Original subtitles

Yeah The Brothers

The Umbies

Yeah The Umbi Wumbies

Yeah! Woo!

Where the bloody hell are they?

l think they're in Japan

What?

Japan

You're joking

Give me the phone give me the phone

Where's the number where's the number?

Excuse me

One second

Excuse me

l'm nearly finished

You forgot the country code

Oh for -

There we go

OK there's the second page

Oh for -

ls that a three or a five?

Seven

Thank you

Hello?

ls this one of the Umbilical Brothers?

Yes

Aren't you supposed to be somewhere?

l am somewhere

What?

l'm in Japan

No somewhere else

How could l be somewhere else l'm here

Subiaco

Subiaco oh bullshit l'll be right over

Dave

Yeah

Subiaco

Bullshit l'll meet you at the elevators

Come on let's go let's go

Wait l've got to check out

Quickly quickly

Excuse me sir did you use anything from the mini bar?

''Yes l had a can of Coke, a packet of Pringles''

And some edible panties

What are you doing with edible panties?

Everyone's wearing them in Japan

Check these out

Actually they look pretty good but we haven't got time for that now!

Wait for me

Pull your pants up you'll run quicker

Oh yeah

Taxi

Airport

When's the next plane leaving for Australia?

Next plane for Australia is leaving in ten seconds

Let's go

Wait wait you must undergo security check

We haven't got time for that now

Oh OK maybe next time have a nice flight

There's the plane

Quickly jump

Good evening everybody

My name is Bob l'm your captain

And l'm an Aussie just like you guys

We're flying on flight 623 direct to Guatemala

Oops

There we go flight 326 direct to Perth

Oh we're nearly there and hey look below us

There's Subiaco

Jump

Grab on to the edge of that building

Can't hold on much longer

Neither can l

My leg

My baby

Oh my God they're dead

Welcome

Hello

Do you know who l am?

Reckon l've got a pretty good idea

Just a second

What were you going to say?

lt can't be Barry White

Are you Barry white?

No l'm God

Close enough

Do you know where you are?

Well if you're God

Sorry just a second

What were you going to say?

Up the stairs

On the top floor?

Not on the top floor

On the roof?

Not the roof the gates

Bill Gates?

Not Bill Gates

Do you think it's Bill Gates?

No

Yes No

Devon

Heaven

Not quite

Look l have something very important to tell you-

Hang on

How do we know you are God

Oh God if that is indeed your real name

That's a very good point Shane

There are plenty of Gods aren't there?

ln lndia alone there's at least a couple

How do we know that you are THE

Oh yeah you see you could be Darth Vader

You might not be God

You could be any one of any number of unlicenced users of The Force

Do something God like

You know something God-ish

God-esque you know

Do something ama~zing God

Do something that's really going to im-

press me come on

Did l just

You got my vote God

Now to the important stuff

l must tell you that

Actually sorry just before we do oh impotent one

l had a lucky pair of socks

And l lost one in Poland a few weeks back

You're going to ask God about socks?

l'm going to ask God about lucky socks

God doesn't care about socks

What do you mean?

God cares about everything

That's a little question

You got to ask God the big questions

Like what

Like l don't know

God

Why?

l don't do rhetorical

Terry does

Who's Terry?

OK l've got a big one

l mean that's the question actually

lt's my

l wanted to know

l don't want to know if it's enormous

l don't care about that stuff

l just want to know if it's in the average range

The biggest

The biggest?

He said the biggest right?

You mean l've got the biggest in the world?

Suck it! l've got the biggest in the world

No you misunderstand me

You ARE the biggest in the world

God sees all apparently

Enough of the miniscule questions God

Back to the important stuff

God how are we doing down here?

To answer that we must go back to the beginning

Your Universe

Or Dorothy as l like to call it

Was born in 1965

Before that there was nothing

Are you sure you've got your facts right God?

lt's all right here in Wikipedia

lt's all about the bo~zons apparently

God l don't mean how are we as a universe doing

l mean the two of us how are we doing?

Well

Some comics die on stage

You died before the show even started

How do you think you're doing?

A bit shit l guess

Could you at least give me a state of Poland

Where the sock might be l could call the hotel they have lost and found

Forget the sock

lt's embarrassing

lt's not embarrassing

We'll get you some more socks

That colour burgundy?

We'll find you a burgundy sheep

l have never seen that colour burgundy in sheep before

Don't worry about it mate

And the fluffiness?

You can not get that kind of fluffiness anymore

You can get the fluffiness

Look we don't have time for this

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE

One sock? Oh for fucks sake

We got to have two socks we got two feet you should know you made us

l'm sorry there's nothing l can do

We only have one booking

Only one of you will pass on to the other side

And what happens to the other one?

Sorry l just remembered one of Terry's jokes

Who is this Terry character?

God is there a waiting list for the other side?

We tell people there is

Look l really like your stuff

l just don't think l could watch it forever

So we can only take one of you

What happens to the peope who don't necessarily believe in God?

The people who don't necessarily

Hello?

Sorry l was on another call

Right who's coming?

l thought you made that decision

Look l just do the admin

You must decide

Now who's it going to be

Jesus

Yes?

He's not talking to you

Back in your box Baby J

OK this is a huge decision

Big one yeah

Enormous this is the biggest decision we've ever made

Quite possibly

We've got to talk about this man

Let's see we'll put the points for

And the points against

We could do a Powerpoint demostration

We could point at each other all day

But basically l should go

Why should you go?

Because l'm the one with respect for God

You don't even believe in God

Doesn't mean l don't respect him

You were saying last week that you don't believe in God

Yeah well l do now don't l?

How convenient

Convenient or not l believe

You can't just change your mind

You can change your mind

You cannot just change your mind

You can that's exactly

Excuse me

Hey we're talking here alright?

You say you've got respect for God

Yes

No mate

You just interrupted him

You don't go interrupting somebody

lf you'd just listen

What are you deaf?

You just did it

l was just showing you what not to do

God's not going to fall for that

l don't want God to fall for anything

Obviously it's a high place

Exactly now listen to

l'm the one who should be going

Just be reasonable

l'm sure we could just

Shut the fuck up

Right

l'm sending you back to sort out your differences

And you dead is no good to these people

They've come to see a show

l would suggest you develop some compassion

And remember

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE

Listen l'd wash my hands first before l put my hands there

Whoa

Yeah

Are you talkin to me?

No one has one of those things in their bathroom

Who has one of those things in their bathroom?

Me

Does anyone here

That's like a 20's Barbershop thing

Yeah

What are you Sweeny Todd or something?

l could be

What's in the basement?

Do you want to find out?

No l don't

OK

Alright

Why have you got

Does anyone here have one of

Mate l've got one of them because l've got one of these

Why have you got one of those?

Because l've got one of them

OK then

And l'm sorry l walked into your bathroom

Yeah right

l walked through your wall actually

l'm like an X-Man

God

Hello Professor X

Hello

What happened?

l've just got to focus. Concentrate

There we go

l can see-

Sorry. Carry on carry on

You said you were going to-

l won't bother you no more don't you worry about that

l should have known

You said you were going to behave because of the filming

l am behaving

You know that's a door

What?

lt's a door

Oh hello

With a light

lt's a lot more fun just going

Well you can do that as well because there's a

Hello

Oh hello

Watch it

And there's one down there

What's that for?

Oh my f-

ing balls

l just said oh my fucking balls

Just in case anyone was

Wondering what l might of-

lt's not a kids show

Not anym-

And kids just don't say those words

l you are just go

Oh my f-

ing balls

You could do that it's fine

l just punched you and this was in my hand

Oh my-

They're on the ground now

lt's filling up with penis blood

Oh yuk

Oh man

Penis blood

l know

lf it wasn't a kids show before

Definitely not a kids show

lt's not no

OK

Oh God get it off me get it off me

(lt's on your ra~zor)

And it's on my ra~zor

There we go

lt's not a very sharp ra~zor is it?

l just sharpened it

OK it's a sharp ra~zor great

Oh you've got two of those

Why do you have two of those?

l've got two of everything

Yeah

Well l used to have two of everything until you cut me in the balls

Actually l should be saying

l used to have two of everything until you cut me in the balls

You mother

l tell you know

l'm not going to cope with that voice for the rest of the show

Could you stitch them back on or something

OK Luckily l'm doing this in the dark

Staple gun no

Putting my balls on in the dark

That was the original line

This is so not what we set out to make

That's right its being filmed OK

Yeah it's sharp man alright it's sharp enough

lt just gets me back because l just had that where the fuck am l expression

Yep it's sharp

lt's very sharp

Not sharp enough

You got two of those yeah of course

Why wouldn't you

Rub it in

OK

That's a very sharp ra~zor you got there

lt is a very-

l'd be careful with that ra~zor of l were you

You be careful

l'll be careful you be careful

Let's all be careful then

Oh man l've done this a million times l know what l'm doing

Just be careful

Yeah sure sure just just-

Don't

Careful

lf you laugh like that just when he's about to

Who knows what could happen

See that's the good-

When it's that sharp you can hear each individual listen

Wow that is very sharp

l warned you l warned you l said it'd be sharp

Where's the staple gun no no no

Oh man

Oh you've got a huge wad of toilet paper

Are you gonna have that on your face for the rest of the show?

l'm pretty much going to have to yes

lt's not distracting is it?

That is really distracting

They're going to be looking at for the whole show

Just don't look at it

Yeah pretend it's not even there OK?

Just pretend it's not there don't look

Don't fuckin look at it mate!

ls there a problem is there a problem is there a problem?

lf he could see you he'd beat the shit out of you

There's that expression again

That's the what the fuck am l doing expression

O~z~zy O~zborne

We met him

O~z~zy O~zborne

At the Royal Variety Performance

The same time we met the Queen and Prince Philip

And then we met Sharon and O~z~zy O~zborne

And l got them confused

Because they're both the same height Sharon and the Queen

They've got the same hair they dress the same

And then behind them is this guy going What The Fuck Am l Doing?

lt's uncanny

So was that O~z~zy or the Duke?

That was both together morphed together

No O~z~zy is what the fuck am l doing?

And the Duke is what the fuck am l doing?

Where the fuck are we?

Very nice couple very nice couple

Are you talkin to me?

You're going to strangle yourself with the cord

lf you do that you'll strangle yourself

lt's a gun?

Batteries

You don't want to get your hairdryer confused with a gun

What's it going to be?

Batteries

Yeah

l'll take your word for it that there are such things cause l don't need any kind of-

You could do with an imaginary one though for your imaginary hair

Oh come on it's not that funny is it?

We're all picturing what hair styles you have

What kind of hair style do l have now eh? That's right

Two hairdryers?

Of course

l've got two of everything

Are you talkin to me?

Two hair straighteners right

Niether of which work

Are you talkin to me?

You

Bastard

G'day

OK what do you want l've got a machine gun a shot gun

Yeah Shot gun

Of course you've got two grenades in the bathroom yeah

Grenade grenade grenade

What was that about?

What was what about?

Carrying the grenade like this

lt was live

lt was a live grenade

Thought it was a cat

Are you talkin to me?

Damn it's fine to be an American

Oh my God Oh my God

Morning Dave Dave?

Just let me out of the cupboard

Thanks

Shane

Good morning

l've been having those weird dreams again

Those weird dreams? Yeah

About the sandwiches? What?

They're pretty weird dreams the sandwiches with legs

There's nothing weird about that

Oh yes there is

The weird dreams

What about the sandwiches dressed as penguins?

What?

The row of sandwiches dressed as penguins

And you're with them and you're going

No no no the nightmares

Oh about being an American

Yes

Mate don't worry you're not an American

Not even the Americans are having that dream any more OK?

l think the pressure is getting to me

What pressure?

Job pressure

lt can't be job pressure

l'm a cop

You're in traffic

l'm a traffic cop

You're a parking inspector

l'm a parking inspector yeah

lt can't be job pressure

Listen mate you know what l think it is?

What's that?

l think it's something in your past

Really?

Yeah yeah usually when you're having weird dreams like that

Usually what you're doing is suppressing something from your past

You think so?

l know so

And l have a psychology degree

Really?

Yeah

Where is it?

There it is so yeah l know what l'm talking about

Alright

And l can help you identify that thing

And remove it from your life

OK let's do it

Alright l'm going to take you through some regression therapy

OK

l'm going to take you back

OK

First of all what l want you to do is l want you to relax

Too much

Too relaxed

Flipping fans l love them

That was ama~zing

l think l just broke my spine

Now just relax Dave and breath

Because if you don't you die

Alright now

l want you to travel back in your mind

OK

Should be a short trip

Now just think back

OK think back

Nothing nothing nothing

Keep going

Nothing nothing nothing

Keep going

Nothing nothing nothing

Hang on a second hang on a second

What? What?

Could have been something

Where? What?

Change direction go forward go forward

gnihton gnihton gnihton

Hang on a second

What?

Could have been something

Just go back slowly

N

o

th

ing

N

o

Lebellagolafolafoo l shouldn't do a balle latex oh space monkey aye aye aye aye oh say can you see

ing

No-

Hang on a second Daaaaaaaaaaaaa

vid

Could have been something what was that about?

Actually Shane now that you mention it

l've never really been quite the same since the incident

The incident?

Yeah l've never really been quite the same since the incident

Sounds serious

lt is serious

Especially that bit

That's the most serious bit

Woh well tell me about it mate

l'll tell you about it yes

Well it was back in 1989 it was a winters afternoon

l was alone with an orchestra at the time when l came across four...

And that's the whole story

Sorry l wasn't paying attention what was that?

Well it was back in 1989 it was a winters afternoon

l was wearing a red dress at the time when l came across...

And that's the whole story

What's the whole story?

You go over there the lights go out then you say that's the whole story

Listen Shane the fact of the matter is l think l'm losing my mind

Come on you're not losing your mind

lnsane going l think l'm

l think l'm going insane

Don't be ridiculous mate

l think l'm going insane

David that's just cra~zy talk

lt's cra~zy talk

Come on

l don't mean it literally ya loony

Loony

No it's just a figure of speech ya fuckin weirdo

OK

You know what your problem is Dave?

What's that?

Your problemo is that you've been cooped up in this imaginary house for way too long

l do like my imaginary house

l like what you've imaginarily done with it

Thank you

l think it's imaginarily imaginative

Thank you for imaginarily saying so

You're imaginarily welcome

What's your favourite thing about it?

Well imaginarily speaking l like what you've done with the bathroom

l don't know about the bits of cat everywhere

lt's a Polish technique

lt's a Polish technique OK

l like what you've done with the imaginary rugs over there

Thank you l like the rugs Lithuanian

l like your imaginary curtains

l like what you've done with them

What curtains?

My fuckin imagination alright? Don't put anything in

Sorry couldn't resist a bit of inception every now and then just happens

Listen mate you know what your problem is?

What's my problem?

You need to go for a walk

What?

Get outside

Just go out you know?

You've been cooped up in here for too long

You need some exercise you know

You can't just stay inside all day

You know what l'm saying?

You got to go out you know?

You can't stay in the side you got to get some exercise

You got to go out

You have to go out

You know you can't stay in here you have to get out

You have to go out more

You have to go out

You have to go out

You have to-

My upper body is getting way too heavy

You have to get out

You have to get out

Get out

Are you alright?

Yeah l'm fine l'm fine

You just got to go for a walk in the park

Actually that's a good idea l'll go for a walk in the imaginary park

Yes why not

And listen when you're feeling the pressure get to you

Yeah

Just stop and say to yourself

l am not cra~zy

l am not cra~zy

lt sounds so simple Shane

lt's as simple as you and l

That's pretty simple

lt certainly is

Now listen l've got to go l've got to meet Andrew

Who's Andrew?

He's just a subplot l've been working on

Good luck with that

You'll be fine mate there's nothing wrong with you

Thank you thanks for your concern

No worries

OK

Bye nutcase

See you what the?

He's probably right

l should go for a walk in the imaginary park

Hello little birdie

Fetch

Fetch

Fetch

Fetch

Fetch

l am not cra~zy

Am l?

Hello little birdie

Are you talkin to me?

Yeah

My precious

Are you talkin to me?

What the hell was that?

Just a little cricket

A little cricket? A little cricket?

Yeah

Andrew!

What?

This was the subplot l've been working on

Your subplots a cricket?

Why?

Quickly administer CPR

CPR CPR What's CPR?

Cricket To Person resuscitation don't you know anything quickly

Yes yes yes

No no no

OK Andrew you'll be OK

Come on Andrew we're rooting for you mate

Dave Dave Dave

You can do it Andrew

David

l'm trying to help

Just give me some room OK?

Yeah sure OK

Come on Andrew

Dave just give me some room mate just give me some room

We're here for you Andrew

David room give me some OK?

Breath Andrew

Give me some room Dave

Andrew

Dave room give me some

Give me an A

Give me some room Dave give me some room

Andrew

Yeah that's about right OK

Andrew l don't know what to do l don't know what to do

l'll call an ambulance just hang on

There's a cliff down there for some reason

Shane?

Shane?

OK Andrew l've called the ambula-

What happened to Andrew?

What?

Where's Andrew?

Oh he's gone

He's gone?

Yeah he's gone?

He's OK?

Oh he is so fantastic

He's alright?

Yeah yeah he's great

Where did he go?

He went off back that way somewhere

He ran off and he said

He said thanks very much for saving his life

He said make sure you tell Shane

Thanks very much for saving his life

And then he had to go so l've got to go to

Why did he have to go?

Hey?

Well he was injured and everything why did he have to go so suddenly?

He said he said he said l'll tell you what he said

l've got a very important engagement to get to and so he ran off

What sort of engagement?

What?

What sort of engagement?

He said a very important engagement party

Who's getting engaged?

He is

What Andrew is getting engaged?

Yep

Andrew's getting engaged?

Yeah yeah he didn't tell you?

No

And you're meant to be a friend of his

Yes

What a dick l can't believe that

Anyway l've got to go too so l'll see you later on

Why do you have to go?

Man will you stop- l just- cause he said l've gotta go

But you just met him

Yeah

And you're gonna go just because he said?

Mate Yes

Why?

You know why?

Why?

Because l'm getting engaged to him

What?

You and Andrew?

Yep

The two of you?

Yeah surprise!

Ha ha ha you didn't know but now you do it's so-

l'll see you bye

Andrew my love

Congratulations

Shit

Andrew and Dave

Dave and Andrew are gettin it on

Don't get me wrong it's awesome you know

l'm all for mixed relationships

l think they're fantastic

lt's just that they only just met

And usually it takes time for a guy and a cricket

To get to know each other

You know you got to talk about stuff

You got to go out

You gotta discover each others secret places

You know just find things you like to do-

What the?

lt's like a little pu~z~zle

Oh Jesus Fuck

Andrew! Oh my God

Andrew oh my God

You'll be fine you'll be fine mate you'll be fine

There's nothing wrong with you

lt's just a flesh wound Andrew

You'll be fine there's nothing wrong with you

l can't lie to you mate you look shithouse

Oh my God

You're alive you're still alive you're still alive OK

Just hang on Andrew just hang on

You'll be OK

Just tell me Andrew

Who did this?

David

l see

Well let me say this

This

And another thing

l swear to you Andrew

l swear that this act will not go unpunished

lt will not go unpunished and l will not let you down

l have never let you down and l will not let you down now

l swear to you Andrew

l swear in front of these slightly confused people here tonight

l swear to you Andrew

l swear that l shall avenge

Oh shit

Shane Shane

Clink

How are you man how you doing?

l haven't seen you in the gym before

l come here l like to work out before l go on the beat

Go on the mean streets of Perth

Before l go to work so um

And l listen to the boogie music

That's my boogie music just there

lt gets the blood flowing all over the body

Do you know what l mean?

And what are you doing? What are you doing?

Man don't- Could you not do that please

lt's very hard to use the cassette

Once that's out of the little plastic enclosure

Shane could you not do that please

Why are you doing that?

No don't lick it

l can't use it if it's wet

Or out like that l'm need a pencil or something

Has anyone got a pencil?

What are you- Now it's dirty

You've put liquid on it and

Are you upset about something?

Your not still upset about the insect are you?

What was it the the cockroachy thing?

The um cricket right?

Agatha

No Artie

No Andy Andrew

Andrew? Was that it?

That's it? Seriously?

Man come one

Get over it mate

Get over it

l mean it was like

A minute ago

You know this is so-

This is wrong

You can't you shouldn't

You're not allowed to come in here and be upset

Why should you?

lf anyone should be upset

lf anyone should be upset it should be me

lt should be me that's right

lt should be me because l'm the one

l was the one

That was engaged to him

Oh Andrew my love where will l find another?

Maybe in a field or something l don't know

That is bullshit

Easy easy

Come on yeah come on come on

This is for Andrew

No no no

Yeah come on l'll have you come on

One hand

No hands

lt's not over Dave it's not over

Limber

Limber

Sounded a bit like a fart didn't it?

No

lt's a ~zip right?

Yes it's a ~zip

No

You're quibbling about ~zip noises

Yeah watch

Big one

Medium si~ze

Small

Jesus

You people

What are you ~zip fetishists or something?

You guys are really into ~zips

Who isn't?

l don't know

OK yeah we get it ~zips

l didn't close that one

Oh come on that's enough

l'm just getting into work mode

You're a parking inspector

What are you wearing?

They don't have a parking inspector in the Village People as far as l recall

l'm in work mode now that was my relax

When l come home l go

Flip flip flip flip

Now you're doing onomatapia

Flip flip flip

l thought you were going to ~zip

Remote control ~zipper

That's enough of the ~zips

We get it

That's e-

Oh for fu-

l really don't want to

Do any

More ~zip-

Oh for God's

Sake

Stop it with the ~zip-

This is ridicu-

That must be a bitch to get out of

l did that for you

We should all go to the ~zipper club

Oh man

Never have so few been amused by so many ~zips

Having trouble with your bike?

Technical problems?

l'm having problems with you is who l'm having problems with

Just reminding you that without me

You're just a mime

What does that make you without me?

Just a fart noise?

They're ~zippers right fetishists?

Not without me they're not

Was that a fart fetishist or a ~zipper fetishist?

OK so

Oh for fu-

Man seriously

So just do the sound of a motorbike?

Does anyone want to got to the bathroom?

Because now is a good time

l just might follow you and make the noise though

So just be careful

This is taking forever

This guy in the next cubicle

l can't believe l did that and we were filming the show

That's not going on the DVD

You'll get the DVD and they'll be us

And then we'll-

Sharp edit

Completely different lighting state

OK ok

Can you do it because it's a lot harder

lt actually hurt to do it without the sound

lt's much harder

That's cause there's nothing there

Exactly

OK here we go

Transport is at the ready

Oh come

lf someone came into the room right now

And saw that

What do you think they'd think?

l'm riding a donkey NO NO NO

That's right children Dave is Riding the Donkey

So that's what they're calling it this year aye?

Riding a donkey?

l have the reins in one hand

The reins in one hand

That's really embarressing

And it's really

From this angle it looks even worse

That's what he's seeing

Don't point that thing at me

Alright

lt's a trasformer donkey it'll turn into a motorbike how's that?

lt can also turn into a chicken

What's that?

lt's my siren

Come on man

You're a parking inspector

l'm a very important parking inspector

You're a very deluded parking inspector

On a transforming donkey going

Come on give me a siren

Give you a siren

Give us a siren

Give us a siren OK

OK hang on a second

lt's OK they didn't laugh at it

Never mind the extra thumb

l did not see you put any gloves on

So you've just pulled the skin off your own hands

l put the gloves on before the show

l sleep in my gloves

You slept in your gloves?

You went to the toilet you had a shower in your gloves

Yep

OK and the ~zippers...

l'm starting to get an idea of what kind of clubs you go to

l've got gloves and l've got leg warmers on

Now l'm totally confused about the kind of clubs you go to

What a feeling

l am slightly confused

Limber

Limber

Limber

Limber

What are you doing?

Directing traffic

Mate you're a parking inspector

Mate l've got a siren

Alright for the sake of moving along

You're a traffic policeman

Traffic person

Traffic policeman

Seatbelt mate

Pull over mate

Pull over mate

lt was a gun a second ago

l got it confused with your hairdryer

l would have taken the hairdryer out to get the-

l'm gonna blow you away

l could have melted the tires

l know what you're thinkin

Did he do six perms or only five?

Hold it

Rewind

Let's see that last pass again in slow motion replay

Limber

Can l help you officer?

Ow my eyes!

Hey Hey!

Where'd you get that car Dave?

That's not your car

Dave listen l've got to talk to you about something

lt's about Andrew

lt's important

Dave

Yeah hi hi

Could you wind the window down

l've got something to talk to you about

Window down man

Window window. Wind the window down

Jesus

How do you drive with that that loud?

lt calms me

That calms you?

Yeah yeah

That couldn't possibly calm anyone

That couldn't calm any-

OK we get it

Joke's over

At least give me a

Chance to

Catch my

Breath

And in other news Dave is a wanker

And he can get

Now listen Dave mate

Yep

l've got something important to talk to you about

Oh sure yeah all ears

Now we've known each other for a long time

This is about Andrew. l just thought

Mate l'm collecting for his funeral

l thought you could spare some cash

Mate look just a dollar for a

Dave look don't run away from your responsibilities

l'm not l'm driving

You were responsible for his injuries

Look just give me a dollar man

For a little casket

Alright twenty cents

Come on you can spare twenty cents

Twenty cents dude

Come one

That's not fair

Come on man just give me twenty cents

Dave just give me twenty cents

Come on

A little compassion

Twenty centardos

Just give me twenty cents

Twenty cents Dave just give me twenty cents

Give me twenty cents

Give me twenty cents

Twenty cents

Twenty cents

Twenty cents

lt's alright we've got plenty of them

Just give me twenty cents

Give me twenty cents

Twenty fuckin cents

Now listen

David

This has gone

Beyond a joke

Yeah not sure about that

All l want

ls a little compassion

And twenty cents

Shane?

Shane? Shane? Shane?

Shane come on

Shane

(Do CPR)

He's not a cricket is he?

Shane? Shane?

Shane?

Shane?

Shane?

Shane are you OK?

Shane are you OK?

Nipple cripple! Nipple cripple!

How did you make your heart stop like that?

Shane! Shane! Shane!

Ambulance? Yes yes Regal Theatre Subiaco yeah that's right

OK quickly

No! No! No!

Oh for -

there's a tire mark on him what are you doing?

No! Not a truck! No please!

He's already dead!

No not a transforming donkey!

lt's a hover craft

A hover craft? No!

Oh my God oh God oh

God if you're there please l need you

lt's an emergency God please it's David hello?

Hello God here

God! lt's David from the beginning of the show

Unfortunately l'm unavailable to answer the call

but if you'd like to leave a message

Please speak after the beep cherio

God it's David from the beginning of the

God it's David from the beginning of the show

l've got Shane and he's not working

lt's an emergancy God if you're there could you pick up?

Hello?

ls that God?

No this is Terry

Oh Terry yes God mentioned you listen Terry

ls God there?

Well that's the question isn't it?

And the answer? Could you call for him or something?

Hang on a moment. Just getting another call

What?

l'll just put you on hold

No no don't put me on hold Terry it's an emergancy

Please God no Terry Terry call for God

Terry can you hear me? Terry!

Terry please it's an emergancy Terry please Terry

Terry ah no

Look forget it l'll do it myself

Give me twenty cents!

Come on baby

Bingo

Give me twenty

Oh that's not fair that's not fair

Hey Dave Dave Dave Dave hold it there hold it there

What are you doing?

What's that gonna

A hair dryer!

Grab him grab him grab him grab him grab him

Or just sit there!

Oh my God that was loud

Did you say something?

Hey Dave l think the music was too loud

What?

l can't hear you

The music was too loud

What?

l can't hear what you're saying

l think the music was too loud

Loud!

What?

l can't hear you

The music was too loud

l didn't like it

What the fuck is this?

What are you doing?

l can't hear what you're saying

The music was too loud

Too loud!

Loud! Loud! Loud!

What?

What?

l can't

Listen to me OK listen

Very carefully

l'm only going to say this one more time

What?

Oh for fu-

l can't hear you

OK? Me l can't hear you

Because

The music

Was too

Fucking

Loud

What?

Oh no get off me get off me!

What is he chasing me for?

And now please make him welcome

Someone who thinks he's hilarious

Dave!

Yeah! Woo!

ls everybody ready to rock?

Well you can't those seats are bolted down

l wouldn't even try thank you

That's not funny

Tell us a funny joke

lt was funny mate.

Please don't disrupt the comedians on stage

Comedians? You?

Yes

Tell us something funny

lf you just give me half a chance l will

My grandmother is so old

lf she's as old as these jokes she's fucking dead

Seriously could you

That got more of a laugh than you

Security! l'm going to get you chucked out

l am security

Oh shit

Tell us a fucking joke

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies

Oh my God the only boobie around here is you ya tit

Mate shut up

Oh my God he just shot the heckler l can't ow!

Oh my God

He just shot the person that was talking about the heckler being ow!

Oh my God he just shot the person that was talking about the person that was talking about the heckler being shot

He just shot my pussy

This is ridiculous this is just devolving into common innuendo and cheap jokes

Yes let's listen to the voice of reason up the top there yes sir

Alright look l've got a request

Certainly sir yes

Just give me twenty cents!

Just give me twenty cents!

You should not have come back old man

When l left you l was but a learner

Now l am the master

Only a master of evil Darth

You said you were going to put your Ben Kenobi costume on tonight

Forget the costume lets just

No we're filming you got to put it on you said

it's not ready

How long have you been working on it for?

Six weeks

Six weeks l think these guys will appreciate the effort

lt's not ready

lt's perfect. You want to see his Ben Kenobi costume?

Come on man

l grew my hair to look like his helmet the least you can do

ls put your costume on

Yeah but that only took you a week

Come on man put your costume on

Yeah OK for the kids and the pixies out there

OK OK l'll just bear in mind it's not quite ready

But it takes me a minute to put this on

Sure l'l just do the line again

Tina could l have my larger testicles back please

You should not have come back old man

When l left you l was but a learner

Now l am the master

ls that a charity clap?

l put a lot of fucking effort into this costume alright?

Six weeks!

Lot of effort? Six weeks? Mate

Look at the tag hanging off

Don't worry about the tag

l put that tag on there

Yeah you put Quest Hotels on there

Ben Kenobi's on a quest

And he chooses to stay at Quest Hotels

When he's in Tatooine

Who went to Cra~zy Clarks today?

Party!

On the Death Star on the Death Star

Use the force Luke use the force Luke use the use the use the force Luke

That looks great

Look it changes colours

lt's awesome

Can you pick us up on the DVD? Yes?

What did you write?

l wrote Darth

What did you write?

ls a tosser

What the?

Exclamation

Run Shane run

What's that? My intitials

Yeah have a look

Just give me twenty cents

No

Twenty Cents

l'm gonna get that twenty cents

You sound like Mickey Mouse

l was going for Bruce Lee

Well you got to sound more like a chicken

l'll get ya

That's still Mickey Mouse

l'll cut ya with my ears

l'll cut ya

You see

Ow my eye!

Just step up like a man

Just step up and we'll talk about it

l'm not a man l'm a mouse

Step up here like a

There's a hole down here

That's right Mickey

Now Mickey

Are you going to give me twenty cents?

No

No l might slip and fall

Yeah that's what l'm talking about

lt's dust

l didn't understand a fucking word you said over

Gibberish Gibberish Gibberish over

Roger

This is Houston control

Are you there Major Dave?

Roger Houston

l'm here Houston

What part of Mississippi are you from Major Dave?

The south part.

That's about as far south as l can imagine

Sorry Houston l started with this voice

Now l'm just going to have to keep on at it

And that's how the great nation of America was born

OK Major Dave prepare for countdown

Roger Houston

Ten

Nine

Eight

Seven

Six

You forgot Six

l'm alright

What?

Where am l now?

l can't understand what you're saying Major Dave

l think this guy is two physics degrees short of a fuckwit

Major Dave do you read? Do you read?

Oh course l fucking read!

How do you think l got this job?

l didn't mean that Do the countdown

One more of them and l'm out of here Houston

Ten

Oh my God

Just go from Five

Five

Four

Three

Just give me twenty cents

Blastoff!

This is Houston Control

You will experience G forces

No shit Houston

You there Houston?

Houston!?

l'm there Major Dave

Please don't make me say more words than l absolutely have to

Because this voice is really hurting me

l think l taste blood Houston

You think it's painful from your end?

l think you've just called 16 galaxies to war

OK Major Dave

l'm going to have to talk you through this

You're in the module section

You're going to be landing on the moon

So press that big red button

And you will eject the module section

Pressing big red button Houston

Well done Major Dave

l can press buttons Houston

OK the lunar surface is coming up pretty fast

Could be a rough one

Prepare for landing Major Dave

Oh no not a rough one Houston

l'm not ready for a rough one

l don't know what you just said

But let's hope it means affirmative

l want someone else to do it Houston

OK the Lunar surface is coming up prepare for landing

Ow my back!

Ow my spleen!

Ow my nose

The asshole has landed

No Houston l can't-

This is ground control to Major Dave

How's it looking up there on the moon?

Well you know Houston it looks pretty cool

l think l just burst one of my own eardrums

Major Dave

Yes Houston?

How's it looking up there on the moon?

Well Houston when l look up into the stars

Why it's like a billion eyes staring down at me

A billion eyes?

Billion eyes

A billion eyes staring down at you?

Staring at me

l think your oxygen level is a little too low there Major Dave

You better turn that up

Major Dave

Hey Houston

l'm on the moon!

Major Dave is on the moon

Major Dave

Hey Houston

l think l see the earth out on the hori~zon

Now l see some kind of object

l'm gonna check it out

l'm getting closer to it Houston

And l'm getting closer to it Houston

Houston l have identified the object in question

And Houston

l am getting the fuck out of here oh my God

Computer l am approaching the pod

Please open pod bay doors

l'm sorry Dave l'm afraid l can't do that

What the hell is that?

Who are you?

On screen

Just give me twenty cents

Houston l am out of my ship repeat l am out of my ship

Asteroid!

Oh no we're going to go through the earth's atmosphere!

What do we do what do we do?

l know

Grab as many birds as you can

Doesn't work

Screw you birds!

We're gonna die we're gonna die

lf we're gonna die

We may as well die extreme!

l think l'm going to spew

l'm reconsidering that Red Bull before the show

l know

Grab on to the edge of that building

Can't hold on much longer

Neither can l

if only you'd perfected those suction boots you were working on last weekend

Of course! My prototype suction boots

l just happen to be wearing them

Testing suction boot number one

Yeah that sucks OK

Number two

Yeah that totally sucks

Alright l'm going to let go

Come on abs

This must look ama~zing

You know

l wonder what this would look like from another perspective

l guess we'll never know

What are you doing?

l don't know

My boots don't suck that much

That's better

Not better

Listen Shane

Yes Dave

l'm really sorry about Andrew

You're really sorry?

Really sorry

Then l guess l don't need that twenty cents

Oh great

Oh no

The ledge it's starting to give way!

There's only one option

What's that?

l'm going to sacrifice myself to save you

Good idea

Me too

Me first

Stop!

l'm afraid you're too late

The booking has been filled

By who?

l made it quite clear

There can be only one

Not this time

You have been watching in the role of Dave Dave

ln the role of Shane Shane

Playing the role of Andrew the cricket two time Academy Award winner Daniel Day Lewis

And in the role of me me

Thanks very much for coming we'll see you next time bye

And now

The song that was cut from tonights show

Andrew!

He was just my little friend Andrew

He's not singing is he?

No bigger than a pen Andrew

l think he's singing l'll go check

For he and l

Yeah he's singing

Would spend the days the days go by

lt's definitely singing

Andrew and l

l can hear him l can see him

And Andrew and l

He even looks like he's singing

And Andrew and l

Shane could you not-

And Andrew and l

We talked about this

And Andrew and l and Andrew

We talked about this we said we're not going to put a song in the show tonight

But l'm in position to do a song

l know you are sorry next show

l'll look like a dickhead if l don't do a song now

Mate too late mate

We'll put a song in the next show

We'll just do a whole musical next show how about that?

But l thought l could just do one song

No song we talked about it

You always get to do a song

We said we're not gonna do a song

Just for these guys

They don't want a song

Yes one song

No believe me you don't

One song yes

No we're not gonna put a song in the show tonight

We're not gonna put a song in the show tonight

Say what?

l said we're not gonna put a song in the show tonight

Hey is that right?

Yeah that's right

So we're not gonna put a song

So don't you try to clap along

We're not gonna put a song in the show

Tonight

Tonight

And pyros go

Oh for f-