Original subtitles

FROZEN IN A TIME AND SPACE DIVIDE

BUT HOW WOULD THE UNIVERSE SURVIVE

DUCK DODGERS OF THE 24th AND 1/2 CENTURY

PROTECTING THE POWERLESS AND THE WEAK

DUCK DODGERS IS FIGHTING TYRANNY

IN THE 24th AND 1/2 CENTURY

- SO, HOW MANY MILLIONS OF MY ADORING FANS VISITED

MY FAN SITE TODAY?

HMM. THE COUNTER'S STILL BROKEN.

OOH, A POP-UP AD.

BOY, THESE BABIES MAKE IT ALL WORTHWHILE.

AM INTERESTED IN WINNING A LIFETIME SUPPLY OF GARBAGE

FROM MY FRIENDS AT TRASH THRASH GARBAGE COMPACTORS?

YOU BET I AM!

- C-CAPTAIN DODGERS, STOP!

ONLINE CONTESTS ARE ALL SCAMS.

YOU SIGN UP TO WIN A SPACE CRUISE,

AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'RE ENLISTED,

WORKING A DEAD-END MILITARY JOB IN SPACE FOR NO PAY.

I MEAN, THAT'S WHAT I HEAR.

- YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS, CADET?

- THAT I SURROUND MYSELF WITH PEOPLE WHO DON'T APPRECIATE ME?

- NO, YOU ARE AFRAID OF COMPETION.

NOT ME. I THRIVE ON IT.

WHEN IT COMES TO CONTESTS, I'M DOG EAT DOG.

HOW ELSE COULD WE HAVE WON ALL THAT DIET DOG FOOD?

- YEAH, BUT WE DON'T HAVE A FAT D-D...

WE DON'T HAVE A DOG.

- IT'S NOT ABOUT THE PRIZE.

IT'S ABOUT WINNING. WINNING IS ALL THAT MATTERS!

ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT TRUE. THE PRIZE IS JUST AS IMPORTANT.

- JUST BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE OPPOSING OTHERS IN CONTESTS

OF SKILL AND CHANCE DOESN'T MEAN

I'M NOT A COMPETI...COMPETI...

NEVER MIND.

- VAN CHANCY'S MEGA MYSTERY GRAND PRIZE SWEEPSTAKES.

A CHANCE TO WIN AN UNKNOWN PRIZE I MAY NOT EVEN WANT?

COUNT ME IN!

HEY, I MUST BE AN INSTANT WINNER!

- SINGLE, HANDSOME MAN OF SCIENCE SEEKS ROMANCE.

SHOULD ENJOY QUANTUM MECHANICS, NUCLEAR FUSION,

FLYING KITES, AND RUBBER GLOVES.

WELL, THAT SHOULD BRING THEM RUNNING.

MYSTERY GRAND PRIZE SWEEPSTAKES.

WELL, I AM FEELING KIND OF LUCKY.

- HM, AUTHENTIC MARTIAN QUEEN PERSONAL POSSESSIONS.

WAIT! HOW DID THEY GET MY TOOTHBRUSH?

AND WHY ISN'T ANYONE BIDDING ON IT?

SWEEPSTAKES.

WELL, I'M ALREADY RICH,

SO I'M A LOCK TO WIN.

- DEAR MOTHER,

I KNOW YOU ASK ME NOT TO WRITE TO YOU SO MUCH,

BUT IT'S BEEN HOURS SINCE I HEARD FROM YOU LAST,

AND I'M STARTING TO WORRY.

IS THAT YOU, MOTHER?

- HE WRITES TO HIS MOTHER CONSTANTLY.

IT'S DISTURBING.

- HMM! I'LL SHOW HIM WHO'S AFRAID.

- LOOK, CADET. I THINK I WON.

- HELLO, AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION

OF THE GALAXY'S NUMBER-ONE GAME SHOW,

VAN CHANCY'S "NOT A CHANCE!"

I'M YOUR HOST, VAN CHANCY!

- WOW! IT'S VAN CHANCY.

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THIS GUY.

- SO, WE'RE ON A TV SHOW?

- THAT DEPENDS.

DO YOU NEED CAMERAS TO MAKE A TV SHOW?

- YOUR HIGHNESS, MY SENSORS INDICATE NO CAMERAS ARE PRESENT.

- YES, I KNOW. TRY TO KEEP UP, GUYS.

- TODAY, BITTER RIVALS FROM MARS AND EARTH WILL FACE OFF

FOR A CHANCE TO WIN THE MEGA MYSTERY GRAND PRIZE!

IT COULD BE ANYTHING...

A YEAR'S WORTH OF PLASTIC DOG VOMIT

OR AN OCTRILLION DOLLARS IN ASTROCASH!

- DOG VOMIT. OH, PLEASE, LET IT BE THE DOG VOMIT!

- HA HA HA HA HA!

LET'S MEET OUR CONTESTANTS.

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, SWEETHEART?

- I AM THE QUEEN OF MARS.

I DEMAND...

- MMM.

- HOW DARE YOU!

- LET'S MEET THE OTHER TEAM!

AND WHAT'S YOUR NA...HEY, HEY! - MMM.

- AAH!

OK, GREAT.

AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE COMMERCIALS.

ONE MORE STUNT LIKE THAT

AND YOU ARE ALL GOING HOME IN AN ENVELOPE!

THIS IS MY SHOW! GOT IT? MY SHOW!

DO YOU THINK I LIKE DOING THIS?

DO YOU THINK I ENJOY TAKING PEOPLE CAPTIVE

AND ENDANGERING THEIR LIVES FOR CHEAP THRILLS AND RATINGS?

DO YOU THINK I WANT TO LET THIS CYCLOPS SAUTE AND EAT YOU?

- YES, ACROSS THE BOARD?

- CORRECT. THAT'S WHAT MAKES ME VAN CHANCY...

BED-WETTER AND HOST OF THE UNIVERSE'S NUMBER-ONE GAME SHOW.

- WELCOME BACK. THE CHALLENGES AWAITING OUR CONTESTANTS TODAY

ARE SO TERRIFYING, EVEN I'M SHAKING.

WILL ANY OF THEM SURVIVE?

- NOT A CHANCE!

- SO, LET'S START THE CARNAGE!

- IT'S ABOUT TIME.

- OUR FIRST CHALLENGE IS

THE RAGING RAPIDS RIVER RACE OF RUIN.

THE TEAM THAT ELUDES THE MAGNETIC MINES,

MAKES IT THROUGH THE RAPIDS,

OVER THE WATERFALLS, AND ACROSS THE FINISH LINE FIRST

WITHOUT DROWNING OR EXPLODING

WINS 10 POINTS.

- HA, YOU CALL THAT A CHALLENGE?

- OH, I'M A GOOD KAYAKER.

- IS THAT ALL, FOLKS?

NOT...A...CHANCE!

- YOU'RE IN THE LEAD... WHAT'S GOING THROUGH

YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW?

- ACTUALLY, VAN, RIGHT NOW I'M THINKING ABOUT...

BUTTERFLIES. THEY CREEP ME OUT.

HELP! BUTTERFLIES!

HELP! HELP!

- YOU JUST EXPLODED.

WHAT'S GOING THROUGH YOUR HEAD RIGHT NOW?

- GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!

- WE HAVE A WINNER!

- GOOD GAME, CONTESTANTS.

10 POINTS TO TEAM EARTH FOR WINNING,

ONE POINT FOR BOTH TEAMS FOR NOT BEING SLAUGHTERED OR EATEN,

AND 12 POINTS FOR ME FOR BEING FASCINATING.

WE'LL RETURN AFTER THESE THIEVING LIES.

YOU HAVE 3 MINUTES TO SHAPE UP AND GO TO THE LAVATORY.

- EWW! I CAN STILL FEEL ITS BUTTERY WINGS

ALL OVER MY SKIN. EWW!

- CADET, IF WE SURVIVE THIS INSANITY,

I'M HAVING DODGERS COMMITTED FOR PSYCHIATRIC EVALUATION.

- BUT, SIR, WITHOUT DODGERS, WE WOULDN'T BE WINNING.

- GOOD POINT. IF WE SURVIVE THIS, I'M HAVING DODGERS CLONED

AND THEN COMMITTED FOR PSYCHIATRIC EVALUATION.

- EATING CHALLENGES, WE'VE ALL SEEN THEM, HAVEN'T WE?

HORSE INTESTINES, FISH EYES, LIVE WALRUS, FRUIT.

- BLAH! - ONE OF HIS BUTTONS

MUST OPEN A PORTAL OUT OF HERE.

IF WE PUSH ALL HIS BUTTONS AT ONCE, WE CAN ESCAPE.

- I THINK SOMEBODY ALREADY PUSHED ALL HIS BUTTONS.

- AND I THINK SOMEBODY'S AFRAID OF LOSING.

- NO, DODGERS, WE'RE HOSTAGES. OUR LIVES ARE IN JEOPARDY.

- AND YOU'RE LOSING.

- ONLY BY 10 POINTS.

I'M A GOOD EATER.

BUT HERE'S THE ONE THING WE HAVEN'T SEEN

OUR CONTESTANTS EAT YET...

THEMSELVES!

THAT'S RIGHT. THE TEAM THAT EATS A HELPING

OF ONE OF ITS OWN TEAM MEMBERS WINS 10 POINTS.

NO MUSTARD ALLOWED. ENJOY YOUR MEAL!

UNLESS YOU ARE THE MEAL!

- UH, CAPTAIN, W-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- SOMEBODY HAS TO TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM.

I FIGURE IT'S YOU BECAUSE YOU HAVE THE LOWEST RANK.

PLUS, YOU'RE PROBABLY DARNED GOOD EATING.

AM I RIGHT, I.Q.?

- WELL, HE DOES HAVE A POINT.

- B-BUT PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!

- NOW, ARE YOUR LEGS LIGHT OR DARK MEAT?

- AAH!

- AS MUCH AS I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A CANNIBAL,

I'M STILL A LITTLE IFFY ON THIS.

- YOUR HIGHNESS, EAT AS MUCH OF ME AS YOU WISH.

IT WOULD BE AN HONOR.

- WAIT, YOUR HIGHNESS,

I BELIEVE THE ANSWER IS RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES.

- COMMANDER, WE DON'T HAVE NOSES.

- PRECISELY, MY QUEEN.

UH, WE'RE FINISHED OVER HERE.

- ALREADY? BUT WHAT DID YOU EAT?

- OUR NOSES.

- AND MOUTHS.

- AND LEGS.

- WORKS FOR ME!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THE SHAMELESS FRAUDULENCE.

- OH, NOW WE'RE TIED WITH THEM.

- DON'T WORRY, CHIEF. WE'LL WIN THE NEXT ONE

AS LONG AS IT DOESN'T INVOLVE ROLLER SKATES.

- WELCOME TO THE PRESIDENTIAL ROLLER DERBY CHALLENGE!

THE FIRST PLAYER TO MAKE IT AROUND THE TRACK ALIVE

MOVES ON TO THE FINAL ROUND FOR DELOUSING

AND A CHANCE AT THE MYSTERY PRIZE.

AND YOU'LL COMPETE AGAINST THEM TO SURVIVE.

CLONED ENTIRELY FROM FOSSILIZED DNA,

YOU KNOW THEM AS THE LESSER KNOWN AMERICAN PRESIDENTS!

SAY HELLO TO MARTIN "RED FOX OF KINDERHOOK" VAN BUREN,

GROVER "UNCLE JUMBO" CLEVELAND, WILLIAM "TIPPECANOE" HARRISON,

AND JOHN "TYLER II" TYLER!

- ARE YOU SURE THEY WERE PRESIDENTS?

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF THEM.

- READY, SET,

ROLLER DERBY!

- WHOA! WHOA! WHOA...

- WE HAVE AN UNDESERVING WINNER!

- CAPTAIN DODGERS, THIS IS THE FINAL ROUND.

YOU MUST CHOOSE BETWEEN:

A...THE LIVES OF YOUR FELLOW CONTESTANTS

OR B...THE MEGA MYSTERY GRAND PRIZE!

- OH, THAT'S TOUGH.

WAIT. WHAT WERE THE CHOICES AGAIN?

- A! A! A!

- A OR B.

- "A" WAS THE PRIZE, RIGHT?

- NO. THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE, FOLKS!

TUNE IN TOMORROW FOR MORE THRILLING,

TREACHEROUS, EMPTY CHALLENGES ON ANOTHER EDITION OF...

- "NOT A CHANCE!"

- GOOD NIGHT!

- WELL, THAT WAS A BIG WASTE OF TIME.

I WON IT ALL, AND I GOT NOTHING.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE WINNING PRIZES ISN'T SO GREAT AFTER ALL.

MAYBE IF I WORK HARD TO EARN THINGS,

I'LL APPRECIATE THEM MORE.

MAYBE...WHY ARE YOU SCREAMING?

- EH, "C-CONGRATULATIONS.

"YOU'VE WON THE TRASH THRASH GARBAGE COMPACTOR

"GARBAGE GIVEAWAY.

ENJOY YOUR GARBAGE, CHUMP."

- FORGET WHAT I JUST SAID.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT ALL THIS GARBAGE MAKES US?

- EH, GARBAGE MEN?

- NO. GARBAGE WINNERS!