

No! You--You--
You said it was a courtesy.

It was.
But he said yes.

Whoo-hoo!

Not his courtesy--
our courtesy!

Either way, we're
over the moon here.

And the best part?

Merc's excited about
the show again.

When did he stop being
excited about the show?

Never.

Thank you.

Bloody hell.
That's a Rothko.

He has a Rothko
in his house.

Do you realize
what that's worth?

Some of these women
are so thin.

"No, darling, tell me--
what is a Rothko worth?"

No, seriously.

Look at that one.

My arm weighs more
than she does.

Don't look at my arms!

MERC: Ohh!

Top o' the evenin'
to you, blokes!

Hello.

[Laughs]

Thank you so much
for having us.

Your home is beautiful.
The art--amazing.

Oh, well,
that's all Jamie.

I just pay for it.

Hey. Have you guys
met my wife yet?

Excuse us.

This is Jamie.

Honey, these are those
English writers--

Sean and Beverly...

Lincoln.
I know!

So nice to meet you.

Welcome to L.A.

So, are you ready to go
back to England yet?

[Both laugh]

Hardly.
In a heartbeat.

Well, if there's
anything you need,

please call me.

And not, like,
an L.A. "call me".

I mean it.
Make sure this one
gives you my number.

Thank you.
That's so sweet.

Ooh. Arthur and Madelyn
just got here.

Oh, would you excuse me
for a moment?

She's lovely.
She's the best.

And blind.

Uh...yes.

Two years now.
Really?

We were in Hawaii.
She ate some kind
of bad fish.

Boom! Has a toxic
reaction,

goes into a coma
for two weeks.

When she comes
out of it--blind.

Oh, my God.
That's horrifying.

Yeah, that was not
a good vacation.

Plus, it rained
practically every day.

Well, Kauai.
That's why it's so lush.

Yes, well...

for someone who's
only been sightless
for a short time,

she seems
amazingly capable.

She's worked so hard.

She's my hero.

I mean...
she falls down.

A lot.

For some reason, she's
not doing it tonight.

But you should
see her shins.

Bruises--sheesh!

[Laughs] Whenever
I offer to help her,

she's, like,
"No, I have to
do it myself."

I'm, like, "But it's
gonna take so much
longer that way."

But she's gotta do it.

It takes us forever to
get out of the house.

Well,
on the other hand,

she shops less.

[Laughs]

[Nervous laughter]

Look at that view.

Ooh.

Hi, kids!
Hi, Carol.

So, having fun?

Absolutely.
Hmm.

Ooh, those look good.

We have a Kobe beef
on a toasted brioche,

topped with
crispy potato

and a horseradish
crème fraîche.

Mmm, not saying no
to that.

[Laughter]

Oh, um, you know,
I'm--I'm fine.

Oh, come on.

At a certain point,
I said screw it.

I'm never gonna
look like them.

I mean, I don't want
to look like them.

Life's too short.

Oh. Thank you.

Mmm. Mmm!

Mmm. Yum.

[Laughs]
Mmm. So...

have you guys
said hi to Matt yet?

Oh, Christ.
He's here?

Yeah, out in the garden.
You should go say hello.

Why?

Maybe because he's
the star of our show?

[Whimpers]
What?

When you say it,
it makes it real.

Oh, come on.
He's gonna be great.

Now, get out there
and make nice.

Come on.
You gotta do it.

No one's here
to have fun.

Oh, God.

Be nice.

You speak first, then.
OK.

Excuse me. Hey!
It's you guys!

Hello, sir.
Matt.

Hi. You know what
I've been doing
the last few days?

Texting?

Watching tapes
of your show.

It's fantastic!
Really?

Like you don't know.
Oh, my God.

So funny.

And smart.
Jesus, I love it!

You're serious?
Uh...yeah!

And it's totally not
History Boys.

Thank you.

I love the writing...

the characters.
Oh, wow.

And we've got to do it
like you did it
over there--

casting real kids,
not TV kids.

That's the key.

That is the key.

Oh, and the librarian?

Nicola.
Yeah.

Great part.

You guys have
anyone in mind yet?

No. The network
has sent us a list.

[American accent]
People they're really
excited about.

Like who?
We didn't know
any of them.

A couple of Heathers,
a bunch of Jennifers,

somebody Dushku.

Yeah, well,
don't let them force you

to cast anyone
you don't want.

All right.
I mean it.

If they start
pushing you around,
let me be the bad guy.

Really?
Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's a lot harder
for them to fuck with me

than fuck with you.

Besides, Merc and I
go way back.

I've known him since
he ran NBC Sports

and used to get me
Laker Girls.

Wow. Good to know.

Yeah, we gotta get
someone great for Nicola.

She's got to be
strong and smart

and classy.
Right.

And also beautiful--

but, like,
in a real way.

She can't act, can she?

What--That's--
I don't--Ha ha!

[Snorts, coughs]

[Honking laugh]

That's her--classy.

I believe I have
Chardonnay up my nose.

[Coughs]

Dinner is being served.

Oh, thank God.

[Coughs]

Well, who saw
that coming?

He's actually charming.
How did that happen?

It's like a magic trick.

Does he seem taller
than the other day?

Yes, and smarter.

I had no idea
he was so smart.

He's still wrong
for the part.

He's totally wrong.
But he has such
nice hair.

Ohh.

I brought an extra suitcase

filled with nothing but toys.

When we got to the orphanage
and opened it,

the children just
sat there, uncertain.

One of the nuns told us
that some of these children

had never actually
seen a toy,

much less had one
of their own.

It just makes you
appreciate so much.

One of the things
I brought was a doll

that I'd given my niece
for Christmas.

She just played
with it once

and had gotten bored
with it.

Well...

I handed it
to this little girl,

and she clutched it
to her chest

and told one of the nuns
it was the best day
of her life.

Oh! And that was Togo.

I mean, then we were
off to Zambia.

The children there--Ohh.

MATT: You guys have kids?

No. Do you?

Two boys.

Oh. Didn't realize
you were married.

Heh heh. Not anymore.

He said, vehemently.

It was not one of
the good ones.

No?
No.

We never
should've done it.

We were totally wrong
for each other, like--

Oil and water?

More like oil
and something that sleeps
with oil's best friend.

BEVERLY: Oh, my God.

I don't understand
how women do that.

With two children...

No, no, no, no.
It was me.

I slept with
her best friend.

I was not
a good husband.

Heh. Apparently not.

But I am
a very good dad.

That's Aiden, and the
little one's Michael.

Oh, they're gorgeous.

They seem very sweet.

They can
drive you crazy.

Don't ever ask them what
a dinosaur sounds like,

especially if
you're in a car.
[Laughs]

But, you know,
they're pretty amazing.

They're the best thing
I've ever done in my life.

Anyway...

[Laughs]

It's a Mark Wilson.

No, I know.
But an early one.

Before he decided
the only color
was brown.

[Laughs]

Amazing collection, huh?

Oh, brilliant.

You should see--

in the master bedroom,

there is a Nevelson that--

it should be
in a museum.

Really?
Mm.

Are we allowed up there?
Probably not.

Um...

would you mind
not mentioning to anyone

that I've been
in the master bedroom?

All right.

Oh.

I just wouldn't
want anyone

to get the wrong
impression.

Absolutely.

"She's sleeping
with her boss."

[Laughs] Wouldn't want
to be that girl.

No-ho-ho-ho.

Especially since
his wife is blind.

Right. Ha!

Because that would
make me--

A monster.
Yes.

[Laughs]

Rarr!

[Both laugh]

I don't--

[Laughing]

[Clears throat]

Heh.

Whew.

Even if it started
before she went--

Still not good.
Right.

Yeah.

And here
they're pretending

they don't know I'm
taking their picture.

But look--they're both
giving me the finger.

I assume their father
taught them that.

Before they could
even talk.

I've never actually seen
a "fuck you" finger
that tiny.

Pretty cute, huh?
[Laughs]

That's one of the things
I'm looking forward to
with our thing--

working with kids.

Talk to me
three weeks in.

They're like sticky
animals with agents.

I gotta say,
I'm so excited.

It's an awesome part.

Thank you.

I've never played
anyone like him.

I'm sure.

Be honest. Did the network
force me down your throats?

Sean would
tell you no.

Sean would be lying.

I'm totally wrong
for it, aren't I?

Spectacularly wrong.

I knew it.
I'm so screwed.

[Laughs]
If it helps,

we're screwed
with you.

Hey, no one likes
to be screwed alone.

Hmm.

So, what do we do?

Uh, I'm not sure.
It's just--

you as the headmaster
of a school--

I know.

I mean, you're obviously
very intelligent.

Really?

Sean and I
were just saying

how smart you are.

Wow. That's a conversation
that doesn't happen a lot.

[Both laugh]

But for this role--

Well, what if I wasn't
the headmaster?

What if I was someone else
at the school?

Um, that--

that would change
the show considerably.

Come on, you gotta
help me here.

I kind of need this
to be a hit.

Or at least something
you can't make fun of
on a talk show.

Um...perhaps.

Good. Perhaps is good.

Perhaps, uh,
you could be--

I don't know--
a history professor

with a passion for
military campaigns.

Or a coach.
A--A coach.

Like a wrestling coach?

Throwing the kids around.

Well, um, see,

that would be a very
different kind of show.

There's a level
of sophistication.

Hmm. Right.
OK, uh...

what about lacrosse?

That's got your whole
sophisticated thing
going there, huh?

Bam!

Heh. Um...

let me talk to Sean,
see what he thinks.

Great. And, hey,
at the end of the day,

it's whatever you guys want.
It's your show.

Thank you.

Are you kidding?
Thank you.

Hey, speaking of kids,
I just saw this documentary--

I just had an interesting
conversation.

Which I agreed
not to share.

So, what are you
talking about here?

Oh, Matt was
about to tell me

about this
documentary.

Oh, yeah. It's about
these kids with
Tourette's syndrome.

You gotta see it.
It's so funny.

Funny?
Oh, my God.

Children
with Tourette's?

I know. I felt
guilty laughing,

but I'm telling you.

They were interviewing
this one little girl--
so cute--

and all of a sudden,
she's, like, "Shit! Shit!

"Shit! Shit!"

[Laughs]

And you found
that funny?

Hey, I said
I felt guilty.

But come on--
little kids cursing?

No?

I need to believe
you're joking.

Uh, no.

What do you say
we find another topic?

You haven't seen it.
I don't need to see it.

Tourette's is
a horrible affliction.

It's not just swearing.
These people suffer

from compulsive facial
and vocal tics.

And there's no cure.

So, I guess you're
the fun one.

Let me ask you
a question.

Carol's having
an affair with Merc.

Who's Carol?

What if one of
your sons had it?

What if your own child
was compelled to say
these terrible things?

Would it be funny then?

It depends on
what he was saying.

[Chuckles]

Did you just laugh?
No.

You did, you laughed.

I didn't, I swear.

[Imitates whip cracking]

Excuse me?
What?

What? That thing.

What thing?

That whippy thing.

Are you implying that
my husband is whipped?

I don't know. Is he?

Right. This is not
the other topic
I was looking for.

When you say "whipped",

what type of "whipped"
are we talking about exactly?

You're an infant.
Just trying to clarify.

Are you trying
to get me to say
the word "pussy"?

I can say "pussy".
Pussy. Pussy.
Pussy! Pussy!

I want to be in
this conversation.

Thank you for coming.
It was lovely to see you again.

Bye, thank you.

Thank you so much
for coming.

You handled that well.
Could you believe him?

Whipped! You're not whipped.
Are you whipped?!

That may not be the tone
you want when you're
asking me that question.

You're not whipped,
are you?

No, darling.
I'm merely browbeaten

and henpecked.

Oh, God, I just want
to get out of here.

Hideous, hideous night.

Oh, is someone there?

It's Sean
and Beverly.

I'm afraid
we have to go.

We had
a wonderful time.

Don't worry.
It gets easier.

Arr! We--We be
goin' now, are we?

And now we're pirates.
Very good.

Matt's been telling me
about the changes
for his character.

What?
Wait till you hear.

Uh, changes?

Yeah, how he's not gonna be
a headmaster anymore.

How's that?

I love that
he's a coach.

A coach?
A lacrosse coach.

MERC: Love it!
That's much more relatable.

Hey, hey, it was
Beverly's idea.

Really?
I never said "coach".

Well, she said
she couldn't see me
as a headmaster.

Did she?

You said it, too.
To you.

What is a headmaster,
anyway?

Do people even know?
Probably not.

We didn't commit
to anything.

Well, commit to it.
It's perfect.

I agree.
She's so smart.

I'm just not sure
about lacrosse.

Is it too lacrossey?
I know what you mean.

How about hockey?
Ooh.

Hockey works.

We could call it Pucks!
I'd watch.

Before we start
measuring for uniforms,

can we all
take a breath?

This is so much better
than your old show.

How would you know?
You've never even
seen our show.

[Laughs] I've seen your show.

Of course
I've seen your show.

Who told you I haven't
seen your show?

I--I don't--

Did you tell them
I haven't seen their show?

Uh, I--

Uh, no. Carol
didn't say it.

I--

I was just trying
to make a joke.

It was a joke.

You...haven't seen
our show!

[Laughs] That's--

I don't get it.

He's the funny one.

What a great night.

Maybe next time
you can shoot someone.

First of all,

I did not tell him
he could play a coach.

Did you tell him that
he couldn't play a coach?
No.

Did you mention it would
change the show completely?

That we'd have to throw
out all our scripts?

He said he would let it
be our decision.

And he very well
might have

if you hadn't
completely
antagonized him

over that bloody
documentary.

What was I supposed to do--
just go along with him?

"Oh, a film about afflicted
children--hilarious!"

Yes! You go along.

That's what
the rest of us do.

We go along.

Because we know that
if you don't go along,

you end up writing
a show called Pucks!

I mean, just once,

could you not make
everything harder?

Evening.
And you're here to see?

Oh, no. No, no, no.
Not tonight, Wallace.

Don't pull that shit
with us.

Now, open the motherfucking,
bloody bastard,

pain in the arse,
dick-cheese-stinking,

dirty, shitty,
wanking, fucking,

bloody, fucking, bastard,

fucking stupid cunt
of a fucking gate!

[Buzz]

Tourette's.