Original subtitles

Here you go. $50,000 for your $500,000.

Don't you want to see mine?

Oh, right. Of course.

Of course.

You look nervous, friend.

No, it's just, you know, cold.

Perfect.

Very realistic.

It always is. My specialty.

That will warm you up.

Breakfast, everybody!

Morning, sweetheart. Did that explosion wake you up last night?

Explosion? No. But the sirens woke me up.

I was having trouble sleeping, so around 4:00...

...I thought I'd bake bread.

Then I thought, "Wouldn't it be nice if we had a family breakfast for once?"

So, I did the dishes and made breakfast.

I'd have fixed the bathroom, but I'd have made too much noise.

- No, that's on my list. - Norman, that is your list.

Then it's on it. It's as good as done.

Come on, we're gonna have a nice family breakfast.

Come on, Cindy, hurry up.

I got four more minutes. Check the schedule.

- You're not even doing anything. - It's the principle of the thing.

Oh, man.

A high-speed police chase last night ended in suburban Pleasant Valley.

A dozen highway-patrol cars joined the Metro Division...

...at speeds over 120 miles per hour.

It's not safe anymore.

I think I should buy a gun.

That's just what this town needs: You with a gun.

Come down, kids! We're gonna have a nice family breakfast!

- Thanks, Dad. - Hold it.

What is this?

A pack of cigarettes.

I know that.

What were they doing in your coat? Are you smoking?

So what if I am?

"So what if I am?"

Do you know what smoking does?

It stunts growth, yellows teeth and blackens lungs.

Do you want to be a yellow-toothed midget with lung cancer?

I like to keep my options open.

Hey, Kev!

I've got a surprise for you.

What'd you do that for?

You were supposed to catch it.

You wearing that to school again?

Yes, my father.

Have you noticed something funny around the house lately?

Come on, Billy, we'll be late again.

Like it's all falling apart, nobody likes each other.

Norman, this may not be the perfect family, but it's close.

There's still a lot of affection. I know.

I cook the meals. I run the house. Do I complain?

No, because I love being a homemaker. I find it fulfilling and rewarding.

Nothing's falling apart...

...and everybody loves one another. So get off my back!

Everything's fine!

Mom! Mom!

She'll be back, son.

There we are.

A bit nutty today.

Just a little back-up practice.

In you go.

Get in the car, Billy.

Can it be a hearse?

Get in the hearse.

Buckle up.

The Green Hornet.

We got one for you.

How did the bird save Baretta when he was tied up...

By pecking out the number of the police on the phone.

Episode 23. That the best you can do?

How does he know all those shows?

Isn't it silly wasting your time on these dumb cop shows?

Why not watch something important, like baseball?

Silly?

Phil, somewhere in the world, every second of the day...

...an episode of Kojak is being rerun. Is baseball?

- Not during the off-season. - Kojak has no off-season.

A bagel with no cream cheese, and with butter on the side.

I said no cream cheese. Excuse me?

I'm a good cop. I show up on time, fill in my reports.

That's why you and Jake team so well. He can't spell.

Can't you see I'm begging you here?

My cops shouldn't beg. Don't do that.

I don't know how else to say this. I want a new partner.

You want a new partner?

Jake would be happier teamed with somebody more like him.

Where am I gonna find someone like that?

I've known Jake 30 years. You don't have to tell me he's...

...a pain, but he's a good cop.

Please, I'm begging you not to do this to me.

You're a good team.

Captain, he hates me.

Of course he hates you.

He hates me. He hates everybody.

Hey, Jake, don't you hate everybody?

There. Now, don't we all feel better?

I got this for you.

Osborn.

He's in a counterfeiting ring. He's been eliminating the competition.

- How? - By eliminating the competition.

Now he's rented a home under the alias John Henderson in Pleasant Valley.

Pleasant Valley?

I guess he figured we wouldn't look there. I want you and Tony...

...to post a stakeout next door.

If we know where he is, why don't we just go and grab him?

You got a lot of youthful enthusiasm.

I hate that. We don't just go and grab Osborn.

We want him to lead us to somebody big:

Frederick Lutz.

He's picking up a bundle of phony $50s from Osborn this week.

I thought he ordered...

I thought he ordered a hit on Osborn.

I guess they kissed and made up.

The deal will go down in the house, so watch for Lutz.

Jake, this house we're staying in...

...who lives there?

Who cares?

I've mentioned this before:

Volume 8 of Police Woman is missing 11 seconds of its end credits.

Anybody else complain about it?

No one else has ever rented it.

It's American history.

Norman Robberson?

Detective Stone.

We need to speak with you.

Did I forget to rewind my tapes?

Come with us, please.

Is that it?

Geez, you guys are strict.

I don't know about this.

Mr. Robberson, you're next door to a dangerous criminal.

Your home is perfect cover for an effective stakeout.

Look...

...my family's going through a difficult time right now.

I don't know if bringing cops and counterfeiters into the house...

...is the right thing.

The right thing?

What is the right thing, Mr. Robberson?

Covering your ass?

Worrying about the comfort of the wife and kiddies?

We're all just...

...one inch away from a lawless society.

Know what keeps that nightmare away?

Men.

Lone men.

Men with the courage...

...to stand up to the night and spit in its eye!

What do you say, Robberson?

You got the guts to be one of those men?

Wow.

What'd you tell your wife?

My wife. Yes, Helen, yes, well...

It's best I tell her in the morning.

- Tomorrow? We're moving in tonight. - I know, I know.

That's fine.

But I think Helen would be more receptive to all this in the light of day.

Don't worry, it's my problem.

I'll handle it in the morning.

That's Osborn's house. You guys better duck.

Don't let him see us.

Ten-four. We'll enter the surveillance domicile through the garage entryway.

Wonderful.

The door is stuck.

- What's the procedure if the garage entry... - Get us in the damn house! Come on.

Sometimes I can jimmy it from inside.

Mr. Robberson!

Come on, come on. All right.

I think that went well.

Norman!

- Geez, that's my wife. - So what?

Look, I know my wife.

Let me break this to her in my own way. Here.

Trust me on this. Please, officers.

- It's a goddamn closet! - I know, but, please.

Go ahead.

Yeah, yeah, close it.

Norman, was that our car alarm?

No.

It sounded like our car alarm.

It was.

What's that?

What?

A noise came from the closet.

The closet? That was the cat.

The cat? What's the cat doing in the closet?

Who knows? Could be doing anything. The door's closed.

Let the cat out of the closet.

I can't do that, Helen.

- Why not? - Because I'm training her.

She was a bad cat and I'm disciplining her.

Bad cat! Very bad.

What's going on?

Nothing. Go back to sleep.

Norman?

Now you're a very bad cat.

I told you to stay in the closet.

Dad!

When it comes to cat training, you have to be very firm.

You little bastard!

Don't ever throw a cat on me again.

Jake, easy, come on. Come on.

Okay, this is Billy's room. He's asleep.

And you can see the house right through there.

So, when do we start?

Have we started? Is this part of it?

Maybe I can help.

You've done enough.

Then I'll let you go about your work.

Billy sleeps soundly.

I'll tell my wife in the morning. I'm up by 06:00.

Norman, save me some water.

Morning, Norman.

Norman!

Jake!

Jake!

I'm a police officer! Remain calm!

What the...

Dad! There's a man in the house! He's got a gun!

Get away from me!

Get your hands off my kid!

- I'm a police officer. - No, you're not.

Lieutenant Jake Stone.

And that naked man laying on top of your husband...

...is my partner.

Ma'am.

Put the plunger down.

Good work.

Anybody who screams or runs...

...or hits me with anything...

...is gonna get shot. Okay?

Bitchin'.

Our neighbor?

Osborn.

I know this is your job, and I know it's important, but...

...I can't let my family take this risk.

I have to ask you both to leave.

Leave? Honey, they can't leave.

Can you?

This operation has already been green-lighted.

There.

See? It's green-lighted.

Well, now it's red-lighted.

She wants to red-light it. Maybe we can work out a yellow-light compromise.

Mrs. Robberson...

...we're all just...

...one inch away from a lawless society.

Do you know what keeps that...

...nightmare away?

Men.

Lone men.

Men with the courage to stand up to the night and spit in its eye.

Mrs. Robberson...

...do you have the courage to stand with us?

Give me a break!

Mrs. Robberson, we didn't put Osborn next door, but he's there and he's a killer.

Just last week, he blew a man to pieces.

Now, sure, we could walk out the door...

...but Osborn will still be there.

And your family will still be here.

All right. You can stay.

Great.

Great civic spirit.

That's the right choice, Mrs. Robberson.

No, please, call me Helen.

And I want you both to think of this as your home. Welcome.

What kind of food do you like?

Chinese.

No. Not Chinese.

- They're cops. They eat donuts. - I can make donuts.

You shouldn't cook for them.

Of course I'll cook for them. They're guests.

I'm sorry, my guests don't smoke.

It's not good for you.

I know I can count on you both to be a good influence on our children.

Let me ask you: Do I get a discount if I order more than one mattress?

Yes, sir.

We're in.

AT&T, next best thing to being there.

Mind if I come in?

So that's your window.

There's Tony.

Hey, Tony!

Hi, Norman.

- Ten-four. - Give me that.

Too bad he closed the curtains. You can't see him.

I know exactly where he is.

In the bedroom, smoking a cigarette.

Wow. You've got one of those heat-sensitive cameras?

That must have cost a few tax dollars?

A few.

I bet. But it's worth it.

Just lit one.

What if he's not smoking?

I used to dream of being a cop.

Fighting for what's right...

...putting my life on the line...

...saying "Freeze!" and "Spread 'em!"

And "Rico, Youngblood!"

"You have the right to remain silent. "

I'm talking too much, huh?

Good night.

What I'm saying is, if you need any extra manpower...

You're still talking.

Did you forget about replacing our broken toilet?

Consider it done.

Looks like a regular $20 bill, right?

Sure, it's money, all right. Funny money.

This is Treasury File Number 6827.

United States Secret Service.

The case of the disappearing serial number.

Come on, get out of here.

Go home.

Looks like you have car trouble. Want a jump?

That would be nice, but I don't have any cables.

I got cables. No problem.

What the hell is that idiot doing?

In a town like this, if you see someone with car trouble...

...you stop and help. If you don't, it's suspicious.

- Where you off to? - I'm just going for a drive.

It's a beautiful morning.

Beautiful, yeah. Just going for a drive?

No deliveries, no pick-ups?

No.

Just a drive.

He's an idiot.

Okay, start her up.

Well, thanks for the start, neighbor.

Sure, what are neighbors for?

My hands are awfully greasy. Can I use your bathroom?

You want to use my bathroom?

Yeah, mine's on the fritz.

Pipes are all clogged up with dead gerbil or something.

If it's any trouble...

No.

He's an idiot.

He is not an idiot. He is having a friendly chat, as he should be.

He's going into the house.

What an idiot!

Boy, you keep the place nice and clean.

A lot of my stuff hasn't come.

I like it.

There's clutter in my house. I have furniture you could use.

No, thanks.

There's a nice Barcalounger. The footstool doesn't pop out.

The bathroom's down the hall.

You need to get that?

You go ahead, I can find it.

Hello, friend.

Probably day after tomorrow.

Contact.

- Anyone we know? - Lutz.

I got your full order in five different serial numbers.

Still charge a dime on a dollar?

You know you're getting some bargain here.

Like Caniff got when he blew up?

I didn't blow him up.

I was as shocked by what happened as you.

He was supposed to meet me here, at the house.

Where it's safe.

That's right. Safe as it gets in smiling suburbia.

- Remember, no tricks. - Right, no tricks. If you remember it.

It's just you alone, right?

Me and the money.

That's good.

None of your friends.

Why are you so nervous?

I'm not nervous, okay? I just want us to be clear.

No weapons. Both of us clean.

That's what I want to hear. Okay?

Came in yesterday.

$50 bills in five separate serial numbers.

I just want to be ready for you.

Wait! Wait! What day? Just tell me what day. Hello?

Bastard!

Holy shit. Robberson's in the bedroom.

I am going to kill him.

What are you doing in here?

I said:

"What are you doing in here?"

You said the bathroom was upstairs. I can't find it.

No, I said the bathroom was downstairs. The guest bathroom is downstairs.

I couldn't find it. I didn't know.

Who were you waving to?

My house.

Your house? You were waving to your house?

You can see it right through the window. Hi, house.

'Bye, house.

Well, thanks for letting me clean up. I can see myself out.

Get down.

Hey, Robberson...

...you've probably lost this.

Yeah, my tobacco pouch. Thanks.

Great.

You don't seem like a smoker.

Me? I'm a two-pack-a-day man.

I love it. I should quit, but...

Well, you must be dying for one.

Dying is right. I know. I know I should quit.

Go ahead. I don't mind.

I can wait until I get home.

No, really, it's okay.

- I'll wait till I get home. - No, no, I insist.

- Please. - Smoke!

This is a little difficult...

...to do with one...

I never learned to roll myself.

I learned this from a Rastafarian in college.

Where was he from?

Rastafaria.

I've never been there.

I've lost my lighter.

You've got my lighter.

Pretty smooth.

You up there?

You better take my gun.

I parked around the block so he wouldn't see me double back.

Why are you down here?

- What are you doing? - Trying to help.

Help? You could've blown the whole stakeout.

I thought you already left for work.

I had some car trouble around the block.

Where's your car? Maybe there's something that I can do.

That's so nice. I have AAA and...

...they sent a tow truck. To what do I owe the pleasure?

Thanks. I almost forgot them.

Since I'm already here, why don't you show me around?

After all, you saw my place.

I'd love to, but...

...I should get to work.

Maybe your wife...

...or kids can show me around.

Helen's gone and the kids are in school.

Then who was in the window?

When we were in my bedroom, I saw someone in the window.

Him. That was my brother.

Your brother.

He's just in from Bos... Buffalo.

You want to meet him?

He's a great guy.

Jake, come on down!

Come on, don't be shy.

Come down and meet my neighbor. He lives next door, coincidentally.

Jake, come on down.

This is my older brother, Jake.

I'm his older brother, Jake. I'm visiting from Buffalo.

Visiting from Buffalo.

Buffalo, New York.

That Buffalo, yeah.

What was that?

- That's nobody, really. - There's somebody up there.

No, that's just Tony.

Tony, you want to meet my neighbor?

Tony is...

- My boyfriend. - Cindy's boyfriend.

We better get going. We're already late for school.

Yeah, right, school.

Great to see you again.

Nice seeing you. Come back again.

Oh, sure.

Let's go, we don't want to be late.

'Bye, Uncle Jake.

'Bye.

'Bye, Niece Cindy.

Take care of my daughter.

Right.

You got a pretty full house this week.

Maybe I'll get the grand tour another day.

Sure thing. Drop by again.

Mr. Henderson.

Did my brother bother you?

What do you mean?

I don't know. Being nosey? Snooping around?

Acting like a moron?

Yeah, a little.

He's having trouble acclimating. He's only been out a couple of weeks.

Out?

Out of the sanitarium.

You didn't notice the scars?

No. Come on.

I guess his hair is growing back in.

You mean they...

At least he's harmless now.

Wait, he goes to work every day.

Work?

He drives downtown, sits on a park bench...

...and drools for eight hours.

If he gives you any more trouble, you call me, huh?

That is really sad.

Life is...

...sad.

The poor guy drools.

Your brother?

You said I had a lobotomy.

Better than being your brother.

So, why did you do that?

I had to do something. I mean, you guys were dying in there.

That was good. It was really good.

You sound surprised.

None of the girls I know would have been that smart.

You don't know me.

Now, there are certain things that we...

I'm sorry, Jake, it's hot.

...as law enforcing professionals may have taken for granted...

...that you lay people...

...maybe didn't quite understand. Now, for example...

...when staking out a dangerous criminal...

Thank you.

...it is generally a good idea...

...to stay out of his damned house!

- Talk about beating a dead horse. - No harm was done.

No harm done?

But they've seen us.

They don't know who you are.

Now that Osborn thinks we belong, we can't be relieved.

That's right. So I am stuck here on a 24-hour basis...

...playing the role of the uncle from Buffalo.

I'm sorry your plans have changed...

...but we're happy to have you here. I made your favorite: Kung Pao Pork.

This shouldn't be a dinner party.

We have an expense account, so we can grab Burger King.

Not while you're in my house.

- Give me your plate. - At least let me help out.

I could do the dishes. Jake would be happy to mow the lawn.

Thanks, Jake.

Wait a minute. Wait one cotton-picking minute.

- You don't give me orders. - I didn't.

Jake's right. He's a proud man and you put him in an awkward position.

Even if he wanted to mow the lawn...

...it will seem it's because you told him to.

I'm sorry. Let's eat, okay?

You can pass the petits fours.

Don't have one until you finish your sandwich.

Mrs. Robberson...

...listen to me.

I don't mow lawns. I never mowed lawns.

I never had a lawn.

And if I had a lawn...

...I'd kill it.

Holy jumping Jesus!

Goddamn bastard!

You dirty...

Jesus Christ!

You miserable son of a bitch.

What?

Do you have to use that language?

What language?

It's not very attractive. I mean, do you think it's really attractive?

It's not.

There.

Eleven single-typed pages stating Osborn has a room full of lawn furniture...

...and has ordered 12 mattresses. We're getting nowhere.

We'll get there.

It's funny.

The reason we know what we do about Osborn is because of Robberson.

That's hilarious.

Doesn't this kid ever go out to play?

Listen, son.

You're getting spooked.

Go away, kid. Go on.

I'm sorry my son jumped on you, bit your neck and tried to suck your blood.

It happens.

You can't behave like that. It's not polite.

Can't you do something?

The vampire game was fun for a while...

...but we're losing a lot of blood around the house, so we should try a new game.

He doesn't listen to me.

Hey, kid. What the hell do you want from me?

How's it going?

My son thinks he's a vampire.

No shit.

I don't know what to do.

You've only been here a few days and already they listen to you.

They respect you.

What time is it?

It's a quarter to three.

Quarter to three, no one in the place.

"It's a quarter to three

"There's no one in the place

"Except

"you and me

"We're drinking, my friend

"to the end of a brief episode

"Make it one for my baby

"And one more for the road

"That long

"long

"road"

Don't touch me.

Did you ever catch a bank robber?

Yeah.

You ever been in a car chase?

Yeah.

You ever been shot at?

Listen to Uncle Jake's cool stories.

Look.

Our family's having breakfast together.

Uncle Jake, how long have you known Tony?

Too long.

Blood and brains.

May I have some?

Get your own.

It's a beautiful morning, isn't it?

- That Tony's? - Yes.

'Morning.

I've got to catch up with Tim.

See you.

Yeah, and I got to get to Jenny's, so...

Well, good-bye.

Well, for about 30 seconds our life was perfect.

Bathroom time is up, Uncle Jake.

Come on. I just got in here.

- Sorry. - Five more minutes.

I'll sell you my time slot, 9:30 to 9:45.

How much?

$5.

$1.

$5 or get off the pot.

You little bastard.

Marva Prescott for Street Cops. The patrolman's job...

...is often routine, and yet, with every routine stop...

...he knows that around any corner might be a bullet with his name on it.

The magnetic strip on the back is much like your ATM card.

We run it through and once the information reaches the station...

...we get a computer print-out of any outstanding warrants.

He looks younger every day.

Coming to bed?

I want to finish typing Cindy's paper on Harriet Tubman.

You know, it's really wonderful.

Yes!

It seems like yesterday I made her that dancing-seaweed costume...

...for her first-grade play on life in the tide pools.

They're growing up so fast.

- Billy's doing better. - He is?

He's coming out of his box more and more.

Not all the way out, but he's looking around.

I think that's Jake's influence.

Jake's a hell of a guy.

He is. I think he's really good for the kids.

I'll have him talk to Kevin about smoking.

I already did that.

I know that, honey, but he respects Jake.

Good point.

No, I didn't mean it like that. I meant that he'll listen to Jake.

A father wants to hear that.

I didn't mean it that way.

You'll make me miss the ending.

Would you rather be watching Colombo?

Don't be silly. Colombo is on Thursdays.

Oh, boy.

I could sleep for a million years.

All right!

That's it.

Had to be done.

That was great, Uncle Jake.

Billy, you sure you're okay?

No sweat.

Jake, you got ketchup all over him.

What do you want to play now?

Thank you very much.

I just wanted to get him to leave me alone.

Jake? Tony?

I'm in the bathroom. I'll be there in a minute.

Freeze!

I said, "Freeze!"

Detective Norman Stone. Put your hands up and spread 'em.

I said, "Spread 'em!"

You talking to me?

You talking to me?

You talk me?

You? Me?

Norman.

"Happy birthday to you

"Happy birthday to you

"Happy birthday, dear Jake

"Happy birthday to you"

Blow out your candles and then you can open your present.

If you don't blow them out, I will.

There. Now make a wish. Come on, make a wish.

You're not making a wish.

I wish...

...that you'd leave me alone.

We'll just eat it without him.

You okay, Mom?

Freeze! Hands up! You're under arrest!

Pow!

I've been shot! Call the paramedics!

- Guess what. - Call 911.

- Our bathroom's fixed. - No way. Our bathroom?

Oh, this is so cool. Look at this.

Mom, look.

Check it out.

Great! Norman.

Norman, did you see what Jake did?

The toilet?

Yes, that means we have two that work. We're a normal family again.

Hands up! Don't make me use this!

You okay, Dad?

Yeah, fine.

Do you want to talk about it?

No, I'm fine.

I used to get sad sometimes, too.

When I was little, I thought people liked Kevin more than me.

Don't be silly.

Because he could do so many cool things.

Then I realized, "Hey, I'm only five. "

How old are you, Dad?

I'm about 12.

Mind if I play with Uncle Jake?

No, go ahead.

Uncle Jake, want to come outside and play with me?

Yeah, let me finish this coffee.

Whatever you say, Uncle Jake.

Uncle Jake.

7-8-5-1, family dispute.

Now, please listen.

I want a bagel with no cream cheese, just butter, okay?

No cream cheese, whatsoever.

Right.

Maybe you better write it down.

Maybe.

Bagel for the counter.

Enjoy.

Okay.

I'll pay for this bagel, but you'll never see me in here again.

Yeah, you're breaking my heart.

And if you want a tip, I got news for you.

You're under arrest.

Gee, I'm scared!

You want to hurry? You're backing me up.

Give me potato salad. Where's the pickles?

We need pickles. Not coleslaw, I said potato salad.

Did you hear me? I said potato salad.

You're under arrest. Freeze!

- He has a knife! - No, a gun!

- Don't shoot. - Put your hands behind my back.

No, straight up. Reach for the tiling.

Relax, everybody.

The show's over. Detective Norm Stone here.

Stick your hands behind your back. Don't try anything.

I want to see a lawyer.

You arrested a waiter?

That's right.

May I ask why?

One thing, his service stunk.

It stunk!

Come here.

You're nuts, do you know that?

Jake, he was rude.

You can't arrest people for being rude.

If we did, all of New York City would be on death row.

I have a hunch about this guy.

A what?

A hunch. You know, like a cop kind of a hunch.

Let's take him downtown and interrogate him.

But he's not hiding anything. Stop talking like a dumb TV detective.

- You be good cop, I'm bad cop. - You are not a cop!

Give me my badge and the key to the cuffs.

Now, get in.

Get in!

- Just look at... - Get in!

Stay!

Quiet!

- Just check his file. - Don't say another word.

If I even see you breathe, I'll shoot you myself.

How you doing tonight?

How am I doing? I'm suing.

Yeah, I'm suing him. I'm suing you.

I'm suing the entire police department!

That's how I'm doing tonight.

What's your badge number?

I can't believe this is possible in a democratic society.

I've had it with you and your stupid partner.

You're finished. You'll be a K-Mart security guard...

...when I'm done with you!

- Take it easy, sir. These mistakes... - Jake?

What?

What?

Book him, Danno.

Arresting officer, Jake Stone.

- I want to report a stolen car. - Take a number.

It's the biggest car-theft ring in the valley.

How did you make him?

Get your hands off of me! I said get 'em off me!

It was a hunch.

That was so great.

You got lucky, Norman.

It wasn't luck, Jake. I was born to be a cop.

This was the most exciting day of my life.

You think being a cop is exciting?

I know it's not all excitement like Starsky and Hutch and T.J. Hooker.

A lot of it's tedious and bureaucratic, like in Law and Order.

It's nothing like television.

I'll tell you what it's like.

It's being afraid of dying every second of every day.

Do you understand that?

You stole my badge, Norman.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

They could've busted me for what you did. I could've lost my pension.

Then what the hell would I do?

Jesus, I'm sorry, Jake. Is there anything I can do?

Get the hell out of my life.

I can understand that, but...

But what?

You're living in my house.

I'll show you something great.

This one's cool. This is an X-ray scope. I can see...

Stop that.

Jake!

That was quick. You're back, huh?

My shift, smoke them if you got them.

He's been in the house all day.

Do you mind if we go for a drive?

I'll be 20 minutes. I'm starving. I'll bring the beeper.

Do you want anything?

Yeah, bring me some fries.

- You got one for me? - No.

Come on, don't be like Dad.

Me and your dad are nothing alike.

There's a shocker.

Your dad doesn't want you to smoke because he's afraid you'll get cancer.

I don't want you to have it because it's my last one.

The difference between me and him is...

...I don't give a shit about you...

...and he does.

We're leaving.

Why? What are you afraid of?

I'm afraid of the moral implications of your dress.

I'm not a child. I'm a grown woman.

Do you know what it's like to be trapped in this teenage body?

I'm imagining it.

Jesus, Tony!

That's my gun. You don't need to be afraid of it.

You just need to know how to use it.

You want me to show you how to use it?

Sure.

I'll get rid of the bullets.

Yeah.

Hello, friend.

Is that you?

I didn't want to drop in without calling first.

That's smart.

- You alone? - Isn't that what you wanted?

If I didn't know better...

...I'd think you didn't trust me.

Of course I trust you.

Why wouldn't I trust you?

You got the stuff?

I got everything you need, pal.

That's good because I got everything you need, too.

So, why don't you come in?

Great.

Tony.

Where the hell are you, Tony?

If Jake saw this, I'd be dead.

It's going down.

Everything is set up downstairs.

I'd like to use the john first.

Good. The bathroom is downstairs.

Lead the way.

My pleasure.

You going to get that?

It's probably somebody selling something.

It might be important.

I'll get rid of them.

I'll find my own way.

No.

It's very tricky down there, you know?

I'll get you some Taster's Choice and relax.

What?

Is this Mr. John Henderson?

Yes, but I don't accept phone solicitations.

No, Mr. Henderson.

I'm calling to offer you a free trip to Maui.

I don't care what it is.

Did you say Maui?

Maui, huh? I heard of that.

That's one of the less developed islands.

You're under arrest. Freeze!

Spread 'em!

Go away, you stupid little kid.

I'm not a little kid! I'm a cop, like my Uncle Jake.

You know, I've never won anything before.

Can I bring a guest?

Do you have a credit card with you?

Well, no, I don't have it with me, but...

Then forget the trip, you asshole!

How long has Uncle Jake been staying with you?

About five days.

Is the kid bothering you?

- First he's a vampire, now this. - Hi, Uncle Jake.

He's a handful. Hi.

Billy, it's time for bed.

That's all right, Uncle Jake.

You said this place was clean.

Yeah, it is.

Then why is there a stakeout next door?

I'm taking you to find out what you got on us.

You stay here and watch the kid.

Don't worry about him. He has his own gun.

That's not true. I don't have a gun. I don't believe in them.

Bullshit.

You stay and watch the kid.

You all right?

Ten-four.

Come on.

That must be Lutz's car.

Hi, Jake. Have you seen Billy?

Where's the stakeout?

- Upstairs. - Everybody, upstairs.

Wait, Tony!

Shit!

Come on in. Close it.

Shut up.

Shut the door. Welcome to the party.

Anybody else?

That could be the station.

Answer it and be careful what you say.

Hi, it's Norman. Is Helen there?

I want to tell her why I'm not home.

I don't know.

10:00, 10:15.

Excuse me?

I said, "10:15."

Some friend from that stupid rock group. I said you wouldn't be home till after 10:00.

He said they'd come by. Is that okay?

Okay, everybody next door. Move it!

10:00, 10:15...

Breaker, this is Man from Uncle with a distress call.

- Do you read? - Is this for real?

This is an emergency. Call the police.

Tell Captain Corbett you talked to Norman Robberson.

Tell him there's trouble at Osborn's.

He's got my family hostage.

I'm sure you don't want to hurt anyone.

Save your breath. He's got to kill us.

If we all put our heads together...

He'll enjoy it because he's a killer.

He can wear all the fancy suits he wants, but inside he's just a street punk.

Is this really the time to pick on him?

Who is this one?

That's just her boyfriend.

Get down. No talking.

Now I've got to whack an entire middle-class suburban family.

People will notice this.

Where is your big one with the silencer?

I thought you didn't have a gun.

You need a gun these days, to protect yourself.

This was to be a friendly meeting.

Then why'd you bring a gun?

Yeah, that's right.

What was that?

Check it out.

You check it out.

Come on, this is ridiculous.

We're acting like we don't trust each other.

Let's leave the family.

We'll go look together.

Good idea.

Come on, let's go.

Little too far to the left.

All right, let's just do this.

Now, where is a good place?

In the basement. I got the walls lined with mattresses.

They'll muffle the shots.

You sure?

Of course, I'm sure. I tried it myself.

I was bored. I was just bored.

I was waiting for him and I was very bored waiting.

All right, all right.

All right, who goes first?

The girl.

Freeze!

You drop it.

You shot me again, you putz!

I didn't, I shot him.

Now you woke the whole neighborhood!

- You should have watched him! - I did!

Then where is he?

Norman?

You drop it. Drop it.

- Come on. Drop it. - I'll shoot you.

Drop it or I'll shoot Mommy and Daddy.

Go ahead, drop it. Drop your gun or you'll all go back to Buffalo.

Buffalo, New York, you said you were from?

That's it. Very good. Now you're being smart.

Everything was perfect here. You had to come late.

You!

Drop it!

You don't know how to use that.

Come on, Mommy, you shoot.

Shoot it.

Listen, dick.

If I can make lobster-crab souffl� without having it fall...

...I can sure as shit work this silly machine.

Now drop the gun, and don't make Mommy tell you twice.

I don't know what happened. I had it planned.

She meant the gun.

It was all planned the right way.

I don't want to hurt anybody.

Give me that gun!

Jake, he's had enough!

You're okay, Helen.

Want a cigarette?

Jake.

Don't push your luck.

Dad, are you okay?

Billy.

You've grown.

Kevin, have you been smoking?

Look what happened. I warned you.

Dad, that's Kevin.

Mother?

Don't worry. We'll get you to a hospital.

Yeah. Daddy, I love you.

We all love you.

Mom?

You've milked it enough.

This is the police.

Cool.

Release your hostages and come out of the house.

This is Marva Prescott for Street Cops.

The well-manicured lawns of suburbia were stricken with fear today.

Go. Get out. Go. Move.

Take it easy, would you?

- What happened? - What happened is you're a moron!

Let's get a shot of the distraught family.

Excuse me, we have a deadline. Wife, teenage daughter...

It's Street Cops. We're on Street Cops.

We're on Street Cops.

Smile, brother.

You first, Jake.

Now, smile.